#im not built to be enjoyed for long periods of times for intimately

[dinopant]

Iv been crying so much more recently int he past few month I feel like I'm going crazy, I keep freaking out and losing it and hating myself more and more

And now my eyes sting while I'm crying and that hurts and I don't know what to do I don't know

[someonesaidtrytoblog-blog]

Someone said try to blog.

Okay, So every once in a while I think about making an attempt at explaining a little bit of how my mind works. Obviously this could be a book. And I will see how much I can type, or how I feel about doing so. But lets just start somewhere around my lack of social skills, but lack there of. So, an overview. Basically two main killers on my lack of social skills. The first, I dont care for small talk or fake people. I will not judge you until you do something that violates even the smallest of my morals. So I would say possibly critical there. Blame the Virgo sun sign, and the Virgo in mercury, Virgos ruling planet, the planet of thought. Back to the topic. Thats the first reason. The second, I do not trust anyone with my complete feelings. I will be as honest as the most honest, combined with my natural tone of voice, unfortunatly results in the reaction of a snowflake commonly. Now, lets actually start with the second one since its on the mind. I have been in thought for a long while but have determined that the main root of me not trusting people with my feelings in life is that I have always felt like my feelings never really mattered. Now repetetivly, I was temporarily blinded and have been fooled that my feelings did matter but then shortly after that, I am reminded at how they really dont matter. In my opinion, to have someone invalidate your feelings, is something that can not be recovered from. The moment someone makes me feel like my opinion does not hold matter equal to their own my first thought is that if this person, thinks something so simple as opinion, is so important it must be displayed or even felt in any manner , that theirs is superior is not someone I shall share personal feelings with. This has happened over and over again. The wall of china has been built and breached. But the breached areas are being repaired. On a side note, if this just stays here forever. I do appreciate and apologize to the people who have reached out and I have not held up to the my end of the bargain. I have tried not to complain because some people have reached out. But for some reason the bond we have is not necessarily a deeper connection like the only one I currently pursue. That has nothing to do with how I feel about the friendship we have. We just vibe a different way. Back to the first one. Small talk and fake people. Let me explain a frustration with relations. I wont approach a woman, never know when you may catch them at the wrong time. I will say good morning on the way home from work , when I stop at the gas station, on my morning routine. To any person eye contact is made. But thats about it. If I get a second opportunity and can think of a line on just one main thing. I have to be able to relate something from tone or emotion of a room to an object or happening, to something intelligent or factual that I posses in my mind. Which I fill with the most random of facts. But anyway. Even when I get the opportunity, to just be loved. Which is all I wish for really. I will need to be attracted to you. As well as be able to relate in common morals. I will also need to be able to live up to your sexual desires. If you can not do that, I believe that in this world , you need to let that woman go. In a world with so many people if she is not being sexually satisfied to be honest, if shes not being honest with herself eventually she will be and if she can not fight her natural desires then it wont end well. What I mean bro is if your girl wants you to tie her up and spank her and pull her hair a little bit because the small amount of pain, and change in position, bring to her more pleasure. Get the fuck on , boy. Again anyway, I like to ramble a bit. Some people enjoy my opinions. And I dont really tell them to anyone. All this shall remain anonymous, But I will put a signature. Reason for it is, I already have enough haters and its easier to ignore them if they dont know who you are. Again though I do respect your opiniom on whatever it may be, doesnt mean my actions may seem so sometimes. I can agree. Again, even through the repeated grammar mistakes. Which I just dont care enough to sit and debate it if its not natural, resulting in run on sentences. Even my ramble should tell you a little about my brain. And maybe even the excitement to finally get some of these things out. So If I do post this I hope someone enjoys it. Remember this could have several chapters. So in question was the statement from the first paragraph, " But lets just start somewhere around my lack of social skills, but lack there of. " Note lack there of. And let me go on about this for a minute. So, the thing is when I do get the chance to carry conversation, I am very good at it. For anyone I want to vibe with anyway. I am passionate about certain things in life. From things I enjoy that keep my attention, all the way to the way children should be raised, these are important things to vibe on for me. Battles not wished to be fought down the road, or any other basic moral, Are actually conversations she wants from friends. Honestly straight on a side note, if