#im on my tour bus going home still.. straight up this is gonna be so hard to watch

[codecicle]

slimecicle haircut that looks just as good as pre-cut,,, the california barbers are doing him RIGHT

[submariini]

Thee Antwerp Gig Overview (by #5)

me and @jeevm arrived around 7:50am at the gig, numbers 4 and 5 bc belgians simply are not a queuing people. not much happened beside chaotic uno and trix doing a short interview with us seven? i think at that point i forget

the bus arrived a little before ten am, and we were allowed to sit inside at that point so we just all went outside again and just stood there for a whole ass three hours being clowns.

jaakko, jukka and jesse walked by a few times entirely undisturbed bc belgians also do not talk ever. (and dutch ppl ig). respectful times.

eventually, at around one, Häärijä got off the bus (mostly as a distraction for K going the other way). This man came by like proper we thought he was gonna just walk by, but he waved and then decided to ignore everyone and beeline straight into my direction for a hug? hello? unsure how he still knows what i look like (was not in the yellow tshirt yet bc cold and he hasnt seen me since simerock).

K and Jesse came by as well -- please note at this point there were like goddamn 40 people there. Nothing like the Munich papal visit scenes at any point.

K just the nicest. Didn't remember me from simerock (fair, it was a factory of photographs) and was like wtf rollo (as per ushe), complimented my boots bc he likes them (they are r+ but usually kids sizes) and i got to be "mean" abt the r+ ticket sale and the bus making it stressful. When he asked it I wanted him to sign anything, I didn't have anything and he just offered to sign my boots? Man did not expect the clown to clown communication that was happening bc he seemed very oh god for real when I agreed.

Someone gave him a necklace and instantly wanted to put it on. The person who gave it couldn't fasten it bc nails/shaking hands so I offered to try and then idk how it got fastened bc christ I shook as well. Not helpful: Mikke both filming that and the boot signing up close 😭

Told Jesse he told me at simerock that I should just join the tour bus and he went "yeah that sounds like something I would say." then scolded me for not having been in Berlin for that 😭

H wandered back and forth a bit, had another weird football chat (rip hazards career) where I was sitting on a little wall, back to the bus still at that point, and he just leaned into me turning around and just held my shoulders the entire time? When I got sweaty and took my hoodie off later he also suddenly grabbed my tshirt when it was riding up I am Feeling Fine.

Was wearing the yellow tshirt w the cross stitch and he made me turn to show Jesse??? And Jesse did the nicest "wait can I touch this?" bc I guess he thought it would be fragile???

People formed a nice selfie line and K just said he's santa claus 🎅

H vanished, then came back out of the bus, and we had a weird mime moment bc I wasnt sure if he was motioning at me to get to him away from the rest. He was and I got fucking free merch??? Like free, not yet available merch. Genuinely what the FUCK. Im making an extra post abt this most likely bc I cannot explain what the hell happened in that moment and the things around it.

When Mikke did the interview w the first queuer, H just stood behind the glass door into the venue and started miming at us. Like not even properly in character? Help.

Gig

Jesus Belgian audiences proving once again we just Are like that. Refusing to goddamn shut up. Every time. Man disallowed to banter by loud belgian screaming. He seemed so touched though jesus christ time to cry

Got roasted for basically slut dropping and shooting my Häärijä sign up in the air before Mic Mac. "yes that mean fucking häärijä" local man fed up w my antics.

Got roasted AGAIN straight after Mic Mac because I was the person he pointed at during the "this is your home now" bit. (promptly decided diving behind the barrier and Face In Hands was the best reply)

Mild bit before the 2nd Cha Cha Cha as I was the front row person he called out for not sitting down. Just yelled that I got bad knees and I'm not sure anyone caught his reply properly 😂

Overall 10/10 excellent gig what the HELL. The belly flop on the balloon, the whole banter before paidaton bc so much of the queue ppl I was with took their shirt off, the way we refused to kept chanting, him trying to eat the bubbles, him talking about Hs dick and the whole balls convo??

Post Gig

Had to pick up merch for a few people, so went with the hope of a third Häärijä hug. He eventually got a bit held up outside of merch by people (lit at the door into the merch room) and I got to just "Sorry it's me again" but he just instantly hug. We talked a little about the gig (did I like it, how I was doing) and like K feeling much better/doing better ft. some dumb crap.

Merch was in fact gotten after I just LOST my friends bc of H.

CANNOT wait for London. and Glasgow but thats with normal people. Like met so many fun people in the queue who are going to be at London jesus christ. Party time.

[a03bkdk]

no quirks bkdk fic rec list (p 2)

thirsty gay wingman fic by lalazee

((smut-14130-1/1))

Oct 11, 2019 "Thinkin abt besties-since-birth BkDk goin to college together, Dk begrudgingly bein Bkg's wingman w/chicks & lamenting his big gay crush. One nite, Bkg cant get laid, hes drunk in a shitty mood, so Dk propositions him, which turns into the best night ever & the WORST consequences."

My tweet got 366 likes & 66 reblogs, so that was more than enough reason to write about it.

romeo and romeo by supercrunch

((10473-1/1))

There’s a nasally howl from the neighbour’s place. Izuku looks up – it’s the very loud, very blond guy living in the unit opposite. They’re technically in separate blocks but their balconies are close enough they can see into each other’s living rooms. He’s dancing around in his pyjamas. Yodelling at the top of his lungs off-key, swinging his Pomeranian around by the armpits like a furry ragdoll. “You’re a dog! You’re a fluffy little yellow dog and you’re a pain in the ass but you’re still my favourite shit-stain, yeah!”

Izuku bursts out laughing. The neighbour’s head whips around. He yelps when he sees him, tossing the dog on the couch and scrambling out of view to hide in the hall.

Izuku drops the watering can and runs back inside to find his phone.Small Might: Guys. I've decided i have a crush on my neighbour.

(quarantine baking: a balcony romance)

mechanical bull by warschach

((smut-27573-1/1))

Katsuki has a track record of bad choices, it's a condition, but Izuku might be the one choice that's right.

battle of the bands by roadtripwithlucifer

((smut-168158-26/26))

'The rules are simple. Battle of the Bands. Local bands send in a single track to the radio station, and ten tracks are selected. Over the coming month, the songs play on the station and listeners vote on the top five. The top 5 play a live concert as part of a music festival, then the top 3 at a larger, indoor venue. The top two have the honor of opening on the first stop of All Might’s retirement tour – here. In Izuku’s home town. And finally, the winner gets the ultimate prize. Getting to spend the rest of the tour, forty cities, across the country as All Might’s opener. Three months. Same tour bus. Shoulder to shoulder with the greatest musicians the world has ever known.'Izuku Midoriya is a broke college student presented with the opportunity of a lifetime. But winning isn't gonna be easy, especially when one band's aggressive blonde frontman seems to be dead-set on making Izuku's life a living hell.

oh my god! they were roomates! by phatye

((smut-79108-57/57))

“Don’t go through my shit, and if there’s a tie on the door, then fuck off!” Katsuki growled. “...what?” he asked. Katsuki glared at him. “This is fucking college, and I plan on getting laid a lot! I don’t need some nerd cockblocking me! And what is with all the fucking toys here!” Katsuki had moved over to his shelves. “Are you a fucking child or something?!” This was not what he was expecting.

shades of blue by young_crone

((smut-22525-1/1))

Echoes filtered down the white hall as he descended the stairs toward the locker rooms, reverberating from the pool. A whistle, the sound of breaking water. He swiped the towel over his face, paused. The sliver of cerulean catching the sinking sun pouring through the skylights, the red and white lane buoys, the burn of chlorine.Izuku ran a hand through his curls, snagging on a knot. The clock on the wall reminded him how late it was. A minute wouldn't hurt. He worried his lip. Just a glimpse.

k-9 by warschach

((smut- 18304-1/1))

Izuku takes in a stray on one rainy night, except it's not a dog, it's a dog shifter who goes by the name, Katsuki. After the initial wave of panic and embarrassment, Izuku thinks his new pet/roommate is pretty cute.

sucker punch by warschach

((smut-41551-1/1))

But, whatever, Disney Boy over there was—

Prettying up real damn good that Katsuki got kind of distracted—totally understandable, like god those CGI pine eyes—and didn’t see the straight path he made for the metal trash bin in the center of the area until he was tipping forward and waist deep in discarded bottles, plates, balled up tissues sticky with he prayed was chocolate ice cream and nacho cheese.

Mina howled behind the gate. “Look, Katsuki returned to his home.”

