#im multifaceted im complicated i have a lot on my mind

[glitchdollmemoria]

more paragraphs on paragraphs about sappy conversion feelings

once again stating that jewish conversion student joy is an emotion unlike anything else, in fact its an emotion with so many different facets and intricacies between different people that it feels unfair to chalk it up to one single emotion.

i used to struggle a lot with trying to study, or even reading for fun, largely because of my issues with disorganized thinking (which i can recognize is affecting how im writing this post, but listen, im not fucking cured lol). in the past year or so since i started looking into conversion, ive improved a lot in that regard. i still do struggle with disorganized thinking, but when it comes to jewish studies, i struggle a lot less. my brain has a bit less trouble trying to make sense of what im reading or hearing. and when it comes to the trouble i still do have, ive been able to apply skills that i previously didnt use often, like just going batshit with a pack of highlighters. since then, ive found it easier to apply those skills even outside of jewish studies - i can highlight fictional books to help myself follow along, i can put ebooks into documents so i can digitally highlight them, that sort of stuff.

and now i feel more motivated to study and read and learn and do things just in general! a year ago i mostly spent my free time sitting around in my room playing video games or browsing around online. and neither of those are bad on their own, but i really wasnt doing much else. it felt like i was mostly killing time. now, a year later, i often feel like i have too much i want to do, i have so many hobbies and goals i keep adding to - jewish studies, visual art, writing, music, computer science, reading, roleplay, and even still video games and browsing online, theres so much i want to do and really no shortage of activities i can fill my time with. i feel so much more satisfied and whole as a person, because ive been able to take that excitement and motivation from pursuing conversion and apply it to other aspects of my life. i feel less guilty taking time to relax and do less important things because i know that i spend plenty of other time taking steps toward the goals i have in my life. i feel more balanced than i ever have.

theres also the joy of being part of a community. i used to be very disconnected from the people around me, and this is still something i deal with for a lot of reasons, i dont expect to ever fully stop feeling that disconnection. but going to the synagogue, being invited to events, connecting with the other congregants, all of it helps me to feel like i have a spot where i do belong. right after i came back from my first time attending this congregation a couple days ago, i immediately went and told my friends that i knew this was my congregation. these are the people who didnt hesitate to take me in, this is the building where i feel comfortable and happy and at home, this is the community i want to be involved in. i never had that growing up. theres a large part of me thats almost grateful for all the time ive spent isolated from others, even if it wasnt an isolation that i deserved, because it makes me all the more overjoyed and grateful to finally have somewhere i feel like i belong.

and then theres the aspect of learning more about my jewish heritage. as with the rest of the things in this post, this isnt meant to be a universal experience, but in my case i do have jewish family from generations back who i didnt even know about until i told my grandmother i wanted to convert and she started telling me about her own grandfather. and its been so fascinating to look into my ancestry, to learn the names of the people im descended from, to read about people who lived over a hundred years ago, to learn about the culture they came from. i have a whole new life goal now to visit the country my great-great-grandfather immigrated from! i want to bring my boyfriend with me and go explore all the beautiful landmarks! and im not sure the best word for it, but i think i could say its fulfilling, to be coming back to the culture and religion that my family became disconnected from due to assimilation, disconnected even to the point that my father didnt believe his own mothers claims of going to shul as a kid. i get to learn about all these traditions i never even knew were a part of my family history! i get to raise my future kids with jewish culture, and teach them about their great-great-great-plus-grandparents.

everything about converting feels like coming home. i am exactly on the path im supposed to be on. im growing into myself, finally. never have i been this intent on living. i think thats the best way i can phrase it. i want to toast over and over, l'chaim, l'chaim, l'chaim, just like i did with my new congregation last shabbat.

[starryjoy]

no i totally get what you're saying!! like i dont hate being trans, but as a nonbinary person the way so many trans people (both irl and online) get sorta... boxed in??? to being trans as if that is the be-all and end-all of their personality makes me kind of sad and a little bit scared of coming out. like, being trans is an important part of me, and obviously i'd like it if people recognized that, but im also just a person, yknow?? not everything i do leads back to being trans, and in fact id say a lot of it doesn't. it scares me to think that i could lose being seen as a complicated, multifaceted person in favour of just a stereotype of A Trans. idk sorry to dump all this in your inbox i just wanted to share my two cents :3

thank you for sharing anon ❤️

i definitely do want to be seen as a queer woman!!! I just get so scared that people will believe all of my behavior is like that because I used to be a man and now I'm a woman. like I'm scared that because of misogyny closing people's minds to what a woman can be and do and transphobia giving people the idea that I'm still part man that what I do as a woman that's a little weird for a woman I do because I'm trans, while I'd most definitely have been exactly like this if I was born cis as well

[uncanny-tranny]

Hi. this might be long so feel free to delete but i would like some advice/help. so i am trans i have known i am trans for years and years. since i was a toddler. i came out first when i was a preteen and i sort of fluctuated between identifying as 'just' binary male and various nombinary genders for a while until settling on binary male a couple years ago. but lately ive been wondering whether im trans het or a nonbinary butch lesbian. i am only attracted to women and im only comfortable with masculine terms he/him pronouns all that stuff. but idk. it's complicated and i am also both intersex and autistic so i feel kinda weird about it anyway. i tried identifying myself a s a butch lesbian a few days ago but i changed my mind after about 20 minutes because im worried about people interpreting me as a woman when really my gender is very masculine with some other stuff like an alien. idont know how else to explain it sorry

I definitely get where you're coming from, and I don't think I'll have the "right" answer for you - not because of anything you are, but because you are the expert in your experiences. I'm sure you know that, but I always want to remind people of that, sometimes we get caught up in making sure that we are "right."

There are plenty of other butches, genderqueer people, trans guys - whatever, really - who are in the same boat. It can be hard to navigate and make sure who you are is understood. I think a lot of times, people will interpret you based on their own ideas, and that does suck, but it often doesn't indicate a lot about what you are doing. I definitely think if it makes you comfortable, you should claim it, though I get how complex that can be.

And like... I know so many butches and whatnot who totally get where you're coming from, and I think finding those people can make it so much easier to see yourself claiming it, if that makes sense. If you haven't, please do surround yourself with a bunch of people who have those similar experiences.

You contain multitudes. You are multifaceted, and that may include being "contradicting." Whatever you feel best in is right for you. I don't know what is best for you, but I do know you deserve to be heard and not judged. I hope you extend that curtosy to yourself.

[kuroopaisen]

@kacchand (i couldn't tag your main but i wanted to make sure you saw this fdlkjfdlkj) 

hello dear! i’m sorry it took me so long to respond to this dflskjfdlkfdj i decided to answer your ask in a text post so i can link my thoughts to yours more easily! also, i know i'm going to Ramble, so i wanted to be able to keep it under a cut sdlkfjd

Hi rowan!! I've just finished the final chapter of aot and I just wanted to ask your opinion on it!

