#im not even tagging this anymore cause tumblr may have fucked up and put my correctly tagged anti bt

[wilhelmloverera]

There's absolutely no way you think you CAN'T be homophobic because you head-canon a man as gay. He's canonically straight, and you're homophobic. These are just things we know!

Guys, is it homophobic to not like a gay character that is as flat as a pancake with zero chemistry, that’s played by a misogynist? Asking as a queer guy

[caroldantops]

inspired by the ask game i just did, here’s a little compilation of my favorite and the funniest comments ive received on my fics this year, from both tumblr and ao3 

is this bragging? no, im simply posting reviews as if i am making a trailer for my blog.

i could be your favorite girl 

“this was so freaking good. and i think it’s become one of my favourite wanda fics ever. the way it was written was just so incredible, especially with how you built up the sexual tension. i also enjoyed how the tension was attempted to be alleviated by darcy’s quips too. truly amazing”

“Fuck, I’m in love with Milf!Wanda...”

“Holy shit, that was smoking! I really love your writing style, second person perspective isn't easy and you frickin kill it.”

“God I am so deep into the mommy kink it’s not even funny”

please don’t go (i’ll eat you whole)

“To be fair, anyone who's reading this fic needs therapy, so we're all in this together at the very least.”

“I love how this progressed and how you didn’t make it seem like anything wrong was happening until Monica said something. Honestly that’s how I felt despite knowing how this was going to end darkly, there weren’t any serious line crossing red flags that came up until she said something. And it was a shocker when things changed so abruptly. I loved this.”

“also,, is it bad that i really want agatha as my therapist now? 😰 she seems everything i’ve ever wanted in a therapist (and I don’t mean her different..... methods....., i promise)”

“okay... WOW. i loved this. i have a therapist, she’s lovely, but if agatha was offering therapy lessons... phew, i may have to switch!"

“maybe i should take my friends advice and see a therapist....”  

“haha funny i commented this cause my mom put me in therapy. i hope my therapist is hot?😭”

“As excellent as it is fucked up. Five stars.”

hot milfs in your area

“how did i know it was you caroldantops.”

“YES THE GENDER NEUTRAL PRONOUNS IM DROOLING. but also the good girl? only hot milfs can misgender me and ONLY when they’re railing the absolute SHIT out of me.”

“…”

“hey silver what’s it like to own my entire ass asking for a friend”

“don’t mind me just suddenly gaining handywoman abilities to service these women to the best of my ability 🤧”

“pornhub bout to be bankrupt after this”

girls on film

“Who needs pornhub when this is happening. Well done.”

“Cheese and fuckin' rice”

“bitches bros and non-binary hoes we have a new winner for the hottest content on this website”

lemonade stand

“This title is definitely GOLDEN”

“I don't have a piss kink, but this was still hot.”

“I am literally going to punch you in the face for giving me a piss kink. Fuck you.” 

“someones getting scalped. Not gonna say who, but we all know it’s the person who gave me a piss kink.”

“Im really dramatic- i dont mean any of it!“

infect me with your lovin’, fill me with your poison

“This is not nasty - this is a GEM! Sweet and sexy, you made an extreme tag somewhat romantic - I mean, what even! So good!!! And I can hear her voice as I read and just... shivers! I never imagined I'd read a kidnapped reader breeding fic and actually wish that would happen to me! I mean, Agatha is so kind and caring, and reader is living the life!“

“ummmm ummmmm ummmmmm ummmmm”

“maybe i WILL let aliens experiment on me....”

“touching some grass won't help me anymore”

“HELLO?!?!?!? I WOULD SELL AN ORGAN FOR THIS!!!! ALL MY ORGANS, I DON’T NEED THEM.”

“I think you might have an Agatha-in-office-chairs kink?“

this isnt even close to covering all the comments in tags and in my inbox that ive gotten that i love as well ❤ all of your comments make me laugh or make my heart grow 3 sizes and going thru all these again made me so happy. thank u all for supporting me thru the year i hope i can write more fics that send u all to therapy in 2022 💕💕

[johnbroutledge]

fyeahbuddie >>> kelly-severide

rambling about fandom/the future of this blog under the cut.

first things first, cause i know it’s gonna be a question: no, i am not leaving 911 fandom. i still love the show and i will still be talking about it and creating things for the fandom. 

that being said, a lot is going to change.  to be completely honest, i haven’t been happy with my tumblr in a while. i’ve been doing a lot of stuff because i feel like i should, because i think it’s what people want, and not because its what nikki wants and it’s high time i quit doing that. i’m a people pleaser by nature and i genuinely would rather be miserable myself than upset or disappoint other people, and honestly, that attitude re: fandom is making me hate it. 

i’ve put a lot of pressure on myself in this fandom. i felt obligated to gif every new episode and to liveblog and to keep everything up to-date as best i could. i reblogged everything i was tagged in without question, even if if was something that i maybe, personally, wasn’t all that interested in. even when i’d already reblogged 15 of basically the same thing, even when people who don’t follow me and have never spoken to me started tagging me in things and never interacting with me otherwise. i took every single request. i never wanted to be the person who said no. 

i was miserable. 

i literally measured out every single post i made, did i post enough 911? is that too many posts about other fandoms in a row? did i an answer an ask in a way that could possibly upset someone? am i taking too long to respond, will people think im an asshole who ignores them? 

it was around christmas i guess, i was sick as fuck with covid and i was in bed, going through multiple daily panic attacks about my health and rather or fucking not i needed to be in the hospital, and still beating myself up about the fact that i hadn’t made gifsets, that i realized how awful my experience had become. 

don’t get me wrong, y’all, please, i love every single one of you. i am so fucking eternally, crazy grateful that 900 of you decide to be here everyday. but i can’t do this anymore. 

as some of you know, ive been struggling with writers block and it’s one of the big things that i’ve wanted to work on getting through this year. the thing that got me through covid and christmas was this incredible special outer banks fic idea that @daisiesandmoonlight and i have built, that i love so incredibly much, but i literally have talked myself out of even trying to write it because i felt like my first fic back into writing had to be buddie. 

i’m over that too. so, here’s how the future looks for this blog. 

-this blog is multifandom. completely. it will no longer be 99% 9-1-1. i will still be posting/talking about, and creating things for 911 fandom, but it is no longer my sole priority. my interaction will probably go way down as incorporate my other fandoms in earnest.  -i will be making gifs, but when i want to, for what i want to. i will no longer be holding myself to a strict “i’ve gotta live gif every episode” schedule. i will no longer be taking every single request. in fact, i will most likely not be doing 95% of what was in my inbox pre covid. i just, i don’t have the inspiration for it. those of you who have asked for requests via discord, i will still be doing yours for sure.  -i will not be reblogging every single thing im tagged in, if it’s not something im personally into, if im overwhelmed or i feel like there’s just been too much going on, i won’t be reblogging. im sorry, y’all. i really am, i love you and i love being this positive light who always hypes people up, but my tags are insane, especially on show nights, and it’s honestly too much a lot of the time. -if it inspires me, im going to let it. if that means i post 8 gifsets from one fandom in a row, or my first fic back into writing isn’t buddie, that’s okay.  -i will be adding admins to @thebuddielibrary to help take the stress off there. hopefully that is a positive growth for that blog as well <3 -i will continue to be a positive blog in all my fandoms. i will still not be interacting with drama or ship wars or ship or character bashing. that isn’t me and it’s not the vibe i want to cultivate on my blog. 

basically, i’m prioritizing my own self for once. i’m cultivating a blog that makes me happy. i don’t know what that looks like yet, honestly, but im going to find out. and i love all of you, but if you no longer want to follow me, i completely understand. you’ve all gotta shape your own experiences too, and i get that. 

in short: this may not be my final form, but it is my first evolution.  thanks for listening guys. and thanks for being here. tagging some mutuals so maybe i wont get lost. 

@ashavahishta @maygrant @taylor-kelly @briinstardust @sopheliza25 @bvckleydiaz @burzekbrettsey @gilbxrt-blythe @selenaurrr @matan4il @tylerhunklin @deareddie @doctornineandthreequarters @buttercupbuck @hennwilson  @siriuslyjamie @tarlosbuddie @whattarush @evanbuckleyed @evaneddie @herodiaz @nymika-arts @firefighter-diaz @maurawrites @malikjavaddzayn @captaincasey 

im sure i forgot someone so please signal boost this!!! 

[sunball]

Hi💫💓. I have a confession to make. Nothing too serious tbh. This is going to be lengthy. I created a Tumblr acc a while ago but, I was never active on it. I preferred to guest browse, you know. I would lurk around in the tags and read stuff. But, I never actually interacted with the posts. Ever. One day, I was doing the same thing and, I came across your blog. I LOVED reading your posts. You came across as an authentic and outspoken person to me. Your blog's aesthetic stood out to me. I could see that it was an expression of yourself. I could see the effort you put into it. I kept coming back to your blog and ended up finding some other wonderful blogs through it. After a while, I ended up traveling. I didn't have data or WiFi access at the time so, I couldn't read any of your posts. When I returned, I couldn't find your blog for some reason. I low-key freaked out. I am not sure how to explain this to you but, I have ALWAYS struggled with communication. It made me SO anxious to the point that I couldn't even imagine being on social media. People say that interacting with others on the Internet is much easier than face-to-face communication but, to me, it's all the same. At the end of the day, I am always wondering "Was I rude?", " Did I even make any sense?", "What are they going to think of me?". It is such an irrational fear but, I can't help it. After coming across your blog, I decided to check my natal chart, and lo and behold, I have Saturn in the 3rd. After finding out that you had the same placement, it gave me some kind of hope? That may be, someday, I would be able to express my thoughts just like you do. I really respect the efforts you put into your blog. I admire you for that. I really do. Okay, let's go back to the story. I eventually ended up finding your blog. I made up my mind to finally tell you that I loved your blog. I think I send you an ask. I think. But I decided to redo it cause' I felt like the first one didn't do justice. So here I am. I don't know if you will ever actually read this. Even now, while writing this, I am freaking out! I know I am anonymous but, my anxiety doesn't give an f. I want you to know that you are doing great. There are lots of people out there who appreciate what you do, and I am one of them. I hope you rise amongst all perils and achieve all your dreams. Thank you for being yourself. 💛💛💛

Hold up, I was supposed to make a confession, right? Okay so, I used to hang around with a cockroach as a kid. Let's call it bestie. Feels weird to say it, but bestie was actually well behaved? I used to sing songs for it and stuff. Our friendship lasted for a grand total of two days. Bestie was a great roach. Best of all?? It didn't fly. Yap, that's it. I don't know if you will read this but thanks for listening.

omg anon🥺🥺 I’m speechless aahhh aakdhjdg this means SO much to me. you made my day. you made me smile and tear up wow. thank you so much for taking your time to write this. im feelin super special rn hehehe just reading your words makes me feel appreciated 😭 I’m guessing you found my blog when my URL was ilyneptune? I was shadowbanned so that’s why you couldn’t find my blog, SORRY ABOUT THATTTT! I’m glad we found eachother again though :D

I totally get what you mean about the communication part, as a child I was really quiet and did not talk to my family or my friends much. at school I was the most awkward person and was labelled as stupid because whenever I got picked on to answer questions, I would just stutter and answer something stupid 😭 just speaking makes me feel like choking even if it’s just a simple hi. I also used to not like talking online too, I would leave messages unread and ignore them for weeks and I absolutely hated calls (I still do). I also take hours to write a paragraph. saturn in 3rd house things I suppose 😔 but actually, this year my communication got so much better. I stepped out of my comfort zone and made this blog. not so sure what made me do it but I’m glad I did it anyway. now I’m arguing with people in comment sections and I’m not afraid of being wrong anymore. I guess I just accepted that I’m not perfect and that I’m bound to make mistakes and that everyone is here for the same reason - to learn. would me saying something wrong make me a fool? or would the person laughing at me for being wrong and not asking questions be the fool instead? I actually have 2 quotes on my wall, “speak your mind even if your voice shakes” and “he who asks a question is a fool for a minute, he who does not ask is a fool for life”. those quotes are very important to me and pretty much changed my life :B my dad also helped me ig, he’s kinda cold lol but he told me that people actually don’t give a fuck about your mistakes, they don’t notice the things you notice like your crooked teeth, the way you eat, how you stuttered 3 times or how you messed up your presentation. why? people have their own insecurities and their own life to think about, they’re probably thinking of the exact same thing like “omg did they notice that I accidentally spat when I talked?”. so yeah that helped me too.

