#im so fucking screwed and my schedule is so fucking awful i cant even do anything to help myself

[technicolorxsn]

...

[deffinitelynobody]

I have depression and i am going to ruin everyones day

Okay, so, a couple of weeks ago I wrote about how I was having some very bad suicidal thoughts and that I was scared about how much I just wanted to do it. In that post, i said that i’ll write about why i was feeling that way and such. so here it is. (note; this how i feel about the situation, it may not be entirely true)

i dont have a job. i havent had one in almost a year and a half at this point, and only 3 months at that. my parents have let me live with them since i graduated highschool, which i am grateful for. but, my dad holds onto his dads view on things: people in the house who make money are in charge, and the people who dont are subserviant to them. so, i end up being talk to in a way that seems to amount to “shut up, i make money, you dont”. which means that he ends up using his dads parenting technique of talking to your kids when they mess up: make them feel like shit, hate themselves, and doubt their worth as a human being. (his dad is worst, and he’s openingly said that he hated how his dad talked to him) unsurprisingly, this is not a good combination. combine this with the state of politics (which my dad has a much higher tolerance for than anyone else in my family), and that two people on my mom’s side have depression (one was my uncle, who DID kill himself, the other is her), and you can see why i have been feeling like absolute shit for the last month.

“well why not get a job” your probably saying. like i said, i had one. and that was the other time in my life that i had suicidal thoughts. not only that, i almost killed myself during that time! i was walking by the road, and this giant truck was moving, and i was just....not there, like if you talked to me, i’d just kinda give very automated responses, and i was just doing the things that popped into my head, and that was one of them (I will be eternally greatful to @kaiserofphyrexia for stopping me when he saw me trying to). thankfully, i lost that job shortly after that, and man let me tell you, it is one of the scariest things ever thinking about going back. the stress of constantly fearing making even the tiniest mistake just ate at me every minute of every day i was there. combine this with the managers were just awful human beings (they expected two people to do the same amount of work as 6 people and screwed us up several times just to make more money), and yeah, i just lost all interest in everything and anything. like, NOTHING helped me feel better. i hated everything cause my life just began to center around going back to work, which made me feel horrible, and i did it so often, and my schedule was completely random each and every week that i couldn’t plan to do anything. the managers didnt like it when you tried to request a day off, and you couldn’t say that your unavailable on a day, so unless i lied and said that it was for religious purposes, i didnt have any reliable day to relax and do the things that help me feel better. so when they told me that they were letting me go (one of them didnt like me to much), i was shocked, but also so releaved. it felt like a massive weight was lifted (cliched, i know) and i felt so much better.

and then the job search to find the next one like it began. and i was so scared to go back. i almost killed myself (or at least, severely injure myself), and from what i understand they were actually pretty tame compared to some of the managers out there, and the work itself didnt bug me too much, just the amount. so i just cant get my self to go back, which is why i asked my parents to help me find a job. my mom cant help to much, so it fell to my dad, and he said “you an adult, you dont NEED help. just go do it” oh yeah, silly me, i forgot that when you turn 18, all your emotions die and you become impervious to negative emotions. how could i forget!

not to mention that, with the amount of times i forget things and mess up. I cant tell you how many times i have to retypes words cause i misspell them (the grammar issues are just the tip of the iceberg). And i keep forgeting how to spell words! for several days this week, i forgot how to spell “choice” (i kept spelling chose). I cant even tell some coins apart (pennies and quarter and thats it), i i’m supposed to adult. i cant talk to my parents about this, cause whenever i’ve talked to my dad about these things, he makes me feel even worse than before. e always demands an explaination from me for why i do somethings, but i dont always have a reason. sometimes i just feel the need to do something or something to be done a certain way for no reason. and i usually realize that i was being an asshat (mentally chastising myself like how my dad does) and feel terrible, and will want to apologize for it. but my dad doesn’t like that and makes me furious beyond words and i just close off from everyone and dont apologize and feel even worse. i have a hard time letting go of things, so this shit just festers and i feel crumby for hours. (theres also the fact that he consistantly quotes “do or do not; there is no try” to me and my brother when asks us to do things, which is why i kinda blew up at a friend when they quoted it to me)

and i just dont feel competent in any way possible, and i need to do something that i could mess up on catastrophically on that could ruin my entire life. and these feelings would be exaggerated.

