#im not saying everyone should go off their meds | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

chaosandmarigolds · 3 months ago

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EMS AU THINGYYYYYYY 🚑🚑

(lets be honest i have no idea what part im on)

It was a typical day at the base, with soldiers coming and going, and you were in the supply room trying to locate some elusive medical supplies. As you rummaged through a particularly cluttered shelf, a mindless distraction you had put upon yourself, you heard a voice from behind you.

“Hey, doc! You seen the new med kits for the flighters?"”

You turned to see Sergeant Barnes, a gruff but generally friendly man known for his no-nonsense attitude. He had a reputation for being blunt, like someone else who currently occupied 99% percent of your thoughts so you stammered for an answer as the words processed.

“Oh! The ones with the oxygen, that's right, I just put the order in so-” you began.

Barnes cut you off with a chuckle. “Yeah, I actually didn't care- So, you and Ghost, huh?”

You froze, what the fuck did he mean by that? Who else knew of that. “Sorry," you break your continuous breath holding with a panicked laugh, "Sorry, what?”

Barnes leaned casually against the doorframe, clearly enjoying your confusion. “The whole base is talking about you and Ghost. Apparently, you two had quite the night.”

You blinked, trying to piece together what he was saying, if it wasn't for the tears that were threatening your eyes (which you had to admit was a more pathetic than you cared to admit) you would see him look oh so smug. “I’m afraid...I-I don't follow.”

Barnes grinned. “You don’t know? People are saying you and L.T> Riley are more than just colleagues. Got everyone’s tongues wagging.”

You wanted to puke. He had assured you nothing had happened!! He swore on it! Or .. you would assume he would've sworn on it if you happened to ask him.

Before you could respond, the door to the supply room swung open, and Johnny walked in, looking for something—or perhaps someone. When he saw you standing there with a bewildered expression, his eyes lit up.

“Oi, what’s all this then?” Johnny asked, noticing Barnes’s grin.

Barnes raised an eyebrow, clearly enjoying the timing. “Just filling the doc in on the latest rumor.”

Johnny’s face lit up with recognition, and he turned to you, eyes wide with a mix of amusement and sympathy, "Ah, one of the rookies heard me n Gaz talkin in the galley, lass-"

You started at him, exasperated. "And you were saying-you were saying the lieutenant and I had sex??"

“Welcome to base life,” Johnny said, his grin widening. “Chit-chat here spread faster than the common cold...Anyway, wanna ask you if yer doin alright?”

"Per the request of the big man. " Barns chipped in with a cheeky smile.

Johnny scoffed, "Nonae bee-wax, is it?" A pause, "But yes."

You shook your head, trying to process the absurdity, you had just gotten this position and the idea of your trying to sleep your way through probation was disgusting. So his words went through your head. “ We didn't have sex! I would... I just had a bit too much to drink, and he helped me get back to my- his room. That’s all.”

Johnny stared at you, seeming to be a bit taken back by your ramble, "Right-O, uh... You need ta sit?"

"No I'm fine, the...the med kits," you force the words out, looking to Barns, "I should have them ready within the week."

The man took that as a reasonable answer and left with a shrug, Johnny turned to you with a sympathetic look. “Sorry about that. I didn’t think the gossip would spread so quickly. But, if it helps, the whole thing should blow over soon enough.”

You nodded, looking to him, "Right...and why are you here again?”

A short moment passed before he spoke again, "Simon wanna me to check in on you?"

"If he is oh-so-concerned he can talk to my fucking face like a man." You snap back, you take a breath, "Sorry, I'm sorry, this is the tenth time someone has come to me and spoken about this stupid- stupid!-"

"Gossip?"

"Shut up." You huff, "Tell him I'm fine."

"you don't look fine." Johnny spoke quietly, when he saw you look back to him he relented, "You're perfect!! wonderful even! Reporting that back."

"Hold on-" Mary's laughter rung through the phone, "Wait what the fuck!? You, sweet little ol you, FUCKED the masked freakazoid?? Girl-"

"No!" You cry out from where you had buried your face into the pillow, "We didn't! i got drunk and he helped me and the next thing I know is that i'm in his room and in his clothes and I walk out and I feel so...UGH"

Mary laughs for what you thought was a solid minute, "Jesus, so...did you...ya know?"

"No!! For the millionth time. I swear if I hear the S word one more time I will throw myself off a cliff."

"Right, well, it'll blow over. everyone will go to pick on the new topic in like...five hours."

You turn your face to stare at the wall, the screen of your phone lighting up the ceiling, "this sucks."

"Eh, it sucks more when you don't have the scary man obsessed with you." "EXCUSE ME-" "Oh wow look at the time! Gotta go!"

"She alright?"

Johnny winced to the first question that came out of Simons mouth and he shrugs, the words not quite forming, "She...She alive, al'igh." The silence was deafening, sure he knew his friend was generally apathetic and somewhat cruel at times but in the same way he had found Simon cared for him he also, somehow, cared for you.

So he sits down on the egde of the building and shrugs, "As long as she ain't the one keepin ya alive I feel like your safe."

Simon nodded, "I'll go have a chat."

" HORRIBLE IDEA?????"

_--

Am I aware I have little zero idea where I left off in this series, yes. But I vaguely remember and I'm lazy so here you go!!

#cod x you #simon riley fanfic #simon ghost riley #simon ghost x reader #cod fluff #simon riley x you #simon riley imagine #simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #coco's chaos <3

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angiethewitch · 1 year ago

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So, I'm also mentally ill, and I really don't understand why you think it violates your personal rights for you to be held accountable for taking the medication that keeps you stable, safe, and functional.

Do you think you should be allowed to act inappropriately because of your illness? Do you think you should be allowed to possibly hurt yourself and others? Do you have delusions about the healthcare system or medication? Do you dislike being stable or lucid? Like, why do you think that it's okay to neglect your mental health conditions and make people around you feel concerned or scared for your safety? Do you think that people shouldn't take meds in general, or just you?

Personally I enjoy being stable and healthy and I don't understand why you want to put yourself and others through distress. It seems like internalized ableism mixed with self harm tbh. I hope you get better someday and learn to love yourself when you're stable instead of hiding in your psychosis and hurting yourself and others.

it's actually ableist to come and assume that I'm violent and unsafe simply because im schizophrenic. ive been off my antipsychotics for nearly 2 years now, under the supervision of my doctor and psychologist, I have no such delusions about the healthcare system - once again, it is ableist for you to say a schizophrenic MUST be delusional for not wanting to go on medication. it is ableist for you to assume I MUST be a danger to myself or others because I am schizophrenic. it is ableist of you to come in here and be so fucking condescending, explaining things to the obviously insane schizophrenic. it is ableist of you to say I MUST not be stable or lucid. it is ableist of you to say I MUST be acting inappropriately. bro im just in fucking work. it is ableist of you to say i MUST be neglecting my mental health when I'm not on medication when I thought it was widely understood that medication is not the only answer.

I am not in distress and I do not cause distress. you've completely misunderstood my stance, just because medication works for you does not mean it works for everyone. my stance is that it violates bodily autonomy to force medication down my throat or strap me down and inject me with medication I did not consent to taking. either you did not understand that or you don't care, and you think people with mental illnesses should be stripped of their autonomy.

absolutely nobody is scared for my safety. I was discharged from the psychosis intervention services with my psychologist saying he feels incredibly positive about my recovery. I am a supervisor in charge of a team of people in my work and im on my way to a management position. for the record, I may still have periods of instability, but therapy and learning healthy coping mechanisms has been far more helpful than 5 years of a medication that gave me amnesia. and the medication didn't even stop the symptoms, they just put me in a chemical straitjacket.

how dare you come in to my inbox and spew ableism and assume things about me. get off my blog.

#anonymous #and this? harmful to my mental health too

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the-laughing-lunatic · 5 months ago

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im sick and I'll about emesis blue solider getting love ill take anything fluffy I need cavities,,,

(I’m so so sorry about how long this one took me, I was struggling with how to fit this into the timeline so I kinda made up some stuff. Thanks for requesting, I hope you enjoy and again so sorry for the wait!)

Emesis Blue Soldier/ Nurse!gn!reader (ROMANTIC)

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You were assigned as Jane’s private home nurse after he’d been hospitalized since he had no one else to take care of him

The only things you knew about him were from his chart

He wouldn’t talk at all in the first few weeks of you being there, and your interactions were limited to giving him his food and meds

Until one night when you were getting ready to leave you felt him grab your wrist

He was looking up at you with pleading eyes, begging you to stay.

And you did.

Apparently he had been having night terrors frequently, and they were getting worse

So you stayed by his bed while he went to sleep

…though after about fifty minutes of sitting in a chair, you were tired, and there was an awful lot of space left on the bed. Couldn’t hurt to just lay down for a second…

A few moments after you laid down you felt an arm around you

This is completely unprofessional, I should just leave right now—

Your thoughts were interrupted by a soft hum from Jane in his sleep

He was smiling.

You’d never seen him smile before, and you found yourself wanting to make him smile like this all the time

You stayed the night, and the next night, and the night after that–

You two fell into habit, and over the few weeks you kept a decent bit of your things at his place

One night though when you got into bed, Jane wasn’t there, the clock kept ticking until it was two in the morning, so you decided to look for him

He was sitting in his wheelchair outside with a cigar, looking at the sky

“Jane, what’s the matter?”

He paused for a moment before responding. “...you should leave here.”

“What? No, Jane, this is my job I’m not going to leave you, why would you say that?”

“You’ll get hurt.”

You sat down on the porch next to his wheelchair. “What makes you think I’m gonna get hurt?”

“Everyone I love gets hurt, I’m going to let you down.”

You sighed and placed a hand on his, giving a light squeeze at his dejected confession. “I see. How would you let me down?”

“I’m good at loving, I always make–” he paused, remembering something. “—stupid mistakes.”

You gave an empathetic look. “We’re not perfect, I know. Though, I don’t think you can be bad at loving someone, but if you’re sure, I’d be perfectly happy if you just let me love you. If, um, that’s not too assuming of me to say.”

He looked at you for a moment, crushing his cigarette out. “You’re making a mistake.”

