#im not at home and i have no ibu

[caffeinated-rat-bastard]

YES PLEASE

[cutebutahandful]

ramadan mubarak

day 2: i rly feel the degradation of the body as we grow older. how is it that this was the same body i fasted while training? hesitant also to use the word degradation bc i am turning only 30 this year - baby numbers in the increasing lifespan of human beans!! gr8ful however for continuing to focus on my body in a healthy way, may we all be blessed with good health even in our golden years.

been having the craziest migraines the past two days and i think it's partially bc of this infernal heat. i can weather the harshest of winters but a tropics girlie i am NOT. anything above 33 degree and im folding plus humid countries make me want 2 ascend this corporeal flesh bag and turn into a rain cloud. being part of climate research and reading the latest studies make my heart feel v heavy tho - i don't want 2b pessimistic but it's hard to see real, tangible change happening. my hope is that i can do enough to pave the way at least so even if change doesn't happen in my gen, it'll be in the next. lowkey want it 2 happen in my time tho bc these migraines are not it.

ayah today made me tear up a bit bc i know he would rather have iftar at the mosque but he came back home today so i wouldn't have to iftar alone. he also said he will come back whenever i have to iftar at home so we can break fast together 🥺😭❤️ bc of my migraine i was also feeling v woozy so ibu and ayah taught me how to pray sitting down so it would be more comfy. they both also said i could/should be an MUA which is very validating. gr8ful for them both 😭❤️😭❤️😭❤️😭

nfs has also been accompanying me lately bc i havent been feeling well and spiraling which is v sweet considering she is a Teenager™. she knows im an acts of service girlie and has been running to get me cold towel compresses for my migraine, putting the kets in my room so i feel better and just staying w me when she knows i have nightmares/am sad 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

while writing this also i am gr8ful bc even tho the past couple days were Not Fun and ya girl is suffering, it also remind me that i havent had many bad days in a long while, which is a far cry from 2020-2022 when bad days, whether physical or mental, were the norm. Alhamdulillah for all growth and for all improvements, may betterment underscore my future in this world and the next.

[sweaterhangat]

Em, i dont know why, lately you remember your mom again, remember all the pain that youve hiding so long.

One of my insecure is home. Gua aslinya gak punya rumah, yang sekarang gua tempatin itu punya mbah gua. But, even though, i really like it, cuz we have place to sleep.

Dulu punya rumah, di tuntang rumah kayu warna hijau biru pucat, pinggir kali aka sungai. Trus pindah ke gogik, sama mbah, i dont have my room for me, it should together.

Kita pindah ke ruko, rumah toko. Sambil jualan buku dan herbal, sebelahnya ada tukang cukur rambut. Bukan rumah toko lantai atas bawah. Rumah toko, tokonya di depan, bagian belakang dianggap sebagai rumah. Dengan 2 sekat kamar tidur, dan 1 kamar mandi. Di situ mulai punya bronkhitis. Masih inget gua dikasih bawang merah sama bapak, minum ibat, obatnya dibuang ke atap. Rumah dengan pintu gredekan. Jadi pengen the real rumah.

Pindah ke rumah kutilang depan masjid. Seru sih, udah punya kamar sendiri, ada jendela lagi. Tapi di depan kita kasih tambahan buat toko. Jadi inget sering bungkusin kurma wkwk. Minusnya, sering banjir, pernah gua sama kakak, terlalu pules tidur sampe gak sadar udah basah kuyup karena kebanjiran. Haha. Jadi pengen rumah yang bebas banjir.

Pindah, ke rumah kutilang depan sawah. So far paling good, cuma jendelanya ditutup biar gak lembab. Sambil jualan soto di sebelah. Makanya sampe sekarang mati urip sama soto/sop. Hmm ibu meninggal di sini. Not so good memory

Now, kita pindah lagi ke tuntang. Which is, rumah mbah. Masih sederhana banget, kadang sering insecure. Padahal tau aslinya banyak orang yang pengen mampir. Im sorry guys.

Yahh, makanya sampe sekarang kalo ada yang punya rumah bagus, berlantai bersih gua udah menganggap mereka kaya wkwk.

Sekilas cerita tentang rumah. Bagaimana rumahmu?

28 sept 2023.

[mnovenia]

Day 6 & 7 in Korea - 1 & 2 Aug 2023

Day 6 in Korea - 1 Aug 2023 (It's a brand new month)

Woke up trying to forget what happened last night, Bella just said kopark mabok banget ya, and i was like whatever, let's not talk about it. Idk this part of culture the drinking part, if it's acceptable even in church's perspective.

WRC begin that day, we're heading to Dr Robbin's near church to eat with our Bali Camp leader. I dragged all my suitcases along, and ate the best pumpkin soup ever. Kwonsanim treated us, gave me precious alba mask and said: you're always seem so positive, cheerful, sincere, and bright. Even we didnt manage to talk a lot during the camp, but I can tell your character :""") aduh mo nangis gak sih, inget Marsh the glory belongs to God alone, not a single thing is from your effort OK! be humble. Then Bu anita who's thoughtful brought a very delish cake from Paris Baguette as it's Kwonsanim's birthday. She shared about her kids who's grown up and why i still havent married lol. They planned to drive me to airbnb, so nice of them but i said im ok w taxi because I believe they all have other schedule. Bella was also having another meeting, i was wishing she'd join me as i nervous but nevermind, she called a taxi, i spoke to the gisanim who's kind. I politely said i didn't plan to go to gonghaeng, but pls just follow the address. He said: of course i knew you're a foreigner etc and spoke kindly to me, drove me to the closest part of my air bnb and gave me a bit of discount to. Hehe thank you God i survived again in this country with your guidance. I managed to open the room well, with fancy door, smelly old dark building just like in the drama and it's actually in the area of Lotte where i went with Bella droven by taekyun oppa last year. So I settled down, bought water etc to 711, but twas the hottest day ever 34 derajat till i was so exhausted. I bought water, coffee, snacks, refill my t card and the ahjumma was so nice, saw me with pity and treated me nicely. Praise God, everywhere I go, God brought light at the back of my head kynya, that people can only see the good in me and trying to be kind :'') that's when I realize geu bitchero that I have to share to the world.

Then I rested for a bit, was so tempted to not going WRC because it's only for a while and I had to take bus for the 1st time n a bit afraid. Anyhow, in the heat I managed to go, found Yewon church, stopped at KBS, Ibu Anita already messaged me, I know I was late going n trying to figure out the bus etc, Bella was worried too n asked me to take taxi instead but nope.

I arrived and listened to Luvim: Love. Idk why I felt a bit emotional, a bit lonely and loveless when I live alone. Everybody (my bali camp team too busy with their lives and can't always entertain me, etc). Maybe that how God wants to teach me ya, it's lovely to be surrounded by family and friends. However, if i think about it know, i shouldn't bersungut2 and just keep going cheerfully, enjoy a bit of loneliness and having own time. I didn't know that even in a week God can changed the whole situation and gave me the best memory in Korea, nomu sarang sereopta :)

It was a nice time with kwonsanim, Jihoon, ci Yenni, Salomo, etc. It was an opening ceremony so we watched online and sing together. I sat at the 3rd culture group. Afterwards around 9 everybody is leaving, so is ci Yenny etc, but I decided to have fun uhuhhuyy..

I went to Ehwa Hospital where Hospital Playlist scenes was taken. It felt like a dream come true HAHAHA, naik haji drakor mania. Twas such a nice memory, I took videos on my own, walking around even though it's dark etc. I wish next time I can come back with someone I like that can know about hospital and can show me around ;) Amen..