i began to have these thoughts and feelings when i started thinking on my whole situation, and just....idk. i need help to get job (im still terrified to do so at all), and my dad is one of the people in my life who can help me the most, but he wont cause im an adult, and i need to get him to just help me and respect me, which requires a job, which i need help getting, and he wont help me and respect cause im an adult and [repeat agnosium]. the scariest part to me was the fact there was only to options out, and it was the first time that suicide felt like a very valid option in my life. but i cant put my family through that. again. remember when i said that i had an uncle with depression? yeah, it got him.....almost 6 years ago? that was just one of the worst times of my life, and it just fuck up my family. i dont want to put them through that again. but when i thought about how my dad would feel....i felt a sadistic joy. and that scared me. it was a true and honest to god reason to do it, and it scared me so much.

but i’ve opted for the other way i saw; telling people. inspired by the youtuber jaiden when she talked about her own problems on the matter, ive chosen to share this with my friends (you guys) and my family (whom ill send this to later tonight. ive found that im at my happiest when surrounded by friends, and so ive been really itching lately to just hangout with them. i sorta hate it when i do, cause i usually end up mooching off of them (which is just the cherry on top of this shit cake), but the pros far out way the cons. 

so yeah. it may seem like my dad is a total monster, but he actually isn’t. hes actually one of the best people in my family and im honestly happy hes my dad and that i didnt get his dad instead. he just does things that have exaggerated feelings and that i focus on WAY too much when i get like this. but they are true problems in this whole situation, so i just......yeah. i might be like one of my cousins and just not be mentally equipped to handle a job. she has aspergers/autism, and by all accounts, i am very very autistic, so it is very likely, but i havent had a professional say so or not, so i could just be jumping to conclusions. i’m still gonna try and get at least one more job before i go with that answer to explain things, but it is still a genuine possibility.

i’d like to thank anyone who read this whole fucking monster post. i hated and loved writing it, and it need to be done. the first step to recovery from this is opening up to friends and family. i know at least one person who follows me who not only will read this entire post, but will understand and be concerned, and thats what i need, is my friends and family concerned and wanting to help me.

thank you.

[pensurfing]

Caitlin’s Three Things List

Okay, so moments (probably hours by the time I finish this) ago I wrote a goals list that I think is good for self-evaluation. (Keyword: This is what I think. results may vary depending on what you’re looking for.)

I’m going to hop to it and answer some of these that I laid out in hopes of having a better idea of what I want to accomplish. 

The Three Things Lists!

1) Three things that went well this year.

* Audience growth

So once upon a time, I grew a pretty decent following due to creating an Inktober Prompt list. My expectations: Maybe two of my friends would do this, maybe. And then one stranger that has followed me for a while. (There are a few followers I recognize their username because if I post something they always like it and for some reason that keeps me going.)

But because of this prompt, I was exposed to MANY new creators and illustrators that I now enjoy chatting with and following! Instagram had the biggest maintained growth. I’m excited to create for an audience that actually expects me to create and not just for friends who see my things “whenever they aren’t busy”. (Not to bash them or anything, just there are a lot where unless I tell them, they don’t see the posts I make.)

Another surge of growth in my audience was due to tabling at conventions this year. I was terrified to show my work let alone attempt to sell it to someone. Tabling at cons not only boosted my confidence but also quieted one of my ever going demons. “YoU sUcK aT dRaWiNg CaItLiN.” “How do you have a degree? oh right, you just barely passed.” I can’t say this is the case, there is an audience that genuinely enjoys my scribbles. So I am forever thankful to Atlanta Comic Con for giving me that chance. It honestly opened a few doors for me.

**Process

I’ve gotten more comfortable with showing my process. It can be messy, crisp, and illogical. But turns out the people who enjoy my content enjoy my scrambled thoughts. It’s something about not being alone in this sort of sense that calms the nerves.

