#im posting this on tumblr and a03.. not something serious i just wanting to send this out into the world

[sleepboysummer]

excerpt from my penny lamb fic i started a year and a half ago and never finished or revised

"penny lamb" i recited to myself. i tried to think of my family, friends, anyone saying it to me- but all i could hear was my own voice; quiet, monotone. empty. in the mirror, under harsh fluorescent lights, i could see my reflection, but it didnt feel real. i imagined i was someone else, looking into a painted portrait instead of a mirror.

i touched my face. big black bug eyes, dark hair that looked halfway burnt off, like i had been partly through chopping it short before changing my mind and leaving the rest. i had bangs, sort of, but they were uneven and frizzy and sticking in all directions. my skin was ghost white- so pale and transluscent that my veins shone through, purple bags under my eyes nearly as dark and deep as the bruises that littered my face.

my face. it wasn't registering. that was me that i saw, not some strange zombie girl from a movie.

amnesia, they had told me. a concussion.

i would be fine, apparently; out of some miracle, i hadn't been hurt. i didnt feel fine. i hated this place. the smell of bleach and the flickering lights made me nauseous, the air so still and cold it felt like death. i felt like i was waiting for something that would never come.

but someone had to- maybe my mom, or my best friend, or a boyfriend if i'd had one. soon they'd see me and hold me until i was myself again. maybe they'd tell me penny, i'm so sorry i let this happen, i love you i love you and i would say it back and mean it.

i tried to smile but it made my head hurt.

i stared in the mirror and combed through my hair with my fingers best i could. it didn't look right- it was too tangled, knots making it stick out in all the weirdest places. as if it were habit, i felt my hands part my hair and start to braid, before i even realized i knew how to. i had nothing to tie them off with, but i decided that was okay. i just wanted to look pretty.

penny lamb, i reminded myself. i'm seventeen. brown hair, brown eyes, fair skin, gender F. that's what it had said on my files. i had comitted it to memory even as i was half asleep.

a knock.

"penny?"

i smoothed my hair down once more, took a really deep breath, and turned back towards the door.