I believe that you can overcome these fears! I mean, you’re already doing it by writing this to me :D (which brought me to tears lol). If an awkward bean who barely spoke at school (aka me) can do it, so can you! I believe in you anon ((: it’s okay to be anon I understand! I appreciate you writing this to me (for the 2nd time KAHDH I’m sorry I didn’t get your last ask 😭). but anywaysss I’ll still be here for the day you express your thoughts (and imma listen hehe) I’m a sucker for thaaatttt, hearing people’s thoughts and opinions. I think it’s super fascinating how people think differently and how people can come up with different ideas. makes me just wanna take a look inside their mind KAHDJDH.

okay wth a cockroach HAHSGDGD AND WHY IS THAT WEIRDLY CUTE??? why am I aww-ing at a cockroach I don’t get it AHAHAAH AND YOU SANG TO IT?? WELL BEHAVED??? I’m chuckling here 😭😭 that’s so wholesome. so cuteeee😔 bestie will forever be missed <33

thank YOU anon. I hope you are doing well! I hope to see you againnn 🥺

[boogiewrites]

Choking On Sapphires 79

Characters: Alfie Solomons x Genevieve (OFC)

Title & Song: Baddest Man Alive

Summary:  Alfie takes revenge out on London. He opens up a bit to Tommy about how he feels about the lives they lead and what it means for the women that they’re with. Genevieve wakes. Song is Baddest Man Alive by The Black Keys.

Warnings/Tags: Fluff. Language. Canon typical violence. References to sexual assault and violence. Injury. Vengeful Alfie. Fluff. Alfie and Tommy conversations. 

Click on my icon then go to my Mobile Masterlist in my bio for my other works and chapters. (Had to do this since Tumblr killed links, sorry.) Please like, comment and reblog if you enjoyed it! It helps out us writers A LOT!

Alfie bursts into the best hospital he knows in London with absolutely no grace or manners to his entrance. As soon as Arthur clears the way with the doors he's shouting in his rough, thick Camden accent for the best doctor and nurses in the place and fuck anyone else because this woman was the most important. If Genevieve had been conscious, she would've thought the whole rant was rather charming.

"We need to take her to treat her Mr. Solomons." a nurse says with clear agitation as he sputters his words, not realizing he'd have to let her out of his sight.

As she's taken from his arms, he doesn't want to let go, but both Tommy and Arthur help pry her away and hand her off to the doctors who get to work before shes even hit the gurney. They both stand with the forlorn and lost looking Alfie Solomons, showing that he was indeed human as he stood covered in blood in the hallway with the Shelby brothers hands on either of his shoulders.

"They'll do everything they can Mr. Solomons." a young girl with a sympathetic smile says, holding paperwork. "But right now we need to know some information." she says with a very timid delivery, none of the men even acknowledging her presence, they were all rattled with what had gone down.

"We'll handle it." a familiar voice from the doorway comes as Claire and Polly come with stern looks on their face and headstrong postures. Clearly two strong women who pushed the boys aside to move with the nurse to the back behind the swinging doors.

"Claire!" Alfie snaps out his trance, seeing Gen's body disappear down a hallway.

"I've got it Alfie. If you come back you'll only cause trouble." she answers with no anger in her voice as her hand rests on his chest. "I believe you might have some... business that needs tending to?" she says with vengeful eyes that swing up to meet his under her brow.

"Until I know she's okay I'm not fuckin' leavin'." he retorts with a fast shake of his head.

"That's fair. Wait here and the moment she's settled I will let you know. Otherwise, there is a phone down the hall. There are surely some calls you need to make." she gives him a harsh poke into his chest. "Make the best of this time before people know... what happened." she states clearly, breaking through his heavy blanket of self pity and guilt he was clearly wearing on his face. "Alfie. She needs you to be a strong man right now. And you are. You can do this."

"I know I fuckin' can Claire." he says defensively.

"There he is." she says with a more endearing nod. "Then you need to make some calls don't you? Spend this time wisely."

"Right." he says thumbing his nose.

"I'll be back soon." she says before swiftly turning and following the bewildered looking nurse down the hall towards surgery.

"What's the plan?" Tommy says, with his characteristic cool delivery.

Alfie takes a deep breath. "Gonna call me men. We've got some feet to get on the ground." he says with a strong brow, eyes darting in through across the room. "Let's go somewhere more private, yeah? Not the place to be discussin' such things." he says with a swish of his jacket as he moves down the hall to the phone.

-------

As promised, Claire comes and finds the boys all hunched and grumbling their plans of attack in an empty conference room. She says only one at a time, but Arthur refuses to wait.

"Who's gonna fuckin' tell ME no?" he says, pushing through the doors as Claire walks with her guard up next to Alfie.

Polly sits by the bed, holding Gen's bandaged hand. Her hair was now wet and washed, brushed back and braided out of the way. The light coming through the blinded windows, bouncing off everything that was white and sterile in the single room makes her look even worse, he thinks. Or perhaps that was wishful thinking. He stands at the foot of her bed, staring and unsure of how to proceed. Polly knew Alfie and Gen had been living together, seen kissing in his club, but she'd never genuinely thought he was in love with her until she saw his eyes. Until she felt it pouring out of him as he stood there like a shell shocked soldier taking in the beaten angel before him.

"They've got her sleeping with tranquilizers for now. She needs rest, she'll be in a lot of pain and they're unsure of the damage her brain may have taken. It's all a waiting game for now. But she will be sleeping for quite some time." Polly informs him, slowly moving away as his fingers traced up her leg, as he walked to her side, sitting in the chair by the bed.

"Poor thing." Arthur says with a sigh, rubbing his chin, sniffling at the sight.

"She'll live Arthur. She doesn't need pity. What she's been through would've killed a lesser man." Polly says with a reassuring smirk.

"She's a tough little bird no doubt." he answers as he tries to sneakily wipe away a tear. "I'm.." he clears his throat. "I'm not cut out for this sort've thing no more." he shakes his head and Polly pats his arms gently. "I'll go get Tommy. We'll get to work." he mutters, wiping his nose as his breath is loud and shaky exiting the room.

"Leave us for a minute." Alfie says, slowly taking her hand into his, feeling the cold and clammy skin against the callouses and warmth of his own. He'd cleaned up what he could of himself in the bathroom, no longer caked in blood and filth. Claire puts her hand to his shoulder, making him meet her eyes and share a nod to make sure he would be alright alone before departing. "Chanah." he whispers, his shoulder slumping with his elbows on the bed, her hand to his lips as his watery eyes look over her face that looked so peaceful now around the swelling and discoloration. "I 'on't know if you can hear me, yeah. But I guess I'll tell ya for me own sake." he begins, kissing her hand. "I know this was 'cause of me, right? 'N I know you knew this could happen. But it don't make me fink you deserved it to. I know I deserve the... pain I felt with you gone. But you..." he shakes his head, his lips against her skin. "This weren't supposed to happen to you." he reaches out and touches her cheek and she takes a deeper breath. "I love you. I want you to know that I'm going to kill every fucker that had anything to do wif 'is. Im gonna watch the life fade from their eyes for ya love. Just like you do. I'm gonna salt the fuckin earth and burn down every fuckin' fing. I'm gonna do right by you. You're gonna get betta, and I'm gonna be there, and I'm gonna do what I should've already fuckin' done before that night. Should've proposed the night I met you, eh? I knew you was special even then. I've been blind love. And for that I do apologize."

"I'll have to tell her she's the first to get an apology from Alfie Solomons." Tommy's voice comes from the doorway. Alfie does not react, he keeps both his hands wrapped around her small one.

"They say she will live. But they don't know what damage was done." he repeats the diagnosis.

"Polly said the same. I don't know what weight you and yours hold to our sort of future seeing but she says she will be fine. It won't be easy...but you'll get her back. Which is more than most of us get." he states, looking at the ground.

"I know I sent you flowers for that 'n all. But I would like to say I'm sorry you lost your Grace. I know now." he nods. "I know why you did what you done after that."

Tommy clears his throat, adjusting his posture at the mention of such a thing in sincerity. "Perhaps this will keep you from acting like such a difficult animal now, eh?" he offers. "But this happened because of you and you can"t take that back now. I've been there. But without the luck you've had of gettin' to keep her. And no matter how you act I know you're a clever man. So now you can see what's really worth taking a risk for. You know now what there is to lose."

"Tommy..." he begins, sitting up straight and holding her hand after placing it on the bed. "Imagine...right? Imagine that you could not see at all. You was born blind." he speaks with confident words. "Then one day...you open up your eyes and you can see... everyfing...in the world. When before you could only touch it, or smell it. There it is." he gives a big nod of his chin. "The revelation...innit?" he tilts his head, gazing down at the woman in the bed that gave his life a new, deeper cause for fighting. "I've had one, yeah." he nods slowly, turning his head just the same to Tommy. "This woman here...she's what I've been missin' mate. She's... everyfing. Without her nothing tastes good, nothing feels good, there is no good if she is not here. She’s made me realize the kinda man I gotta be to keep somefin like her in me life. And I’m gonna fuckin be it, yeah. I mighta forgot who the fuck I was. What it is that I truly want outta this fuckin’ life. But I remember now. Havin’ somefin to live for besides yaself will change a man. Knowing the tenderness only a woman can show you will change you as well, mate. As I think you know. Same as all the fuckin carnage and violence we did when we was young. Us… fuckin men, fuckin degenerates what don’t deserve their love. But we aren’t children anymore mate. We’re men who gotta live wif our choices. And I have made questionable ones. But never about her. She’s always been the right one.”

Tommy nods, feeling the sentiment deep in his chest. "Best you keep her close, eh? Our lives...aren't meant for us to have women like them. We don't deserve them, yet we keep them anyway and this happens...or worse." he motions to her and lets out a controlled breath. He takes a moment, Alfie giving a slow blink and a nod of understanding.

“I know what we gotta do now mate.” He says before clearing his throat. “This one here...she’s vicious.” Gives her a smile. “She’d want me out there... not in here feelin’ sorry for her. She hates bein’ pitied.”

“So let’s celebrate her staying among the living by doing just that then, eh?” He suggests, putting his hat back on his head.

“I’m gonna kill every last one of em for ya love. No one's gonna dare think to mess with you again. I’m gonna give them something to remember yeah? Something worthy of a Solomons.” He promises, standing and giving her forehead a kiss. “I love you Chanah. I’ll be back with good news soon.” ------- At the bakery, a small army of men gathered in the confines of the musky space, both Jews and gypsies alike as the Shelby’s lent their hand to the plot of revenge for what had been done to Genevieve. Not only was she the god mother to Charlie and Ruby, she had been tortured for information about them and had not given up a thing. She was sold as a martyr to the men, an example of loyalty and toughness that they could only hope to imitate. Because of her, they were all safe, along with their livelihoods and families, their way of life still under protection and Tommy still in a position of power in Parliament to make sure that those who had supported Horne in his attempts at brushing elbows with any political affiliations, would feel nothing but rejection on every front they tried. Tommy had already been battling the fascists rise, and with Horne having supported their sentiments, gave Tommy another story to tell to add to his persuasive efforts to discredit the supporters of the movement.Tommy in his composed delivery tells the men that today there is no difference between the men all gathered in this room, that they were all an oppressed people and this was a clear attack on them and theirs. It could not go without retaliation. Solomons word was gold and whatever orders he gave they would follow as they acted as a single unit in this moment, putting their pasts behind them to ensure that no one had the nerve to rise against either of them again.

Both knowing that no matter what they did today, there would always be someone out to get them, they still wove the pretty story of ultimate redemption to the more simple and short sighted among them, and the tale served its purpose.