Then I headed home cheerfully, so freely like nothing is chasing me. I jumped to the bus and i saw kim seok jin's face (sticker) next to where I sat. hehe.. I make a video about a day in my life, then I went to pyenajeom GS near air BnB. I saw ik jun face everywhere, at mask brand, fried chicken brand (I sent to Jentya), I bought doosirak, kobuk chips, drinks, kimbap, honey butter chips OMO so good. If i weren't in IF program I'd ate rightaway. That's all, I managed to spend 1 night in my air b&b, so quiet and nice and adjusted well. Thank you so much Lord for protection and everything.

[bornlover]

Dear, the kandang monyet family aka sisters i've got to choose. Terlalu banyak moment yang kita buat sampe perasaan yang ditinggalin juga campur aduk. What they said "what's in lpk stay in lpk" right? Sebagus dan semenyedihkan apapun memori kita di lpk, semuanya beku disitu. Mau kita ulang atau perbaikipun gak bisa. Beruntung banget aku dikasih kesempatan buat perbaiki semua satu persatu, meski semua di foto itu abu abu, aku dikasih kesempatan buat warnain dengan warna yang jauh lebih cantik.

Love and hate relationship yang kita jalin di lpk itu semata mata karena kita punya koneksi satu sama lain, jauh kangen deket berantem. Ujung ujungnya kalaupun ada salah satu dari kita yang pergi tetep mewek bareng bareng juga.

Thankyou for being sisters for me, i feel like i have a home in someone' s soul. Makasih udah banyak mentolerir ke cerobohan aku ya, jadi tempat aku pulang berkali kali dengan banyak pelajaran didalamnya. Thanks for being my 3am deep talk partner, even a hug from teh lala that day, i wish i could have one chance for do it Twice.

Thanks for the weirdest birthday gift i've ever received, i feel completed. Orang orang kaya trinka dan teh lala adalah orang yang gak mungkin 2x aku temuin dalam hidup. Maaf ya, atas semuanya. I should listen more. Kalian semua orang orang baik, dan kalau gue dikasih kesempatan buat lahir kembali, let's be sisters again.

Orang orang kaya adek, angel, anah. Adalah orang orang yang banyak ngajarin gue how to be the older sister is. Betapa sulitnya dealing with their ego sometimes but its okay, i've learn a lot. Kalau ada kesempatan aku lahir kembali, yuk kita lahir di tahun yang sama. Makasih banyak ya, berkat kalian semua aku jadi bisa lebih ngontrol ego aku sendiri.

Orang kaya putri dan ria adalah orang orang yang ngajarin aku tentang arti ambisi dan sabar. Punya banyak tujuan, banyak yang harus dilakuin juga tapi tetep sabar ngejalanin semuanya, walau harus hancur dan nangis dulu, but everything gonna be okay. Makasih ya, ria aku kangen banget masakan ibu kamu yang kamu bawain ke aku tiap Senin pulang kerja, putri juga, Its nice to know the fact that Im the only friends you would love to talk about your personal problem to. Thankyou for trusting me. I wish i could meet you again, very soon.

Diakhir cerita ini, aku cuma bisa nyesel karena kebanyakan buang buang waktu untuk hal hal gapenting, kalau aja bisa putar waktu, aku milih untuk gak kenal siapapun yang bikin aku jauh dari kalian semua. Harusnya bisa banyak memori kan? Harusnya bisa lebih seru dari ini kan? Maaf ya, Kalaupun semuanya udah jadi abu abu, makasih udah kasih kesempatan aku buat warnain ulang. I feel so much better. Thankyou, sisters.

[owonekonyaa]

How To Type 日本語 on Linux

There are several methods to type foreign languages on arch linux. First  using Ibus Method and other one, using Fcitx. today i’m gonna show you how to install fcitx on Linux and configure it. Now let’s get started.

1.  Sync your repository and Update your system 

Arch Linux : “sudo pacman -Syu”

Debian : “sudo apt-get update” “sudo apt-get upgrade”

if you have the latest version, you don’t need to update, just sync the repository.

2. Install fcitx package

Arch Linux : “sudo pacman -S fcitx fcitx-mozc fcitx-configtool”

Debian : “sudo apt install  fcitx fcitx-mozc fcitx-configtool“

configtool is used for configuring input.

3. edit /etc/locale.gen and uncomment japanese language

“sudo nano /etc/locale-gen

“Ja_JP.UTF-8 UTF-8″

5.  I forgot to do this. but make sure you generated the locale as well.

“sudo locale-gen”

4. Create a new dotfile called “.pam_environment” in your home directory, and insert these lines:

GTK_IM_MODULE DEFAULT=fcitx QT_IM_MODULE DEFAULT=fcitx XMODIFIERS DEFAULT=@im=fcitx

save it and exit.

5. Edit your autostart config. 

deending on your desktop or window manager. if you are using i3wm, add this on your i3/config

“exec --no-startup-id fcitx”

if you are on bspwm, add fcitx on your bspwmrc

if you are on openbox, add fcitx to openbox/autostart

Some desktop environment has it’s own tool to manage autostart. please refer to your DE/WM Documentation

This will run fcitx on startup

6. reboot your computer.

7. open fcitx config tool and add a new input method (+)

8. select “mozc” and click ok

to switch the input method, you can use CTRL+Space shortcut, and type everything in japanese.

in addition of CTRL+Space, you can also change the input method via system tray, if your bar/panel have it.

[thekingsparty]

//so, we’ve been back home for a bit but had to eat and blah and i got mom into bed after a very long, v stressful day. i’m gonna ramble on angrily under the cut for those who wanna read, otherwise quick summary. mom’s not really been helped, we gotta make sure to bring her in if her hands gets any more numb and she will have to stay there until ...well, idk. a while. i’m dead tired and just doodling around making icons while watching markiplier. i had to reschedule teaching to tomorrow, thursday is regular and then friday is class. im defs gonna try getting some sleep tonight for once. 

so, mom is v stubborn and doesn’t usually go see doctors. we all know now where i got that from lol, tho for me it’s mostly the fear of interacting with humans lol. so we got her to the doc today but they wouldn’t see her bc it was crowded and so they sent her off to the hospital bc she can’t wait until the 15th when their next open maybe-appointment is. she has been in pain since november and constant pain since new year. my mom is a fckn iceblock when it comes to pain usually, so for her to be unable to think due to pain ... i really don’t wanna imagine how bad it really is. her hand started going numb yday, which is the main reason she agreed to get help finally. 