(or Katsuki works security at Six Flags and moonlights as a derby dude and continuously looks uncool around Izuku)

may I take your order, dipshit? by supercrunch

((6373-1/1))

So, like, maybe Bakugou wasn’t really the best choice for this whole pizza delivery shindig.

(Midoriya in love, Bakugou in denial, and way, way too much cheese.

A BakuDeku romance in thirty minutes or less. )

raise me so high (your sins become my pedestal) by stardust_painter

((smut-10804-2/2))

After his boyfriend cheats on him, Izuku wants to do something stupid. The question is how stupid does he want to be.

The answer is very stupid apparently.

eye for an eye or whatever by tobiyos

((smut-4049-1/1))

“I’ll make it up to you!” Izuku says brightly, lifting his head from Katsuki’s lap.

Katsuki’s eyes narrow but he isn’t still pushing Izuku away so. Progress. “Fuck are you gonna do to make it up to me?”

“Hmm…” Izuku says quietly, tapping at his chin. “Oh! You’re still a virgin, right?”

Katsuki chokes on his own spit and promptly renews his efforts of pushing Izuku away by the forehead. “Fuck off,” he wheezes, “get out of my room.”

leap of faith by ladyofsnails

((28771-4/4))

Midoriya Izuku is just a random kid who loves art, analyzes everything, and is obsessed with the (in)famous hero Mighty Spider. He's got a loving mother, a great uncle, and maybe not too many friends that aren't those two but he's working on it.

And then a random cute boy shows up at his school, a spider bites him, he meets his hero under the worst possible conditions, and it all goes to hell. Now he's got villains on his tail, a promise to keep to a dead guy, and a washed-up hobo as his mentor.

Here goes nothing.

green is the warmest color by gloriousporpoise

((smut-12287-2/2))

“Woah, someone call the fire department,” Eijirou says, elbowing Katsuki squarely in the ribs. “That guy is smokin.’”

“I literally hate you.”

Here’s the thing, though. Eijirou’s a certified dumbass, but his current observation isn’t even a little bit wrong, much to Katsuki’s displeasure.

“Think you can get his number?”

Or, Bakugou is a painter without a muse.

you and i collide by ethereals

((smut-20442-9/9))

And not that Bakugou’s the type to sexualize a potentially dead body; especially one that he just accidentally murdered, but the man has some pretty solid DSL’s. He would hit it, with more than just his car.

OR

in which rich fratboy! bakugou is a badass who accidentally hits poor med student!izuku with his car and chaos ensues therefore.

97.6 FM by jamjars

((smut-32249-3/3))

Izuku can’t stop listening to the radio host with the deep voice who sounds like he’s stuck in 2010. It’s a harmless crush. That is until he starts calling into the show under the pseudonym Deku.

Or Radio Host! Baugou x Listener! Midoriya

give me that sweet love by xsxuxgxax

((smut-32768-9/9))

Things Katsuki needs to excel at: be hot, be clever and pretend to be nice, let Izuku kiss him publicly, let Izuku fuck him privately…

(sugar baby katsuki and sugar daddy izuku pretty much)

dance with me by astralchaos

((30161-10/10))

Mina pulled up a video of a young man, seemingly teen, dancing to a popular new hit, and Izuku felt his heart drop to his stomach. His skin prickled and felt clammy as he started sweating nervously, not daring to move or make a noise. His eyes were glued to the screen but he didn’t see anything – his brain was too busy going into overdrive and freaking out.

Because Mina was showing him a video of himself. The one he uploaded last night.

How on Earth did she find this? He had barely a few thousand views, he wasn’t popular, and it’s not like he was even any good, especially compared to her or Kacchan–

“That move was sexy as hell,” Kacchan said, and that was when Izuku realized that his childhood friend – his longtime crush – also leaned in to watch the video Mina was showing him.

puppies puppies by Esselle

((15491-2/2))

"So after doing all that," Katsuki says, "you're just going to settle here? Tatting up wannabe bad boys?"

"You think all guys who have a lot of tattoos are wannabes?" Midoriya asks, so smoothly that it throws Katsuki.

"Wh—no, I mean—maybe!" Katsuki says. "You'd know best, wouldn't you? Are you a bad boy?"

The words are out of his mouth before he even realizes it, and he regrets them immediately. There's a figurative list of things that one should never do, and probably high up on it is asking dark-haired sailors with ocean green eyes and black swirls of ink all across their barely concealed muscles if they are bad boys.

--

Katsuki thinks he has everything he needs in life: a successful pet shop, an occasionally reliable assistant, and the unconditional love of the twenty puppies he’s raising for adoption. But when the tattoo parlor next door hires Midoriya Izuku, a hot sailor with an affinity for dogs, it makes Katsuki wonder if he might need something more.

Like… a piece of that ass. Maybe. He’s figuring it the hell out as he goes.

im gonna make a part 3 later ergaegrggjnjuvuh

[miserybegins]

i use my blog like a diary and today i realized i never talked about what happened in my life while i was blog-less from april to august so:

so my blog was suspended right before my 10 year tumblr anniversary with that blog which was april 5th i believe.

on april 6th i flew to san diego to do the 6 california dates of the frank/tbs tour. the tour was so much fun!!! we went to disney for two or three days that we had off from the tour which was a lot of fun. 

the highlight of the tour was the second night in LA because I MET RAY!!!! while tbs was on i saw ray hanging back in the crowd and i couldn’t help myself i had to go say hi so i introduced myself and told him how much the music meant to me, it was really brief cause the show was going on and it was super loud and he was with his wife but he was like the gentlest and nicest man ever....however i had to go chug a 20 dollar beer right afterwards to cope.

we figured gerard and mikey were there as well since they all always go to frank LA shows but im glad i didnt see gerard cause that would just cause a breakdown im a simple man and gerard way makes me cry!

but frank did come talk to us that night, it was the only opportunity i really got on that tour to talk to frank and i hadnt talked to him since last summer when i got really bombed at a tribute show and talked to him while black out drunk which i dont remember. so i had a really good talk with him and i was like i dont know WHY im telling you this but i reminded him how i told him about my alopecia a while back and how mcr had helped me cope with that well while i was in california i tested not wearing a hat to cover my alopecia for the first time and even though it was super scary everyone treated me the same and i did itt! i survived!! so i reminded him how i told him about that and then told him how i had been combatting that on the trip and he seemed so genuinely happy for me he was like that is so awesome and he hi fived me. and it was good i really love frank. oh also i told him we were going to get tattoos in san fransisco and he told us to go to idle hand so

in san fransisco we did go to idle hand to get tattooed! i got a heart on my middle finger and my broken armed boozey that frank drew up for me after i had broken my arm at his show and frank had warned us that they might not be the friendliest people but they were great tattoo artists so we were like scared?? but my guy was so fucking nice and literally hugged me when i tipped him and he thought it was so cool that we were following the tour so idk...good experience.

when i got home from the tour though it was a few weeks until my 25th birthday and i didnt want to live so i went inpatient for almost 2 weeks :( but then i got out and had my birthday and lived i guess lmao

when i went back to work i had like nO MONEY because i spent all of it in california but frank had east coast shows coming up and the release of barriers and i was just like if i dont go i am gonna lose my fucking mind! and my friend convinced me to go to harrisburg and she bought my ticket so i was like yay! amen! this friend is always so good to me i cant explain.

anyway this is my favorite thing. im standing outside the venue talking to my friends before doors and the band walks out the front cause theres only one entrance and theyre going to the bus but frank seens me and walks the other way to come over and shake my hand and tell me it was good to see me ;____; literally rerouted himself to say hi to ME specifically i was like...wah. im baby. i LOVE HIM.

i ended up getting stupid drunk at the show and woke up in the back seat of my car the next morning still parked across from the venue..dont recommend. but im saying this because it is a plot point!

i got in a lot of trouble for going to pennsylvania without telling anyone and not answering any texts or calls when everynoe was still really worried about me but then a couple weekends later there were more shows....the show frank played on a boat and a signing the next day.

so my friends again paid for me to go because they thought it was important for me. which it was. the boat show was fun but i felt so sick because it was on a literal moving boat and i hadnt eaten or slept but i was extremely overcaffeinated....so when we got to the hotel that night i fell asleep for 15 hours straight i was asleep before my friend even got out of the shower and i did NOT wake up.

the signing the next day was really weird for me. they played a few songs which was fine but then to ‘meet’ frank at a signing was super weird cause he and evan were at this table and i just didnt knwo what to say and i felt really awkward and it was a weird shift in dynamic from how i usually talk to them so i feel like i came off as super nervous and then i was liek frank htates me now cause he thinks i am nervous to talk to him...but then my friend was talking to me about it and we realized that it had been a really long time since id talked to frank sober. and it was sad to realize that but also cool that i could make that realization and move forward from it.

so the NEXT weekend i went to the last show which was asbury lanes. saw a lot of pals there. i could have drank but i didnt drink at all and i had the best time....i was amazed by the lighting idk if it was just really good that night or if i hadnt paid any attention cause id always been drunk but it felt really good and i told frank about it after the show!!

but the whole time that all was happening i was like really fucking depressed and i didnt think i was going to even make it home that time. i did make it home but a few days later i tried to kill myself and ended up in inpatient for the whole month of july. :/

when i got out though i made some changes like leavig chipotle and getting a job at hot topic before anyone expected me to go back to work and i also started taking a bio class which is hopefully now going to turn into me doing a surgical tech program starting in the fall!

im still very depressed but im doing better, even i can admit.

if you read this whole thing you are a champ...

