#im no thoughts head empty sad and relating to Grant

[dear-mortality]

the shepherd prince

Chapter thirteen: a packed day

Chapters

Ether and enfys woke up at the same time the moment they heard a knock on the door. Enfys made their way to the door looking a little annoyed while ether put his cape on.

"hello guests! I am here to deliver some of zatieons delicacies for breakfast! Don't worry; nothing here is too much on an empty stomach." Stated the short, old, smiling maid who was holding a big tray filled with food in it. smelling like sunshine and dressed a little more fancy than the others ether and enfys have seen around the place. Her clothes had a headscarf and a light veil with a slightly more loose dress, decorated with all sorts of beautiful patterns and stitches. The others clothes weren't nearly as well done and had more golden tones than her pretty silver clothes.

Enfys quickly hid his annoyance due to her infectious cheerfulness with a smile. "Oh thank you! That's so nice- please do come in!" They exclaimed while opening the door fully and getting out of her way

"such polite company! No wonder the ruler has been talking about you two nonstop- *GAAAASP*" she stood in shock as she looked up to ether

"oh no" ethers thought bubble showed that sentence as it got filled with awful thoughts of how this will go. It almost clouded the picture completely before she ended up saying something loudly he didn't hear anyone tell him before

"you are so CUTE!"

"wh-huh??" Ether was confused but a little happy

"oh my gods why did you have to be so tall! i want to hug you and kiss your cheeks so bad awww! Would you lower down for this old lady my child?"

He quickly knelt for her. She did as she said she would while saying things that sound gibberish but enfys recognised as baby talk. Ether was so happy but also overwhelmed and seemed like he was about to wail like a small kid who couldn't contain his happiness before enfys noticed and had to distract the sweet lady.

"OH UHHH SO UHM WHAT DID YOU BRING US? IT LOOKS DELICIOUS!" He yelled with a wide smile to grab her attention. She let go of ether quickly to turn to enfys and answer him. Ether seemed a little disappointed but he pulled it together.

"oh how rude of me! Im sorry children this old lady isn't as good as she used to be about control. *Ahem* we have some special saltless cheese from our best cows at the north farms, we have some pickled vegetables- careful! They're a little too salty to eat as anything but appetizers so don't overdo it! Then there's flatbread of the highest quality, some specially prepared beans, tea and of course our well known mini jam filled pastry- kahk!" She talked as if she had already said that before a million times, her experience with guests couldn't help but shine through as she kept them both paying attention and waiting for her to finish and try it for themselves

"that all sounds amazing! Thank you so much for this." Enfys told her after she had just finished

"what's your name?" Asked ether before thinking about the question too much. Enfys looked at him as if he did something rude and almost said something before the lady answered quickly. "Oh how sweet of you to ask that my child. My name is Laila. Im the official coordinator of all those who work in anything related to hospitality. I don't normally get to do the fun parts of the job anymore because we don't get as many visitors but im glad i ended up doing Probably one of my last times for two such good children."

Ether looked really sad after she said that and slanted his head

"what do you mean laila? Are you retiring?"

She looked at him and smiled warmly.

"no my child. Im just really old and will die soon. I don't think i can hold on for another 5 years." Shs stated softly before laughing a little. "I've had a good life. Filled with kind people like you who care about those who others normally take their kindness for granted." She sighed. "Welp. My birthday was last week but I'll take the time you wasted with me as a late gift haha! I turned 186."

Ether quickly approached her with tears in his eyes before hugging her tight and crying on her shoulder.

"I don't think time spent with you- no matter how little- is a waste. I don't think anyone would think that laila. Sorry i wasn't here earlier for your birthday. Im glad i got to meet you and spend even the littlest amount of time with you. Thank you for your kindness and good work."

Enfys and laila were shocked as he said that while sniffling and crying. Enfys got closer to hug her with him.

"I couldn't have said it better myself. Thank you for your hard work lady laila. We may not have known you for long but we're glad to have had the privilege to meet you."

Laila couldn't contain her tears as she hugged them both. "You two. Made this old lady. Very happy. You remind me so much of my children. i wish i had you as my children too. Tell me your names. I want to remember the kindest guests i ever had." She told them while frowning as she's trying so hard to not start weeping right there with Tears running down her face.

"im ether"

"im enfys"

"ether, enfys, thank you for letting me know that my work will always be appreciated even if i don't think im as good at it anymore. Thank you for reminding me that just being here is important. I know i just met you but i love you both dearly and from now on if you need anything you just come to grandma laila ok?"

They both laughed and nodded

"good." She let go of them both as they all stood up again. "Now have fun eating this breakfast! I have other things to do now but im so glad i got to do this first, you're my favourite guests ever. Goodbye, enfys. Goodbye, ether." She stated as she left and closed the door with them waving at her

She walked down the hallway with her head raised and wiping her tears

Ether got to the food and started eating but he seemed still sad

"aaaaare youuuu enjoying the food?"

"hm? Oh. Yes. Its delicious."

"then what's wrong? She seemed quite happy leaving here."

"im not sad about laila. Im upset with you..."

That sentence hurt enfys alot more than they'd like to admit but they seemed to hide how much it hurt well because ether did not notice

"oh dear, well if you tell me what i did wrong I'll tell you sorry right now."

"well...." ether put down the food. "The look you gave me didn't seem nice, and if i didn't ask her this she wouldn't be so happy. Can you please stop treating me like im dumb? I know it's hard to know what and what to not say when i never interacted with anyone else but i feel like you're overdoing it sometimes." He sounded annoyed but his face showed he was obviously more upset than he's showing

Enfys seemed a little embarrassed "im sorry ether its really not you.....im just used to being the mature one in these situations since i handle offical business alot for the guild. I was also the most responsible kid so i always had to look out after my siblings and these things come out of me naturally. I promise I'll try to be lesssssss.... controlling."

"thanks. Now, come eat; this food is amazing."

Enfys and ether ate together and found the food amazing. Having finished it they got up together and left the room. As they were walking down the hallway enfys felt that there was an awkwardness between them.

"soooo what will you do today?"

"I'll probably go talk to zaroth again; it's fun hanging out with them."

"yeahhhh but you may not find them free at the moment; how about you come with me today? You can get to see researchers in action. I may not know enough to help them with directing their abilities but i can help them with difficult spells if they ever needed me soooo, you might see me in action too."

"ehh thanks but I'll probably just get back to my room and see what i can do about my arm if zaroth is busy. Maybe if i focus well enough I'll be able to get it back to normal."

"huh. You know i never actually thought about it. That sounds like a good idea."

"yeah."

They arrived at a fork in the hallway

"Alright then i guess I'll see you later ether"

"mhm. Bye, enfys."

Ether hurried to the place where zaroth took him with a quick pace

Enfys reached slightly for him while he was leaving but the words stuck in her throat

Ether walked with a smile to where zaroth maybe but he found someone on the way

"greetings, honored guest." Said aimanat who was wearing her usual full armour and seemed to have given it a new shine

"oh. Hi. Sorry; I don't know your name. My name is ether; What's yours?"

Aimanat smiled with half closed eyelids and bowed a little. "I am aimanat. Highest general in the rulers court."

"nice to meet you aimanat! Hey have you seen zaroth? I wanted to have fun with them."

