#im on my period and my head hurts and im just tryna do my job!!! but theres people!!!!!
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No I'm fine it's cool I'm just
#jane journals#vent#negative#ugghhhh today fucking SUCKS#WORK ALWAYS SUCKS#im on my period and my head hurts and im just tryna do my job!!! but theres people!!!!!#I HATE THEM#i know its my job to serve them and whatnot but when im the closer its ALSO my job to get the store tidy#HOW CAN I DO THAT IF THEY DONT FUCK OFF!!!!!#i know its not their fault theyre just coming in for coffee. for a service this business provides#ugh i think if anything its 1 the hormones from my period#and 2 my autism making me irrationally angry about my routine being disrupted#that being the routine i use to methodically get this place clean the quickest by the tasks i broke it up into#yea maybe its a bit of the tism ajfjgkgkg
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Omg im so mf funny. So my gfs phone lit up last night when i was getting up to go potty after us just having like the best sex I've ever had and her already having passed out afterwards.. and this phone that lit up said.. "hey baby... blah blah blah"
So NATURALLY ima pick up the phone and see who is saying this right.. well when i picked the phone up the message saying this wasn't on the notifications anymore. π so me starting to rly feel some type of way proceeds forward in the snoopy sesh thru baes phone tryna uncover this person 'hey baby'ing' my girl.
All out on camera and all. Plus i was still naked ππ i did not gaf how crazy i looked.
Oh uh uh.
So during my little investigation adventures i realized that MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOT THE PERFECT LITTLE ANGEL I THOUGHT SHE WAS.
I just had this image of her in my head of being God-Like and blemish free. Especially when it comes to personal matters i guess. But what did i learn. NOBODY IS TRULY PERFECT AFTER ALL. Bc while shes here rn bothered by me telling her a lie #1 (me saying that i was in love with her b4 i actually was), by me telling other ppl the same lovey stuff i was telling her while i was locked up #2.... she also was being all extra friendly wit other ppl and in a whole 'relationship' or w/e wit someone else, telling grls she wanna see them and good morning texts and inviting them over to netflix and blah blah whatever.. WHILE I WAS IN FL WITH HER.
And ya wanna know what else ive realized?
I dont care that she's imperfect, i love her anyways and i just am going to trust that we not be like that to each other anymore. I'm not saying what she did is worse than what i did either.. just had to put that out there.
Anyways so now not only did she wake up without me, she came looking for her phone.
She's acting all weird and being distant and quiet.
I feel wrong 4 just tryna act like nothing happened and i didnt just do what i did and see what i seen.. lmao this is so typical. I couldn't even help it, my inner most crazy got the best of me when i seen that hey baby whatever it said. I had to know what the fuck. Im not even mad tho, not yet anyways... i mean ill be mad if she dont stop tryna act like she didnt do the same thing shes upset that i did.
Lol. But rly tho, its not cool but i mean its cool. I fucked up, she fucked up. I have genuine, real feelings for her unlike before.. and ive fallen in love with her, experiencing a type of love I've never felt before. I'm not trying to sabotage our bond we have together what so ever, over nothing. I feel like our feelings for each other are mutual so i can trust that the funny business wont be a thing from here on out. Leaving me not to worry but to be excited abt having her and the Universe working its magic like it did..
I'm not the same person i was 2 years ago by any means. Im like complete polar opposite of where i was then actually. And for the first time i actually WANT to have a future with another human being period.
I rly hope we can not lose all of our trust over the things we did before we rly had a chance at being together and fully experiencing one another. I also hope this isn't gonna be an on going issue or source of sorrow either.
Ugh.. ok im done 4 now...
GOOD JOB LIL BABY 4 SLIPPING AND RLY LETTING YOUR CRAZY SHOW.
0 to 100 real fucking quick. I do have to say im glad i got to the source of recent consistent concerns abt my actions during the time of these events taking place. Maybe now we can call it truce and grow into better ppl tog..
One last thing.. 2 my Lover Baby, pls know that i do apologize for invading your privacy even tho i know you was looking 4 love else in somebody else too. I'm rly not tripping tho. I don't feel any diff abt you at all.. im just lowkey gonna be hurt if the situation abt tonight happening is handled the wrong way.. like i don't just wanna pretend like nothing happened. I want to talk abt everything.. even if it hurts, i still feel like its better 2 talk abt it. Even if we dont have much to say on something. I love you tho baby, I'm not going anywhere and i still trust you.. im not even tripping like that. I know how im coming at you also so i KNOW we good. You'll see that too once you see that ima consistently act right as well. Your still my sweet baby pookie pie π»ππ and we were still made exactly for each other bc flaws and all, i want every single part of you bby. Im sorry for doing too much and letting my crazy get the best of me πππ not gonna lie I'm a lil embarrassed over it lol
#crazygirlfriendsbelike #owningmyshit #shestillperfecttho #plsdontbemadbby β€β€β€β€β€β€ #girlblogging #journalingintocyberspace #babygirlbratlife
#nowlemmecrawlunderarockanddie π«π₯Έ
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STORY TIME! #2: I Got Cheated On And Embarassed In Front Of My Whole Schoolππ’π (*Funny!/ Fucked Up!)