you have a belief you value as a moral I will always respect that you hold that belief. I say this because you should have been cyritical about forming an opinion you find moral. If you have not then  as open you were to the belief you have, is as open you should be to others. But become critical and make sure you question everything with a logical amount of cause. A start to being open minded. Obviously they believe something for a reason. If you cant prove it , or prove it false, even if in found not logical. When lacking disrespect, there is no need to start any. Back to my original attempt at explanation, the lack of the lack of social skills. Once opportunity for more than a 30 second period pops up and I see any kindness in your eyes, our conversation will begin and end with knowledge. Honestly, women say they love my conversation. But they usually go, see second paragraph for feelings on that. The problem I seem to have, and this is my opinion; When a woman enjoys an intelligent conversation, then each time it occurs in the first few encounters the farther and farther in the friendzone you will finish. Even if you are being intimate with her. In this day and age its unfortunste the small amount of women who seem to exist that actually are attracted to a man who they think they are attracted to. Its like they all have just a piece of what they preach they want from a man. You can literally put in all you got, be as sweet and respectful, as well as satisfying to her, make a decent living, and she will say she loves you. But a rare woman these days doesnt give the good men a chance. Because they are the ones that dont want to risk talking to you, in fear they may only cause more burden on your day, because you seem in a rush, we rather just not bother you with our possibly annoying presense. We just wish everyone a decent day. But back to what I was saying, not enough women want a man who is strong, sensitive and as rough as they require. They would rather suffer mentally, and silently about certain things. Some which end up of matter. Which is unfortunate in most cases. Literally my mentality is this if you show continued interest in our conversation, and end in loving who I am and what I believe in. I will do everything in my power to make you happy. Im so down. Just the fact that you love and support me will make me fall for you. But at the first sign of you being un interested in me, by my own standards which are not out of reason, I am out emotionally. Im dipping, to many excuses, you shouldnt have any if you are pursuing that type of conversation. When intent is clear. In example. I send you a text three mornings in a row saying, "good morning" . And you dont respond. I throw one goodnight in those three good mornings somewhere. So four attempts total over atleast three days. And no Response. Do not text me three weeks later talking about how you had a good time and would like to go out again. This was days previous to our first date and we were talking steady all the way up until the date which actually did go well, but anyway. I know you just want some free food and a laugh. Oh and probably some drama free intelligent conversation, all while stuck in her phone anyway. But not for romantic pursuals, Dont forget,  As mentioned previously with what to me seems like the most attractive approach to a good conversation, an intelligent yet entertaining but real conversation about life in all aspects. Actually gets you further into the endzone being the friendzone. And if you done caught feelings, make sure you take proper to rid yourself of them, and when she asks for advice that you cant beleive she has the audacity to ask, either answer in patience or not at all. If you cant handle helping her not be with you, dont try to continue being her friend.Because of her friends she may ask for solutions to get over you, even if not directly. If you end up friendzoned and you move  on. Your best bet is at the first sign of jealousy commited. If you can handle being her friend who knows what may happen in time. She may grow to be attracted to your ability to carry intelligent and meaningful conversation. And the tables will turn. If she does not, then she is already your friend. And you are already okay with that. So go on. Again, caught rambling. I hope someone reads all this. Its long. I Have never read, or typed something so long, honest, and personal. All while completly fucking the grammar. Eventually you will find a woman who loves you even when you are an ass and you should love that woman anyway she needs, because if she didnt love you at some point she would be gone. And if you have even the smallest belief that she loves you, then do what you must to hang on to her. For love is prescious and should be more occuring in its natural state and not on a temporary pallet. Real love is understand that you will not quit on someone who has not quit on you. Percieve quit as you will. To each their own. So like I said I ramble alot here. My apologies. Hope someone enjoyed it.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i spoke it out loud. 

i spend like.. alot of time in my head now. no one cares to hear things without giving their dumbass opinion. sometimes i just need to say it out loud and today i opened up to a friend ive bonded very close with but havent been in alot of contact with which meant i had to explain scenarios from start to finish - not brief blips of anxiety fueled thoughts about details.

