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seoafin · 4 years ago

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jjk & tower of god chapter on the same day,,, i spent all of my brainjuice talking abt tog w some friends + working on my wip so this one might be incoherent LMAO but nsjdhfjd this my 2 cents for the chp (1) - 🐱

first of all, the zenins shld just eat shit 🥰 the bar is just nonexistant now 😭😭😭

also maki’s mother said sth that hits way too close to home for me too🥴

the maki & mai, megumi & tsumiki "make a place where they are happy” parallels...mai,, maki wanted a place where u'd be happy!!! 😭😭😭 good points abt any interesting nuances the original jpn might have had though

ALSO MUSCLE MAKI IS HERE

and lmao megumi's "ew no" face ,,, i didn't think he could make a face like that JDJJDJD ,, once again i think his outsider-insider status is interesting but the amount of ppl counting on him/leaning on him bc of strategic position is a lot. ig this is what kamo meant by supporting the 3 families,,,, gojou indeed is playing the long game. megumi in the meantime, very persistent in not getting more involved in clan politics, not using power that is offered to him, or leveraging it - in a way it is good, and it also makes sense with "stress is other ppl" but is interesting from a structural pov. megumi may not rly give a shit abt the rest of the jujutsu world. if the ppl close to him are affected, then he cares. otherwise, forget it.

also im interested in power implications here bcs it sound a little like there’s a slight split b/w leadership and everyday zenins and im curious what it's like if u have no connection to the top of the clan,, and again higher ups being unaffiliated with the 3 clans so they have to appeal to them. curious what other talents the gojou clan have and what they're known for bc clearly it's not just gojou, they still have power without him and still have a stake in the shifting power structure. kamo must be busy too...

MAKIIIIII ,,, honestly my heart hurts a little seeing her getting beat up in recent chapters. but i’m rly happy,, shes FINALLY getting the focus she deserves and i’m confident she will make a recovery and she IS in fact the one leading efforts on the zenin side. im rly hopeful she can take over the clan one day and no longer say she's not good enough

that stomach wound is bad news though so im wondering how she will come back from that,, that she didn't know her own father's abilities says a lot, too. i wonder if she could see the extension of his blade, or if she hasn't been able to see/understand many ppl abilities

im hopeful for next chp now. u can do it maki!!!!

flashing back on these bits, it makes more sense now why megumi wasn't melting down post-shibuya,, seems most information came to him in a sort of timely and calm way? also i rly have to wonder if gojou did not spend a decade plotting in front him bcs he's done it before,,,, like the whole clan head scene in megumi's middle school years....in a way i imagine he wouldve seen that gojou come out of the high school and watch him get more serious as he acquired even more skin in the game

all the time though i wonder abt megumi's tendency toward inertia and nonaction to things that would seemingly give him power and trying to understand it and that IS him being selfish and that IS,, imo the biggest indication of what he actually does or doesn't want. he wants it, he will act and work on it immediately himself. he doesn't like it? act like it doesn't exist. it make me want to shake him around like NO!! megumi pay attention!!! But his reaction to this clan stuff is a contrast to his behavior in recent chapters imo

and more mahjong references,,, between this and yuuji’s pachinko,, i wonder abt the undercurrent of gambling haha. a gamble for the shaman world and who will come out on top? a contrast to the flowy ocean imagery that connects shaman stuff out to the rest of the world

also this ,,,, there's that one jp tweet (i cant find it again😞) that talks about how toji, as the point of distortion, created megumi, who is currently playing a potential convergence/healing/uniting role (if he actually takes it on as a responsibility lol) and connects this back to the medicine buddha,,, whose mudra (hand sign) is used for chimera shadow garden. with the commentary abt ppl with heavenly restriction needing to know what to throw away in order to become strong or tap into their full strength and toji’s commentary at the end of fight with gojou,, i actually always felt that toji died not having been entirely resolved with himself bc he talks abt going against the self that decided to forget abt self-respect, to live without thinking abt himself or others,,, in a way, living selfishly, for himself, by ignoring anything immediate and i think he succeeded for a while bc he didnt even remember megumi's name. he remembers it when he talks to getou abt him being thankful for toji not killing him bc of potential drawbacks

