#im not physcially or mentally ready

[thecurelover411]

please 🕯️don't 🕯️disappoint 🕯️us 🕯️season 🕯️five 🕯️teaser 🕯️

[realizashuns]

.

[nashvegasswift]

IM NOT READY MENTALLY PHYSCIALLY FINANCIALLY

[itsl]

Long time no see. I've been wanting to write this for a while, but I've been... scared? It's about my relationship. It's not ab*sive (at least in the physcial sense), but I've had about as much as I can take.

I'll start this by saying I've only been in three relationships in my life, none of which were healthy for me. I've been gaslight, shamed and more. And again, it's never been physical. But as I've come to learn, it doesn't have to be physical to seriously affect you.

So my boyfriend (x) and I have been together for nearly 3. I've been with him through a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean through me finding womens nudes on his phone to porn in his youtube history to going behind my back and talking shit about me to someone who put me in a very emotionally dangerous situation. And while the whole time, I've convinced myself that he cares about me, I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't. He's so selfish. He only cares about himself.

X has recent applied for apartment viewings in the capital. I wasn't part of this decision. We've been living together with my mum for maybe 2 years (?). I thought it was just me being petty when he told me he was going to move out. I was upset because I'm not ready, I'm dealing with a lot in the sense of mental health right now, and I thought it was kind of a dick move for him to be thinking about yhe next stage of 'our' life without me. I mustered up the courage to tell him I'm not coming when he moves out, and I even went as far as to explain myself. I said that I wasn't part of the decision, I'm not comfortable making a big move while in therapy and I cant afford to move out (as I haven't had a job for just over a year - thanks covid). He said okay and I assumed that that meant he wasn't going to move out. I was wrong. He told me again a couple of days ago that he was still moving out because he wanted to. I went about telling him how he was leaving me behind (litrrally) and that he was self sabotaging a relationship he had previously told me he didn't want to loose. So now I'm stuck thinking "hey, you work 5/6 days a week and you're going to be living in the capital, an hour of so away. Im gonna see you twice a week, if I'm lucky."

Recently I have been standing up for myself against him too. Whenever he's been interrupting me I've told him I'm not done talking and if he was rudely interrupting me, I'd tell him to shut up. In fact, I just did now, and he snapped his head round and growled at me saying "you shut up". I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared of him. He's so aggressive. He's so rude. It has to be his way all the time, and I'm sick of it. Now that I've started to stand up for myself, we've been growing apart. I can't remember the last time he hugged me or kissed me. And thats not me being dramatic, he genuinely does not show me any form of physcial affection unless I ask for it. And obviously I haven't been asking for it recently because I shouldn't have to. It's sad and I feel like a bit of a place holder (?) in his life. He talks about how he's ready to be a dad, but I don't think he gives two shits if its with me or not. He makes it apparent that he isn't sharing his life -if that makes sense. He's shown me very clearly that it doesn't matter which woman is on his arm, he'll do what he wants.

I got my covid shot a few days ago, and if you've had it or know someone that has, you may know that it can cause you to get a little sick for a few days. I have a weak immune system and a few health issues (which is why I got my shot early) and the vaccine made me so weak and achy. I didnt eat the day after my vaccine and just slept mostly, but I asked X to make me some noodles (the instant ramen) to which he replied "I dont know how to make noodles". This fucking incompetent asshole seriously said he can't boil water and put noodles in it. So, struggling to walk, achy and with the chills (the painful kind that shakes your bones), I went and spent maybe 30 minutes making a 10 (if that) minute meal. To say I was angry would be an understatement. Even my mum thought that was ridiculous. It got me thinking as well. If I WAS to move out with him, and I got sick or I was really ill, who would take care of me? If I couldn't move for some reason or I broke a bone or was bed ridden for a bit, who would take care of me? That asshole wouldn't, I'll tell you that. Not only would he not take care of me, he wouldn't even TRY to. True love my fucking ass. Even tiny little things like asking him to close the bedroom door and turn of the light in the hallway (because he was the last to come in) to which he replies "you do it" while loading up a game on his PS4.

Oh my... not to mention I haven't been given anything for our first valentines day. Yes. Our first. He usually goes away with his family, but this year he was with me. What did I get? Nothing. I got excuses "(he) ordered it, its on its way", "(he) doesn't know why its taking so long". I showed how petty I was by even reminding him when it had been a month after valentines day.

Urggg...

There's so much I want to talk about, I might have to write this in two entries. I get a little sad writing this all. I pretend I don't care, but emotional neglect does actually take a huge toll on a person believe it or not. So I'm sad.