[cal-puddies]

without me 5 years || ashton irwin

part 1 can be found here!

Ashton’s eyes light up as he watches you walk in the room. It was a big night for him and he was so happy to have you and the guys be apart of it. He was accepting his 5 years sober chip.

It hadn’t been easy, he didn’t come home and everything was fixed. There were more slip ups.

You guys fought. A lot. Especially in the beginning, with the counselor, and you’d had to find a new one. They’d encouraged you to give him a kid when you didn’t feel it was right because they thought it’d help his recovery.

He went on a four day bender with alcohol when you’d adamantly said no, and he almost got himself moved back into Calum’s. But he came home and told you all about it, took a shower and then an Uber to a meeting.

He was going daily for a while. It was hard to be sober when most parts of your career are drinking or have drinks involved.

But at the end of most days, even the hardest ones, you two talked it out and went to bed together, he’d wrap you in his arms and tell you he loved you. He never wanted you to feel otherwise.

And you were pretty much always on tour with him now, the one he could depend on to keep him straight.

You didn’t mind. As long as he was healthy and happy and not using, you could deal. And he’d let you off the hook a lot too, spending the night playing games with Mikey so you, Luke, and Cal could go have a few drinks.

“Mike?” Ash asked, on one of those nights. “Do you think, while we were separated, that she ever saw anyone else?”

“Uh… guess I never really thought about it. She like disappeared for 3 months though.” He shrugged. “I dunno, Crys and I were so busy with the baby, that I don’t think either of us ever even texted her back after she congratulated us.” He bit his lip, “Cal would probably be the one to know.”

“Yeah… but I’m also afraid it might have been Cal… so would he really tell me?”

“I don’t think you should sell Cal short. He loves you so much, otherwise he wouldn’t have put up with all your bullshit. I really truly believe them when they say they’ve never done anything. I think you should too, and I think you should stop trying to accuse them of that.” Mike defended you, because he was sick of hearing it.

“I know you’re right.” Ash nodded.

“Besides… what good does it do you now to know that? If she did, it might upset you, even though you did too, and if she didn’t it also might upset you because you feel guilty or something. I just don’t see this as serving a purpose.” He shrugged.

“Yeah I get it. I just… sometimes feel like she’s keeping something from me.”

“Even if she is, I promise you there’s a reason for it, and I’d bet she doesn’t want to hurt you or it won’t affect you at all.”

“Mike… was I ever bad to her in front of you?” He asked.

“Only at the baby shower. You’d been off with her, like you’d been with us… but you never gave any indication of doing the things I know you did.” He shrugged.

“Hmm… I think I’m gonna go to bed, just in a weird headspace.”

“You gonna be alright dude?” Mike asked.

“Yeah. Just gonna get some sleep. You’re right.” He nodded.

You found him freshly showered and in bed with your laptop when you got back. “Hey babe,” you’d greeted.

“Hey… sorry,” he noticed you looking at your laptop, “mines dead and I wanted to watch something on Netflix.”

“That’s ok babe.”

Ash watched you for a minute before going back to the laptop. “D’you have fun?” He asked.

“Yeah. You?” You asked, disappearing to brush your teeth.

“Not really.” He admitted.

You came back out when your face was clean and teeth brushed, “what’s wrong?”

“I just… weird headspace.” He shrugged.

“Wanna talk about it babe?” You got on the bed next to him.

“Did you ever see anyone else?” He asked, not able to look you in the eye.

“When we were separated?” You clarified. He nodded and you took a minute to think back. “Not really. I mean I had drinks with one guy but it was never more than that. I was just… focused on you, and me and figuring out what us not together meant. It was a really tough time for me Ash. I barely saw the guys and I honestly didn’t want to. I wanted to figure out what it’d be like to lose all of you.”

“You never would have lost all of us.” He disagrees.

“Ash, after everything. I’d have needed a clean break. Because Cal or Luke would have always talked about you and how you’re doing, and I couldn’t bring myself to stop caring.” You sigh, “it would have been too much.” You admit.

It’s the first time in a long time Ash saw how truly vulnerable you were.

“I really almost fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me because I was so fucking selfish, all I could think about was me.” He gently touched your face.

You sighed, and kissed his palm, and then turned the lamp off next to the bed and tried to go to sleep.

But you barely did. Ash had no problem.

You were up and out of bed early, packing your stuff to get back on the bus. Ash was up an hour later than you and he looked at you, moving quietly around the room, getting dressed. He slipped out of bed and wrapped his arms around you from behind, kissing your cheek.

“I’m gonna meet Cal for breakfast, do you want me to bring you anything?” You asked.

“Um, am I not invited?” He checked.

“I’m meeting him in about 5 minutes. So unless you can get showered and packed in five minutes… don’t think you’re going to make it.” You shrug.

“You coulda woke me up.” Is all he said, getting in the shower.

But honestly, you didn’t want to, you wanted to talk to Cal alone, you needed to get out of the bad headspace Ash put you in before bed or it was going to be a long day.

You met Cal and his security on the elevator, they ask if Ash is joining because they’d want to get his guys, but you let them know that he wasn’t joining you. You dropped your bags at the bus, and then headed to the cafe around the corner.

“Talked to Mike last night,” Cal started, “said Ash asked him if he thought you and I saw each other while you were separated. And honestly baby, I’m so fucking tired of that question.” He groaned.

“Yeah, tell me about it.” You sighed. “I’m tired of constantly defending myself to him… I feel like he still looks for reasons to do this. He did it all the time when he was using.”

And that sparked a huge fight among the band.

Cal climbed in the bus after breakfast, you were right behind him, Luke let you know they were waiting on Ashton.

“Did you enjoy breakfast with my wife?” Ash asked, passing by you guys, to his bunk.

“What? No. We’re not doing this anymore.” Cal says. He follows Ash and pushes him into the back lounge, kicking Mike out, pushing him back toward where you and Luke are standing. “Fuck you Ash.” You all can hear him, and you’ve honestly never seen Cal this way before. “You’re wife loves you, I fucking love you, you’re my brother and I’d never do anything like that to you and neither would she. And I’m fucking sick of this. We don’t fucking deserve this Ash. Do you realize you put all of us through hell? Every single one of us has had to put up with something stupid, or idiotic with you and you just keep coming back to the same fucking thing with me and your wife and guess the fuck what? We don’t want anything from each other except friendship, the friendship we already are very happily involved in. I’m so fucking tired of this. She’s tired of this. Why the fuck do you think she needs a fucking friend, someone close that knows what’s going on? I’m just… im fucking done.” Cal says, storming out of the back without ever letting Ash say a word.

The friendship remained strained for awhile. Cal and Ash really didn’t speak for at least a few weeks. And then Ashton takes you both out to dinner to talk.

He starts with an apology and Cal just rolls his eyes, he doesn’t want to hear it.

“Cal. Seriously, just hear me out man. I know. I’ve been ridiculous with this. I just… I think I needed to find to a reason to deserve you two. Because I don’t feel like I do right now, and if you guys had been less than amazing then maybe I would…”

“Don’t do that. Don’t blame us. You fucked up Ash. We just did what we could to support you. This is a you problem. Me, and you’re amazing, patient wife, who has given up her life to help you, have done nothing but support you Ash, literally changed our fucking lives, and to pay us back you constantly accuse us of hooking up behind your back and you come here with the audacity to insinuate that we have something to do with it.”

Cal folds his arms over his chest and you let out a sigh. You frown at Ash and push away from the table, you briefly look at Cal, “I want to go home. Like LA home. I don’t wanna do this anymore.”

“Baby?” Ash asked.

“I can’t anymore. I’m exhausted Ash. I’m going home.” You left, walked out and got in a cab.

You were gone and so was your stuff when he got back to the hotel.

You only texted to let him know when you made it back to the states. You made it a point to answer at least 1 phone call a week and 2 texts a day. But you knew things needed to wait, and you needed a break. And Ash respected that. You’d been cooped up together for months on end, and you needed the space.