He stands on a soap box, and not as Alfie or Ari, but as Captain Solomons. His voice was powerful and confident, the men riled up by the idea of defending their own against evil, a strategy used by leaders to manipulate those beneath them since the beginning of time, and now was no different. Alfies men that knew Genevieve are ready to defend her. To them she was a small and sweet woman who made the boss more tolerable, a generous business woman who donated to charities and painted and taught some of their children. They couldn’t stand by and let a man like Horne, and thus anyone who sided with him get away with treating a woman, particularly a Jewish woman in such a way.

Alfie tells them of their plans of attack. Find your places, hide your weapons and hold your ground until the signals were dropped. Then, a mass raid of businesses, homes, offices and factories of Horne’s would be demolished and burned. Those that fought them would die and those found within the confines of the walls of the enemy were not to be seen as human, but as direct threats to them and theirs. Alfie was out for blood, and he would have it by his own hand and by the hands of those under his command. As far as he was concerned, this was war.

Tommy only directs, retreating to his home to keep his nose clean of the fighting, having to protect his image. His role of influence was important, and Alfie understood why he couldn’t get get in the muck with them. But Arthur and John, they were rapid attack dogs ready for a fight. It’s been too long since they’d felt so alive and thirsty for violence. Each man, the two Shelby brothers and Alfie take a spot to command, the rest entrusted by faithful men. Alfie took Horne’s offices, Arthur his home and John his most successful business.

At the time their synchronized watches hit the hour as agreed upon, places all over London were raided. Alfie shoots on sight, not discerning who was on the other end of his gun. Arthur is a mad dog who beats the first man he sees to death, making his way through the men that stayed in Horne’s home as he had no family. John and his men shoot and slice, the cans of petrol brought in in twos as they soaked every floor of the factory.

The men all stood with pride, seeing the carnage left behind. They each relish the moment of striking and watching the matches burn before throwing them into the soaked innards of the buildings. All across London fires broke out. It sent a flood of gossip among the residents of bombings of riots. Alfie and the culprits long gone as the people flooded into the streets as the buildings went up in flames, everything lost in minutes. Once word got around as to what had happened with the abdication and the men behind it, The ash made it all the way across the city, carried by the wind as the pieces fell as filthy snow, a reminder to those who escaped that all of London was to fear Solomons. In case they’d forgotten he was not someone to fuck with. They’d remember now. ----- In her separate room with the big windows, Genevieve rests on the edge of waking. Claire rests bedside, lost in thought and studying the wood grain in the door to pass the time, her mind too ragged to do anything too productive. She figures she should get used to waiting, because for a long time to come that was going to be what everyone had to do to see what the lasting damage on Genevieve would be.

The squeak of movement on the bed snaps Claire’s mind out of its trance, worrying about taking over Abeille and telling the school and children’s homes of Gens upcoming long term absence.

For a moment she looks almost herself despite the injuries to her face as she wakes. The swelling having gone down slightly in her bad eye, the lashes flutter as she fights out of the forced unconsciousness. For a brief moment she tries to focus with a still relaxed face before Claire has to see her face contort into an expression she’d never seen on her friends face before, overwhelming fear.

She struggles, trying to knock away someone who wasn’t there, her escaping sounds broken and hoarse from the damage to her throat and vocal chords from injury and screaming.

“Genevieve you’re safe!” Claire says loudly, grabbing her wrists and trying to get in her line of sight. “You’re safe. You’re in the hospital. You’re safe.” She says over and over as she begins to focus on her closest confidants face with her bloodshot and blackened eyes. “Bonjour Genevieve.” She says with a kind tone as she sees recognition behind her eyes now.

She stills her arms, her eyes moving slowly around the room, squinting as she shook her head away from the sunlight coming through the windows, it hurt to look at and she didn’t need more pain. “Ah-“ it comes out as a dulled croak but she tries again, “Ah...fuh.” She tries, wincing at the pain when she tried to speak.

“Shhhh, don’t try to talk. Your throat and vocal chords took a lot of damage. Doctor says it’s best not to talk for awhile... while your body is healing anyway.”

She shakes her head fast, then groaning and the room spinning and nausea coming forth quickly as she reaches up to hold her head. “Ah-“ She begins again, tears starting to fall from her eyes.

“He’ll be here soon.” Claire answers her supportively. “We thought he’d have time to get back before you woke. But it seems you’re too stubborn to even stay asleep with medicine.” She gives her a smile she doesn’t see, reaching up and fluffing a pillow, helping her recline and sit up. “He’s fine. Everyone’s okay.” She says taking her hands as they started shaking as she squinted and stared at them, braces on three of her fingers from them being broken and a tight wrap around both her wrists. “Your hands were hurt, and your wrists.

Genevieve nods in understanding. She touches her ribs and looks to Claire.

“Broken ribs, bruises and fractures, but nothing that you can’t heal.” She says with a supportive nod.

Moving the blankets away Genevieve looks down her legs, the hospital gown having rode up in her struggle. She wiggles her toes, moving her ankles with a pained sound, then her knees which were scraped and bruised.

“Nothing broken in your legs.” Claire clarifies.

Gen takes in a deep exhale, wincing before placing her hand to her stomach, finding all the blood to be gone now much to her relief.

“Yeah there was a lot of blood.” She says quietly, not wanting to upset her further, but clearly she wanted to know what the damage was. ”There was so much they didn’t know what was yours and what was...not yours.” She tries to be gentle and not mention the man that did this to her. “Your body has taken a lot of damage, Genevieve. You’ll need to take medicine and rest for a long while. Only time will tell us what will heal and what won’t.” She explains and puts the covers back over her. “Most of all you need to take it easy because of your head.”

She nods and gets dizzy again.

“Yeah don’t move so much.” Claire says softly, gently moving her head against a pillow. “I’ve kept your records private. Alfie won’t be able to see them.” She begins. “I didn’t know if you’d want him knowing... the full extent of what’s happened.” She explains.

Genevieve gives her an appreciative smile, closing her eyes and taking Claire’s hand.

“I’m glad you agree.” Claire bods and let’s out an exhale she didn’t know she was holding in. “But you’ll be okay. There’s so many people that are going to help you get better. You’ll have the best doctors and care and you’ll feel better.” Her words were laced with sadness but the thud that’s accompanying the headache in Gens head drowns out her hearing from time to time. “I’ll let you rest again.” She says letting her hand go, a pat to it as she sees her settle into her pillow fully. ——————-

Alfie stands in front of the double doors, looking in before he enters. He was utterly exhausted. All he wanted was to go home with her and have this all be over, but he knew that couldn’t happen.

“I knew you two lived together...” Polly begins, walking up to him with crossed arms, her ever knowing eyes to the side as she stands in front of the other rectangular window in the double swinging doors. “But I did not know how much you loved her.” She finishes, seeing Gens sleeping form look almost peaceful with her head to the side. “Nor her you.”

Alfie swallows audibly, a deep rise and fall of his chest as he prepares himself to face her.

“She asked for you first you know.”

“Claire told me.” He says with a soft voice.

“After she comes out on the other side of this...and she will...you need to marry that girl.” She states as fact.

“That has been my intention for a long time.” He says wistfully, pushing through the door without turning to look at Polly. “Just thought she deserved something grand, yeah? Had been planning it for months.��� She nods, watching him move slowly, half from fatigue and half from hesitancy to disrupt his love. Perhaps Alfie did have both a brain and a heart. “I wanna do it now truth be told. But I don’t want any part of this fuckin nightmare to be associated with it. I won’t have her rememberin’ this pain every time she thinks bout our marriage. I’m gonna make it perfect for her. And right now innit fuckin that.” He says with a stern face and a sigh.

"She's been through a lot, Solomons." she states with a flat delivery, side eyeing him.

"I know." he nods, taking a deep breath and clearing his throat. "But she's strong."

"That's clear now." she says with an agreeable expression. "She's one of us. I thought she was just a little rich girl but... clearly there's more there."

"Much more. I wouldn't be wif some posh little cunt now would I?" he asks, swinging his head her way.

"I don't know you that well Solomons. Just to not trust you." she smirks.

"Fair." he nods.

"You're going to need to be delicate with her." she says after a moment of silence. "Can you be delicate?"

"She'll make it, yeah? Doctors have her a good prognosis.." he offers as a cop out for answering about his potential softness.

"Solomons. I'm serious." she says with a lowering of her chin. "It'll be like she's been through the war like you were boys were. She was held captive. Treated worse than you boys were if the stories I've heard about Horne were true. And I have reason to believe they were. "

"I know." he says with a grimace.

"She won't be the same. You know that right? Because you should. None of you boys came back the same as you left."

"Right." he gruffs out, staring at her, looking so peaceful for a few moments longer.

"So you need to treat her delicately. She'll need understanding and coddling. She'll have good days and very, very bad ones. You have to support her while she heals. She needs you more now than she ever did before." she puts a hand on his arm to make him meet her eyes which he does hesitantly, and she sees the sadness in them. "So can you be delicate?" she asks again with piercing eyes.

"Yeah, mate." he says with a nod, looking back to her in the bed. "For her I'll be whateva I've gotta be."

She nods and returns her hands to in front of her, pleased with his answer. "Good." is all she says in her usual enigmatic way. "You should go wake her. You should be the first thing she see's next time she wakes. She was asking for you, don't make her ask again." she says,giving him a nod in the direction of the bed.

"Right." he answers curtly again, lip disappearing under his mustache as he gathers himself to face the consequences of his actions. He knew he'd never forgiven himself for this happening to her. But for her sake, he would bury it deep and move forward. He needed to focus on being delicate now, like the wisest Shelby said. He didn't want to believe they wouldn't be able to put this behind them one day, but perhaps he needed to be prepared for the worst.

With a nudge of the door with his arm, his usually dominating saunter is reserved as he approaches this new evolution in Genevieve in her hospital bed. Where there had been so much life and vivacity before there is now a weakened shell. Her usual warm light brown skin is paled with a sickly yellow tint. The clouds of bruises that decorated her entire body, some in clear form of hand prints would be staying around as a painful reminder for weeks to come.

He lowers himself into the worn metal chair, he takes a moment to prepare himself to meet her eyes. “Chanah?” He calls upon her gently, taking her hand into his. it was as if he’d never noticed how much smaller she was before. She’d always looked so strong and full.

With a small noise of pain her face winces at the sound. She felt as if she had been waiting in hibernation for his voice to awaken her like a princess in a fairy tale. Her eyes open to find him there next to her, and not in the morphine fueled dreams she’d been having. “Ah.” Escapes her mangled throat as she tries to lean forward to him, arms out and hands creaking in their attempts to grab at him.

“Shhhh, love. Don’t strain yourself. I’m here, I’ll come to you.” He says with a gentle voice, leaning over the bed, bad back be damned.

She pulls him to her flush, her eyes tearing up as her hand runs through his soft hair, holding his head close to hers. She nuzzles into his cheek, savoring every small tactile sensation of his hair and beard and skin. Even in his clearly stressed and haggard state, his skin broken out with rough red patches, she wouldn’t have taken him any other way. She tries to squeeze him and whimpers, her skeletal fingers weakly digging into his jacket as she splays them painfully across his back. She needed to feel him, to know she he was real and she hadn’t died, that this was life and not the after life where she had feared she had been headed. Either way, in her morphine haze she comes to the conclusion that as long as he was there now, if she were alive or dead held less importance for her.

“S’alright love.” He says softly, his arm bracing him up while the other touches her arm so lightly she doesn’t even notice. He was now aware of her slight frame, the lean body that now trembled under his in pain. She had always been shorter, slender shoulders to be able to do the cat like sneaking she had. But with age and now the spread of hips and chest, she just looked small and soft, like she was made of kneaded and proofed dough in some places. Other parts were pointed, elbows and knees, swollen from overuse and strain. The usual roundness to her face was gone from both lack of food and water. A sad abused kitten where his powerful jungle cat had once been. “I’m not leaving you, Chanah. No need to push yourself.” He moves gently and she lets him, his face moving to find hers. The most gentle kiss to a spot on her jaw not blemished.