You took his hand. “Maybe, maybe not. We’re only going to see if you let me make this ‘mistake’.”

He paused for a moment before giving you a tight hug and crying quietly.

And that’s how y’all started dating

Still very hesitant with any kind of affection in the beginning, you’re the one who initiates most of it

Even though you make sure not to startle him he still keeps getting caught off-guard and flustered

But when he’s more comfortable with it he likes being around you all the time

One of the things he does the most is tapping out “I love you” in Morse code on you

On your arm, your hand, any part of you he can reach he’ll press those touches to your skin

You’re the person he feels the most comfortable talking to, but he’s still rather quiet of a guy so he likes to express his affection for you in other ways by just being close to you and listening to you talk

Is incredibly grateful for how patient you are with him, and you’re the absolute light in his life as he works through his trauma

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

#tf2 #tf2 x reader #team fortress 2 #team fortress 2 x reader #fanfiction #soldier tf2 #soldier tf2 x reader #emesis blue #emesis blue soldier #emesis blue soldier x reader #tf2 headcanons #x reader

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unkat · 9 months ago

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chilaios medical au idea i have been bouncing in my head (will not be written until after my current one is done)

i am thinking of a like firefighter/paramedic story for these guys. where laios is a new shift commander/chief at a small middle of nowhere station and chilchuck is a medic from a big city who keeps getting reassigned because he is trying to recruit for a union and the company is trying to make his job unworkable/find a reason to let him go.

laios was promoted because of his work ethic and ability to teach other people about the ins and outs of emergency medicine, not because he wanted to be in charge. he is too new and disinterested in the company politics to throw him under the bus for other people, and by the time someone explicitly says he needs to fire him, he has gotten attached.

"he's reliable, does good work, and catches things nobody else here would have. i know he cussed out the family trying to get into the rig, but he had already told them no and they should be grateful he saved their daughter instead of filing a complaint! even if i were to discipline, he deserves a verbal warning and not dismissal. You were not there, and i am his direct superior."

(wins the argument and walks away trying not to hyperventilate)

also falin is a surgeon and marcille is a research fellow who abandoned her big-city super-focused projects to come out into the country and work with subpar equipment and an incompetent assistant. im not thinking like full rural hospital here, but closeish to it. could be an academic satellite hospital and she switched from like gene therapy trials to studying exposures/population/histology stuff.

shifting the touden hyperfixation from monsters->medical fascination i think would still get across the same vibes. falin is very nice and pleasant but she treats everyone nicely and pleasantly without actually empathizing with them. shes one of those surgeons who went to shadow a heart transplant in college and cried because it was so beautiful and then got a bunch of scholarships plus student loans for med school.

laios hunts and has a big appreciation for the lives of things he kills and butchering/using everything he can. then it translates to him being fascinated by the human body as an object more than as a being that is different and special from other animals that he is a part of. he is a fantastic emergency responder because of this- people are a pile of flesh that is broken somewhere, and he wants to figure out why. (this is something that I'm like. not sure if it is okay for me to include because it can be squicky/triggering. but i feel like when I'm unsure if I'm going too far that is when i am reaching the line i want to?)

the touden siblings still go hiking and mudding and spend their time off in the woods (marcille wears white shorts and sandels on a hike leaving laios to be very explicit and offering clothes to chilchuck when he offers him to join. chilchuck borrows his shirt and it is way too big, but he keeps it for a while.)

chilchuck is extra divorced. he facetimes with the girls a couple of times a week and gets them on rotating holidays. sometimes ex-mrs. tims invites him over for dinner because she feels sorry for him and her new boyfriend is also there. it's awkward but they both know he's harmless, just annoying and closed off. he smokes but has tried to quit 7-8 times. started when he was an emt and couldn't shake it because it helped him destress. he only knows how to drive well enough to pass his vehicle license renewals and still doesn't know what the buttons in his car do. the ac has been "broken" for a week before a station mechanic pushes the button to turn it back on (they should put a subway around here, stupid cars).

laios respects his experience and history of being at a constantly busy station that saw a variety of crazy shit. chilchuck initially resents him for being so out of touch, but grows to respect his leadership abilities. laios also always follows up on cases at the hospital to figure out the outcome and reflect on best practices.

he is the first person to get chilchuck to actually debrief after a shitty call and chil cries and never wants to talk about it again. but its like a seal in a dam has been breached, and opens up when they are cuddling on the couch. they spend more time off shift with each other. chilchuck crashes on laios' couch and initially feels like he needs excuses to do it until laios says he really likes talking with him and having him there. he tells him about the company's EAP coverage and that he encourages everyone to take advantage of it.

in the end, they hit that threshold of basically living together, and one of them would need to change their station (superior/employee romance) after they go from making out off shift in secret to seriously considering having laios meet his daughters in person. (they already think they're married because laios is always there when they call now)

#unkat rants #i cant stand them #chilaios #dungeon meshi filter #...i updated the tag for folks who saw this directly already #sorry for the confusion

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love-toxin · 1 year ago

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yes pls tell me all ur thoughts on blade, luocha, gepard, jingyuan and kafka 😳 the eng va and trailers for jingyuan and kafka in particular got me acting up—just smthing about jingyuan’s lil smirk and laid bk countenance and how i know he can fuck the daylights out of anyone effortlessly—and kafka? yes ma’am anything for u pls slam ur foot against the wall behind me 🙏🏻

god bless im literally in love w/ all of them anon. would give my left nut for blade, luocha or jing yuan, gepard and kafka carry my team so hard. also bc i want them to step on my face.

also i wanna be toxic rn so under the cut ⬇️⬇️

blade -> prrrrrrrrr. big daddy. idk why but he gives me discord kitten daddy dom vibes. he manspreads. he gets pussy. he probably doesn't shower as often as he should. he's unapologetically a rude bitch. he absolutely girlbosses you into being his baby, he pulls out the "i feel nothing but you give me a taste of life" and keeps you so close you're basically part of him. handsy and off-putting in public for passersby but you can't get his hands off you, it's a losing battle babe. nd he's nasty freaky slimy and rubs his cock against you as a sign he wants to go home or just find someplace quiet. he doesn't like fucking you out in the open but he'll do it if the need arises--like if you "forget" that your body & soul belongs to him and need a harsh reminder. you're just his delicate little kitty after all, so if anyone's gonna break you it should be someone you love unconditionally. right?

kafka -> gatekeep. gaslight. girldaddy. beats you up and makes you say thank you. you're her pet so get used to it, but she'll feed you once in a while so you should be glad, puppy. she's the mean tall girlfriend who babies you and then spits in your mouth for a treat. her & blade treat you like a pet and if she's feeling extra mean she strips you down and makes you kneel between them with nothing to cover yourself. if you're good and give them a lil show they'll let you go early, they promise (lie). humping kafka's pillow to get your scent all over it becomes a nightly ritual to help her sleep, no it is non-negotiable, it is in your spouses' contract that she signed with your hand while you slept. it also states that your face may be used in any and all leisure activities at her discretion--mainly for her to push your head between her legs and lazily give you an order as she sifts through documents. you might be her pet, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you. at least as far as you can tell.

luocha -> ngl idk that much about him yet but he's immediately unhinged bf-shaped. stupid and drunk on thoughts of you & gives you his credit card details on the first date. he's gross and wants to bite your thighs. begging to be drowned in pussy/choked with cock. you're so pretty and he's so dirty by comparison. he can't blame you for not wanting his gross dick anywhere near you, guess all he can do is eat you out <33 oh noooooo! what a tragedy! sike. he loves that shit. he's got meds to make you squirt too. ik he's not that kinda healer but don't tell me unhinged luocha wouldn't have a ball drugging you both up and taking you for a ride. he wouldn't even know his name once the high dies down, just the feeling of your lips leaving stray kisses all down his face as you try to stay awake.

jing yuan -> daddy 2.0. a dilf with no kids. 1000% goes into husband mode the second you're within reach. chill & soft & uwu until everyone's outta the office, then he becomes a menace to society and your underwear. he cums in them before you leave for the day so you don't forget him <3 you can have a cheeky one in your mouth on his lunch break if you're good. ♀️ he beats your pussy up cock-first for hurting his bbg with your period. he still doesn't get enough of you in the day so he creeps on you at night, rubs one out on your thighs while you sleep and flips over to go right back to snoring afterwards. you can never have too much cum on you--that's his wisdom and as your superior general you should probably believe it, no? don't worry, he can fuck with your job and your life and your friends and your money and your heart until you find it within yourself to agree.

gepard -> dummy boy goody-two-shoes. he likes fuckin in the uniform and being called "captain" i am not taking criticism at this time. dumb little captured stellaron hunter & horny silvermane captain roleplay. moans in your ear during sex. he moans like a girl and he hates it but it's hot and he cums 10x faster if you tell him just how hot it is. he's so big & tall he just makes you feel like a little bunch of grapes when he picks you up, nd he's self-conscious about how weird it is that he likes seeing your face scrunch up in pain when he eases you on his cock but it's just too big. the gravity makes it all feel too much when he sits you on his lap like that but you just wiggle around on it rather than get off, and he's a fiend for it. also consider clean, prim, missionary-lover gepard falling in love with rimming you & feeling like a dirty mutt for enjoying it so much & begging you for it when he's in need. asking him to take a shower with you turns into code for "let's do anal against the tile please" real quick.

#hsr blade #jing yuan #hsr kafka #gepard landau #luocha #blade x reader #jing yuan x reader #gepard landau x reader #kafka x reader #luocha x reader #spicy writing #honkai star rail #ellie thirsts #anons

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carb0n-m0n0xid3 · 6 days ago

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Mouthvasihng Yap

because my stupid brain wont let me live without this, im gonna make a recap (and other stuffs) of everything in mouthwashing. PLEASE tell me if i get anything wrong.