(SPOILERS THAT DEPICT MY UNDERSTANDING OF THE STORY'S MEANING AHEAD. READ ONLY IF YOU'VE FINISHED THE CHAPTER)

(FR )

(THERE'S STILL TIME TO BACK OUT)

(DO IT NOW. SPOILER ALERT)

I'd also like to ask a follow up question about it, because it seems that I've come to a different concl. from many of my friends and I'm feeling dumb abt how i feel w it.

first of all (and i say this as sincerely as possible, and if i'm coming off as condesending please let me know hh), please don't feel dumb because you've come to a different conclusion :(

we all read media at different levels (i’ve been told it’s ‘not that deep’ before fdljkfsdlkj) and identify different aspects in it, so the fact that you've had a different experience to some of your friends is absolutely not a reflection on your intelligence. and if anyone's making you feel that way, drop their @. i just want to talk :) furthermore, you’re not wrong for responding to something emotionally, especially if it really... makes you uncomfortable, you know? 

i'm from the PH & I've put off determining whether i'm comfy w the manga til the last chap,,,, but is it wrong that I can't shake the feeling that it's a justification of japanese expansionism and genocide? ik this manga has always been in the grey area, and that's what I love abt it! It often shows that no choice they make is absolutely good or bad, and does such a good job at showing you how each complex character came to that understanding (role of environment, etc...) but this last chapter felt too positive abt the rumbling? Like it was justified because paradis was able to advance and there wasn't much choice? idk.

that's totally valid! some of the best think pieces on the show i read mentioned that the concern with the narrative is less "is isayama a nazi sympathiser?" (he most likely isn't), but if he's a imperial japan apologist. and...

well, let's just say that my father is british, and when i was trying to say that colonisation was bad, using british india as an example, he said "well, we gave them railroads." it's... it's uncomfortable and gross and i think it encapsulates how countries with imperial pasts tend to talk about them; even if they don't officially endorse it, there's often a lot of talk about how "well colonialism was good for this country, actually--"

and if the manga felt like it was justifying japanese expansionism, then chances are it had elements that very much did point towards that. i've had a lot of trouble grappling with reiner, annie and bertolt, because they've existed in this grey area of 'victim of oppression' and 'war criminal'; and their existence raises the question of "do people who commit war crimes simply do what needs to be done?" and by victimising them it... it plays into the whole nuremberg defense of "i was just following orders". it's making you feel bad for the people committing said war crimes (and similarly with eren, and all the awful things he's done). but i'll get more into this point later dsfkjfd

i haven't read the last chapter yet (and don't worry about spoilers! i've been approaching aot from a very... specific perspective anyway, so i actually don't mind spoilers -- i read a bunch of analyses of the series before i'd even watched it hh), but... i think if it came off as too positive about, you know... an awful thing that happened, then it absolutely makes sense that you'd feel uncomfortable?

the modernisation narrative in general is one that always skeeves me out. it's one japanese imperialists use to justify the invasion of korea (and even those infamous tweets from the one account purported to be isayama talk about how the population of korea boomed under japanese imperial occupation, which... stop.)

it's also commonly invoked in cases of development. certain members of society (usually the poor), just 'had' to die for the good of the future. who gives a damn if they consent to that? they have to.

similarly, the 'we had no choice' narrative. that's... a concerning one that crops up time and again with history apologists, the argument that "oh if x country hadn't done y, then someone else would've!" or that acts of aggression were done as pre-emptive self-defence, which is so... ugh. i just. i just hate it.

It also feels really weird w the ymir and the whole loving fritz thing. i wish we got to see more of her thought process and what conclusion she came to that led her to destroying the power of the titans.

i... hate this so much. i get that abuse is complicated and victims often have multifaceted feelings towards their abusers, but... most people would focus on that in their story? the story would be about that? but instead, it's just... a thing in the history of the world and that's... icky.

also having the genesis of the titans come from a slave girl in love with her captor... there's many levels of ick to it and i highly doubt it was handled with the appropriate level of grace and sensitivity.

honestly, this might be one of the things that pissed me off the most because of how... contradictory her backstory was with That One Chapter (you know, instead of ymir crying because she wants to be free or because she’s been trapped she........ wants to see mikasa kiss eren’s decapitated head? i guess? what the fuck?) 

idk...I just think that context is sometimes everything. and i understand that media can portray incorrect things,,,, and that isayama likely didn't intend for it to become a global sensation, but i guess i'm just uncomfortable w the right wing nazis getting a comfort book ahaha.

i totally get that! even if attack on titan is meant to be anti-fascists, the fact of the matter is... a lot of fascists love it. and relate to it. which is... alarming. especially given just how popular aot is worldwide.

it’s hard because before the ending, attack on titan did feel like it was more grey; i remember saying that i wouldn’t know how to feel about it until the ending because the story was either saying “the military is corrupt and war is hell”, or it was saying “the military is corrupt and war is hell, but it is necessary.” 

still sorting out my thoughts, but yeah. I think i'm having a hard time understanding what they really accomplished with the rumbling and how they gave eren a sudden lelouch role and a lot of how they made it out to be a happy thing? perhaps I'm too biased to see it fully but to me it gives a "woah. eren was a hero. he saved us from destruction. those people needed to die for us to achieve this temporary peace and new start". i suppose the rumbling gave them a levelled playing ground?

OH MY GOOOOOD okay. i haven't finished code geass. but i really don't like lelouch. i mean... i think i just don't like characters that sacrifice other people for a purported 'greater good' (i could write an Essay about how much i hate erwin smith looking at him is enough to send me into an unhinged rage), but where i'm up to in the anime, i don't like the direction they're going with eren? i mean, i've never liked eren, but... that whole "martyr for the eldians" is just. ew. especially when you see several eldian characters disagree and resist him. 

why does this one guy get to make choices for everyone else? because he’s sPeCiAL? fuck off 

sorry for not being coherent. maybe i'm basing this too much on feelings ahaha. trust aot to finish it's scandalous run with a scandalous end.

no omg you're being perfectly coherent :( also, if anyone's making you feel bad or stupid for how you experience media, they’re... definitely not as smart as they think they are fdslskjfdlk. 

i'm of that mind that, while media consumption is in part an intellectual exercise, it is inherently very emotional; narrative media tries to make us feel as much as it makes us think. that’s what stories are for, you know? intellectual analysis is well and good but what’s the point of a story if it doesn’t make you feel anything?

that's to say, i don't believe there's such thing as basing your opinion too much on feelings :') especially since it's your personal experience with a piece of media; you don't owe anyone 'objectivity' (which is always a farce when it comes to this sort of thing) or 'logical analysis', because nobody's got any right to criticise you for engaging with media the 'wrong way'.

tl;dr I feel like the mood was too celebratory abt the rumbling, and didn't entail enough on the tragedy so much that it felt like a justification for genocide and expansionism. how do you feel abt it's ending and the message it leaves? is isayama responsible to give a morally correct answer to the cycle of hatred? you're not obligated to answer! and sorry for the rambling.

hhh yeah i guess that’s the thing at the end of the day... is isayama responsible for giving a “morally correct” answer? no, but the way the ending plays out is very telling. 

like armin thanking eren? mikasa’s e n t i r e character boiling down to being in love with a mass murderer no matter how poorly he’s treated her? and one could argue that kind of ending is supposed to be unsettling, supposed to hint that the cycle will just continue, but...

framing is everything. and it’s framed like a Good, Emotional Thing, Aren’t We So Grateful Eren Did All Those Awful Things 

YI think I would've been fine if we got to see more of Eren's or Yif you have a different perspective on how eren is being portrayed please do share! I just felt really yucky watching armin say "thanks for murdering all those people for us" with love,,, I suppose he was trying to make eren feel better. ach maybe I'm just overreacting. idk. im dumb ahaha . i'll send this in anyway cuz I'd love to hear your take!

