#im not emotionally capable
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dead boy detectives more like dead GAY detectives amirite
#btw gay is an umbrella term for me#dead boy detectives#omg ANOTHER sassy emo gay boy?!#for ME?!#i'm collecting them#edwin payne#charles rowland#i love monty#gonna write a fic for him where he lives happily ever after#oh gods i cant do this fandom obsession thing AGAIN#im not emotionally capable#dw i'll still do it#dbda
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I miss old tumblr in the sense that i could complain about board exams and worrying about not getting enough to be eligible for my medical entrance test and i'd have summoned half the indian side of tumblr to sympathize
#im in sm stress#if i dont score above 75% im not eligible for my neet exam#which im planning to take a drop year for#and its gonne be both expensive and emotionally taxing#and i have to give THIS years neet exam too#for reasons#im not in the clear until may 20#adulthood is a scam#And that is well BEFORE i even start preparing for neet#well before i even have to consider the possibility that i might not get in#im pretty much using this post to vent in tags#its like 4 am#and im stressed. scared. everything#its really difficult just existing w adhd and mental illness#much less studying#and neet is like highly competetive#the cutoff goes so high#i want to get out of this city#and be safe and actually be alive for once#a big part of me will shrivel up and die if i stay#and this is the first time i've actually wanted smth for real#tentatively and doubtfully#but wanting still#and idk if i'll make a good doctor or if i'll fuck up and have it all blow up in my fsce#overthinking basically#im worried im not. capable of doing this#anyways desi tumblrinas where are you😭😭😭😭
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Someone has to have written meta about how important the 1st incense burner chapter was for wangxian and how ir gave Lan wangji the catharsis he needed to stop being ashamed of his sexual desires after spending years punishing himself convinced his feelings were wrong and shameful because wy could never feel the same way about him. That the ugly feelings he had were his fault and how that made his guilt about his parents even worse
And then having Wei Ying the man he loves see them in all their raw and shameful glory, but instead of recoiling away in disgust wwx accepts them and lwj, showing him how lwj and his desires are not shameful, that wwx gets it he understands and he's into it too...and then the dream changes and becomes one of empowering lwj and giving him a chance to reclaim those teenage desires in a way that makes he feel good for once
how powerful that moment was for lwj who must have had a part of him that even in adulthood told him his teenage feelings were wrong, to finally come to the realization that he was just a kid and it's okay because those intrusive thoughts didn't make him a bad person. That even now they don't make him a bad person. That he can want and desire and be safe to explore those feelings and they aren't ugly or shameful they just exist as they are, that he can take them ans make them into something beautiful
Please tell me someone has written a better more cohesive version of this because my irl bff just finished the novel and hates lwj and I cannot handle that pleaseeeee
#SOMEONE HAS TO HAVE WRITTEN THIS PLEASE DONT TELL ME IT HAS TO BE ME IM NOT EMOTIONALLY CAPABLE OF THIS UGH...#my bff not understanding lwj's character....I have failed as a fan 😭😭😭😭😭#mdzs#mo dao zu shi#lan wangji#god like i get that those chapters are not for everyone but ignoring the complexities of all of lwj's experience and narrowing it down to#make hime into a bag guy grinds me gears sk bad#i love lwj so much pleaseeeee not my boy#wangxian#mdzs meta#i swear to god if i get the same sort of bad faith comments and vague posting on this post as i did the last time i dared to express an#opinion im going to give up on this fandom i AM NOT IN THE HEADSPACE FOR THIS OKAY#mdzs musings
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He realized too late that Jiang Cheng wasn’t going for the wine. His reflexes were off; another thing to blame on his weakened tolerance. Just as he realized Jiang Cheng’s real intent, a hand snatched his wrist with a bruising grip. He attempted to yank his arm away, but Jiang Cheng held firm, fingers pressed to his pulse point. “Jiang Cheng, dammit, let go!” Wei Wuxian snapped. But the damage was already done. He felt the buzz of Jiang Cheng’s qi as it probed through his meridians – and found them empty.
I wrote the missing scene from my previous golden core reveal fic! I think the twin prides of yunmeng should punch each other and have a good cry at each other. for their health.