today i felt publically embarassed. it really, really bothered me that for all ive heard and listened to from him he bailed on my show that he volunteered to be apart of two fucking months ago. it wasnt like i forced him to be involved. i didnt even ask him like i wanted him to do it. it was very casual do you want to be apart of it - sure. 

i dont think you understand. under all the shitty men ive stuck it out with being treated like a lesser human while building a reputation and skill in my field FROM FUCKING NOTHING while people fucking died and break ups i id nothing but GET FUCKING BETTER. not a god damn thing stopped me because i kept my personal life seperate. 

but this didnt start seperate. and like i think he sees this as nothing when its fucking everything to me and im fucking tired of people seeing it as some junk hobby i do because im “unemployed”. and look - even i can see how fucked up it can be sometimes but people enjoy what i do. i give back to MY community which is compromised of atleast 100+ more people and giving back to a community is not defined in lare fucking numbers like i have to contribute to the whole of society. maybe i fucking am. 

and i am really... im angry. im just straight up fucking angry and these things never even came up. none of this is questioned. he didnt insult me. he fucking BAILED which is probably the biggest insult of them all. like... i even brought up the fact he coul be about to cheat on me and i’m more pissed that he insulted me in such a way. do i have a fucking degree? do i pull a paycheck? no. but this is fucking valuable. i see it everytime my miserable piece of shit ass pulls together a gathering or event. the fucking city approached me because i created a product they wanted and for the fucking INTEGRITY of the community i stood up and offered my professional reputation on the line to do better. and you cant show up to a fucking 16 person event and read a god damn story? really? that is an embarassment on my behalf to my personal colleagues and god damnit i fucking live here and i have no choice but to work with this because i want better now not 5 years down the road when im all settled and everything is just a thing i do on the weekends. why cant i contribute now. why cant i build myself this way.

so even if you thin these colleagues are unworthy - you stepped into my fucking realm and you so deeply disrespect something i have built from nothing. my professional reputation is associated with your piece of shit fly by night ass and you know what? my fucking bad. i would never in a million years put up with this shit from anyone not puttin gtheir dick in me so this is absolutely ridiculous. i cant even tolerate this in myself any longer and i hope - honestly - i fucking hope you used this as a leaping point into your big break up because this is what’ll make it stick. right. because you “cant fuck someone else” to solidify an ending but you can assault me in multiple ways.

and we both fucking know. we both legitimately fucking know what happened and thats why were not fucking and thats why youre not trying. this - this is all just natural now. and when they ask me ill have to act dumb - oh i have no idea why hes just this crazy guy its what he does when we both know and this sick twisted brain turned to fucking shit. who rehashes such shit. i was with a guy for way fucking longer than almost any of my current peers and i am not fucking with him but you dont think we didnt grow up together? we ha a whole fucking lifetime together, really. i shared an entire thing that no one else fucking knows about but us but you think i ned to rehash that shit with him? fuck no. 

ironic right. i wanted to say how toxic it is to be addicted to the past but i would know. i would fucking know the most and we’re all matthew mccougnhey in dazed nd confused addicted to the past to the nostalgia care free late teens early 20s but we’re fucking old and everyone else has grown up but us and we’re here in the ghettos of the wasted suburbs, drinking and smoking weed to numb the fact that we hit our peaks at 16. 

do i even give a fuck? like i give A fuck. clearly. im thiining about it. but not in the sense that im hurt. like its some deep offense that he would do such things. i have never believed a word he has said about our relationship. i believe any mention of long term past next week is a fucking joke. but he’s also incredibly kind to me. an i dont think at all that he would carry on some “affair” in private - THATS not our deal. 

i dont care that hes talking to her. the grief process is hard and this is a fucked up situation. that doesnt bother me. i think its super wrong to carry on a relationship with this person in close measures but finding a path through grief - whether 2,3,5 years; i get it. does he need to fuck her? nope. and i have had a strange enough relationship - i am not interested in carrying on one tht is knowingly false. 