HHHHHHH i just hate eren and i never got him. i felt bad for him in the beginning, but he's always been too... violent for me. there was a very short period of time in season 2 where i felt bad for him, but otherwise it’s just been... ugh. the main three have always been the weakest part of the series imo, so it’s really not surprising they’re part of the reason the ending was so. bad. 

and... well, that one infamous quote pretty much sums up my issue with armin. he's supposed to be the 'intelligent' one, but he's hopelessly devoted to a homicidal maniac with whom he has a very artificial, unbelievable bond with.

at the end of the day, the "thank you for becoming our monster" thing just makes it seem like attack on titan's core message is "war is horrible, but it is necessary." it feels like it's justifying massacre. and while fiction is fiction, and sometimes it's as simple as that, i think something as politically loaded as attack on titan needs to be looked at with a critical lens when discussing what it’s trying to say or what it means. 

do i think it makes someone a Bad Person for liking aot or being attached to it in some way? no, because that’s dumb, and what media someone likes =/= their Moral Goodness TM. ofc trends are a thing and certain pieces of media appeal to certain types of people, but it’s a false equivalency that misses the point. 

but by that same breath, nobody is wrong or stupid or has Less Valid Opinions just because what they took away from it makes them uncomfortable. 

i’m sorry this is So Long i have so many thoughts about this dskljfslkj 

but at the end of the day, 

levi sexy

[trickstarbrave]

my hot take is love spells do not override someone’s free will as love and romantic attraction is a feeling. it is no more overriding someone’s free will as purposefully pissing someone off. can it be super rude as hell and a bad idea to do? yes. but a love spell will not force someone to call you back, to ask you out, or have sex with you. what it does is make them feel a certain way, and how people respond to those emotions and act upon them is not up to you to control most of the time. 

free will is, for me, the freedom we have to preform actions. we do not, most of the time, have perfect control of our thoughts and feelings. in some non-western philosophies you can cultivate your will to control these as well but im talking strictly western which is where i see this debate. our thoughts and feelings are influenced by outside forces all the time. what you find attractive or not is not up to you to decide, it is dictated by a variety of factors you almost certainly have 0 control over (societal views, cultural background, sexuality, oppression and trauma, etc). 

a love spell (of one where you are targeting a specific person who does not feel the same way for you) does not take control of someone. it does not possess them and make them do things they had 0 capacity to do before. it generates emotions and attraction. how they act upon this is entirely up to them, they can process and act upon it in a variety of ways you could not anticipate. they can become very obsessive with you to an unhealthy degree, their mental health can suffer, they can feel a lot of confusion and start to avoid you, and they can even start to resent you. hell they could decide they feel like you’re a sibling and refuse to date you on that principle when if you hadn’t done this they may have fallen in love with you romantically. love is a very complicated emotion we all experience in VERY different ways, which is what makes this brand of love magic tricky and potentially dangerous. you are not mind controlling them, but you can easily cause more problems for them and yourself by trying this if you are not skilled and making good choices. 

but the myth got started that A: love spells CAN make someone specifically choose to date you/take you back/have sex with you/whatever and then that B: this is imposing upon their free will. love spells do not really work like this in most of the ones i see ppl claiming it on. i still will not call targeted love spells beginner friendly for this reason, and i will say that regardless of your skill level targeting someone do not know very well/you know doesnt like you back/has already left you is a bad idea. because you dont know how they will take it, and what it can mean for you. would you like to spontaneously catch feelings for your weird coworker who doesn’t stop annoying you? probably not, so don’t subject other people to it, and it’s not going to build you a good, long lasting relationship 9 times out of 10.

but its just annoying bc ppl complain and bitch on anything love spell adjacent esp on tiktok right now. love spells can be for consenting parties, to keep current relationships strong, to attract love without targeting it (this can also be tricky so show caution), love of friends, and for self love. as i said love is a complicated, multifaceted feeling and experience. and saying “it imposes upon others free will” is both not really true, and doesnt actually address the real risks of it. 

[stilitana]

so i listened to this embarassingly quickly but let’s chalk that up to the self-isolation/working from home and leave it at that

wolf 359 reactions under the cut (spoilers):

firstly, that soundtrack was so good and i’ll be listening to those piano pieces forever

this show demonstrated the eternal power of the agatha christie principle: gather a ragtag cast of characters who’ve all got beef with each other, and trap them in a small space together. cue the instant tension and inevitable weighty revelations.

i adore that amid all the drama/action, there were so many moments when the writers let the narrative breathe a little and just allowed the characters to talk to each other, and play games with one another. the word games were delicious. these were often moments of levity and good character building, but they also all moved relationships forward or revealed something new, so don’t ever let anybody say that having chill little funny moments is useless narrative fluff. these were the best moments.

empty man cometh might be my favorite. am i alone now? and memoria were also just...so good. a lot of the mini-episodes were excellent as well, especially all the character ones. variations on a theme might be my favorite of the shorts.

normally i’m impatient and skip anything i perceive as extraneous to the central narrative, and come back to it later--im so glad i didn’t, the live episode was hilarious. ashamed that i even tried to skip change of mind because i was so impatient to see what was happening, but i felt too bad so not even five minutes into the next ep, i went back and listened to it, and that was the right move...it was so good.

every single character was fantastic. every single one. they were all complex--even the less central characters had at least a moment or two where they struck a different note, showed another side of themselves. kepler was the stand out on this front for me. i didn’t care at all about the si-5 crew when they first came in--i was actually annoyed and expected to hate them all, which is a risk you run when you introduce a bunch of new, influential characters so late in a story. they made it work so well. first i came around to maxwell, then jacobi, and finally (tbh it was his swan song) i was like, okay, kepler was a great character. they made him sympathetic without trying to retcon anything to force me to pity him or think he’d been good all along or anything. cutter and pryce were less human, so their redeeming qualities came more from being interesting. i think the voice acting plays a lot into this--cutter just on paper wouldn’t be half as fun

really impressed with how this same thing played out with lovelace--she went from this sort of mythic, predeceased character, to an antagonist, and finally to being such a central character to the crew that you could hardly imagine them without her. poor writing could have easily made her kind of character unlikable. i think characters like her often get short-changed and written as one-note action hero types who crash in and upend the narrative just to give the plot steam and provide friction. instead, she’s as fully fleshed out as the main characters, and seamlessly becomes one of them.

rip plant monster...i loved you :,(

so, the antagonists were multifaceted, and so were the protags. this could have also easily been sloppy. with eiffel especially, lazy writing would have made the reveal of his backstory super cheap, out of left field, and made you feel like you never knew him at all and leave you unable to reconnect. instead of going the route where the writer for some reason thinks they have to make their plucky protag gritty, the reveal of eiffel’s backstory doesn’t change him at all--and why should it? it’s his backstory--it already happened. instead, it only forces him and minkowski to have conversations they probably needed to have anyway, and fleshes out the reason he’s even there in the first place. on this note, it’s not ultimately his backstory that eiffel has to confront within the story as a major flaw--the backstory was a mistake in the past he’s been dealing with for years by the time we meet him. i love what they chose to do instead so much more: what he had to deal with was his current, present day behavior--how he effortlessly disrespects and belittles the people closest to him without even trying. the key there is, without trying--he has to make a decision to start. (”that’s the thing about you, eiffel--you try. you try really, really hard, and then--you stop trying” that was such a good interaction...god.) i could go on and on about how this was such a satisfying tack to take but i’m trying to cut it down. glib bastards like eiffel are so often a sort of male wish-fulfillment character where they get to say whatever the fuck they want without consequence, be lazy, be careless, and still come out on top, and still seem lovable, because hey, he’s funny. eiffel doesn’t get off that easily, and he’s a much better character for it, and so are all the others, for actually demanding better for themselves, because they know they deserve it, and because they all actually care about each other, so when they confront him, he doesn’t just shrug it off--he tries. (it takes him a minute. but he tries.)

hera broke my heart a million times i love her so much. she had so many complex inner conflicts that weren’t just boiled down to some dumbass bs like “boo hoo am i human.” her personhood is a given for the sorts of conflicts she has, as far as feeling inadequate, feeling unappreciated, like an imposter or a less-valued member of the crew. her and minkowski arguing was excellent and allowed them both a chance to be childish because hey, eiffel shouldn’t have the monopoly on that.