Aimanats eye twitched slightly after hearing someone call zaroth by his name.

"apologies, ether. The ruler is quite busy at the moment trying to fix a problem we've been having lately with our supplies so you won't get to see him today."

"aw ok then...." ether looked sad and started walking back to his room

Aimanat rubbed her chin before getting an idea

"hey, ether!"

"hm??"

"have you ever sparred before?"

"uh. No not really. Why?"

Aimanat took ether to the sparring grounds and as they both entered the open field ether found it awesome. Aimanat was wearing lighter armour.

Despite the place being filled with scratches and broken bits from fights it managed to have a vibe of being indestructible.

"woah. This place is HUGE."

"this is my favourite field and it's where we will fight."

"wh- but you're a general and im just a guy."

"oh come on it will be fun! I'll go easy."

"okay....."

Ether hesitantly took his place on the field

"alright! Get ready! This will be hand to hand combat! No weapons allowed!" Aimanat yelled as she took a stance and was about to throw her first strike

"AH!" The startled ether suddenly tried to mimic her but was unsuccessful

"HERE I COME!" she immediately started charging to ether

Ether was scared about her landing a hit so he decided to actually take this seriously

Aimanat threw in a punch that ether deflected only for her to use that opening to hit him with the other arm. However it was unsuccessful because ether quickly used magic to make a small wind barrier that slowed her down and dodged her attack

"Oh? I thought you had no experience fighting." Aimanat fell back quickly after saying this as she was getting ready to engage again

"I DON'T!!! YOU SCARED ME INTO DOING BETTER THAN I SHOULD"

"Well when you point it out that way i feel just awful" she stated sarcastically

"Have at you!" She jumped up high, too high for ether to know where she'll fall

But he quickly ran closer to the edge of the field when she almost landed on him

"Stop running!!!!" She launched herself at him again as he was getting closer to the wall only for him to dodge her attack. She pierced through the wall like it was nothing

"EEP!! WHY DID YOU USE SO MUCH FORCE I WOULD HAVE EASILY DROPPED DEAD THERE!!" he yelled

"YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT?? YOU HAVE A WEREWOLF ARM ALWAYS ON SO IM SORRY FOR THINKING THAT YOU CAN DEAL WITH WHATEVER I THROW AT YOU." she yelled back while pulling her fist out of the wall

"I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF IT!! I CAN'T TURN TO A WEREWOLF AT WILL!!!"

"we will see about that."

Ether got a little angry and decided it was time for him to actually fight

Aimanat launched herself again but this time she was not going to miss

So ether didn't waste time trying to dodge

He swung his werewolf arm around hitting her from the side and making her fall right next to him. It hurt however because he used too much force and his back muscles aren't used to this

"OWWWWwwwww."

"YOU'RE hurting???? You landed a hit on me before i could!! An amateur like you managed that somehow!!! Im beyond insulted."

ether looked mad at her

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?? You said this will be fun but its been nothing but scary and hurtful!! Why are you doing this??"

"Because you're a threat! I've never fought a werewolf before and your high Mage friend is nothing i can deal with. I needed to learn if i can quickly deal with you if you ever go on a rampage and obviously I can take you on my own even with one part of you transformed. Its however infuriating!! I've dealt with all sorts of magical beasts but because you have good reflexes I can't treat you as one."

Ether was shocked and upset

"I thought you wanted to be friends like zaroth.... that's why i came with you....but apparently i don't deserve to be treated as a person and only as something a little higher than an average animal." he scoffed

Aimanat frowned and sighed

"Apologies. I didn't mean to offend you i-i really just feared my sibling being in danger. I know its hard dealing with a part of you that no one can accept and you can only ignore. If you want i can actually teach you how to fight; this time I won't aim to hurt you."

"Thank you for the apology and the offer but i really don't want to learn how to fight before i can learn how to control this side of me" he answered quickly while looking at his arm filled with fur

"But i forgive you. I'll be going to my room now; i need to think of something."

"ok. See you another time, ether."

"See you."

Ether walked back to his room- thankfully he didn't get lost since he made sure to know how to go back. He was always good with directions.

Ether sat in the room on his bad and contemplated how to begin working on his abilities

"Maybe i need to know what it affected first? Enfys said he realized how other fabrics affected his skin Through trial and error so maybe i need to see what difference it made for me. Ok so first of all i managed to land a hit on aimanat but it didn't hurt my arm itself so i guess my senses in it got less? Ok ok what else"

Ether started brainstorming. Wondering what he can do to at least get his normal arm back.

And then it clicked

"Wait. Maybe its like a reflex? Maybe i need to relax.....i guess i wasn't able to relax this whole time because of everything being new....hmmm.."

Ether laid down and started thinking about his days farming and playing with his sheep. He smiled and suddenly he felt his arm being lighter

It was back to normal

he smiled and then he cheered

He was so happy to get his arm back and let go of the cape

For once he felt he had control

So he decided he will try making other parts of him transform

But he couldn't

He was back to how he was before all of this happened

And then he remembered that when his arm was transformed he didn't turn into a werewolf at night

And so he panicked

He started hyperventilating trying to get the arm back or transform another part of him so that it keeps him from turning at night

He collapsed on the ground almost begging for it to come back so he doesn't hurt anyone

So he doesn't kill anyone

He had to find enfys

They can help

They always have a solution

So he left his room and went to ask around where he could find her

And right when he was about to enter

Everything turned black

And he heard the excited laughter of someone in the dark

"I can finally have fun again!" Said the mysterious voice

As ether fell to the ground with his vision hazey

He saw the figure of a woman with glowing eyes smiling from the shadows and wished that he wouldn't turn into the monster that hurt everyone he loved

Even if its just this once

"Aw I'm sorry little prince but you have to pay for what you did. For what your family did."

The woman got closer and sat on her knees Infront of ether. she had fetters on her arms and legs with a simple torn dress filled with cuts. Her hair messy and her eyes bloodshot with red tears running down her face creating streams that converged together under her chin. She had big fangs and claws. wounds all over her body with her hands covered in blood and dripping with it but her hands don't seem hurt.

"ETHER!!" Aimanat called as she appeared seemingly out of nowhere as she was heading towards him

"Tsk. Seems I'll have to wait after all."

Aimanat shook ether awake "WAKE UP!! Are you alright?? I'll take you to the medics they should be able to help so hang onto me"

Ether nodded as she got him to lean on her

They walked together to the medics place

And as they were walking ether felt that woman's gaze on him

"Who was she?? What did she want from me?? She looked so hurt..." Ether mumbled below his breath and aimanat assumed he was delirious so she didn't pay any mind to it

She seemed worried over him

So he smiled a little and decided he'll push himself to stay awake so he doesn't hassle her

[tempibearxo]

(Btw this is gonna be really rambly im so sorry if you read this) Can we take a sec to appreciate Anthony’s portrayal of the cycle of depression and the pit that people can get put into by traumatic events.

Like ive relistened to Grant’s conversation with Yeet multiple times and something about it that just makes it hit hard is how relatable it is. For anyone who has experienced depression or had loved ones who have been through that experience and can see themselves in Yeet’s position.