So for this story time I'm gonna tell you about how I got cheated on . It's funny but fucked up at the same time so if you like reading then this is the post for you! So back, relax and read how I got PLAYED π.
So the first day of HS starts up and ya know things are different. Ya boy is a Sophmore and after a very weird freshman year of HS I started to find my way. I had more friends , I hit a growth spurt after being 4"11 and under my whole childhood life, I had a summer job so when I came back I was drippin in that Armani Exchange (Remember that store!? Damn) So when I came back my dress game went from like a 3 to a 12 and I don't care if that don't make sense it's my story lmao.
(Ok So where was I....OH Ok sophomore year)
So the day goes by and it's time for Gym. Now everyone knows that the first day of gym ain't really gym it's just niggas sitting on the bleachers and for 30 minutes and MAYBE they bring the basketballs out for the last 15. So I goto the bleachers and I see my mans at the top and I'm like "Yeoooo !!" And he went "Ayo boul!!" And that's how we signalled each other at the time lmao. So we sitting waiting for class to start and a bunch of kids walk in (I'm not paying them no mind) and as they got closer to the top all I hear is my name following "YOOO CUZ IT'S BEEN A GRIP!" I look over and it's my bro from my track team . At this point I'm like hype I got my homie in by gym class followed by my other homie...nigga gym was so tough. So as I dap him up these 2 girls walk behind him. One was kinda cute, Brown skin ass was glorious. The other was a lightskin girl, kinda tall was BAD (at the time) omg and I had my best shirt on nd shit I was fly but I'm not really worried cause all my niggas are in gym with me and when has that....ever happened when ALL your niggas had the same class besides lunch. So we sitting and my bro from track called me over and we started catching up. Out of nowhere the lightskin girl grabs my shoulder and asked what my name was (mind you was staring deep into my eyes like nigga my soul, I was beside myself) I told her my name and I went throughout my day.
So like a cool 2 weeks passed and ppl telling me "yoooo Brittney likes you" (Ima call her Brittney cause it's my story lol) mind you at this point it's been established by the brotherhood rank system aka period 8 lunch who were the baddest in school and everyone was tryna talk to them. They were arguably the 5 baddest in the school and niggas were on their heads. Now my one friend bagged one if them on the spot and the other one was already cuffed, but for them to tell me the most sought out one wanted me!? NI-GGA! I was feeling my self I started wearing shit I didn't usually wear to school (side note: I wore this Armani T shirt with the Black true religion jeans and some polo boots with this Hugo Boss jacket I was fly) Anyway weeks go by and I'm in music class talking to to homies and I tell them like yo....im bout to talk to Brittney....the problem was....
Brittney was the ex of my bro from track! So I'm like damn you my homie I'm not gonna do that to you etc I'm like I'm going to chalk It up, he goes "nah bro you good go head we friends but we broke up years ago" (THIS LOW-KEY WAS A WARNING But my dumb ass wanted a girlfriend so I'm like bet where she at?) Ok ok remember how HUGE MySpace use to be? Remember this.: So fast forward I ask for her number and she didn't have one cause idk but she had a house phone plus she added me on MySpace. So on MySpace that's were I started spitting THAT GAME and long story short I changed my relationship status from single to taken and THAT. SHIDD. FELT. GUUD! That shit felt like every nigga in that school had a shot and I came through like M'Baku like "Essssss challuuunge deeeeey" . You couldn't tell me shit , plus we had the same spanish class so we were out her being a couple nd shit and for the moment it was all going great.....until....
