#im probably gonna need to pick up something seasonal during the slow months but right now is boom time

[oddside]

you would not fucking believe how much better my brain is doing now that I've switched from full time bank hours to sporadic hellish graveyard shift gig work. I worked a 16 hour day and felt better a day later than I did on Saturdays when I worked full time. this is it, I'm a stagehand until I physically cannot do it anymore, fuck it

[fuck-customers]

I had to work on express for the first time in a long time... honestly it felt like walking death row, walking from the back to the front and seeing every full register occupied, knowing my fate before I even looked at the lane assignment sheet...

Anyways, I tried to make the best of it, but fuck customers dude. I hate express. I HATE express. This is going to be about people who apparently... don't know what "10 or less" means.

To preface, our express registers are set up fucking stupid, but there DOES happen to be a rather large and obvious sign at about ~5 foot/torso/shoulder height that clearly states these two lanes as express, with a 10 item limit CLEARLY stated.

It's not like a sign hung off the ceiling where people don't usually look, or high on a register number like you see at walfart. No, it's a big ass sign a bit below eye level that is parked RIGHT IN FRONT OF the counter you put your groceries onto. You quite literally cannot miss it.

Also... unlike walsharts, I'm actually at liberty to tell people to fuck off if they're over limit... 😈

Anyways, onto the stories of people who pretend they can't see or hear or know what 10 is.

1. Towards the end of my shift during a lull in customers (meaning plenty of full registers open) this lady walks up with a cart far past the 10 item limit. I literally witness her slow down, read the sign, and then pick speed back up and start turning the corner to where I'm standing. 

Are you fucking serious?

I just looked at her and I was like, "sorry m'am, this is a 10 or less express lane."

Luckily she accepted it and fucked off to a full register, probably because she already knew she was in the wrong, but what the fuck, lady?

2. A woman who had 9 items but looked like more - a man behind her while she was waiting in line said that it was a "10 items OR LESS" line... I'm not sure if it was directed at her or if he was muttering to himself, but it seemed like he said it pointedly.

Luckily he left before she even checked out, like he forgot something and had to go back, but I was ready to squash that shit in a heartbeat. I don't need massive fights breaking out like last month, especially when the woman wasn't even in the wrong.

The woman did seem kind of uneasy and was looking around a bit, so it makes me a little suspicious. I'm glad nothing came of it - in writing it here because it kind of triggered my fight or flight instincts due to the fight that happened last month.

3. I was putting stuff up and generally tidying up a bit during a small break in a rush. I walked back to my register and pulled a coworker that had been 3rd in line behind a woman with a cart at the register behind me, who had over 10 items. I did not call this woman because of that. I called my coworker because she had literally 2 items.

So I'm joking around with her, and the woman in line at the register behind me who had been in front of my coworker butts in and is kind of snottily asking, "so are you open for everyone or?"

I was still mid joke so I just gave her a big old grin and I was like, "if you have 10 or less, yeah."

She started turning her cart towards my register, only to realize she had over 10, and proceeded to just stay and sit in her line.

...Like no lady, this is the special employees only line. They scheduled me specifically to run this register ONLY for employees. I'm supposed to just ignore all the customers and wait around for hours just to ring up snacks and drinks and food for my coworkers. GOD lol

Kudos to her for not pushing it and trying to come over regardless though lmoa

4. I'm a quick cashier, so I'm usually already scanning items while previous customers are telling me a final anecdote or saying bye, gathering their shit, etc. So that ended up happening - I was wishing a woman a good evening, and already had 2 cartons of milk scanned from the next order. So when I turned to greet my current customers and saw a half cart (It's like a smaller cart with a small basket on top and one on the bottom but it can realistically fit as much as a full cart if you're dedicated)

Completely

Filled

To

The

Fucking

Brim.

I was not a happy camper at all. I deflated a bit because since I already started scanning, I couldn't tell them to fuck off. So I somewhat unhappily in a semi flat voice told them, "okay, I'll take you guys this time since I've already started, but in the future, this is an express, TEN ITEMS OR LESS lane."

All they did was do that stupid fake, "Oh, haha '''''we didn't know'''''', sorry" stupid ass obviously lying through their teeth kind of shit that's almost more annoying than them breaking the rules in the first place.

You know you knew. I know you knew. You know you just didn't give a shit. I know you just didn't give a shit. How about eat my shit instead next time.

5. During a lull on express, I went customer hunting. I was over on register 2, on one end of the front end. I went over all the way to register 7, on the complete opposite end of the front end to grab customers, since everyone near me had large orders.

Lines were sort of bad, but once I plucked the small orders, it wasn't so bad. Wait times weren't terrible, it hadn't gotten to the point where we were calling for manager help yet.

Anyways, I pull this lady who has a small order. Everyone else is basically glaring at me because I'm pulling people from, essentially, the back of the line, so I hold my two fists up, open them wide, close and open, etc, a few times to signify TEN, while proclaiming loudly that "I'M OPEN ON THE END FOR EXPRESS, TEN OR LESS!"

These two men behind them, who obviously have more than 10 items, are behind her, looking at me. After my obvious hand gestures of TEN and my loud proclamation, I walk towards my register.

I ring out the lady

I look up

And who is there but these two fucknut assholes with more than 10 items. I groan internally but fuck it, it's easier than arguing about it so I ring them out, at like... 25 items. 