[color-coded to cure my autism :3]

CHARACTERS •Anya- beloved nurse (Top left) •Daisuke- optimistic intern (Top middle) •Swansea- mechanic of the ship (Top right) •Curly- the captain (Before: bottom left. After: bottom middle) •Jimmy- co-captain (or captain in command I believe) (Bottom right) So basically the entire game is set off because of Jimmy. You do play as him anyways. He does a very bad thing to Anya [he rapes and impregnates her], so she decides it would be best to tell the captain himself, which she does. Curly then decides he should talk to Jimmy. •QUOTE THAT MAKES ME CRY :D "I'll talk to him"

[THIS REPRESENTS JIMBUS(right) AND CURLY(left)!!] Jimmy does not want to take RESPONSIBILITY (key point in the game) for his actions, for what he did to Anya. He'd rather die than face the consequences. So Jimmy decides to crash the ship into an oncoming asteroid, thinking to save only himself.

(keep in mind on what Anya said as well) I believe Jimmy locked Curly in the cockpit. I am not certain, but it is a possibility. He wanted him to die. He wanted to have no witnesses so he wouldn't be charged of what he did.

But as of now, the entire Tulpar crew is stuck on the ship, just surviving. Anya is the one to care for Curly, giving him painkillers. She doesn't like the job much, becoming uneasy at his moans of pain and overall state of being.

Once, though, she asked Jimmy to give Curly his meds. Jimmy was fed up, but decided to do it. Unfortunately the cruel bum decided to beat him.. After that dialogue you can even hear Curly crying.

Really quick, I just wanna say that this dialogue with Anya and Curly is very interesting. She seems to be the one staring at the pixel, saying "In the back of my mind, it's always there." But Curly, on the other hand, seems not to care much. "I don't think it ruins the illusion though. It's peaceful. But maybe I'm just used to looking at the bigger picture." Interesting that word he says... illusion.

Jimmy just made life miserable on the Tulpar, bringing Anya to her fate. She decided it would be best to just end it all, to rid herself of Jimmy and the burden given to her from him..

Daisuke manages to find out she's "stuck" in medical when actually she locked the door.

IM SORRY, SHE JUST MAKES ME SO SAD D: But anyways, I'm gonna condense the story line a bit now. So in short, Jimbus basically manipulates Daisuke into going into the vents, despite their danger, to save Curly (except he didn't really care, i think).

•QUOTE THAT MAKES ME CRY :D "Anya...? ...what d-did you do?" So Daisuke goes into the vents, proving their danger... He returns bloody and scarred all over his body from the vents. Jimmy decided it was "best" to disinfect the wounds with mouthwash (cuz they "remove 99.99% of germs"), only making them worse. This probably symbolizes the entire Tulpar situation: something really bad happened, so Jimmy tries to FIX IT with something, only making everything worse for everyone. Swansea decides to do the best thing for Daisuke, and uses the emergency fire ax to kill him, essentially putting him out of his misery.

•"It's alright Daisuke. Calm down. ...This line of work. You could never have become like ol' Swansea. What a tragedy." ... •"I thought you were dumber than a can of paint, always just chewing my ear off about nothing. Useless ray of goddamn sunshine." ... •"You coulda taught an old fool like me alot. ..." ... •"Close your eyes, Daisuke." I love Swansea's "speech" to Daisuke, but it makes me so sad :( ANYWAYS, Jimmy goes completely bonkers at the fact that he killed Daisuke. It was a mercy kill, but all he saw was another crew member dead.

Long story short, he decides to kill Swansea. Swansea gives a beautiful speech before dying to him, and I REALLY wanna pick at that, but its quite long.. I might reblog this for it cuz this is already very long. But Jimbus shoots Swansea and returns to Curly (who is somehow still alive). (I am going to skip talking about some scenes)

"We fixed it..." "I... fixed it..."

Jimbo basically takes poor ol' Curly to the utility room and puts him into the cryopod thingy. He says his farewell and shoots himself before Curly is ejected into space, frozen and traveling throughout, lost and unfound.

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crazylittlejester · 16 days ago

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I found a video that reminded me of modern War and it made me think

Do you think War just, randomly dances at times. Like, the kitchen timers going off? Sick beat, dance time. Fire alarm? Even better. Elevator music? A jam.

They've started testing what the funniest thing they can do to make War start dancing

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DA14QvHS1Cf/?igsh=OWU1bmMwdXF1MDh2

IM CRYIN THAT GUY ABSOLUTELY ATE THAT UP IN THAT VID HOLY SHIT

Wars absolutely will just randomly start dancing. if its to something like the microwave going off then he’d recreate that one freestyle dance teacher vine and Twi is absolutely joining him akjshkjshjksj or he and sky or twi will, what they call, “Quietly Breakdance” to a reminder alarm to take meds, and they don’t stop until the person who’s alarm went off does. if he has more space and is like, outside or something, and the opportunity presents itself and he decides to do it for the bit he’ll go nuts and make sky help him film a tiktok and he’ll have the same energy as the guy in that vid you sent. just because he thinks itd be funny. i’d say that he’s fun at parties but oh my god he has NO time to go, plus i think he’d get a bit overwhelmed, so i’ll say he’s fun during tech weeks and during that break between performances where theres two shows on saturday and everyone just kinda hangs out on the stage because the theater is closed to guests for a little bit. the vibes are always fantastic, last show i did my sister and her friend recreated a scene from high school musical and i moved a spot light on them literally just for the sake of it aljshkish

he’s definitely got unmedicated ADHD but it’s fine he has an outlet for his energy. he puts 100% into everything does (this poor mf is immune to caffeine so he’s running on a fucking prayer and a protein bar)

most of his experience is in ballet which his mother had him doing since he was 3 (and he has not quit that ever, so he’s been doing that for like 17 years) so if he’s going to randomly dance because he gets the Urge to and not because he just thinks it’d be funny 7/10 times its some kind of spin and he Will end up falling because either he slipped on the wood floor in his socks or it’s the classic “full grown adult with long legs vs tiny ass apartment” and he kicks something and knocks himself off balance. you’d think as a professional he would know you should never dance in your house like that because you’ll hurt yourself, but no he’ll never learn. their downstairs neighbors hate him (the downstairs neighbors are legend and hyrule)

#jes ask #jes’s miscellaneous modern au #lu warriors #lu wars

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skzimagines · 7 months ago

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Part 21

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Genre: | Polyamory!relationship |

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It's been a week since Hyunjin's been out of the hospital. I've been staying at his house with him ever since. He's going to his therapy, taking his med's, and taking care of himself better. I haven't talked to Minho much, outside of letting him know how hyunjin is doing. The argument we had the night everything went down is still sitting on my mind daily. Maybe he was right, if I had just talked to Hyunjin, at least said a quick hello... maybe, none of this would have happened. He has apologized multiple times, say's it wasn't my fault that this all happened, he was just under a lot of stress and he wasn't thinking about what he was saying. But to me... there's always some truth behind thing's that are said, wether anyone says there isn't.

"what do you want for dinner tonight jinnie?" I ask, walking into his room, where he lays in his bed, scrolling through his phone. "mmm.. im not really hungry." he groans. I sit at the end of his bed and let out a sigh. "what's wrong, love?" he asks, sitting up to sit behind me and pull me into his arms. "nothing... just thinking." I whisper. "what are you thinking about?" He asks. "Do you blame me for what happened?" I ask in a whisper. "oh y/n..." He says, pulling me tighter into his arms. Tears begin to well up in my eyes. "I just feel like everything's my fault, if I would have talked to you, if I didn't push you away.... I didn't know how to handle everything Hyunjin, this years trip has been nothing but a complete mess. I screwed everything up...." He lets out a sigh. " you didn't screw anything up baby. If anything you made it better. I was the one that screwed things up, I should have handled thing's way better than what I did. I was acting like a complete fool. I should have been there for you, but instead I acted like an asshole. I ruined the entire trip, not just for you but for everyone. If I would have just pulled my head out of my ass the first day, none of this would have happened. So please, don't blame yourself for all of this mess, because it wasn't you." he says.

I let out a sigh and let my body relax into his. “I love you, Hyunjin.” I says. “I love you too, Y/N.” He replies. He takes me cheek into his palm and turns my head towards his, capturing my lips into a deep, slow kiss. His hand moves from my cheek and to my neck, caressing it softly. I bring my hand up to run through his hair and the kiss gets deeper. “Lay down for me baby.” He whispers.

I make my way up the bed, laying on the pillow. Hyunjin climbs on top of me, bringing his lips to mine once again. His hands explore my body. "you're so beautiful." He whispers as he runs his lips down to my neck. He lick's along the side of my neck before giving my ear a light peck. "let's take these off" He says, pulling my short's down. He slides them down my legs with my panties, throwing them on to the floor. He slowly makes his way back up my body. He slams his lips back onto mine, before sliding his member out of his pants and rubbing his tip between my heat. "Mmm... so wet for me already." He moans. "You do things to me you'll never understand, Jinnie." I whisper. He gives me a small smile before giving me a quick peck on the lips. "oh trust me my love, I completely understand." he whispers back, while pushing into me, slowly. I throw my head back in pleasure as he bottoms out inside me. He begins to move slowly, in and out. His tip rubbing every inch of my insides perfectly. Our lips connect once again as he ruts his hips into mine. "Don't ever leave me again..." He whispers. I let out a moan as he begins to go faster, and harder. "never... leave you... again jinnie." I moan out between his thrusts. "good... you're all mine." He says before wrapping his hand lightly around my neck and pumping himself into me hard enough to make the bed shake. "say it.." He demands. "All yours... I'm all yours Hyunjin." I squeek out. He takes one of my nipples into his mouth and gives it a hard suck before bringing it between his teeth, giving it a light bite. I let out a small groan at the sensation. I wrap my arms around his neck and bring his hair into my hands, tugging at it gently. "Don't ever cut your hair.." I say with a smile. "Whatever you want my love.." He says, before bringing his lips to mine for the hundredth time tonight. His hip's begin to get weak as his high comes closer and closer, causing his thrusts to slow down. I feel my high coming along with his. He pushes in one last hard thrust right before we both come to our highs together. He lets out a long sigh before rolling off of me and laying down on the bed facing me. "It's been a while since we did that." He says quietly with a chuckle. "yeah... it has." I say, taking in how long it actually has been. "We should probably start doing that more often." He says jokingly. "Who said we were done yet?" I say with a laugh, climbing back ontop of him. "Oh, really now?" He says with a smirk.