“Hey.” He drops his bag in the laundry room and comes to the kitchen where you were making dinner when he got home.

“Hi.” You greet.

He came around the counter and pulled you into a hug, “missed you on the end of the tour, I know Calum did too.” He kissed your cheek and then pulled away, and you pull him back in for a kiss. “I was honestly expecting divorce papers.” He explains.

“Well it crossed my mind the first few days. I won’t lie.” You turn back to dinner, “I was really mad when I left and tired and frustrated. Touring is your lifestyle, not mine and I was… just done. But after I got home and spent time around the house I realized that was rash.” You sigh, “but I never want that accusation to cross your lips again. I swear to god Ash, I will divorce you.”

“You know that’s the first time you’ve ever verbalized that threat? I mean, I’ve always known it was a possibility, but you’ve never said it.”

“Do you ever think, like, I could have chosen Cal if I wanted Cal, you know that? I had my opportunities. But it’s you Ash, it’s always been you. But I can’t make you see that. Cal can’t make you see it… I’m at my wits end with this.”

“I hear you, baby, I do.” Ash nods. “I’m… it’s off the table. Cal kinda read me the riot act about it too.”

“Good.” You’re quiet a moment, “you guys good?”

“Yeah, we are.” He nods, “so… are we? I mean I know we aren’t right now, but will we be?” He checks.

“Yes. I think we will be.” You nod. And then you’re quiet for a while. “Made your favorite.”

“I know. You always do.” He smiles.

And that brought you to year three sober. Year 4 was relatively unremarkable. You were proud of Ashton, absolutely, but you could tell he was getting antsy.

Luke and his girlfriend had a one year old, Mike and Crystal went everywhere with two toddlers, and Calum and his girlfriend had just gotten another dog, rounding their herd out to 4.

Luckily, you had a surprise for him tonight, after getting his five year chip.

The speech his sponsor gave the group was nothing short of inspired, and it made you even more proud.

Cal approaches you about half way through the party, “have you said anything?” He asks.

“No, I’m letting him do his thing. I’ll tell him in a bit.” You shrug.

“You look proud.” He smiles softly at you.

“I’m very proud. He’s worked so hard.” You agree.

“He has, he has. But don’t discount yourself here baby. You’ve also worked hard.” Cal reminds you. He wraps his arm around your shoulder and kisses the side of your head.

Ash finally makes his way to you and shows you his chip with a big grin on his face. “I’m so proud of you Ash.” You grin, pulling him into a hug.

“Thanks baby.” He pulls out of the hug and grins at you. “I love you.”

“I love you.” You smile, “and I need to tell you something.” You see worry flash in his eyes and you gently squeeze his hand. “It’s ok baby. I’m pregnant.” You say quietly.

“Wait what?!” He asks, completely shocked. “I’m gonna… we’re… baby?”

“You’re gonna be a dad. I’m 14 weeks.” He holds his hand over his mouth like he might cry, and you just lean up and kiss his cheek. “Tell everyone when you want, this is obviously a very important milestone, but I know you’ve wanted this and it seemed like the right time.”

He nods and turns to face the most people, and very loudly announces, “I’m gonna be a dad!” He turns back to you and pulls you in for another hug.

Taglist: @cocktail-calum @1dthewantedlove @september09241994 @youngblood199456 @lustingforwunder @calumsphile @neso-k @rosecoloredash @radmcqueen @justayoungandwisefangirl @itsnotmyblood @slimthicccal @softboycal @lietoash @pushthetide21​ @5sosfanficrec​

masterlist || ashton || calum || luke || michael

wanna be tagged? go here

[alphacrone]

in which dex & bitty have a fight, bitty & ransom make out, dex comes to realize a few things, & poor nursey is ghosted for a couple hours. also pie.

[Part of the Blue-Eyed Jack ‘Verse. Set loosely between All Decked Out Like a Cowboy’s Dream and Kitty & the Biscuits]

CW: dubious consent (drunk surprise kissing), vague homophobia, coming out, canon typical alcohol abuse (they are taking very small shots i promise)

CON’T TEXT CONVERSATION BETWEEN YOU AND DEREK NURSE

WP: And then Cait said she’d call the cops and those kids ran so fast, it was hilarious.

DN: who’s Cait?

DN: also LOL

WP: Chow’s girlfriend.

DN: wait i thought you guys were all gay

WP: Why would you think that?

DN: ur the Gay Country Band i thought that meant the Whole band

WP: No.

WP: Just Bitty.

WP: I think.

WP: Chowder has a girlfriend.

WP: Ransom’s brought girls home more than once.

WP: Just Bitty.

DN: what about u?

WP: What about me?

DN: u just listed all the reasons ur bandmates aren’t gay

DN: but not urself

DN: y?

WP: I didn’t think I needed to say it.

WP: What does it matter?

DN: idk just curious

WP: Whatever.

Dex huffed and slumped back against the nasty, green couch. He knew Bitty would make a fuss about sitting on it -- the thing had been a point of contention between him and Chowder for months now -- but the only other option were the lumpy arm chairs and Dex hated those things.

“You texting with Derek again?”

Dex started; he hadn't realized Bitty was home. “Yeah. Why d’you ask?”

Bitty cast him a wry look over the back of the couch. “He stresses you out in a way only Chowder ever has.”

“That's not true,” Dex said grumpily. “You stress me out the most.”

“So kind,” Bitty teased. “Keep up that kinda sweet talk and I'll think you're flirting with me.”

Normally Dex would've laughed at the absurdity of the idea, but today it gave him pause. “Do people really think we’re the ‘gay country band?’”

Bitty’s smile fell. “Well, yeah, sort of. Why?”

Dex shrugged, glancing at his phone. “I don't know. Just something Derek said. I thought it was like...you were the ‘gay country singer’ and we were just your band.”

Bitty’s face grew steely and he crossed his arms over his chest. “I'm sorry you have to suffer through the inconvenience of people assuming you're gay, that must just be so difficult-”

“Bitty,” Dex started, but Bitty was already headed out of the room.

“I'm going to the store,” Bitty said gruffly, grabbing his wallet from the key basket. “Be back later.” Dex stood to follow, hand outstretched.

“Bits-” But the front door slammed shut. Dex huffed a frustrated sigh and punched the wall, not quite hard enough to break anything but just enough to hurt.

Why was it that Derek’s texts annoyed him so much? Dex had never minded being lumped in with the rainbow flags and hell-bound accusations before; the Biscuits were a team and a team stuck together, had each other’s backs. Bitty was the only one of them who was gay, but they all stood for his message.

Except...except maybe he wasn't the only one at all.

It had been about a year prior, and they were on the last stretch of a tour, heading from Boise to Seattle through a long stretch of absolutely nothing. Rans had picked up a thing of decent whiskey in a sketchy, Idaho liquor store and they were in the middle of a rousing game of never have I ever. Chowder was winning at this point, with only a few fingers down, but seemed to be mercilessly targeting Bitty.

(“Never ever I have ever...lived in Madison, Georgia.”

“I swear to God, Christopher-”)

Dex was doing alright himself. He'd been impacted by Bitty’s attacks against northerners and hockey fans, but not in the same way Ransom had. Now they were battling each other ruthlessly, determined not to go out first. Bitty had two fingers left; Ransom had one.

There was something dangerously smug in Ransom’s drunken gaze as he rounded on Bitty, smirk growing. “Never ever have I ever...kissed another man.”

Bitty gasped indignantly and took his shot like a champ, very reluctantly lowering a finger. Before the next turn could be taken, however, he lunged across the circle and pulled Ransom’s mouth to his.

It wasn't the most coordinated kissing Dex had ever seen. Ransom was drunk enough that the force of it knocked him over to the side, and he dragged Bitty with him. Bitty paid no mind to the fact that he was now lying on top of his best friend; they both sort of got lost in the movements of their lips, kissing languidly and sloppily for a moment, like they were the only two people on that bus.

Then Bitty pulled back with a triumphant grin and shouted, “Take a shot, Justin.”

“No!” Ransom flopped back onto the ground, covering his face in his hands. “Bits that was a dirty move. I call foul!”

“Don't be a sore loser,” Bitty chirped, filling Ransom’s shot glass halfway. Dex supposed it would've been filled all the way if Bitty hadn't spilled so much onto the floor of the tour bus.

“Bitty, that was great!” Chowder said through his laughter. “Wasn't it, Dex?”

But Dex couldn't answer, all too aware of the uncomfortable tightness of his pants. He willed himself to calm down, to not show just how much he'd been affected by the scene in front of him.