*Part 1 of 2*

♡ L

Saturday March 20

[renzinator-now-blog]

Here’s my new Sole Survivor: Name: Moira “Moxie” Oxford Age:28 Pronouns/Identity: Ze/Zir Agender Ethnicity: Korean-American Career: conscripted into US Air Force Sexual Orientation: Lesbian S: 6 P: 1 E: 6 C: 1 I: 8 A: 1 L: 5 Ze’s a no nonsense, straight forward, punch the problem away kinda sole. They’re smart enough to problem solve, but prefer the “physcial” touch. Brass knuckles and tire irons are zir favorite, and Moxie will never turn down a drink. They’re Ambidextrous, Trilingual (Korean, Mandarin, and English), Hates sweets and children, loves dogs and robots. Ze only talks when ze has to.

Okay The Interesting Part, zir pre-war story: So to fix the crap start story without messing with the start me up mod, ive just head canoned a better reason for Nate, Shaun, Sanctuary Hills, and the disapointingly unrealistic forced career of Lawyer for “Nora” Okay so before being sent out to fight in the war Moxie had a normal life in the city working for the air force as a spy pilot and enemy chatter translator. Not Married, no kids. Then when Moxie gets shot down and shipped home Ze wakes up in the hospital with a whole new fake life. No explanation, no warning, just everything has been changed around them. Suddenly Moxie’s married, not only the most boring man in all of existence, but a man ze’s never heard of, much less met and married. Nate Noname, He talks as if theyve been married for years, calls ze she and Moira, zir birthname. Too weak to fight ze is taken back to what looks like a hastly constructed “American Dream” Levittown cul de sac, almost like a movie set. I mean theyre arent any other buildings anything like these “perfect” show model houses anywhere in Boston. Not to mention its smack dab in the middle of the Minutemen National Historical Park for gods sake. Once there it becomes apparent how deep this deceptive life replacement has gone. There was wedding pictures ze never posed for, knick knacks from their childhood. Their birth certificate, ID, social security card, bank accounts, hell even their answering machine ALL have “her” “married” name on them, even zir voice on the answering machine. Ze calls their parents, just to be congratulated on the wedding, they hang up before ze can get more information from them. All zir old contacts act this way, even ex girlfriends and old friends who know ze would NEVER marry a man. Ze gets desperate and calls zir superior officer in the Air Force only to be told “she” has never been in the armed forces and flatly deny that ze was shot down or ever even a pilot to begin with. Zir dog tags are gone, and so is their hap arnold airforce wings tattoo. The study has a diploma for a law degree in their maiden name. The neighbors all talk as if “she’s” their best friend, a perfect neighbor, baking pies and hosting game night, dismissing zir claims of being Moxie the pilot and not Moira the housewife and lawyer. when ze rushes back to their old apartment a few days later someone else lives there, no record or even the slightest mark that ze lived their for 8 years. Even the specific burn patterns on the counter from zir cooking fiasco, gone. If it wasnt for zir memories ze would have to believe this was always zir life, Moira Noname, wife to Nate, lawyer, homeowner, and social butterfly. Except none of it is true. weeks go by like this, ever new way ze thinks of to get away foiled, always corralled back into suburban hell with a wave and a smile. 2 days before the bombs fall Moxie’s nearly lost zir mind, zir identity. Ze’s starting to doubt their old life. It’s been 6 months since ze woke up, the only anchor Ze’s got left to their old life is the unwavering conviction that this cant be my real life because I would never identify as a woman again, and I defiently wouldnt marry a man. Still, Ze is nearly resigned to this fske life, stuck in a zombie like depression. Nate never wavers, always watching always cheerful, like he cant hear zir cuttting responses to his lovey dovey newlywed talk.Ze decides He’s either brainwashed or extremely dedicated. Ze sleeps on the couch, every attempt at renting an apartment or even a hotel room ending in excusses that the resources are need by the war effort, rooms always full, rental applications always lost. Back to the two days before the bombs, Nate suddenly starts panicing, exclaiming its time its time! Its okay honey ill get you to the hosptial just breathe, forcing “her” into the car off to the hosptial. The doctors act as if “shes” going into labor despite the obvious lack of a baby belly. The give zir something, ze passes out. When Moxue wakes up theres a baby in zir arms and that freak of nature Nate Noname beaming next to zir. He’s named it shaun. Its a real newborn, looking just as Korean as its “parents”. Moxie goes back “home” in a daze, baby in tow. Where did this infant come from, did they steal it from some poor couple, and how can Moxie be expected to take care if it!! Ze hates kids. Moxie cant love this strangers baby, but ze feels sympathy for it, ripped from its real life. Ze wont abandon it entirely, but their is no emotional connection to him. The day the bombs fall feels like a dream. Its like Ze’s walking on air the whole way to the vault, going as slow as possible, seeing the bombs fall would mean it wasnt a trick, even if they killed zir it would be worth it to get a final sense of reality. Nate waits for zir as ze waltzes down the paths out of sanctuary. Whatever or whoever has tied him to zir fate has throughly done their job, he seems to be ready to die for this role he’s playing. The baby, he’s holding it. Nate wont go in the vault without zer. Moxie’s not heartless enough to end the life of an innocent child. If it were only Nate she’d gladly watch that fucker burst into flames. But no, the child hasnt done anything to deserve this. So Ze gets on the platform, relieved when the ICBM screams overhead. It really is the end. Zir’s last thought before the platform pulls them in is “whose guinea pig am I going to be now?”