we got to the hospital she used to feel safe in and promptly got her opinion changed. nurse lady was so, so horrible. she basically subtly called mom out for going there when she didn’t “just fall today” and made her out to be like a hypochondriac when she was basically crying in front of the lady in pain. i kept her on her feet but (and mom usually is like.. she’s got a bigger mouth than any other person on the world with excessive self esteem lol) she was so out of it after the lady spat at her the way she did, she barely got any words out, she forgot to mention her allergies and lady also didn’t even check if mom was taking any meds before offering all kinds of pain meds. like wtf. she then sent us back to the waiting room with the warning that we would have to wait very, very long bc mom isn’t really sick ofc. >_< 

so we waited for almost 6h, then finally got in. doc was young and v cold at first, which didn’t go over well with mom bc she almost collapsed on the floor after sitting for so long and i had to fckn carry her into the room. there were nurses and staff all around who saw her and nobody gave a fckn shit a potential patient clawed her way along the wall towards the room at the end of the corridor. ugh. anyway, he didn’t introduce himself or anything at first but i think he noticed how bad mom was doing and he softened up a little. still kinda cold but ... less so. he did a few tests and blah. so he’s p sure  one or more of the ver...tebral discs uhhh well, between neck and shoulder did a thing. her worst pain (it starts between shoulder blade and spine basically and vibrates/throbs into her fingers) is located a bit too ...high or low, but he still thinks so. he did some slapping on her neck lol and she like: i mean.... you’re hitting me so yea it hurts. XD 

anyway, he wants her to get an mri asap, but it’s not bad enough for them to do anything about it other than give her different pain meds. she’s using v strong ones (they dun help but attack the stomach) so he’s given her 2 days worth of strong ibu (you only get a dose of 400mg here, stronger is a doc thing) but given that doc won’t see her until like .. the end of next week if lucky... great day, really. if her hand gets any number and she can’t grip anything anymore, we gotta bring her in immediately. *sigh* i just want the pain to stop for her. she’s so done i can see it but there’s nothing i can do. she wants to rest tomorrow bc she’s v unstable emotionally rn and today like, finished her off, but i’m gonna gently poke for her to call anyway and maybe poke my student’s mom about seeing if mom’s ordinary doc (blood pressure etc) can get her the papers for an mri despite another doc having to look at them later on. student’s mom works at our doc’s place. 

[kiarazuri]

Almost just had a meltdown at work

Closest ive been in a long time. Ive been working a lot (more than my body can really handle tbh) and a new pain started in my arm that was just. Too fucking much. I was 3 seconds from crying and complaining freaking out even after taking some ibu and then as i was talking to a coworker to distract from the pain i found a weird stretch that SHOULD NOT have helped but somehow did. Im on the bus home now and the tears are still really close to the surface but it looks like ill be fine till i get home. Once i get there im gonna do the stretch some more and use the heating pad as well.

This breakdown has been a few weeks incoming. Im gonna need to remind my manager that my availability says i have a preference for 4 days, not 5. 😬

[shytiff]

Mar 2022

1 -  woke up late. seared chicken breasts that i bought from hypermart. ate chicken tauge and rice for lunch and chicken cheese sandwich and banana for dinner.

2 - morning shift at the triage. muesli for breakfast. a patient’s family got mad at me for not examining the patient lol. worked on Prof’s PPT and finally sent it at like 1-.30-ish pm

3 - picked up blanket laundry using nessa’s bike. ate two banana chocolate sandwich and felt sooo full. a safe afternoon shift, themed neurology lmao. got to eat my packed food of chicken, tauge and rice. got to pray isya too so all there’s left to do is shower. except i have to do some revision for Prof’s PPT.

4 - woke up at 5 am due to some weird dreams. prayed subuh. read eruri fic and tried to sleep again at 6.30- ish. woke up at 11. rheza fkui 2016 interviewed me for some start up competition. washed tri’s scrub. ate some muesli. sent the revision of Prof’s PPT. lazed and then slept again. its evening. ate 1 egg and cheese sandwich and 1 ceres sandwich. talked a bit with renata about resistance workout. purchased gift for fianti. night shift with the best team ever lol

5 - i find it difficult to nap in a short time limit huft so i didnt get to sleep. immediately packed my stuff, changed my clothes, packed muesli in my mcd tumblr and i arrived at the usual bus place at 07.05. surprisingly it only took ~2 ish hours to reach rest area. napped a bit at home. woke up hungry and ate mom’s tuna and egg sandwich. off to puri to meet up with friends (nila amel ratna maul) at seirockya. turns out maul picked up the bill for us ehehe yayy free ramen. at that point i felt suuuper full at the end of the meal. prayed, and we went to masterpiece karaoke 6 mins away (315k for 2 hrs). we alternated between dance-y songs and soft ballad-y songs lol. goyang dombret made me feel tired. sholat maghrib and waited for emir at nila’s place. felt sleeepy at bed. its the first time in a long time i feel sleepy immediately after entering bed

6 - woke up 11-ish. put myself together and ate. slept. played my phone. suddenly its evening. its difficult to sleep at night bcs of that evening and morning nap. finished reading The Companion. wept at the 2nd to last ch lmao. basically what i did today was just sleeping ahaha ;_; didnt even do borang

7 - left the house 5.10. talked lots with mom abs business etc etc and suddenly we arrived. thankfully there was no traffic along the highway. mom made sausage spaghetti for bfast yay. ate that and went to MCU. my vocal cord felt tired lol. went back to mess at 12, cooked sausage, egg and kangkung for lunch. back at the mcu at 14.30 and explained some mcu results. shopped online a bit today. listened to liqo while laying down and i end up fallng asleep and waking up close to 20.00 pm lolll. ate egg and cheese sandwich and its probably the best tasting sandwich ive ever made lol. drank protein and tried to sleep again but end up sleeping at 12 ish again, always, hufttt

8 - woke up at 8. i remember waking up when my alarm woke and i was not too sleepy but i end up sleeping again. i need to pull myself together. ate the last portion of muesli and granola. watched rob and zoe press junket on youtube lol, today’s shift theme is surgery lol. got 2 appendicitis patient, one was for OK cito that day at 22. met dr Enny and dr Gin Gin. 

9 - woke up at 9-10ish. mustered the courage to go out and buy egg and some other stuff. fried chicken and rice for lunch. im not motivated to do anything. arirang for dinner. binged some jerome-hitomi youtube vids. night shift at the triage with detri. quite safe

10 - got to lay down a bit at 5 am. kak yustin told the morning shift peeps about an accident that turned out to be a murder case. i walked a bit to palm hills, ate nasi uduk (and saw kak labib lol) and chatted with ibu nya, walked back, bought veggies. showered. sleep and woke up 13.30. ate 2 piece of oatchoco accompanied by chocolate milk. rly rly shouldve did laundry and ran at the evening but i ended up closing my eyes again. suddenly its close to maghrib. boiled carrots and green beans and fried fish nugget. felt full. and i ate some black thunder after. read some eruri fics and dj lol.still cant bring myself to do anything. typing this at 22.45 and i havent washed my hair and did the TWO things on my to do list today: hair wash and laundry. huftttt

11 - woke up late. finally managed to do some laundry. went to hypermart and bought some snacks. i somehow felt rly refreshed after going out, so much that i tidied up my table and opened up my laptop. also set up with snacks and matcha latte. did borang while watching belle. its a meh movie, with a rly nice animation and songs. tried to sleep early but always end up sleeping late

12 - morning shift. hurriedly cooked sausage for bento. its a nice vibe at the beginning of the shift until patients gradually come in. jajan cakwe. drank leftover matcha latte after shift. was in a nice mindset that dat, after shift. but im sleepy. wanted to run but ended up doing a bike ride for a bit. its fucking tiring lmaoo. cooked chicken (wrong chicken lol) for evening food. i basically tidied up nicely after isya and was settled in bed at 8 pm, but i read eruri fic, went pass my sleepy phase, and ended up not being able to sleep, eating 3 pieces of bread and sleeping at 1 astagaaaaa

13 - woke up at 9-ish. ‘prepare’ webinar (acls by dr radit) by iluni.  bought ayam geprek master and yall it tasted nice but its been a while since i had that much oil in one time lol. will have it for lunch and dinner lol. started reading Monster by Naoki Urasawa and it boggles my mind. went in it blind and im surprised to find the MC was a neurosurgeon lol. afternoon shift. 2 code blues back to back on the beds that was across of each other. 1 code blue followed by the other within minutes. well, talk about applying the webinar knowledge.. slept at like 1 bcs of manga lol

14 - somehow i could wake up for subuh prayer. tried to sleep again but cant, so i read manga again. nap again. cooked chicken fillet and sauteed veggies. ate it with leftover ayam geprek sambal yay some actual taste lol. its not that my food taste bad x))) its just softly tinted with flavor. triage for the night shift with kak jess kak rezha. 