“Ah.” She tries again but fails, her bottom lip out and shaking like a child’s, a warning of tears to come.

“Doctor said not to speak.” He shushes her, a hand moving up to warm her cold and clammy skin, wicking away sweat and rouge strands of hair to look her over. He was using his skill of hiding his emotions in his face to the limit of his abilities for her, to not react to the marks of violence left behind, but it was not hard to look at her with love. For what she’d been through, it was almost as if it had made him love her more in some twisted way. Some dark part of him that was a devious gangster, a soldier and a Captain. It was as if she was now absolved of her precious faults. That her resolve through all the horrors and mistreatment made her a saint. She was something mythical and legendary now. A tale to be told of bravery and resilience. She was truly a gangster, no matter what choices she made hereafter, she would always be a woman of unmatchable strength. In their Jewish community, in their criminal acquaintances, and in her business, she would always have an air of untouchable strength to her now. An unbreakable woman.

“I brought you a little pad and pen so you could write out what you needed.” He says with a thoughtful tone, motioning to the table next to her. “I thought you might have some things to say.” He adds with his brows resting in a less enthusiastic expression. “And if you don’t that’s also fine, yeah? This is about what you want. Whatever it is you want. You let me know, right?” He brushes his nose against hers, not wanting to kiss her without her initiating it first. As Polly said, she’s been through things he couldn’t fathom. And he had every intention of respecting that.

Luckily for his poor heart, her hands which were full of twitches and tremors reach up and run through his beard, her eyes trying desperately to focus on him. Her brow shifts, her eyes twitching and fluttering, showing the bloodshot veins and the red wash of them in their injury to him fully. Eventually the pupils size up together, the cuts around her swollen socket reminding him of his boxing days as they helped her be able to see.

Her body lets out a sigh, her chest falling slightly as she pulls his face toward hers and kisses him. He pretends he doesn’t taste the blood, feels the splits and chap of abuse and neglect. It makes his stomach churn at the thought. A pain deep in his chest blooms as he comes to terms with the damage that must lie beneath this now cragged surface.

Her thumb runs across his lips, taking in every feature on his face, thinking about the time in the dark spent imagining it, wondering if she’d ever see it again. It hurt to kiss him, but the extra pain at this point for such a reward seemed insignificant.

“Anything you need, love. Anything you want. I’ll get it for you, yeah? You just write it down for me until that little swan neck of yours heals, eh?” He offers with a kiss to her nose. Be delicate. He reminds himself.

Already feeling her limbs growing tired, she lowers her arms and turns her head to face the bedside table.

“Would ya like it now?” He asks and she nods, triggering a spinning do her head that makes her eyes rapidly move behind her lids as she clutches the blanket on her chest for a moment. “We’ll figure out a hand motion for yes or no.” He offers up, feeling guilty for not realizing any little movement could send the throttled noggin of hers spinning. “When ya ready I’ll sit ya up wif ya pillows, love. I can move ya. No need for ya to try yaself.” He says as she steadies, holding the pen the best she can as her holds her back up and stuffs pillows behind her. The softness is appreciated and she suddenly misses her own bed.

She holds the pen with her dominant hand, only her pinky and ring finger being broken she manages with a determined face to write. She holds it up for him to read and it takes everything in him not to cry. ‘IM SORRY’ is scrawled across the paper, her handwriting not holding the same smooth feminine touch any longer.

“ Fuckin’ sorry?” He scoffs. “What the fuck do you have to be sorry for? Not a fuckin thing love!” He insists, his voice raising in his disbelief before he catches himself. Delicate, he recalls.

‘For getting taken.’ It says.

“Chanah.” His voice is broken as he drops to his knees beside the bed. “You were drugged and abducted, pet you did nothing wrong. Absolutely fuckin nothin do you hear me?” He says gripping her hand a little too tight in his emphasis as she winces and jerks away and his heart grows heavy. “You left somefin behind to! Exactly as we discussed dinnit ya? Even drugged ya did it. You did everything right. Beyond right, love you were fuckin perfect. You never apologize for this. To me or anyone. Ever. You got that? Never. You did nothing wrong.” His words carry him away, his mind moving fast and his heart pouring out as his face shows his desperation for the guilt she holds. “Im the one that’s fuckin sorry.” He admits with a hurt huff of air, almost a laugh at the outrageous thought she could be at fault. “It’s all my fuckin fault. You were right all along. I didn’t choose my actions very wisely did I? Didn’t recognize what a mad fuckin hatter...” he stops before saying his name as he sees her brows lower, the idea of the name bringing it all back, making it real as he sees her breathing pick up. “I’m so sorry, my love. I fucked up dinnit I. And you took all the consequences meant for me. It should’ve been me. Not you. You didn’t deserve a bit of this.” His head shakes as he takes a moment to breathe, kissing the back of her hand.

“Not true. I deserved it. I’ve done things too.” She writes.

“Nothin what would warrant...all ‘is.” He says with a slow drawl, and a slower shake of his head. “And from where I’m sittin, I don’t think you deserved any of it. Not after you went and made yourself a fuckin martyr for our family and the Shelby’s, eh? You’re a better woman than anyone I’ve ever known. You’re a perfect woman, Chanah. You are everything I could ever hope for in a person. And fuckin more!” He says with a surging of his chin forward as he sees her face stay down, almost frowning.

“I don’t feel perfect.” She responds, sliding the notepad his way.

His heart aches, kissing her hand, his breath traveling out across it as he exhales and presses his forehead to her skin. “I will spend the rest of my life making you believe it, Chanah.” He looks back up to her, snaking his neck to make her meet his gaze. “You are perfect. No matter what has happened. No matter what you may feel right now, or weeks or months from now. I’ll be here reminding you. Every fuckin day. My job innit it?” He presses his lips to hand and holds it there.

Her face softens, lips relaxing and twitching in thought. She nods slowly, looking at the texture of the thread in the blanket that covers the damage of her body from him. Will he still think that once the healing begins. Once her head doesn’t swim with every movement and she can process what happened to her. Will he still love her when she’s in pieces?

“Here, pet.” He says, quickly moving to reach into his pocket. “Will ‘is make ya feel better?” He asks with wide eyes, like he was bargaining with a crying child. In a lot of ways they both felt that was an appropriate simile. He pulls out his mother’s necklace he’d given her that she left behind. In his rush to feel like he was doing anything productive he’d had it fixed. It was the main piece for what he had been ready to give her that night. “Would you like it back? Remind ya of how lovely ya are eh?” He offers with a smile,but he isn’t met with one back.

‘Don’t lie to me.’ She writes, her face back to being hurt.

“I’d never.” He says with genuine hurt in his voice. “You could be in pieces love and I’d still think every bit of you was lovely.” He lays on the sweetness heavy, trying to tell her what he thought she’d want to hear, and in this moment, she accepted it.

She purses her lips and nods carefully, pulling her hair to one side slowly and he waits patiently.

He drapes the cold metal chain around the finger shaped bruises and the rope burns, a desperate attempt to distract from the injuries.

“Thank you.” She mouths, and that he can understand.

“You’re very welcome. It got lonely without you round to keep it warm and make it look so nice. Same as me, eh?” He offers, kissing her cheek. “I missed you more than all the flowery words I’ve got in me head can express, love. I was a fuckin sight without you, I was. Just like I said I’d be.” He gives her a kind smile with sincere emotion to back it up and she holds his hands in hers, a look of sleepiness passing over her face.

‘I love you.’ She writes, a subtle smile on her lips, but he would take it.

“I love you.” He says softly, lowering his head to her hands in submission, kissing every marked knuckle. “I love you so much, Chanah. More now than ever. More than yesterday and the same will be said tomorrow. Always more.” He whispers like a prayer against her hands.

Her fingertips move to touch his face, a slow and gentle sigh emanating from her body as she relaxed and laid back fully, sinking into the pillows.

“You’re exhausted love. Rest.” He suggests, moving back up to his chair with a grunt. “I’ll be right here. I innit goin nowhere.”

Her eyes are always half lidded, feeling the very exhaustion he spoke of taking her over.

“Sleep pet.” He whispers, brushing her hair back as her eyes shut. “I’ll be right here when you wake up. Always.” He seals his promise with a kiss to her temple, hoping his extravagant words didn’t come back to bite him. But in the moment he did truly feel that he could wait on her forever.

Please leave a like, reblog or comment if you enjoyed this! It makes me want to write more of what you want if you let me know!

@jaegeeeeer @cosettewinchester @lookuptheskyisfalling-blog@brianaisasongbird @cry5t4l-w4rri0r @jess2464 @hardygal69@thegarrisonpublichouse @a-flock-of-angry-pigeons @pootle @negansdirtygirl22 @musingsby-night @shine-dont-shadow@inkinterrupted @vale0413 @emerald-bijou @elaenom @give-jack-a-lightsaber @anrm1@ultrablackwidower @tinastarkandco@arrowswithwifi @marvelgirl7 @they-are-not-just-stories   @ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes @alitheamateur 

[shattered-catalyst]

So this  isnt for anything other than just to say what happened just so I feel heard and I can explain why I cant be as energetic and socially active on here. Its not a callout post or to be reblogged/shared by people. Its not to get anyone in trouble or to cause any reaction. It’s just for me to let it out and reclaim this space again. Its been a year since it happened and I guess I’m just still noticing how badly it has impacted my PTSD. How much its changed me as a person both online and off, and this isnt a woe as me thing either this is just me feeling a need to be heard and explain my own behavior over the year and also to make one simple request of you guys: no matter what you do, always treat your rp partners as people first and writers second.

Because I feel myself becoming bitter and that isnt who I am and I dont want to be someone like that. Or like this. I want to be me again

The person who did this wont be named mainly because they dont deserve it and yall dont need to know. Their behavior when I confronted them more than cements the impression that they dont see any harm in what they said and how they reacted. And again this isnt about them though In A Way I suppose it is? it takes two to tango but it takes one to encourage someone to kill themselves.

This is going to be long because I need to inform on the activity that lead up to this  because it didnt just happen over night- though in a way it did. But you need a better picture of this person because apparently they present a really great face that only a few of us see the manipulative and toxic side of.

This person was always very judgemental and hyper critical. I witnessed a lot of very negative and toxic behavior from them but I was naive and just hoped they would mature as they grew older and gained more independence. I thought it was just a toxic friend group and that perhaps she would recognize her self destructive and immature behavior and grow from it. 

My first red flag should have been when they accused me of being their ex girlfriend SOLELY because I was living in PA. I hate to break it to yall, but PA is a big ass state and has a lot of comic book loving ladies. Thankfully I have never met this person IRL and I hope I never do.

They tried to pull me into making fun of other muns on discord, including mocking sensitive pictures from a mun’s personal blog. I blatantly said it wasnt okay and made me uncomfortable and she continued laughing and making jokes about it with her friend group on discord. She kept trying to pull me into it no matter how often I tried to change the subject.

Her group of friends also did this thing where one of them would go interact with a mun an they would take screenshots of the convo and share it with the group and mock the mun they were interacting with. Whether it be their presentation of character/grahics/writing style/ etc.

The other red flags I ignored? How much she complained and mocked other muns and compared them to me; if anyone did anything or said anything she disagreed with it was an instant blow up. She took EVERYTHING personally including other people writing the same characters she did, having differing headcanons, not knowng obscure details about canon, etc.

She once tried to make fun of a new writing partner I had who was writing the same character, and I had to break it to her that this new person could write in her first language if she wanted to; im being very vague but let me just say if you and your character have the same first language and you want to write in it then its completely WRONG for a white mun to try and make fun of you for it.

She once suggested I had stolen pictures off her pinterest when she sent me a moodboard request for my character. Jokes on her I didnt even know she HAD a pinterest and I had gotten all my pictures from the ‘green aesthetic’ tag on tumblr. Which I told her but she kept pushing the idea on me I had stolen them. I of course dismissed this and put it on the back burner despite the alarm bells going off.