death was a serious thing. human life was highly valued, and its loss was never made light of. not even for antagonists (kepler, hilbert) or, in the most extreme case, pryce, who eiffel chose to make a sacrifice to defeat rather than just kill her, the one principle aside from doing as little work as possible he stood his ground on the entire story. team what’s wrong with handcuffs indeed...i just really loved that the main lead was a pacifist and that this line of thinking held sway in the narrative. it was really refreshing (i don’t think it should be--there’s just a lot of bad writing out there especially when things edge into the action genre) to see this stance on nonviolent conflict resolution wherever possible, because yeah, most people have a really hard time ending another person’s life...no shit. minkowski makes that call and deals with the fallout for the rest of the show--she’s not done dealing with it by the end, it’s going to be something she takes with her. sometimes eiffel’s passivity was depicted as a weakness, but he ultimately did diffuse a lot of situations and gave other characters the space to consider their options. i do think that sometimes the narrative’s insistence on eiffel’s dual pacifism/incompetence shifted the burden of action onto minkowski and lovelace and i’m not sure how i feel about that. i think where i’d have to look is comparing how pryce and cutter are dealt with--yeah, im willing to buy that minkowski wasn’t willing to trade all of her memories so that she wouldn’t have to kill cutter. but was she the one who had to have a body count as a conscious narrative choice, or were we just determined to maintain eiffel’s status as the sort of goofy, “innocent” one? or was that something minkowski was determined to preserve--because that’d be really sad and complicated and say way more about her than it would about him.

dear listeners. i loved everything about the dear listeners. it was everything i ever wanted from aliens trope-wise.

didn’t really get the total significance of surrogates or decima virus. those were the only two things that felt sort of hasty because the stakes suddenly went from “the lives on this space station” to “life on earth as we know it.” but apocalypse averted so whatever, the aliens just want music

i am conflicted about the fucking. amnesia. memory was SO important throughout, and questions of identity and personhood, and this is the only reason that amnesia ending didn’t enrage me. if i think about it more i’m sure there will be a lot to unpack with what’s being implied here

this has gotten REALLY long so im going to stop now and finish mindlessly entering data into excel. in short: i loved it 

[venenorita]

HE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all have witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat.

Mun Name: Mercy      Age: 27      Contact: IM, discord

Character(s) I rp: Bambi, Candice, Giselle, Loly, Tier, Emilou, Nanao, Hiyori, Kuukaku, Yoruichi, Ariugrette Tsetsara (OC), Tatsuki Arisawa, Kobu Merani (OC), Ajora Faengerhol (OC), Medusa Gorgon, Subida Roja (OC), Noriko Tsunayashiro (OC), (I’m gonna stop here for my own sanity @n@) Which muse(s) inspires you the most atm?(for MM): Bambi, Loly, Tier, and probably Noriko.  Current Fandom(s): Bleach presently.  Fandom(s) you have an AU for:  Errr, none really? Not that come to mind at least. My language(s): English Themes I’m interested in for rp:   Fantasy / Science fiction / Horror / Western / Romance / Thriller / Mystery / Dystopia / Adventure / Modern / Erotic / Crime / Mythology / Classic / History / Renaissance / Medieval / Ancient / War / Family / Politics / Religion / School / Adulthood / Childhood / Apocalyptic / Gods / Sport / Music / Science / Fights / Angst / Smut / Drama / etc. Themes/Genres you have an AU for:None Really dedicated to any particular genre or theme. Not that I’d be unwilling to make some. AUs are my jam. 

Preferred Thread length: one-liner / 1 para / 2 para / 3+ / novella. Asks can be send by: Mutuals / Non-Mutuals / Personals / Anons. Can Asks be continued?:   YES / NO   only by Mutuals?:  YES / NO. Preferred thread type: crack / casual nothing too deep / serious / deep as heck. Is realism / research important for you in certain themes?:   YES / Depends / NO. Are you atm open for new plots?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. Do you handle your draft / ask - count well?:  YES / NO / SOMEWHAT. How long do you usually take to reply?:  24h / 1 week / 2 weeks / 3+ / months / years. I’m okay with interacting: original characters / a relative of my character (an oc) / duplicates / my fandom / crossovers / multi-muses / self-inserts / people with no AU verse for my fandom / canon-divergent portrayals / au-versions (as main or only verse). Do you post more ic or occ?:  IC / OOC. Are you selective with following others?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS.  

Best ways to approach you for rp/plotting:  IM  An IM will usually do the trick since I usually don’t go about giving my Discord in most cases. But yea, literally just send me an IM, preferably with an idea in mind. Alternatively if you’re particularly bold you can send an ask or a meme. 

What expectations do you hold towards your plotting partner:  .  I dunno how to really word this one in particular. I  usually don’t like overplotting, so be open to some flexibility. Frameworking is fine but I don’t wanna script stuff from the getgo. Also please work WITH me? If I’m the one throwing out ideas and all I’m getting is a simple ‘eh’ or ‘no’, or just in general if you’re not helping contribute. Like....I get being anxious but I need something to work with? Suggestions. Recommended alterations to my ideas? There’s nothing more absurd to deal with than someone who agrees to plot with you only to contribute nothing and just shoot stuff down. 

When you notice the plotting is rather one-sided, what do you do?:  I’ll try my best to work with it. Some people aren’t great with cranking out ideas, I get that. Heck sometimes I myself don’t feel like coming up with a lot of stuff. But at some point I’m gonna ask them to put in a little effort if we’re not getting anywhere. 

How do you usually plot with others, do you give input or leave most work towards your partner?: I at the VERY least give input. Ask questions, things like that. I’ll generally come up with a few off the top ideas to try and get things rolling. 

When a partner drops the thread, do you wish to know?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. - And why?:  I wouldn’t mind a poke, but I know stuff can be complicated. Wether you’re busy, losing muse, or you just don’t know how to progress a scene? I’ve certainly had plenty of threads, enjoyable or otherwise, where I say to myself ‘.....I think this is fine here’. Or ‘I don’t know where I’m supposed to go from here’. So I don’t mind if you kinda let it slip into the night. Though a heads up is always appreciated.  - What should your partner do when dropping a thread?:  Kinda outlined up above. But MOST of all, don’t be AFRAID to let me know. I’ll understand 

What could possibly lead you to drop a thread?:  . Business, fatigue, lack of enthusiasm, not knowing how to progress. Or characters that clearly do not want to interact with my muse icly. I know some people really like playing these sorts of individuals, but like yea...uphill battles of that kind can really take it out of me.  - Will you tell your partner?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS.

Is communication in the rpc important to you?   YES / NO. - And why?:  As much as I don’t really require it, because well, I know people have a lot of followers and such, I do feel like a rapport while not required is definitely very constructive to interaction. And honestly, communication tends to help smooth out drama a bit. Which honestly is one of the only big negatives to this kinda community.  - Are you okay with absolute honesty, even if it may means hearing something negative about you and/or portrayal?: Absolutely! I very much encourage people, off anon (though I understand if they prefer the metaphorical mask), to inform me of something they may not like about me or my muses. Even if it may hurt my feelings, I enjoy being able to address and explain things. Cuz it sure beats the hell out of people making assumptions.  - Do you think you can handle such situation in a mature way?  YES / NO.

Why do you rp again, is there a goal?:   Enjoyment. This is a hobby, and I think some people take this a bit too seriously. I’m here to have fun, explore my muses, and that of those I interact with. Get messy, make mistakes, and for pete’s sake chill. 

Wishlist, be it plots or scenarios:  Nothing comes to mind speeeecifically... Honestly for most of my muses, just having someone who WANTS to interact with them is golden. Though I admit to being a bit of a ship goblin from time to time. 

Themes I won’t ever rp / explore:  Nothing outright disgusting or gratuitous. Torture, psychological trauma, ect is fine. That’s how things roll, and I don’t mind them being part of a scene. What I don’t get into is something that’s there for the sake of it. Am I ok with my character being tortured for information? Absolutely. Will I indulge in a thread that’s just some kind of weird torture porn? No. Don’t let it get out of hand. I won’t judge you because cmon, it’s rp. But I reserve the right to decline being a part of it. 

