#im nothing more than a host to talk about him and his stupid ugly awful hideous terrible face

[wickjump]

a formal thank you to jakei for not blocking me for talking about cross 174832898 times a day. i probably would block me i'm really annoying. any way i very much extremely appreciate you andyour au.hhave a good break your so cool

love wick

[waywardcosplays-blog]

OFF TOPIC: Life and Such (EDITED)

If you don’t know me you might think of this as a strange thing to do. So, you might just wanna save that time for something nicer. I would probably do that too. I don’t even know why I am doing this. Or maybe I do. I always have been very focused on people’s reaction. If they liked what I do and who I am. I cannot remember how or why or when I got so obsessed with it. I never truly got bullied. Sure, there was this guy who occasionally called me ugly and fat because I was the only one getting off my bus station and thus, cost everyone about twenty seconds of their lunch break. Or boys in my class who’d whisper behind my back because I had bought a new scarf and thought it looked pretty on me. Well, it apparently didn’t. Silly me.

   I actually can think of a few things like that right now, but that’s not what I want to write about. Because after all, it’s not what made me the person I am but merely added to it when everything was going down anyway. I think I used to be a very sympathetic person, kind and honest and... nice. I was that girl that everyone at least sort of liked or accepted around. I could talk with everybody but rarely did. I was terribly shy and when I opened up I usually felt silly afterwards. I just couldn’t bear the thought of me potentially putting people I saw everyday off by telling them about my feelings. Therefore, I resorted to writing on a safe space about it. Some people don’t get why writing is so much easier than talking but I think it’s plain simple: you can contemplate every word before you make it public. Talking always seemed much too spontaneous and risky.

   After a failed approach to twitter when I was about twelve (how the hell could I know that I needed to follow people not to have an forever empty timeline?) I grew into it a few years later. And I fell in love for the first time in my life. He was a sweet Scottish boy my age. It all started when I was looking for a name I could give my e-bass (so edgy) and he suggested his’. I agreed; and we continued chatting. What I cannot remember is whether I went on a holiday to Scotland “due” to him or if we booked it before I developed any feelings for him. I sure wanted to go there anyway but yeah. It probably doesn’t matter anyway. Either way, I was so looking forward to it. I told all my friends about it and I remember at least one of them telling me that I looked so happy and nice. I really was happy. There was this cute boy out there who told me things I never heard before. That he liked all the things I hated about me Right now, I feel so terribly dumb for I am sure everybody knew how much of I fool I was -- except for myself. This relationship was destined to fail and SPOILER: it did. I travelled through Scotland with my mum for almost two weeks that summer before meeting this boy in Edinburgh. I was so anxious that I couldn’t eat and sleep and the people on our travelling group would ask me at dinner if I was ill. I at least was sick. Love sick.

   We met at Scott’s Monument. I told my mum to let me wait on one of the benches on my own (she agreed but hid behind the monument to make sure that guy was the one I was supposed to meet (and take sneaky photos)). I pretended to be reading but I couldn’t get past the first line. But it didn’t really matter since there he was. Green-white striped shirt, blue jeans and a white bag. I can see it so clearly in my mind. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I went up to him, probably red faced, and awkwardly waited until he noticed me. And he did.

   I don’t think we talked much. We were both so nervous and even though I am good at English having only gotten to know the Scottish accent in those ~11 days before didn’t make things any easier. But it didn’t really matter anyway. We went to the square in front of Edinburgh castle where they were testing the tattoo’s new seating constructions. We sat on the bottom watching all the tourists walk by. I had my hair dyed a ginger red back then and an Asian woman came up to us and took a photo. No joke. We looked at each other and decided to leave.

   Our next stop was the National Museum of Scotland. We played some kids’ game on the top floor, did the sports quiz (where I absolutely knew nothing, I am Jon Snow) and went to the roof where you have a lovely view on the whole city. I also remember him comparing me to the bust of a hairy man and me trying not to be upset about it. I was, though. Because I wanted him to think I was beautiful and exciting. I had brought along a gift for him since he was a Hibs fan and passionate drinker. It was green sickly sweet vodka and I gave it to him in the museum’s staircase. We both had a few sips right there. I had taken quite a few photographs throughout the day and took one there as well. The ones I took on our walk were blurry and shaky because we were moving. And even the one I took while blocking the stairs was awful because as mentioned before I wasn’t eating well and was a little drunk. He covered his face when I took it. People tend to interpret too much into past events but in an upsetting coincidence those unclear pictures perfectly sum up my relationship with that reckless boy. I never was the one he meant to clearly see him.