This hyper critical and paranoid behavior continues with everything from other canon blogs making similar head canons/ vaguely similar graphics/ to fanfiction authors having similar head canons/plot ideas.

My penname Citrus? I didnt want one. I didnt want it. She demanded I have a pen name and if not she was going to call me Cat. Now as yall know I dont like being enmeshed with my muse so I keep myself separate from them. I didnt like being called Cat and I told her that explicitly. She kept doing it. So I had to make a pen name because she refused to respect my boundaries.

When the Deadpool movie came out she DEMANDED I change my FC to reflect the movie Despite Not Changing Hers to reflect her own characters new look - which might i add is fat erasure. It was clear then that the rules and standards she held other people to didnt apply to herself. I was labeled problematic for not giving into her demands to change FCs (which I have a literal logical reason for not changing and im not explaining that here)

So I shouldve left. Long story short I didnt because every friendship I’d been in until around this time had been abusive and toxic. I thought this was all normal behavior for people to have and I was convinced I was just being critical of someone elses opinions/ insensitive etc. Thanks to my colleagues in graduate school and to several of you on here I learned that ‘hey dumbass friends dont treat your ass like this’.

Im leaving a lot out about the shit she did/said to me but those snippets give you an idea of things.

Leading up she decided to leave fandom and asked we didnt talk about marvel I said cool okay and didnt talk about marvel with her. If I did I would ask first if she was okay if we talked about one small aspect I thought might excite her/ she would like to know about but it wasnt often that happened because she began ghosting me. Hard. She stopped replying to me at all over discord when I would try and talk to her how we used to about our lives. She didnt answer any asks for munday or character development, in fact she blatantly ignored me.

I checked in a couple times with her to make sure I hadnt done anything to make her uncomfortable and she said no. May I emphasize she said no here. Im emphasizing it right now. She said no. She said everything was fine. So when I was like hey dude this is super triggering for me can you send me like a hi every once in awhile just so I can know we’re okay because its super triggering for me. Yall know what she did? She ‘lmao’-ed. she thought that was hecka funny. Yeah triggering ‘Citrus’ is hilarious isnt it? No it isnt and I shouldve cut her ass off right then and there.

Heres where shit gets confusing: she kept fucking talking about marvel to me. Id get messages at random times about marvel and then silence for weeks. I vividly remember during this period I was cleaning the museum vault and she kept messaging me about her marvel fc’s and how she wouldnt get a plotline and how characters were wrong etc.

I remember being REALLY confused because she had said NO MARVEL. But here she was bitching at me about marvel. In fact thats all she did when she did talk to me. Which was only like three or four times during the ghosting time period. She’d bitch about marvel and then vanish.

Shed make claims about not watching her dash and thats why she never responded to me/ interacted with me. She’d say she wasnt talkng to anyone while I see her on the dash TALKING TO PEOPLE and Id like to point out Ive told her I would be fine ending anything as long as she let me know.

but she followed me on every blog and throughout this time period she made and followed me on numerous ones. She kept reaching out sporadically to bitch about her fcs/how horrible marvel was/ and thats it. 

It was extremely confusing because if someone doesnt want to talk to me I assume they will; 1. unfollow 2. block 3. say goodbye 4. ghost and stay ghosted.

Not cycle through behavior rapidly. I asked her a few times if we were good and that I was confused and I got another ‘lmao’ reaction so I assumed we were good. At this point I still have no idea what was going on/ what message I was supposed to be receiving other than confusion.

So following this is heavily suicide tw and I encourage you not to read this part and to scroll down until the suicide tw is over which is highlighted in bold- if you’re triggered by that because I care about those who follow my blog.

So thats when this shit happened. I had tried reaching out to her on a different fandom platform to try and maintain the friendship. Because she said numerous times that we were friends. So like I reached out thinking maybe she just didnt want a marvel blog period.  It wasnt too long after that that she suicide baited me.

I was in a really bad place and had been for awhile and when I posted about how the only thing holding me on was the new comic coming out and specifically said “im seriously suicidal and this comic is the only thing giving me hope #idk what to do anymore ”. I was surprised when she liked the post.

I was three steps into a four step plan. I had everything but the method planned out and was just waffling along with that. Because yknow its complicated and you do it you make it count amiright. Right. I was in a fucked up place. I had just realized I was gay, I was horrendously depressed, I was in considerable physical pain, I was working 70 hours a week, my OCD was at an all time high and the only thing that kept me on this earth was a fucking comic book. You hold onto what you need to yknow?

WELL APPARENTLY NOT

Because this person who doesnt read her dash? This person who doesnt want to talk about anything? Liked that post where I specifically stated I was suicidal and sent me a discord message saying “dont have hope”.

Thats all it said “dont have hope”

Now I know what youre thinking but hold on because it gets worse.

I said something about being confused I dont really remember because I was pretty out of it. I do remember she kept going on about how horrible the comic would be and that it would be a piece of trash. I remember telling her I was really numb and in a bad place and couldnt feel anything. I remember her sending me screencaps and continuing to go ON AND ON about how it wasn’t worth reading.

I remember with gross intensity how someone who said they were my friend was taking away the only thing that was keeping me alive.

I dont remember how the conversation ends. I called out of work for the next three days. I was catatonically depressed and unable to really move. I didnt eat either. I went to internship, work, and school in a state of dissociation.

 I took screencaps of everything and set them aside for later. IDK what I was going to use them for but I set them in a folder on my desktop, looking back I regret what I did next; because I deleted them. I deleted them because I thought maybe she had been manic or drunk and hadn’t realized the scope of what was happening. I wanted to talk to her about it and clear things up because I believed in her. I believed there was no way she would be so callous as to do that on purpose. No way would someone try and get someone they called a friend to kill themselves. So I deleted the screencaps and my post on tumblr. I deleted all evidence to protect her and I encourage you all never to fucking do that even if you think that person misunderstood the gravity of your situation. Because if you’re wrong no ones going to believe you.

I remember shifting between intense depression and total denial.

I spent the rest of that month in and out of intense dissociative states when I wasnt in class or working with my clients.  During the middle of October my sister sent me pictures of a litter of puppies and I was like ‘well, i really need to either kill myself or make sure i dont’. I spent a few days continuing to waffle with that decision but then i remembered my mom cosigned my loans and I cant leave her with that debt because fuck we cant even afford my funeral to begin with. So I adopted a dog, I named him Julio to remind me to keep living and he finally came to me on halloween.

He was the only reason I left bed on my days off. I tried not to think about it but I did.  

I continued to spiral with heavier dissociative episodes and vivid nightmares about it.

SUICIDE TW OVER

I waited until Christmas to ask her to clarify the situation and let her know I no longer felt comfortable writing with her. I reminded her what happened and told her to check her discord if she wanted to see for herself etc.

She sent two long asks of combative, emotionally abusive, and gaslighting accusations. The first thing she did was say I needed to provide evidence if I went around making accusations like that. Then she cascaded into how I always talked about marvel *points up to where i explained what happened earlier*.  She tried gaslighting me like a champion and tried turning me into a horrible person the only problem is everything she was accusing me of doing was the shit she was doing to me. Everything. 

Even if I was bad at any time I had given her numerous chances to tell me I was overstepping a boundary- she always said no. I gave her numerous times to unfollow me if she wasnt interested in interacting with me- she never did. In fact I had unfollowed her that month because of her behavior towards me and she hadnt even noticed.

I let her know I could tell she was angry,  and that I didnt take receipts of private conversations because I believed in settling things like adults, and that if she ever wanted any proof it was all in her discord anyway. I let her know she could contact me to apologize but otherwise I didnt want her on any of my blogs and I told her the first thing she should have done wasnt demand receipts but she should have asked if I was okay. Its a real reflection of where her priorities were when she demands evidence rather than checks to see if a writing partner is okay.

Even if I did something horrible it doesnt warrant someone trying to get me to end my life. 

I was notified she put a post on her blog apologizing to her followers for being a bad friend and that she was a horrible person and ofc everyone was like ‘noooo youre perfect’ and its like ya thats not for me who hasnt followed her in months- thats to save face.

Her friends blogs kept visiting my profile and going through the month where this happened.

Everything she did and said was to save face. Her blog and her reputation are the only thing she cared about. She has never approached me to apologize or anything of the sort and I doubt she ever will. I would hope she would never do this again and I hope she has grown as a person since. That her life is better and her mother is okay, that shes happy and learning. 

 I know by posting this I will never receive an apology- then again i never expected one to begin with. I could go through all the trouble of restoring the deleted files but to be honest it isnt worth it because theres no room in my life for that type of toxicity.

Since this happened I:

I have stronger episodes of depression and dissociation since.

My PTSD has increased and I have week long spikes in anxiety attacks, depression and decreased self worth if I even see her around the rpc despite being blocked, blacklisted on xkit etc.

Have more difficulty completing basic self care tasks due to an increase in depression and a decrease in self worth.

I have nightmares about this event and her to this day a year later.

I cannot interact with the RPC how I once did as I fear seeing her on my dash or any sort of information getting back to her about me.

It took me half a year to see the character she wrote as as safe again and for awhile I couldnt even look at him without experiencing an anxiety attack.

I keep having nightmares. Its been a year and I still have nightmares about this.

I find myself having more difficulties connecting with people online especially on this blog. I’m constantly on edge when interacting with people and I feel spikes of anxiety at the merest thought of someone talking about me to her.

I find myself unable to have confidence as a writer or creator online because I have been reminder of the cement wall between oc characters and their canon counterparts.

I cannot go out and just follow anyone and be friendly and trusting with them anymore, even with people I already know. In the back of my mind is a constant reminder of how she and her friends used to check up on people and pretend to write with them/ interact with them just to take screenshots of conversations to share with the group. I have become a paranoid little bitch in the past year is what Im saying. like theres 0 need for that shit.

I blocked most of the people she interacted with simply to save myself from being triggered by her blogs/ mentions of her and that isnt fair to those people.

I remember the photo incident and how people derived such joy from mocking someones body. I can think of so many incidents of them making fun of others and I remember how that could be happening about me rn, and I wonder if anyone would stick up for me like I did for the other mun.

 I hope by posting this I can try and return to the person I was before this happened. I can try and not be so bitter and reach out again to others. That somehow I can continue working on making tumblr a safe place for me again and not a PTSD laced minefield.

I would like to remind this isnt a callout and I request if you know who this is about you dont say anything to them. This isnt for them. They have NEVER reached out to apologize for their actions. They have NEVER checked to see if I was okay after that. They have NEVER shown any remorse for encouraging me to kill myself and while I hope they’ve grown from the situation and will never do it again I doubt I will ever get closure from such an event. But i DO hope by writing this I can take this place back.

Consider this my first step towards bringing this up to a therapist.

 Consider this another step to me taking this blog back and feeling safer here; and maybe just maybe Ill make up a cool pen name for myself and own that shit.

If you’ve read this far thank you for your patience with me, and I request you always treat your writing partners like the people that they are. 

This post is not intended or written to leave this blog and therefore I request you not reblog it or share segments of it with ANYONE. If I find you have shared anything on here without my explicit permission I will block you.

‘Citrus’

[leelee10898]

Back to you: Chapter 13- Girls like you

Disclaimer: characters belong to Pixelberry, except those created for the story Rating: 18+ NSFW Summary: Olivia and Aria make it to the speakeasy, Aria runs into a handsome masked man who shows her a good time. She also runs into Liam. This chapter picks up from chapter 12. You can catch up HERE Title/Chapter inspiration: Girls like you - Maroon 5

Tag list: Is in the comments due to the aweful notification issues going on with tumblr.. As always if you would like to be added feel free to drop a line :)

**************

Leo sat in the back of the limo staring out the window, swirling a tumbler of scotch in his hand. He tried to ignore the fact that he was still pissed at his brother for what he did to Aria, but he made her a promise he wouldn’t do anything. He would have much rather hung back at the hotel and spent time with her but here he was, heading out for Liam’s bachelor party. “Were heeeeere” Maxwell cheered bouncing up and down in his seat, he chuckled to himself. Maxwell was odd, but at least he was fun. The men got out of the limo as Liam hung back. “Leo, a word.