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR IF YOU DID!! Im gonna leave it opened ended meaning it could either be a really elaborate military experiment on one of their own soldiers to see if someone can be broken through sheer mental force into accepting a reality they know is false, OR ze had an compelte mental break and made up a fake life for themselves, either life could be the fake one. In the military version Nate is a sadistic yet dedicated solider playing a role for science and his country, shaun stolen from some poor couple shipped off to an interment camp. In the mental break version she really was married and pregnant, Nate watching helplessly as his wife looses her mind, trying to keep their life together. So yeah hope you like the idea. I prefer the militsry experiment version myself. I just really like this headcanon as it gives a great explanation for why Nate and Shaun feel so disconnected, distant, fake, or just plain boring from the sole survivor. Esp if youve played more than once. i mean the plot is only interesting the first time, after that i was like shaun who? Fuck adult shaun by the way. hes a stuborn racist bastard.

[jo5huaray]

can i express how i feel today?

why is that everytime someone wants something good in their life.....there has to be something or someone to ruin it? yin and yang? good and bad? without one, you can have the other? makes sense. has too. and if it doesnt, does that make you blind to reality? you living in your own reality where things are make believe? dreamland? how could someone live there knowing that isnt the reality that we live in? would that consume you mentally? and if it didn't, would you actually be living your life? yolo? i mean you would have to actually dream it and make it reality but you necessarily couldnt because you would dwell to much on that reality of yours and get lost in the idea of actually making it. so i guess in terms, you have to know when to leave your box, and expand without losing the fire. hmmm.....you think some people actually think, "my life is actually amazing" when in reality its not. i mean that could be their reality or idea of what life being good is.....just because its different from your idea of a good life doesnt make it any less dumb or not "good" enough. but where im going with this is, can people actually go through life things about what they can be doing instead of what they are actually doing? i mean you have to get to a certain point where you see someone actually try to progress and be like "hey you are doing it!!" or "fucking told you so" and find humor in someone elses bad luck.....but im a strong believer that people go through life not trying to succeed and love to stay in their shell and cry wolf when no one has time for them or can make time. its like are we suppose to wait for you to decide when its time to change. katt williams said it ffucking right when he said it," cant be fucking with people doing the same shit every year" "them people are the unhealthy people that will drag you down" " if you gotta succeed alone then so be it, at least you arent being held back by those who call you their friends"

guess you can say im not in the best mood atm, pretty down, wouldnt say depressed. my kids are happy. and healthy. shit to healthy i think. i do miss them. rather be with them at this very moment instead of this place or surrounding. but things and people are stopping me from that currently. im the type of person who cant get anger constantly.....i have 3 modes. anger and im attacking. anger and i cry because it did it to myself. or happy and burying what i have bury to no get emotional. you dont know how many people have told me you do this to yourself joshua.....like a fucking record thats skipping. and i finally realize the reason i keep making immature mistakes. i cant hate....truly hate someone if they were to mess with my babies. and my dog. and my computer lol. but truly hate someone who done me wrong? i mean my dad use to beat the shit out of me. my mom as well.....mostly females who loved the idea of being with me or wanted to be with me. i cant truly hate none of them....so i guess you can say i relaspe until i figure a soultion inbetween hating them and being their slave. relaspe like a user and my drug is female......well the idea of being in love like they would see me. my idea of being in love and being able to love someone excites me. but it cant be just anyone....definitely cant be anyone. and i tend to jump from one to another because that fizz isnt there anymore. the cheating. the lying......i have yet to have someone constantly keep my entertained like i would think they would want too. i mean the concept of,"if you dont do it someone else will" and most people nowadays settle for it keep the hope alive. that idea of being loved and loving alive.....but why? should the couple understand that concept because how more real can it get? i mean if you dont buy flowers for her someone else will. if you dont make him dinner someone else will. if you dont tell her you love her like people need air and show her, someone definitely will come along and tell her and that and actually mean it. if you dont fucking him or keep him satifisted, you know damn well someone will be waiting for that text saying, "hey wyd" and you dont believe that....its ok eventually you will have to figure it out or be stuck in a constant loop for immature relationship or immature adults who act like big ol babies