So I can say with chest poked out that sharing process has gotten MUCH better. I can thank a self-help book I bought this year that was a FANTASTIC BUY. Austin Kleon has [two] (currently? If he has more then I’m buying it like people buy a name brand.) books that helped me see that it is GREAT to share not only the process but advice. “Show Your Work” is the book I’m talking about for now. Great tips, the outline is on the back of the book. So if you’re like me, I need to clearly see what I might be getting into, you might have a ball.

And finally, (not calling myself out on this but other) If you’re going to respond to people when they ask you “how do you___?” do not answer “Google it”. That is the rudest thing I’ve seen some of even my FAVORITE illustrators do; that response can burn in hell. PERIODT. (my one typo allowed.)

*** Art Style Exploration

For those who think college will help you establish an art style that you’ll enjoy or help nourish the one you currently have.... Let me save you over 80K.... No, the fuck it won’t.

That was the biggest thought I had going into art school. If anything, it confused me more and utterly destroyed what little confidence I had in my drawing style. After graduating, I had a huge swing from how I used to draw to how my art currently looks. I stopped trying to please the one professor who stood between me and my degree and started drawing to please my tastes. And guess what? That did something. And that something WORKED. I love what I draw now; I see why I chose this as my career path. I’m genuinely happy with how my pieces turn out versus in college just wanting to turn the damn thing in and hoping it isn’t an F.

2) Three things you could have handled better.

* The loss of a good paying client.

Now hear me out when I say this: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL a good client. Say that three times and then exhale.

Back earlier this year, I had the opportunity to work with a writer who gave me hell and back. And even that is an understatement. I dealt with her because in school you were taught “if they pay on time, finish the work and get the exposure.” 

I’m here to tell you my lesson learned: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL good exposure, good pay, a good client. 

I was doing the work of three for the price of one and a half. (And was always told I charged too much.) She tried abusing this power with friends of mine, with other illustrators. When things turned out bad, she tried saying it was my fault. She read my contract and then tried telling me I changed the wording, I purposely did this thing, another thing was my fault. I could go on with this story.

The part that I wish I handled better?

How I treated myself afterward. I’m so used to people telling me, “Cait, this is what you do wrong. This is how you fix it.” that I don’t consider my own feelings, and when I bring my feelings into the scenario they no longer matter. Because they tell me they don’t matter. In this case, I wish I had treated me better, because my feelings, my mental health, DOES matter.

**My Patience Getting Into Conventions.

Pretty self-explanatory. I got into one, finished one, and wanted to do eight more in a week. But this sort of thing just takes time and I need to accept that.

***My losses

I had to listen to a Little Mix song to actually learn this one. The context of the song is nowhere near the topic at hand. But a verse from Power feat Stomzy really packs a punch after this year: 

“ You look him in the eye and say, "I know I'm not a guy But see there's power in my losses and there's power in my wins" “

I had to look one of my demons in the face, and state something similar. My loses mean I’m trying. My loses piling shows I’m not willing to give up easily, and that is something that took a while to be content with.

3) Three things artistically you want to improve on.

*Composition

It’s not awful, but it can be better.

**Color

I told this BOLDLY if I might add while critiquing someone else’s portfolio; “Your color palette is boring. All your [things] look as if they are from the same universe, during the same time of day, with the same kind of mood. After three photos it’s bland, boring, and understood you have a preference.” 

Can you say damn Cait? The statement was, in fact, true, but I certainly could not talk. My color palette is mainly bright, pop, and happy. In order to tell a story, I KNOW it is best told with color. And I failed myself this year. But I sure won’t next year.

***My Damn Tag

Okay, alright. Why is it well-established artists have their tag figured out? Even some who’s art style is so recognizable (I’m looking HEAVILY at you Gabriel Piccolo.) we know it’s theirs, seem to have a tag that suits them and works for them. But more importantly, they put it in A VERY DECENT SPOT. SOMEONE SHARE THIS SCIENCE WITH ME? CAUSE APPARENTLY I DON’T GET IT.

4) Three things you want to focus on trying.

*More backgrounds.

As much as it pains me, I need to improve on backgrounds and perspective. When I do make backgrounds, I’m told I make great pieces. That I should look into becoming a background artist. And don’t get me wrong, I like them. But I don’t like them.

I feel as though I need to improve in that region so that way I don’t feel as though it’s a weakness of mine. My backgrounds are nice, but they aren’t nice to my standards.