"Baby, did you grab the sunscreen?" Hyunjin yells from across our shared apartment. It's been a few weeks since I've moved in with him. But it's been a few months since we've seen anyone else besides each other. After everything that's happened, we really just needed the time together and Hyunjin needed his time to get better. My only focus other than him was my work. I've texted Ash a few times, but just to tell her we were alright and they didn't need to worry. Like that was going to keep them from doing so. That was until Felix texted me earlier today asking if Hyunjin and I wanted to go to the beach with them and all the other guys... including Minho, which neither Hyunjin nor myself have talked to since the day Hyunjin went to the hospital. After everything that's happened and him basically blaming everything one me, I've chosen to just distance myself. The comment he made still runs through my head every other day. That, and he hasn't gone out of his way to check on Hyunjin or I since that night. I didn't want to go to this beach "extravaganza" as felix called it, not wanting things to get out of hand, or be awkward. But Hyunjin insisted on us going, he says it will be a good thing for us to get out of the house for a little bit, which I agree with. And he also says it'd be good to catch up with everyone, which I have to disagree with.

"No, I think its in the bathroom under the sink." I say, throwing my swimsuit cover over my head. Hyunjin makes his way to the bathroom to grab the sunscreen as I make my way to the kitchen to pack some drinks into our cooler bag. I meet Hyunjin in the walk way with our bag as he carries our towels. “You ready?” He asks with a smile. I let out a nervous sigh. “I guess so..” I say with a half smile. “Let’s go!” He grabs the keys from the key hook and we head to the car after he locks the front door. We throw our stuff into the back seat before getting in and buckling up. Hyunjin starts the engine. “Did you want to drive?” He asks. “Are you kidding? Do you want to die?” I say dramatically. He lets out a laugh before putting the car in reverse and backing up.

We finally get to the beach after what seems like the longest thirty minutes of my life. My heart starts pounding when Hyunjin puts the car in park and we see Jeongin down the beach waving his hands crazily at us. Hyunjin treats me take a deep breath and he takes my hand into his. “Everything will be okay my love.” He’s says softly and reassuringly. “I hope so.” I say, looking out towards everyone on the beach. “Hey..” he grabs my chin and turns my face towards his. “I’m right here… I won’t let anything happen.” He says, before planting a kiss on my forehead. “Now let’s try to go have some fun!” He says excitedly, exiting the car.

We grab our things from the trunk right before Jeongin and Changbin come running up to us and pulling us both into a bear hug. I let out a grunt as Changbin squeezes me as hard as he can. “Bin.. you’re going to kill me.” I say breathlessly. He laughs and lets go, just to do the same to Hyunjin. Jeongin walks over and pulls me into a hug. “We miss you guys!” He says. “We missed you too.” I smile. “Let’s go swim! We have food if you guys are hungry.” Changbin says, leading us to everyone else. We finally catch up to everyone at the beach. “Y/N!!!” Ash yells before crashing into me with a hug, sending us both down into the sand. And for the first time… in a long time, I let out a real laugh, along with her. We lay there holding each other in the sand. "Okay you lovers, get up, everyone else needs a hug." Han says with a laugh. Ash gets off of me and I stand up to give Han a hug and see Minho standing behind him. I feel my heart skip a beat. We make eye contact for a few seconds before looking away from one another. "alright, alright.. bring it in." Han says, pulling me into a hug.

After we all say our hello's and talk about how things have been, we all decide to go swimming with each other. Ash and I walk up to our bags and such to take off our swim covers. Pulling it over my head and tossing it to the blanket laid out in the sand, I look up and catch Minho starring. "you've got a secret admirer." Ash whispers, nudging my shoulder and wiggling her eyebrows in a joking manner. I give her a small smile. "I don't think so anymore... I haven't talked to him in months." I whisper back. "he still loves you... he told me what happened, he just doesn't know how to go about things from here." she says. "but I know you and Hyunjin are in a good place, I don't want that ruined. I'm so happy you two worked things out. And I'm glad he finally got the help he needed. Cause he was turning into quit the dickhead." She chuckles at her last comment. I let out a light laugh. "I don't know what to say to him.." I sigh. "you don't have to say anything, I'm sure everything will work out eventually... NOW! lets go swimming!" she yells excitedly.

We all make our way to the water. Hyunjin comes up behind me and picks me up by the waist, running toward the water. "Hyunjin! Put me down right now!" I yell. "Nope, we're going swimming baby." He laughs. "I'm going to kill you!" I yell before we hit the water and we both fall in, submerging us both under. I come up gasping for air as I hear Hyunjin laughing. I quickly wipe my eyes and splash water at him. He makes his way towards me and pulls me into a kiss, both of us smiling through it. "I love you." He says when he pulls away, resting his forehead on mine. "I love you too Jinnie." I say with a smile.

"Guys! we should play chicken!" Chan says happily. "Umm, if you don't mind me asking... what the hell is chicken?"Seungmin asks. "You've never played chicken?" Ash asks. "no..." he exclaims. "Jeez, have you lived under a rock your whole life?" Changbin says sarcastically. "No... but I've lived under your mom." Everyone breaks out into laughter, while Changbin gives him a death stare. Once everyone stops laughing, Chan goes on to explain how to play the game. "So there's two people on a team, one person sits on the other's shoulders and tries to knock the other team down." Once everyone understands how to play the game, we all get into teams. First up was Ash and Felix with Changbin and Jeongin. Ash and Felix decided to mix it up and Ash held Felix on her shoulders, well.. she tried at least. Jeongin only had to push Felix one time before he fell off of Ash's shoulders and into the water. Next up was Hyunjin and I with Minho and Han. "Alright, you better kick their asses." Hyunjin says, crouching down in the water so I can get on his shoulders. I quickly climb on and hold on to his shoulds, wrapping my legs around him as he stands up. "I'll try my best." I say with a laugh. Minho gets Han on his shoulders and makes their way over to us. "You ready to be body slammed into a giant body of water?" Han asks me dramatically. "Its a lake Han, no need to be dramatic. And you're the one that should be getting ready." I say. I heard a chuckle come out of Minho. "Don't laugh! You're supposed to be on my team!" Han says, giving Minho a light smack on the head, causing a smile to break out on Minho's face, the first one I've seen today. "Alright guys... GO!" Chan yells, and Minho and Han lunge toward us. I quickly grab onto Han's arm before he can push me over, I pull with everything in me until he falls forward off of Minho's shoulders. Hyunjin yells out excitedly when he notices we have won. Han comes up out of the water. "Down so quick huh?" I ask with a smirk. "You totally cheated!" He says. "I did not!" I say with a laugh.

We continue to swim and play dumb games together until the sun starts to go down. "Do you guys want to have a bonfire with us?" Chan asks. I look over to Hyunjin, waiting for him to answer, not being sure what he wants to do. "Yeah, we can do that. Neither of us have to work tomorrow." He explains. "Awesome! Hyun.. do you want to come help me get the firewood? They have a stand up at the gazebo." He asks. "Yeah no problem." Hyunjin answers. He quickly comes up to me and plants a kiss at the top of my head. "You should go get changed baby, it's getting cold." He says before making his way out of the water. I also make my way out of the water and up to the blanket to grab my bag. "Hey..." I hear Minho behind me, I turn around to look at him. "Hi..." I say lightly. "umm.. how've you been?" He asks, I can tell her nervous by the way he scratches the back of his neck while asking. "oh, uh.. it's been good actually." I state. "Good, I'm glad." He says. An awkward silence falls between us. "How have you been?" I ask suddenly, trying to break the silence. "I've been good... just the same old stuff." He says. "That's good..." I drag on. "well uh.. I'll let you go get changed.. just figured I'd say something so it wouldn't be so awkward." He says with a chuckle. I let out a small chuckle. "I think this conversation was as awkward as it could have gotten" I say with a laugh. He laughs, for the second time today.. but who's counting? "yeah... I'm sorry." He says nervously. "You don't have to say sorry."I say with a smile. "No... not about this. I'm sorry for what I said to you that day. I shouldn't have done that. I was out of line." He says nervously. "It's alright Minho.. we were both under a lot of stress, it happens." I say, trying to just end the conversation, I'm not good in awkward situations and this has to really top the bar to that. "No, it's not alright.. I told you I would never hurt you, and I did and I'm sorry." He says. "Minho, I forgive you. Truly, let's just put it behind us. Okay?" I say with a heartwarming smile. "Good. I just need you to understand I never meant to hurt you Y/N, that I'll always love you. Even after what happens tonight." He says before walking away. 'what happens tonight?' I think to myself. 'what is he talking about?'.

I grab my bag and head up toward the bathrooms to change my clothes. I make my way around the corner just about to reach for the door handle and two hands cover my eyes. “Guess who..” Hyunjin whispers in my ear. A smile breaks out on my face and I pull away from his hands to face him. “The one and only..” I say before giving him a quick peck on the lips. He pulls me back toward him before I can fully pull away and deepens the kiss. “You look way too good to be walking around in that bathing suit my love. “ He whispers. “What are you going to do about?” I say teasingly. He quickly pushes me through the bathroom door, closing it behind him with his foot and quickly turning around to lock it before pushing me into the wall and slamming his lips into mine. His tongue fights with mine as he slides my bathing suit bottom off. “Jump.” He says. I jump up and he wraps his hands around my thighs as I wrap them around his waist. He quickly pulls his sweatpants down, letting his hard member fall lose from the restraint of his boxers. ‘He must have changed when he left with Chan.’ I think to myself. He grabs his member and lines it up with my heat before slamming into me. “Fuck Hyun-!” I yell before hyunjin shushes me with his hand over my mouth. “Have to be quiet angel, there’s other people here.” He whispers. He continues to slam into me, I don’t last long before I come undone around him. He sets in a few more thrusts before he cums, letting out a grunt as he does.