I personally can understand where Grant is coming from. He looks back at the past and everything seems brighter he could feel things. Little things made him happy like the smile of a friend or inside jokes that made him crack up but now he doesnt see the same color in the world now its just black and white the only glimpses of color he might see anymore is when something physical happens and that something physical is most often times pain. It was put well when it was said that it was making a binary it really does. Being numb is a horrible distant feeling and it drags you down and suffocates you. And talking to parents is such a hard things to do. No matter how much they say “you can talk to me” its hard to believe because they wouldnt get it they are so strong and they’ve never been in this situation. Like personally my parents are like Carol and Darryl (but more stable) they met in highschool got married when my mom graduated. They never were a queer kid who’s highkey scared to come out because of the what if factor. And i feel like Grant has a pressure put on him (probably by himself) to just be a good quiet kid. The unsteadiness between Carol and Darryl and probably be seem by him and he doesn’t want to cause a fuss with his own problems when he has stuff to deal with. It doesnt help when whenever tried to talk to his dad he was told that they would talk about it later-

In Darryl’s defense the situation was extremely stressful, it doesn’t excuse him kinda pushing off his kid but it explains it. He knew he had a set time limit to somehow try to break the blood pact and he kinda had that “wait till the right moment” mentality. The problem is there is no right moment to talk and open up. Darryl tried to wait for a moment instead of creating one. Which as i said before it’s understandable most of the  tournament was very “go, go, go”

A few things i cant stop thinking about and wanna talk about is all the little subtleties that kinda go over your head when first listening that Anthony buries in there. Such as Grant saying he wasnt hungry despite it being stated that the boys hadnt eaten for a few days. Probably to Grant he didnt feel hungry, he just felt numb and maybe the hunger pains were little reminders that he was still alive and that it was real and that life is real. Once again Grant is so fucking relatable- ive been there, fuck ive been there recently when i realize it’s been over a day and a half since i last ate and im just like ope-

But Darryl is getting better, and the little talk that he and Grant had before Grant talked with Yeet was actually a super good thing. Whats happening with Grant is not a “one talk and its all fixed” thing it’s something that needs to be worked towards. Grant needs to actually believe that Darryl cares and that Darryl will be there.

Anyways i have alot more to say on this but like ope- basically Grant is super relatable and Anthony apparently enjoys making us cry.



THIS POST WAS MADE BEFORE OCT 2020 I FUCKEN HATE DNDADS NOW ASK ME WHY :) PLS DONT LIKE IT

[aquz]

Since you've done Shizuku

How about Mafuyu!Reader with first years

Thank youuu <3 I love your work

Have a nice day!꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡

jackpot sad girl 𑂾 mafuyu!reader

# gn!reader, platonic or romantic, hints to depression/wanting to "disappear"/bad mental health

# ace trappola, deuce spade, jack howl, epel felmier, sebek zigvolt (ortho excluded, i can't make him sad like that im sorry 😞😞)

ACE thinks you're such a goody-two-shows, surely there's another side to you? he often jokes around about how you're probably a badass behind your perfect façade but boy, he doesn't know what's coming to him. he probably also cheats off of your homework whenever he comes over. you're busy with extra curricular activities and studying while he's digging around your schoolwork trying to find the homework that he has yet to start.

ace comes over again, this time unexpected, to ask about the homework and he finds you breaking down. he doesn't know how to comfort you. as you sob into your knees, he sits down and rubs your back. whenever you're done hiccuping and choking on your cries, you tell him about the pressures of being perfect - the pressure of being what someone else wants. you can't indulge in your hobbies or happiness if it doesn't benefit you academically and it sucks. ace can't relate because he's more of an 'all play no work' kinda guy, but from now on, he promises to show you the most fun you've ever had. you're safe from pressuring ideals when you're with hum because you're too busy laughing.

your music group is one ace never would have thought he would be interested in. i'll be honest, he might not listen to all your songs. sad stuff isn't his jam, but he's most definitely impressed by how much emotion you've managed to put into sound. he'll support you (probably just you, not other group mates if you have any) and your musical journey.

DEUCE admires you deeply. your drive to do well in school, help out everyone and balance many activities is absolutely amazing! deuce finds himself offering his help to you often. deuce feels as if you could really use the help, not because you're weak, but because it must be tough doing all you do.

deuce finds you after class in an empty hallway, tucked into yourself. he gets closer and calls out your name, watching you slowly life your head. face covered in tear stains, you put it back down. you vent to him and he feels so... awful. it's hard being perfect, he would know, and he's trying to better himself. he's lucky that he was given room to express himself and his hobbies. he really took that much for granted because he was trying to be like you, a perfect student, when you were struggling to be anything other than one. you want his freedom, and he wanted your discipline. deuce tells his mom and she tells him to tell you that you're free to stay over if you needed a break from home. you can do whatever you'd like at her place.

deuce, much like ace, doesn't listen to sad songs. he likes fast music to ride his blastcycle to. whenever he hears your songs, he hears a pain that reminds him of that one time his mom cried over him. if music helps you vent, he's all for it, but don't be alarmed if you find him crying to one of your songs because of how sad it sounds.

EPEL also thinks of you as a model student, but he doesn't necessarily want to be like you or use you. he thinks you're smart and that's that. he enjoys you for you, and does ask for homework or class help when he needs it. although, he can tell someone is off. nobody can really be that nice and balance all that school work and activities like that, can they?

one day while you both were working on homework, you suddenly broke down. he can tell you were on the brink of a breakdown for a while and doing more schoolwork pushed you over the edge. he panicks and offers you an apple, because... what else does he do here? you told him about the way your mother treated you and your hobbies, and how you have to strive to meet expectations that you didn't care for yourself. the loss of identity because you had no time to think for yourself. epel wants to say he can relate to make you feel better, but he wasn't raised a liar. he decides to practice self care on you (courtesy of vil's teachings) and focus on you for the remainder of your time together.

epel listens to your music when he's alone and missing you. your songs help explain to him what you're feeling since you aren't sure how to describe it yourself. honestly, if you drop a concerning song while you both are apart, expect a few calls from him making sure you're alright.

JACK admires you but doesn't strive to be you like deuce does. you accompany him on jogs, you help him clean up track equipment when the meet is over, you both work together in class.... he just thinks you're a person who likes to be busy. (un?)fortunately, jack picks up on things easily and he can tell exactly when you aren't feeling the best for yourself.

like everyone's scenario, he sees you breakdown. the difference is, you can't explain why. your emotionless eyes and monotone, almost robotic voice scares him. it's such a big difference from your usual personality. you tell him how confused you are on the sadness you feel deep down, nothing happened to make you feel that way but you still feel it anyway. jack suggests that you're stressed and overworked and you have to stop and think about it. years and years of the pressure of being good enough probably got to you. it was to a point that you wanted to quit everything, even your hobbies, and disappear. jack comforts you like a big brother would to a younger sibling, but calls a guidance counselor later on.

jack listens to motivational music, workout music technically. he would never think to listen to your kind of music. he does and he knows it's a coping mechanism, but he has an idea. try to write a more upbeat song. positive messages might do you some good?

