#im not gonna go ahead and say 100% i have bpd because who knows

[andonutty]

a fool’s guide to coping w bpd

ok so for the record im NOT a mental health professional, im just... someone with bpd who’s coping and thought i’d share my tips. i think making a post like this will a) reach more people, and b) help my friends more than me just offering advice when they come to me for help. bpd affects everyone differently, and i can’t claim to totally understand the struggles of everyone who has it, but if you’re struggling right now and you just don’t know what to do or where to go, i gotchu fam. so without further ado... a step-by-step guide for coping with bpd

tw for mentions of emotional manipulation, self-harm, and suicide. none of it is in-depth, but i figured i’d warn anyway.

1) decide that you want to cope in a healthier way.

this seems kinda strange as a first step, but to me it really is the most important step. living with bpd all my life and being in therapy since i was 10 taught me a lot about willingness. saying “i want to be healthier” sounds like a no-brainer, but it’s actually really difficult. you have to sit yourself down and ask yourself: do i really want to fundamentally change the way i think about situations, about myself, and about other people? am i willing to work on this, even though it’s hard? and am i willing to give up on the unhealthy coping mechanisms i’ve been clinging onto?

i’m being totally genuine here: it took me years to get to the point where i could say: yeah, i really, really want to stop emotionally manipulating people to get what i want. i’m so sick of basing my self-worth on what other people say and do. i’m so scared that i am my bpd, and that there’s nothing else inside me; i don’t want it to be that way anymore. i want to have healthy and fulfilling relationships with other people. i want people to stop being afraid of me. i want to love myself. i really and truly do. and only when you come to that (awful, gut-wrenching) revelation can you actually start helping yourself. if you’re not at that point, that’s totally fine. i had to go through a hell of a lot to get there, and i understand not everyone is there. i wish everyone who can’t make this decision yet the best, but i really don’t think this post will be the miracle cure you’re hoping for. you can still read it for sure! i’m just saying that this first step was an extremely necessary one for me, and the next steps get a lot easier once you make this decision.

okay, so you’ve come to the realization that you really, really want to learn some new coping mechanisms. where do you start?

2) look into dbt (dialectical behaviour therapy).

ok. i’ve been going through dbt for a while, and i swear to god, it’s good. dbt was made for people with bpd, and it’s different from cbt in that the skills aren’t just cognitive. there are four sections of dbt skills: mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. it may seem overwhelming, but all these skills are very practical and don’t just focus on “hey you’re thinking this? stop it.“ if you have access to a counsellor or therapist, ask them about dbt. if you don’t have access, try to find some stuff you can work on online. i did a quick search and found three sites (one, two, three).

if you have a therapist or counsellor that you can talk to about this, feel free to skip the rest of this section (or read it so you can surprise your therapist with your knowledge). for those of you who don’t have someone to guide you through this, i’m aware all these skills seem incredibly daunting. my recommendations for beginner skills are the following:

PLEASE skill, or reducing vulnerability to emotions (under emotion regulation)

nonjudgmental stance (under mindfulness)

stop, tip, distraction, or improve skills (under distress tolerance)

dear man or myths about interpersonal effectiveness (under interpersonal effectiveness)

reducing emotion vulnerability was the first skill i started working on. when i was first diagnosed with bpd, i was working at a restaurant without any meal breaks. i’d have meltdowns at work and after work, and it took this skill for me to realize that i needed to pack a snack or eat right after getting off my shift, because i was most vulnerable to my emotions when i was hungry or tired. when you understand how food, sleep, exercise, mood-altering substances, etc. all play into how vulnerable you are to your emotions, you can start thinking more clearly about situations and you can start coping ahead to reduce that vulnerability ahead of time. you’d be surprised how much this one helps.

nonjudgmental stance is probably one of the most helpful skills i learned. one of my therapists put it this way: if bpd is an allergy, then invalidation is the allergen. meaning: the thing that’s going to irritate your bpd and trigger problem behaviours is invalidation of emotions. it’s shame, and judgment. everyone judges themselves (which isn’t really healthy, but it is a part of our societal structure), but for us? that shit hurted. i can’t count the amount of times that i’ve been crying and then thought something like “god, you’re just so pathetic“ and started crying even harder. our impulsive behaviour and the decisions we regret almost always stem from a core feeling of being invalidated. remember that time that you were talking about your feelings to someone and they seemed dismissive, so you decided you hated them with every fiber of your being? yep, me too. that’s us reacting to invalidation. in general, we don’t really validate ourselves. quite the opposite! most of the time, we tear ourselves down and expect others to fill that void for us. (a lot of people do this, but it’s really problematic for us in particular because of our generally self-destructive behaviour.) so learning to be compassionate with ourselves is a really important step to take. if you like meditations, look up loving kindness and self-compassion meditations. rain is also a really good meditation to do, but i think it can be really painful to do when you’re just starting out. i’ve linked it at the bottom if you want to check them out, but try not to overload yourself! just stick to one you really like.

