#im making shit up by the way theres no basis in reality for anything im saying. also its 4am

[asbestieos]

am i crazy or what

[fairycosmos]

Will u please give a poor soul a wee bit of advice as you’re a goddess of wisdom. I’m going into my last year of high school in a month & I feel so overwhelmed with the stress of the final exams and the application process for college. I’m mentally ill & while I used to be a good student, I have fallen down a slippery slope & I don’t know if I can deal with the pressure. Should I take a gap year before I go to college? I think it may lift some weight off, but it may also do more harm than good.

hey babeyyyy :(( i'm really sorry to hear that!! school is so fucking stressful and it's natural to worry about your final year, it just means you care about doing well. that's to be expected. but if you have preexisting mental health issues, your brain may force you to compulsively wonder about worst case scenarios and uncontrollable factors, as a way to induce self hatred or anxiety. it's a tactic, a side effect. but a lot of these thoughts do not reflect your reality or what the future will actually be like. there's no way of knowing, and you still have a whole year to adapt and to learn. the most likely outcome is that you will find a middle ground eventually. so breathe. i know it feels unimaginably awful at the moment, but identifying the difference between fact and fear will allow you to stay grounded in the present. it's ok if it takes a while to get to that point, or if your emotions overwhelm you at times. you've gotten through it before and you will again. sometimes all you can do is cry and lose it and let the 'episode' run its course. but as long as you're even just attempting to cope in a healthy way, through talking to someone you trust or distracting yourself, then you're doing great. better than you realize. another important thing to keep in mind is that your mental health is always more important than your education. just because it's your last year, doesn't mean you have to drop everything, no matter what the adults tell you. your academic career doesn't have to be linear, doesn't have to look like everyone else's. if you have to take a mental health day, or ask your teachers for additional support, you are TOTALLY entitled to that. in fact i encourage it. 'that' part of your brain may try to twist the narrative, may try to place blame or guilt, but your mental illness is not a reflection of your capability or your worth. and neither are your grades. don't ascribe morality or personhood to a letter on a page. the actual experience of leaving high school will probably teach you more than your lessons, in a good and bad way. anyway it's cool if you don't quite believe me right now, but i just hope that concept sticks in your head. ultimately though, all you have to do is take it a day at a time. create a simple short term plan and stick to it as best you can, repeatedly. with regular breaks of course. and make sure at least one of your teachers knows the gist of what's going on so you can keep an honest dialogue with them. it's a matter of finding what works for you, and adjusting accordingly. prioritising your mental well being should always be your goal, because everything starts with you. if you're not practicing self compassion, everything else feels a hundred times more daunting.

anywhere as far as the gap year goes, i think it's a good idea if it makes the upcoming year feel less scary. it's your life and your desicion. and theres literally no wrong answer. and you have a while to mull on it, you don't have to know for sure right now. if you need some time to truly focus on yourself then there's no harm in that. in fact i kind of think it's a sign of maturity when you know what you need and how to give it to yourself. if you can recognize that you're slipping, then that's actually a good sign. because you understand that you need help. you're not buying into any illusions. as a side note - of course, school brings structure which alleviates the impact of many mental health issues. when i briefly left college, i had no excuse to leave the house, and everything festered and i became even more isolated. though i did need that break to figure some shit out. as with everything, there's positives and negatives. so just be sure to keep up with smaller goals if you take time off, that's all. use the break to look into getting professional help if you haven't already. and try to practice self soothing exercises on a weekly or daily basis, even if you feel dumb. gap years are great tools if utilized correctly and fuck anyone who has anything to say about it. college will always be there, and even if you don't go at all for any reason - it wouldn't be the end of the world. there must be a lot of pressure rn for you but so much of it is just,,, bullshit. hindsight will allow you to see that. just gotta let yourself get to that point by living the natural solutions to your worries, and getting by a day at a time. when that feels like too much, an hour at a time. you're obviously still young as hell and your future is so much wider than your brain is allowing you to see. i promise! above all though, keep in mind that there are people to talk to and countless resources out there whenever you're struggling - whether it's at school, or in your community or your family, or through your doctor - there is always someone to turn to and always a way forward. the biggest trick of mental illness is that it convinces you otherwise, but it's a notorious liar. so. try not to self isolate even when the urge is there, and done be afraid to talk about what's going on in your head. let it be embarrassing. block everything else out and look at what will make you feel happier with your own existence from an objective perspective. cause that's all that matters really. anyway i'm wishing you so much luck with your final year and whatever happens, i hope you make some decent memories :) be sure to cut yourself some slack when possible. remember, the desicion is yours, no matter what. sending a lot of love to you!! let me know if you need a friend or want to walk more about it. (also goddess of wisdom sfhjhsdhh im a whole dumbass but. thank you lil peach 💞)

[kattimariias]

ok uhhhh idk how to address this but i hate keeping this shit bottled up, so here

as prominent my crushes on male fictional characters are........it doesnt really represent my real life attraction at all. i dont really care about guys much outside of fictional fantasies where i can just fuck around. a guy looks good? thats cool and nice, but im not at all interested in a relationship with one. it doesnt feel all that promising  this discomfort might also be because of a pedophile who interacted with me once, and randomly being sent a nude by a guy on discord, but the lack of interest was already there beforehand

sometimes i do try to convince myself thats not the case and force crushes on guys i do know, but that ultimately left me just wanting to be close friends with them. being in a committed relationship with them just doesnt feel right at all

ive never even actually fallen in love with a guy. people tell me thats bc ive rarely interacted with them, but i was back in school. and again, i just wanted to be friends. i fucking hated it when people implied i liked a boy and i did have a lowkey interest in girls; thinking about kissing them and doing weird ass shit i did back then with them

im more in tune with fiction than reality most of the time, which is why ive based my sexuality on that so heavily. but i know fiction’s intention, most of the time, is having likable characters to some degree. and ive fallen for these characters, making me think i did like boys, girls, and enbies

but i never truly have in a way that wasnt just forcing myself, or confusing my feelings bc thats what i do on a consistent basis. it’s hard, very hard for me to part with those fictional crushes though, since ive practically based a large part of myself with that, and my brain constantly tries to convince me i dont like girls and that i need boys, which isnt true

in some way, i think ive felt some kind of connection to the word lesbian and lesbian culture in general. knowing that word for the first time, i think it felt right, but i never thought of those feelings much bc I Would Date A Furry That Does And Cannot Exist That Means I Like Boys

there was something about the butch/femme labels, the flag(s), and some experiences like comphet and lack of male attraction that has resonated with me for awhile now, i just pushed those aside. ive questioned being a lesbian multiple times, but kept pushing back bc i kept reminding myself i technically have male fictional crushes, i’d just be invasive despite knowing its ok, its a common experience. ive just been so afraid of being attacked and rejected by everyone

and now i think about it, i dont have to enforce these crushes. these characters give me a great amount of comfort and love; love that isnt just restricted to romance, just good feelings in general, and that if a label feels comfortable for me, then it does. characters that dont exist cant change who i truly love; girls. 

i love their faces, bodies, how fun and free it is to be with them, their voices, laughter...just everything. and i dont think anything compares to how i feel about them, regardless of what my mind tries to tell me

i might still be afraid to outright call myself a lesbian, i’ll probably cop out of this again like always. but i dont think theres anything else that truly feels like it fits me at this point. i might just be bi with a heavy pref, who knows, but i feel like bi just doesnt fit me knowing i’ll be more likely to attract more than girls

and all i want is just girls, fem aligned enbies, or just about anyone who is a wlw/nblw

i give my greatest thanks to those who i thought i were in love with however, you helped me through this journey of self discovery <3

so, hiya fellow lesbians, i guess?

[personagf-moved]

alphabet & soft questions ✨

I was tagged by my bb’s @prksjmiin (alphabet ask) and @joonieblossoms (soft ask) and i didn’t want to make two separate posts so im gonna apologize in advance bc i decided to stick both posts together :’) dkdkkdkd yall aint gotta read everything but if u do ily and im sorry i write novels on novels dlfksdkf

i’ll tag @koyasdad, @1ovegf, @joonlit, @sleepyyyoongs, @constellationstars and @capgi 💘

honestly feel free to do either one or both or none if u want dkkdkdkd i just wanted to tag u guys bc ily

Alphabet ask:

a // age: 21

b // birthplace: new jersey!

c // current time: 1:17 am

d // drink you had last: coffee

e // easiest person to talk to: my brother when he isnt being an absolute fool

f // favorite songs: 

aint it fun - paramore

trivia love 

honey - kehlani

abbey - mitski

moonlight - ariana grande

g // grossest memory: i was in the city one time and a bird shit on my forehead. i think about it at least twice a week 

h // horror yes or horror no:  H O R R O R   Y E S   B A B E E E Y Y Y Y Y Y Y im the absolute worst person i’ll dead ass watch a scary movie/video or read horror stories by myself just bc. 

i // in love: with my whole ass soulmate namjoon. i luv u string bean man

j // jealous of people: im not even gonna try to lie i am a very jealous person and i am so sorry about it but i really cant help it lmfao. blame my scorpio venus i guess

k // kids of your own someday: when i say i have been thinking about this everyday.........! i wanna have it all i want the kids the white picket fence the dream house everything. i cant wait to be a mommy one day and love n support my bb’s :’)

l // love at first sight or should i walk by again: we a whole ass fool on main and believe in love at first sight!!!! i really do believe soulmates are a true thing and if a love is destined to be across an infinite span of lifetimes and universes then it will always find its way back. when you know, you know, and i genuinely believe that. 