SEBEK thinks you are doing the bare minimum. he might push you to do even more, actually. got a 99% on the test? 100% isn't impossible. he pushes you past your limits without even noticing. you can feel the breakdown coming on. sebek is none the wiser.

he walks in to scold you about missing one question on the homework to find you breaking down, huddled up in your room. now, his reaction was initially to yell at you for god knows what reason, but he stops. you've been working quite hard, no? maybe he's stressing you; he asks you why you're acting 'weird' (his words). you tell him about your relationship with your mother and everything she makes you do and sebek scolds you for talking poorly about your mother who is simply trying to ensure a positive future for you. though, he thinks more again and remembers how nice lilia and his own parents are. you can't relate because you were under stress and emotional neglect from your mom. he tells lilia and suddenly you've gained another parental figure.

sebek is not listening to anything that is not malleus. if malleus tells him to listen to, let's say, bohemian rhapsody? he will absolutely do it. he was not instructed to listen to what you composed. he will not listen. he will ask about your hobbit though, and compare you to lilia because of the music making aspect. that's it, really.

[silverandarsenic-hcs]

Magically Papa Nil, Papa I, Papa II, Papa III, and Copia are all young again (I'm talking early 20s young) What's the first thing they do? How do the Ghouls react?

oh this is gooooooddddd. Also i see this and raise you: they traveled to an alternate dimension where theyre young again but also time went back too so everything is as it was. The ghouls quickly found a way to communicate with them, but are actively trying to figure out how the hell to get them back. 

Papa Nihil: He would do everything he realized he couldn’t do after having kids. Whether it’s traveling he missed out on, or really getting around, or just spending time alone. He would make sure not to take a second of silence in which there was no screaming toddlers or one of his adult sons committing felonies on church grounds for granted. Of course he thinks about all of the things he could have (or should have) done differently in raising his sons. In his relationships with their respective mothers. With Imperator. Oh how things were good with Sister when they were young. Foolish, they say in their old age while reminiscing about the good old days. But that will never stop his heart from yearning to live forever in a world where him and Sister are together, and happy, and carefree, forever.

Papa I: Probably some self reflection. Think about how he could have changed things, and what he would want to tell himself if he could be young again. He thinks about it a lot - everything great he did, everything great he could never accomplish. Much like his father, he would take the time to get some of those things done, and treat every moment like it’s his last before they those damned ghouls find a way to make him old again. He also spends a lot of time thinking about the way he treated his brothers. He should have seen it when II needed his help, or guidance, but was too hard headed to ask. He should have seen when III was struggling with his emotions and coming to terms with the fact that he has to become a Papa one day without a choice. He holds no remorse for the way he treated Nihil though - even with his wise mind, he sees that the way he and his brothers were treated when they were young was unacceptable by any standards. And will not hesitate to confront his old man when the ghouls bring him back.

Papa II: Probably party if im honest. His older body doesn’t recover nearly as well as a twenty something year old body did after several nights of binge drinking and reckless behavior in a row. He sure did get those nights in during his first go around of being young (See: my murder hcs) but he would probably be smarter than the first go around - he can’t really let himself go like he thought he would be able to when he idealized what might happen if he was young again. He put so much of his time and effort into being a good Papa. Doing what was right for the church and for everyone that believed in him. And doing even more to spite those who didn’t. It’s nice for him to go back to a time of such little responsibility for him - his older brother was still Papa, his younger brother was still young enough not to need real emotional guidance yet. He puts his restful mind on autopilot while his body is in some dreadful club getting batshit wasted with a couple of hot chix.

Papa III: As much as I would like to say he would Go Crazy Ah Go Stupid Ahghhh, he would probably attempt to fix mistakes his younger self made in love. He would probably find the most emotionally fulfillment out of all of them. Maybe he would find the one that got away, and make sure to never let them go. To cherish any time he has with them before the ghouls bring him back to what painful a reality it is knowing that they're gone. And maybe he gets the closure that even in another life, another world, things still might not work out. Maybe he could stop a terrible event from happening to himself or someone he loves. Lucifer know’s he’d try. He also really takes the time to understand what his older brothers and father are saying to him - this and that are mistakes, you should be doing this. Even though he knows that things won’t be different when he goes back, it gives him some peace to relive those painful moments through a different set of eyes. To relive it with wisdom no one should have expected a twenty year old to have, back then.

Cardinal Copia: The most interesting of all, I say, would be the Cardinal’s choice. I HC that he was III’s assistant for a long time, even in his 20s, and even brought up in/around the church (i will Not reference canon because I simply do not vibe with it). He would look at things a lot differently. He thought for a long time that if given the chance at a young age, maybe he would have left the church to pursue what might be a more meaningful career. Maybe he would have at least taken a break to build meaningful relationships outside the clergy. Or maybe he would have just taken III’s head off a lot sooner. But when he really goes back, he sees things much differently than he even expected he might. He doesn’t hate III. He doesn’t resent any of the emeritus’ brothers like he used to. Though he’s still only a Cardinal, he’s had to make a lot of hard decision in the church, and he understands the choices each of his predecessors had to make on a deeper level. When he returns to the right time, all he’s left with is sort of an empty sadness. A longing for things to have gone differently. Maybe he could have gotten what he wanted without going to such drastic measures.

The ghouls response: As I mentioned, when the ghouls figure out for only a few moments how to communicate with their disappeared leader, they tell them they’ll bring them back as soon as possible. The girls, Dew, and Swiss think it would do those old bastards some good to see what it’s like to be young again, and maybe they’d be cut a little more slack. Rain is just awfully worried about them even though it’s clear they lived decently well through where they are now. Aether and Mountain are just the ones trying to figure out how the absolute hell to bring someone back from another dimension, nevermind how they got there to begin with. After two weeks of reading every book in the church library and every related webpage they can find, they bring back their disappeared Papa/Cardinal, they’re eager to hear about what’s happened and what they learned. But mostly Dew is just a little pissed off he didn’t have more time to cause more trouble without the supervision of a Reasonable Adult and with Aether busy in the books. 

P.S i know these ghouls were not around for the papas and again, i simply do not vibe with that, so suck it up. 

- Kat, who just posted six new chapters of her book because It Is Wednesday My Dudes huhaggGGHAHHHHHH

[yoongiiggles]

Happy For You, Happy For Us | Part 1

Type: Series

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Plus-Sized Reader

Summary: You have been in love with Dean for as long as you have known him. Wanting to be more than friends with him, you pour out your heart to him in a confession to which he turns you down immediately saying that he has been in a long term secret relationship with a girl named Lisa. Not wanting to damage your friendship even further, you suppress your feelings for him and support his relationship. But when they get married, you become heart broken and leave your life behind to start anew.

Word Count: 2k

Warnings:

A/N: Having all these ideas for writing my own fan-fiction and searching songs that would match the story is making me think about my love life and Im miserable lol. I relate to this song so much, as I’ve invested so much of my time on this guy and he decides that a long distance relationship is not worth it (he moved to another state for college). And the last words he said to me and how easy it was for him to say “it’s for the best” leaves me confused and bitter. But I guess we all are not allowed a happy ending I guess. Anyway, hope you enjoy this series!