 ” Liam cleared his throat. Leo gave his brother a curious look. “I know that you two have become,” Liam clears his throat again, "very close, I just need to know how is she?” It pained him that he was asking his brother how the woman he loved was. He had screwed up big time, he wasn’t sure if he even stood a chance with her anymore, but it didn’t stop the fact that he still loved her. He made terrible decisions, and yet he could not remember making them. “She’s fine.” Leo said firmly as he finished off the rest of his scotch. “Are we done?” He asked. Liam nodded as they both got out of the limo.  They walk to the door and knocked. A slot slides open "Password?” A man asks from behind the door. Maxwell leans in, “pieds puants ananas,” Maxwell whispered. The slot closes and the door opens allowing the men entrance. "Everyone put your masks on.” Maxwell demands as they make their way through boxes and barrels, behind a curtain was a spiral staircase the lead down to a lavish 1920s inspired club. Leo broke away from the group and posted up at the bar. He wanted to be far away from his brother right now.

 In the town car Aria and Olivia make their way to the club. “Ok, spill it, what’s with you and Leo?” Olivia blurts out. Aria gives Olivia a fake puzzled look. “Im not sure what you mean.” Aria lies. “Im not dumb Aria, I see the way you two look at each other. Something is going on with you two. If you don’t tell me I will figure it out on my own.” Olivia said very matter of factly. “Fine. Cliff notes version. We met and dated over 5 years ago. Something rekindled when he showed up here and I’m just really confused. ” Aria sighed. “Do you love him?” Olivia questioned. “I…I don’t know.. yes.. maybe? Im not sure to be honest. I love Liam, but, I think maybe I’m still in love with Leo too. ” Aria groaned as she threw her head back against the seat. The car rolled to a stop thank god Aria thought she wouldn’t have to be questioned by Olivia anymore. Aria pulls out her mask and puts it on as they get out of the car and walk up to the door..“password” the man asks. “Umm password?” Aria was clueless. “Pieds puants ananas” Olivia says as the door springs open and they make their way inside.

 It was like they stepped into back to 1925. A catchy jazz band playing, men in suits and the women wearing caps and feathers on their heads. Everyone around Leo was having a good time, he just felt something was missing. He missed her, he knew the night would so much better if Aria was here. He watched as every person came down the staircase and into that lounge and no one caught his eye, until she did. She wore a flowing black flapper dress that hugged her body but moved freely with every switch of the hip. Her brown hair curled and pinned just to the bottom of her right ear, a rhinestone headband on her head. Bright red lipstick on her luscious full lips, she wore a royal blue beaded mask that hid her face but those big brown eyes locked with his and he smiled. He walked over to the beautiful stranger. “Excuse me miss? May I buy you a drink?” His voice like velvet. “Sure thing handsome.” She took his hand and they walk over to the bar. 

 “an old fashioned.” He said to the bartender, “make that two.” She piped up. They drink their drinks as Leo leans in close “You are the most ravenous woman here, I am finding I am having a hard time keeping my hands to myself.” he growled in a low husky voice. She looks over at him, fire in her eyes. “Maybe you shouldn’t fight it so much.” She purred as she brushed her hand across his. He grabs it and pulls her in close he looks into her eyes, his lips crash down on hers. Their their tongues dancing together, their mouths smothering the sounds of their moans. “I want you, right now. ” she whispers. A guttural growl escapes the back of his throat as Leo grabs her hand and leads her to an adjacent hallway used for access to a private party room. The lights were dim and there was no staff since the room was vacant.

 He pushes her up against the wall, his mouth kissing and nipping the sensitive spots of her neck. She moaned softly as his fingers dances up her legs spreading her thighs slightly to gain access to her wet pussy. His lips found hers as he brushed one finger across her sensitive clit before dipping it into her wet center. Leo groaned with satisfaction. A second finger joined the first as he pulled them in and out. His thumb massaged her clit and she threw her head back in ecstasy. She fumbled with his belt buckle, wanting to free his throbbing erection she could feel pushing up against her hip. She rubbed her palm across the crotch of his pants grazing his trapped member as she swiftly unzips his fly and releases his rock hard dick. A growl escapes his mouth as she strokes his cock a few times. He pulls her up and lowers her slowly onto his cock, she gasps at the instant satisfaction she felt as he lowered her all the way down. She squirms against him hard as his tip tickled her gspot. He thrust into her hard and fast, each stroke teasing her sweet spot more and more. She could feel the heat pooling in her stomach. 

They kiss feverishly swallowing each other’s moans. Each stroke was like electricity, she felt it pulsating throughout her body. “Oh fuck, so tight, so fucking wet, fuck.” He grunted, his pumps becoming faster more urgent. She felt like she was going to explode, as he thrust and pump into her, his huge cock stroking her g spot she screamed out, “oh fuck Leo, im cumming. Oh fuck!” As her juices enclose his shaft like a wave he growls, “oh you feel so fucking good Ari, fuck.” He gives into his own orgasm as his hot cum coats her walls. They pant, and try to catch their breath. He lowers her down onto the ground as they both adjust themselves. He leans in to give her a kiss, “like I said.. the most ravenous woman here.”

 They exit the hall as Aria walks out first, Leo follows after, turning his head to the man standing by the hallway “Liam.” he nods and zips his fly as he walks off.  Liam stood there stunned and speechless. He looks over at the woman now talking to a tall redhead woman, he realize it was Aria, and the other woman was Olivia. He felt a knot form in the pit of his stomach. He saw her kissing him at the bar. He knew that she just hooked up with his brother in that hallway. He wanted nothing more then to be with her, the possibility of that happening now was not good, He felt like he might be sick. He just wanted to talk to her, he had to ask, to try. He gathered his courage and walked over to her. “Aria” he whispered. She gasps “Liam?” “Aria I want to talk to you, please. I only want to talk. What do you say?” He begged. She could see the desperation in his eyes. “Ok.” She sighed. “The Seine, 10 minutes.” He whispered as he took off. 

She approached the Seine, there he was standing on the bridge. He stood tall, but his face told a different story. He looked haunted, he had circles under his eyes, his slender body looked even slimer. She felt pained seeing him this way. “Aria, I am so glad you came.” He smiled walking towards her. “Have you ever been here?” Liam asked. Aria hesitated a little, Liam could see it in her face. “Its ok.” He assured. She shook her head yes. She had been there with Leo long ago. “Aria, I need to apologize for my actions, it is inexcusable how I have behaved and I give you my sincerest apologies.” Liam blurted out. “You slept with Madeline, I guess I’m just wondering why?” She asked. “Honestly I don’t remember it. I know this sounds like an excuse but I have been having periods of blackouts.” He paces. Aria looks at him cautiously. “That day, I came to your room and well, you know ” I didn’t know I was doing it until you slapped me. Yes, I had a few drinks but not enough to black out. “ Aria looked at him skeptical of what he just told her. She walked closer to him. "When did these blackouts start happening? ” she questioned. “Just as we started the tour.” Liam put his hands on the bridge railing. 

“I came to your room, I wanted to talk to you, but.” Liam shakes his head he thought back to him hearing her make love to his brother. “Im sorry Liam, it just happened.” Aria sighed knowlingly sitting on a nearby bench. Liam sat next to her. “Aria I love you more then words can express, I always will. Please know that I never meant to hurt you.” Liam took her hand. Tears filled her eyes. Despite all the hurt he caused her she did love him, but was that enough to look past every screwed up thing he had done? “I love you too, Liam. I don’t know what is going to happen. I am very confused.” Aria sobbed. “I’m sorry my love, please don’t cry.” Liam wiped her tears away. “How did things get so messed up?” Aria whispered. “I never meant to come between you and Leo.” “It’s hard not to fall in love with you, my love.” Liam sighed.”I hope that we can move past these past few weeks, and try to get back to where we were. I know you are unsure of what you want, but I will not stop fighting for you Aria.” LIam finished. “I hope we can too.” Aria patted his hand.  “We should probably get back before Bertrand calls for a search party. ” Liam chuckled. “You’re probably right.” Aria agreed as they walked back to the club.

 Aria walked back into the club as Liam made his way over to Bertrand. She found Olivia making out with a brunette man, who she was sure was Drake. She chuckled, they seemed like an odd pair, but if they enjoyed each others company in whatever way made sense to them, she wouldn’t knock it. She felt a hand slide around her waist and an instant smile formed on her lips. “Is everything ok beautiful?” Leo asked, he seen her come in with Liam, “I don’t have to break anyone’s jaw do I? He chuckled. "No, everything is ok superman. No beatings necessary. How about you dance with me instead. ” she giggled. “Now that I can do.” He turned her around, they swayed their bodies to the slow jazz beat as the rest of the club seemed to fade away. 

[pitubea1910]

Fresh Start - Part 11

Pairing: Barry Allen x Reader

Featuring: Joe West, Caitlin Snow, Cisco Ramon

Words: 2501

Warnings: none I think

Request: none

Tags: @onceuponateenpanwolfian @moonlightbae14  @writingsofagirlintomanyfandoms   @dejewskoo @castellandiangelo @captainboomerangsunicorn  @catscanwritetoo @arianna280398 @mikkywinchester  @oliviagrace02 @fofo64004 @l4life  @gothesimplethingsinlife @jade-cheshire @kindfloweroflove @yohoyohoafandomlifeforme @blue-berry-barry-allen @staceyisweird @megasimpleplan4ever

Note: hello! I know there is no way to say how sorry I am and there’s no way to make it right for all this time. I really am sorry. As some of you may know Im at college and I’ve been doing exams the past month and I’ve been completely disconnected from Tumblr since it was a big distraction I can’t afford. Somehow  I’ve managed to finis this chapter which I hope you like if you’re still interedted n the series! My last exam is tomorrow so I’ll have some time off until Friday but Iwill be off during the weekened again because on Saturday is my graduation but I think next week I will be here again so thank you so much for your patience and I’m sorry for all this time without any update!

MASTERLIST

That night you weren’t able to sleep. That sound The Flash has made really got stuck in your head. It sounded like Barry but that was impossible. Barry Allen couldn’t be the scarlet superhero, it just didn’t make sense. Plus, he would have told you right? You were his girlfriend after all and being a superhero was kind of a big deal. He wouldn’t keep something like that from you.

But what if he did?

At 4 a.m. you just couldn’t stay in bed any longer so you got up, made some coffee and sat at the table with your laptop to start digging now about Barry. You felt bad doing this. Asking him would be easier but you knew he would never tell you anything. He would just tell you to stop searching and that wasn’t an option.

Looking into Barry turned out to be even more frustrating than looking into The Flash. He was just a guy working for the CCPD, there was nothing about him except some news about some police cases in which he collaborated. Nothing else. When the sun was already up in the sky you were just exhausted but it was then when you found something you didn’t expect to find: Barry Allen was struck by a lightning the night the particle accelerator exploded.

When you read that, you changed your searching pattern and searched information about that night and about the boy who was struck by lightning. Indeed, that had been Barry and he had been in a coma for months. Apparently, when the accelerator exploded he was working in his lab. After a time of being treated at the hospital, STAR Labs took him in to take care of him and it was there where he woke up six months later. According to all the sources, he felt fine when he woke up, like nothing ever happened and he just went back to his life.

That was weird. He got struck by a fucking lightning and no side effects? Nothing? You could have kept on digging but you knew there was only one person that could answer your new questions and he wasn’t going to be happy about them. You got up from the chair, feeling sore after all those hours sitting down, and took a shower, got dressed and headed towards Barry’s house, ready to question him once and for all. He knew something about The Flash, you knew it, you felt it, and he was going to tell you what he knew.

Fifteen minutes later you parked in front of Barry’s house. After taking a deep breath, you got off the car, locked it and headed towards the door. You had to admit you were a bit nervous when you knocked. Barry wasn’t going to like it when he knew you had been investigating him but you really needed to get to the bottom of this. You just couldn’t let it go now.

“(Y/N)! What a nice surprise” Joe said with a warm smile when he opened the door.