What Type of Starters do you prefer / dislike, can’t work with?: Anything tbh. The only real awkward starters are like.....really specific shoehorning. Or like, an immediate conflict at my character’s detriment. I get having an unusual introduction. I’ve had people who start with shit like “WHAT ARE YOU DOING BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE?” Like cmon. Number one, even I don’t know why my character would break into your house, so they probably Didn’t. Please do not assume the worst and START things off on a bad foot. 

What type of characters catch your interest the most?:  Multifaceted. Not that I judge anyone for being more ...affixed on a particular aspect of their character. Some people are very keen on getting a certain type of rp. Some people just outright play a character who isn’t really shown to be anything other than one thing. But I enjoy exploration of a personality. And a personality, no mater how dull, stupid, or simple someone is, is NEVER monofaceted. I enjoy a muse that has something to dig for or explore emotionally. 

What type of characters catch your interest the least?:  Asocials. I’ve had some decent rp with them SOMEtimes? But like....there’s nothing more aggravating than trying to interact with a character who wants to be left alone and be isolated. Especially ones that are AGGRESSIVELY against it. Especially since I have to WORK to MAKE my character even want to interact with them. 

What are your strong aspects as rp partner?:  MY.......errr....en...thusiasm? I don’t actually know tbh. My malleability with my muses perhaps? Errr I like thinking about stuff. IF you ask me a question, I will do my best to answer it and explore the realm within that question. I dunno what you would exactly call that though... I am ...headcannony?

What are your weak aspects as rp partner?: I am flaky. Sometimes it’s cuz of real life getting hard. Sometimes it’s because I need a break from tumblr. Sometimes I just poof and forget about tumblr for like a while. But yea. I have a tendency to vanish, it’s something I’m working on but it’s something that happens. 

Do you rp smut?:  YES / NO. Do you prefer to go into detail?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. Are you okay with black curtain?:  YES / NO. - When do you rp smut? More out of fun or character development?:  It can go either way? Sometimes things develop that way because of specific characters. But I’m not gonna lie, sometimes its just for the heck of it. Sinday and all that.  - Anything you would not want to rp there?:  Interactions with Real life people as a muse. I respect people doing it. If people wanna rp as Miley Cyrus or whatever, more power to them. But leave me out of it, it just makes me uncomfortable. This also applies to a lesser degree with real life face claims? But I’ve learned to kinda make my peace with that one tbh. 

Are ships important to you?:   YES / NO. Would you say your blog is ship-focused?:   YES / NO / Sometimes? Do you use read more?:  YES / NO / SOMETIMES. Are you: Multi-Ship / Single-Ship / Dual-Ship  —  Multiverse / Singleverse. - What do you love to explore the most in your ships?:  The Nuts and bolts. Sure the honeymoon phase is alright. And bunny-rabbiting has it’s fun times. But what I love most about a ship is finding out how they work as a dynamic. What do they argue about? How do they absolve issues? How do their world views mesh?  - What is your smut tag?: nsfw

Are you okay with pre-established relationships?: YES / NO / Depends - And what kind of ones?: I like a good premise. Just a nice kickoff point, ya know? Soemthing to get past that first awkward phase if anything/ 

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- What could possibly make your Muse interesting towards others, why should they rp with this particular character of yours now, what possible plots do they offer?:  She’s a bitch. But a bitch for a reason? She’s an absolute piece of shit, but a complicated one. She will never EXPRESS appreciation or affection outside of just sexual indulgence. She won’t ever SHOW fluffy affection, or gratefulness to most people. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t FEEL it. With Loly you will get to see a gal struggle with her own inability to trust or love people, while also trusting and loving people. Also ngl she kinda hot? I guess some people consider that a plus?

- With what type of Muses do you usually struggle to rp with?:   I mentioned it before, but muses who aren’t interested in interacting.  - With what type of Muses do they usually work well with?:  Anyone willing to interact with her! Wether that’s to help her, harm her, or just witness the mental gymnastics this little centipede will go through to keep her mental restrictions intact. 

- What interests your Muse(s) in general:  Power, Indulgence, Being a rotten Bitch, maintaining the survival of Las Noches,  Hot people, Strong People, anything that can benefit her in some way.  - What do they desire, is their goal?:  She wants to be able to escape her fear of her own kind.  - What catches their interest first when meeting someone new?:  Wether or not they are a threat to her survival, if they have something to offer her.  - What do they value in a person?:    Lack of Aggression, Visual Appeal, Power.  - What themes do they like talking about?:  Herself or someone else she is interested in. Her Race. The state of the world.  - Which themes bore them?:  Criticism of her, Anything about Aizen. 

- Did they ever went through something traumatic?:  Aizen’s Betrayal, Grimmjow’s assault on her, Yammy’s attempt to kill her. The Quincy Invasion.  - What could possibly trigger them?:  Grimmjow, Yammy, the subject of Aizen.  - What could set them off, enrage them?:  People trying to kill/maim her arbitrarily.  - What could lead to an instant kill?:  Aggressively trying to kill her, making it clear you have no intention to let her live peacefully again. 

- Is there someone /-thing they hate?:  Aizen. Orihime. Hueco Mundo. Being a Hollow/Arrancar.  - Is there someone /-thing they love?:   Menoly, People that try to help her.  

Is your Muse easy to approach?: YES / NO / Kinda - Best ways to approach them?:  It’s a little complicated. But if you’re persistent enough and you genuinely want a positive interaction with her, she will bitch about it but she will eventually soften up. Especially if she feels no reason to fear you. She absolutely won’t trust you at first and it’ll be an uphill battle, but its doable. 

For Antagonists ehh.....just give her breathing room? Feel free to torment her but like....if you get real incessant about it, or outright try to kill her she will actively avoid you like the plague. And if you corner her she WILL try to kill you, and her venom means that no matter how strong you are, she MIGHT pull it off if you are careless.  - Where are they usually to find?:  Verse dependent, but tbh she could be found just about anywhere. She’s usually in  Las Noches, ut she sneaks off to all kinds of places for some peace and quiet, or just to try and enjoy her generally unpleasant existence. 

Something you may still want to point out about your muse?:  Patience WILL pay off eventually? And she’s not a bitch 24/7. Sometimes she’s too tired/bored to be her usual bitchy self. 

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥

Tagged by:  Stolen from @pacifv Tagging:  WOOF, this is a REALLY long one lol. So uhhh anyone who WANTS to do it? 

[tayegi]

I'm so excited for the character development in NR. Like, JK really thinks that what he needs to do is to mold himself into what the OC desires, when all she wants is his most authentic self without anything or anyone holding him back. I'm rereading this chapter since I was half asleep while reading the first time, but, good God, woman, your skills are impeccable.

Anonymous said:Lu I just read chapter 12 and cjskhxjsushsjsjs its amazing. I'm an emotional wreck right now. Especially at the last part? I don't really know what to feel, all emotions merged into one 🤧 thank you for your amazing writing as always! Have a great day 💜

Anonymous said:Nursing school has been getting me stressed out and I check tumblr... ch 12 of NR. Omg Lu. The last scene my heart wrenched. Thanks for pushing this out because it made my day!!

lolanian said:I sprained/strained my back recently and I’m supposed to limit movement so If I don’t have class I have to stay in my dorm and ice my back. But I love to read your fics while I ice! It makes it a lot less boring. I absolutely love your writing!

Anonymous said:This might have to be two parts tbh bc I have so much to say, so this will be part 1. I just binge re-read all of New rules and then the new ch and oml I am in love with this fic so much. This fic is so freaking funny but at the same time so emotional and I freaking cried reading the last ch. Everything ab this fic is amazing, it’s rlly well-developed and the characters have so much depth to them and I love how u bring up important topics like feminism in it too.