Song: Saved - Khalid

Part 1   ||  Part 2  ||  Part 3  ||  Part 4   ||  Part 5  ||  Part 6  ||  Part 7  ||  Part 8  || Part 9  ||  Part 10  ||  Part 11  ||  Part 12  ||  Part 13  ||  Part 14  || End

          God. You love him. For as long as you have known the Dean Winchester, you were in love. But did he know? Of course not. You were more likely viewed as a sister figure in the Winchester’s life. The same way you see Sam Winchester as your little brother. But as for Dean, you feel nothing but pure love. Although some say to just go for it and tell him you love him (as Sam would say), it wasn’t easy for you to just do exactly that. Being his friend before any of your feelings developed to love, you have watched his consistent habit of bringing a woman back to the motel for a one night of pleasurable fun and even sometimes going for another day and even going as far as getting their number and calling them whenever he needed a release of some sort. But lately, this habit of his has seemed to stop for a while.

          “Got it! I just figured it out, it’s an old witch using traditional witch craft to lure her victims in thinking she can grant them any wish they want”

          “Seriously Sam? You couldn’t wait until we finished eating huh?” Dean mumbles as he chews loudly on his burger.

          “Seriously guys? You can’t discuss this without food in your mouth?” You chuckle as you throw away your empty bag that was once full of french fries and a burger. As you begin to sit down on the couch, Dean perfectly throws a piece of wrapper in your face. “Hey watch it Dean-o! You need this pretty face to lure in the enemies!”. He ignores you pleas and begins his second burger of goodness. 

         “She’s right. This witch only seems to attract female victims. Nothing particular about them, just the fact that their a female. And most of these cases of missing females disappear at every fancy party held by the mayor. And lucky us, there’s one two days from now and if we leave by dawn we’ll be able to be there one day before the party starts. So eat up and gear up. I’ve got our outfits prepared and...” Sam continues to ramble as he types at rapid speed on his laptop, “we’re on the guest list.” Just as Sam finishes his sentence, Dean throws another burger wrapper his way. “Ugh! Seriously Dean”, You and Dean laughing hysterically.

         “Just tell him. Dean Winchester might be a lady’s man but I know him enough to know that he won’t hurt you intentionally. Besides, he cares about you too much to hurt you”.

          “Easy for you to say Sammy. You’ve never been in this position. Besides look at him and God! look at her! How can I compete with that!?”.

          “Ouch!” It wasn’t the first time Sam has hit you in the back of your head. “Seriously (y/n), he’s not even doing anything. And can’t you see her struggling for his attention?” And it’s true, strangely enough. Dean hasn’t paid her any attention since he’s been at the bar, grabbing you and Sam another round of beer. And now that you’ve thought about it, every time you guys came at the bar after every hunt, he hasn’t taken a single woman back to the motel, choosing to down a couple beers and play a game of pool. 

           “Yeah you’re right... I wonder why that is...” Even though he hasn’t paid her any attention, it still makes you insecure. Knowing that these were the types of females he goes after-- skinny, blonde, gorgeous, and tall. Looking down at your fingers resting on your chubby legs you don’t notice Sam giving you a sad look. 

          Sam groans inwardly, frustrated that you don’t see what he sees. Dean’s glances and lingering touches. But how could you? Just as much as you know them both, he knows all too well of your insecurities. Curtesy of your drunken nights at the bar while Dean is away with another woman, you have nothing but Sam at your side, listening endlessly of your rants about the things you don’t like about yourself and how Dean will never notice you in the way you have noticed him because of how you look.

           Groaning, you place your head on the table “Ugh... Why couldn’t I have fallen for you instead?”. Again, missing the sad look Sam gives you.

          “Well, Good Morning to you sweetheart”. Damn Dean and his choice of words. You groan, lifting your head from the window, “Are we almost there?”.

          “Not quite. It’s taking us longer than I thought. We’re gonna head to a dinner just a couple minutes away from where we are, you good with that?”. Sam says looking back at you. You say nothing and nod, placing your head back on the window. It’s a nice scene for once, green trees and blue skies, a complete different contrast to the dream that you just woke up from. 

          And just as Sam says, the diner appears in your line of sight just after 5 minutes. And just like any diner you’ve been to, it has that classic retro vibe like the one they had in the olden days. Climbing out of the impala, you notice Dean constantly checking his phone screen from his pocket. Thinking nothing of it, you follow after Sam entering the diner, deciding to pick a booth by the window. As you sit down, you notice Dean through the window on the phone against the impala, a wide smile gracing his facial features. “Wonder who he’s talking to...”.

          Sam too, after ordering food for the three of you guys, looks out the window and says, “Probably Bobby Singer. Heard that he’s getting married to this chick called Jane”. You look at him in disbelief, “Seriously? You knew and didn’t tell me anything about it!?”. He shrugs nonchalantly, “totally forgot about it”. You roll your eyes and notice Dean and his suppose phone call with Bobby is over, walking over to the two of you guys. And as always, Dean sits by you. 

          “Im gonna head to the restroom”. You watch as Sam leaves to the restroom and wait until he’s inside, you finally turn to dean, “Who was that? Bobby Singer? I can’t believe you and Sammy knew he was getting married and didn’t bother telling me about it!” you exclaim, hitting his shoulder blades. 

          He looks at you, with what you think would be mild uncomfortableness, “Uh yeah, forgot to tell you about that...sorry...” he quickly looks away from you and gets up to the bakery side of the Dinner to order a cherry pie. Suspicious and knowing that there’s probably more to that phone call, you put it in the back of your mind as your food arrives. 

          “Sammy are you crazy!? Im not wearing this!” you cry out. There is no way your wearing this dress. Your chubby arms are in view and just looking at the slit of the dress resulting in your legs in view for anyone to see makes you sick. Your not used to wearing these types of clothes. Of course you’ve worn dresses for hunts like these, but you wore dresses of your choice that concealed your whole body. And knowing Sam picked out this dress for you AND knowing your insecurities, you cry out of frustration.

          Sam is shocked to say the least. You were so beautiful, the dress hugging your curves in all the right places. So just as you are frustrated, he’s also frustrated. But seeing those tears run down your face, his frustration fades and a wave of sadness hits him, “Hey now, why are you crying?” with no response from you, he cups your face “You are so beautiful (y/n). I picked this dress out because the color compliments your skin tone, it brings out the colors in your eyes, and...” you don’t notice it but his voice shakes, “I knew this dress would look absolutely amazing with your gorgeous body...” Sniffling loudly and still frustrated, you don’t catch his last sentence and finally look at him “what?”.

          Releasing his hold on your face he lets go and coughs “Nothing. Look, we have don’t have much time to waste, the party is gonna start in two hours and we have an hour drive to the hotel”. You nod silently, deciding to put your heels on and again not noticing the lingering stares of Sam. 

          Dean walks in and Sam quickly turns away, facing Dean “Are you guys ready? Wow...” Putting your last pair of heels, you don’t notice the silence in the room and two men staring at you, too caught up in your self-discrimination. With the strap hugging your ankle, you turn around “Im ready” and begin walking towards the door to the impala, again not noticing their eyes following you. As Dean finally register that your standing by the impala he leaves the room. But Sam just stays behind and shakes his head. Dense she is this woman. If you would just stop and look at them, you’d see how beautiful you are to the both of them. 