He gently sets me down and runs his hands through my wet hair. “I love you.” He whispers. “I love you too.” I say back. “Let’s get you dressed.” He grabs my towel and wraps my hair in it, squeezing it gently to get the water out of it. He then unties the back of my top, letting it fall to the ground. He runs his hand down the middle of my back slowly, before moving my hair out of the way and drying it off. “You’re so perfect.” He whispers, taking in the beauty. “Stop..” I say embarrassed. “You are. You don’t understand just how beautiful you really are.” He spins me around and drys the front of me, then leans down and drys my legs. Once he finishes he grabs my sweater and sweat pants from my bag and helps me put them on. “Let’s go to this bonfire everyone’s raving about.” He says with a chuckle. “Let’s do it!” I say, holding the bathroom door for him as he gathers our things.

We make our way to the others. "welcome back love birds." Changbin says jokingly. I look over at Minho and see him starring at Hyunjin and I's hands that are interlocked with one another's. "where do you want to sit?" Hyunjin asks. "Oh.. um, it doesn't matter to me." I say and give him a small smile. "you guys can sit next to us!" Felix suggests, pointing to the blanket sprawled out next to them. Hyunjin and I claim the blanket they offered and sit down. We all sit and visit for a little bit, while Chan gets the fire going. By now the sun has already set and millions of stars are covering the sky. Hyunjin and I are currently laying on our blanket, starring up at the stars as everyone does their own thing. In our own little world. "Do you think there's other people up there?" I ask. "Like... aliens?" He asks with a chuckle. "people, aliens, cats.. whatever suits your imagination." I say. "well, I suppose we van be the only thing in space." He says with a smile. I agree with him. "Do you want to go for a walk?" He asks. "In the dark?" I ask and he laughs. "Are you scared?" He teases. I quickly get up and huff out a no, causing him to laugh again. "Hey, we're gonna go for a walk." Hyunjin tells Chan. "Good luck." Chan winks. I give him a questioning look before Hyunjin grabs my arm quickly and pulls me away. "what was that about?" I ask. "Who knows with him." He shrugs it off, so I do too. We walk hand in hand for a while, talking about how far we've come since all of this has started. How long we've been friends for before it all. We can't believe it's been almost 8 years of friendship, and to call him my boyfriend now.. is even more crazier. I'm walking with my feet in the water when Hyunjin suddenly stops and looks at me. "is everything okay?" I ask. "everything is perfect." He says with a warm smile. "why'd you stop?" I ask with a chuckle. "Because I love you..." He says. "and I love you." I say back. "and i want to spend every single waking day I have with you, you're the most beautiful, caring, smart and perfect person I've ever met y/n.." He carries on. "And I don't know what I would do without you by my side." He reaches into his sweater pocket, pulling out a small jewelry box. "Hyunjin..." I whisper in shock. Hyunjin opens the box, revealing a beautiful diamond ring, before getting down on one knee. "Y/N, will you marry me?"

~~~~~~

Tag list: @greysweaters-blog @mimihwang248 @armystay89 @berryberrytan @multeciahucho @poetrycassie @nobody3210 @straykids5star @mabysblog @yaorzu-blog @elizalabs3 @abby-wanna-bangchan @lyracarvahall @silencionyx

To be continued…

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redxixi · 1 year ago

Note

Ok hear me out. The reader is a new teacher at UA and tries getting on all the teachers good side but aizawa is so good at keeping his emotions hidden she doesn’t know if he likes her. After the training camp incident they move into dorms and she lives with aizawa but they have seperate rooms to sleep in but everything else is shared. And during this time Aizawa “hating” her more as he always lectures her and gets mad at her so she’s convinced he practically hates her. She ends up hating him too cause he starts making her do more work. He ends up training her and she hates him even more since he wasn’t going easy and just gave her bruises or something. Then one day she was in the lounge room for their shared dorm area and she was doing something and aizawa helps her do it and BAM. she develops a crush and…. (Add ur own ending and twists because I know I’ll love it 💕💗) (also sorry this is long)

AHHAHDWJ ANON weird way or proposing but i accept. litterly AMZING. I did make this pure fluff tho so i hope you like this<3

`♧ : aizawa x reader

`♤ warnings : fluff, some unholy thoughts, some broken shi

~ summary : aizawa never hated you and he showed that when you got physically hurt.

as a new teacher in the best hero school you had to make sure to work extra hard and be friendly to everyone. aizawa made that difficult, whenever you would aproach him he would act cold towards you and lately he has been lecturing me for the dumbest mistakes, whats worse is that you live with him in the dorms. he had a problem with everything and it was suffocating. you couldn't stand him anymore, so how did it lead to this.

you were out with the class on the training grounds, training them to learn how to control their quirks better. aizawa obviously had to also be there because he "couldn't trust that you would do this task effectifely". seriously, i mean ofcourse you were new but why'd he have to be such an asshole.

aizawa on the other hands couldn't stop daydreaming about you bouncing up and down on his cock, making you scream his name, telling you love him. honestly he had a crush on you the day he saw you, he was just bad at expressing his feelings and that to you now hating him. couped up in his own thoughts he failed to see the incoming ice bolder todoroki made, but luckyly for him he had fast reflexes and jumped out the way. you were not as lucky.

"AAAH FUCK"

you yelled and he immediatly turned his head to you. you did manage to jump out of the way but you did it late causing you to make a horrible landing resulting to you spraining your ankle hard. immedialty aizawa and the other kids rush to your side.

"Y/N SENSEI are you okaay. im so so sorry for my mistake"

shoto was apoligizing frantically and bowin his head.

"n..no no i should have moved FUCK but its fine. i'll just go to the infirmary and they can fix me right up"

you said smiling trying not to cry. you feel aizawa looking at you so you looked back to him. he wrapped his hands around your waist and under your legs, caushing him to carry you bridal style.

"you kids go back training session is off today. i'll take Y/N sensei to the infirmary"

everyone was devistated but they did as they were told.

"what are you doing. you can put me down i can do this shit by myself"

you said in a snarky tone.

"shut it. im supposed to be supervising you so your my responsibility got it"

several days later you were still on bed rest. you were lounging in the living room of your dorm room and lets say things are different. after that day aizawa has been taking care of you, he makes you breakfast, lunch, dinner, he even reminds you to drink your meds. it was kind of him. he even gets your flowers everyday, he thinks you dont notice when he brings in fresh flowers and puts them in a vase. it made you smile seeing him like this.

he helps you with everything, he was sweet. you open your eyes to see the scorching sunlight. when you turned your head he was there, sleeping, sitting on the couch with you. you had your book in your head and you couldn't believe you fell asleep on his head. you were beat red. luckily he was still asleep but god he looked perfect sleeping, his hair was loose so there were a few strands on his head.

"this is nice"

you say soflty. you didn't want this moment to end. yes he had been an asshole to you but he's helped you alot, and now you didn't want him to wake you. you put your book away and gently snuggled back into him. you could hear his heart, breath and little snore. soon you yourself fell into deep slumber

this is nice.

A/N: TO THE ANON WHO ASKED THIS. thank you. i also dont know how to end this jdkajkqwenjk.

#mha #bnha #aizawa fluff #mha fluff #bnha fluff #aizawa shouta #aizawa x reader #aizawa x you #bnha aizawa #mha aizawa

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speedyartist30 · 1 month ago

Text

The man in the lightning pt5

The sound of pots clanking roused jay from his sleep. Rubbing his eyes, he sat up and looked at the clock non the wall to see it was late morning. Jay eyed his surroundings for a moment before remembering he was in Ethan and Makalos home.

*Right, I got dragged in here by two strangers.*

Looking down he spots his backpack, he rummaged through it to make sure nothing was moved or taken.Suprisingly everything was left alone, Jay wondered how naive theses two men were to openly trust him like this. Taking out his hoodie Jay caught movement in his peripheral to see Makalo peering at him with curious eyes.

Makalo:”Good morning, breakfast should be ready in a few. I also found your backpack outside my window. Do ya need anything?”

Jay nearly shook his head but caught his self and asked if he could wash up first. With a thumbs up Makalo pointed to the room down the hall. Picking up his bag Jay made his way over and ignored the lingering gaze from Makalo as he pointedly locked the door behind him.

Opening his bag, Jay took out everything he needed and started a hot shower, the heat loosening up his muscles.He immediately started planning his next moves and how he would handle this inhumane threat that attacked him head on. However he needed to figure how to actually bear the creature before he could even begin planning on his future. He’s not a super soldier anymore. Once he handled this situation he’ll go into hiding again.

*I need to find the damn thing first. Where do I even start…*

Shaking his head, Jay quickly wrapped up his shower and got dressed. Checking over his injuries Jay pulled a small med kit from his bag and took care of the lingering pains. Then he fixed up his suit and washed it off in the tub by using his powers to speed up the process. With sharp eyes he nodded and stuffed it in his bag and stepped out the bathroom. But before he made his presence known he heard the two men talking about him.

Makalo:“Ethan is that really necessary?”

Ethan:”Yes it is. Mind you we still no nothing about this guy. It wouldn’t hurt to make some notes.”

Rolling his eyes cleared his throat as the two whipped there heads from the island of scattered papers. Setting his bag on the couch Jay calmly stepped into the kitchen and out his hands in his pockets. Sitting in the stool across from them Jay picked up a paper

“Notes huh, that’s pretty impressive considering how spooked you were last night.”

Ethan makes a annoyed face and starts putting his papers into a neat pile, Makalo laughed lightly and handed Ethan a paper he was holding. Taking it from his friend Ethan held his hand out to get his notes back from jay.

Ethan:”Not spooked I was just being cautious around a human taser. It couldn’t be helped.”

“If you say so I already told you I wasn’t going to hurt anyone.”

Giving the paper back, Jay glanced looked down at the spread of food on the table, he felt they cooked too much for only three people. Makalo started up a conversation but Jay didn’t joined and just ate quietly while the two conversed about some game. Jay could tell they were trying hard not to look at him, but the pure obviousness of it just made Jay feel uncomfortable. Thankfully Ethan spoke up when everyone finsihed eating

Ethan:”Alirght this is stupid. We all know what happened last night and frankly I would like to know what hell happened.”

Makalo:”I already told you what went down!”

Ethan:”I know,but Im talking about the fact monsters and superpowers exist now. So Jay if you can enlighten us I would glady appreciate that.”

“Alright just one second.”

In a burst of speed of speed he was gone and the mess made from breakfast was cleaned as dished soaked in the sink and the counters shined spotlessly. Combining a hand through his hair Jay sat in the stool between then and nonchalantly said

“What is it that you want to know?”

The stared for a moment before regaining their bearings, Ethan picked up his notes while Makalo fired off questions left and right. Jay told them about the monster and how he came across it. Then he explained how he ended up passed out in their yard, but when personal questions came up Jay gave vague answers and swiftly brought their focus back to the monster.

Ethan:”So this “creature” is loose right now?”

“Yep, I probably could of dealt with it if the police didn’t get involved, but I faced it so I have a better idea on what I’m up against.”

Makalo:”Ok ok monsters and shitty cops we know let’s get to the good stuff!”

Jay:”What good stuff?”

Makalo:”Your powers bro! Like you can’t just causally use them just now and act like it never happened!”

Ethan:”He just did. Granted I am curious though. What’s it like?”

Makalo:”And what other abilities do you have?”

Tilting his head Jay sighed and set his hands on the island. Taking a breath his green eyes turned gold as sparks started crackling at his finger tips. Makalo eyes widen in awe while Ethan had a analytic look but just as impressed as makalo. Seeing he got there attention Jay started explaining his power.

“I guess the simple way to put it is I can manipulate and create lightning. I can also run at top speeds which you guys already know about. Thanks to that I have enhanced strength,speed,agility and jumping ability. I’m also more durable than a average human being and my senses are sharper too.”

Ethan:”Wow…It’s like you stepped straight of off of a comic book.”

Makalo:”So cool! What else can you do?”

Jay:”Well…I can remove the electric property’s of my sparks to make them harmless. I can also heat them up too if I need to burn something.”

Jay let them touch the sparks to prove they where harmless and then he heated it up to the point his hands steamed to show them how it worked.

Ethan:”Interesting, it feels like a warm vibration. Does your power work like normal electricity?”

“Yeah, I can control how much power I can use so I don’t short circuit everything I touch.”

Makalo:”So like a changer?”

Ethan:”That’s one way of putting.”