Anonymous said:Part 2. Just the detail u put into every lil thing makes me so happy like the colors, AHHH I love that the dress y/n was wearing was pink! I’m so conflicted bc on one hand in like y/n move on girl u dont need a mans but then I also want jk and y/n to love eachother and be together soo bad, I can’t wait for what will come next. I could go on 4ever ab this fic, but overall I just wanted to say this is prob my fav fic ever and ur so talented and ily.

Anonymous said:Hi so I just read your chapter and I have to say it is amazing and beyond great. I love the ending of the chapter and the way the main character delivered her speech to Jeon and her conversation with Hyejin /// it was all so good and the writing was truly inspired

Anonymous said:NEW RULES CHPT. 12!!!!????? BIIIIITTTTTTCCCCCHHHHH MY LEFT LUNG COLLAPSED OMFG

Anonymous said:I honestly love how multifaceted your characters in NR are. They are so imperfect. They reflect so well how complicated real life relationships are, either with friends and their significant others. This might be the first time where I cannot tell how a story is going to end. Thank you so much for writing such masterpiece.

Anonymous said:I just want to say thank you for writing this chapter of New Rules. The part where she stands up to Hoseok for herself and other women was so inspiring. I feel like she has gone through such a journey to get to a point where she has really developed as a person even if she will still have the Ice Bitch title guys have given her, and I hope she can learn how to accept herself more overtime. I love all of your writing, but New Rules really strikes a cord in me with each chapter you write.

Anonymous said:my girl u are a wizard with words & storytelling. chap 12 was so beautifully fitting. I truly adore & keep returning for the lessons of female empowerment, trust in friendships, toxic relationships & realistic representations self image intertwined in NR because it is so relevant & relatable. I especially loved the part when the important subject of misconstrued feminism was addressed with hoseok and he was called out on it. U have amazing talent my girl & thank u for sharing ur gift 💝🙆🏽‍♀️

Anonymous said:the newest chapter of new rules was easily my favorite. the way you intertwine feminist ideals in is awesome. we need more writers like you!! great work :)

Anonymous said:Hii! I love New Rules! Cant wait for more! 😁

Anonymous said:Honestly I think this new chapter is one of my favorites of the whole series. You did such an amazing job with it!!!

Anonymous said:bless your god given soul lu. your writing is like none other and wow i just ADORE new rules. the way you created the mc to be so real, so complex, and knows her own values, morals and wants, etc. and it's just mind-blowing!!! i'm honestly rendered speechless!!! i have so much to say about new rules and everything else but shit dude this is an AMAZING story and you should make profit on this for real. ugh your mind? galaxy brain. i wish you the best lu, you writing genius!!! 🍯💝✨🌙💌💫🍯💝✨

Anonymous said:New Rules oc gives me life, like i legit miss reading about her!! Its soooo fucking nice when I find fics where I care more about the oc than the idols!!! Shes too loveable!!!! I don't care who she ends up with as long she has a happy ending then I'm happy!! I know shes fictional but you do such a great job at writing her!!!!

Ok, it’s official: new rules readers are the GREATEST in the universe!!!!!!! i just can’t believe how supportive and loving and truly passionate about this series you guys are!!! not gonna lie, im pretty scared shitless about the rest of the fic bc i dont have it all planned out, but you guys give me the motivation to work hard on it!!! i love you all so much!!!

[themadcapmathematician]

Cross stitch

(From this ask: http://themadcapmathematician.tumblr.com/post/166211824448/reblog-and-tag-with-your-ocs-names)

Full Name: To the Stress Ball Squad they’re Cross-Stitch of Dead End, though that’s not their real name.

Gender and Sexuality: Cross doesn’t bother defining xyr gender or sexuality all that exacting. As a human, they’d probably just call themself Queer and Genderqueer. The closest I can describe it is that he’s genderfluid/multigendered and mspec.

Pronouns: rolling pronouns; they/she/he/xe.

Ethnicity/Species: in the tf verse theyre part Cybertronian, and part one or two other cybernetic species (junkion possibly being one of them). As a human (or as a holoform) xyr a whitepassing person of mixed race.

Birthplace and Birthdate: ???? They’re the oldest of the Stress Ball Squad and have served in at least one war before THE war. Again, a lot of Cross’ past is a mystery, even to people she cares for.

Guilty Pleasures: cheesy soaps and romance novels. Stron wasted a whole bunch of time trying to get a naysaying Cross to try As the Kitchen Sinks only to find out years into their friendship that he owns all 32 current available seasons on HD with bonus content imported directly from Junk (except season 27 but fuck season 27).

Phobias: cant stand the smell of molten metal. Gags the whole way through soldering and welding procedures. (Human equivalent is burning flesh I guess but the molten metal is still A Thing.)

What They Would Be Famous For: She’s pretty infamous for her work in Dead End. Shes got her fingers in a lot of illegal but profitable pies, lets just say. They don’t call them The Butcher of Dead End for nothing (though that’s at least half a jab about their fading surgical abilities).

What They Would Get Arrested For: honestly whatever the government can pin on him at this point, they just want him off the streets.

OC You Ship Them With: um, I dont have many tf ocs and xe’s pretty much incompatible with all of the ones I do have. @spookyscarystrawberry’s oc Gale and him have had a…thing at least once however. As far as my other ocs go crackshipping them with Chloe or ‘Blade has its appeal.

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Rote has a hankering from time to time, but he’ll have to get in line lmfao

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: loves pulpy romance, erotica, and mystery novels, esp gothic and queer ones (tho I guess all tf media in universe is queer lmfao). Harboiled detective novels too. Watches a lot of garbage telly, but only casually. Stron’s tried to get her into pretty much any form of other media, particularly offworld stuff, but it just doesnt hold Cross’ interest much. They do, however, think its fun to learn spoilers of tv shows they know Stron and Rote are watching and blackmail them with such knowledge.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: can’t fucking stand romcoms (specifically human romcoms) where one of them’s supposed to be charming and is really just a jackass. They get really heated about this, like they’re watching sports. “FUCKING DUMP! HIM!” gets shouted at the screen a lot. She also hates government propaganda, really fucking stupid inaccuracies about organics (most organic-produced media is really tough to get ahold of on pre-war Cybertron [not like on Junk, where its practically its own religion lmfao] so most Cybertronians just fucking…guess), sparkbonding being used as deus ex machina to fix plot holes and character development failings, medical inaccuracies…

Talents and/or Powers: contrary to popular belief, still almost a decent doctor, not an awful teacher. An extremely prolific black marketeer. Has a million underworld connections. May be a disabled elderly person but still has some combat prowess left. Good at gaming the system and getting what they want.

Why Someone Might Love Them: They’re cunning, clever, snarky, more caring and altruistic than they first appear, they’ve got an impeccable fashion sense. They all but adopted Stron and is the primary reason they’re alive and well right now. He’s also looked out for Gale and Rote, not that he’d advertise it. In her mind, the right connections trump principles, even principles of self-preservation. Xe wont let anyone control xem or the people xe cares about though.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: I mean…they’re a career criminal who primarily deals in body parts and theyre a jackass on top of that…so…

How They Change: well clearly letting Stron into thier life has done them some good, softened them a bit. Rote forced her to confront herself and her actions, that was important too. And Gale and Cross have had a complicated relationship that was painful for them both but helped them both heal.

I don’t think Cross was ever going to be a good person per se, and I also don’t think xe was ever uncaring and entirely selfish either. Maybe xyr priorities shifted around a bit, some of xyr failings grew too big to be ignored. Like I sorta mentioned, healings a big deal for pm the whole gang’s character arcs and storylines, alongside forgiveness and atonement.

Why You Love Them: They’re my favorite angry fallen glam goth bird. Im not always sure if I’m writing the right kinds of characters but Cross reminds me that I can at least have fun with flawed and multifaceted characters. I also like designing their mods and clothes and shit and I love thier relationships to the rest of The Stress Ball Squad.