“Morning, Mr West” you smiled back.

“Oh please, call me Joe and come in. We were just having breakfast so you can join us” he said stepping aside so you could walk in.

“Thanks Joe” you smiled walking in and looking around. You loved this place. It looked so familiar, so cosy, so…home.

“How’s everything at college?” He asked leading you towards the dining room where Barry was. “Look who showed up for breakfast” he announced.

Barry looked up from his phone and immediately he smiled before getting up. It looked like he just got up since his hair was all messy and he was wearing his pj’s. He was adorable.

“What are you doing here?”  He smiled wrapping his arms around you.

“I came to…” for a moment you considered just telling him but you didn’t want to cause a scene in front of Joe so you just looked at Barry and pecked his lips. “I wanted to have breakfast with you” you shrugged.

“Then join us” he smiled pecking your lips again. “I can assure you Joe’s pancakes are the best in town” he winked while you took a seat.

“He’s lying” Joe said. “They’re the best in the country” he added making you laugh.

“They do smell like they are” you laughed. “Where’s Iris?” You asked curious.

“She had to go to the paper this morning” Joe shrugged. “News never rest apparently”

he joked making you smile. It had been such a long time since you had a breakfast like this one. Back in Star City everything was too messy and busy to have such things like family breakfast. And you really missed them. You could remember those times at the old Queen mansion, before your dad and Oliver went missing, when the five of you used to sit all together to have breakfast almost every day. You used to think it was a bit boring and dull but now you would give everything you had just to enjoy one more breakfast with your family.

When you were finished, you insisted on cleaning up the table, ignoring Joe’s and Barry’s protests. It was the least you could do. Once it was done, Joe excused himself saying he had to go to the grocery store so you two sat on the couch.

“Those pancakes really were good” you admitted.

“I know” he smiled at you. “It was really nice having you here” he added stroking one side of your face.

You smiled warmly at him before leaning in to kiss him slowly, just enjoying the taste of his lips for a while, the feeling of his hand on your waist, rubbing it up and down, pulling you closer.

“Actually…” you mumbled pulling away. You had to do what you had come to do. “I wanted to talk to you” you said. He frowned a bit at the sudden seriousness and sat up straight.

“About what?” He asked.

Biting your lip you took your bag and took the new about him you had printed before going out of your apartment. It was the best one you had found about the lightning struck. He took the paper and unfold it to read it. His frown was even bigger as he saw what it was about. Seconds later, he looked up.

“You’ve been looking into me?” He asked.

“I…” you didn’t even know how to explain. Accusing him of being The Flash was just crazy but there was something in your stomach telling you they were connected. “Last night The Flash paid me a visit” you told him. His expression didn’t even change, like he already knew. “Did you have something to do with it?”

“I may have contacted him, yes” he shrugged. “Why look into me?”

“Because…” you bite your lip. “I think you two are connected and then I found this, which you never told me about, and…” with a sigh you closed your eyes. “Okay, I know this is crazy. But are you connected to him? Somehow?”

“The only reason I never told you about this is because it never came up and it’s not something I use to talk about” he shrugged. “But why on earth would I be connected to The Flash?”

“You contacted him last night” you said.

“The police has a way of contact him” he quickly replied. Too quickly.

“That’s bullshit” you snapped and you made him snap too.

“Stop! Stop looking into this! There is no connection! There is nothing connecting me and that guy and the only thing you are going to get is killed, don’t you understand?” He said getting up. You could see how frustrated he was with this. “He’s just a fucking superhero doing his job! Leave him be!”

“You know I won’t” you said getting up as well.

He looked down at you, almost intimidating you by how tall he actually was, but you managed to remain calmed.

“We can have this fight all the times you want, Barry, but I won’t stop until I find the truth. And I will find it” you assured him before taking your bag, the paper from his hand and heading towards the door. “Call me when you accept it” you said before walking out of his house.

Once you left the house, all Barry wanted to do was break something. He was too angry, too frustrated and too worried. He didn’t know what to do anymore. Maybe telling you was the best option but he just didn’t want you involved in that mess. You had a good life and he didn’t want to ruin it.

Since he was going crazy into the house, he got changed real quickly and ran off to STAR Labs, hoping they would be able to help him.

“You have to tell her” Cisco said as soon as Barry exposed the issue.

“I knew you were going to say that” Barry laughed shaking his head.

“It’s the most logical answer” Caitlin shrugged. “What has happened to your previous relationships?” She asked raising an eyebrow.

“That’s low” Barry mumbled crossing his arms.

“That’s the true” Caitlin said with a shrug.

“I’m aware that telling her would make this easier but it would also put her in danger” Barry explained.

“She’s more in danger looking into The Flash without any warning” Cisco objected.

“She’s been warned a million times already!” Barry exclaimed.

“But she doesn’t know why she’s been warned. For her, your ‘warnings’ are an overprotective boyfriend move to ‘keep her safe’”, Caitlin said. “There’s no real danger for her” she added.

Barry frowned looking at the friends. They were right. Utterly right but still, he didn’t want to tell you. It was too dangerous.

“What if a new villain comes, finds out about her and attacks her?” Barry asked.

“If she knew you were The Flash, she would be able to call for help” Cisco replied. Right again. With a sigh, Barry shook his head still not knowing what to do even when he knew what was the right thing to do. “Enough of this. Barry, the police needs you” Cisco said looking at his phone. “Robbery in progress” he added. In a second, Barry was into his suit and running out of the laboratory.

Meanwhile, you were back in your apartment. You knew you should be doing some college stuff but you were really getting obsessed with The Flash. You weren’t going to stop until you found out everything about him. He had some explanation left about Black Siren and you were to get it, even if you had to do it all by yourself. You were going through every single web site that talked about The Flash. It didn’t matter if it was just a sentence mentioning him. Everything could be a lead and you needed everything you could find.

“Where do you come from?” You asked yourself. He just appeared out of nowhere but he had to come out from some place. If you found that place, you could go there and wait for him. He would have no way out.

Frustrated, you got up and went to the kitchen to pour yourself another cup of coffee. There had to be some hint, anything trail that lead you to him. He wasn’t a ghost. He was a real person.

“A trail…” you mumbled frowning. “Of course!

”You went back to your laptop and looked for Iris’ blog about him. She used to say there was a lightning trail when he ran somewhere, like it followed him. That was the key. It had to be. Finally you saw some photos and smiled. You couldn’t see him but there was that strike just behind him. If you could find out where that strike started you would find him.

It wasn’t an easy job. You had to find every single photo related to The Flash and put it all together, trying to make a puzzle. Most of them just got lost in random places that made no sense, like Jitters or CCPD. But then, you discovered a new place. One you never thought about and you definitely should have done it. STAR Labs.

It was an article about Harrison Wells. He used to work at STAR Labs. He had been the inventor of the particle accelerator. He worked in STAR Labs. He had treated Barry and he had been interviewed about The Flash a couple of years ago. According to the article, Wells denied any connection to the super hero but admitted he must had been affected by the particles explosion. That was it.

The Flash was connected to STAR Labs. Whoever worked there had the answer you had been looking for.

Immediately, you took your car keys and ran down to your car. There was no time to lose. Luckily, STAR Labs were easy to find: it was a huge ugly building on the other side of the river. Easy to see. When you parked outside of the building and got out of the car you looked around. There was just a car. Nothing else. According to what you read, the Labs had been closed since the accelerator incident so you didn’t expect many people in there.

Finally, you gathered the courage to walk into the building. It looked completely abandoned, like no one had been there in years which was possibly true, but your instinct told you to keep walking. At the end of the hall, you saw an elevator. Would it work? Biting your lip, you pressed the button and soon the doors opened. It looked almost new and it definitely had been used before. There was just a button that would take you to the basement so you pushed it without thinking about it twice.

What you found out of the elevator didn’t look abandoned at all. Someone worked there and you could even hear some voices down the hall which made you nervous. Maybe you were about to meet The Flash.

“Wow, you really were fast this time” a male voice said when you walked in a room where two people were in front of very advanced computers. The guy that had talked turned around in his chair, but his face went pale when he saw you. “Security breach” he said, making the girl on the chair turn as well.

“Oh shit” she said.

Then, there was a strong gust of wind all around you. The guy and the girl didn’t even flinch, like they were used to that but when you saw the scarlet strike running by your side you gasped and looked up. You had it right. But you never expected what you saw.

“Barry?” You whispered when you saw the guy under the hood.

It wasn’t until you said his name that he noticed your presence and, when he did, a billion expressions went through his face in one second: confusion, shock, surprise, anger and finally fear.

“(Y/N)” he mumbled. 

[polskiebagno]

tagged by the loveliest @thankyouforthefeels to answer these 11 questions and then come up with  11 new ones (thank you!) this ended up being quite long im sorry for that

1. what is one of your favourite presents you’ve ever received? i think i talked abt it before but for my 18th birthday my friends payed for me to get my nose pierced. and it’s not necessarily about the gift itself, more about how it shows they listened to me saying i’ve wanted it for years and made the appointment and everything and it was just so, so thoughtful and sweet i love them

2. what is/used to be your favourite subject in school? (this may be a long answer sorry) so in both middle school and high school it was english, but for different reasons. basically at the beginning of middle school i was really bad at it so they put me in the less advanced group, and our teacher didn’t really give any fucks so those lessons were just so much chaos and fun. imagine: you walk in, i’m sat in the corner with my friends, sort of away from everyone else. we’re all turned so that we’re facing each there, someone’s got cake, the guy next to me put his legs on my lap and is ripping his textbook to pieces and eating them bc we dared him to do so. the ring is playing in the background bc the teacher wanted to watch it. we are all kicking our friend’s chair to push her into the middle of the classroom and saying she’s “going on an adventure”. it was great i LOVED it. and meanwhile i actually learned english on my own so when i went to high school they put me in a more advanced group, and the teacher (who was actually a bit scary) knew i was one of the best so she’d usually leave me alone and that meant i had a lot of time to talk to my friend. it was also the only subject i was good at so it meant i didn’t stress too much abt it

3. is there any quote that inspires you? why? not really, i’m not really a quote person. nor do i get inspired lmao

4. what is the most important part of a song? the lyrics? the melody? the rhythm? all of it matters! i do pay a huuge attention to lyrics but then there’s songs that i think are really quite silly but they have nice rhythm and i still listen to them bc they’re just fun

5. is there any childhood dream you had to give up? hooo boy we’re getting real here. i’ll try to make this short: since i was about 9-10 i wanted to be a vet. but in middle school when i started learning biology i realised i was really bad at it. my mental health was at a horribly low point then, i had no fucking motivation (and i mean that. i was failing classes, multiple ones, cause i just couldn’t focus or bring myself to study). and i knew i couldn’t go to high school and take advanced biology classes - which i would need in order to get to uni to study veterinary - i didn’t have enough motivation and there was no way i could’ve managed it so i just… gave up on that. and don’t get me wrong it’s still sth i wish i could do. realistically if i got myself together it’s quite possible. but i don’t think it’s ever gonna happen and yeah that shit hurts and i look back and think “if only things that happened to me hadn’t happened, if i weren’t depressed” etc but i got other passions too so it’s not the end of the world. i’m going to start studying psychology in two months which i’m really excited abt. i’ll be good

6. do you have siblings? how is your relationship with them? i have two younger sisters. one is 15 going on 16 and it’s a bit complicated. we’re not extremely close and she gets on my nerves a lot, but then bc of some things that happened i have this intense need to protect her. idk i dont wanna get into it but basically i fear she’s gonna grow up to be just as fucked as i am and that breaks my heart. on a happier note we bond over anime, which our middle sister (17 y/o) hates. and with her i have a definitely closer relationship, perhaps bc of the smaller age gap or bc we share more interests. overall tho i love them both, i know i can rely on them, that they’ll keep my secrets, and i think they’re both great girls (fun fact they both got tumblr but neither of them wants to tell me her url)

7. are you afraid of any animals? nope but i’m not a fan of any insects. they can be around me but i hate it if they touch me, that just freaks me out