**More designs

I love character designs, but let’s be real. If you were to scroll down my site or my Instagram page, or even this Tumblr archive, could you tell? 

I draw characters a lot sure, but none are designs. No process, no sheets, no turnarounds, none of that. So that’s a huge goal of mine for 2019.

***Scheduling posting

At one point I was pretty good at this. Live stream in Instagram and Twitter, cool. Videos on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Cool. Everywhere gets a photo, everywhere gets a silly one-liner. Yay. I’m not leaving anything out.

Well by the end of this year that totally crumbled. 

SO I want to try getting better at that thing there. Because having attempted this at the end of the year was cool, but it still wasn’t enough apparently.

5) Three positive things to tell yourself.

* You are an inspiration. That’s all you wanted to be in life, you did it. I’m proud of you.

**You didn’t kill yourself like you tried to; you opened up about it for once and used that pint up anger creatively. That is very hard to do, trust. I’m proud of you.

***You moved on, matured, and let it go. Even when the goddess inside you told you these peasants didn’t deserve your light, your friendship, your greatness. I’m proud of you.

I’m just proud of me for not snapping when I had every right to; not everything deserves a reaction.

6) Three negative things you want to leave for 2018.

*Comparisons 

Oh boy. I am extremely guilty for this: I’ll compare myself to a well-known illustrator my age. I’ll compare myself to friends who are in the field having a blast and getting work; I’ll compare myself to friends who aren’t in the field and they struggle at getting work. I’ll compare myself to the kid I graduated high school with who is traveling the world, is able to eat, come home to his dog and relax because he doesn’t have tuition to pay. I’ll compare myself to these goddamn baby boomers who keep repeating “We didn’t have it hard, you’re just being stupid. Millennials aka our children deserve to starve. We’ll just put our faith in our grandchildren because screw the kids we raised and refuse to pay accordingly. $7 an hour worked in my day, they need to make it work now.” I’ll compare myself to fake people I created in my head and purposely made scenarios and wonder why I’m not like them, said creations I made because I was pretty low for ten minutes...

I just compare myself too much. To any damn body. It’s draining, obnoxious and most of all pointless. My new motto for next year is: “Unless it is helping you grow yourself, your brand, your spirituality, don’t do it.”

I’m not comparing my chapter two to someone’s chapter thirty-five. I’m not even comparing my chapter two to someone else’s chapter two. I need to stop doing that PERIOD! My journey is different, unique, and worth seeing through.

**Listening to negative others.

A couple of years ago, I lost a close friend around the time my aunt passed away. During this time I was hypersensitive to any and everything done or said; I also kept many walls up to hide my mourning. He caught the crossfire of all of that. I kept secrets from him I was too prideful of admitting and lashed out because of the emotional turmoil I kept suppressed. While in the midst of packing his things and leaving my life, he mentioned that I was a failure because I was unemployed and artistically speaking I hadn’t accomplished anything; that I would remain that way because that’s just the person I deserved to be. Now mind you, I graduated college that year; he was a flunk out. I changed my art style dramatically compared to when I started school to pass; he thought just posting crappy pictures of lukewarm sketches were equivalent. I started attempting trends and all he could do was copy. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to bash my old friend. If he were to come back into my life and move on like nothing had happened I’d do the same. (With some limitations.)

It’s just while typing out this scenario, of our four-year friendship I can’t think of one nice thing/compliment/gesture he has said to me. That’s my problem.

I can be praised, admired, and look highly upon for years straight. But my problem is I let others negative thinking and comments marinate with me for a long while. Too long of a while.

Another example is my mother’s friend. (My mom has many friends that do this shit, but this one stung more.) 

This friend always roots for me; treats me like a person, and encourages my artistic journey. I consider her family before my actual relatives. 

We went over for some barbeque the family was having and I was ready. Black Hallmark Cookouts, laughing, good food, good music, shit talking others teams. She asked me a harmless question of when was I going to quit my day job. Seemed like nothing at first, until the added gest of what she continued with. “All I’m saying is you can’t do [your day job] forever. That will get old. If the art thing doesn’t work out next year what’s plan b?”