and at the very end he thinks of megumi again and that last act does think of someone else, like a "life before your eyes" moment where toji thinks about how the zenin's treatment of him led him there or how his return to shibuya ends with him remembering how he gave megumi back to the zenin,,, i think atm of his death he was starting to think he did want to care, in a different way, or that he needed a different paradigm. or,, maybe he was just starting to realize how far the zenin thinking had set into him

so we dont rly talk abt that being an enlightenment moment for toji but i kind of think it was. that megumi has the potential to become a pivotal piece as a legacy of distortion is interesting. i dont actually think toji set up everything intentionally bc he didnt know megumi's ability, and i dont think he wouldve thought that far. i think a lot of the heir and inheritance stuff is sth naobito set in after seeing megumi's development under gojou. it's clear now everyone has been keeping eyes on everyone else

at some point there's some interesting discussion to be had abt megumi and privilege - i'm surprised the canon characters dont hate him more for having stuff just fall into his lap, and so i liked that maki pointed this out that he could use this and he shld bc theres a frustration there - and yet at the same time megumi himself seemingly feels very little attachment to the zenin and the shaman world still. he just cares abt his little circle of people, and it's a very intentional choice, based on his good/bad ppl thing

u cant really affect the entire world, but u can assert urself on the environment around u and decide what u do and dont act on. this part of megumi is more teenage boy and kind of toji-like, i think,,, hence the emphasis on action

u express ur effect and existence through action, who u kill or who u save. toji having very little, while so much falls into megumi's lap while he doesn't want it, doesn't want to acknowledge it, likely doesn't want to take part in a system he doesn't like or, having been raised under gojou's wing, resents or finds corrupt or useless, or doesn't even think on bc he thinks its above his pay grade and gojou's there - this is also megumi's moment to solidify his own direction and commit to working in the system or out of it

the "not caring" is a defensive measure in a way too, i think. i dont think megumi is Big Good and wants to save everyone and everything and the world to be good and pure, i tend to think of him as a resigned chaotic neutral, who wishes he could be good orz

ANYWAY i think there's some interesting juxtapositions with the whole toji > megumi thing, that someone who is born without, restricted, births and creates someone full of blessings. its very shaman-like, action then reaction

AND i wish u luck on ur final paper (bless ur eyes to see incels bc i’ll just log off for the day when i saw one (1) of them on the net) AND DONT FORGET TO TAKE A REST,, the self care is much needed me thinks <333 (2) - 🐱

i love u 🥺🥺😭😭😭 you take care of yourself too!!!

also ur right...all this political intrigue im so curious i need to know how the jujutsu world is structured in terms of the higher ups and the clans. like i assumed that the three clan elders WERE to some extent also part of the higher ups???? but now it seems that the higher ups are a separate entity altogether, so like checks and balances i suppose. except both the higher ups and the clans are corrupt so no balance there 😭

the chapter implied the zenins are losing when it comes to the power struggle between the three clans. im interested. i want to see them all rot!!! like i also said though it’s going to be interesting to see the state of the kamo clan though, considering “noritoshi kamo.” like what do you even say to that???? im going to be surprised if it doesn’t affect their standing in the jujutsu world but then again the kamo clan IS one of the big three.

megumi really is a character that was blessed in all regards but like. doesn’t want anything to do with it LOL he really said ‘this is a pain no thanks.’ like gojo like megumi i suppose. i agree with u the whole toji and megumi set up....genius....i also love their juxtaposition. it’s so interesting and another source of irony.

#MAKI THOUGH......MAKIIIIIII #that stomach wound was worrying tbh at first i was like??? what is that panel even. but now.......ughhhhhh #🐱 anon

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xoruffitup · 5 years ago

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Adam in Burn This (6/12)

I saw Burn This again on June 12th and HOO BOY, for this show I’ve got nothing but flail! I think I’ve already worked through most of my critical analyst urges already, so this is gonna be just pure, chaotic Adam fangirling. :’)

The man was robbed of his Tony. Pale is this character who I would absolutely hate on the page or in abstract. But then Adam, the utter jerk, barges and flails his way on stage and makes Pale so human and compelling and just absolutely riveting to watch that hating him becomes physically impossible. I mentioned before how the play functions to make the audience Anna’s proxy (down towards the end of the second section here), and never has that been truer than last night. I literally was Anna, okay. I was repelled and intimidated and scandalized by Pale’s uncontrollable, massive presence; his encroaching, searing physicality; his unpretentious, guileless anger and passions and frenetic creative energy.