15 - first time actually napping during shift. thankfully, i woke up when pak satpam said “dok ada pasien”. but surprisingly naps make you feel sleepy after shift, compared with no sleep at all. slept and woke up at 12. originally planned to go to cafe but i feel like i cant go to cafe when i just woke (i have to leave at 1ish to maximize hangout time lol) so maybe 2mrw. ate some bread to fill my belly a bit. heated up fillet and veggies for meal about 3 hrs later. binge read Monster again and i finally finished it. its amazing and mind boggling and the ending is ughhhhh. opened my laptop a bit and filled some borang. cant bring myself to think and work on ppt

16 - Went to Jannor and got my usual order. Unfortunately it was a bit rowdy that day, the patrons, lol. Some progress but less than usual if im on a cafe. Went to hypermart to buy kimchi but turns out online was cheaper so online it is. Had dinner at the nasgor place near indomaret. Bought kwetiaw special. Declined the drink lol so much that the seller insist i had a drink and said it was free lmaooo

17 - MCU today. muesli and some mini danish for breakfast. ate somay for the afternoon, with some more danish lol. bought sate padang for dinner. ordered a hotel lolll first time booking a hotel for my own self

18 - Afternoon shift. A bit more chaos than usual in the second quarter lol. did some more ppt work at night. called with ara and ical. tri joined and we end up talking about that murder case found in IGD. Talked and did PPT until my head hurts. its probably masuk angin.

  19 - woke up. did laundry. showered. end up doing ppt work at jannor anyway after zuhur lol. redeemed my 30 points for 7500 and tried vol. II kopi susu. as i thought, the original one is more delicious lol. vol II is more bitter. i think i dont rly like vanilla flavored coffee bcs i dont really taste the vanilla. did some more ppt in mess and sent the first draft to Prof. tried to nap before night shift but couldnt. busiest triage this month huffff. never rly had relaxed downtime until like 3.30 am. theres some moment to breathe here and there.

  20 - ate mie rebus, showered, got some cash at the atm, off to jakarta. soo sleepy that i keep on entering and exiting consciousness lol. woke up at serang (panickedly asked the bapak beside me where we were), woke up at the highway, and then suddenly its kb. jeruk. the kind bapak reminded my that kb jeruk is near. thankyou kind bapak :D took gojek to N hotel to leave my tote bag. walked to KFC. ordered super besar 4 and cream soup. cant manage to finish the fries. already fulllll. the cream soup is the nice liquid i need to stomach the burger and wings. hung out there to wait for the check in time. opened my laptop until the point when i cant handle the sleepiness anymore. checked in (apparently you dont need to literally wait for 14 sharp to checkin). short nap. a bit of ppt work. Prof requested a bit of change to the topic’s focus. oh welp. off to claypot. ate claypot ayam telur mentah and its rly nice for my wacked gums and growing molars. arrived at GI, prayed maghrib and waited for the movie. there was a BTS x Coway gallery and lounge! its a shame there’s no standee of jjk characters lol. its my first time trying out 4dx and its FUCCKIN AWESOME especially on the last fight of yuuta vs geto. arrived and done showering at the hotel at like 10. i shouldve just slept immediately but i play with my phone..... ;_; and suddenly its 11/12 pm. had difficulty sleeping bcs there were A LOT of mosquitoes, so much that my face was bitten in multiple spots and i got awoken like twice or thrice. 

21 - morning finally arrived. arrived at harmoni at about 6.45 and arrived in kalideres in a quick and breezy 25-30 mins. went to pkm kalideres for my teeth complaints. the dr gave rujukan and some meds. picked up by mom. ate nasi tim. finished the ppt (its so hard to find the will to) and sent it. 1 hr nap and its evening. went to hangout with clara at her house. we ate pecel lele and had quarter life crisis. picked up by emir at 7 pm. slept at 11-12ish.

22 - woke up a bit late to go to hermina. got number 70 in queue. ate my Subway sandwich while waiting. huh, it makes you feel full. but turns out even with bpjs i still have to book the doctor first so i cant go that day. so i went back and slept again lol. and then i had to go back to cilegon. dad and mom drove me. ate spaghetti along the way. the afternoon shift was a bit chaotic during maghrib times huft. ate mom’s muffin. and then its finally over. had some thooots about life priorities during the staring-at-the-ceiling time before sleeping

23 - woke up. ate oven-baked chicken katsu (fried ones taste so much more better lol), kimchi and rice. ate muesli just before shift. today’s afternoon shift is much more bearable than the previous day. ate mom’s muffin again for dinner. drank protein and talked with renata about our future after iship huuhu. crisis is basically everywhere.

24 - prayed subuh and slept again. ate muesli. went to BNI with mendel for rekening insentif. tried soto damkar (28 + 6K rice). it tasted nice and fulfilling and my stomach just loves soupy warm meal. evening nap. ate katsu + rice + kimchi and katsu + fries + kewpie for dinner lmao. kewpie just taste superior and so fucking good i dont know why. sent email to request for efin. filled this tumblr. BORANG HEYYY

25 - i think i basically did nothing today. night shift today at the triage.

26 - slept at like 1 am. woke up at 5.30 for morning shift. felt sooo sleepy. renata cooked seaweed soup and fried noodlezzz so i get to eat them after shift. tri renata and i went to maurice. tried salted caramel and tiramisu ice cream, and cadbury cheese cake. the texture of the cheese is a bit weird but it improved when put to the freezer.

27 - morning shift again with the same team of nurses (the kind ones uyey). the flow of patient was not a lot (thankfully!!) that i even get to listen to songs with pak jul lol and got like 2 hrs of absolutely nothing to do. nessa is already back and she bought bakmi acang!! yay. its deliciouss. didnt go to the cafe eventually lol

28 - cooked the last 2 katsu in the oven. ate them with kewpie (kewpie is so fucking delicious) and packed one of them for later on the shift. did laundry after stalling for like 1 or 2 days lol. evening shift with kak rezha and kak andri. there was quite a lot of patients, that eventually eased out at the last 2 hrs. i rly need to sleep immediatelyy but i ended up reading more fanfic LOLLL

29 - woke up at 4.30-ish. ate indomie and tidied my stuff. off to damkar at 6.30 by gojek (since maxims were all far away). arrived at rest area at 8 am. turns out mom already registered me so all i had to do is come and register at the policlinic. got called at 930 ish. the doctor noticed that i went to hermina when it was newly opened lol (mom said when i was about 3). he said i got impacted molars on the left bottom. so i had to get x-rayed first. did the panoramic xray and mom picked me up. ate nasgor. did some borang. relaxing at my room is always the besttt.