he told me he didnt love me a few weeks ago. before that in another major blow up he mentioned how that particular fight woul lead to a “scar” that woul sit on the relationship. not that it woud be brought up again but acknowledging that he was and is creating real scars emotionally and mentally. it’s not manipulative - i’m here of my own freewill, i deal of my own free will. and this happens not often enough to be a malicious attempt at control. and we dont talk about things. ever. an entire year where we have never spoken about the details of these things we both COMPLEteLY KNOW ABOUT. like we both know he kind of sexually assaulted me for real. and isay for real because of the nature of our relationship but we both strayed from the necessary things for such a relationship that wouldve led to this not even happening and i dont “blame” myself. i absolutely did not want to have sex with him. absolutely did not. i said i did not want to have sex with him. i said no. i did not physically stop him in any way because of the nature of our relationship and the disrespect of my own body as well as maybe a need for approval from him because i associate sex in an intimate romantic relationship as an expression of love from a sexual person. and its hard because i do legitimately feel asexual; i have no interest. i have actual no interest and i feign interest or find ways to be interested to a degree but i dont care. so i am in a position where i am frequently disconnectin from the physical act happening to my body because i may not even be necessarily enjoying it on that sexual level. to me its an appendage inserted in a hole and it’s kind of invasive and a really od experience with someone. like its just odd to do that with a person and share eachother like that - TO ME. but this is like fighting homosexuality. i cant argue a sexual persons desires. 

so i enter a relationship already essentially to a technical definition being assaulted. im never truly having consensual sex because i have no desire but i guess i do consent to the invasion of my body. i dont disagree with it happening because  if i love you i dont really care if thats your thing. its not that big of a deal. brushing your teeth, taking a shower. all just things you do. this is what a majority of eople do. 

but we both fucking know. no matter how many times we had sex where it started with a playful no we both know i absolutely did not want this. my body did not even want it and he still kept going and i was not even making noise and he still kept going and the air was not right when it was over because he STILL KEPT GOING. i was not upset. i did not cry. i didnt lament for hours on it. i turned over and went to sleep because he didnt hurt me. he broke my trust. i’m not traumatized by the experience, i wont put him on the “bad boyfriend” list and make him out to be a predator because hes not. i dont know why he did this. maybe he thought it was okay and he convinced himself it was okay when it wasnt.

we didnt talk about this. we didnt mention it at all but when he heard no next time he immediately stopped. when he heard it again, he immediately stopped. and everytime after, his hands immediately dropped from my body. we both know. can he apologize? we both know. i know he knows. there is zero reason for this change in behavior.

the last time i saw him he drove me to his house so i could smoke weed because of period cramps. and then he dropped out. hes too far in the dog house now and hes not even going to try to get out. this is tooooooo far. on top of everything else when im literally doing nothing but existing in my own shit life. i already look at him now and i dont see the same thing and i want to. but i keep asking myself what the fuck is this where are we going. and ive asked it for an entire year. i asked it so much his face changed and im still the same because i have a need to not give up even when its time. 

and you know. had he called me and said im tired/got home late/too much traffic /tried & failed on story and made a genuine effort to seem apologetic on a personal level to me id probably be okay. but instead he just said “sorry. not going.” and ignored all further calls and texts. thats disgusting and like im trying and have been trying really hard to mentally be a better person and this was one of those times he had an opportunity to not do this and he did exactly what i would expect him to do following a stupid message like that. 

now what? now hes created a thing. now i gotta wait the fucking 2 - 3 days for him to think i forgot about it or am not as angry so we can sit in the same room, not talk about it and carry on as normal.

but you know what? i was pissed. and i ruminated. but i didnt act. i sent a succinct few messages less than 160 characters asking him to call me and asking if there was any way to get a ride and moved on because all i know is that he’s never goingt o be involved in any of my professional shit ever again. hes totally disbarred from this project and even though hes been a big supporter in the past i dont need this emotional drama involved. totally ot worth it an not valuable to anyone so i dont need a long message because im just going to do whatever i want an not involve him. he doesnt need a big dramatic thing about it. and fuck you that i cant even get a ride. why even waste the energy involved in the dramatic message. thats my message this time. my message is the time he absolutely 100% expects me to send the ramatic message.