m // middle name: padilla

n // number of siblings: 1 older brother, 1 half brother (older), and 1 half sister (older)

o // one wish: to find true love

p // person you last called: my manager bc i had a work question lol

q // question you’re always asked: “why are you like this” (usually friends @ me when i wild out...which is like everyday), “are you mad?”, “how old are you REALLY?”, “how’s your brother?” (bc he ghosts all family n i have to speak on his behalf like always fsdfjksdf)

r // random fact about you: i once used a horrible bootleg copy of the force awakens to make a star wars crack video dubbing the part in shrek when he first meets donkey over the scene when rey first met bb-8 and it went viral and has like 200,000 notes and even had articles written about it. also i had a weird fascination with jar jar binks and danny devito when i was in high school and i had a habit of making either one of them my icon on school accounts so i could make people laugh when they emailed me or saw me in a word document skfkkkfkf

s // song you last sang: “abbey” by mitski :’(

t // time you woke up: exactly 10 this morning and it was weird bc i picked up my phone and it had JUST turned 10 when i looked i was so shook lol 

u // underwear colour: she be black 

v // vacation destination: paris bc im a basic bitch :’) also japan/all asian countries. i wanna connect with my roots more :/

w // worst habit: yeeting the fuck outta people’s lives when i think they’re getting too close/when i get overwhelmed. im sorry im a flighty bitch @ anyone i’ve ever ghosted :( i love anyone who’s ever tried to talk to me and its never ur fault, i just get the urge to escape sometimes and i’m trying to fix it 

x // x-rays: omg @ tori dead ass me too tho, i had x-rays when i broke my arm when i was around 6 :o

y // your favorite food: my mom’s spaghetti! and sushi. also i love any and all filipino food but specifically i like nilaga and kare-kare oooo baby

z // zodiac sign: we’re a proud libra sun 

Soft ask:

What’s the smell of your shampoo?

we got them fruity scents up in here we keep that shit smellin like a goddamn strawberry field take a fuckin whiff babes

What’s your aesthetic?

the moon and stars, soft pink and purple sunsets with a burning red on the horizon, sunrises as well, paintings and generally all art revolving around flowers and the celestial, pretty pastel pink and yellow, the sound and smell of rain falling against the window while being curled up in bed uwu 

What’s your favorite time of the day and why?

lately it’s been night time. i generally get more creative and feel more at home during the night. i miss being a morning person tho. 

What do you most like about the beach?

not a lot fklsjdjfkslkdflksdlkf i usually only go to get a tan and walk the boardwalk with my friends, but if i had it my way i would never step foot in the ocean for the rest of my life sdjdjdjdjsj we dont trust her!!!!!!!!!

What do you worry about constantly?

when i’m gonna figure out what i wanna do with my life lol. i took a year off to think about it but all i ended up doing was working myself to exhaustion and getting comfy in a work only mindset and now i’m only even more confused about what i want to pursue. i’m just glad im going to chicago next week because i feel like a change of setting for even just a week could give me a much needed reset on my mindset going into the next year. i worry about the future but the problem is i worry about the present too lol. oh well, we’ll figure it out!

What is a song you’ve cried to before?

oh boy...

trivia love

moonchild

first love

she used to be mine - waitress soundtrack

20 something - sza

26 - paramore

the letter - kehlani

landslide - fleetwood mac

when you see my friends - mayday parade

and many........many many more...... skskskks music is my main emotional outlet so naturally im gonna cry over anything that reflects my heart

What are some relaxing tips for your followers?

as The World’s Number One Most Stressed Out Human Being™️ i am definitely in no way fit to give advice on how to relax LMFAO 

but i guess something that always works for me is putting on music i KNOW will make me sing a long or make me happy to distract me from the nerves i’m feeling. also putting on my favorite comfort movies to make me feel better (they’re big fish, scott pilgrim vs the world, and spirited away btw lol)

 What are some things that make you tear up?

the ending of coco, seeing my mom cry, or anyone i love cry tbh, when children are neglected/abused, thinking about the world i’ll have to bring my future children into and how i’m going to be able to teach them to stay strong and bright in the face of it, lyrics that hit too close to home, absolutely anything tbh i cry easy

What is your favorite from each sense?

sight - the view of my cherry blossom tree against a pink sunset in the spring of my childhood home, a person’s eyes and how they light up when they smile, especially when they crinkle as they laugh

smell - the earth after rain, a forest in autumn

taste - my mom’s cooking, good coffee on an early morning

sound - beautiful melodies and harmonies to accompany them, a baby cooing, birds chirping at sunrise

touch - my pillow when its nice and cool, a cat’s tummy, a baby’s cheeks, fingers running through my hair

What is an alternative reality you’d like to live in?

one where im married to namjoon n we have a lot of smart musical prodigy babies who have his dopey smile and i live comfortably in our big ass home in korea where i raise our babies n get that good pipe down every night like i should

jk i wanna live in a reality where magic is real and i can cast spells and live my best life as the true witch that i am

What are some troubles you face on a daily basis?

for starters im ugly as shit so theres one

if we mean practically then i have really bad knees and i recently busted them again so its been really hard getting up and down stairs lately and bending over 

but idk theres not really much. emotionally i just tend to get withdrawn and timid in public so it can be hard for me to speak up when i go out

What is one scene from a book that makes you really sad?

unfortunately i haven’t read as many books lately as i did when i was younger...so a lot of my memories are from books that i read like as a kid lol......THAT BEING SAID i think rue and finnick’s death in the hunger games was truly heartbreaking to read, the spine of my copies of both books have cracks on those pages bc i had to read it several times just to really believe it. also i thought it was written so heart wrenchingly well that i had to go back.  also in looking for alaska when pudge, a man who loved to know people’s last words, realized that he would never know alaska’s last words. im also really thankful for that book bc it introduced me to wh auden’s poetry and to this day he’s still one of my favorite poets of all time.  

Say something to your followers:

thank you thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU for following me and for some reason deciding to stay after how many times i act up on the daily. all jokes aside i really appreciate every single one of you no matter the number and i sincerely hope that you always have love and joy in your heart and that 2019 treats you well. i HONESTLY mean it when i say that i am always here if you guys want to talk or send me things or roast me or talk shit seriously i wanna hear it all and talk about it all i think all of you are so interesting and so beautiful and i’d love to get to know more about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS! yeet!

[my-lunaberg]

Okay, Im pretty sure Ive reached the point at which I originally stopped watching so. yay

To celebrate this occasion I thought I should talk a little about some of the complaints Ive seen about the finale in my for you tab because yeah, I just cant resist looking at it so Ive been spoiled pretty severely and also been dealt a good amount of psychic damage. But hey, its about the journey, not the destination and Im already in Advanced Therapy for my mental illnesses anyway

The two most complaints Ive seen are, it wasnt cathartic and it sends a terrible message. Now, I cant comment on the catharsis bc I havent watched it yet and also Im not even sure if that would be a deal breaker for me. Like, anti-climaxes can be very powerful, Schlatts death is one of my favorite moments in the entire dsmp düfor that exact reason. But that all depends on the execution so I'll save my more detailed thoughts for after Ive actually watched it

The complaint that I wanted to talk about in more detail now is the one about it 'sending a terrible message'

I spend a lot of time watching and analyzing kids shows specifically on the basis of "is this a good show for kids?" Like, kids will watch anything you put in front of them bc they dont know any better so I think its important to put something in front of them that encourages creativity, critical thinking and sends messages of compassion good and other things I cant think of off the top of my head. When analyzing kids shows like this its very important to keep that target demographic in mind because what kids like and need is often different from what teens and adults would consider well-written and thats fine. Theres plenty of kids media that can be enjoyed by teens and adults as well, but its perfectly fine for kids media to only cater to kids and even be actively boring for older demographics.

Keeping the fact that kids media should be analyzed differently than more mature media because its written differently, I dont think it controversial of me to say that, unlike kids media, media for teens and adults doesnt need to teach anything. The way I see it, kids media has messages while adult media has themes. Obviously theres a bit more nuance to this, but Im not trying to write an essay here, Im trying to complain about fandom shit

And I know this might be a hard pill to swallow for some people bc this is the internet where 7 year olds and 17 year olds are basically the same because theyre both "minors" with absolutely no nuance, but teenagers arent children and theyre not so impressionable that seeing a character in a minecraft roleplay be sympathetic towards their abuser is gonna suddenly make them forgive their own abusers if they didnt want to do that before or make them blind or to IRL abuser or whatever man, I dont even really know what exactly the concern is. Like, idk how to tell you this but the line between fiction and reality is not that thin and if the media someone consumes affects them that much theyre either very young or there are some underlining issues that storytellers are not obligated to account for.

Not to mention that dsmp is a story told from a bunch of different perspectives by a bunch of unreliable narrators who are all varying levels of shitty. Like, in kids shows the protagonists and the non-anatgonist supporting characters are role models and vehicles to teach messages, that doesnt fucking apply here, theyve literally made jokes about everyone being an unreliable narrator i dont know why anyone would think this is the kind of series where theyre actively trying to impart some kind of lesson, its literally Fucked Up Shit Happens feat, Fucked Up People: The Minecraft Roleplay

To end this weird long rant, Id like to say that I do understand why people would be upset with the ending (from the details I was able to gleam anyway) and as much as I think complaining about the 'bad message' is invalid and frankly kindof weird, being upset is still totally fine and valid.