30 - woke up at 7 ish. ate mom’s nasgor. originally planned to take my radiography first but i guess it would have to wait since im already running late. took TJ to galnas and met up with fianti. saw 2 exhibitions. took TJ to sarinah from gambir 2. saw the rooftop and the mall. took gocar to kokas. ate fishnco (platter and caesar salad). felt so fulllll. played at amazing town. we finished at about 15.30. fi went home and i figured my way to ashta. took TJ (turns out there’s a small bus so there’s TJ even though there’s no obvious stop). but i took the wrong way (left from kokas). i should’ve went right. eventually got to patra jasa halte and then took the blok M one to bundaran senayan. walked ~12 mins to ashta. met up with regen. saw an exhibition and turns out the artist was there lol. regen said “when they said ‘culture’ it was our cue to leave”. sat at ashta marketplace. regen irun gave me a nanami cake omgggggg. talked a bit. and we moved to bakerman. bought some to bring home and tried nutella croffle with ice cream there. talked a bit, others did some borang. and then it was time to go home bcs mom picked me up

31 - woke up. prayed. slept again. woke up at 11-ish. lazed and played with my phone 2-3 hrs. there was a looming thought in me to, like, open your laptopp. but i didnt. ate at like 3-ish pm. ate some of the bakerman croissant. opened the package clara sent me, its a cute laptop sleeve. relaxed again. a bit of nap again loll. and then suddenly its 6 pm. prayed maghrib and then i would have to go back to CLG (the car is used 2mrw since dad’s going to the office). 

[justypingthese]

clock in

today is 24 january 2021, 4.45 PM.

i already quit the job that i hate. and now im moving back to my parents house. yes, my parent’s house. my chaotic, toxic parents.

jujur, dari dulu gue selalu ngerasa ga butuh2 banget punya ibu. karena emang dari dlu gue ga pernah punya ibu. gw besar sama bokap gue. i used to admire my dad when i was a kid. i would cry if my dad had to go to work. dan dari dulupun gue ga pernah tinggal lama sama bokap gw, he’s always on the go. kita bisa ga ketemu bertahun-tahun, only for him to get a job and also marry a woman. 

i remember my dad told me, papi skrg udah tua, butuh pendamping, dan aku yang masih kecil cuma bisa meng-iyakan saja apa maunya dia. tapi hasilnya karena dari kecil gue dititipin ke tante gw yang ga pernah punya anak, dan gue kalo pulang ke rumah ga boleh ngobrol sama orang rumah, sekarang gue punya social anxiety yang gue setuju sekarang adalah yang paling parah di hidup gue. dari duu gue selalu mikir kalo gue pengen balik dan hidup sama mama gw di taiwan, but it doesnt guarantee me for having a better life. yang gue tangkep dari hidup gue sejauh ini, you cant just raise your kids and hope them to figure the shits out for themselves. 

gw sama papi ga punya hubungan yang baik. hubungan kita cuma sebatas gue minta duit sama lo. my dad once in a blue moon blg dia sayang sama gw. terakhir dia bilang gini waktu gue mau bunuh diri. tapi setelah itu, semuanya kembali seperti semula, rasanya dirumah gw ini orang asing. i always try to fit in and please them. 

dulu waktu bokap gue nikah sama istrinya yang sekarang, gue inget banget gue disuruh senyum terus. karena muka gue jutek. kalo dalam bahasa mereka, muka asem. dan rasanya dari dulu apa yang gue lakuin selalu salah dimata mereka. waktu gue baru pindah kesini, gue inget banget semester 2, nilai gue belum di input dengan benar sama system sekolah dan gue akhirnya rangking 3 dari bawah. bahkan anak yang baru pindah keluar dari sekolah gue rangkingnya lebih tinggi dari gue. dan gue yakin ini salah input dari sekolah karena gurunya sendiri bilang gitu ke gue. dan gue ingat persis dipikiran gue sampai sekarang, rangking itu penting banget di mata mereka. seakan-akan kalo ga ada rangking gue bisa mati saat itu juga. dan gue udah jelasin kalau system dari sekolah yang salah dan istri bokap gue ngotot bilang kalau gue yang bodoh, gue yang ga belajar. dan bokap gue juga bilang “papi bilang anak tetangga bodoh, taunya anak sendiri lebih bodoh”. 

kalau diinget-inget sebenernya banyak banget hal yang gak mengenakkan untuk diingat, tapi entah kenapa banyak kata-kata yang menyakitkan hati itu tersimpan rapat di otak gue. dari istrinya bokap gw bilang gw lonte, terus kata-kata “emang kalo papilu mati siapa yang mau urus lu? gw sih gamau”. 

dan sampai sekarang kejadian yang baru saja terjadi, gue mau pamit izin ke rumah josh. lalu istri bokap gue bilang “jangan terlalu sering ke rumah josh. kaya anak murahan. jangan memperlihatkan lu itu murahan” padahal gue yakin banget orang tua josh juga ga keberatan kalo gue kesana. dia bilang gue harus dirumah, stay home stay home. just because u stay home for a year doesnt mean i have to. dan gue kecewa banget, dia tanemin itu dipikiran gue, dan gue akhirnya gajadi pergi pdhal gue bisa pergi dengan syarat gak pulang malem. tapi my people pleasing trait ngalah, karena gue dibilang murahan sama dia. 

gue benci orang yang sok baik. dan gue benci kenapa bokap gue ga bsa jadi seorang bokap. dan gue completely alone in this house. ga ada figure orang tua yang bisa gue look up to. 

istri bokap gue bilang ke josh “tante ga izinin pergi karena hujan jalanan licin”. um, u didnt mention that to me at all? lo bilang gue murahan. 

see? gue benci banget i have to always please them. dan korbanin my own mental health. i fucking hate it here. 

kadang gue pikir, kalau seandainya tahun 2017 gue beneran mati, rasanya semuanya akan jauh lebih baik. ga akan ada lagi yang bisa gue sedihi. 

hidup itu rumit kalo serumah sama orang-orang yang ga bisa ngertiin lo. 

apa lagi lo panggil mereka orang tua.

dan lo punya mental issues.

dan lo secretly pengen mati.

[welivingindreams]

Compilation  0f 2013

29 November 13

1st dream: Jill since experience 2nd dream: hug Jill 3rd dream: Jill come to my store with an old skinny man to buy air pump

24 October 2013

Having an outing and eating at kopitiam Bangkit with ITE friends. They happily ate and they all wanted to go to another place. I ask if anyone saw my shoe and Shahidah told me that Dina threw away my shoe. Angry and frustrated, I canceled my plan and went home . On the way home I saw my family going on vacation. They told me to meet at the place while I went up and packed my things. A lady went in the lift with me and we talked. The lift went to B1 but it didn't open. I told the lady if reached already tell me. So she alights at level 4 and the lift continues to reach level 9. A guy came in and asked my name. The lift went down again! I was so angry because the guy should let me go to my room so that  i can change and go take the bus. So I drove back to a bus station and  halfway saw my sister. She told me that my family left the hotel and said she had to go back and she left me for her bus. The bus stop at a parking lot so i alight   because I saw Mak Usu while walking in saw Wak's family and Syidah were kissing with her boyfriend then i saw Mak Usu and my family they ask why im not on the holiday I told them hotel fully booked and dad say Wak's room still have vacancy.