“Oh, I'm sorry,” Bitty was huffing out as Ransom tried to sit on him. “Did I offend your delicate, Canadian sensibilities?”

“I'll show you delicate,” Ransom hissed, using his full body weight to squish Bitty against the floor. Bitty’s cheeks had gone bright red from the liquor and the exertion, and Dex found the sight more intoxicating than the alcohol in his bloodstream. “You're a huge cheater and I'm gonna make sure the whole world knows.” He pulled a marker from his pocket, uncapping it with his teeth.

“No you don't!” Bitty shouted, struggling against Ransom, but Ransom was twice his size and loomed over him. Dex swallowed roughly. “We have an interview tomorrow! Absolutely not! Do not draw on my face- I will call your mother right now.”

Somewhere in there, Dex excused himself to the bathroom, and hoped no one noticed when he took a little extra time and returned glassy-eyed and out of breath.

When Bitty returned from the “store” several hours later, he was met by the sight of a pie. Peaches and cream, to be exact.

It was nothing fancy, not like the salted rose and honey pie Bitty had made the day before, the crust shaped into beautiful braids and flower petals, but it was the one kind of pie Bitty could never bring himself to make, despite the fact that it was his favorite. Dex had a hunch as to why this was, but had never gotten a direct answer about it. And that didn’t matter right now.

“I didn’t…” He started as Bitty cautiously stepped into the kitchen, eyes wide as he studied the pie on the table. “I wasn’t trying to imply I was- it’s not-”

“Dex, it’s fine,” Bitty said sullenly. “You’re not the first straight guy I’ve known who’s-”

“I’m gay,” Dex blurted out, wringing his hands together. “Um. Yeah.”

Bitty’s eyes, if possible, grew wider. “Oh! Oh, Dex, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t’ve- I should’ve-”

“You didn’t know,” Dex said with a small shrug. “And honestly...I haven’t been sure about it myself. Until now.”

“Oh, hun.” Bitty surged forward and pulled Dex into a tight hug. Dex let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding and rested his chin on top of Bitty’s head. “C’mon, let’s eat this pie you made and you can talk about it. Or not!” He added, pulling back with a worried expression. “You don’t have to, unless you want to, but if you want to I’m always here, please know that-”

“Bits.” Dex grabbed both of his shoulders, smiling down at him. “There’s no one else I’d want to talk to about it more.”

“Because I’m the only gay guy you know?” Bitty chirped, moving to cut two slices of pie. Dex rolled his eyes.

“I do have other friends, you know,” he said, pulling out two plates and two forks.

“Sure,” Bitty said lightly. “And I’m an NBA player.” He handed a plate to Dex with a teasing grin.

“Ass,” Dex said, but kissed Bitty’s cheek lightly in thanks. Bitty rolled his eyes but Dex felt a million pounds lighter, just from the sheer freedom of being able to do something like that without consequence, at least in the safety of their kitchen. Bitty took his own slice and shepherded Dex into the living room, chatting a mile a minute about how good the pie smelled and how impressed he was Dex had made it all on his own.

When Chowder returned from Cait’s that evening, he walked into the living room to see Bitty and Dex asleep on the couch -- on top of a beach towel, obviously -- Bitty’s legs perched in Dex’s lap and an empty pie tin sitting on the coffee table.

In Dex’s hand, about to fall to the floor, was his phone, still open to some text thread. Carefully, Chowder took the phone and set it on the table, noticing that the thread was with Derek Nurse, unsurprisingly. They’d all befriended the Falcs the evening Bitty and Jack got together; Chowder himself was frequently in contact with Snowy and Tater, and on occasion Nurse himself. He didn’t look at the thread, but if he had, it might’ve made him smile.

CON’T TEXT CONVERSATION BETWEEN YOU AND DEREK NURSE

WP: Sorry for ghosting. Had a fight with Bitty.

DN: dude u ok?

WP: Yeah, it’s all sorted out.  

WP: Also sorry for being a dick earlier. You didn’t deserve that reaction.

DN: nah im sorry for prying

WP: It’s just...not something I’m ready to talk about with most people just yet.

DN: will you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to

DN: we’re not bffs i understand

WP: No, I trust you.

WP: But it’s hard.

WP: Bitty’s a good first step I think.

WP: Then...friends.

DN: like me?

WP: Yeah. Like you.

DN: that’s

DN: that means a lot

DN: thank you

WP: Don’t let it go to your head.

DN: wouldn’t dream of it. ;)

WP: Ugh I already regret telling you this.

DN: no take backs. Ur stuck with me :D

WP: There are worse things I guess.

DN: chlamydia?

WP: Goodnight, Derek.

DN: night, will. don’t let the bedbugs bite

DN: unless ur into that ;) ;) ;)

WP: Go away

DN: :*

DN: wow did u really text jack to tell me to shut up?

DN: rude

DN: goodNIGHT will, hope bitty feeds u poisoned pie

WP: :*

DN: emoticon. can’t tell if im proud or mad

DN: u better sleep w one eye open

WP: Go to sleep. I’ll still be here to annoy in the morning.

DN: good :)

[survivormagictreehouse]

Episode #5 “I have nothing else to lose at this point” -Jay

-Did I even make a confessional last round??? AHH. Okay so I’m excited with our swap and I think we have a strong tribe but I’m REALLY sad (and not surprised) about Austin leaving. I think that I am on a very strong tribe and I can’t wait to see what happens with it going forward!  Like I can’t bad talk anyone, I like them all. 

-Can we talk about how proud I am of myself for remembering enough information to tell Cindi while she was answering questions? LOL, I had never been so nervous in my entire life so I'm really good that we pulled out a win!  Ali and Collin did such a good job retaining and relaying information.  It is nice to have another day off and I'm really curious to see what Ali decides to do and what the next challenge will be... I don't want this tribe to be broken up yet.   If I do end up swapping I really want to end up on a tribe with Chips.  We played in a game recently AGAINST one another and I'm dying to work with him, like actually work with him so oddly enough, I'm really hoping that he isn't going anywhere! I feel like they will probably go after Timmy or Jay. Right now the person on my tribe I feel like I can talk with the easiest about the game is Ali, he is probably my number one and I feel like I can tell him stuff without it getting passed around the entire tribe.  Do I completely trust him?? NO.  But I do trust him the most haha.  

-I SURVIVED AHHHHHH I GET TO STAY!!!!!!!!! Fuck that was so close and I feel so bad for throwing Austin under the bus but hey, I needed to stay in this game and keep my relationships strong. Plus, voting for Timmy would have looked really shitty to him, after the whole alliance thing. Anyways....Birch is here now! I love them sm and I really look forward to getting to work with them again. As far as I can tell, my best bet of staying is a group of me, Timmy, Zach, Birch and probably Chips. Chips and Zach were so helpful to me this whole day, reassuring me and giving me the information I needed to stay safe. I also called with Timmy just now and we're gonna be sticking together since it's our best option. Its really been a big turn from feeling comfortable in the tribe to fighting to stay, but I'm gonna stay fighting and hopefully make it out of this swap alive.

-I'm trying so fucking hard to stay in this game but right now it feels like a lost cause. Zach sold me out so badly last night and it feels like it's been impossible to recover. I'm trying to get me, Timmy, chips, and birch to all vote Zach but it's feeling less and less like it's actually happening and more like they're just saying it to keep me comfortable. No one is really responding to me anymore and it just feels like this is the end. The only little bit of hope I have is apparently Timmy has heard it's gonna be Birch instead? Seems like a long shot, I don't really want to see them leave, and I'm not gonna push for it. Birch is an indespencible ally and I will go to rocks for them if i have to. I have nothing else to lose at this point.

https://youtu.be/cYEa3LQE6N4

-Going into tonight's tribal, I think I'll be safe and have the votes of Timmy, Jess, Gavin, and Keegan. However, I feel like either Gavin and Keegan could flip (though unlikely) OR an idol could be used on Jay. I guess we shall see though. See y'all on the other side :)

-okay so the og annie tribe lost their marbles and got a 4-3-1? which well. in other news, i died in my other game and mr BODHI on this tribe got me out... very interesting. i was originally gonna punish him and get him out. and i still might. im unsure. he would deserve it tho he is so wishywashy that its infuriating. rn dream alliance is cindi/vi/ruthie/rachael (aka feminism + ali). bodhi was the best to vote for me on a game level and him needless treating me like crap makes that much easier.