[otto-von-stirlitz]

the adventures of huckleberry finn, the hobbit, the lightning thief, the perks of being a wallflower?

Thanks a lot! 

the adventures of huckleberry finn: do you think kids or their parents are responsible for their beliefs?

I can’t say yes, mostly because when you are a kid, you have some beliefs, but they usually are parents’ beliefs (or other important figures’, like teachers). And people overall have ability to change, especially kids/young teens, because they will grow up and totally change few times in the next few years? Like we shouldn’t totally condemn early teens for having Problematic (TM) beliefs, because it’s probably what they were told by their parents or teachers? As responsible adults we should rather explain stuff to them, becuase it may be their only chance to get different perspective than the one from your home/school. Like I went to a catholic school for nine years and being in 5th-6th grade it was scary for me when I’d discover that someone I knew got divorced or was an atheist, bc it’d mean I wouldn’t meet them in heaven, you know? And now I may wonder if I have any friends that could theoretically get into heaven based on strict catholic rules and im amazed that there may be as much as two people? I didnt expect that much. Anyways, as you can see I changed a lot, and I’m glad i discovered tumblr later when i had some beliefs on my own, bc there are many people who are quick to judge and condemn here and its not what i’d wish to any kid.the hobbit: do you think the average person has the potential to be a hero?

I have to answer yes, there’s no other way. I mean, it’s one of the most essential human things, the story and an archetype of an unlikely hero is found in virtually every culture, and since it’s stories that build a large part of ‘humanity’, I like to think that this exact belief (and few other things) is an important foundation of the civilisation. I guess Sir Terry would say something along these lines, or I hope at least (yeah, I  just finished The Amaing Maurice and his Educated Rodents and this has influenced the way I looked at this question. Stories are important, since we’re just storytelling apes, right?)the lightning thief: what would you be the god/goddess of?

Ah, the very favourite question of our small wicdiv fandom. And the one I’ve always had trouble with, because (in polytheistic religions) a god is always about one or few things, and as a human (thus a complicated and multifaceted being) I feel like I’m too complex to be reduced in this way? And it’s not being vain, it’s just the way i think about humans overall. But if I had to choose, it’d be probably some Athena/Minerva style goddess of wisdom. Just because.the perks of being a wallflower: does listening to other people’s problems help you or weigh you down?

Few months ago, I wouldn’t even stand listenting to evening news without snapping out bc of my anger at general absurdity and evil and hopelessness and stuff (now I just get angry inside). But when it comes to friends, it’s like my problems don’t mind at all and it’s their sorrows that count? Like when they have problems, I have to focus on comforting them and finding solutions of their problems, not mine (ok, my problems may come up if I use them as an example of a solution or sth).

[viralhottopics]

RIP Wii U: Nintendo’s glorious, quirky failure

Nintendo has ceased production of Wii U less than five years after its launch. What went wrong, and what will be its legacy?

In late January it was announced that Nintendo had ceased production of the Wii U console. The follow-up machine to the hugely successful Wii had sold fewer than 15m units worldwide since its launch in 2012. PlayStation 4 sold more in a year. Wii sold more than 100m in its lifetime.

What happened? How did Nintendo, one of the oldest and most respected companies in the video game industry, get it so wrong? And did anything good come out of the Wii U era? How will the machine be remembered, if at all?

Certainly, some believe the console was cursed from the start right from the first announcement at the 2011 E3 video game conference in Los Angeles. Before that, Nintendo had made vague references to Project Cafe, a new piece of hardware deep in development at the companys famed R&D labs, but the nature of the device was unclear. The E3 presentation was supposed to be the big reveal.

Then, there it was at the Nintendo press conference, in front of the whole games industry. Wii U. Reggie-Fils-Aim, head of Nintendo America, gave an obtuse introduction and showed the unique GamePad controller, with its built-in display. After this, came a showreel of gaming moments, then nothing. The crowd whooped, but when the lights went down, a few expressed confusion: was the Wii U GamePad an extension to the original Wii? Was it an entirely new console? That evening, in an interview with the Evening Standard, the late Nintendo president Satoru Iwata stated: Because we put so much emphasis on the controller, there appeared to be some misunderstanding.

The PS4 and Xbox One, high-powered machines arrived and changed the gaming landscape. Composite: Xbox One S v PS 4 Pro v PS4 Slim v Project Scorpio

A masterpiece of understatement. In some ways, that misunderstanding never went away. Even when it became clear that Wii U was a whole new console, with a unique motion-sensitive screen pad, consumers were nonplussed. There had been rumours that, with its custom AMD 7 series graphics chipset and IBM multicore central processor, the machine would be more powerful than the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 especially as it was arriving years after those machines debuted. But before the launch, developers were already whispering to news sources that this was not the case driving the second-screen would eat up the graphics processing power and the CPU wasnt that special. It was all academic anyway: barely a year later, PlayStation 4 and Xbox One arrived to completely change the technological landscape.

But Nintendo wasnt competing with PlayStation and Xbox, and never really had. Instead, it needed to convert the tens of millions of Wii owners whod rarely bought consoles before; whod been seduced by the Wii Remote controller and the immediate, social experience it promised. Those people were now quietly migrating to other platforms: smartphones, tablets, set-top boxes … Thats who the Wii U was aimed at.

In the months following E3, it was at least picking up interest from the development community. I had done work on the N64, Gameboy, GameCube and Wii and I still maintain they were my favourite systems to work on, so when the WiiU was announced it had me excited, says Byron Atkinson-Jones of Xiotex Studios I wanted to see how far we could go in game design terms with the two screen setup. Were we going to get new game paradigms like we did with the Wii and its controllers?

However, even before the launch, the games media was complaining about a lack of compelling first-party content. The machine would arrive with only two major Nintendo titles, the mini-game collection Nintendo Land, and New Super Mario Bros U, a decent side-scrolling platformer, but by no means a major Mario title with with little involvement from Miyamoto. There were intriguing moments: Nintendo Land has the clever asymmetrical multiplayer action of Luigis Ghost Mansion and the boisterous arena-battler Animal Crossing: Sweet Day. But there was also nothing as immediately compelling as Wii Sports or Wii Play nothing that completely crystallised the idea of the GamePad.

Veteran developer Rhodri Broadbent once worked for Q-Games in Japan, and met Shigeru Miyamoto while making Star Fox Command. He felt there should still have been a role for the Wii Remote in the new era. The fact that Wii U did not come bundled with a Wii Remote was really disappointing to me, he says. I felt that the identity of the Wii Remote was worth continuing, and that combining the jump to HD visuals with the jump to HD motion control of the Wii Remote Plus would have been a smart play. In terms of marketing, the Wii Remote was iconic from the get-go, whereas the GamePad sadly didnt really get to find its identity in either software, nor marketing. There were some truly excellent, best-in-class games released for Wii U, but very few of them gave life or character to the GamePad.

The GamePad, as a unique selling point, was also a unique curse, an albatross around the neck of the whole project. Designers struggled over its multifaceted nature: should they support it as a standalone screen, a second-screen for the TV, or as a device to allow asymmetrical multiplayer experiences (the player with the GamePad is able to have a different experiences to others using Wii Remotes). It was a tough business proposition too. Games publishers like to be able to transition their projects freely between different machines most modern game engines are platform agnostic making this process easier. But Wii Us controller demanded a different approach, so including the console on multiplatform projects was complicated and expensive even if they were just going to use the GamePad as a mini-map, which many did.

Of the third-party games available at launch, most were quick conversions of familiar PlayStation and Xbox titles: Call of Duty, Batman, Fifa… few of these exploited the GamePad feature-set in truly innovative ways. The best was perhaps ZombiU, a fascinating survival horror title with a neat permadeath mechanic, set in a post-apocalyptic London that made inspired use of the GamePad as both an environment scanner and a cellphone. With its tense, gory action, it also brilliantly subverted expectations of a Nintendo launch title. But it wasnt enough.