Also, if you'd like to discuss this with me I'd appreciate it if you didnt spoil me any further. Like yeah, I already know the broad strokes but I'd still like to have a semi-'organic' experience watching this yknow

Anyway, have a nice day

[gayspock]

actually lets talk abt th 

bc like okay heres the thing when it comes to stanning, like, villains & shit.... frankly even removed from buffy- thats a thing tht pops up a lot in general.... & tbh there is no generalised thing for it, it is v much a thing 2 be taken on a case by case basis. its too complex for that. it also does become a deeply personal thing, too. how you yourself are interacting with the villain- bro, bc u KNO some ppl can be freaks.. & i THINK spike ... for all he’s worth rlly  does lend himself to be kinda interesting in that regard, bc like...

frankly ive said it once and i’ll say it again i LOVE early spike. he’s a villain and its leant into, to the point of it being moreso a caricature - and i dont say tht in, like, a bad way?? bc hes fucking fun, man. his scenes in s4- god, i find them fuckn hilarious, and i was (and still am) obsessed with the dynamic he brings to the scoobies. theres sooo many scenes in s4 that send me apeshit, & i did develop an extremely niche ship tht lasted 2 seconds in a freakshow flash for a sec but thts by the by. in s4, and before then, he was enjoyable and i loved him as a character.

but like ive said.... its the switch tht’s made in s5 tht rlly does make me turn on him like....

 morally speaking he hasnt changed. if anything, s5/s6 spike is arguably more of a “good” person than in s4/earlier. he has certainly, during his time pre seeing red, done more atrocious things than attempted r*pe. but tht... rlly isnt at all wht the fuck it is all abt you know wht i mean.... bc i do think....... the thing is, its with wht i said earlier.... abt how he was, initially, moreso a caricature. his monstrosity was removed from reality. certainly people murder irl, and they do all the heinous crimes he did, but its... removed? what he does is removed from our reality; its a construct, in a vacuum more like

but then from mid s5 onwards, spikes monstrous side is rooted less in acts of villainy, that are fictitious... its not ooh fucked up evil vampire devoid of a soul causing mayhem.... his actions, thereon,  are all abt  the entitlement & weird creepy behaviour @ buffy.... and that violence is rooted intovery, very real misogny... & at THAT point its no longer removed villainy, but instead its  brought into our reality .... & is directly feeding into serious issues, with actual consequence that real people deal with; its a reflection of stuff that i think most of the audience watching would have handled before, whether first or second hand.... and like.... okay... at tht point for me...... the mans no longer enjoyable as a villain? but i think- it hink its not even just that bc , eqqually

i loathe the trio but i do kinda. like... LIKE? i do kinda LIKE their presence in the sense of they ARE that in a very purposeful way. and so i do derive some enjoyment, not in the sense of me liking them in the way i get a thrill for Glory, but in the sense of like... i do find some weird catharsis in seeing that kind of asshole portrayed as an antagonist. meanwhile with spike- with spike... h... i am ALL for ambiguity with things, but like. i do think, fuckn. god. there’s so much wishy washy shit with him tht ive stated befor,e so even that... just falls apart and there has to be a point of jsut me being like. i do not think the show was clever enough to do that, whatsoever. and thats especially like... significant into how they treat things, post seeing red- with how buffy’s reaction is kinda brushed off, and we get this whole fucking. sequence of spikes vengeance against god knows what and lots of deliberating on how he feels and not how she feels whagtsoever ad

im getting awayh from myself its 2am does anyone want to hear me talk about how iliek fahith <3

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so he calls me and asks whats wrong. and i feel like this is trapping me because i cant express anything but by not expressing it it creates a cycle. i told him i didnt want to go to the park tomorrow. to me, i expected like an oh well whatever and i’d watch some videos and go to sleep.

but now he was starting into his shit again. and hes telling me its not okay im not referred to a psychologist and that the doctor is not enough. but its like.. he does not understand clinical depression. like he doesnt understand how far depression can affect every single thing in your life and to explain this is an excuse. like why didnt you do xx today, why did it take this long to do this, why do you nap so much etc. and its like.. im tired. im really tired of being alive. and you should be fucing grateful that im sitting here today talkng to you because everyday is a choice to be alive. i AM choosing to be here DESPITE everything that says i shouldnt. despite everything that makes it super hard. 

but its all an excuse. its all “defeatist”. but its like.. i dont sit here and tell you word for word what ive spoken about or what has been said to me. the first few visits were in the understanding that i was clearly really really fucked up. like i believe the doctor believed that i was very close to commiting suicide but i was functioning at a level that i didnt need to be tipped over. like he had a real chance of helping someone in need and he jumped at the opportunity. and the trust had to be built - he asked me questions about my life and the history and we had to dicuss in depth my mother whom i have not spoken about in 7 years. 

and like part of my problem is beating myself up. like .. wow i was such a shitty kid, i was a terrible daughter to my mother - i must have been the things she said i was and that must have contributed to the eath of my father so it must be my fault. do i “believe’ this? like reallyyyy believe it? no. cuz im not dumb. these people lived their own crazy lives. but this was my life for 25 years. TWENTY. FIVE. not like oh i had a break and was a drug addict for 7 yrs. no. all twenty five years, every damn day of my life was dedicated to these people. every. single day. my own mother tried to have the cops do something for me 4 months before she died because she knew that the relationship i had with my father was detrimental on like a next level. 

but how do you turn away from a sick person? how do you do that? he said i should feel pride. i should feel like i had strength and look at it as positive. which is fine - it’s fine. but dont you see? dont you see i put in TEN YEARS of UNPAID WORK to have a man DIE? do you know what i got from the responsiblity to other people? to be on another persons schedule? to live another persons rules?

nothing. absolutely nothing. and ive seen “grown men” decide to stop working for months at a time because a job let them go for a reason they didnt agree with. like they got “fucked”. but i really got fucked. and yu now what thanks i got?

people like him telling me i didnt do anythhing but watch tv and smoke weed. youre right. i did. in between making meals and cleaning up blood and shit, i smoked weed and watched tv. that was my only fucking solace because i could not go away for longer than a night without serious concern for my father. but i smoked weed. and i watched tv. so that means i didnt “work hard”.

but the thing is - no one my age has been a full time caregiver. no one. not a single person can tell me what its like to be a caregiver or how i should feel or what the ‘right amount’ of work is. in reality - if you believe i smoked weed and watched movies and he was always “going to die anyways” then how much “work” did i do in the decade he wasnt dead? how did i manage an entire decade with a man hell bent on killing himself? tell me how i didnt “work”.

and im not into this argument anymore. i will not allow a single person on this earth to speak on my time with my father. not a single person knows ANYTHING about this time except me and my father and hes dead. and i cannot speak solely on it. thats just my word. so i will never argue about it. believe what the fuck you want because if you dont believe me theres not a damn thing that can be done to change your mind and i dont have to care becaue i know what i did i know the time i spent with him. 

but he continued telling me he thinks i should be working and i should be trying harder. i am frustrated - how do i explain the massive concept of trauma and severe depression? do you not understand that “everyones” reaction is part of the problem and stigma of depression? this is why people are suffering in silence - well he goes to work but hes a sever alcoholic. he wants to die everyday but damnit he still goes to work. 

and its like none of this at all in any capacity makes me feel different about the world aroun me. why do you want to die? why are you still working and wanting to die? whats the point? because youre ~not dead yet~? awsome. that really gets me going. that sparked the flame right back up inside of me. i cant believe i never thought of that - might as well do it because i’m not dead yet. 

and you think its procrastination. that its inherent laziness. do you not think im procrastinating on suicide then? perhaps im just waiting it out? maybe im waiting for the final nail in the coffin; my last reason. either give me a reason to live or give me a reason to die but you know im in purgatory right now. 

and thats part of the problem - i’m asking for a reason when i should make a reason. i create my own reason. and i know that. i have worked very very hrd to solidify the concept in my brain that i have to make my own reason - no one will provide a reason and more so its not okay to have someone provide it. because someone could die or leave and then what? you make your own. i made the mistake of putting my reason into a dieing man. and i waited far too long to pull back. even when i wanted to nothing was ever as important, nothing ever fulfilled my life and soul like knowing i was responsible for this person. i had a purpose to be here. 

he continued. continued. continued. i finally broke down, “im sorry - you called  me. i was sitting here a little sad about to wath fucking gta videos and go to sleep and probably wake up in a different mood. now youve called me and made me so upset that im now in a panic attack and sobbing and contemplating my self worth. how does this help me?”

“this is just my opinion. im allowed to express my opinion when youre life affects me.” 

and he continued but continually tried to reiterate that he wasnt attacking me or my methods. it sounded more like frustration and inability to understand. like he was unwilling to accept that as a depressed person i struggled on my own to find a trust worthy doctor after having issues with doctors my whole life. then i allowed this person to help me but it wasnt like.. in the movies. this is not like fairytale romantic manic depressive pixie dream girl. like u loved me so hard i got this help and magically became amazing in 30 days and forgot all my troubles. 

this is serious trauma. this is serious trauma that now that we are getting even older has become even more detrimental because i did not even realize how traumatic it was until i learned to be “apart of society”. by “being apart of society” it triggered dozens of things in past trauma that i did not even understand as being traumatized and thus had serious depression and anxiety about issues unrelated to people just being dead. its not like oh my parents are dead and im sooo sad. no. i have a very complex grief that spanned decades and to even expect me to remember what happened to lead me to the conclusions i have now immediately and just convey this to a professional and have them give me a once over and this is how to fix it is soooo naive. 

this will be a very long process that involves more than doctors visits. he acknowledged i needed daily assistance to overcome my issues and that my own isolation for so long has prolonger and increased social issues that im not getting around on my own. he told me i needed to “grow up”. i told him i agreed. i said it was very frustrating to be me and know that this was fucked up and still be doing it because i didnt have the tools beyond myself to figure out how to “grow up”. like this is all trial and error for me. no one held my hand and protected me and patted my ass when i came home strung out and fucked up. no one sat me down and told me to put a smile on. i was not in any way shape or form parented by anyone. i have never had a parent. i have been completely independent and have thought indepndently for as long as i can remember. i have always dealt with my issues on my own and have had to care for someone for ten years starting as a teenager. in those ten years i never failed to pay a bill or do something i was supposed to do. 

okay. so this is just me. and i would love to have a parent. i would love to have someone who knows more than me around. someone who gives a shit. but i dont. so its just me. and whatever i think is right which has been convoluted by a dieing man and mentally ill woman. thats my foundation. so im sorry if im not a fucing university graduate building a 401k driving a car with my own house. im sorry. u know im sorry im not even a fucing fast food mcdonalds employee highschool graduate with 10$ in a savings account and money on a bus card. 