Jay raised a eyebrow as the two snickered, he felt his own mouth almost twitch into a smile,but he stopped his self. Letting his power fade Jay stood up and walked to the living room to get his bag. The tv still showed video of jays encounter with a news headline saying,”Can the man in the lightning be trusted? Friend or foe?”

Makalo:”I swear the news is always trying to find someone to blame when things get tough. Don’t listen to them Jay.”

Shaking his head, Jay faced the two and gave a short bow.

“Thanks for letting me stay here and rest, but I need to get going. That monster is still on the loose and with the news broadcasting my fight like this things are going to get out of hand.”

Makalo frowned when he saw Jay grabbing his suit out his bag, in a flash of speed he was suited up and was pulling his hoodie back on.

Makalo:”Your welcome, but you got hurt pretty bad bro.”

Ethan:”Maks right Jay. Fighting that thing would be suicide. And with your injuries you are in no shape to be running around, let alone fighting. And based off your description on this monster it seems to want to drain your power.”

Crossing his arms Jay frowned and argued..

“I’m fine and I already know that thing wants my power, but that’s not doesn’t change the fact that it’s still out there.“

Checking over to make sure his pants and hoodie covers his suit jay glanced at them and sighed.

“Look I know what I’m doing and I’m aware of the risks. But this situation isn’t something I can sit back and think over, this isn’t a movie. If I’m not out there when it strikes again a lot of people are going to die. The only reason no one died last night because I kept it’s attention away from everyone.”

Zipping his bag closed Jay felt a hand on his shoulder to see Makalo smiling determinedly as he voiced out his idea.

Makalo:“Me and Ethan will go with you. You said it yourself that you just got here. Well Ethan and I know this city like the back of our hands. We can help you out Jay and it’ll be faster have six eyes instead of two.”

Ethan:”He’s not wrong Jay and I can send my drown out to help speed up the search too.”

Jay thought about it and they had a point, he didn’t know the layout of the city, he realized that during the fight last night when he kept running into dead ends. Fidgeting with his hair Jay gave a short sigh.

“Fine…But you two need to do exactly what I say in case something happens.”

Ethan:”Got it.”

Makalo:”Hell yeah! Let’s go hunt us a monster!”

*I hope I don’t regret this…*

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mostspecialgirl · 3 months ago

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i dont think i can do “artist spaces” anymore because i’m really stupid. - ramble post with no point or central focus aside from making myself feel less weird

like…. i’m stupid. and i like it! But every artist i meet is like some kind of super genius and irs kind of nuts, everyone’s got such vision and intelligence and honed skill and all these interesting things about their lives and practice away from the arts and i’m some kind of inert orb who doesn't have much soul in her work aside from "isnt this cool like a animes" or "this is how im feeling". at least when it comes to Drawinf a Pitures.

i can deal with spaces where everyone’s just hanging out and Some People Happen to be Artists but spaces primarily composed of people steeped in the arts actually remind me that i'm a socially inept cavewoman who barely knows how to use the microwave. sufficiently talented artists ('sufficient' referring to people who have labelled themself an artist and have been online for more than 2 years) who i end up talking to online are 80% of the time some kind of Art Student Med Student Math Prodigy or Mentally Ill Genius Socially Inept Outsider Artist with insane Honed Unique Skill and when you apply that 80% to a whole lump of people in a GC or a Discord Server where the other 20% don't really talk there it gets real mentally exhausting as someone generally quite unimpressive and classically unskilled.

i dunno. I just kind of find it interesting that people with such talent, skill, wit, and (as ive repeated endlessly) intelligence are always drawn to the arts. a lot of my friends ive made who are very smart people ive learned 3 years into the friendship they used to do painting studies and are some kind of closet picasso while ive been showing them my meager collection of shale and sediment. is the pursuit of the artistic a mark of something deeper? what must one’s character lack to not seek creative self expression? what separates a creator from a consumer, and the blind from the perceptive? is creating art for the simple purpose of “cool and fun” shallow? does that answer change with ones talent? what is shallow art? is there truly such a thing?

cough

anyway. i’m just kind of a dumb baby, and it makes me sad that i never really feel like i can talk about art with most people because i don’t know anything. i’m not looking for construction or anything, i just want to be able to say “isn’t making something fun” without being reminded of my own inadequacies. i feel like art shouldn’t have to be this “smart” thing, and it isn’t, but art itself draws in the smart, and so like in many other spaces i feel a bit outcasted. obviously the solution here is to talk to MINORS from TIKTOK (gets cancelled)

but i really dunno. i feel stupid a lot these days and i feel like there aren’t any spaces that fit me, even when on paper these should be the spaces i should be in. even off the paper, anywhere i go i can’t help but feel like a bit of a bump on a log. like an erroneously flipped bit. i’m the stray ray from the sun beamed into the nintendo 64. that’s how i feel among other people, no matter who i’m with. it’s strange, because i really do like myself. i’ve passed a lot of the self deprecation and self doubt that used to chain me, and is it strange to say i believed casting those aside would help me find a bit more belonging among other people?

it hasn’t! life’s the same! maybe worse? i’m not self actualized or anything, but i think i’ve really grown as a person, so it’s sort of sucky that i fit better in place as a problem child. well i suppose as the Old Ones spoke, every group needs The Rick Friend. meeting people is hard. wanting to stay among people i’ve met is even harder. i like to blame a lot of it on the Modern Internet and the sheer amount of how many people have invaded my once cozy corners. with The Net these days being less of a space for Niche Freaks and instead being Grandma And Your Little Cousin Just Saw You Post Your Wiener On Instagram i’d think it’s only natural i’m running into less likeminded people. but i dunno. i feel like some of it’s my fault. i’m a weird little giblet of a girl, aren’t i? and man do i EVER hate people. I’m a big hater.

everybody i meet these days just makes me drool because everyone’s some kind of Valorant Edater or Reddit Object Show Minor or The Hypersexual or Someone I’m Too Intimidated By or Someone Who Does Not Want To Be Talking To Me. where’s Literally Anything Else. Everyone i meet these days fits into those categories. Give me anything else. What is wrong with my Spaces

i really don’t know how people make friends online these days. i’m always posting these days about Haha I Need Friends and Haha I Need A Wife that falls endlessly into the empty infinite void (much like now) for a reason. no matter where i seem to go, i walk dragging my feet, half-lidded and unengaged with a soft scowl on my face. i’ll figure it out, right? i’ll certainly make new friends, right? because i have to, right?

i dont wanna go to work tomorrow dude

#leastspecialgirl

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cryptic-science · 6 months ago

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LONG VENT POST. BE WARNED.

i need help. i need help cleaning my room. i do. and ive been so fucking afraid to admit that but i fucking need someone to hold my hand and be gentle with me through the process.

but no, i cant. i cant ask for help, especially not from the person i want help from the most. i cant ask because im not a little kid anymore. i cant have someone hold my hand through everything. thats not how life fucking works. im almost 19. im an adult. i should have the fucking responsibility to keep my bedroom clean.

when was the last time it was actually properly clean ? it must have been what, like, 2018 ? 2019 ? fuck. Fuck. four ? five ? fucking years. almost six, really. jesus christ.

even if she did say yes, even if i could ask her in the first place...you know she wouldnt be gentle. you know she would yell and get annoyed and force you to get rid of things you arent ready to. and youd feel trapped, and scared, and oh so fucking ashamed and guilty. and youd cry and cry and cry and cry. youd sob and youd beg, just like the little girl you are.

she doesnt ask much of you. she never has. you know this. everyone knows this. you never really had to do chores as a kid. not properly anyway. right now, all she wants you to do is get a job and clean your room.

why is this still so hard for you ?she got you what you needed right ? she got you the anti-depressants. she got you the adhd meds. she got you the autism diagnosis. so why are you still like this ? the meds are working, arent they ? why are you still Wrong ? what else could you possibly fucking need ??

all you do is take. and take. and take. you are so fucking selfish. why arent you fixed yet ? why cant you get off your ass and clean your fucking room ? why cant you get off your ass and get a fucking job ? why do you still lack the motivation ?

you are lazy. you are lazy. you are lazy.

how can you live like this ? there is garbage piled next to your bed. there are molding cups on your dresser. there are both carpet and larder beetles squirming through your things.

you have too much shit. you get too attached. maybe you are a hoarder.

you are disgusting. you are filthy.

your hygiene doesnt help either. you changed today but when was the last time those clothes were washed ? when was the last time you showered ? when was the last time you brushed your teeth ? you are vile. you are filth.

she yells because she loves you. she yells because she loves you. she yells because she loves you.

shes been through so fucking much. you know this. everyone knows this. you could have had it so much worse.

she is not the villain. she is human. you realized she was human a long time ago. shes doing her best with what she knows.

would it be easier if you moved out ? you are too scared to do that. maybe, itd be easier to clean your room, though. she doesnt want you to leave either. you know that despite the times shes threatened to kick you out. shes too scared for you to go too. you cant live with her forever. you know this. she does to. shes said that phrase to you many times. you are too scared to leave. you cant handle change. its safe here. youve been here for so long. its familiar. its close to most of the important places you need to go. it took you such a long time to be able to memorize the paths in order to get to them. you cant drive. everything is perfect here. its safe. its safe. its safe.

the pear tree was cut down. it was planted long before you ever lived there. part of you thinks that maybe its a sign. you arent too sure for what, though.

you are trying not to cry. you dont want to cry. especially not right now.

she says she doesnt think you are a disappointment, but how can that be true when all youve done, your whole entire life, is dissapoint her ? you have failed at every expectation and want she had, and still has, for you.

you were born this strange and rotten thing.

but she still loves you.

and you love her too.

you need a job. you should be using this time to look for a job. you are scared. you need to stop putting it off. you need to stop lying whenever she asks if youve been looking. youve applied to a few places but, you only got hired once. and you quit after a day and a half. it was Too Much for you. you were scared and your body hurt and the job was too fast-paced and it was all so fucking overwhelming. so you ran from it. you gave up.

because you are a coward.

you can count on one hand the amount of interviews youve actually gotten.

why is this so hard for you ? why must there be so fucking much wrong with you ?

just do something, please. anything. any job you can get your hands on. you need it.

why arent you doing it ? why ??

you want to be better. you want so fucking badly to be better, in so fucking many ways.

you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better. you wish you were better.

i want to learn how to be better.

i dont know how to be better.

i dont know where to start.

i dont know.

help.

#vent post #long post #clowns around evilly #before anyone worries im fine just having a bad time right now and needed to yell into the void

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mydemonsdrivealimo · 2 years ago

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What I'm Becoming

Book: Open Heart

Pairing: Bryce Lahela x M!MC (Jensen Valentine)

Rating: T

Warnings: in-depth talk about contamination obsessions/compulsions, therapy, medication, and depression

Word Count: 3681

Summary: The year after book three, Jensen's taken over the diagnostics team. For a few months, things were great. Work was great, his friends were great, things with Bryce were great. That is, until he gets a particular piece of news from his therapist that has him disrupting all his routines, making poor decisions for his health, and starting a slow downward spiral into a pit he has visited one too many times. It clouds his vision more than he's willing to admit, but, maybe, with the help of his loved ones, he can make it back through.

A/N: prefacing by saying that i know the therapy session is not accurate, nor are some of kolleen's behaviors/methods professional or safe; i do not give a shit. i just needed it to progress the plot, accurate or not. also, i know this is a long read, and thank you to anyone who even opens it. i know this is not everyones cup of tea with how much this focuses on jensens ocd, but im very appreciative to any of you who have an interest

title is inspired by "what im becoming" by cage the elephant, so def give that a listen before, during, or after the fic (only if you want ofc)

while i had the idea sitting for a while, thanks go to this ask for making me get off my ass and finish it