The problem is, mainstream game development is all about confidence. Console manufacturers have to be certain that third-party publishers will support the device; third-party publishers have to be sure that consumers will buy it, and draw confidence from first-party titles; and consumers wont commit until they know there will be great titles from both first- and third-party studios. Its a vicious circle of reliance, and it often all depends on that launch week. Nintendo just didnt come up with the goods to inspire consumers, and because of this, the likes of Activision, Electronic Arts and Ubisoft were all backing off right from the outset.

Meanwhile, Nintendo was trying to make things easier for independent developers, noticing the huge influx of excellent indie titles on the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3. After the success of the 3DS eShop in attracting experimental games, the company set out to improve its digital store for the home console experience. However, its legacy was not good. On the Wii, support for smaller studios was patchy: the submissions process was, according to some studios, extremely lengthy, and there were sales thresholds that made it risky to commit to offbeat projects. Even after these problems had been addressed, Wii U had no support for the important multi-platform games engine Unity until much later in the consoles lifespan, strangling its potential with the indie community.

[The Wii U dev kit] was clunky and far more difficult to setup than its predecessors, says Atkinson-Jones. I remember opening the box it came in and there was a warning saying it was very easy to brick the machine so getting it setup was a terrifying prospect. Id love to say I got further than this but the reality is that even though Nintendo had signed So Hungry to appear on WiiU, Unity would not actually be ready for another year its because of this my other game Blast Em! came about and thankfully that game has kept my studio running. Once you got past all the problems of setup and getting a working build of Unity, it was just that much harder than doing any kind of cross platform work – the big difference being the two displays of course.

Nintendos Wii and revolutionary remote. Photograph: Andrew Parsons/PA

So the Wii U had a lot to contend with: a poorly conceived debut, a unique selling point that was difficult to describe, and a hesitant development community unwilling to commit resources to a quirky machine. But it did provide moments of genuine brilliance. The defining first-party titles Super Mario 3D World, Mario Kart 8, Super Smash Bros, Splatoon and Pikmin 3 may not have been top tier Nintendo originals (theres no Miyamoto Mario, no new Zelda), but they were excellent games, filled with interesting ideas and classic moments of design genius.

Pikmin 3 is one of the greatest games I have ever played on any system, says Broadbent. Its mission mode is so tightly balanced, with so many tricks and techniques to optimise battles, find new routes and shave seconds off your time that I can and often did replay the same mission for entire days without noticing that the my weekend had disappeared. Im a big fan of the oft-overlooked, but to my mind never bettered, New Super Mario Bros U, especially the challenge modes. And keeping with Mario, Super Mario Makers musical, whimsical user interface is a masterclass in hiding complexity and infusing character into menus the way the sound effects harmonise with the background music as you place objects on the screen is endlessly charming to me.

There were beautiful third-party games too, sparsely spread out though the machines lifespan perhaps, but certainly there. Cult Japanese studio PlatinumGames, best known for its demanding brawlers, was an unexpected hero producing two masterpieces for the machine: the extravagant Bayonetta 2, and the kookie super hero puzzler, Wonderful 101. Warner Bros brought us the excellent Armored edition of Batman Arkham City, but also the ludicrously overlooked Lego City Undercover, a hilarious Grand Theft Auto pastiche, which is now rightfully being remade for current consoles.

More importantly however, there were indie developers who truly embraced the idiosyncracies of the system and its development environment. We enjoy letting the quirks of specific hardware inspire new ideas and features here, so from a design point of view, Wii U was a lot of fun, says Broadbent. Gyros, a camera, a touch screen there was a lot there to use. For Scram Kitty, I had the idea of making the titular cat appear as a sort of sports commentator on the TV while the player focused on the GamePad action, and although in the end that element didnt turn out to be an essential feature of the game, it was a great source of personality for the game, and one which kept throwing up new ideas throughout development.

Highlights included DrinkBox Studios crazed platformer Guacamelee!: Super Turbo Championship Edition, the lovely retro platformer Shantae and the Pirates Curse, and the intriguing puzzler Art of Balance. Most were multiplatform, but lots used the Wii U capabilities in interesting ways. A key example was the engrossing Affordable Space Adventures from Danish developer KnapNok Games. In this interstellar puzzle game, the GamePad was used to monitor and interact with your crafts primary systems, including engines, anti-gravity controls and scanner, providing a great Star Trek bridge experience.

There were also thoughtful conversions of iOS titles, including Dakko Dakkos translation of the spooky narrative adventure Year Walk. We took a much more all-in approach to the machines feature set, combining the gyros, touch screen, separate displays, and even subtly altering the audio between the gamepad and the TV, to create very satisfying controls and puzzles, says Broadbent. The end result feels uniquely suited to Wii U.

Its also worth remembering Nintendos unique attempts to create friendly online communities around the Wii U. The Miiverse is a family-friendly social network in which players can chat about what theyre playing, draw and share pictures, and seek gaming advice, all within a safe, charming environment populated with customised Mii characters. It was a much more warm, human approach to networked play than Xbox Live or PlayStation Network and, as Jennifer Schneidereit, co-creator of luscious historical adventure Tengami discovered, it allowed unique relationships between developers and players:

It was possible to post to Tengamis Miiverse from within the game, to show level progress or ask other players for help, she says. As a developer I was able to interact with people in Tengamis Miiverse and help with puzzles, answer their questions and listen to their feedback. Because Miiverse posts are not only textual, players can also hand draw and incorporate stamps, it was a real delight to watch players using our stamps to create artwork of their own.

Wii U had a difficult start, with a difficult idea in a difficult era. The E3 presentation blurred what the machine actually was, and the GamePad was never an easy proposition to market unlike the Wii Remote that people could see was fun, just from the adverts. Meanwhile, with Xbox and PlayStation continuing their graphics arms race, and competition coming in from smartphones and tablets, the gaming audience seemed to be stratifying into two groups: the sorts of players who bought consoles and high-end PCs, and the sorts whod quite as happily play Candy Crush Saga for free on their phones. The idea of a console as the central focus of a party or family event, which had peaked between 2005 and 2010 with both the Wii and the rise of music games like Guitar Hero, had drifted out of favour.

Nintendos Shigeru Miyamoto. Photograph: Evan Agostini/Invision/AP

Now here comes the Nintendo Switch, a regeneration of the Wii U concept where the GamePad effectively becomes the console, with its own built-in controllers. If anything, it is a more flagrant attempt to seduce casual players away from their phones, while tapping into the family living-room appeal of the original Wii. Broadbent sees Switch as a reconnection with that machine: Im very happy that the joy-cons have so many little tricks in them, and encouraged to see games like ARMS push forward higher-fidelity motion controls right out the gate. But Im mostly happy that Switchs identity as a home console thats not tied to your TV is being communicated so clearly.

Communication, it seems, is key. The Wii did its own communicating: you just watched people playing Tennis or Bowling and you knew it was fun. Nothing Nintendo has done with its hardware since then has been quite so alluring. But to write off Wii U as a creative failure would be a gross disservice. The GamePad actualised a lot of vague entertainment industry hype about the second screen, and lots of games truly illustrated the magic of the concept. And lets not forget that Wii U also saw Nintendos entry into the toys to life market with its Amiibo characters little figurines that could be placed on the screen to interact with games. They sold over 40m of those.

In years to come, people will pick up the console second-hand, with a few games Super Mario 3D World, Bayonetta 2, Mario Kart 8 and theyll realise what it was that Nintendo had in mind, theyll understand the appeal of the hardware. Much too late, of course.

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from RIP Wii U: Nintendo’s glorious, quirky failure