#im not trying to say transhets are more oppressed than trans gays or anything

[justmelookingbackatme]

After so many years wishing I could be straight, one would think it might come as a relief to identify that way now. But it’s not. Heterosexuality is more isolating than I ever imagined it could be.

Being trans, I’m not straight enough for the general population. Most of them still think of me as a lesbian. But I’m too straight for most queers. It would be funny if it wasn’t so lonely; I’m an outsider among outsiders.

Sometimes they try to exclude me, or sometimes they make comments that aren’t intended to hurt but hurt nonetheless. And sometimes they do make an active effort to include me, which is wonderful, but… I still feel alone.

I don’t fit in with my cisgender sapphic friends anymore. I was one of them, but then I left. I know what I’ve lost with them; the community, the sense of belonging. And I’ve gained a lot too, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like an alien.

I don’t fit in with my nonbinary friends. They’re the ones who are Queer, with a capital Q. They have short, dyed hair, and interesting names, and pronoun pins on their backpacks, lesbian earrings or bisexual phone cases. They’re unapologetically queer, and although heterosexuality is queer when I do it, it’s not quite queer enough to seem like one of them.

I don’t fit in with my transmasculine friends. Most of them are gay, and the few who aren’t gay are bi. It’s become almost an inside joke between them, their path from a cis lesbian to a gay trans man. It’s not their intention, but sometimes the way they talk about that pipeline makes it seem like it’s a universal transmasculine experience. Sometimes I wonder when I’ll finish moving through my pipeline, when I would start liking men. This wasn’t where my path ended, was it? With me as a straight man? That was an outlier.

It was always like this growing up. Me, surrounded by a group of people who shared my gender, but they all talked about being attracted to boys, and I was the only one who didn’t feel that way. The odd one out. It’s a different gender now, but the same old story. My friends of the same gender liked men, and I didn’t, and I would start to wonder what was wrong with me. Wish and wish and wish I could find something, the hint of feelings for men, and never find anything.

I’ve followed this “lesbian to gay trans man” pipeline far enough that I’m no longer a lesbian, but I haven’t reached the “gay” part of “gay trans man.” I never will.

I’m not a woman who loves women, I’m not a man who loves men, and my gender doesn’t fit with the other queers who said “none of the above.” I’m just me. Not straight enough to be truly straight, too straight to be truly queer. An outsider among outsiders.