but bitch. i’m still here. i’m mad as hell and i’m still fucking here. thats literally the greatest accomplishment for me on a daily basis. its my biggest accomplishment and greatest anxiety. im still here. 

i told him again - all of this was making it worse. the real issue i had was having no one to talk to at all. no one wanted to listen to me. everyone wants to tell me what to do or how i should think or some negative opinion because theyre envious that i get ‘free money’. 

and the doctor had to convince me to get disability. i told him the people around me felt i could work. he said he did not believe in any way i was capable of holding a job right now and listed a number of reasons why he believed i couldnt, most having to due with symptoms of sever depression. in a switch side, if i listed these reasons i would be told theyre merely excuses by other people and that “they were tired too”. which is why he had to reiterate a number of times to fuck what other people thought. no one has to live my life but me. in reality its disgusting that people continually look down on or disrespect me outright for collecting benefits while they pity me for having issues. it’s hypocritical and bullshit. 

finally he said that he wanted to see me do better and wanted to encourage me to find ways to cope with these times of serious depression. i told him that i do have ways to cope - but this is real life and its not always successful. but yet, i have been successful - i’ve not self harmed this year. not because it was “a fad” but because i actively choose not to do that to cope. this is a choice i make during every anxiety attack. this is a sign of strength i have this year i did not last year. so perhaps i spent four hours crying but i did not cut myself or attempt suicide so all i did was spend four hours crying. just so i could be alive right now. so who cares that i spent four hours crying lets be grateful im here now. who cares that it took five days to mail a letter - i mailed the letter. thats what matters. you dont even know that ive been given disability forms twice before that were NEVEr MAILED. fuck they werent even FILLED OUT. so not only did i get these forms, i had them filled out and then i MAILED tHEM. 100% BY MYSELF. my momy didnt help me. i didnt get any fucing drives to the doctor. nothing of this process was made easy in any fucking way. and i did it. so does it matter that ti took five days? absolutely not. even if it took five days, in 60 days do you think itll matter if im accepted? when i have those benefits, do you think itll matter i took 5 days to mail the thing? fuck no. because i mailed it and got the benefits

. 

LET ME CRY. LET ME BE SAD. acknowledge i exist with this sadness!! do you not understand the pain of being ignored when you’re suffering!! i told him that i try to be a good listener for him - i let him speak about whatever he wants, whenver he wants in which ever way he wants to speak about it at the time; if he feels very angry and upset at something and expresses that, i dont later hold him to it and say “well u were angry about this before now ur not how come”. i said i never express my opinion because im a listener just listening so i acknowledge him and if i think hes doing something that is harmful to him i say something like “i dunno if thats a good idea” or “i wouldnt personally do that” or “thats gross” (usually used in context with an elaborate idea involving sex or drugs). 

he paused and said that was true and i did do that. i told him i just wanted someone to listen to me. all i really needed to be “helped” was for someone to listen without any preconceived notions or opinions they wanted to put on me. just accept the words im saying and perhaps if possible express some empathy of some kind because they understood the sentence i put out in the world and maybe they can say something like “i bet this thing happening to you would cause this feeling.” to demonstrate that they understand the connection between an event and the reaction to the event and that i am not an insane weak dumb person for having an emotion. no one does this for me. no one. including him. and i believe at this moment he understood, finally, that no one does this for me. including him. tht i am a good listener, that i do not bring him down and allow him to be his own person until i think something is harmful and then i try to express to him my serious concern about his thoughts but not tell him hes a bad person for those thoughts. hes not lazy or stupid or evil. i tell him based on personal knowledge and experience why i think its harmful and rarely is it based just on a personal opinion. like i dont say dont do drugs cuz its bad. i say dont inject drugs, dont take drugs on a regular basis - all very valid safety concerns in the use of drugs. it is not “dont do drugs”. because i know that for something to matter to someone long term you have to create your own purpose. he cant not do drugs for me or any other person. he hs to not do drugs for himself. but i can encourage better use of drugs. 

finally he apologized - an apology that has been maybe a year in the making. he said he realizes now that being aggressive and negative about things is not helping anything and that he should be encouraging about positive things in order to promote me actually recovering. he said he was “man enough” to admit that he was wrong and that this is something he should work on to better support me because he believed i was making an effort. 

but it was a very good example of something that was small that couldve been handled differently that became a massive overwhelming issue. his bottom line was that i should see a psychologist. i told him i would tell my doctor that the person closest to me in my life is saying they believe i need more/additional help than whats being provided because they want to know the person im seeing to get help is specialized in helping people like me. thats totally fine request to make. im not going to argue that the doctor is “enough”. i dont know. maybe hes right. maybe i need to talk to even more people. but to tell me this on top of “blah balh you get welfare you smoke you nap all day etc.” is horrendous and backwards. should i see a psychologist to tell them what an asshole you are and that you probably cause alot of grief in my life? 

like how my doctor thinks of you right now? 

he couldve just said hey you know i can see youre trying but i want to suggest maybe asking your doctor to refer you to a psychologist again because i think itll be helpful for both of us.

like he wanted to help and was roadblocked by the fact that i had no coping mechanisms for him to bank on. so he was coming in blind and frustrated that he is not even normally capable of being a good “shoulder to cry on” and now he had no instructions but he still had a very sad girl to worry about. and this doctor didnt “give me” any coping mechanisms so what good is this doctor if he cant “fix” the issue he has to deal with now. 

but there is no coping mechanism. theres no like “turn on this song and ill be okay”. theres a variety of things i can try to do, not all of them will work, but one will. one will bsolutely because if one does not, ill be dead. one is always going to work even if the one is time. just waiting it out and battlign it in some meditative state. but one will work. 

like he disregarded alot of reasons for what i do as like some general thing i just “like”. like some random thing in my head that makes me like it. and im obsessed with watching specific gamers on youtube. i do not play video games. like i have almost no interest in video games. i dont care who the fuck wins. i dont care about the mechanics of a game. i will watch the most boring ass games like a shitty flash game or a fucing terrible job simulator that is just the most complicated system of buttons and bullshit to move a fucing tractor and i would never even remotely consider even trying to play the game let alone download it or install it.

but here i am. hours a day. watching games i will never play by men i will never meet. and i trid to explain this -  its “sad” to you that im going to go watch these things. but to me its like.. a graduated version of something that can be simplified with penny lane’s quote, “if you ever get lonely you just go to the record store and say hi to your friends”. like ive always held the idea that music and sound is a constant familiar. so i have specific sounds - much like people have specfic smells or tastes. as a kid my fathers keys jingled in his pockeet and i could hear this jingle from anywhere in the store. like my ears trained to it because i feared getting lost but if i could hear it i knew i was okay. a bit older i grabbed on to all my favourite bands but what i found was after years of doing things, familiarity felt like visitng a grave. like nothing changed. it was so familiar it was stale, it was a nostalgic memory i was visitng and not being embraced by a warm hug. many of my favourite bands broke up and stopped releasing new music. 

i told him that the sound of these mens voices was calming. like i had alot of isolation and listening to music or whatever didnt seem real. but here are these real life people who have their own things they do and that happen to them and everyday they pop up and talk about nothing. NOTHING> they come and be like “hey so today we’re going to build a room” or “so today we’re going to race this virtual car” and nothing in the game matters and like people get “mad” but no one is mad. because nothing in the game matters. you die, you come back. 

and like the attitude of these people helps. like “damn im in last place today BUT ILL GET YOU” because nothing in the game matters. or maybe you feel invested in some grand feat theyre trying and they dont get it and theyre like ah shit well gotta keep trying.  so ive focused on specific gamers who rarely are offensive or loud or otherwise unwatchable. 

but he brushed it off a bit, “yeah, yeah, its someone with a comforting voice” but the tone of his voice hinted at jealousy; like why wasnt it him? why couldnt he just play a video game and make commentary and ill feel better? why does it have to be these guys?

and maybe because i dont know them? they will (potentially) never do me wrong. maybe one day they’ll stop recording. theres a small chance theyll say something super offensive or racist. but i mean theyre never going to personally attack me. theyre never going to point me out and say this girl is fucked. i can be their friend without being their friend. i get to be apart of inside jokes and funny conversations but never actually apart of it. i get to feel like i’m not alone while being terribly alone. and i dont think im necessarily choosing this above other things to cope - i think it’s what i’m “making due with”. i found something and it takes such little effort. 

im honestly at a point where i am waiting. my current perspective on life is that people are absolute fucking pieces of shit who have little regard for anyone but themselves or their own kind. however there are 7 billion people on the planet and it would be “racist” so say “all humans” are pieces of shit. so like.. a lare majority of humans are pieces of shit and there are a few who are actually good souls but when you have 7 billion ppl and like 100,000 are good - who the fuck cares? thats like a drop in the bucket. to act in the world as though you are encountering those 100,000 ppl on a daily basis is a set up for failure and thus how it creates the cycle of 7 billion pieces of shit because “self preservation”. 

from what i have honestly seen of the world - fuck the world. hands down 100% i have absolutely no desire what so ever to participate in society. i have experienced some terrible shit and i have seen and heard some even worse terrible shit and the positive DOES NOT outweigh the negative at all in anyway. the only reason people care about me in any way right now is because i am considered a “burden” to them by having issues. i dont want my issues. i hope i recover and become a mentally sound and healthy individual. because i do not in any way want to be involved with people on a whole. like if i can afford to live alone and buy my own food and not struggle as i have been - i’m done. i’m sorry. i’m waiting to leave society. i realized how disgusting people are and have lowered myself to using them when i can for like the very basic theyre willing to do (despite what i put out i never get remotely the same in return) and when i am capable of supporting myself i honest to god dont thin ill do half or more of the things i do now “for people”. thats the thing - i’m now waiting to isolate myself further because the experience ive had says there is nothing there for me. if i want to live, ill be living alone, secluded and isolated. 