22 October 2013

Ending my class and I need to write something . The GGX  left me behind so I walked with Mr Soo, he told me he lost his sister while traveling. And his sister lost him in the market. We had a good talk until we reached the staff room. I saw the dance teacher was scolding elisa(?) and Atika and she in great pain

30 September 2013

In some mafia countries (Mexico or what), newbies in that place are placed in the opposite site from the other group of gangsters. I Got close with this cute guy who was always left out. We were Having a break and I wanted to eat. The handsome and cute boy asked if I wanted to go tour around the place. At first I hesitated. But then we went together. Then I ask them " why are both of you feeling so warm?".  The cute boy is having fever and they argue. After a few turns in the tunnel, I needed to use the toilet. We went to a boys toilet when I was done and I saw a tragic accident. But I acted like nothing happened so I told them I’ll meet them outside. I waited outside the toilet but the aisle was too small to wait. So i went to another side trying to get back the entrance but there was a gunshot between this lady and another group. The girl from another group saw me and she chased me and I ran back to the toilet. I got to the wrong aisle and got injured. The handsome and cute boy manage to saved me and we went back to Singapore

19 September 2013

Ariz went in the same class. He was in my room in JB. We were fooling around then I went to the toilet with Syahidah, to the boys toilet. The toilet needed to pay fine because it was being flooded. I use the toilet until the boys come queuing and I haven't even worn my underwear! Farhan was there. When i went out all of the boys tried to catch me. Ariz save me with a bicycle? We went to a condo. At first we planned to go Mak Usu house but no one there so we went to Ariz cousin in the condo. It happened that Mak Usu was there with Aisyah. My whole body was shaking and there's a cat curling upon my toes.

18 September 2013

I rode on a scooter with Izzue. We were “married” but he didn't tell his wife. His reason is because that I will always be by his side

13 September 2013

1st dream: 

There's a war in Singapore and Malaysia. Nowhere is safe

2nd dream: 

I just gave birth to a baby in JB house, someone is after me for my baby which happens to be like his baby? Like the baby I gave birth was his. I was also being hunted by a lady. The lady and her husband, they already had a son. So I have no choice but to run. I ran and escaped through the back gate where there was a security guard. He didn't even know me when I asked for help. So I continue to run from the backyard which happens to have an MRT station. I had no money for the train fare but I know I have to go to Bedok because the lady will definitely be going to Bukit Panjang and Yishun to find me. My Sister in law has a new house  and i was afraid to ask her for help because I am afraid to risk her new house. I was afraid that she got bullied by that group of girls which wanted to rob me.

12 September 2013

Going for an exam but already failing the exam before I even start the paper. Dream of going for o level again but Business Environment (BEV) module!

1 September 2013

Was walking with my siblings and we were being followed by Ibu's friend. Amin got bribed by the monkeys like he was hypnotized to follow them. I had to run after him to save Amin

31 August 2013

Eating with Izyan then called Mr Soo to ask to change venue. Very sleepy and took a cab but didn't know where to go. Wanted to call Izyan but was using a monopod to call, not clear find phone and charger to Call Izyan. she asks a man to give directions but it's very far i cannot hear. Get out of the cab & run away from the cab. Go inside the shops and take the stairs nearby. The cab driver say say don't hide and I  saw 2 vampire

29 August 2013

(Short dream before the date)

1st Dream:

Going to an open house in a classroom setting met Munah and Hirzi. They were tired but they still layan people around.

2nd Dream:

Dream about going to the Italian style town but it's actually the aisle behind our Beijing hotel with Khairina

3rd Dream:

Wanted to buy a burger and was queuing behind a thai boy. The boy was attached to me and I had to get him a student visa. After we finished we took a car and the boy started to drift. Then we stopped and met another boy. He was an Ustaz but i run away from him and conclude that Dandelion is a fish

4th Dream:

Was in GRPS but in a lecture hall. Had a bad stomach Ache and was so afraid to tell anyone Mr Soo asked if anyone wanted to go break with me. So when Erina & Amelia come to class we  walk to the canteen together. Half the building is in renovation. I said Yuan Dao eat pork sandwich with Nasi Goreng

I then met an indian lady who said I can cure my "cramp". In order to cure, I have to swallow RM50 & drink it with water and stone. After drinking the RM50 I am not allowed to drink any water. After the recess ended, we went to buy prata at a bookshop. The scene relocated to a civil defence place surrounded by MRT like Fajar - Bangkit station and we toured around the store and went to the store owner's office. He live in the office

We went back to class and it looked like an Ultraman space room. Syahidah turned on the light and got scolded by the leader. After that we must wait for abg Salleh to go in the room to have some quiz. Until the end of the dream, the money that i drank was still in my  throat

5th Dream:

Last night I dreamt that a lady in white with red lipstick & red nail polish finding me. I peed through the peephole and saw her face. I was so scared and I ran out of the house! Ironically the lady is outside of my house! I woke up on whatsapp! Zahra & Amelia having random nightless text. The next dream was, I was  driving to some hospital. The weird thing is I drive! And at the hospital I meet my mom's supervisor who happens to work at the hospital and has a patient ? The hospital was hit by a storm or flood and water was filling up everywhere and the place look so old !

6th Dream:

Yesterday I dreamt my left foot middle toe broke! Totally detached ! And I only notice it when I bend down. I still can "put it back", there was no bleeding at all ! Like when you cut the chicken breast there's no blood ! So I am supposed to go to the hospital because in my dream I have diabetes ! Like my uncle who recently cut his legs due to diabetes. But I ended up in my primary school. The situation is like Hogwarts being struck by Sirius black ! But the school is being attacked by GHOST ?!?!?

7th Dream:

The day before yesterday I dreamt about my sister in law, brother in law. I was excited because my niece & nephew were coming here but in my dream the brother in law also came! And he brings the whole family from grandparent to great great nice !

[goji-pilled]

i want to lay down and do nothing until my mom is home with new ibus but unfortunatly im also hungry and have to eat so. fuck me.

i think the worst part about this is the fact that i dont know where our ibuprofen is or if we even have any so i just. have to endure it for now goddamnit.

[goldmynetv]

Coronavirus is a scam in Nigeria - Mr Ibu Comic actor, John Okafor aka Mr Ibu, has claimed that the global pandemic raging the world, coronavirus is a scam in Nigeria. In a chat with The Nation, the actor said he does not believe that COVID-19 exists in Nigeria nor does he care about its existence. “Nigeria, we are not supposed to be involved in this COVID-19, I see no reason why we should be involved. Only Nigerians in diaspora will have to partake in this devilish program. We at home are oblivious, we are not supposed to be involved in any ceremony in trying to pretend or in trying to avoid. My brother, COVID-19 or 20 is not here, I don’t care. Why would China give us sickness and America embellish the technicality and then sell it to the world and people now begin to die when they know it’s killing. Thank God we have hot weather, the thing sef dey fear us.” Speaking further, the actor said “I no dey fear anything I dey wear cloth waka on my own. Nothing dey here, nobody don die for this whole area, if you go another area nobody don die, go to stadium nobody don die. Let’s be sorry for ourselves. “I’m telling everybody not just the government this, say only what you know do not exaggerate it. Na we dey take our mouth call sickness by im own, sickness dey pass on its own but na we dey call am for Nigeria. You won’t see COVID-19 because it’s not here.” On the rising numbers of cases of COVID-19 in Nigeria and activities of the NCDC, Mr Ibu said, “You know anybody? Have you ever attended any burial and they say na this thing kill am? have you ever gone to the hospital them say this person na Covid dey hold am? have you ever seen a family them say somebody na Covid na em kill am yesterday for family wey you know? You cannot, dem say dem say na em me and you dey hear. Even the sickness dey fear us. “Are they not human beings, let them bring a picture of at least one person killed by COVID-19 and we find the family of such a person. COVID whatever is not in Nigeria, we have hot weather here, the disease is scared of us just as we are scared of it so it can’t come here. Via The Nation www.goldmyne.tv https://www.instagram.com/p/CCpTgwLFcpB/?igshid=14l2uyiwoyoj9

[rainbows-and-cottoncandy]

04/11/2020, 22:54

On most days i spend my 5-6 days a week with you at home. Learning, playing, running, sleeping, dealing with each other mood swings, our lazy day, our cranky days. But sometimes on days ibu get to go out and have some “me time” but ibu still want to be with you always😔

After really taking care of you like literally spending day after day, I literally cant think of anydays when im not with you even if somebody that is close like my parents i could not let them takecare of you. The seperation anxiety is 💯

When I’m home with you, I always thought having my own “me time” would be nice so i dont have to carry any diaper bags, worry what time is feeding/ milk time or when i need to change diapers. But i would rather have my me time when im with you bcos what would i be even doing if you didn’t exist in my life🤷‍♀️

Giving me the reason to even wake up at earliest 6:30am and endure till you have your last sleep at night. Having naps with you, making meals for you and watching you enjoying your food, seeing you learn to do new things everyday. Hais ibu being sorry if some of the days ibu scold you and want you to understand why i scold you. Not just for a fun of it but understand why isit so dangerous.