On one Friday it was a big ass party and instead of going I went to my Cousins house cause tbh fuck them parties they last like 1 hour always. So the weekend ended and Monday rolls by mind you I was getting calls from random ass numbers and I dont answer those like that so when Monday came around we had a fire drill and as SOON as everyone was outside and saw me they ran to me. I had atleast 8 people Coming up to to me saying "Dog bro you my mans get your girl she was at the party all up on some other nigga". me being naive as fuck is like " brittney? My baby? oh nooooo I don't believe yall shut up" but in the back of my mind I'm like ....wait....coikd she? Naah...so I go ask her and she immediately denies so I'm like ok cool. This was around the same time "rumors" started spread around the school that she was out here for the whole team was thottin and when I brought that up she goes "ww...well...that's not true who are you gonna believe your so called friends or someone who loves you?" AGAIN Me being a dickhead I'm like " Yeaaah baby Bonnie and Clyde, Hov and Bey, Angelina and Brad , we all we got! "(I'm laughing writing this cause I was like this..) Now along the way it was signs that were happening that I thought were weird. She would Always have "family" over or her "cousins" just came over out the blue and she had to get off the phone... πππ( I know man I know laugh! GO AHEAD! Its been almost 10 years fuck yall for laughing ππ€£) Nd I'm like for an only child you sure have alot of family coming through. So the noise of it all started to get to me and I was over here questioning the relationship. I had a homie tell me to me face "Bro I do not want to see you get hurt and if you keep talking to her we NOT cool" so that night I'm like it's too many signs and tbh I don't wanna be with you anymore (even thoe I did....i did like fuck and I was acting like a bitch) so we broke it off and that's it.........WRONG!
Remember when I told y'all I was in love like a dickhead....well not even 3 days later we got back together cause she "missed me like crazy" and I'm like "baby I miss you too ajdgssnsjdndkd!π" so we back together and like for them 5 days we were cool....the 6th day....nigga so I stayed after school with her and she was talking to me about Spanish tutoring and how this other nigga in my class was taking tutoring and that we should go....problem was the Spanish teacher got sick and cancelled so we stayed until the 4:00 bus...for her since she lived close it was the 2:45 shuttle so we kissed and she left. Fast forward to the after school bus my step sister stayed after with me and as we were riding back home she scream my name and says "Hey do you still go out with Brittney!?" Me confidently I'm like yeah whassup? She goes "Well hold on they talking bout she goes out with the one boul aka the NIGGA THAT WAS GETTING THE TUTORING IN SPANISH! I felt like a dickheaaaad on the bus. So many emotions, I felt like my lil bitch ass heart was ripped out, so I went home and called her she said message her in MySpace for right now. Thus is where I bring MySpace back.....how about I look on her shit and She put Boul in her TOP 5 behind me!!!!!!!! I was livid so.....
I messaged her like " Yo, are you and Bro talking what's going on...?" She hits me with a........
"Well I thought we were just friends talking " I was so angry I was like (From what I remember I wish I knew my account info but to sum it up I said ) "BITCH how dare you do that to me I loved you and you disrespected me you punk was blah blah blah " I wrote shawty a whole book angry and after I shut my laptop off.......and cried.
Smh lmao so my step sister growing up never like to see my super upset so idk HOW but she found her house number and I could hear downstairs her arguing with her nd etc. I didn't care I was upset I went on my MySpace and changes ALL my profile songs to breakup shit. Damn near a Chris Brown playlist I was HURT! I was writing cryptic ass messages talking about ima be lonley forever and yeah it was BAD! but eventuall I got over it....and the following Monday she ran straight over to me at was like "oh I'm sorry I really am and I'll get rid of all my contact and etc etc. We gotta spread some rulesnif we wanna make this work" I wasn't tryna hear dat shit. So in the end I said fuck it and we wentniur separate ways. I don't have any hate towards shawty but it was fucked up how I happened. Looking back, everytime I tell this story it gets funnier cause I was sprung. But yeah that's how I got Cheated on.....Never again thoeπππ
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I can't sleep and I just found the need to rant
Alrighty so, I'm pretty sure I suffer from anxiety for a very long time. I mean, years. Have I tried to tell my parents? Oh yeah, multiple times. My dad's always like "Back in my day we didn't have depression and anxiety" or "It's like the school system is telling you to be depressed". Honestly, he isn't too wrong about the latter, but sometimes depression starts at home. I even told him that and he gave me this look, like, "Are you tryna blame me?" And honestly, I kinda can. I mean, whenever I told my dad and mom back in sixth grade that I had attempted suicide over 5 times in multiple ways, they shrugged it off and were like "It's a phase". Literally, I wanted to kill myself and came closer because I wanted to get a point across. Then I got my prescription for glasses, and hoooo boy, that was one hell of a ride. Now, I knew that I needed glasses for a very VERY long time. Like, my school would send letters asking my parents to let me see an optometrist of some sort. But I finally got my prescription for glasses and. My. Parents. Flipped.
Literally lost all their shit, like. They say that if I wear glasses I "don't look normal" and that "my kids are gonna have to wear glasses and they're gonna hate me for tbe rest of my life". And honestly? That fucking broke me into a million pieces, because basically my parents were calling me a freak for something I didn't have control over.
Then I try to come out to my mom ad bisexual (I used to be bi) and she was like "Oh you're just confused" and "It's a phase, it'll pass" So yeah, I just love getting my feelings rejected by my own mother. Woop woop.