          You’re blown away. You’ve never seen anything like this before, it was like you were in another world, a fantasy world. Immediately, you feel silly about your reaction on your dress, as you look around, you feel under dressed. But no time to linger on those thoughts, as you hear your ear piece pick up with Sam’s voice and Dean’s arm around your waist tightens. “She’s there somewhere. Not sure of her appearance or age, but based on most witch cases, she should be able to stand out from the crowd”. You nod unknowingly and allow Dean to lead you to the bar. 

          Standing closely to you, you hold your breath as Dean leans down to whisper in your ear, “Notice anything suspicious about any woman?” You shake your head softly and whisper back, “No, but Sammy said that any woman that stands out from the crowd could be her”. He nods back at you and as planned, he leaves your side to get a couple dance with a few women, on the look out for any that stands out. You release your breath as you watch him lead a woman to the dance floor with a wide grin on his face. 

          “Easy (y/n/n), try grabbing a drink from the bar and act like your looking for a potential dance partner”. You release another shaky breath and order a drink. As soon as you have your drink in your hands, you have no time to look around in the crowd as a man approaches you with a flirtatious smile, “Hello love, name’s Brian, and you are?” you take a minute to study him, tall, blonde hair, blue eyes staring back at you, and a golden suit you’ve never seen a man wear before. it really does seem like you’re in another world. You shake his hand firmly, “Daisy”. You quickly glance back to the dance floor and notice that Dean is nowhere to be seen. “Beautiful name for a gorgeous dame like you” in your ear piece, you can hear Sam scoffing. Alarmed at Dean’s disappearance, you nod a thank you and excuse yourself. But you don’t get far away from him as he is in front of you offering a dance. Thinking of it as a way to look around in the dance floor more closely, you accept. 

          “I’ve never seen someone like you here before. Whose family name are you from?” Completely. Different. World”. Another quick glance over his shoulder and you see her. She’s talking to an elderly man and Dean still nowhere to be seen. where the hell is he? You look back at him, “Im from no family name. I just happen to know the mayor”. The look he gives you impales you. You’re not sure if you should be intimidated or flustered at the intense look he gives you. But before you can even think about it, a hand taps your shoulder and relief floods you as you recognize Dean’s cologne, “May I?” The guy takes one final look at you and then Dean and kisses your hand and leaves. You watch him walk away towards the witch not realizing how close Dean is holding you.

          You finally look back at him and realize he said something to you. “What?” He spins you around and brings you back close, whispering lowly in your ear and again, your breath hitches in your throat, “I said did you see her? The guy that was just with you came with her, i’ve noticed.” You look back at her, talking to “Brian”. You nod gently to him, “how do you know they came together?”. They’re walking to another room, a female following closely behind. “I was at the entrance and saw them both come in, holding hands. You think there’s two of them?” They’ve just entered the other ballroom. “Dean we gotta go, a girl is following them to another ballroom”. With quick actions and Sam confirming that there is indeed two witches, you finish the job quickly and stealthy. 

          “Good job guys. Im leaving the motel now, where are you guys?” Dean looks back at you, “It’s cool Sammy, we’ll walk. (y/n) insist that we do. sides’ its snowing and you know girls and snow” you can hear Sam laughing from the phone, “yeah don’t worry “Dad”. Okay okay bye”. As you stare up at the sky dripping down snow, Dean begins to mumble something, not hearing him clearly, “What?” He looks away rubbing his neck, “I said you look...” he looks back at you “...beautiful”. Your heart rate picks up. But before you can something his phone starts to ring. He excuses himself from your stare and leaves you breathless. You begin to think back on what Sam said, 

 “Just tell him. Dean Winchester might be a lady’s man but I know him enough to know that he won’t hurt you intentionally. Besides, he cares about you too much to hurt you”.

          “Yeah okay... Bye”

          You look at his back, concern radiating from your voice, “Everything okay?” He turns back at you with a smile in his face, “Yeah. Everything is great.” He walks back at you and you stare at him, with your palms shaking and sweating, your heart racing, and throat growing dry you finally say, 

          “I have something to say”

          “I have something to say”

         Dean chuckles at you, “You first” 

          Releasing a shaky breath, you stare at him intensely and say “I don’t know how to say this but...”

          “...But??”

          “I-i-i love you” 

         “I love you too”

          You shake your head frustrated, “No, I mean... Im in...” you exhale another shaky breath, “Im in love with you, Dean Winchester”. 

Part 1  (you are here) || Part 2 ||  Part 3  ||  Part 4   ||  Part 5 ||  Part 6  ||  Part 7 ||  Part 8  || Part 9  ||  Part 10 ||  Part 11  ||  Part 12 ||  Part 13 ||  Part 14  || End

[incoherentlynonexistent-blog]

Unfortunate Outcome

Amazing how one person can change everything.....incredible as that same person becomes somebody they swore and promised to never become.....funny how you believed them, and the unfortunate outcome is the consequences you suffer because you trusted their word over everyone and everything....

It's so degrading...to now be where you're at only because you believed in something that wasnt ever real...

Hurtful to actually feel the loneliness kick in.....

Depressing to remember how little of an importance you were to them....

Unwilling to heal and move on because how do you pick yourself up after consistently being there for someone then for it to become abandoned and forgotten.....

It's the Unfortunet outcome to their mishaps that led me to becoming helpless and needy.

Sad thing is, I don't even know what it is that i want

Idk what I need....

I know I dont need this constant bullshit

Unfortunetly because I had so much hope and expectations

Its stupid to look back and realize how naive and oblivious I used to be

Now I guess they can say I made my own mess when they're the ones who lied and ridiculed me because I was drug along for so long

The most unfortunate thing about this is the outcome. Despite how much "better" they find this to be, I won't ever be able to be better....yea I have my good days, but even those arent good.....

Doesnt matter where they go

Doesnt matter the time they let slip by

Hell it doesn't matter what they do .

In still feeling the same things

I doubt ill ever have anything to help me endure this

I live everyday waiting still

I go about each day hoping anyone would love to be here again

I literally feel myself slipping

I'm already dead because of them

Added with how I'm still feeling

I'm not sure of this feeling will subside

It's all mind consuming

I can't just stop about this

It's the one thing that no-one understands

The reason why I'm like this

The answer is simple

Given the empty promises and then being just thrown way like yesterdays garbage

I'm miserable with this unfortunate outcome.....

I didnt get closure

Instead I get the only thing that's never changed

Them leaving my life.....

Something promised against but in the end

They all prove to be the same person that leff you to begin with ......

It's hard living and feeling like this

I have no faith

I don't have confidence

I'm trying to find a purpose

But I can't get far or enough to cease the memories....

They're just haunting to me now...

Only because of how and what I've done

You really think I can just magically become better

No.

It's not possible unless you actually are willing to be here

Or unless you actually gave me the closure I've been desiring

Until I'm given that

I will not get better.

I will not heal

This unfortunate outcome will be my life sentence

This isn't what I what wanted

None of this is

I don't want the depression

I dont care for the desire.

I just want to feel happy again.

I want a reason to actually smile and feel good about myself......

I just wished someone would hear me out

After asking for three years now...

I cant just move on

God Damn it man

If they only knew just how bad I really am

I wonder if things would be different....

I wonder if anyone wouldve left....