#mdzs#the untamed#wei wuxian#jiang cheng#wen yuan#my writing#this has been a wip for a while but im done dealing with it so it is being set free!#i don't know why i am only capable of writing wwx when he is doing terribly emotionally#but eh. it is what it is#now maybe i can actually get myself to finish one of my scum villain wips
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descent into mental illness
how i look with he/him in my bio
like this post if you think i should be put down
#reminder im still his fan#his only fan#i have a whole au about destroying him emotionally but then i open photophop and am only capable of drawing him as a twink#centricide#radical centrist#radical centrist centricide#jreg
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im a laios stan forever but experiencing the ramifications of him being a White Character In Fandom is fucking brutal and makes me want to explode
#txt#everyone wants to fucking baby his ass and im just!!#he doesnt!! fucking need that!!!!#he doesn’t need you to defend him against shuro bc they both figured out that shit on their own and are Good now#you dont need to defend him against Anyone bc hes so f uking Capable!!#hes soooo much more emotionally mature and level headed than yall give him credit for#nd yall treat him like a 5 year old who will cry if youre slightly mean to him
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society if people could stop infantilizing gonta (and chihiro) 🌠🌃🌠🌃💫🌃🌃💫
SO REAL HONESTLY.
#pluto answers#Im sorry for being picky about a character that isnt even in the top 10 on ao3 for v3 popularity but oh man. oh man#I dont know much about chihiro stuff because im mainly a v3 guy but like#theyre both so capable and smart#but commit the crime of 1. being sweet and 2. being emotionally open#and so are infantilized so much.. it sucks
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For the ask game, 5, 18, and 30??
(from this ask game)
ahh thank you for sending these in!!
5. first sentence of the fifth paragraph of an unpublished WIP
ok so i have 7 tabs open and all of them are either new chapters or unpublished wips but here is the first sentence of the first tab - and a second sentence for a little bit more context lol:
'Watto has wings, a set that isn’t much to look at but that he’s rather proud of showing off anyway. And because Watto has wings, little Ani cannot, lest he grow up and get ideas.'
(that's wing fic au which i have been meaning to finish and post for forever)
18. If you keep them, share a deleted sentence or paragraph from a published fic
ok so i don't keep my deleted sentences or paragraphs - they are gone with the wind as soon as i don't like them lol BUT i can definitely talk about one of my first draft ideas for a fic that i didn't end up writing which i've definitely talked about before. in foolproof foolhardy, when i started writing what would become the last 2 chapters and the final arc of the story, i was totally sold on the idea that when they're in the ship on the way to their mission they would end up fucking ('to get it out of their system') as a one-time thing and afterwards they can just pretend they don't care about each other at all and the sex would be very angry and bitter except for the moments where they couldn't help but betray their real feelings (aka master skywalker caresses obi-wan's face, obi-wan kisses his pulse, etc etc)
and then during the mission the prince of the planet would be interested in obi-wan in a way that would prove to be Perilous (because obi-wan tries to pretend he can just go back to having fun and sleeping around and so he courts the prince's attention, but it turns out that actually he doesn't want to do that anymore because now he knows how anakin would hold him)
and anakin would do something very dramatic like start a full on war with the planet and or threaten assassination of the prince because hes a jealous lil guy and will use obi-wan's discomfort as cover for his actions without examining the root of the emotions which is in fact love (but twisted)
and then they fuck AGAIN and finally actually talk it all out (but it was already such a long story and that whole mission arc seemed needlessly dramatic when tensions were already high, so they just talked it out the first time they fucked on the ship, which i'm happy with)
30. share a fic you’re especially proud of
ooo interesting question! i definitely feel various amounts of proud of all my fics because of who i was and what i was trying out when i was writing each of them, but i think i'm especially proud of let my love be the knife that implicates me aka the rots compliant fic where obi-wan raises luke on tatooine alone and does as good of a job as he knows how. i just really like the concept of it - where obi-wan deals with his grief by talking about the agony and joy of loving anakin, luke's father, while also still so fresh off of mustafar and the fall of the Jedi, knowing he can only talk about this now because when luke is old enough to remember he shouldn't bear the weight of his secrets....only for luke to remember not the words themselves (about the empire, about sidious, about anakin's betrayal) but the emotion behind them, which was almost always love.