8. do you wanna move to another city/country? if yes, which? i used to, now i’m not so sure. but i would love to live somewhere where’s it’s always warm. i fucking hate winter i hate the whole “staying home bundled up in blankets” thing, it’s boring and it’s not even realistic bc you have to go out and then you freeze your ass of. fuck that

9. do you believe art can change the world? not really. it can inspire and influence people but it’s their actions that will change the world

10. the first fictional character you fell in love with? i’m 98% sure it was bohun and that honestly just explains so much when it comes to the type of men i like, both in terms of looks and character. honestly i could never figure out why people with blood on their faces were such a turn on for me and then i rewatched ogniem i mieczem recently, this scene came on

 and i was just like oooh that’s why cause as i child i lost my marbles over that fucking blood covered wink

11. are you afraid of death? this is gonna sound so edgy but i was on a plane recently and i dont remember why but for a second i thought we may be having a problem and i didn’t even react. i kind of just sat there thinking that i dont want all these people to die but i really fucking wish we’d crush bc i just don’t wanna deal with anything anymore.  and i’m saying that cause i used to claim i wasn’t afraid to die but then i’d get scared if i were in a situation where something could happen, but now i dont, so i guess i’m really not scared of death anymore

okay so i tag @awkwardbird @infamously-exhausted @beachglo @epunda @wolfjohnstarlock @sapphictaurus and honestly whoever else wants to, like if for some reason you took time to read this then please feel tagged. here’s my questions for you! 1. do you like cooking? 2. have you got a weird/creepy dating experience? 3. can you drive? if yes, do you like it? 4. what’s your favourite outfit? 5. do you prefer to take a bath or a shower? 6. do you want to be famous one day? 7. would you like to have children? 8. if you could bring one fictional character to life, who would it be? 9. do you get along better with guys or girls? 10. if you could have any pet you want (and you could make sure it was happy, healthy and had everything it needs etc) what would you get? 11. do you keep plants?

[scarlethaki-archived]

[ I’m writing this to explain my side of the story since I’ve been painted as some heartless witch that can’t stand people making ooc/silly posts or even like I’m trying to turn people against others.  The only reason I’m making this post is because I’ve been vagueposted about and blocked on my other account, so my follow-up message to reach out and discuss things had never been responded to. I honestly don’t give a shit about the blocked part. What has made me the most frustrated is that they are ignoring the main point of this issue that has now ended up involving one of my friends too. We are NOT upset about the ooc posts or how you run your blog, it’s how you’ve gone and painted us as villains and you as the innocent victim in all of this. This is not to say that we are the victims in this situation either, because I for one prefer not to act like one.

Here is a screen cap of the message I sent. The hate-filled attack that started this all:

“Hey! I just wanted to pop in and tell you beforehand that the reason I unfollowed you on this blog and on scarlethaki is because I was uncomfortable with the amount of ooc posts that ended up taking over my dashboard. I just want to reassure you that it’s nothing against you as a person, and I’m still okay with interactions if you want to. :)”

That was the message I sent. Please tell me if that was uncivil in any way. Everyone has their preferences, and when your blog is 90% ooc that floods my dashboard, that’s my personal choice to draw the line there. I don’t mind ooc or crack posts at all-- I do them a lot too, but it was the amount in even just a single hour, and this in undeniable to anyone who knows this blog. You can post as much ooc as you want, but some people just don’t want their roleplay dash to be flooded with ooc conversations, shitposting, and pictures of girls in bikini and underwear. It’s even stated in the rules pages of all my accounts-- I may unfollow if the amount of unrelated ooc exceeds my preferences. Perhaps it would have been more tolerable to me if an ooc tag was used, but this person did not use that either (at the time).

They have every right to post as much ooc content they want, and I have every right to unfollow them if it gets too much for me. The only reason I messaged them first is because I didn’t want them to find out I unfollowed them later on their own and feel even worse/more awkward about it.

These were some of the responses on that person’s blog.

#DO U EVER LIKE GET ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHEN THINGS JUST SEEM TO GO WRONG EVERYWHERE SOMEHOW #... #IDK MAN #ITS LIKE EVERY SMOL THING OF BAD THAT HAPPENS YOU GET LIKE #.... #OKAY THEN FUCK IT #TBD. #JUST #PLS GET THIS THING ON YOUR HEAD GUYS IF PEEPS DONT WANT YOU THEN ITS THEIR LOSS #TBH #TBH DONT SET UP UR EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH #ALSO DO KNOW THAT IF YOU HAVE THAT HOUR WHER EYOU'RE LIKE HAVING FUN OOC AND REBLOG/POST TOO MUCH SHITPOST I WILL NOT UNFOLLOW YOU FOR THAT. #I DO THOSE SMTMS BUT AS YOU CAN PROBS SEE WHILE SCROLLING I DELETE IT LATER ON #LIKE... #OKAY THEN. #NO ITS FINE RLLY #IM JUST. #AT LEAST TELL ME BEFORE I SEND IN THINGS TO YOUR ASKBOX BCS SOMEHOW THAT S HUMILIATING? #I MEAN. #OKAY THEN. JUST. #IM NOT NORMALLY THIS MEAN BUT WHEN I FEEL LIKE DIS I HONESTL DONT LOOK BACK AND CONSIDER BLOCKING PEEPS BCS #IM ALREADY INSECURE AND HAVE LOTS OF TRUST ISSUES FROM MY BULLYING YEARS AND NARC ABUSE EXERCISED IN MY TOXIC HOUSEHOLD #I DONT THINK I NEED MORE SHIT TBH. #I KNOW PROBS IM OVERREACTING AND THAT IF YOU APOLOGIZE FOR IT AND ALL SHOULD BE FINE BUT. #..... #HONESTLY. #ITS NOT. #EXCUSE ME IF ITS TOO MUCH OOC FOR YOU THEN. #BUT TBH EVERYONE HAS THOSE TIMES WHERE CRACK IS IN THE BLOG OR SHITPOST ENSUES #BUT DID YOU EVEN SEE THE TAGS SAYING TBD - TO BE DELETED?

#BUT TBH.... YOU MIGHT NOTE THAT EVEN IF THERE ARE CANNON CHARAS BLOGS AROUND ...I WILL NOT FOLLOW THEM ALL #THE REASON IS NOT ALWAYS THE WRITING OR PORTRAYAL BUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED #LIKE I RECEIVED HATE BEFORE FOR JUST SAYING SOMETHING A SHIPPER DID NOT LIKE #I DID NOT LIKE CROSS BOUNDARIES OR HATE ON THEM AOR ANYTHING IMERELY SAID THAT THERE WAS THIS TROPE THAT WAS LIKE BEING OVERUSED OR SMTH #AND YEAH #BUT YEAH THIS IS ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS WHY I DO MAINS CALLS BCS OF THESE SITUATIONS. #TBD.

H**** pls *raises hands* (anditsokayimajudokaicankickpeoplesassesnowrries!!) its fine rlly. thats their loss tbh. its just that it was a bit humiliating bcs the person sent me a mssg about how they werent folowing me anymore bcs of the ooc posts and i had just sent in a ic ask too - posts which later on get deleted anyways tho i do keep the content in a private paste or smth saved in case there’s something i need from it like the post about inviting u guys to gow tih me next year but—\ rlly i dont want drama !! they did apologize it just does still hurt bcs u know i just had sent in a interaction ic, but….its fine . it wont do any good causing chaos over this rlly. ^^’

yeah i totally share the opinion! which is why i think that this is a hobby and we’re humans not machines so ofc we’ll have those times where shitpost just happens and like when u guys this week calmed me down bcs i was having a nervous breakdown due to the late events …like this is our safe space so. but tbh im just not to have drama bcs i already have so much shit to deal on my dramatic life tbh ya feel? i dont want  like to be the one starting some kind of chaos here in the fandom bcs i totally know i will not get along with everyone thats scientifically impossible. i can tell u in private who it is if u want to know anyways but do promise me that you wont go to their inbox or anything for my sake. i honestly dont want to start drama or cause things.

Those were ALL in reaction to that single message I sent. As admittedly pissed off as I was, I decided to let it go. Strangely enough, despite the fact that I said I ran scarlethaki, this user has continued to follow me on here even though I unfollowed weeks ago. They also still follow my other blogs which I’ve mentioned I’ve run before, so I really don’t know what the thinking is here. But I didn’t block you and I never will, because I’m leaving the option of coming to me to discuss things open to you. I’ve tried approaching you once and that clearly didn’t work so the ball’s in your court now. Shutting your ears to someone never fixes a problem, it just gives you a sense of blissful ignorance to the real situation at hand.

The thing that frustrated me to no end was the amount of hypocrisy and victim-playing going on.

I sent you a private, friendly message. Instead of responding, you blocked me and then go off on your blog. Your messages were very clearly directed at me. So why couldn’t you just speak to me face to face? Is it because you wanted the sympathy of the public?

You say you don’t want drama... and yet you make several ranty posts to the public to see? How will this not incite drama? “I don’t want drama.” “It won’t do good causing chaos over this.” Are you not seeing what you’re doing? 

“I won’t get along with everyone” Please tell me WHERE in my original post I was ever hateful to you or said I didn’t like you. You’re making things up in your head.

“I can tell you in private who it is if u want to know anyways but do promise me that you wont go to their inbox or anything for me sake. I honestly don’t want to start drama or cause things.” So the people that are being slandered have to just sit quietly while you go off about them, even when you say that you’ll tell anyone that asks you about it? You may not have actually told anyone in private, but at this point I’ll be distrustful of everything you say due to the victim-playing and manipulation of the public going on here.

I won’t add too much about this next part since @jurakyuru​ has already defended their personal case, but since it’s tied into the original issue involving me, I will summarize it because I’m at my wits end.

This user had sent my friend a message asking them why they unfollowed and if it was a tumblr glitch. Funny enough, this is the exact situation I had wanted to avoid putting her in when I sent her that first message. I didn’t want her to feel awkward or embarrassed asking about such a thing and she blocked me for it, yet just a couple weeks later she does it-- and gets very upset when my friend civilly states why they unfollowed. So you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t I guess.

There was a very very long response written to my friend which is not in my right to share, but I can at least comment on the public posts that had been made. Foolishly I did not screencap the actual things in the heat of my frustration, but I had copy and pasted them into a conversation with a friend.

Let me tell you one thing: I never told anyone to unfollow you, nor tell them what to say to you. My friend showed me the message they sent to you and they themselves made it clear they unfollowed of their own accord. But keep going on thinking I’m telling people to unfollow you.

Also funny how you say the door’s open and to get out, but when we did that you got severely upset.

We did unfollow you. You went into rants.

You’ve been reasonable? Really? As soon as either of us said something not sugarcoated you blocked us.

I would go through your blog, but you deleted everything. I mean, I had copy and pasted pretty much everything, but if I hadn’t then your claim of evidence would have been meaningless.

No you didn’t send us harmful message directly, but you went on public rants and even offered to tell people our names if they just asked you.

I won’t go on about this for much longer. You said you wanted people to see both sides of the story and here they are: my message vs. your reactions. A quote I’ve always stood by is, “You’re not responsible for people’s reaction to you, just the words you say.” This is why I still feel no guilt for the message I sent you. I know what I said was reasonable and civil. I am not responsible or at fault for the way you decided to react to it. 

And now we’re here.

As I said before, I haven’t blocked you and I won’t. Despite everything, I still don’t hate you as a person. I am just very frustrated and disappointed at the reaction over the past two weeks, and now I’m a little bit worried as well because I don’t know who you spread your lies to or when. I did not want things to come to this because callout posts are generally looked down upon, but this is the best way for me to lay everything clear. All the screencaps and what both sides have done. I never conspired against you-- in fact I was still kind to you on my Whitebeard blog until I unfollowed you there as well after yesterday’s shitstorm.

In the end I really don’t think you’re a bad person. I don’t think you’re evil or a villain, but I do think how you have been behaving has been hurtful and irresponsible. I’m sorry to be posting this publicly, but I need to make sure that if you said anything about me in private, the truth is clear. ]