I just want someone to be here for me

Irs not ever been about my sex life or being in a relationship

My goal was to only be around the people who want to be here

Maybe ive beckne to fucked up to obtain that chance again

Unfortunate outcome is me being treated in such manner when the pupils who inflicted all that hurt and damage are the ones at fault for me becoming this way. They shut me out because I'm still fucked up over it. I was the original victim that became traumatized and untrusting, but I wouldnt be this irritable bitter suicidally depressed person that's unwilling to move on if it weren't for their actions.

I don't trust anybody any more

I don't even crack a smile

You know who you are

The person im addressing anyway ..

I hope you're happy

I hope you feel accomplished at what you created

With the unfortunate outcome that you refuse to have anything to do with what you started and fucked up numerous times......it leaves me like this.....

Idk how else to stress this fact

Because I cant get that little bit of respect....

When I shouldn't have been involved anyway

I should've walked away

I should've listened to the voice in my head

"Don't worry on going to the laundry mat

If I'd knew then what I knew now

I would've never showed up

I would have never existed

But its thanks to you ive gotten like this

Thanks to you I sit all day every day for the past few years pondering about whats wrong with me

Why am I not wanted. Why does everyone leave....see that's the difference between us, you're the one who does all the leaving. I linger because I believe in equal opportunity especially when so much effort was put into it in the first place. I believe in those who remain loyal and true on their word, but you seem to still believe in empty promises. You're using you're ears to see and you're eyes to hear. You're the most cruel and cold hearted creature. Not human.....because with human emotion, I couldnt do what you do, I cant lead them on, shut them out, I cant make someone feel like their the one for me, but then shut them down and out when the one I want is around. I will never understand you're selfish decisions and with how you know youve done wrong but you still don't bother to change.

Maybe I've become an unforgivable asshole, but that's the unfortunate outcome when someone so heartless just takes you for granted then you're the bad guy for not only reacting actually a little more civil than you should've, but because god knows whatever words come from my posts or even texts, god forbid they remind you consistently of what you've done. Everything I am and everything I do now is because of you..

Days I'm angry, I blame you

Days I'm depressed, It's your fault

Days I cut, blamed you because just the little bit of open honesty wouldve prevented me cutting myself, but only to relieve that pain that I cant get out through crying.

Its the pain that makes your chest ache and have the urge to just scream in agony. Its that lodged in lump that swells in your chest when everything that was promised, shared, and enjoyed together now sets this darkened, and dead look to it. I find myself shying away from every and any little thing that you had any relations to. My music has changed. My faith in life itself is nonexistent. Ive become so angry and bitter, that I am constantly snappy.

It doesnt matter how angry I were to get with anyone else, because every one probably tells you I'm fine.....

I'm not fine

Im not ok

I'm suffocating myself

Its hard to not still be bitter....

How can I not still be angry when you left once again.....ive been irrational and disrespectful, but I never thought that this unfortunate outcome would involve me getting worse....I figured at some point within these four years .....I figured you wouldve not done this so much that I'm probably permanently fucked up....I mean fucking look at me...have you ever seen anyone so pathetic and humiliating?....

Loving someone is so beautiful but sad, because when you fall for someone, there's some part of you that breaks too, its gone for ever because its with that person you wanted to give your whole heart to, but they'll only always have what's actually left of you. For some reason being in that persons presence or just respected enough to be even thought about by them, makes life worth living even if I were to spend it alone. Its not because you lack feelings or really the past that I held over your head....I just wanted for someone to finally treat me differently.....

You wound up treating me the same

This is my unfortunate outcome

Its been a battle especially the last two years

I've never in my life have I ever felt so much pain

Ive never loved anyone as much as I love you

The unfortunate outcome for you is me being gone when you want to come back

I already know how it's to be

Its why I never understood you

But I still kept trying to

Maybe that was my mistake

Because my unfortunate outcome is the distance between us and how little I've meant within the last couple years....idk myself what you could ever do to make things better.....

Unfortunate outcome is what's done is done....

Its ruined

We're ruined

Were gone....

The end....

Hope you're doing well.....

Sorry for being impulsive and annoying

I'm sorry for being a fucked up mess.

Wishing you a lifetime of happiness....

Wishing you luck on your endeavors

Ill miss you

I have been already

Life just won't ever be the same. I just know if it was went about differently I would be able to handle the sudden blocked phone and Tumblr better than what I am now. I'm wasting mt time is the sad thing because I'm sire you're thought is why if I'm to be the way I was before, well, it would be nice to have at least that wanting to talk to me or even asking things sbout my life. I literally have been wanting to fit in, and I'm sorry I tried to get in your way. I'm sorry for being this way period.....in sorry I can't bring myself to be better.....I literally feel like I have no other place to go or anything to do.....I should be doing soemthing with my life, bur in not.....only bevause I spend every day trying to avert seeing or even tbe chance to see you kr anything related to you That will rip my chest right then and there.

It's those things I want to feel better about.....I want to be able to see you without getting so severely depressed. That's the last unfortunate outcome, because of that, how I feel.....I think it's best if we just never saw each other ever again......Obviosuly you're already on that route but if that's really what you want, then you really will not ses me ever again. I mean you can scream yell my name. I will not look at any part of you.....I'm prudent because maybe youre right, just sticking with avoiding them, and I guess you do lose some feeling. I hate being like this. Idk what else to do. I dont need your help. I need your understanding. I dont need to be questioned, at least at what I'm doing, because idk anymore.....I get flustered easily because my mind stays so caught up on you that I fuck up everything I touch or work on.....then it goes back to the angry blaming you thing.....never ending......so how can I get better? What do I do? You just left. You didn't leave a note, you didnt say goodbye, and of all things I've ever done for you, you never helped my unfortunate outcomes...you rejected me time and time again.

I just idk how to be ok.....

I just feel like I'm losing touch with my existence

As in because you live in my mind so much I try to avoid that too....I've become a blank spaced emotionless robot....I'm depressed but I look solemn. I then break soon as I snap.....I'm getting worse.....idk its so hard to put into words. I just feel myself losing control over everything including my decisions.....

Whether you believe me or not.....I don't care to convince you anymore. Honestly I'm not even doing that now. I just needed to get what I could out....atleast While its flowing....well it was....I think I explained the best I could and linked the way I think...

Respond or don't respond

Respectfully, I'm refraining from tagging your blog name in the post. If you see it and or read it then its actually ok if you don't ever speak to me again.....I mean you're the one in charge and I know if you don't soeak first, then there's just nothing left to do but just hope you enjoy life.

Take care of yourself Kourt.....thanks for everything.....