I’m not a calm person (usually). Normal Caitlin would have cursed her out and mentioned how just because she chose a job to settle and be miserable at for most of her life doesn’t mean I have to follow suit. But again, of all the nice encouraging things she has done, said, and showed, for a while, I couldn’t think of it. 

So I pray I let go of this nasty behavior in 2018; it’s going to be hard but it is dire.

***Saying I’m Not Enough

Alright, now put the combination of the two above in a bowl and what do you get? A Caitlin who struggles in interviews and applying for jobs because I let comparisons and negative comments rule my thoughts. This stopped me from applying to jobs I would have been perfect for; internships that could have helped me; posting art online.

We (including me) have to stop thinking that in order to be an illustrator means we have to pass a certain threshold of struggle, success, and a huge number of followers. That isn’t the job description. NO JOB DESCRIPTION has ”must have at least 10K followers on Instagram or Twitter.” nOnE. 

So we (including me) need to stop treating ourselves this way. Period.

7) Three things you’re looking forward to in 2019.

*Going to move conventions.

**Adding pieces to my portfolio to try again at job hunting.

***Becoming content with the fact that my current situation isn’t my permanent situation. Unless I laze around and make it so.

Alright, so this was basically me calling myself out on my noise. Lashing out my demons and putting it in writing what I want to accomplish. I hope this inspires you to write yours, even if you keep it private. I hope it guides you and maintains your vision.

I’ll see you in 2019

A new wave

Caitlin xx

[fertsza]

Urban english

Hi there / Howdy

wack - lame - shitty

what could u possibly have done to it, its all the way up there

I’m down for whatever

deadass - i shit you not

he just showed up holding it like this is a normal thing

Sorry ass

dickhed - dumbass - jerk - cunt - motherfucker - douchebag

GPA = moyenne

now we’re talking

Fam

tbh = ngl

GOAT = greatest of all the time

Gucci = cool

FOMO = Fear Of Missing Out

JOMO = Joy Of Missing Out

Hang up = raccrocher

Y R RUNNING

Stud = bg

I don’t buy it = i dont believe it

That was messed up

Badass - lit - dope

Soon or later = tot ou tard

ur having fun w this, dont even lie

9 = ya un parent autour, fo faire attention a ce qu’on va dire

Having a hard time

Not only are you...

As long as...

Get over that

Can’t handle

Make sure to

As if

how about

get yo arse right back here

Definitely

It was a pleasure

Lets pass on those

Stop being dramatic

This creep me out

Thanks for coming / thanks for having me

Awful / terrible / horrible

Picky

Choose someone over...

Those days ( passé)

These days (present)

Smelly

always thinking he’s right no matter what

5 seconds rule

Run out of smthin

stone = fonsdé

How about (one beer)

What about

What if

i have a v fast metabolism so i can eat a lotta food n i actually struggle to gain weight lol #blessed

Its not what it looks like

Catfishing = essayer de séduire qq1 sur internet avec un faux cpte

Ghosting some1 = disparaître de leur vie

Slow fade = un peu moins violent que le ghosting

Go to Dutch = chacun s’occupe de soit, genre le resto, chacun paie son repas

To have a lot of baggage = qq1 avec un lourd passé

To Hit it off = ya eu un bon feeling avec cette personne (amicale, business, amour)

On again/off again = selena & justin

To break it off = larguer qq1

Did you get some sleep ? a couple hours

You already mentioned it

Hell yeh

In terms of...

Then once you get that

Borrow = prêter mais pas que l’argent

In my opinion

Over a night

Check it out

Little does he know

My pleasure, any time

It was the other way around= l’inverse

So happy to have you both

We don’t talk about shit that matters

But not lately = pas récemment

There’s a lot going on

Leftover = des restes

Easy ! = doucement

I see that for sure

Fair enough

And how about lunch

Have a great experience w the company

And stuff = et tout

Hi this is levik speaking w honeybelle, ...

Can we make it ? = c’est faisable ?

We’re working on it = qd on mange qqchose au resto et qu’il nous demande si on a fini alors que nn

How it turns out

It takes too much room

Later on

Limited knowledge

Versus

Dump = larguer

Let’s just say / what it does

From what i know

Wya

If doest that make sense

Let me get..