And I tell them, "okay just so you guys know for the future, this is a 10 or less express lane. :)"

The younger of the two, maybe the son?... just kind of was like, "yeeahh... I told him that... but he was hoping you'd have a heart."

...excuse you?

Because me enforcing a ten or less rule that is there FOR A REASON makes me a heartless bitch, apparently? Go fuck yourself dude, that's the last time I actually do "have a heart". Next time I'm gonna tell you to eat a bag of dicks!

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM... DICKS?!?!?!?!?!

6. I saved this one for last because it kind of strikes me as the best/worst one.

Before this couple, a guy and a lady, came up, I overheard them muttering to each other in front of the sign. Based on what happened, and what I heard the guy say, and from thinking about it afterwards, Im pretty sure the guy was telling her that it was an express lane, and the woman was telling him we can't refuse service or something - basically like, "who gives a crap".

So they come up, and I'm like ok whatever.

It's actually kind of hard for me to gauge what 10 items is, especially at my store, with all the produce and subsequent produce bags. There's been times when I thought for sure they were over, and they weren't... or were within the limit, but were not. 

Plus, the limit actually used to be 15 items. The last time I worked express it was 15, so I'm used to 15, not 10. I wasn't really saying too much to people unless it was close to or over 20.

Combined with the fact that I wasn't paying much mind to their mutterings until afterwards, and the above 2 paragraphs, I just let them come through.

I begin ringing them through. Customers at any lane like to do this super fucking annoying and aggravating thing where they notice the instant something double scans, and will aggressively scour the screen showing them their purchases, only to loudly and often times indignantly proclaim that something scanned twice. (Disclaimer: It's perfectly acceptable to be concerned over double rung items and to ask about it. It's the way most people go about it that is annoying.)

Now, I'm a seasoned cashier and am used to this, so it's second nature to automatically fix these immediately after they happen. I typically never think about it, it's just a reflex.

But because customers like to get shitty over it, I like to dryly point out that if they keep reading, it will say "item cancelled". Because apparently they can read:

ITEM

ITEM

but when it comes to the

- ITEM CANCELLED:

-----ITEM

Directly under the double scanned item, suddenly they can't read anymore.

So this is where I, apparently, go wrong with this lady.

Her package of tomatoes accidentally rang twice. I voided it off as soon as it happened. But this.. fucking lady... is basically tripping over herself and her companion to get to the screen which shows purchases. She goes "UH OH!"

I just go about my business but then she's basically throwing stuff back into her cart and telling the guy to move because she HAS TO CHECK THE SCREEN!!

So I say, "uh.. what?" (In genuine confusion at this point, i thought she was worried they package broke open or something, which has been known to happen... I'm even looking at it in my hand like "???" At that point) And she says, "it sounded like something double rang. YES! It did. The tomatoes did." So I just kind of blankly go, "yep, and if you keep reading, it will say 'item cancelled'."

Usually when I say this, believe it or not, people will stop being shitty and have a laugh and I'll usually apologize for the mistake. But nope, not this time. Instead she stands a ways away from the register with her arms folded just glaring.

I literally don't even give a tenth of a fuck so I continue ringing, me and the guy aren't having any issues. He goes to pay, I see they have over 20 items, so I nicely and politely as always, tell them, "and just so you guys know for the future, this is a 10 or less express lane. :)" 

This part is worth a fucking lol.

The guy immediately stops his payment, swings his whole body around with his arms kind of gesturing towards the woman, and just looks at her.

How she reacted isn't as funny.

He's just standing there like basically "I told u bitch" and she just stands there like an ice queen. And he keeps standing there looking at her until she lets out a frosty, short, crisp, "yep." At which point he turns back around and completes the transaction.

YEP INDEED HOE 😂🤣😂

YEP INDEED

Come at me next time you're here with that yep shit and I'll tell you to fuck off. This ain't Wal-diarrhea sweetheart, I CAN, and absolutely WILL, deny you service at my register and direct you to a full one if I catch you in express with more than 10 items.

Fucking

"Yep."

LMAOOOOOOOOOO fucking lord. Miss me with that shit, honey. Yep.

-------

Anyways, the thing that I don't get out of any of it, is that people seem to think that the express lane was invented to spite them. Like it was invented to exclude them from a cool secret club of people who don't need a cartload of shit.

It was not.

It was invented so that people who only want to buy a few items can leave quickly, as opposed to creating larger lines and angrier people by making these said people wait behind soccer mom Sharon and her $400 order.

People act like I'm turning them away from express because I am a Huge Bitch who, again, wants to spite them, apparently for a laugh.

You know why I'm REALLY turning you and your fucking gigantic ass cartload of bullshit away from my register?

Because it LITERALLY CANNOT ACCOMODATE your order.

You know what full registers have? Constantly moving belts that are wide, and long. They also have a large counter where scanned and bagged items can be placed.

You know what my express lane has?

A 1x1.5 foot, immovable counter for you to place groceries on, and a 2x2 foot counter for me to place bagged items on.

My express lane can fit, exactly, a handbasket on the counter. The bagging "area" is just a SLIGHTLY bigger counter that is, actually, shared with the register beside me, and cannot hold as many groceries as you think it can.

I do hate you, dear customer, but that's not why I'm turning you away from my register.

Oh and, do you want to know why the express lane moves quickly? Because it's not full of people like you mugging it up with your huge order because you think you're better than everyone else. :^)

Yep.