-okay hello... so in a crazy plot twist... we won the storytime? i was really proud of my own contribution to the challenge, i passed on a LOTTA info to collin and he did so so good passing it, ruthie SNAPPED when she was so nervous and cindi brought it home. my game has been pretty smooth sailing, two easy votes and now im chilling on the most wholesome tribe ever. should i probably be throwing these challenges to save jay/timmy/austin... maybe... but am i going to... no. im not risking my game life when i see my entire current tribe as long term allies. ideal scenario is that group implodes and sets us up to pick up the pieces at merge... maybe? but also i think we are swapping again before merge, so just adding another challenge with the shakespeare challenge delays me getting jumped by the conglomerate of generic men, birch and jess. my closest ally right now is definitely ruthie, i LOVE ME SOME RUTHIE. vi, cindi, collin, timmy and rachael i also trust to some extent. bodhi i literally would get an indescribable seretonin rush from voting out... i would LOVE the opportunity to jump him in this game. am over that man. but im vibing having fun! still have an idol! and living my BEST life ha. im sorry my confessionals have been underwhelming but my game experience has been pretty smooth sailing so far ha.

-Spill the tea! *It's 1:11AM and I still miss Gavin.

-It's 8:59 PM and I still miss Gavin. prayer circle for Gavin <3

https://youtu.be/JSmJThHF-tU

So I did something. I am not allied with 5/7 people on my tribe. I have the "3 Canadians, oh and the 2 American Hosts" Alliance of me, Jess and Keegan. I am not quite as Loyal to that alliance as I am my new one. But I still don't want to vote them out. If I HAD to I would but i want to keep them. I really like both of them. I just made the "The Jolly Crew" Alliance which is Me, Jay, Timmy Z and Zach. I love this alliance. I vibe really well with Timmy and Jay. I am a little more iffy on Zach but he is really cool! I stan everyone! I guess out of the 2 people left I would prefer to vote out chips? He tends to be kinda inactive and I talk to him the least. IDK I'll go with the numbers, and my alliance.  

Another round, another immunity win. I’m just living life and am happy with how this game is going. Don’t really have to do much but making sure it won’t be me if we eventually do go to tribal.

We lost the challenge despite my best efforts. I think we’re voting Jay

I wish i had something of substance to say but this tribe refuses to go to tribal :/ i've found spots where TWO idols were in the past i think??? lions -> straight ahead -> ask for a tour, and vikings -> small boat -> get on the small boat

Soooooo... we lost the challenge again an' I got kidnapped by the gentlemen o' fortune. love that there fer me! then, to me surprise, right off o' the bat, jay threw me name out. so 'e be essentially dead to me now an' I expect 'im to be leavin' tonight. his blood ‘ill be on me hook after tonight. luckily fer me, I went around an' started spreadin' that there I 'ad 'eard 'e been sayin' me name—and 'e 'ad apparently only said it to zach. so now, the votes be between zach an' jay... an' I could not be 'appier as me name be off o' the table as farrr as I know. so bless to the sky to that there. I be expectin' jay to set sail tonight, but who knows. there been a lot o' talk o' 'im or birch 'avin' an idol or some kind o' advantage (which I believe birch may 'ave something), but I don’t think I be playin' me idol unless I catch wind o' somethin' strange 'appenin'... but me fingers be crossed an' I be goin' to 'ope fer the best.

2nd win and Ali is chucked to the tree house. Gotta do a music video

So the Annie curse strikes again............ wooo. This vote is a bit of a mess but honestly this all works out for me. Jay going ensures that I have Chips/Birch's loyalties moving forward and honestly the more OG Annie people that go the better. I hate the whole tribe lines situation but honestly I'm kind of stuck in it and I think I'm stuck in it for the long haul or at least for now. Zach going ensures I can climb the social rankings of the OG JACK tribe but it also might make me land on the bottom and it would be such a gamble. Do I trust Zach? no. Do I think everything Birch/Jay are saying about Zach is completely true..mhm BUT I need him just for a bit longer at this point. Also if Jay didn't say Gavin's name I probably would risk it and vote out Zach but at this point I can't not vote out someone who is saying my number 1's name... I want another swap because I'm bored of talking to the same people and I need to form some new bonds before merge. 

With me getting one vote last time, I really wanted to secure my spot within my team and was able to talk with Zach and Jess into making an alliance chat with us and Keegan/Gavin. Hopefully jay goes tonight but I’m not to sure. In the challenge bitch was terrible. We are a bit nervous they got an advantage or idol on exile which is why we are telling everyone the vote is birch tonight. Guess we will see how tonight goes

I'm doing lots of house stuff today but I hear there's a mess to be had with Jay versus Zach. I want to vote Zach because he has been acting head honcho but also... dont care too much. Im going to try to force a tie then get blindsided out of the game. Hype energy!

.

.

.

The Round 5 Cast Assessment will be combined with Round 6 (on the next episode)

[cryingovernarry]

i realized i never actually never share anything about me on this website, like, i never really write about stuff thats happened/is happening in my life or about stuff i like and whatever. and like. im the type who’s great at oversharing (shitposting) lmao but apparently never on tumblr i guess?? its not important but yeah i just realized it. ive had this account since april 2012 i think? never made any friends on here tbh i just exist in the background quietly liking or reblogging stuff, and never do anymore than that. and no one will actually care or read this so MIGHT AS WELL am i right ladies and gents and non-binary friends. so heres some good and shitty stuff thats happened in my life

2017 was a good concert year for me i think (please bear with me ive got bad memory) (thx depression) i finally saw ed sheeran (one of the best concerts ive been to even if the people next to us kept talking throughout the whole concert) then i saw shawn mendes (hes baby) i went and saw little mix all by myself (snatched that barricade too!!) it was incredible and i miss them. i was lucky enough to see niall and harry too on their tours and ill never get over that. oh, and niall retweeted one of my tweets so thats something. (im trying to play it cool bc its been over two years it Should Not make me Feel Like This anymore right) i also went to germany in 2016 on december 31st to celebrate new years with my friend who i met through the internet (thanks internet) and i stayed there for a week (shouldve known itd go all downhill after that)

so, while concert-life was on top, my personal life was at bottom and it would only get worse in 2018. 

early 2017 my mom started to feel...sick. her body was hurting all the time. she was in so much pain without knowing why. apparently she had some kind of rare blood disease. it all went so...fast. suddenly she was in and out of hospitals, she got worse, the pain even more worse. some days she could barely walk and all she could do was cry. it’s horrible seeing your own mom like that. knowing there was nothing you could do. i did my best though, i moved back home to help her with my siblings becuase their father is a piece of shit who never helped my mom even if she was sick. she was at her lowest and he didnt care and he only made her worse. but i took on the responsibility of taking care of my younger siblings, and mom. as much as i could. while my older sister came home almost every weekend so she could help too. our grandma did her best too. we all tried so much to help mom. 

in september my mom called from the hospital. she told me her disease has turned into leukemia. this was the first time i cried with my mom. 

she did all kinds of chemo, got isolated at the hospital. wasn’t allowed to go out or sometimes even see her own kids. my sister and i took turns staying with her at the hospital though. i think the longest i stayed with her at the hospital was two weeks straight. 

when the results of her last chemo came back the doctor said the cancer hadnt gone down as much as they had hoped. they said my mom could do one last chemo but that was it, if the cancer wasnt gone after that there would be nothing more they could do to help my mom. because her body wouldnt be able to handle anymore. my mom was a fucking fighter, she had no hesitation about it. 

she was allowed to come home for christmas and the new years. no one knew it would be our last one with her. 

it turned into 2018 and she handled her last chemo pretty well. didnt affect her as much as the others had. she was allowed to come home for the weekend in february. she was so happy to see her kids again. she felt good. but she wasn’t. she really wasn’t. i think that weekend was the worst in my life. 

on march 20th, 2018. after a month of being in a coma, she passed away in her sleep. my wonderful mom, who fought to get better for her kids, who had been suffering for a year, finally got to rest. she wasn’t in pain anymore. 

seeing your mom taking her last breath really fucks you up in some type of way. 

she left six kids behind her. 

my mom always supported me going to concerts. she’s a big music fan herself and she knew how much going to concerts meant to me. always got excited when i told her about them, always listened to me. always listened when i played her new songs or albums. two days before her passing i saw harry styles in concert, tickets bought months before. i wasn’t sure i was even going, but i knew mom would’ve wanted to so i did. i wasn’t at my best during that concert, sat down for most of it but i cannot explain how much seeing harry meant to me. he really helped me feeling better for some hours, made me laugh and smile. i’ll always be grateful for that.  a month after my moms passing i had tickets for another concert, that was for niall horan. i really didn’t think i would be able to handle it, but i did it for mom. knew she would’ve wanted me to go. my friend was a great distraction, and we also met some lovely people in the line and i was so grateful. i will always be thankful for niall, even if he made me cry during flicker. he really helped me too, without knowing. saw 5sos too after three years at the end of the year, with my childhood best friend who i hadn’t seen in over a year. concerts really is the best medicine. at least for me.

i felt so lost without my mom, i still feel that way. some days i have a hard time believing she’s actually gone. your mom isn’t supposed to die when your’re twenty one. she’s supposed to be there next to you while you’re trying to figure out your life. 

i’m gonna be honest with you, i don’t really remember most of 2018. and i don’t think i actually want to remember either. 