Ibu will always love you, for what you are even on your bad days. See you tomorrow baby shark❤️ in shaa allah.

Sorry ibu feeling emotional today #mensesiscoming.

[muliannisa]

Menaklukan Ketakutan? Bisa.

Untuk sebagian orang, tulisan ini bisa jadi dirasa sok tahu dan berlebihan. But it’s okay, I’m just gonna share what I’ve been through.

Bekerja di salah satu startup media online hingga di tahun ke-3 saat ini, bukan lah mimpi yang kukejar-kejar dulu. Semuanya kayak diatur dengan mudah gitu aja. 2017, sudah hampir desperate karena begitu lepas dari proyek kampus (3 bulan menjadi asisten riset dosen), aku lumayan susah dapet kerja. Rata-rata karena batasan umur. Iya, karena saat itu lowongan yang dibuka banyaknya untuk program MT/ODP dan sejenisnya yang memiliki syarat maksimal usia 26-27 tahun. Sementara aku sudah 27 jalan 28 saat itu. Malah, sempet pasrah bilang ke orang tua kalau aku nggak akan kerja lagi, mau usaha aja. Sambil gatau juga mau usaha apa waktu itu. Hahaha. 

Tapi memang Allah yang Mahatau gimana kondisi hamba-Nya saat itu, kasian lah pokonya kondisiku saat itu. WKWK. Temen-temen udah tiap hari nyemangatin, nelfonin, tetep aja aku nangis-nangis tidak ada semangat hidup. Ada 3 masalah besar di Q3 menjelang Q4 2017 saat itu. Susah rasanya untuk mikir dengan waras. Salah satunya Mama diopname yang penyakitnya nggak bisa dideteksi oleh dokter apa itu. Saat itu yang ada hanya desperation and fear. Aku selalu takut untuk “terlihat” banyak orang, karena merasa nggak punya apa-apa yang bisa diperlihatkan. 

Lulusan S2, nggak punya pekerjaan, tidak berpenghasilan, hidup dari tabungan semata yang makin lama makin tipis, keluarga sedang bermasalah, Ibu masuk rumah sakit, baru putus, dan teman-teman satu per satu pergi ke Jakarta karena sudah pada keterima kerja sejak pertengahan 2017. Sementara di social media, mereka-mereka ini dengan bahagia membagikan kehidupan barunya yang begitu menyenangkan. Hidup mandiri dengan pekerjaan yang membuat mereka settle. 

Saat itu, ku pikir, menyedihkan sekali ya hidupku. Ya wajar, langsung nggak pede melakukan apa pun. Karena merasa semua yang biasa menjadi support system ku hilang. Lalu aku hanya bisa meratapi hidup yang tiap hari harus tidur di sofa rumah sakit untuk menemani Mama.

Sampai akhirnya, ngobrol berdua dengan Mama. Aku cuma bisa diam megang tangan Mama yang sedang lemah, lalu beliau nanya, “Kenapa, capek ya? Udah, jangan sedih terus. Kalau kamu sedih Mama juga jadi sedih liatnya.” Seketika aku baru sadar kalau aku terus-terusan mengasihani diri sendiri dengan cara yang salah, ya aku bikin sedih ibuku juga. Di situ Mama berdoa khusyuk banget, supaya aku segera diberikan kebahagiaan lagi, dimudahkan urusan pekerjaan, dan dilancarkan jodohnya. Hari itu tanggal 1 November 2017.

Long story short, 3 November aku dapet pengumuman keterima di kantor yang sekarang, lalu mulai kerja tanggal 13 November. Seneng banget, tapi habis itu takut lagi. Karena, harus ke Jakarta sendirian dan cari kosan sendirian juga, plus lokasi kantor dan kosan itu di Jakarta Barat yang lingkungannya tidak familiar. Aku takut sendiri :( (masalah orang ekstrovert), dan juga takut ninggalin Mama di Bandung. Kepikiran segala macem hal, tapi bismillah Mama ngizinin aku hijrah ke Jakarta. Tapi ternyata semua ketakutan itu bisa ku taklukan. 

Hari ini sudah 2 tahun 7 bulan aku bekerja di TIA, dengan kondisi sedang working from home di Bandung. Kemarin, pikiranku terbang melihat lagi apa saja yang sudah aku lakukan selama di TIA. Ternyata banyak sekali hal yang akhirnya aku lakukan dengan mendobrak semua tembok ketakutanku selama aku bekerja di sini. Dengan punya lead yang sebenernya banyak mau (wkwk halo Mas Put), jadinya menuntut aku selalu HARUS BISA. Well, sebenarnya ini bukan masalah banget buatku. Karena memang semenjak lulus kuliah di mba itb, mental aku udah terbiasa “harus bisa” dan selalu menerima challenge yang dikasih. Cuma masalahnya.... bekerja di TIA ini bikin aku bener-bener bisa bingung sama diri sendiri karena ternyata “wah aku bisa” gitu.

Dikasih amanah pekerjaan yang harus bisa bikin konten yang dapat dipahami juga sesuai dengan kebutuhan target pasar itu merupakan hal yang sulit banget, jujur. Kadang suka mikir “aku tuh bisa kerja ngga sih? apa jangan-jangan, aku di posisi sekarang ini hanya faktor lucky aja? tapi sebenernya aku ga bisa kerja?” Selaluuuu nggak pede kalau mau mengajukan ide baru atau mengemukakan pendapat. Kayaknya selalu ide/pendapatku tuh beda sendiri. Tapi aku bisa apa selain maju terus? Ya udah hajar. Makin lama kok challenge nya makin gede. Juli 2019, dikasih amanah berdua dengan partner kerja ku untuk handle konten dan speaker engagement event conference pertamaku yang dihadiri oleh 2,500 orang.

Beberapa hari sebelum hari H tiba-tiba dikasihtau, “Nis, Icha kan lagi hamil gede jadi kayaknya ga mungkin ngasih welcoming speech dan rehearsal ampe malem. Jadi nanti di hari H, lo ya yang kasih welcoming speech.” Wow, ku hanya bisa terdiam. What do you mean, excuse me? I’m giving my speech in front of around almost 1,000 people? two days in a row? NO IM NOT DOING IT. Gitu waktu itu aku mikirnya. Bertanya kenapa harus aku? Please aku ga berani, takut salah ngomong, takut speech di depan orang banyak, emang siapa aku kasih speech segala? So many questions.