~~~

Kolleen was talking, blabbing on about something they were discussing a moment ago but he had lost all interest. He was timing his breaths to every other tick of the clock, thumbs alternatingly tapping on each thigh until they felt even. Teeth clenched tightly, he tried to muscle through the crawling feeling working up his back and far enough that he could feel it in his gums. The room was practically silent other than their chatter yet somehow still too much. He tried taking a drink from his water bottle, the ice cold water grounding him enough to pull him back into the conversation.

She noticed, of course, stopping what she was saying and giving him an up-and-down appraisal.

“What is it?” she asked, knowing how much he hated the niceties and getting straight to the point.

He shrugged, pushing his hands into his pockets, then back in his lap, then crossed over his chest to avoid touching the couch. By now, she knew his “I don’t know” shrug meant he didn’t know why everything felt off, not that he didn’t know what felt off in the first place. He was perpetually overstimulated, OCD holding on with a tight grip to all his thoughts and actions, and intrusive thoughts making the worst of appearances. Shocker, he could diagnose the problems just fine, but there wasn’t a cure.

It was never as serious as the bullshit Travis pulled; it never would be. Sure, death wasn’t looming over him, but sometimes it felt scarily enticing. It’d be so much easier if he didn’t have to worry about it at all, didn’t have to spend his only day off in a little office that made him want to vomit. There was never a way for him to just “get better.” He was stuck like this—with this—for the rest of his life, and sometimes that seemed too long.

He had been doing so good. Not perfect by any means, but better than normal. It probably helped that he was taking his meds consistently, but the second she broke the news last session he couldn't bring himself to take them at all.

The last time he was here they talked about alternatives, other methods and mechanisms to try and relieve some of the stress and pressure while he went through the process of switching to the new prescription she had to put him on. They even talked about how cathartic crying could be and almost, just for a second, he started to laugh. He should probably be concerned that it had been over a decade since he shed a tear, remembering the numbness during the trials, the funeral, and his own near-death, but couldn’t bring himself to. Whether it was just an inability or his own subconscious refusal was none of his business.

Kolleen had gotten up to collect a pamphlet and a stapled packet of papers from her desk, offering them to him before sitting once again. They were all informational pieces for a range of new antidepressants, from Anafranil to Paxil.

“Usually I’d just pick one myself, but, given your position, I assumed you’d want to take a look through the options.”

He scanned over the papers, reading the bolded headers and at least flipping the pamphlet over.

“Do you want an answer right now?” he asked, knowing he didn’t have the energy to read through any of them.

“No, of course not. Just try to have an idea by next week, or I can just prescribe what I think would work best.”

He nodded at that, folding up the papers and tucking them in the inside pocket of his jacket. They sat in silence for another minute before she let out a small sigh.

“How would you say the withdrawal has been?”

He knew it would have to come up eventually. He was a medical professional himself, for fucks sake—he knew damn well going cold turkey was not the way to come off of them. All things considered, it wasn’t as bad as it could be, only mild nausea here and there and depression manageable so far (if you could count collapsing into bed after every shift as “manageable”).

“Average.” She gave him a look, and he shot it right back. “It’s not severe but it’s not too mild; just sporadic nausea and the expected depression.”

She accepted that after a moment, nodding and jotting something down. “If there is a next time,” she looked up, “I’d appreciate a call or text before you stop taking them.”

“I know,” he replied, unable to feel anything other than guilty. “I didn’t really try to. I just didn’t take the first one…and then the first turned into the next six.”

She nodded understandingly, asking, “Did you think about it again when the symptoms started?”

He only shook his head, watching her, expectedly, writing something down. He took the moment to check the clock, an involuntary, impatient sort of sigh falling from his lips when he saw that they still had a whole twenty minutes left. Yes, he made the appointment, but, fuck, sometimes they could last forever. She had made the recommendation that they start meeting every week during this transition period, and it was making him hate every bit of it even more.

“Have you gotten out at all? With your roommates or Bryce?”

Again, he shook his head, hopelessly adjusting to try and find some comfortable position while touching the least amount of the couch he could. At most, he said hello to the roomies on his way to his room, and at least waved to Bryce a few times in the halls of Edenbrook.

“How about your hobbies? Have you done any cooking, music?”

And this is always where the depression hit him the hardest. He couldn’t remember the last time he took his AirPods out of the case, not opening Spotify in at least a week and eating no more than an energy bar a day.

“Not really, no.”

She nodded understanding, scrawling something out before looking back up to him.

“That’s going to be your assignment, alright?” she said, point-blank. “Even if it’s just making toast, or listening to a song before bed.”

He nodded. That sounded easy enough. Hell, he didn’t even have to pay attention.

For the first time all meeting, he saw her gaze flick to her watch, taking a breath and clearly thinking over something. After a long minute, she turned to him again.

“Jensen, are you comfortable with me telling you something you don’t want to hear? Or would you rather I wait? I know you like to know our next topic in advance, but if it’s going to be a source of anxiety over the next week, I don’t want to add on more.”

He debated for a long minute. It couldn’t get much worse, but he also knew if she was giving him a heads up, it probably wasn’t great. She knew him well enough by now that he trusted that it was something bad, potentially bad enough to even cause another spiral.

It couldn’t be as bad as the first time, though, right? The first time when he got his heart broken and lost his only hobby—only point of happiness—all in a month. He barely even remembered the weeks following, lost somewhere between the time spent in bed and in appointments to figure out what the fuck was wrong with him while ignoring the emails from professors and notifications about missing assignments. It could never be that bad, right?

“Go ahead,” he said, maybe against his better judgment, but needing to know if he could handle it or not.

She gave him a beat to reconsider. Reluctantly, she started with, “If the new medication doesn’t work how we plan, and your symptoms don’t improve…” She paused, letting out a sigh and clearly debating on whether she should have even offered the chance or not. “…we’ll likely have to start exposure therapy.”

Nothing. Not a thought went through his brain for a whole minute, quieter than it had ever been.

When he finally came to, all he could do was give her one, short nod, looking anywhere but at her.

“Jensen?” she asked, shifting to the edge of her chair.

“I’m fine,” he interjected before she could go anywhere. “It’s just—again?”

He looked back up at her. Technically, he didn’t have to go, right? He didn’t have to do another three hours a week in a tiny room surrounded by the things that made him want to peel his skin off (and he meant that literally).

How much would it take for him to get fucking better?