because honestly? im not fucing with a single person who did not fuck with me during this time. fuck. you. you let me struggle and suffer alone and youre soooooo happy im on benefits now? no. youre not. youre more than likely going behind my back and talking shit about it anyways but you think im “cool” or “talented” so you’d like to be associated with me. but you dont want any of the “drama” or “baggage” so youre not even really a fucing friend. 

the only thing keeping me going right now is the idea that maybe before the end of the year, i wont have to do _this_ anymore. ill get my own place, have my own food, live my own life and i fucking deserve it no matter how much the pieces of shit cry about it and how they dont get it because i dont “get” half the shit they do in their lives and never have. the pieces of shit will always be pieces of shit and they will never stand to see someone have something they dont. 

i learned about myself that i like to cook. i like buying ingrediens for food and trying new recipes and i can do that alone. i can just eat nice food on my own. i like to play guitar but i like to play for myself not to share music. i dont get anythng from sharing. its a totally personal experience just for me. and not having the space to be alone to play guitar is depressing. i like animals. i want to learn to travel by myself. i have literally never gone anywhere by myself. LITERLLY. LIT.ER.ALLY. i have never gotten on a bus to another city and been in that city by myself. just like.. existed in the city by myself. NEVER. but i cannot learn this if i cannot travel and i cannot travel without some sort of purpose behind it. i want to go back to making art for me not because im the artist who makes art. i saw a movie by myself for the first time ever last week. 

it took 10 yrs to have experiences that 18 yr olds do. im not “living like a teenager”. its that i NEVER LIVED AS A TEENAGER to be able to become an adult. and now that i am an adult i cannot make teenage mistakes. 

and thus we give the highest of praise to the singular best accomplishment of my whole life:

not pregnant. do not have kids. not a drug addict. not an alcoholic. 

do you understand at all the HIGHEST OF CHANCES i had to have children? i was a naive girl with no parental supervision, no outlet for myself, super emotional & depressed. 

then he tells me, “you know, learn from your parents”.

bitch i did. my mother was 25 years old when she met my old ass father and MARRIED HIM ONE WEEK AFTER. did i do this? she did this KNOWING he had little to no feeling of love for her. this bitch had been abandoned and fucked with by her family sooo much she was like the only way out is with this guy and she grabbed on to him and NEVER FUCKING LEFT.

so bitch.

i did.

im 27 yrs old. youre 26 yrs old. i live on my own. you live at home. ive never been pregnant. ive never been married. yep - my mother and i did not “work”. that is a serious flaw we shared. she also never acknowledge the SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS SHE HAD WHICH LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME NOT LIKE FIGURATIVELY BUT LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME AND I DID NOT EVEN HAVE THE WHEREIWTHAL TO KNOW IT HWAS HAPPENING 

so i did. i did learn from my parents. my father told me people are fucking terrible and they are. i learned. in fact i did not. i did not learn. i lived in a naivety that people are good. and people want to hear me sy people are good because god forbid they be considered shit but lbr.. you’re probably terrible. i’m pretty terrible. i am totally in limbo where i have like 6 months to a yr before this becomes “my fault”. 

so youre right. i am waiting. im waiting to see what independence looks like and whether or not i’d fuck with people like this. and like all i can say is im glad it took 12 months to realize that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. i did thank him. might as well put my own shit into practice - it doesn matter it took 12 months bcause he is admitting it now. and it makes me feel a bit better but at the same time i feel like an obvious statement is if you had known this even 6 months ago, how much better off might i be now? if the closest person to me in life was a positive rather than a negative, how much better would i be now? take some fucing responsibility for the fct that not only do i have to fight myself, but i have to fight through the negativity people like him put on me and decide despite what they aid to stay alive. not like feel a desire to want to because they reminded me of all the good things. i have to fight and be angry and create alot of bitterness towards them and live in spite. thats not fair. and life might be “unfair” and i “choose” to stay aroun someone who has consistently made things sooo bad but my god take 1 second to see it from my side. imagine if i had 6 months of positive reinforcement from the closest person in my life and a professional. i wouldnt have had the second hospital visit. i’d really be in a much better place than i am right now and its SUPER unfair to hold it against me that he cause damaged i had to fix before i could even focus on my actual issues. he held me bac and i allowed him to hold me back and prolong this process. im not even going to blame him like an excuse. i allowed him to hold me back. maybe i allowed it so i would have an excuse. if he tells me all the negative things i think about myself then its like reiterating that what i think is right. it deepens the depression. 

but honestly having someone in his position - where he was very much becoming a second coming of my terrible parents, suddenly apologize and admit they were wrong is actually okay. that actually helps my life a bit. for a long time i wanted this from my mother. 

[allshe-needed-waslove]