Tapi, lead aku yang banyak mau ini selalu support aku dan yakinin aku kalo aku bisa. JUJUR TAKUT BGT ASLEEE. Aku akan berada di atas stage dengan bawa nama company itu rasanya nggak aja nggak. But well, balik lagi aku bisa apa kalo bukan maju terus? Ya udah. Modal script dan bismillah aja. Alhamdulillah aku bisa menaklukan ketakutanku. Dan ternyata, ketika di stage aku lancaaaar banget kasih speech. Di hari H aku malah happy karena melihat satu hall itu penuh banget orang dateng ke conference pertama yang aku buat :) 

Ternyata, semua ketakutan itu hanya ada di pikiranku. Bagaimana audiens bereaksi saat aku speech itu nggak bisa aku prediksi maupun aku kontrol. Tapi, bagaimana aku bisa deliver speech nya dengan baik itu yang bisa aku kontrol, di hari itu, aku yang punya kendali. So you yourself drive it, not your mind. 

Semenjak hari itu, lead aku terus-terusan kasih challenge yang lebih gede. Sampe di Oktober 2019, aku “dipaksa” harus jadi moderator di salah satu sesi panel seputar digital marketing. Semua pembicaranya itu bener-bener orang hebat, VP VP marketing dari Bukalapak, MOKA, dan Jenius. Mereka semua punya social media presence yang kuat, plus experience yang ga kaleng-kaleng. Lagi lagi aku melihat ke diri sendiri, AKU SIAPA SIH? Bubuk marimas yang dikasih air juga udah ilang. Gitu pikiranku saat itu. 

Di hari H, aku superrrr degdegan dan takut banget. Takut salah ngomong, karena ini menyangkut brand-brand gede, takut orang ga ngerti apa yang aku sampaikan, takut ga sesuai ekspektasi orang-orang. Kenapa? karena ini international conference pertamanya TIA jadi audience pun banyak banget yang dari luar Indonesia. Plus, it was held in Jakarta Convention Center, I need to moderate the session in english, and more pressure to come. Karena aku keliatan banget takut, akhirnya lead ku nyamperin dan nanya, 

“Apa sih yang lo takutin?”

“Ya takut mas, ini kan pertama kali gw jadi moderator, mana hebat-hebat semua pembicaranya”

“udah itu doang? lo ngapain takut sih, ini konten lo yang bikin, topiknya juga lo menguasai, lo paham kan sama topiknya? You have the control Nis lo takut apa?”

“ya intinya takut salah mas. degdegan.”

“lo itu cuma degdegan karena ini moment pertama kali dalam hidup lo. Semua yang pertama kali ya pasti degdegan, tapi lo bisa karena lo paham Nis. Ga usah takut.”

Beberapa menit kemudian aku naik panggung bersama ketiga pembicara, dan wow, alhamdulillah 45 menit berjalan super lancaaaar. Mau nangis rasanya. Pas beres sesi itu aku harus balik lagi ngontrol acara, sampe tiba-tiba ketemu salah satu pembicara dari creative agency di Singapore, dia bilang, “Hey Annisa, how’s your feeling? (maksudnya tadi abis jadi moderator gimana perasaannya) Your session was so great, i was there and really enjoy the session, good job!” Nangis gak sih dikasih compliment gitu sama Creative Director agency Singapore? Nangis sih kalo aku. Haha. Di situ aku sadar, kalau aku terus-terusan mikir gimana ekspektasi orang ke aku ya aku ga akan maju, aku gak akan bisa, karena jatohnya overthinking. Kalau udah di moment kayak gitu, aku yang harus bisa ngontrol ketakutanku, bukan ketakutanku yang ngontrol hati dan pikiranku. Jadi aku harus bisa fokus ke diri sendiri, and do everything I can do to deliver my best. Udah itu aja.

Sekarang masih suka takut nggak? Masih lah, ini aja jam 3 sore nanti akan jadi moderator event Virtual Talk yang formatnya ngobrol bareng sama pembicara dari Ruangguru. Tapi ya udah, mau setakut apa pun, aku sudah di-assigned harus moderate sesi ini. Aku udah bukan anak SD lagi yang bisa nolak kalau dikasih kerjaan mendadak. Ya kali aku mau nolak? Nolak juga siapa yang bakal gantiin? Semua udah dibagi sesuai porsinya. Jadi ya udah ku anggap ini challenge lagi yang bisa bikin aku semakin tumbuh dengan baik. 

Wah jadi panjang banget ya, padahal ini cuma pemikiran ketika bangun tidur tadi. Semoga, ketakutan kita terhadap apa pun nggak bikin kita jadi mudah menyerah ya. I know we can do it! Have a goooood Friday! :) 

[amiraxbdullah]

Firstly, apology for th delay of post. i was supposed to upload this post on th very same day as previous. well, priorities first.  lets recap over last week’s breaking fast outside. hehe. 130520 - visited my nieces and nephew. i dropby to collect some things at my sister’s place. chill for a moment, catch up w th kids and my sister(kakna). it was a good catchup w her. we used to have silent argument when i was staying in her hse. but well, i guess th air is cleared now. alhamdullilah. unfortunately, S was working pm shift. so i was alone. reached at 1500hrs and it was almost 1800hrs, in a blink. breakfast time: 1908hrs. kakna didnt knw S was pm shift, so she technically “allowed” me to go home, assuming S will be home to break fast w me. i corrected her assumption and she changed her mind to invite me to break fast at her place. (heheheh i can spend more time w th kids!) also, ibu(S’s mum) bought me food, i kinda felt bad? i mean, i was a lil stuck in between? haha. if i were to make my way home, i wont reach on time for breaking fast, so.... kakna cooked asam pedas ikan pari(favourite dish!). i ate w them and to my suprise, adam ate alot? like he ate more than  me and he topped 2x of rice? hahha, like whoa. kid, i knw youre growing, but okay chill ya. haha. okay here’s th highlight of our convo tht day; adam: ciya, you stay here la until uncle syaz(S) end work. he can fetch you. you sleep here first. me: *inner cries* its okay adam. later uncle syaz tired from work. adam: but you havent sleep w me for very long. you wait for me to sleep la then go home? me: *deeper inner cries* umm, next time okay.  --  kakna: ya, you just stayover la. rest first. syaz can come later. me: he didnt bring helmet. next time okie.  omg, these kind of convo are always pulling me back. i feel like im home, again. like, i miss this warmth from them. how can my 7y/o adam be so matured when he talk? nevertheless, i did company adam till he almost sleep. guess who is so considerate enough to think tht im going home by public and its already 2230hrs.. yes. adam insisted me to go home and reminded me tht he will call me in th morning to check up on him. (next day: he did called me at 0757hrs to ask if i had enough rest. omg i --) 140520 - this was impromptu but i guess my girls and i need a break from daily live and this CB(circuit breaker). decided to meet them at shak’s place and breakfast thr. we kinda potluck? kinda. i bought fruits and ordered CBTL for them, bella bought takoyaki and nad bought herself? hehe. doesnt matter cos wht matters most was we open up and had heart to heart talk till 0100hrs. yup, 0100hrs is obviously passed my curfew? lol kidding, no more curfew eversince marriage. but yes, S did advised to not go home too late cos he wasnt w me and didnt want anything unwanted to happen. i grabbed home while zaki(bella husband) send nad off. we didnt not gossip, i guess? haha. we watched my wedding video, embrace every seconds we had to talk and talk. single life - marriage life. too adult to handle. haha, we’ve been together since sec1, thts 13y/o till now. umm, 14 good years. we had bittersweet memories. good times. header of this post is them girls. i will treasure them all, really. we dont meet often, yet whenever we had th chance to meet, we will just blend w each other? like autolink mode: ON. till then, mira.