   I reckon we walked around for a little longer and then parted. In the evening, we once again chatted online. And I think I was the one being bold/pessimistic, telling him I was sorry for being weird and that I loved that day even though I was incapable of showing it and that I should have kissed him. He quickly answered that he felt the same way. I probably jumped around. He actually seemed to like me! And he still thought I was pretty after seeing me in real life. I was the luckiest girl alive. And the saddest for I was leaving the next day. I would have to wait so long to see my one and true love again.

   I actually never met my love again. I mean I met him, but with a completely different feeling. Within a few months, a girl texted me. She told me the truth about him. How he was telling like three girls at the same that he liked them and I felt like dying. I am not sure if I or she confronted him or he was forced to tell me. I told him it was okay. And I maybe really always felt that I wasn’t a girl that was enough. Sure thing is, we kept talking. And I texted a lot with that girl. We don’t talk anymore but I do cherish the memories I share with her because she is an amazing person and deserves all the luck in the world. Anyway, more than a year passed before I saw him again. And her. All three of us met and spent a day together. I wanted to cry through it. It was one of the most painful experiences I have ever made and I should have just put an end to it months before that. But I wanted to be special so badly.

   When we went to the bus station I channelled all my courage and asked him to go to a side street with me. I gave him a necklace very dear to me and it was the stupidest thing I have ever done. Like seriously. This guy had treated me like shit and I put an expensive necklace around his neck. I struggled whether to give him a peck, or hug, or just go when our friend showed up. And so we parted silently. However, I started to cry when I walked back to Princes Street with her. Again, she was so sweet telling me not to be sad and that I should stop saying that I was stupid. And I tried. Trying still didn’t stop me from stumbling down Princes Street with stinging eyes.

      Throughout the years, I didn’t really get better with people. There was one in Manchester. A beautiful singer and precious yet troubled soul. We went to see a Wolverine movie at the cinema and both fell asleep. When I was shivering at the tram station he put his arms around me and I felt so safe. When I wanted to make a donation for his bandcamp page it ended in a huge argument and after that we never really spoke again. It felt weird being so ignored so easily after spending so mucnt ime with him.

   My Gymnasium (=college) years were the loneliest ones in my life. I had no friends and I wanted none. The only person I knew was a girl from my former school and she just stood with me out of pity I guessed. I felt so lucky when I found my best friend. Of course, he lived in the UK as well. But he understood me. We chatted all day when I was in class or had breaks, on my way home and when I curled up in my bed. We sent pictures of blur to each other, made bad puns, he was my Pete Doherty and I was his Carl Barât. And then he didn’t show up on our first date. He eventually did on our second, half a year later, three hours too late and I could only bear to throw his present at him and then leave. I slowly got worse. Because I slowly figured that all those things happened because I am me. All the tricking myself into believeing that I was someone didn’t work after all.

   Our third attempt would be during my short summer at a school in London. I think I sensed something would go wrong because my ED got more and more obvious to a point where I had to drop sports. But he bought tickets for Graham Coxon at the Rounhouse and I was really looking forward to it. And 2nd August came. I skipped my afternoon classes and patiently waited for him to tell me when and where to meet. No answer. So I asked him. Still no answer. I told him I would wait for him at Camden Market. And I did for three hours. I only left when the gig had already started and the market was being closed. I was too ashamed to arrive early at my host parents house after telling them I was going out with a friend until late, so I walked around for two hours. I still arrived way before midnight but managed to sneak into my room. Defeated by my own stupidity that anyone would spend their limited time with me. And I thought make-up and getting skinny would change things. It obviously didn’t.