Can i have some = casom

Can u spot me

No shit who even...

Piece of shit

Movie theater

Eventually = ... finit par

You’re trying to go out tonight

Screw it

Knock out

Oof

Speak for yourself

Give it a year and you’ll see how it used to be

How did u find out about us

Get a refund

How long is the wait

Crackhead

Pull up = se garer

Knock on the door

That’s rude

bitch wtf

Processed food

Hangry = slang word for hungry

Yeh so what ?!

Camera rolls = galerie

I woke up to a pimple

bet = ok

cheeks = bad

u cheeks at smthin

wig = crazy

wig flew

Tea = true

spill the tea = tell the truth

Yack /puke= vomitar

Busted = shitty/bad

Busted a nut

Cake = big butt

DTF = down to fuck

For here or to go

Neat = soigné/bien rangé

Live up to = être a la hauteur

Starting off

Crackhead= drogué

looks like she went through a lot

Scratching all the way down

don’t work too hard

Blunt

bitch u got me fucked up

You brought it up to someone

In my defense

To make sure

How am i gonna do that you may ask

I am bullied

Thanks for having me

It rlly do be like that smtimes

How do u feel about me giving u a tattoo

Fair point

In terms of

It just got to the point where it was simple

I couldn’t cope w being at

What is it like

Instead of = or else

Wasup - not so much

i wish i was out there

Want him to give you his bank details while he's at it????

It tastes like ass

u had one job

fuck smthin up = merder

i mean like i j didnt think i was gna get to this point so fast

Thats kinda fucked up

Idk thats magic

Yeh that hurtED

Have fun bitch a$$

she looks like shes been through a lot

Weird flew but ok

Clear my schedule

Get off my arseee

As you wait, you can..

my dumbass knows only one

Shut up u didnt do that

Meaning that

What am i hearing is that

Thats a gr8 question

When it comes to

Lowkey this is fire

At such a young age

Just give it 4 mins

Stop exposing/bullying me

Did i ask, mind yo own business

How about...

I lost my shit when he said

I never pooped b4 but This shit has me weak asf

i think its sensational

sorry i don’t normally have anger issues

ur peepee, ur perfect personality

Ur 12

I did a oopsie

Although I’ll never get married

We’re gon make this shit happen

My ass

Dont get me wrong

How do u guys feel abt that

sorry im being v negative, i feel like im negative a lot n im worried abt it

Im flipping my shit rn

No wonder why

Next thing u know

I’m a pacifist but u would pass these fists

Someone get their man

Running out of words

Im not fuckin around

I hate bitches

Run at me = run that shit = fight me

Let me be red a little quick

Lets bounce = lets dip = on se tire

That was my shit

Damn shortie okey

To shove = foutre/mettre

Expel = exclure

I said what i said

lay over = escale

ew why am i being cringey 2day, who told me it was okey to say things like bae

for a hot minute

I dont want u to make a face at me/to be mean to me bc im sharing w u bc i think its funny

To shit (past) = sharted

Stop being a stubborn piece of shit

Bitch you’re tripping

What is he on abt

Roating

The water got run

Its like one of of those things that sounded a lot better in my head and i said it and im like im fking stupid

Cmon make up ur mind

Im j kidding u dumb bitch i know u cant read

clingy = collant

ok im done overreacting

Hometown

Ok Picture this

Kenny smells like meldoo

Chips u owe me a drink

They wanna hate everything that i do n that i make for them bc they wanna bully me bc its fun for them

U lost ur shit like big time

Roast/bully

When you’re gone, everybody gets used to you being gone bc u cant j mourn for the rest of your life

i want my brain to get constipated so my ideas aint leaving my head

if i leave, im scared that u gon get used to forgetting abt me, u gon get used to me not being here

they dont deserve my funny ass

Okey fire

they aren’t playing around

[honey-speedway]

im quitting tomorrow

they dont deserve my two weeks at this point, and im screwing them over for the winter games. win win.

im going in, around 11, handing them my shirt, apron, card, bill folder, and that stupid jacket that was supposed to be a christmas gift. my name is embroidered in it, and i dont fucking care.