My names kitty, I'm 16 years old. I am an addict. And yes I'm aware that I'm stuck deep in addiction, the first part of recovery is knowing you're an addict. The first step is about where I'm at. It's all started over the lose of my first love. He was handsome, sweet, and caring and everything I've always wanted. At 15 me and him decided to move in together, let me tell you. (First mistake). This man of mine I thought was so in love with me. He tried to have kids with me, dropped 5 bills on housing stuff for us to get our own place. Gave me a promise ring, *on one knee* I was in love and vulnerable. What can I say. I believed every single lie that came out of his petty mouth. (Second mistake). Turned out I was being used for my body. Forgot to mention this man was 21 and I, 15. I'm going to keep this short but just no I could go on forever about this Man. I thought we were so in love and I had found my king... so there comes his idea about king and queen matching hand tattoos. (BIGGEST mistake). Clearly wr aren't together anymore. Well when I moved into his basement with him wr started drinking. blah, blah, long story short he became very emotional, depressed, and filled with physical aggression. I no longer new who he was. I was 7 months clean off blow the whole time me and him were together. As someone that's very deep in addiction I am always addicted to something that makes me feel good. And.. he did. Little did I no it was a disguise. This man, I never saw as a creep for dating me at only 15. I never saw the problem cause "we were so in love" . I'm just glad we didn't end up with kids, although we tried for the whole 7 months. He promised to marry me. I belived him. Hes the first man i was 100% faithful too but thats mostly because i was in love and grew up. Im writing so much about my ex man because he was the root of the start to my addiction. I would have litteraly killed for this man. Well him being an ex addict himself, he had lots of stories, drugs, crime, Exc. I liked them "Older bad boys" and I wanted to be everything he wanted. Shortly I became everything he didn't want even near him. I didn't think he was a creep for dating a 14/15 year old until I saw a side of him I'm scared from. I found out he was talking to 13 year Olds trying to hookup and "get to no them" more and more often, this was when we were on a break I belive. I later turned 16 and he completely lost interest in me. Fully. At one point I was begging for him to stay with me all the way to his house to see a bunch a little kids from 13-17 chilling in his house and in the backyard. At this point I didn't fully notice he's not all right in the head. At 16 I guess I aged out for him. He no longer told me he loved me. No longer kissed my forehead and scratched my back before bed, he no longer rubbed and kissed my belling praying to creator that theres life inside me.Slept with his back facing me. Drank, hungojt with other people all the time. Hid his phone, changed his passwords. Only intimancy and feeling of love was when we would have sex. I was just so comfortable with him, more then my own family. He was the first guy to make me orgasm, and that was a sense of comfort for me (Besides my new love now that I'll mention later on). That's all he ever wanted to do, it was all about sex and booze at the end there. But sadly enough for me it was alchol and speed. He would force me to send him nude pictures and bugged and bugged to the point where he broke up with ne because I wouldn't send a twerk video and because I didn't send nudes when he wanted them.. I still went out of my way to try to make him happy, to keep the spark going. I'd bring him back a chocolate milkshake extra large every single day I got off work.. I wouldn't get a smile, a thankyou or anything. Most I'd get is a "put it right here". I dont really want to get to much into the topic but during sexual intercourse he would hit me, and chocked me till I went blue, you will all think "yea he's just into kinky stuff". But listen, every trust I couldn't breath.. he got satisfaction out of it. And then he took what he would do in bed to doing on a regular basis. Including the slapping and choking.. and I can't say I liked it because he had evil in his eyes, he meant to hurt me . Not please me. I was young and confused when I tried to leave he'd grab the biggest kitchen knife and start to slit his arms or neck. I was manipulated to shit. He left me a day after my birthday, I can't know forsure but I know it was sometime in June. I didn't know why, and I still don't know why I love the man. He's abusive emotionally and physically, and all around. I put up with being called ugly and fat everyday. He told me he bought me makeup because I am ugly underneath. He ruined my confidence. Not a good guy. I say he was the root of the start to my addiction because he really was. Stupid enough as it sounds I wanted to walk in his shoes.. see what he's saw, for me to understand why he is the way he is. We were very off and on around this point. First breakup I went out to grab beer, to short form this I ended up running into a girl I knew that I used to have mad beef with,.. and we ran into some guy I used to know that ended up being a drug dealer... she was addicted to meth, she has a beautiful daughter that I call my niece, we ended up at rock bottom together. We both lost everything. Both our family's gave up on us for months. MY ADDICTION AND WHEN AND HOW IT STARTED: I have been doing dope since I was 13, Xtc was my drug of choice, then it was molly,lean,cocaaine, any pills I could get my hands on, alchol. Basically anything that got me fucked up. Why did i start? I cant answer that, ever since i was young ive fantasized about escaping reality and just always feelings good, I was clearly depressed but instead of perscribed meds i chose to self madicate using street drugs, witch left me with psychosis, bad depression, anxiety, panic attacks and i was recently diagnosed bipolar. I didn't get on hard shit till I turned 16. When me and this man were on what i called a break, and i was out getring beer like i mention i ran into this girl then we hung out and ran into this guy. At this point i didnt no she did meth, until she took a rail infront of me. I was mind blown i thought meth made you completly differnt. This older man we ran into, ended up hanging out with us for the night, blah blah blah he sold a belt for dope, we took a taxi from the whore house , ditched it outside an apartment (that reeked like throw up) went inside and he had us work for him, well he was waiting on his buddy (dope dealer) to come by so he could sample his new re-up. He had me and this girl post adds on Craigslist as escorts. (Only in intentions to rob the guy) but we still had to use pictures of ourselves. I was having a cooler. And drinking a 1L 9f vex well everyone was waiting on their dope, I never once thought I'd be doing meth and especially the amount I consumed that day. Buddy guy gets bad starts until packing his pack pulls out stolen checks,IDs, bankcards, alchol, batteries, dope scale. Just a bunch a random things. At this point I had a buzz just a buzz I was totally aware of my surroundings and in control of what I was doing though. Buddy guy pulls out his meth pipe and starts to scrape the rez using a Bobby pin. He got a bunch of bumps set up one for each of us... including me. He wasn't aware if never used meth, but he also wasnt trying to convince me not too. Actually he was convincing me to just take it "its just a small bump" he said. I saw this girl and him both take their hot rails ive heard about them before from my ex.. hotrails are how he got into dope too. And dam did i ever think it was cool as fuxk to see smoke come out well snorting and no feeling the burn od it in my nose. I told myself just once, yes ive seen the comercials but did that stop me? No. Because i didnt no i had addixtion issues at that point. I was 7 months clean, but of course it was all my doing usuing that night. As soon as i took that hot rail. I was fucked, i knew id be hooked. I ended up buying 8 points nit knowing how much the prices are i gave him 40$ a movie giftcard and my bran bew expensive box mod. I was desperate to not come down. If i could go back to that day i first used, i would have went home when my mother called me to come home. Me and my man ended up getting back togther, he was the first petson i tild about doing meth that night, i met up woth him in the morning and he called my mom. My mom balled her eyes out so confused on what to do. Her daughter is doing meth. How could a parent take that in.. but nono that wasnt it katie ended up causing 2000$ worth of damage in her bedroom. Pretty sure i put every body part u could think of through the wall and breaking everything in reach in my small bedroom. I have even pulled of the blinds from my window and my head through the wall more then once that we now need to replace the wall. I smashed a picture of a cat in a frame and used the shards as weapons on myself and others. I went nuts, and this was all over drugs and a boy. Parents ended up calling the cops and they picked me up under the mental heath act and had me put in general psychiatry for 2 weeks. At this point my "man" ex man let's say, moved on.. well I was getting better and staying clean to get him back he was laying with other bitches. He hated me. I don't no why. I dont no what I did, never did and never have. I never got closure.. and let me tell you that straight fucked me up to this day. He won't and hasn't talked to me until recently I made a new fb cause he blocked me on everything and asked if we could be civil he said ya and we had a short talk. But yet, I still don't no why he left. But this gets better when I got clean in hospital I texted him and let him no I'm clean and the respond I got made me loose all hope. He replied, "I don't care go back to dope". And he not only once but multiple times told me to end my life. And I wanted to o oh so fucking wanted to . Death and dope. I wanted them bad. I went on doing meth more and more, hanging with the street people n drug dealers more and more that getting high became a chore. A need. And at this poiny i didnt no i was an addict i was just "doing it for fun" me n this girl were in and oyt of the local whore house cleaning and organizing junk for dope. We always managed to have dope. The more dope I did the more my tolerance went up. The more I needed more. Snorting it wasn't doing the trick for me anymore I was up for days and decided to start smoking it, but I was home in my room without a pipe so I tested put the old tinfoil and hooter method. It worked . A whole new rush, slightly different. And then from there on out I only smoked it and took hot rails. I ended up getting kicked out of my family home to the streets. All my stuff left in the front of the house because I wasn't coming home for curfew or I was coming home high and I have younger siblings in the house. But she did what was best for her and kicked me out. Still there for me . Just taking away the roof over my head and hot water to shower in out of my life. Because those are privileges. That was it. I wanted to be indepented, she tossed ne the ropes.. i then needed to make money. So i msged buddy guy and asked him for help and tips on how to make money, he then told me to come over. I went over and we discussed work. Was it legal? Maybe 13/100%. At only 16 I was moving product that shouldn't even exist. I first became a secretary and worked his phone, then I became someone who bags the dope (let me tell you it's hard being an addict in front of so much dope) I then ended up doing runs for him, then the higher ups met me and took me for a few days to transfer large quantities of dope.. and thats when i first tried fentanyl. I was transfer with a higher up guy and my clueless ass didnt no wtf he was tossing me on tin foil, i thought it aas speed at first. That hit me pretty good. But not once have i over dossed. At that point i was moved into the "trap" or the "shack" I always had dope, everyone wanted to be my frriend. Of course thought. Drugs make us like that .it's like we're conected by magnets were always were the dope is. I got picked up by a higher up dude one night and I was told to pick up our hard (crack) at this point I was doing crack Fent and meth. I'm lucky to be alive. There was this other kid that hung around he was a intervenes user a year younger then I am, doing the same shit, making sales to keep his high up. When I went out I was brought to this really dirty shack, I was helping this guy work by scaling and bagging and labeling, it was a weird house. I heard muffled screams behind this curtain that separates the room as he was showing me weapons.. like weapons to torture.. anyway this guy I guess was really feeling me I ignored the sound of the muffled screams because on speed and Fent I felt immortal I wasn't scared of anything or anything.. this guy tried to get with me and obviously in the situation I was in I said no. Then he tried making me do ghb with him witch is one drug I'll never touch. I ended up staying way later with this guy then I should have, he had me start working his phone and wouldn't let me leave his place. Finally I convinced him to let me go and he got a driver to bring me back to where I was staying by the time I got there I was already super fucking late with the dope I got an 80 rock of hard 2 points of down 2 points of Fent and 4 points of side for working that night. They loved me cause I was an innocent kid with no record. I got there and I was so fucked up on Fent and meth that I was being loud as fuxk trying to get my body over the balcony railing on the first floor into the apartment. (We went through that way) and when I walked in everyone was posses straight pissed. That they didn't get their dope like 5 hours ago. Lots of shit happend in that house I lived at but the most fucked is when I came back with that dope everyone was pissed at me n in a crappie mood the kid younger then me needed his Fent bad and literally threatened me with a dirty used dirty. I ran to the bathroom Sar on the floor and balled my eyes out. I just worked hard and had to put up with this buddy all over me just to get threatened and told to kill myself. I then left the washroom and gave him his dope he shot up 5 ps of meth then a point of Fent he ended up going into straight psychosis. The people there didn't no what to do he was gouging out the skin on his neck and his knee bleeding everyone. Him being totally capable of anything I was the only one that stepped in dragged him to the couch and help him in my arms well he's balling in complete bad trip mode yelling and saying "please don't "persons name" I'm sorry" thinking he was getting attached by this person he earlier almost got a rock to the dome from. Blah blah blah. Okay, the house owner wakes up that morning me n this guy are past out on the couch me still holding him with his arms restrained and she walks out to a bunch of needles thinking I was shooting up too she then threw a plate at my head through all my shit out her front door kicked the shit out of me. Held a knife to my throat leaving scraps from the blade. Me being a careless bitch saying "Do it, fucking take my life then" with a sharp blade and shaky hand to my jug I then got my dad to pick me up. My mom ended up showing to and she called the police, wasn't worth my time to charge her. I don't rat, for even atempted murder. She got off Scott free. But the cops told me I would have to go to the hospital if I didn't give him a video taped report on her. So off to the hospital I went again.. I don't rlly remember much after that my long term memory is fucking fried. Well skip a month or so, I started selling for myself with my best friend as a partner. We were bomb ass little hustlers. Let me tell you. Did that for awhile they my best friend went off to detox and I started flipping dope with this guy "her man" and making him stacks everyday, oh yah I also got fired from my job before that cause I got into heroin, buddy doesn't hire heroin addicts because they just do the dope. I found myself a new job but before flipping with my best friends man i was a runner for the "higher up" guy. I was selling people meth, crack, heroin, Fent, oxys, pills of all kinds, cocaaine anything u could think of I had it for you. Do I feel good about it? No at all. I could have been the one to sell someone dope to have them od and die. I feel like a straight piece of shit for my selfish actions. Lucky enough no one od-d on my dope. When I was selling for my best friends man i ended up get into poking (needles) and to this day I haven't quit yet. There something in the rush that I love. I've been in and out of hospital for drug use none stop. The doctor put me on extended leave with 7 conditions. Not taking meds and no drug use are the hardest ones I have to face. I'm an addict. But right now I'm a recovering addict. Was 9 days clean . 1 slip last night. long story short I went to off to treatment almost a month ago and I was there for 2 and a half months I met a guy he's from van I'm from abby. Fell in love all over again. This guy gave me hope for the future . But we ended up awoling (running away from treatmemt) And going down town east hastings for 2 days getring fucked up.. me doctoring him. Witch I feel so fucking shitty for. Got kicked out of treatment brought back to abby to stay in a youth shelter witch I didn't stay at got back on the streets again witch I forgot to mention i lived on since July and even stayed in a tent with a guy at one point. I really hit rock bottom but now I'm learning to swim to get back to the surface. I can do this. The guy in treatment I was dating ended up leaving me because people told him I'm cheating on him witch I never in the world would do. I never wanated to loose him. Then day after we break up he's in Abby fucking my so called best friend. Dropped them like bad habits. I ended up relapsing last night I'm admitted in the hospital rn so I'm high with nothing to do so I thought I'd write my story for future me and my kids one day. There's always hope

[patriotsnet]

How Do Republicans Really Feel About Trump

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How Do Republicans Really Feel About Trump

With Trump Off The Ballot Republicans Look To Regain Votes In The Suburbs

Trump’s influence in Ohio even after defeat so far has showed no signs of decline.