   So I gave up on that. I guess, I gave up on a lot of things after a certain thing happened. Or actually, I haven’t. I just went from controlling and restricting myself to do that with others. Because even I sometime am in charge of things. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t feel good but I truly came to realise what I have done and it hurts. Because I know how much the people that have endured me now must hurt. Because it’s the cruelest thing to be untrue to people that give you all they have. Stabbing them right where they’re most vulnerable. I have become all those people that made me hate and mutiliate myself. I would use the excuse of them “teaching” me and that I do not know better but maybe, just maybe I am a bad person. Because sometimes I think I get those guys. How they might just been in love with different people for different reasons. How erasing someone you like from your life is easier than awkward future interactions. How they were so scared of messing up that they did it straight away. For the greater good of all parties involved.

   The thing I know for sure however is that I still feel sorry about it everyday and they might don’t. They probably don’t. They live their lives in sunny California or the UK, playing football being in a great shape, sharing a home with their beautiful girlfriends. And I cannot blame them for not knowing my name anymore. But I hope I never forget anymore for I did hide it in a corner in the back of my mind too long. Forgetting what lies and arrogance do to people. Still, I feel like I must move on to get better and be able to be affected by men and women again.

   I, and especially people that used to really care about me, have paid a price far too high for my inability to feel anything but burning wrath or dull apathy. And I am sorry. I truly am. I loved and still love every single one of you and I hope you’ll find someone who treats you the way you deserve. Well, I know one of you already kinda has. And hearing about that was one of the rare things that made me smile that past year.

.

   I don’t really know what the purpose of this post is. Whether I wanna pity myself, understand my feelings a little better, if it’s a sad and pointless sorry, or if I just want to feel a bit less alone... I really don’t. But I hope I will find out someday.

[survivormuxloe]

Episode #5: “sushi + running isn’t the best combo.” - Mo

Sad to Linus quit honestly. Hope he’s alright but yeah that sucks.

So Linus just quit. It’s unfortunate and slightly annoying that we had another’s person quit. Especially since we had players like Jose and Jaylen who actually wanted to play. But then again I’m just trying to get the crown so I can’t really complain when someone else falls. Final 14 so I’m expecting merge to happen in the next 4 tribals.

Alright so hey I'm a bit late but since we last left off we were heading to tribal, at that point I was actually thinking Jose likely had an idol since you know.. throwing two random names 30 minutes before tribal when you know you can't get the numbers is a very idol-ish thing to do. So me and Tobi decided to vote Mo just in case an idol was played and both of them voted together. But actually at the end of the day Jose voted Mo and Mo well he didn't show up LMAO, which was actually bad because then his self vote would make it a 4-4 tie and while I think voting jose out after that would've been achieavable I would rather not give him the chance to fight. Luckily Mo showed up and voted him so that was it and he prob didn't see it coming but hey the lad was took it well so kudos to him.

So right after that the hosts pulled a sneaky on us and the live challenge was actually a swap (bragging rights I predicted it yay...look at me predicting a swap at f15 I'm so smart....)

And for once luck was on my side since I'm still on mercia alongside Felix David and Mo. With Wes joining us from the other tribe. Now I did vote Mo but maybe he doesn't think it was me? I mean tbf after he didn't show up at tribal I scream_messaged him to vote for Jose so who knows. But either way we have the inmense unit of David with us and Wes who I barely know from another org I'm playing at the same time so there's that

And then ofc Felix the crazy german god bless his soul he saved us this week from going to tribal <3

And as I write this Linus has quit the game so I guess that's 2 out of 2 for wins that I really didn't get to enjoy but oh well. At least this gives Michael and Dani a chance over at that tribe now that it is 2-2. As for Tobi well he carried his own new tribe in that challenge so hopefully he can overcome that 4-1 disadvantage in case they go to tribal.

So puzzle challenge, okay let’s get on it. Wanna win it cause my og tribe are such an unknown. I want to work with tobi. But he will do what he needs to do to stay in. So my paranoid ass is conviced that my og tribe ain’t talking to me cause they want me out. Idk I’m being stupid but ahhh.