He took a breath, knowing it was the lack of his meds talking. He tried to talk himself out of it, Kolleen giving him a long minute to try and sort it out himself. It took him a moment, but he managed to sort his thoughts for the minutes, breaking it up by things that were going to happen and things that only had a chance of happening.

“How are you doing?” she asked after a long beat.

He just nodded, taking another breath before answering, “Good. Fine. I’m okay with that.”

She gave him a small, proud grin, settling back in her chair.

It only took them a few moments to finish up after that, Jensen feeling much better and, frankly, pretty damn proud of himself.

Unfortunately, that high didn’t last as long as he hoped it would. He told himself one bus ride would be okay, he would only have to wash one hand. But, what if the seats were open? Wouldn’t it be weird that he was the only one standing? It was the late afternoon on a Tuesday and, though Boston’s public transit was usually bustling, there was too much of a chance that he’d have to sit down, mind already buzzing with the thought of dead skin cells and contaminants and—

His feet started retracting his steps before he could get any further, taking a sharp turn down the route to his apartment.

A long walk later, he took out his keys to the front door, unlocking it and shedding his jacket before he even got it closed again. He pulled the pamphlets from the pocket, tossing it up on one of the hooks and walking straight to his room.

It was dark when he entered; he hadn't bothered to open the curtains that morning. He quickly stripped off his pants next, not letting them touch the floor and tossing them into the hamper in the corner with the rest of his clothes that had been worn outside already. He threw his shirt after it, pulling on a pair of joggers and a hoodie that hadn’t left the house since they'd been washed last. Next, he grabbed the disinfectant spray from the top of his dresser, sending a puff of it over his phone before wiping it off with the designated cloth.

He tossed the papers from his dresser to his desk, not letting them come anywhere near his bed. He was about to sit himself down there before stopping, face feeling particularly oily and knowing his hair would be next to follow.

Instead of falling into bed like he planned, he walked across the hall to the bathroom, washing his hands before coming back to grab another new pair of clothes, and a new set of towels from the closet.

God, when did it get this bad?

He took a quick shower to wash off anything from the outside before collapsing into bed, throwing everything else into the hamper to worry about another day. He managed to grab his laptop from the floor before crawling under the blankets, feeling utterly clean for the first time all day. After turning on some documentary, he pulled the blanket up to his shoulder, letting the mental exhaustion settle in after having to navigate himself to Kolleen’s office, withstand an hour of conversation, then get himself all the way back home. Even thinking about it made him more tired, enough for sleep to take him out in less than twenty minutes.

Hours later, when his slumber came to an abrupt halt, his laptop was still playing through an endless cycle of documentaries, onto one he didn’t recognize by now. Light from the nightstand illuminated that side of the dark room, daylight replaced with a yellow sliver between the curtains from the street light outside. Numbly, he let his hand find its way out of the blanket, tilting the phone screen toward him. He watched it ring for another minute with Bryce’s name displayed on the screen, eventually swiping to decline and letting it thump back onto the nightstand.

As he pulled the blanket back over his shoulder, it buzzed again. Picking it up, the new message read, “totally spoiling the surprise but i brought you dinner and your front door is locked so,,”

“and don’t pretend you didnt ignore that call on purpose.”

He let out a short, soft sigh. The thought of prying himself out of the covers sounded completely exhausting, walking to the front door nearing on impossible. Faintly, and after pausing his laptop, he could hear Jackie’s voice from her room. He sent her a quick text to let Bryce in, sliding the phone back and pulling the blanket up again.

His eyes weren’t even focused on the screen by the time a blinding bright light spilled in from the hallway. After the room darkened again, there was some rustling and shuffling among Bryce’s greeting, the bed dipping down behind him as he kissed his shoulder then temple. Rubbing his eyes, he could only hope that he could pass it off as tiredness.

Somehow he managed to turn around, feeling a lot like jello or pudding or some other lifeless form of sludge. He let his arms wrap around Bryce, pulling him in for a sleepy sort of hug and burying his face into his neck. He, thankfully, smelled strongly of his stupidly expensive shampoo and soap, roots of his hair still wet from a shower. Bryce let out a content little hum, happily pressing a few kisses along his face before reaching over to click on the nightstand lamp.

“Do you want your dinner now, or wait a little bit?” he asked quietly, thumb gently grazing over his waist after he settled behind him contently.

He let out a feignedly-sleepy hum, letting his head fall back into Bryce’s chest. Even having to get a word out seemed like a herculean task.

Bryce pressed a few more kisses behind his ear and down his shoulder before squeezing him in tight. His hands mindlessly wandered up and down as he rested his chin on top of Jensen’s head.

Ah, shit. Jensen didn’t even know what he did to give it away, but Bryce being this snuggly and this quiet meant he figured that something was off.

Not saying anything at all was probably the way to go; it had worked all those years prior with his mom and other relationships.

In all honesty he didn’t exactly know when it started. He would have to use both hands to count the amount of events that could have triggered it, everything from childhood sickness, to moving to a new country, to the college mental breakdown he liked to describe as “minor.”

College was the first time he had gotten anywhere with his diagnosis, at least. The court-mandated sessions years prior were pretty much bullshit, just making sure he didn’t plan on murdering anybody but having nothing to do with his own wellbeing.

That was also the first time he had to sit through exposure therapy, hating every goddamn second of it but knowing it would be worth it in the end—because it would just be over with.

But things could never be that simple, could they?

At least, before all this, he could pretend it wasn’t happening. He had it down to an art form, masking all the racing thoughts and uncomfortable situations. Nobody had caught on for years, his mom never picking up a trace and past partners probably not giving enough of a shit to ask. It was easier like that—keeping people at a distance through easy conversation and practiced redirection—and he knew he was giving his friends the same treatment.

But then there was Bryce, always studying him a little too long and caring enough to make sure a round-table question got to him, too. The lingering gazes and smiles somehow managed to fall his way. They melted into something more sincere, more loving, than Jensen had ever seen him give someone else. Bryce’s unfazed, unbothered, completely overconfident attitude simmered down to something heartfelt and genuine for him.

And what the fuck was he doing to him? He never asked for this, never wanted whatever the fuck this was. Sure, Jensen skipped a few doses here and there, but nothing like this. Bryce wanted something—someone—fun and spontaneous, and, yeah, he said he fell somewhere along the way, fuck knows Jensen did too, but he never signed up for this. Nobody wants to deal with the self-sabotaging fool who decides to quit the only thing keeping him in one piece.

Jensen didn’t even notice Bryce had been talking to him, eyes unfocused and staring somewhere across the room, sickening guilt settling in the bottom of his stomach. He could feel Bryce’s hands warmly wrapped around him, coming undone as he leaned back and gently pulled him by the shoulder. Jensen finally managed to look up at him as he asked, “Jensen, what’s going through your head right now?”

He could only muster an, “I’m sorry,” instead of answering the question.

What kind of fucked up person could leave him in the dark like this? Jensen hadn’t told him anything, about not taking his meds, about the increased therapy sessions, about any of it. He was supposed to love him—he did—but did he even have the right to say that when there was so much he wasn’t saying?

Bryce gave him a confused little look, and Jensen should’ve started apologizing again. “Sorry for what?” he asked, still with a little smile on his lips.

Jensen managed to sit himself up, putting a little more space between them. He considered his words but wasn’t quite able to make eye contact when he finally got them out. “I’m not taking my meds.” That didn’t seem to clear up any of the confusion on Bryce’s face.

“Okay…?” he answered, clearly knowing that this was a much bigger deal to Jensen than it was to him.

“I have to change my prescription, and I stopped them too fast. I’ve been going to therapy every week now and I can’t even fucking ride the bus and now I might have to start exposure therapy again.”

Bryce considered for a long moment, giving him an understanding nod but still not wiping the confusion from his expression.

“Thank you for telling me,” he answered, but the tone of a question lingered on the end.

Jensen looked up at him for the first time since the start of the conversation. “I should have told you earlier,” he said defiantly, like he was saying exactly what Bryce was thinking.

Bryce only gave him a look. “No?” His hand moved to Jensen’s knee, thumbing over it while continuing, “If you weren’t ready to tell me, you didn’t owe me anything.”

“But I do,” he answered practically before Bryce could finish. “You should’ve been the first person to know. You’ve done so fucking much for me, and you shouldn’t have to deal with all of this shit; you’re already throwing away time you could be spending with friends to sit here and listen to me whine—”

“Hey,” Bryce interrupted with a soft tone, hooking his finger under Jensen’s chin and tilting his head up so their gazes matched. “Jensen, I’m not ‘throwing away’ anything because of you. I’m not obligated to be here, I’m here because I want to be. I’m here because I love you.”

And maybe Jensen didn’t deserve that much.

“…But what if you don’t love this version of me?”

Jensen had never seen Bryce’s face fall so fast. He was utterly still for all of a second, looking for something, anything, in Jensen’s eyes that said this was some sort of joke. He tried to start talking a few times, stopping over and over again before finally going with, “Jensen, I have loved every version of you since I met you, and I will love every version of you for the rest of my life.” He didn’t break eye contact the whole time. “I don’t care how bad things get. What matters is how I can help and if I can make any of this easier for you. Nobody could get through this without at least a hiccup, and you sure as hell aren’t magically going to go from point A to point B unscathed.”

Even though it took Jensen a long, endless moment to realize it, Bryce was right. He needed to get out of his own head for long enough to realize that, taking in and replaying every word until Bryce leaned towards him, Jensen nearly tackling him in a hug. Bryce held him, letting him crumble against his shoulder and squeezing as tight as he could. He easily hushed the apologies Jensen mumbled into him.

They stayed like that for longer than either of them would’ve imagined. Jensen felt like a wreck, both worse and better than before, but knowing he was safe enough in Bryce’s arms to let it all go for one breathable moment.

Bryce finally broke the silence, asking, “Would dinner help?”

Jensen let out a shaky breath and nodded. He sat up, stopping Bryce from getting off the bed with a hand on his waist. His other tucked under his jaw and around his neck, pulling their lips against one another in a sweet, slow kiss, all admiration, reverence, affection, and love underneath.

~~~

tagging: @choicesficwriterscreations @cariantha @ofmischiefandmedicine @jerzwriter

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