it's a sad fic but it's not so sad that i think it's unreadable and i really am so proud of a lot of the phrases and the pacing of it! mostly because i almost always avoid anything even resembling 'canon compliant' and so this was a really big moment for me lol
#asks#thank you for sending!#as you can see the foolproof foolhardy almost arc still haunts me sometimes lol#but honestly i really love how the story turns out#and how obi-wan is like fuck you for making me the more emotionally mature one here#when you're the jedi master. we're talking about this#i just could also see that obi-wan being like hey we should fuck because i feel like we'll never recover from the choice i made#and if i don't have even a small part of you im not going to be able to carry on#so dont you want to get this out of your system and go back to ignoring me#we've proven very capable of that (forgetting literally everything qui-gon told him not 24 hrs ago)
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#tw abuse#hi#im just lying down in the dark on a rainy day and need to vent here because I can’t get myself to journal#today i miss my mom so so much#I miss who she was before the drugs and alcoholism#she can be so nurturing and generous and kind when she’s not using#she couldn’t be the mother she was capable of being because of her addiction and severe mental health issues#I was emotionally and physically abused til I was 16 and the thing is#I don’t have hate or resentment for her#I only want the best for her#I just ache inside knowing that because she’s still in denial and addiction and we can’t have a relationship#I have no immediate family left and my extended family aren’t the nicest people#lately my ptsd has been triggered a lot and old trauma has been resurfaced#witnessing an incredible amount of domestic violence growing up still fucks with my head#it was so scarring#won’t get into details there but god it really did a number on me#the bottom line is I miss who my mom was before the alcohol and abuse#and more importantly#I miss myself#I miss laughing until I cried#I miss not running from everything#I miss letting myself feel#personal
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sometimes i remember the episode of the good place where eleanor confronts her mother and i want to start crying
#whenever i rewatch the show i just. have to skip it.#its so hard i did it for a thing in acting school. where we had to do a scene that wed find. emotionally difficult.#the whole 'i wanted that mum' bit.#'if she truly has changed it means she was always capable of change. i just wasnt worth changing for'#do you know. how much it hurts. seeing your mum be nicer to other kids than she ever was to you#her friends kids call her aunty#and im here. with anxiety induced seizures and complex ptsd because of her#ignore me#vent
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anyways
@sprinkledsalt
I literally showed up in two, you make plenty of other posts like this I dont engage with in this way. I dont believe generalizations are helpful and only alienate the people you're generalizing. if you wanna reach men, dont treat them all like they're the same guy and just as likely to do some shit as the kind of guys you're talking about. You dont have to make posts that say "not all men", but you also dont have to expect men to want to engage w something if they feel like they're being grouped in with the type of men you're talking about. You brought up the shooter statistics, so I wanted to start there since thats where you wanted to start.
We can talk about all the horrible things that (usually cis white) men do, but at the end of the day, are we attacking men as like a group or should we be attacking an ideology instead? because it often seems like people are just saying men as a whole are irredeemable trash and not giving any real options for how things could even change to begin with. endlessly critiquing isnt useful when theres not action to take.
I have no outrage towards you at all. The only reason I commented on this post is bc ik for a fact you specifically reblogged it bc of my tags on your other post. I wasn't gonna make a big deal out of it just wanted to share my like one sentence thought in the tags and otherwise had 0 issues with your post. But you reblogged this and if theres anything I hate more than anything its people who cant just be direct, so I decided to make it direct. The only outrage I have rn in regards to you is how you like to do shit indirectly.
If I felt like a person of color was trying to reach people but kept acting like white people were the bane of reality, then yeah, I might say something. if they're just making a personal post, then im not gonna say anything. your other post seemed like something you wanted shared.
and of course you have no answers. so why bring it up? I never said it was your responsibility, but if you ever wanna toss some fuckin ideas in the ring instead of endlessly critiquing like I said we're all ears over here.
#sprinkledsalt#you're such a coward for blocking me lmao#why make political posts if you cant even talk about the shit#I said like one thing on their one post and now im apparently the guy who comments on their posts in regards to this every time#jesus christ. can you just say you're not emotionally capable of having these conversations?#anyways if you end up screenshotting this response and responding or some convoluted shit like that and the only way im able#to find out about it is if someone tells me who likely wont tell me im not responding.#unblock me and talk to me like a fucking adult and like a fucking human if you want to actually talk about it. i dont do this shit.#i dont snoop around ppls blogs who block me bc i dont have the time so dont expect me to if you want a response.