long story short, my shifts were slashed. i went from 5 days a week, 29 hours, to 4 days a week, 20.5 hours. i was pulled off my saturday and sunday morning shifts which are the money makers. ive been there for over 3 years. when they told me about the schedule, i looked at them and said, “so you slashed my shifts for *insert former server who has just come back to work*” and they said yes.

cue today, after i sign out im called into the office. the essentially say my shifts being cut were a result of the mistakes i make when ringing in food. i asked if there was a large margin between how many mistakes i make vs everyone else. they couldnt answer me.

now heres the problem. i was one of the servers working the most. i work the busiest shifts. im also one of the youngest. you cant compare me, a server of 1.5 years, to a server of 20 years. you cant compare me, who works the busy shifts 5 days a week, to the person working the dead night shifts 3 days a week. 

its not like i come in every day and make mistakes. theyre simply being stingy about money, yet dont fucking realize the other problems costing them money. i had to promo 2 fucking meals today because of hair in the food. but the kitchen can do no wrong according to them.

they tried to say the kitchen tells them who makes mistakes and who makes things difficult. well pray tell, why 2 of the cooks who i always work with, dont have a problem with me. one flat out told me i was a strong server when i told him about having my shifts cut. they talked to the head asshole of the kitchen, and we dont get along to the point where if there is anyone else in the kitchen, i wont talk to him. we hate each other. he was a creepy asshole from the start, and if youre not kissing his ass, youre bullying him.

i was personally attacked by the boss who wouldve been screaming had she not lost her voice, about how i run around when its busy. “customers see that” well im fucking sorry i didnt realize how i move when im busy and panicked!?!? ive had 15 tables on the go at once because they wont put fucking staff on.

they got mad over me “making too much coffee” this morning. we had bankers and business men. if you keep their cups full, theyre happy. and they drink a lot of coffee. we used every drop of that coffee. and they said “it sad for 45 minutes” no it didnt. and ive served coffee damn near 3 hours old, no one notices.

i argued with them, crying and screaming, my hours shouldnt have been cut. they said they shouldve had this talk sooner, but my hours wouldve decreased then. they try to pass this off as a “improve on these shifts and we’ll see” well if you had this discussion sooner, my shifts never wouldve been cut.

they were cut to get a former server back. one who speaks french like them. one who gained so much weight shes out of breath speaking to her tables. her first day back when awful, according to my coworkers.

im done. i cant do this, and i refuse to take this. im going in tomorrow morning, and grabbing my things and leaving. im screwing them over because theyll be short for the winter games, and i dont give two fucks.

it hurts though. three years and im treated like shit. but then again, the father of a former server who worked there for 9 years, and he now works baking us pies, said flat out. they treat everyone like shit. this server is afraid the bosses will find out shes serving elsewhere now.

it hurts to leave my coworkers like this. it hurts that i cant say goodbye to all of them, or to my regulars. 

but my mom, who encouraged me to not quit until i had a job lined up. when i went out crying today, saying my two weeks would be on their desk tomorrow, she looked at me and asked why im giving my two weeks. i said it was the right thing to do. she said yes, but i wouldnt give them any more of my time. not after that. she said she wouldve quit on the spot, and i was ready to.

i told them i was miserable and had been for quite some time. miss didnt have a voice said “dont you put this on us when youve never come to us”

weve told you how your daughter doesnt do her work. you dont care.

weve told you about problem employees. you dont care.

weve told you about health concerns. you dont care.

they said i didnt care, and i threw back it was hard to care when they dont. the one boss kinda lost it.

i dont care. and to hell with them. treat an employee of 3 years like this??? fuck you. 

so ive spent my evening crying because this is so frustrating and painful. my coworkers are some of the best people, and i hate to leave them in the thick of things like this. some of the regulars brighten my day. i wont be able to say goodbye to blaine, peggy and her husband, diet coke lady, red haired lady and her father, mentally disabled man who always asked for my section, the sunday regulars, the father and son, big plate lady, and the many that i recognize by face. i hate to quit without proper notice. 

my head hurts and everytime i stop crying i end up starting to again. i dont have another job, and the economy is bad. theres no jobs, let alone serving jobs. ill file for IE right away, but i need to get something soon

im tired