[akakailisiandrago-blog]

Expression

ex·pres·sionikˈspreSHən/

noun

noun:

expression

; plural noun:

expressions

1.the process of making known one's thoughts or feelings."his views found expression in his moral sermons"synonyms:utterance, uttering, voicing, pronouncement, declaration, articulation, assertion, setting forth; More

2.the look on someone's face that conveys a particular emotion."a sad expression"synonyms:look, appearance, air, manner, countenance, mien"an expression of harassed fatigue"

3.a word or phrase, especially an idiomatic one, used to convey an idea."nowhere is the expression “garbage in, garbage out” any truer"synonyms:idiom, phrase, idiomatic expression; More

4.the production of something, especially by pressing or squeezing it out."essential oils obtained by distillation or expression"synonyms:squeezing, pressing, extraction, extracting"essential oils obtained by expression"

5.GENETICSthe appearance in a phenotype of a characteristic or effect attributed to a particular gene.

the conveying of feeling in the face or voice, in a work of art, or in the performance of a piece of music."eyes empty of expression"synonyms:emotion, feeling, spirit, passion, intensity; More

MATHEMATICSa collection of symbols that jointly express a quantity."the expression for the circumference of a circle is 2πr"

the process by which possession of a gene leads to the appearance in the phenotype of the corresponding character.noun: gene expression; plural noun: gene expressions

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A word that has made itself known to me for the last 6 weeks.... the word EXPRESSION is quite elaborately expressing itself in my life lately.

First it was a sore throat. For weeks. At first I thought it was, well, just a sore throat. Maybe too much gym? Too much drinking? Too much hanging around other sick people?

I tried everything. It would go away, temporarily, and then come back. I dont think I was sick sick, just this, sore throat.  I started to question it. And then my friend Krista and I pulled some healer angel guide cards and the one I got that day was suffering. It was a warning to be careful. But that whatever hurt, pain and suffering I might feel physically, could lead me to recluse in order to heal. 

I told her about my sore throat and then said, maybe it was a Throat Chakra blockage. Only half kidding. And then I looked it up....

“ Throat Chakra Blockage

A blocked throat chakra can significantly impact your ability to communicate effectively for fear of ridicule and judgement. A throat chakra blockage can also manifest as the inability to express and realize your truth in the world. When the fifth chakra is open and balanced, you are able to express yourself clearly and honestly in any situation with confidence. Common Signs of Throat Chakra Blockage: You may find yourself unable to speak your truth when you need it the most, or holding back on expressing your needs and desires. Perhaps, you long for realizing your dreams and living with a strong and clear purpose, but seem to not be able to quite get there. These are common signs that your throat chakra  does not function at its optimal level.

When the throat chakra is blocked or otherwise imbalanced, energy flow is hindered and can lead to physical symptoms affecting the head, mouth, throat, and neck. It is not uncommon to experience neck pain, headaches, hoarseness, and sore throat when the flow of energy through the throat chakra is disrupted.

Some common physical symptoms of blockage include:

chronic sore throat

frequent headaches

dental issues

mouth ulcers

hoarseness

thyroid problems

laryngitis

Temporomandibular disorders of the jaw (commonly known as TMJ)

neck pain

Consequently, the blockage can also impact your physical health. When you experience such signs of physical discomfort, healing practices focusing on the upper body area, in particular your neck and shoulders, can bring relief and allow energy to move more freely. Of course, for serious and recurring symptoms, please consult a physician whom you trust.

Emotional Signs of Throat Chakra Blockage

When the throat chakra is imbalanced, the blockage can also manifest through non-physical symptoms that may impact you at various levels from psychological and emotional, to psychically and spiritually.

Non-physical signs of blockage can be more prevalent. Among the more commons signs are:

fear of speaking

inability to express thoughts

shyness

inconsistency in speech and actions

social anxiety

inhibited creativity

stubbornness

detachment

For instance, perpetuated blockages that are fairly significant can cause one to become arrogant, deceptive, domineering, or manipulative. On the contrary, energy that flows freely through the throat chakra promotes effective, truthful communication. You are able to “find you.” You are confident, responsible, and can easily find the right words to express your thoughts.

A blockage of the throat chakra can cause you to become stoic, quiet, and fearful. The imbalance may also create feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and shyness when it comes to self-expression and speaking to others. Public speaking can cause near paralysis when the issue is a blocked fifth chakra.

An imbalance in the throat chakra can adversely affect many aspects of your personal and professional life. You may find you avoid social situations and are more comfortable alone. You may even become distrustful of your inner voice.

What To Do About A Blocked Throat Chakra

Clearing the throat chakra involves learning to let go and trusting your inner voice. Not a small task for a lot of us! Check out the general guidelines for throat chakra healing for practical ideas on how to restore balance in this center.

A few basic steps to clear this chakras include:

Working through and releasing all negative emotions, including guilt, hurt, and resentment can work wonders to restore energy balance in the throat chakra. Sometimes a good cry can also help alleviate a blockage of the fifth chakra.

Practicing mindful speech, action, and deeds can help you maintain throat chakra balance. For example, talk openly and honestly with others on a regular basis.

Meditating on and incorporating the throat chakra’s color, blue, into your life can also calm emotional upheaval. For instance, introduce blue-colored flowers or decor to your home environment. 

http://www.chakras.info/throat-chakra-blockage/

All of this was totally relational to me. I felt right at home in that damn webpage. I had the AH HA! moment even. But then the question was, how the HELL DO I MAKE IT ALL STOP! How do I FIX THIS?

Krista’s gave me some crystals that seemed to help....

But there was more, there still IS more. SO much more. 

My first day in Sydney I found myself drawn into the ONE stone/crystal/psychic tarot card reader shop in all of the WestField Mall. And if you know anything about Westfield malls.... in Sydney, then you know what I mean. Not long into mosey-ing around the store I felt myself drawn to aquamarine - I mean, I knew it was my birthstone, but I read the card and felt like it was the one. So I grabbed three raw stones all of beautiful symmetric shapes. Mosey-ed around a little more and came up to the counter. Teagon - the young woman working - grabbed this smooth, round stone that had a hole carved into it. Beautiful light blue with darker blue waves, like the ocean. She said - Here, hold this up to your throat for a moment. - So I did. I felt a rush of emotion move through me. But it started in the lump of my throat that burst into tears after asking her why she felt I needed that stone there. Her reply - I felt some type of blockage there, something about your expression....  Blue lace agate, this stone, is very good for clearing that. ---

And that was it, just like a tidal wave, I burst into tears. She just hugged me. I think she does that kind of thing on the daily. She doesnt need to know if she is right or wrong. Shes just there, dressed in all white, like a perfect messenger angel. 

Left that mall with all I needed.

Later I decided to look up the deeper meanings of aquamarine. Low and behold - the ultimate throat chakra healing stone. Who would have thought! I guess im pretty in tune with what I need too. ;-) But.. was this giong to fix all my “expression/throat chakra blockage/public speaking/need to be heard problems”?

Since then, the term expression for me has come up several more times.

Ill have to add in all the details later. But fast forward to tonight.

Here I am, in Bali, and a friend I have been feeling the need to connect with, walks right into the same restaurant where I am eating. Just like that. Granted I knew he was in Bali, but I did NOT tell him where I was eating. We get to talking, and through everything said, the final answer is that our purpose in life is to express ourselves. That is the GOD CREATION and CREATOR. He said he realized this through his own struggle with expression. And then I realized later tonight, after I got home, that it wasn’t about the answer, or the fact that he had been there. It was exactly what he said when he first sat down... That he was there for me. He was meant to be there for me. 

So what - What with all of this. Well, funny thing is. I still dont know. I am not quite sure where I belong, where I fit in, if i fit in at all or if im even meant to, but right now, thats ok and I dont need a clear answer. I think the path has made itself know and its all about EXPRESSION. 

And so.... Here I go....