In the Ohio legislature, where the GOP controls the agenda with a super-majority, Republicans are looking to enact new restrictions on voting, following Trump’s baseless claims of fraud in the 2020 elections. There have even been proposals to rename a state park after Trump and to honor him with a state holiday. U.S. Senate hopefuls are jockeying to be the most pro-Trump Republican candidate. And the fact that a Cleveland area GOP congressman, Anthony Gonzalez, voted to impeach Trump in January has made him a handy target for Republicans looking to catch Trump’s eye, and maybe an endorsement.

But even at the Licking County GOP gathering, there were a number of opinions about the former president and the role he should play going forward in Republican politics.

The guest speaker at the event was GOP consultant Matt Dole, whose remarks offered a bit of consolation to audience members who may have loved Trump but were far less fond of his Twitter habit.

“We had to defend whatever Donald Trump did on a day in and day out basis,” Dole told his audience of about 50 Republican Party members. He added that they were all for Trump’s policies, “but sometimes his tweets got in the way.”

Republicans wish Trump were still in office, but according to Dole, they are now free to go on offense and focus on attacking the policies of Biden and the Democrats.

How Early Trump Supporters Feel Now

The former presidents 2015 backers, in their own words

About the author: Conor Friedersdorf is a California-based staff writer at The Atlantic, where he focuses on politics and national affairs. He is the founding editor of The Best of Journalism, a newsletter devoted to exceptional nonfiction.

Now that Donald Trumps presidency is over, how do the Americans who supported him at the beginning of his political run feel about his performance in the Oval Office? I put that question to 30 men and women who wrote to me in August 2015 to explain their reasons for backing his insurgent candidacy.

Among the eight who replied, all in the second week of January, after the storming of the Capitol, some persist in supporting Trump; others have turned against him; still others have lost faith in the whole political system. They do not constitute a representative sample of Trump voters. But their views, rendered in their own words, offer more texture than polls that tell us an approval rating.

As I did in 2015, Ill let the Trump voters have their say. But this time Ill conclude with some thoughts of my own, in my capacity as a Trump critic who knows that Americans have no choice but to coexist, as best we can, because our political and ideological differences are never going away.

And now?

The third correspondent told me in 2015 that hed vote for Trump, despite knowing that he would do a terrible job:

How does he feel about Trump today? Not good:

His assessment today:

A Large Share Of Republicans Want Trump To Remain Head Of The Party Cnbc Survey Shows

A CNBC survey conducted in the days before former President Donald Trump‘s impeachment trial finds a large share of Republicans want him to remain head of their party, but a majority of Americans want him out of politics.

The CNBC All-America Economic Survey shows 54% of Americans want Trump “to remove himself from politics entirely.” That was the sentiment of 81% of Democrats and 47% of Independents, but only 26% of Republicans.

When it comes to Republicans, 74% want him to stay active in some way, including 48% who want him to remain head of the Republican Party, 11% who want him to start a third party, and 12% who say he should remain active in politics but not as head of any party.

“If we’re talking about Donald Trump’s future, at the moment, the survey shows he still has this strong core support within his own party who really want him to continue to be their leader,” said Jay Campbell, a partner with Hart Research and the Democratic pollster for the survey.

But Micah Roberts, the survey’s Republican pollster, and a partner with Public Opinion Strategies, emphasized the change from when Trump was president. Polls before the election regularly showed Trump with GOP approval ratings around 90%, meaning at least some Republicans have defected from Trump.

What Do Republican Voters Think About The Impeachment Inquiry

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Steve Inskeep talks to David French of the conservative website The Dispatch about how Republican voters view the impeachment inquiry into President Trump, and revelations from witness transcripts.

STEVE INSKEEP, HOST:

Two realities are shaping the impeachment inquiry into President Trump. One reality is the facts – the largely undisputed record of the president’s efforts in Ukraine to get investigations that he wanted. Another reality is the politics – what voters think of a process run by their representatives. David French is following the story from his home in a red state. He is a conservative writer, a critic of the president and a resident of a state where the president captured 60% of the vote in 2016. He joins us from Franklin, Tenn.

Mr. French, good morning.

DAVID FRENCH: Good morning.

INSKEEP: And I guess we should note that nationwide polls show more people favoring this inquiry than opposing it. But when I look at the polling, from a lot of red states, really, the numbers flip. More people oppose it.

FRENCH: Absolutely. Let me put it this way. I think the best way to describe it is if you’re a politician in a red state, particularly a state like Tennessee – which would be one of the last to abandon Trump, honestly – if you’re going to support the impeachment inquiry, you should consider whether or not you want to continue your political career. ‘Cause it would be, I think, fair to say, a career ender for a lot of people.

FRENCH: Thank you.

How Hispanics Really Feel About Trump

Hispanic voters are not a monolith.

For the first time in history, Hispanic voters are expected to be the largest minority group in the 2020 electorate, according to the Pew Research Center.

With his re-election on the line, its no surprise that President Donald Trump is publicly courting Hispanics. In fact, in late January, he touted a poll he claimed showed his support among Hispanics had risen from 19% to 50%, due to his immigration policies.

Wow, just heard that my poll numbers with Hispanics has gone up 19%, to 50%. That is because they know the Border issue better than anyone, and they want Security, which can only be gotten with a Wall.

Donald J. Trump January 20, 2019

However, these rosy statistics are misleading, since the poll was not designed to gauge Hispanic voters opinions. It did not poll many Hispanics and did not ask questions in both English and Spanish.

As regularly examine public opinion, we know its a stretch to conclude that half of Hispanics approve of Trump, let alone suggest that a majority back his proposed immigration policies.

However, given their potential electoral impact, it is important to understand how Hispanics really feel about President Trump and how their opinions vary across party lines. We have done the work to try to answer these questions.

Inside The Republicans Bunker

Its hard to be worried when you dont really like the guy. Thats what one senior Republican Senate aide had to say when I asked how concerned conservatives are about Donald Trumps fate.

The truth is, Trump fatigue is a condition that knows no party, and many Republicans are as tired of this shit as anybody else. Thats not to say theyre outraged, or motivated to Make a Difference. Theyre just tired. You can live inside the right-wing bubble in a state of depression, resigned to the fact that, yeah, every five minutes or so, the president is probably going to do something norm-shattering or potentially impeachable, and no, you probably wont or cant do anything to change that. Sad!

Im totally bored by the story, one person who speaks regularly with the president told me. Theres nothing to it. I already know all the details. This person is bored more generally, too with the topic of Donald Trump. When we talk about what it would take for the presidents defenders to turn on him, this crucial piece is missing: You cant feel outraged if you can no longer feel anything at all.

The White House is just like, Oh, Trump will handle everything. Which is crazy but it seems like thats their strategy, the senior Repubican Senate aide told me. Its a depressing time.

*This article appears in the October 14, 2019, issue of New York Magazine.

What Republicans Really Think About Trump

July 21, 2016

CLEVELAND The arena here at the Republican National Convention echoes with applause for Donald Trump, but the cacophony and extravagant stage effects cant conceal the chaos in the G.O.P. and in the Trump campaign.

Republican senators suddenly are busy fishing, mowing the lawn or hiking the Grand Canyon; conservative celebrities mostly sent regrets. This vacuum reflects the horror that many leading conservatives feel for their new nominee.

Pundits like me are gnashing our teeth as Trump receives the presidential nomination of the party of Lincoln, but, frankly speaking, we dont have much credibility in Cleveland since many of us arent all that likely to support a Republican nominee in any case.

So instead of again inflicting on you my views of the danger of Trump, let me share what some influential conservatives said about him during the course of the campaign.

Hes a race-baiting, xenophobic religious bigot. He doesnt represent my party. He doesnt represent the values that the men and women who wear the uniform are fighting for. Senator Lindsey Graham, Republican of South Carolina

I dont think this guy has any more core principles than a Kardashian marriage. Senator Ben Sasse, Republican of Nebraska

We saw and looked at true hate in the eyes last year in Charleston. I will not stop until we fight a man that chooses not to disavow the K.K.K. That is not a part of our party. Nikki Haley, Republican governor of South Carolina

Religion And The Belief In God Is Vital To A Strong Nation

Republicans are generally accepting only of the Judeo-Christian belief system. For most Republicans, religion is absolutely vital in their political beliefs and the two cannot be separated. Therefore, separation of church and state is not that important to them. In fact, they believe that much of what is wrong has been caused by too much secularism.

Those are the four basic Republican tenets: small government, local control, the power of free markets, and Christian authority. Below are other things they believe that derive from those four ideas.

President Trump Faces Criticism After Church Visit

McConnell’s comments came after a weekly closed-door lunch for Senate Republicans at which Pat Roberts of Kansas said George Floyd, the black man who died in Minneapolis police custody last week, and the protests weren’t discussed. Instead, they spoke about pending nominations, the coronavirus pandemic and the Paycheck Protection Program.

Sen. Lisa Murkowski, R-Alaska, criticized the president, refusing to say whether she’d vote for him November “out of respect” for the deep political divisions roiling the country. She said she’s not sure whether her Republican colleagues are focusing on the pain the country is feeling right now.

“I’m not quite sure if we are focused on the right things right now,” Murkowski said, adding that the president isn’t delivering the leadership the country needs. “I think tone is really, really important right now. And I do not believe that the tone coming from the president right now is helping. It’s not helping me as a leader.”

The No. 2 Senate Republican, John Thune of South Dakota, said on “PBS NewsHour” that he hopes the president shows an “appreciation for the frustration, the anger, the anxiety that people are feeling” and ���just being willing to listen.”

Sen. Susan Collins, R-Maine, who has an uphill battle for re-election in her swing state, said the president looked “unsympathetic” and “insensitive” in front of St. John’s, saying it’s a church she believes he has attended just one time.

The 2022 Midterms Look Sunny

The over-performance by Republicans in 2020 House races gives them what is historically a very good chance to retake that chamber in 2022, as Kyle Kondik recently noted:

Since the Civil War, there have been 40 midterm elections. The party that held the White House lost ground in the House in 37 of those elections, with an average seat loss of 33. Since the end of World War II, the average seat loss is a little smaller 27 but still significant.