Seventh grade, I got sexually harrassed by a childhood friend. When I told my mom, she was like "oh im sorry" And hugged me and was kinda awkward about it. So then she told me dad and older brother and they told me to tell the principal. I just, i just needed someone to hug me and tell me everything was gonna be okay. I needed someone else to do the talking because i didnt feel brave enough to tell me principal. So, they send me to school like any normal day as if nothing happened. Externally i looked dead and numb, while internally i was screaming in pain, betrayal, and just. Many more more bad emotions. I told my vice principal (who was my gym teacher) and she promised to help me. And she did, the boy got in school suspension. I remember the day i told her, i didnt cry. But my voice was dead and my eyes were lifeless. Mostly because i hadnt gotten a wink of sleep that night. My family moved on as if nothing happened meanwhile i was left to deal with all that emotional shit by myself because i didnt know anyone who had been through someone like that. And my parents didnt know what to do either so they were like "eh she can deal with it herself".
Then enter eighth grade. I finally told my ELA teacher (whom I love very much and I am forever thankful to) that i was suffering through depression. I had started cutting in eighth grade, i used scissors. I basically told her everything that happened up above and some other stuff. My hands started shaking and i started crying because i never realized how much that had really hurt me until i said it out loud. I will never forget the look on her face. She looked really sad and shocked. You see, im a pretty decent student. I keep my grades up, am a good athlete, im pretty smart, and i stay outta trouble. And im also known as a quiet kid since i dont speak much except to my friends. So i kinds guess thats why she was shocked. After i finished, she hugged me really tight and said, "Sh, everything's gonna be alright. I'm so glad you told me this" And i cannot express how that made me feel. It made me feel heard, it made me feel loved. And i hugged back and kept crying. She then took me to the counslers and was there with me and helped me talk to her. I haf basketball so we walked down to the girls locker room and she hugged me one last time, "im so glad you told me this Jenny" And i hugged back them went to change. It was empty with other girl's stuff because practice had began like 30 minutes ago. I remember i started crying, but not because i was sad, i was happy. I was, extremely happy. I finally told someone and they listened and they are helping me. I quickly wiped away my tears and got changed and sprinted to the gym for practice.
Time skip, i see a therapist and my parents are finally understanding a bit better. But they mostly still think it's all in my head. My dad had the audacity of telling me, "Hey the therapist isnt cheap so like. Could you try to have less anxiety?" And honestly? That felt like a slap to the face. In my head i was like "bitch what. Did i hear right??? DID HE JUST ASK ME TO HAVE LESS ANXIETY????" and externally i was like, "um, its pretty hard to have less anxiety when ive bern dealing with it for years" And he kinda gave me this glare and turned away. I felt hurt (yet again) and so i didnt say anything else. My teacher was the only one who truly understood me. Somedays, i would skip classes to go to the counslers office because i wasnt emotionally or mentally good. ELA was my last core class of the day, so one day i go back to class. That day i had skipped my first, second, and fourth period (i had gym my third period). Then when i entered class her face seemed to light up. She was walking around, tslking about the lesson of the day. She was writing something down, then when she passed my desk she left a sticky note. I discretely grabbed it and when i looked at what it said i felt like crying. She wrote on it, "I'm so glad you're here today! β€" And drew a heart.
This gets better.
Okay, so its the end of the year and i finally had figured out i was genderfluid. I really really really wanted to tell my ELA teacher because she is basically the only adult i trust enough. So, we went to the library one day to return our books. I was known as a bookworm and i came to the library often during the week so the librarian knew me well enough. My teacher was at the desk typing some stuff in, then i came up to her with my school agenda and pencil in hand. I told her i needed to talk to her. Then i wrote down, "I'm pansexual, demisexual, and genderfluid" She read it and gave me the biggest smile, "that's amazing to hear! You're part of such a great and beautiful community." My teacher has a part time job in the weekend as photographer. She told me she was a photographer for a gay wedding (one of the groom's later came out as trans) and i felt so happy and proud. I couldnt erase my smile off my face and like, ahhhhhhhhhh.
So, moral of this rant, please dont commit suicide. Dont think that life doesnt get better, because it does. I went from suicidal everyday to being constantly and truly happy. I am forever thankful to my teacher, Mrs. Davenport, for showing me that i dont have to go through everything alone and that someone cares. I love you, Mrs. Davenport β€
Anywho, if anyone ever needs to talk about something, im always here and ready to listen
I hope you sll have a great day/night/afternoon
Signing off,
Jack
#you will be found#depression#depression survivor#anxiety#family#love#lgbt#love yourself#i am strong#i am loved#i am not alone#you are not alone#you are loved#you are strong
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