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Walking around my house with a knife when I'm alone will probably backfire some day but my fear of home invasion is too strong to stop
#tw knives#tw paranoia#if my mom didn't call out ''im back!'' every time she comes home. something bad could have already happened#i usually say my strongest responses to threats are flight and freeze but my body automatically goes to grab a sharp object when im scared#i don't think I'd be capable of killing someone though#i don't think I'm mentally or emotionally strong enough to handle that#I'm curious of what it'd feel like though
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being able to feel a very loving emotional connection to stuffed animals is all fun and games until you start to feel like real person guilt about having to leave them somewhere bc you can't bring three stuffed animals with you to a place because that's insane to do
#well it's okay my valentine's animals will keep each other company they will be okay to sit on my bed and hang out together#bc matt doll is my film watching buddy and it would be sadder and more upsetting to leave him behind. he is incorporated into the routine#also im more emotionally attached to him. though i am often more okay to leave him behind for stuff bc in my heart#i feel that he can take care of himself just fine. he's smart and capable he will be ok.#pretend that my feelings about that arent insane btw. pretend thats a normal feeling and assessment for a toy#static.soundz
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do you think Leo is a misogynist
nope and i'm not just saying that because he's my favourite character. calling leo a misogynist is just objectively ridiculous; the most "misogynistic" behaviour he ever exhibits is flirting awkwardly and thinking of himself as a casanova but even then when he gets put in his place it's not like he gets angry or violent or even all that upset. it's clear that his flirty behaviour is just another coping mechanism that can manifest negatively like, say, his bullying frank. he's best friends with piper, is intimidated by annabeth, and becomes close with hazel and reyna. all characters with which he has completely normal and meaningful interactions with. frankly i don't get at all how people see him as some raging misogynist—the most he has is a minor sexism problem that is typical of most teenage boys, one that even percy has.
tldr; no. nothing leo does is ever that serious.
#leo valdez#heroes of olympus#this is an ask with suspiciously good timing considering what i saw on twitter today#which i think ill post about actually. just to be a hater.#anyway yeah nothing leo does in hoo is ever bad enough to be classified as misogynistic#the most his behaviour does is slightly aggravate the girls#and he doesnt have any inherent discriminatory beliefs about women#compare that to for example sylva1n—another character i love who is most definitely more of a misogynist#HIS actions actually result in far more serious consequences compared to just annoying girls slightly#(the women he dates actually get emotionally toyed with and hurt)#and HE actually has beliefs about women that are hurtful (though he admits that its nonsensical)#but those beliefs influence his actions and how he treats women around him#now leo? doesnt do either of those things. of course because its not the point of his character like it is to sylva1n's#so consequently its just not something about leos character to. yknow. worry about.#like i said: at most he's just got a case of the teenage boy flirt combined with “whoa strong women exist?”#but the idea that he actually hates women is. laughable lmao.#ricks not capable of writing that kind of protagonist#anyway anon i am SO sorry for this rant. holy shit.#i even threw a fire emblem character into the mix im sorry fksjsks#in my defense you asked me about LEO VALDEZ and also im a sylva1n liker so i have lots of thoughts about misogyny in characters#but yknow apologies are due anyway 🙏 forgive me#ask#thanks for the ask :]#riordanverse#meta
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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🥡
#smth that does trouble me is that i am extremely emotional and i have complained of that for a long time lol#it does make me feel ashamed and frustrated bc#when i was a child i had to suppress all my emotions bc i got punished for literally feeling anything#so i never learned how to process any emotions in a normal healthy way#and idk w most ppl in my life they get an intensely watered down version of me bc i just restrain myself#and dont let myself feel a lot or anything at all bc when i feel it's bad#but sometimes very rarely i like someone so so so much that like ...#if i let my love out that emotional instability will also be shown.... ://///#and idk. since i've never been in a space where i can *fully* with comfortability and security in that i can let it out (bc im scared and#careful and need time lolz) i need more of a learning curve#but i know im capable of such deep profound love and devotion and loyalty and faithfulness and like all of that#tbh 98% i have gotten to a point thanks to my avpd and fear of judgement im able to not let my instable emotions pour out#like actually i dont. no one knows me based on my vent blog lol 🖕 it's only when i get overstimulated (noise emotions impressions etc etc)#or have certain issues of mine triggered. that it pours out#i dont mean that to blame other ppl like i know that *i* have these issues and like they mainly affect and impact me#but yeah idk it's frustrating & idk how to navigate it bc 1st im emotionally locked bc im fearful of everything that includes deep feelings#then im too scared of rejection to even like try to say anything. then when i realize i didnt... realize everything i get too emotional bc#idk how to process emotions and like i just dont know??????#im just ashamed of it and i feel bad abt emotional outbursts but im also able to love so deeply and fully#and bc of my childish emotions and how fkn worthless i am i dream of a dad bf who is patient#and understanding and compassionate and takes me as i am and sees that im trying and am in pain#ppl judge that and me but thats just how i feel and what i want and need and im not hurting anyone else#i mean... except the one person who has never made me feel ashamed or bad for this and since i feel too much#he's the only one i've had emotional outbursts to and then i was too scared to show love to balance it out#(and this sounds bad but it's hard to explain and tbh i realize that it doesnt really concern anyone lol)#and yeah i regret it and yeah a lot of things i say is applicable on me as well and im self aware abt it and yeah idk :p
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