Based on the House as it was shaped after November 2020, Republicans would only need to flip five net seats to regain the majority. The Senate is iffier thanks to a landscape dotted with GOP retirements. But busting up the Democratic trifecta would have a massive effect on the Biden administrations ability to enact legislation.

Republicans And Their Declared Positions On Donald Trump

Elected officials’ positions on Donald Trump Federal:Republicans and their declared positions on Donald Trump Republicans supporting Donald Trump Republicans opposing Donald Trump State and local: Republican reactions to 2005 Trump tape

In a typical general election year, elected officials readily line up behind their party’s presidential nominee. In 2012, for example, The Hill reported that only four Republican members of Congress had declined to endorse Mitt Romney by mid-September of that year. “All other House and Senate Republicans” had already endorsed the Republican nominee.

But 2016 was not a typical general election year.

Controversial comments from the GOP’s 2016 nominee, Donald Trump, about women, Muslims, , and caused some Republican lawmakers to distance themselves from the businessman, while others outright denounced him.

This page tracked the stances of Republican lawmakers on Trump throughout the 2016 presidential election: Did they support him? Did they oppose him? Or were they somewhere in between? The focus of this page is on Republican members of Congress and Republican governors, but we also have included some information on influential Republicans who have served in Republican presidential administrations.

How Do Americans View Bidens Handling Of The Pandemic And The Economy

Most Americans think Biden is handling the coronavirus pandemic far better than Trump. Sixty-two percent approve of how Biden has managed the U.S. response so far. Another 30 percent say they disapprove.

Chart by Megan McGrew/PBS NewsHour

The publics approval of Bidens actions far exceeds that earned by Trumps leadership during the pandemic. His highest approval rating was 18 points lower, at 44 percent in March 2020, the same month the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 to be a pandemic and Trump labeled it a public health emergency. From there, his approval on handling the pandemic dropped as low as 37 percent, recovering slightly to 39 percent by the time he left office in January.

But Americans have less faith in Bidens ability to heal the nations wounded economy compared to Trump. While 46 percent of U.S. adults approve of how Biden has managed the economy, another 41 percent do not approve. During Trumps last days in office, half of Americans said they approved of the former presidents handling of the economy, a sentiment thatTrump leveraged throughout his presidency and in his 2020 campaign for a second term.

Keanu Adams, 25, of Vacaville, California, said he voted for Biden and hopes the president recognizes the country needs more than public health and economic fixes right now.

The nation needs to uproot systemic problems to address what is really wrong, Adams said.

This Is How Hispanics Really Feel About Trump

For the first time in history, Hispanic voters are expected to be the largest minority group in the 2020 electorate, according to the Pew Research Center.

With his reelection on the line, its no surprise that President Donald Trump is publicly courting Hispanics. In fact, in late January, he touted a poll he claimed showed his support among Hispanics had risen from 19% to 50%, due to his immigration policies.

However, these rosy statistics are misleading, since the poll was not designed to gauge Hispanic voters opinions. It did not poll many Hispanics and did not ask questions in both English and Spanish.

Wow, just heard that my poll numbers with Hispanics has gone up 19%, to 50%. That is because they know the Border i https://t.co/ghQ4IogS02 Donald J. Trump 1547993006.0

As regularly examine public opinion, we know its a stretch to conclude that half of Hispanics approve of Trump, let alone suggest that a majority back his proposed immigration policies.

However, given their potential electoral impact, it is important to understand how Hispanics really feel about President Trump and how their opinions vary across party lines. We have done the work to try to answer these questions.

Hispanics on Trump

We analyzed the results of a University of Maryland Critical Issues Poll fielded by Nielsen Scarborough from Oct. 24 to Nov. 16, 2018. The survey was conducted among a nationally representative sample of 600 Hispanics, and it asked questions in both English and Spanish.

Poll: Majority Of Iowans One

Fifty-five percent of Iowans, including a significant portion of Iowa Republicans, say they hope Sen. Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, decides not to run for what would be his eighth term in the Senate in 2022, a new poll out of the state shows. 

The new survey from the Des Moines Register/Mediacom Iowa Poll, conducted by the prominent Iowa pollster Ann Selzer’s Selzer & Co., found that just 28 percent of Iowans hope Grassley will run for another term. Another 17 percent say they are not sure. 

A majority of Democrats and independents say they hope Grassley does not run, a sentiment shared by 35 percent of Republicans. Fifty percent of Republicans, however, say they hope he does decide to run, compared to 11 percent of Democrats and 27 percent of independents. 

Grassley is currently 87 years old and is the oldest Republican senator serving in the body . Grassley’s age has prompted questions as to whether he’ll run again he’s told reporters he’ll decide later this year and has, in the meantime, filed paperwork with the Federal Election Commission to begin fundraising for a possible reelection.

The poll is a mixed bag for Grassley while he retains a 48 percent approval rating among Iowan adults , it’s his lowest Iowa Poll approval rating since 1982, according to the Des Moines Register. 

The Des Moines Register/Mediacom poll surveyed 775 Iowa adults between March 7-10 by telephone in English. The margin of error is +/- 3.5 percentage points. 

With Weeks To Go Before Louisiana Special House Elections New Filings Show Best

WASHINGTON Just weeks before two special elections in Lousiana, new campaign finance reports show there’s a clear gap between the haves and the have nots looking to win each seat. 

Each party is favored to hold onto the seats each won in November. Republicans have the edge in the Fifth Congressional District, where Republican Luke Letlow won a runoff last December but passed away from Covid-19 before he could take office. And Democrats are the favorite in the Second District, which was vacated by Democratic Rep. Cedric Richmond, who decided to join the White House.  

Julia Letlow, the widow of the former congressman-elect who is running as a Republican, leads the cash race in the Fifth District. She raised $682,000 through February and started March with $521,000 banked away. Letlow has won a smattering of Republican endorsements in her quest for Congress, including House Minority Whip and Lousiana Rep. Steve Scalise, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy and the Lousiana State GOP. 

The only other Republican who appears to have filed by the FEC’s Monday deadline is Sancha Smith, who raised less than $10,000. Sandra Christophe, a Democrat and social worker who ran last cycle, just short of $70,000 for her bid and closed February with $50,000 in cash on hand. 

In the Second District, three candidates raised at least $100,000, two Democrats and one Republican. 

Most Republicans Still Believe 2020 Election Was Stolen From Trump Poll

May opinion poll finds that 53% of Republicans believe Trump is the true president compared with 3% of Democrats

A majority of Republicans still believe Donald Trump won the 2020 US presidential election and blame his loss to Joe Biden on baseless claims of illegal voting, according to a new Reuters/Ipsos opinion poll.

The 17-19 May national poll found that 53% of Republicans believe Trump, their partys nominee, is the true president now, compared with 3% of Democrats and 25% of all Americans.

About one-quarter of adults falsely believe the 3 November election was tainted by illegal voting, including 56% of Republicans, according to the poll. The figures were roughly the same in a poll that ran from 13-17 November which found that 28% of all Americans and 59% of Republicans felt that way.

Biden, a Democrat, won by more than 7m votes. Dozens of courts rejected Trumps challenges to the results, but Trump and his supporters have persisted in pushing baseless conspiracy theories on conservative news outlets.

US federal and state officials have said repeatedly they have no evidence that votes were compromised or altered during the presidential election, rejecting the unsubstantiated claims of widespread fraud advanced by Trump and many of his supporters. Voter fraud is extremely rare in the US.

Still, 67% of overall respondents say they trust election officials in their town to do their job honestly, including 58% of Republicans, according to the poll.

Democratic Groups Are Spending Big To Support The Covid

“It’s more money in your pocket, billions to speed up vaccinations, safely reopen schools, and help small businesses come back,” a narrator says in the new ad. 

“Joe Biden kept his word, and that’s exactly what your president should do,” the ad concludes.  

According to a spokesperson from Unite the country, the ad is a seven-figure buy targeted in the battleground states of Arizona, Georgia, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin  all which Biden narrowly won last November, and all of which hold key Senate and gubernatorial contests in 2022. The ad campaign will be mostly featured on digital platforms.

The buy is the latest in a group of Democratic organizations with campaigns airing across the country. 

On Friday, the Democratic National Committee released a new ad that will air nationally and in battleground markets. Entitled, “Help is here”, the ad features parts of Biden’s speech explaining the Covid-19 relief bill. 

Also this week, the Democratic group Priorities USA said it was placing digital ads  like this one  in Arizona, Florida, Georgia, Nevada, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin  in support of the new legislation.  

And House Majority Forward, the Democratic outside group that focuses on House races, said its launching a $1.4 million ad campaign across nine competitive House districts  like one focused on Texas’ 7th district  thanking Democratic members for voting for the relief package.  

Ben Kamisar and Melissa Holzberg

On Trump Approval Asking Why Reveals Differences By Education Within Gop

Many pollsters, including our team here at SurveyMonkey, track President Trumps approval rating, which has fallen to an all-time low. We wanted to delve deeperto ask respondents not just whether they approve or disapprove of the job Donald Trump is doing as president, but why.

We did this in the simplest way possible: by immediately following our question on presidential approval with the open-ended question Why? This way, we can get explanations in respondents own words as to how they feel about our current Commander in Chief.

Republican Approvers: “Kept Promises”  Republican Disapprovers: “Childish”

In SurveyMonkeys most recent Trump approval update, 59% of people said they disapprove of the job Trump is doing as president.

Whats making these Republicans frustrated enough to split with their own party? To find out, we used structural topic modeling to explore how different groups of people explained their various reasons for approving or disapproving of President Trump. Structural topic modeling is a machine learning technique that discovers themes or topics within a large collection of responses, then predicts the prevalence of these topics according to certain respondent characteristics .

The graph below presents the differences in prevalence of various topics mentioned in response to our Why? follow-up, comparing responses among Republicans by whether they approve or disapprove of Trumps performance as president .