Here i am, losing the challenge, feeling a little sorry for myself because i'm like ok it's me i'm going. Then BOOM Linus quits and as much as i wanna be like oh buddy no you should stay it might get more fun i also wanna be like lol bye bye because now instead of getting voted out 3-2 me and Dani can now tie the vote should we go back to tribal which is obviously better than nothing. I'm bad at puzzles but im just gonna try my absolute hardest because i refuse to be Denise Stapley and go to every tribal council.

uhm so the immunity challenge is puzzles... great loll im legit so trash at puzzles and if we lose again ik it's gonna be bc of me ): i'm gonna try my best and not flop but i cant even enter the puzzles so idk whats gunna happen

Somehow I obtained 2 idol clues by sheer luck and honestly it's what I deserve in this game. I'm still debating if I even want an idol so I shared my clues with Jones because I wouldn't mind if she had an idol. But anyways there have been 2 quits which sucks but the only benefit is that now I at least will get 14th in this game.

lol we’re gunna lose again. but i aint going home america.. know that!

So I’m nervous my time might cost us the challenge but do you know what I’m not nervous about.... going home bc I have Dani loyal to me and me to her and also mr Scott and myself have established a f2 alliance named “crumpets and bagpipes” (name subject to change) so yeah hopefully I’m going nowhere hehe

SO IDK HOW I DO IT but people just kind of give me clues and answers to their idol puzzles. SURE I asked Scooty how he was doing for his results, but I never even asked Madison about her clues and she's just kind of,,,,giving them to me? and I love it <3 <3 <3 WELL ACTUALLY I TAKE IT BACK. I LOVED IT UNTIL I FOUND OUT THE FUCKING IDOL WAS TAKEN ALREADY. I was searching the playroom today and WHAT DO YOU KNOW "there was something there but it was taken" and I want to actually PERISH LIKE HOLY FUCK I WAS ACTUALLY!! SOOOOOOO CLOSE!!1!11 but yeah hopefully Linus didn't have it and quit with it I'll actually beat his entire ass

So like... after my amazing comeback last immunity challenge,, WHICH BY THE WAY FUCKIN WAS FOR NOTHING BECAUSE LINUS QUIT LIKE WHY DIDNT HE QUIT BEFORE THE DAMN CHALLENGE AND NOW I OUTED MYSELF AS A CHALLENGE THREAT... stupid..,, we flopped in this one like... madison and jones flopped hard kdjhflksdjfhs like did they even try.. now im in a peculiar situation.. the great thing is that rhys and ryan actually asked me to be a part of a three man alliance (im obv at the bottom) and like im definitely using this to my advantage and hopefully get out of this tribal!! im expecting at least one vote from madison which is natural but like im gonna fight tooth and nail to get out of this!! idc who i have to throw utb to get by but i'll do whatever it takes

HELL YEAH TO MERCIA FOR WINNING ANOTHER IMMUNITY. It feels so good to have come clutch again, especially after a scare from Mo, who didn't do the right puzzle. -.- ugh that pissed me off so much, especially with so little time left to do it. But Ahrre and I DESTROYED everyone else who did the hard puzzle so I can't complain.

Also, a new development. Ahrre and Felix seem to trust me SO much that they wanna share their idol guesses with me, which is fine with me considering I trust them the most on this new tribe. I feel it, omg I feel like I'm SO close to getting that idol and if I find it, it puts me in a huge power position. So I need to find it before these guys.

This was probably the most stressful round for me. So let’s go through the series of unfortunate events

1. I misread the post and I was doing the easy puzzle the entire time when I thought I was doing the hard puzzle. I took a picture on my phone with my score and my name in the search bar.

2. I hangout with my friend, we go get sushi and I buy some macaroons and then we chill in a Starbucks while we play Pokemon Go.

3. I submit my photo at 5:45 PM 15 minutes before the dead line only to get told that not only would the photo not of counted because I didn’t have the date and time in the photo. But I was also doing the wrong puzzle.

4. My scrawny out of shape ass sprints home and it was the kind of thing where like I was coughing because I ran too much.

5. Now I have to do the more difficult puzzle in 20 minutes. I didn’t get the chance to practice before hand, I feel like shit, I’m still coughing and I think I’m going to puke because sushi + running isn’t the best combo.