2019 has been slightly better so far. saw disney on ice (incredible). in april we finally went to london. something my mom had always wanted too, so i took the necklace i got her years ago and brought it with me to london so at least a piece of her would be there too with us. 

on the first day my older sister and i saw shawn (hes still baby). we also went to madame tussauds (finally met one direction yall), went on london eye, walked to the buckingham palace. took a bus to warner bros studio tour of harry potter. that was fucking incredible. drank disgusting butterbeer. london felt like a dream. 

-

i still don’t know what to do with my life, i don’t really have any dreams. im currently living with my grandma and she really doesnt want me to move out lmao. and i feel bad for leaving her

-

so that’s it i guess. hi everyone who hopefully didn’t read any of this. my names amanda and my lifes a mess and all tangled up but that’s okay. thats what everyone says. gotta focus on the good things happening in your life. and don’t take your family and friends for granted. please. 

also heres my face ft. my harrys tour tshirt. be nice please. okay bye.

[gsmatthews95]

"Is it wrap o'clock yet?"

Helloooo I am back and breaking my 4 day silence. Im on the bus down to noosa at the moment and I thought this is a good time to catch up with y'all on my comings and goings of the last few days. Also side note, I think I actually got frostbite last night. In a bed. In a hostel. Urgh. I was even wearing my sleeping bag onsie, it was bloody freezing. I just feel sorry for those poor unprepared souls who dont have a sleeping bag onesie. Ha I bet you thought oz would be warm didnt you? But no. Its pretty much arctic here at the moment. Lol. So where have I been these last few days? Oo good question Karen. I have been ticking oz travelling boxes by visiting Fraser island. Yaaaaay. Fraser island is a classic oz east coast stop, somewhere everyone goes for normally three days (dats what I did) on an organised tour, ew organised tour. But no. It was awesome one of the best tours I've done after the San vlas islands and the Lombok to Flores boat trip off the top of my head. Mainly because it was so chilled and fun, the guide was easy, the schedule was loose and we were driving oursrlves. So I think Fraser is the largest sand island in the world and has silica sand similar to Whitehaven beach, soft and white ooooo. Ergo George exfoliated and brushed his teeth again, yessss. But I jump the gun. So what happened was that we were in a group of 24 and one guide. We had three 4x4s with the guide driving the first and us driving the other two beasts. Yes I achieved my ambition of driving these bad boys. The island is famous because there are no roads. The highway is a 70 mile stretch of beach. Yes lots of beach and off road driving, well cool. #CarTwo4Lyf Ok the first day was an early kick off as we cruised to the island and over the ferry from rainbow beach. Then was our first experience of sand driving. Niamh (pronounced nieve. Irish, I know. Weird...) Was up as we skidded thru the deep and soft sand. This was actually the hardest driving as it was high tide and the wheels were going everywhere, a baptism of fire you may call it, well done niamh for getting us thru it all. I was up next as we went inland and off roaded. The moment I'd been waiting for. It was mint. We drove over craters, the car tipped over and the people in the back lost feeling in their bums... Not in a weird way... It was really bumpy I swear. The car smashed it though with its outrageous tires and suspension. It was all I imagined. AND MORE. This was when we came to lake Mackenzie. A rain water lake. Clear, clean and refreshing. With white sands. Idyllic. Kim kardashian actually just put up a photo there if you follow her, I reckon she was following us. We chilled there and swam a bit. Also got some nice snaps obvs. An enduring theme of this trip was Frisbee. Weird. I know. But very fun. So in car 2 (my car, the best car) we had 3, thats 3 out of 8 ultimate Frisbee players slash coaches. What are the chances? Consequentially, there was a lot of Frisbee chat and playing. Hugh and niamh are coaches and Ed plays at a national level (I'll leave it up to you to decide who's cooler me and my quidditch or Ed and his Frisbee). So every beach we got to the disk came out too culminating in a match when we got back to rainbow beach. A competitive yet relaxed affair. A very good game. Edged by team hugh, with yours truely playing centre back, a Sergio Ramos esque performance if I say so myself. It was well fun and is making me think I should have played at Leeds. I dont know if my friends would have stuck by me if I played that and quidditch though, it was hard enough to convince them to hang out with me when just played quidditch. Harry Buxton I'm looking at you. Also this is going to be a very long post, sorry. But a lot happened and I'm in the swing of writing now. The next stop on this adventure was lunch at a nice little creek with a board walk over it. Lunch. Let's discuss lunch. It quickly became the most exciting part of each day. It was the same meal each day but was heavenly anyway. Wraps. Lots of wraps with lots of fillings. It was so intrinsic to our days and necessary to our happiness that most conversations returned the wraps. "Is it wrap o'clock yet?", " I wonder if we're gonna get a new filling for the wraps today?", "im bloody excited about the wraps", "do you reckon dingo would taste good in a wrap?". Yep, wraps are life. I had nine in three days. We even had wrap battles, lol. Who had the best looking wrap?, the fullest wrap? Or even whether beatroot had a place in the wrap, were common lunchtime conversations. Basically we love wraps. The excitement culminated on our final day when Victor, part of our Swedish contingent, caught a fish with his bare hands (very alpha male i know) and proclaimed it was the newest filling for someone's wrap, yummy. Now it was off to camp for a little session. But only after we stopped at a ship wreck, which was quite cool. Nothing to write home about tho. Oh wait a second I suppose I'm writing home about it now. Hmm. Awkward. Well maybe is was worth It after all. We returned to camp, threw the disk, shock and drank goon, shock. We had a BBQ dinner and had some fun. A little trip to the beach for some stargazing and off to bed in my three man tent that i shared with my onesie, very cute. Day 2. An early kick off. Too early. I got up, got breaky and went back to sleep. I held up the group a wee bit, the previous nights antics had taken their toll, lesson learnt. Our first stop today was the champagne poolls. Basically some giant rock pools you can swim in with the waves crashing in. Not overly exciting but nice to see and swim in, obvs, nonetheless. I Just chatted to aido, our guide for a bit. Very funny man. A Bush baby. With a very different upbringing/life to me. Apparently he started a bush fire once, but did he do a fire dance around it while listening to dnb? I think not. Therefore I win. We cruised on Towards a big cliff With a wee little walk up it. We trooped up in true military fashion to get some nice views of the beach and sea. It was also a good sea creature viewing spot, we saw dolphins, a shark and lots of whales. Ok so the whales. There was a lot of them. So many so that the excitement of seeing them ebbed away towards the end. They'd all be chilling and swimming north along the beach. Usually quite far out tho. However, some gave us a show as the jumped out of the water and wagged their tales. One joker even did a workout for us as he repeatedly smashed his tale against the water, it was immense. Having never seen a whale I have now seen enough for a lifetime in 2 short weeks. It was all very impressive. More on day 2. I believe our next stop, after the wraps, was a trip to eli creek nicknamed the lazy river. A fresh water river leading to the sea, so clean you could drink it. It was a funny experience as our whole squad trooped Down the knee high river with only six tubes. There were scrambles for tubes as three would share one. I had a relatively regal experience compared to the rest as I sat on top of hugh, like a king. Then I was then shunted on to jabba's tube which we shared in very cute fashion. There was splashing, pushing and banter. It was all pretty jokes. I then went a second time with Rudy. Much more chilled as we floated down in true chiler fashion. We then played more frisbee and headed home for a sunset walk, with a twist.... What was this twist you ask? The twist was that we missed the sunset cause aido sent us off too late. Great. Luckily there was another group on the sand dunes with boogie boards. Ah, phew, we didnt waste our time after all. We were up and down the dunes standing, sitting and lying on the board. Lots of fun. Bloody tiring tho running up that hill so much and I had sand everywhere. I'm still covered now. A good activity tho, no thanks to aido. We headed back, I showered finally and we boozed. With another twist actually as we had neighbours in the next camp site. North camp. They were 26 strong. 23 girls and 3 guys, lol. 2 of the guys had girlfriends... Lol. So some of them came to join us as we had better banter and music, shock. The entertainment for the night was the excitement of a night at the horse racing. It got intense, especially when Winston pipped Adolf at the final hurdle. Adrenaline was flowing. Before I begin on day 3 I just want to give a little ode to the dingo. I was thinking they could get their own piece but I can't really be bothered. This has taken me like 1.5 hours I reckon already. Dingos are cute. Quite ratty but really they're just chillers. They stroll down the beach chat to humans and hang around with alpha males. There are lots of them on Fraser and people seem to be scared of them, im really not sure why tho cause they're super cute and lovely. They'll always have a place in my heart. I love you dingos. Day 3 started in similar fashion to day two. I hadn't learnt my lesson. We packed up camp and left for wobbi lake (I think). This was a stagnant lake (it was smelly and green) at the bottom of some steep sand dunes. This was the scene for the crumbed sausage. Something I will never forget. And as I have videos of it, I will always remember. Myself victor and jabba submerged ourselves in the festering water. We Got out and ran to the top of the dunes 3 times so we could try entering the water in different ways. We began by charging down at full speed. Easy. The second was the time of the crumbed sausage as we rolled down the hill, wet. This meant the sand clung to us. Hence the crumbed sausage. It was weird. Quite fun but quite painful, disorientating and sandy. This is the other reason im still covered in sand. We went for a third entrance into the water. Forward rolls, like a block of cheese rolling down the hill. This was most successful. As I hurtled down the slope at pace with a relatively smooth entrance to the water. Afterwards my head hurt and I couldn't see straight for about two minutes. If you go to Fraser, join the crumbed sausage crew, you won't regret it. Lol. But that was it as we went for lunch and bombed back to rainbow beach ending a smashing three days. We had a bangin group, lots of fun people in all three cars but seriously #CarTwo4lyf. Now I'm gonna go back to learning all the words to mans not hot and the bog in the valley-o. Maybe I should rename this blog the "blog down in the valley-o" although I do quite like "holidaying" I'll think about it. Anyhow I'll write again in maybe 3 days. Dont miss me too much. All my love. G