stop, tip, distract, and improve are all really good skills to start out with because they’re skills you use for when your skills run out. if you find yourself really struggling with crisis situations a lot, these are good to start out with. they’re specifically meant to calm you down, to get your emotions and adrenaline to a manageable level. if you struggle a lot with engaging in problem behaviour under stress, this one is golden. i used to struggle a lot with substance abuse, and these skills were lifesavers. instead of going right for the substance, i’d use stop. i’d distract myself for a while, surf the urge until the wave of emotion passes. then i could use skills like please by getting something to eat, or dear man by addressing the interpersonal problem with a level head. and on that note...

dear man / myths about interpersonal effectiveness, which is a great skill if your main problem is about asking for help or establishing boundaries. i used to have a lot of problems about asking for things properly (hence my habit of emotionally manipulating others to get what i wanted or needed), because i felt that if someone said no to me, i wouldn’t be able to handle it. or that people would hate me if i asked for things, or that i should be able to handle things on my own. in a way, it felt easier to rely on making others feel bad for not doing more for me rather than to ask outright. these myths are hard to unlearn, but it’s a good place to start if your main trigger is about boundaries or asking for help.

ok, so you’ve started working on a skill. a skill. don’t burn yourself out here, it’s okay (and more productive) to just focus on one instead of trying to change yourself overnight. and on that note...

3) be kind. remember change won’t happen overnight, and keep going.

this one is difficult, because... like, it’s not gonna be easy. i remember i used to have meltdowns and think, “no. i’m tired of being skillful. i’m tired of being the bigger person. i’m sick of this.” and that’s why the first step is so important, because you’re going to need that resolve to say, “hey, i haven’t engaged in my problem behaviour for so long. let’s not start now. i know it’s frustrating, i know it’s so easy to go back to what we know, and at the same time, i want to be better. i know i can be better.”

and even if you do engage in that problematic behaviour again (which, let’s face it, you probably will, because no one is perfect and everyone messes up, and that’s 100% okay), you need to remember this and be compassionate with yourself. everyone messes up. everyone says things they don’t mean to. everyone does things that they regret. everyone falls into old patterns from time to time. what’s important here is to stop beating yourself up over it and start doing something different. if you went back to self-harm, if you started calling up everyone you know and threatening to kill yourself, whatever it is — don’t conflate yourself with the behaviour. instead, take ownership of it. make amends with those you hurt instead of running away or self-sabotaging, think about what happened and try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. slip-ups happen to everyone. literally everyone. so please try not to be hard on yourself if it happens. be disciplined, but not harsh. i promise, beating yourself up over mistakes is only going to hurt you and everyone around you.

conclusion

if you’ve read this far, thank you so much for doing so. i know that when you’re in the thick of it, it’s so hard to imagine yourself having a future, to imagine that you can make friends, keep people around, be anything but the sum total of your perceived failures. but you can. it’s difficult, believe me, it’s difficult, but it’s possible. and i believe you can do it. and trust me, there’s no way you’re going to disappoint me, no matter how much you feel like you’ve fucked up. if you can, just try it out, and i’ll be cheering you along every step of the way.

more resources, if you’d like them:

in general, this site is pretty good for handouts. and again, here are the three sites i linked above (one, two, three) that i found through a cursory search. 

also, look into unhelpful thinking styles if you want. this is the worksheet i have, and it’s genuinely really useful. i keep it in my workbook and look at it to remind myself of when i’m unintentionally using them.

russ harris, who talks a lot about living a fulfilling life. here are some videos of his that i really like (internal struggles, the choice point, the struggle switch).

jon kabat-zinn and mbsr (mindfulness-based stress reduction). seriously if you’re into mindfulness this guy is so good. 9 attitudes in particular is a video i personally really like.

the aforementioned rain meditation, by tara brach. this one is all about learning what you need and providing it for yourself. it’s part of the larger loving kindness and self-compassion umbrella.

kristen neff has a website with self-compassion exercises, as well as books and such that she’s published. if she’s not your style, search up loving kindness or self-compassion meditations and i’m sure you’ll find other people that you might vibe with more.

i know brené brown deadass exploded in popularity a while back, but there’s a reason she did. all of her stuff about shame is incredible. here are two of her ted talks that hit different for me personally (listening to shame, the power of vulnerability)

also, if you can... maybe invest in a dbt skills workbook. i use the actual marsha linehan dbt skills training book, which can be a little complicated, but it works for me because my therapist is there to explain it. i’ve heard good things about the dbt skills workbook by matthew mckay, but i’ve never used it personally so i can’t attest to how comprehensive it is. if you can go to like, an actual bookstore and flip through the pages, that’d be ideal. but since we’re in a pandemic, idk how feasible that is. i’m not really a self-help book kind of person, but i’d recommend authors like pema chödrön, brené brown, kristen neff, and russ harris (and jon kabat-zinn? does he publish books? if he does then i rec them). if you’re in a post-secondary institution, try checking your school’s library! i’ve found a few books there. also, public libraries tend to have some of these books too. so if you don’t have the money to actually go out and buy these books, i’d suggest borrowing books from libraries and photocopying the pages.