6. I don’t submit on time, and not only that I don’t abstain on time either. So I get a strike. The amount of fucking despair and sadness I felt as I was rushing through the puzzle only to realize I was too late even after getting granted an extension. It was so awful.

Well, sad linus left but the good news is we won immunity by three minutes! Michaels time was a MESS because we could’ve gotten first if he did better but that’s alright we got second so that’s good. I like my remaining tribe mates so I hope things stay good ❤️

Aye so we've won another challenge after the swap yay! it's almost as if my shitty luck was detrimental during luck based challenges. wh would've thought...

Now we won even though Mo didn't submit and his time was more than the rest of the tribe combined lol but it's ok cause we won anyways, albeit David got a bit pissy about it and Mo told me about it but eh hopefully it's nothing.

Talking about david I decided not to sit around all day even if we're not going to tribal. Since I'm lucky to stay in the same camp I was before the swap I might as well try and find that damn idol if it hasn't been found already. So I decided to coordinate idol guesses with him and Felix which payed out because when we won the reward today he shared it with me (or at least a part of it unless he's lying) and he made a chat with me and felix so I guess now we're in an alliance, so there's that.

As for the other tribes well I hope Tobi can pull something out of the bag and not die this week, maybe he can get madison who has been pretty lackluster at challenges but either way I'm not gonna be holding my breath.

so today Rhys n I made an alliance with Tobi so that's a thing... and then later in the day we ended up losing immunity -___- which is ass because someone literally striked and got 45mins for a puzzle we still lost jalfkdjf like wig ok! I hope this alliance sticks but idk i gotta see what the waters feel like tomorrow... thank rihanna i have an idol it makes me feel like i have some security in this game hehe

Do you hear that? The birds are singing, the sky is blue and the sun is bright because YA BOI FINALLY WON IMMUNITY. Ugh I love winning immunity I’d scream if I had to go back there it’s ugly

Okay. So here is the tea. We lost.

I have an alliance between me Ryan and tobi. So fingers crossed that’s all good, and Madisin should be an easy boot.

However, I feel uneasy as when I woke up I had no messages from anyone on my tribe about tribal. Which is scary as I thought people would’ve been trying to push for w certain person making sure it wasn’t them. Apparently not, or maybe it’s me?. I know I’m a paranoid mess but I’m like 40% worried.

Okay this is post swap and this is a kind of sort of bad, I was swapped into a tribe were I believe I am only member of my og tribe, but we seem compontent at challenges (at least the rest of them do). Plus one person (Ahrre) I kind of sorta know so hopefully I can make something work and get past this.

Lewis quitting sucked since I actually knew him from an alias game a long time ago.

Let me know if you need a longer confessional.

hmm Madison is definitely the obvious choice to vote out from Sweyn rn... she's exuded the bare minimum of activity and i dont think we've had a genuine conversation in pm's or at all thus far; plus she did the worst in the challenge. I know from Scott that Jones got close with Madison on og Sweyn so that is something on my mind, but I think she would be ok letting her go ultimately; not too sure but I'm talking to her now so we'll see. If our tribe loses again it's gonna be ugly because i would hate to vote Jones out, she's a queen

Hey guys, its me... Hannah Baker. We had a tribe swap last round and I was shook at it being 3-2 with me being in a minority technically if we’re talking number wise. But, Scott said something interesting to me, saying that he thinks its funny that I would go home over Michael which is kind of reassuring. We lost the challenge and Linus decided to quit and I was like ok mood??? We won the challenge after thank god and I won’t be going to yet another fucking tribal. I really like Michael and Scott and I think if we were to lose again, we could vote out Malik. I’m hoping I can make the merge here but I guess we’ll see. Xoxo

god.. pls vote out madison u fucking fucks LMAOAOAOAOOA. liek im good terms with everyone on that tribe so its rly ugly that theyre going to tribal.. but uhm. hopefully its madison that goes bc i dont want to talk to her or wes at merge loll

like i can be social. dont get me wrong.. but like i cant do it with awkward unsocial people.. communication is a two way street after all

Madison is voted out 4-1.