i honestly feel like crying my eyes out. or leaving and crying in my truck....what good will that do me? probably make my eyes look like shit and hurt, thus not worth it. even though i know its not worth it, i still feel the sense of sadness growing inside of me. like a sickness you werent prepared for. no medicine can help you and only you can help yourself. but yeah that brings it back to me not being able to truly hate someone. what will hating them get me? make me feel better? temporary? sure maybe but would it be worth it to bring someone down with my lashing of constant bombardement of hateful words and degrading comments? yeah definitely bring their asses to the reality they may not be seeing or what they caused me to do. reaction to their action? not the best choice thats why i choose not to be a hateful person. even though i know some would say go for it. use it to make yourself beat this sickness they call sadness........they been telling me that since day 1 and you think i choose to do it yet? lol i just cant. the cheaters, liars, the "its you and not me", the "i love you but not in love with you" yeah i cant. idk hate me cause i cant stand up and do it. i just dont feel the need to do it. and thats the main reason i slip....relaspe back to the idea of actually being loved by these so called girls.....i cant call you women because you havent shown me enough to actually be a woman. but im not innocent bystander. ive done it all and im not proud it either but i can dwell on it as i do it because why sit here and love someone who isnt texting you or talking to you or attempting to be with you and expect you to sit here waiting with you bent over like you ready about to get fucked? lol literally majority of people want you to wait on them if you are their friend or if you love them....like what shit you smoking.....waiting on hand and foot yet you give me a pinky of time and attention? thats not being mean nor hateful in my opinion. thats just common sense....shit i would expect that if i wasnt fucking or loving a girl i was interested in. thats why i never text first... if im important or whatever ( with certain exceptions of course! lol hey grey areas) then you would make time for me....best believe if you text me or call me, and i find you highly attractive or actually like you, you wont just get one text or two....maybe like a series of questions or a poem lol lol or something to bring you closer mentally and physcially lol but thats just it. you cant race to win and stop racing......keep it pushin! never stop. yeah its alot of work but wtf you think we are here for? to obtain this lifes best by simply hopefully for it to happen? yeah some are fortunated the others but then mostly 99% of people arent that fortunate that others....the bottom, down in the slumps where you either sit there and regret it your entire life you never actually bust the ass to obtain your "reality".

the idea of being love by those who i know cant love me truly like i want to be love consumes me entirely where i forget about the life im living in itself. the life i picture for myself ( and yes my kids as well for those of you who acutally thought i wouldnt picture a life without my bootoo, hot ness, and Jilee) that life i picture does come with someone who actually loves me like ive always preached. i always swapped between one or the other because of negatives or defaults that may have had....or push them away on purpose so i wouldnt have to be the bad guy, and in reality, my reality, i wanted them to be like the previous one. or the next one so jumping from one to another, hoping they would take from the last to be better than the last is only a fragment of my imagnation playing tricks on me. lying to myself to make my reality seem livable with in reality, its not. thus the cycle begins and repeats....jump to this one....oh you wanna be loved forever and be happy.....but cant keep me focused on us. then the next one, oh you always had bad boyfriends and just want someone to understand you, but yet you dont take the time to actually understand who i am or what we actually have to be a couple.....these days people say, "50/50" and yet i laugh my ass off cause these ignorant fools dont understand that it has to be 100/100. hell you can even say 150/150 if you want. if you are those type of highly expectation folks......why would anyone want 50% of what someone has to offer? tell me how that math even makes fucking sense.....tell me how someone is suppose to stay in a relationship or be with someone who they give more than the other? cant do that math because its impossible. actually not impossible, possible just fucking retarded lmao. whoever decides that is only harming themselves and the other person. so lets do that math now 50/50....breaks even with 50 cross the board. so she gets 50 and you get 50. not the full 100...so would would anyone want that?.....meaning you both get nothing in the end with that analogy. 100/50? left with 50.....and ill let you be the guess on whose left with the 50%.....cause if you guessed the person only giving half...you seriously need to go back to 3rd grade and learn the basic fundenmentals of math lmao....ok 100/100? you get her all and she gets your all....that works. definitely can see that working. would have to second guess your love or hers. probably would have time to even think about whats wrong or what could go wrong because you would be in the reality you just fucking made? and the funny part, she would be right there with you!!! lmao making sense now? the 150/150 is for those selected few who are over acheivers and know how to actually give 150% of who they are. think about it.....how could someone give 150% of themselves to another? and no not tissue or blood you fucks.