[old-nosaviors]

excerpts from nick and demi’s gh conversation october 9 - 10 

..are you sure you’re ok though?

no

Talk to me What’s going on? I mean..besides the obvious stuff

i m just so fucking tired i cant think straight i have all my fucking sleeping pills out i wanna take all of them i dont wanna do this anymore im tiredive been cryin gfor fifteen minutes i just want to be donewith everything youre the only thing keeping me here

Nick please talk to me. What’s been going on? I know there’s more..whatever it is though it doesn’t have to end like that...I can help you..let me help you nick please.

that and i dont wanna go to hell

I can’t loose you

and i cant tell you

You’re not going to go to hell

i am if i kill myself my dad says

then just keep talking to me..just..don’t do anything..

i love you and you know that but it doesnt feel like enough right now cause it feels so bad demetria it feels so bad i havent heard from my family in four days none of them i miss my fucking dog im not making a difference and thats okay i think everyone would be better without me anyway

I know it feels bad, but it’s not forever nick....you have to trust me...You do make a difference

then when does it stop because the thing i cant tell you about? im in way too fucking deep my life is over

It’s never too late Nick..even if you hit rock bottom , you can still get up.It’s not going to happen over night. Your life isn’t over...it’s far from over

i cant, i cant you dont understand

Help me understand..please..I can help you nick If you let me

you can't. no one can i want to go home i want to sleep and i want to go home and i want to start over i want to go back and not fuck things up with olivia i know you didnt like her but god i miss her so bad it hurts i want to say no to something i never should have said yes to in the first place i want to see elvis i want joe to stop hating me i wanna see my parents i'm not a guy with a lot of regrets. you know this. but right now there's a huge list and i'm so tired i'm so tired...

It doesn’t matter really what I thought of her , you loved her and of course it’ll hurt..it’s ok to have regrets though...it’s ok to not be ok...There are things you can and can’t change , the past doesn’t have to control you though..there are so many things I wish I could’ve changed , said no too..or what not...I really wish I could take all this pain away It kills me knowing I can’t do more..I just care about you so much. If I seem pushy , or whatever that’s why..

i know im sorry i just cant i dont want you to hate me too if i lose you i have nothing

I’ll never hate you I couldn’t

might be surprised i just wanna take the pills i need to sleep but i dont wanna wake up im fucking exhausted my mom always used to say things would be better in the morning but what if they aren't?

They might not be , I can’t promise they.It might not be better for awhile

then i dont want to be alive for it

But it does get better

im going i lov eyou, demi

Nick please don’t I love you too Please nick Nick?

demi, wait

Nick please don’t do anything I’m crying I can’t loose you I can’t I just can’t

i dont want to die i just want it all to stop how do i make it stop if it helps im crying too ive been crying this whole time i fucking hate this im so fucking tired i think i'm just tired but ive been telling myself im fine and im not fine im not fine this isnt me ive never pulled this shit before

Can you let me help you? I want to help you..you have to give me any details..just..let me help you get better. You don’t have to do this alone.You didn’t let me go through it alone I can’t let you go through it alone

i have to

But you don’t...

i remembered something good though

What is it?

when i was like sixteen or maybe fifteen and we were doing some tour with disney i got like this just so fucking tired i wasnt checking my levels and i couldnt eat right and i felt sick to my stomach all the time and this one night it came to a head - like now and we were packing up and trying to leave the arena. idk if you were still there or not but i locked myself in the green room and i wouldn't come out and i wouldn't let anybody in kevin was the one that found me and he went and got my parents and i wouldnt let them in and then i guess somebody went and got joseph cause he came. and i opened the door for him cause, you know. he's my person. and i was just like, bawling. i couldn't breathe. and we went back to the bus and i got in bed and no one woke me up and afterwards it was kinda like i reset. it took a day or two more before i was back to normal but i think i just, like. got to my breaking point and i needed sleep more than anything i think that's where i'm at right now i'm so tired i think i feel like this cause im tired that probably sounds so stupid but nothing makes sense right now thats the first moment of real clarity ive had in days

~

I love you, Demi You’re the best Thanks for listening to all of that ugh I’m so sorry Two nights in a row I’ve probably given you a heart attack. And made you cry. I’m sorry.

I love you too Nick I care about you so much you’re my world. You don’t need to be sorry Can I ask you something? It’s related but kinda unrelated I was just going to ask if like if I made you feel the way like I am now whenever I was going through my stuff before rehab

What do you mean? Like panic and crying and stuff?

I mean just like how I feel worried , was that how you felt? Because I know I probably shut you out a million times & probably gave you a million heart attacks I still don’t remember much from then I wish I did

I remember going back to a hotel room one night with Joseph and I was crying and crying because I was scared out of my mind. He didn’t say anything, but he sat next to me and just listened to me cry and he knew exactly why I was upset You seemed good for weeks sometimes And then I’d see cuts on you all of a sudden or I’d see you staring at yourself in the mirror weird or those days you wouldn’t get out of bed and when you finally did you were yelling at everyone And I was trying so hard to understand why you were upset with me I thought back, every moment, trying to figure it out And then later finding out it was true that it wasn’t my fault after my parents had been telling me over and over... that was the biggest relief Because I didn’t understand. I could never wrap my head around it But through all of it the thing that upset me most was knowing that you were going through hell and I was completely powerless Even Joseph couldn’t make you laugh You wouldn’t eat. You wouldn’t sleep I...I don’t know It was intense. And we never knew in the morning which Demetria was gonna be onstage that night We loved you through it all but we were scared I think for me that I was so scared that I loved you harder, you know? I thought if I was nice enough or brave enough or funny enough you could get better And then I started to see that it wasn’t working So then it became WHEN is she going to pass out cause she’s not eating? WHEN is she going to get caught snorting coke? WHEN is she going to cut too deep? It wasn’t whether you were or not anymore, it was when. That’s why I was crying in the hotel. Cause I knew you were going to kill yourself. I just didn’t know when. I had this dream once that you were dead You slashed your wrists in a hotel room and I found you and I woke up crying So yes. Yes, living through that was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. But it just made me love you more

I honestly was so sick back then..it’s like I wasn’t even in control , it’s so..weird how it’s such a blur to me. I know I was pretty terrible at most points. I don’t think want to remember any of that..I do remember though you always being there for me even when I probably didn’t deserve it at some points. That part of my life almost feels like a dream ironically..i..mean even though I have had relapses..I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that bad again. I wouldn’t want too.It feels like a dream to me too.

If you were even starting to get like that, I would step in. Please know that. I’ll never forget those warning signs.

I remember being so emotional the first time we reunited in 2012 when I walked invited you to my set because it was the first time we saw each other before I left the tour to go to rehab. Seeing you in person again and just..knowing I’d have you in my life again pushed me to keep fighting I do appreciate that

Oh I’ll never, ever forget that