One second, you’re watching this massive brickhouse tumble into crying, sniffling pieces so vulnerable and wrecked it could tear your heart out. The next he’s cracking a joke, flirting, cussing, and every single swing is so bracingly authentic that you’re literally pulled to the edge of your seat, unsure if in attraction or revulsion. Either way, you’re along for the wild ride with him every step of the way, feeling the same conflicted and unwilling compulsion towards him Anna is. Pale doesn’t just unwittingly seduce Anna; Adam absorbs every single audience member’s attention like a black hole and before you know it the audience is caring for him even before they have any hope of deciding whether they even like him. (Evidenced by the collective gasp of fear that rises from the audience when Pale, drunk, climbs outside onto a fire escape.) To call him magnetic, electric, a revelation to watch – They’re all woefully inadequate descriptions. He’s a literal inferno, blazing even when he’s silent.

So even though I have yet to reach a personal resolution on whether I accept Pale from an ethical perspective, I am nevertheless complete trash for him because Adam really leaves me no choice in the matter. Damn him. <3

Last night I sat in the upper balcony for the first time, but my friend brought binoculars we passed back and forth (lol, yes really) and I actually saw so many new, detailed nuances to Adam’s acting. I’ll go through the moments that really stood out – though it’s honestly hard to pick because he really is that Extra during the entire damn play.

Act 1

When he puts his leg up on the couch to show Anna how “fucked up” his pants are, then kind of realizes he’s standing there with his leg all weird up on the couch, asking her to look at his pants… Then just smoothly lifts his leg over the table before he lowers it, then makes the coyest face ever at her while he does this slow, deliberate twirl with the most shit-eating look on his face. The audience dies, then he cracks “I coulda been the dancer,” and the audience falls apart again.

The way you can feel his momentum and buzzing energy begin to darken, right before he breaks down completely. When he stops pacing around for the first time and his voice changes, going soft as the guilt and sorrow creeps up on him in the form of physical pain he feels driving straight through his heart. And it’s alarming, when he goes still for the first time.

I swear I’ve never seen him cry so much as last night. Once he broke down, the sniffling was constant, with these utterly, completely broken sounds mixed in whenever he tried to talk.

“Nah, this ain’t me…” “I’m trying to picture him here.”

And he keeps aggressively pushing his hair back while he’s crying, as if he can force the tears away with brute force.

OKAY so watching their first kissing scene through a pair of binoculars was like being personally undressed and ravished, holy god. A bomb could have gone off in the theater and he wouldn’t have looked away from her, he had such consuming focus. When he slides close to her, the first thing he does is slowly lift a hand to touch her hair, his eyes darting between where his fingers brush the strands and her face, gauging her reaction. And then when he leans in so slowly for the kiss, watching her first before his attention shifts to her mouth, and the kiss is slow and deep and….

Yeah I felt things.

From up in the balcony.

Adam’s kissing sex appeal is literally so flaming strong, I felt that heat from the damn balcony. I dare you to show me another man with such raw, intense sex appeal. Go on, I’ll wait. He asks her, “You okay?” when he pulls back, and she says in a sort of daze, “I’m fine.”

….Girl, I feel it too.

AHEM ANYWAY MOVING ON.

And then in the next scene, as if totally oblivious that he’s a literal tornado of sex, he just sweeps out the door with an over-the-shoulder “Alright I’m outta here” and it’s so blasé and masterfully hilarious.

Act 2 When he’s laying on the couch alone, half-asleep, and starts vaguely waving his arm in an attempt to remove invisible blankets. Then, without a single word, he reduces the entire audience to hysterics when he spends a solid two minutes pulling at the collar of his coat in a completely futile effort to take it off. That’s the level acting we’re dealing with here. He’s one-hand fighting his own coat and trying so damn hard and it’s the most entertaining thing of your entire year like WHAT EVEN.

God alsdfjsdlakjf okay when he comes out in the kimono robe and it’s open at first, for like 30 blissful seconds that massive, toned chest is out there to see above those tight black briefs and it is SO MUCH I blacked out and couldn’t even process the sight the first time I saw the play. …. Then he closes the robe, carefully ties it, fights with the sleeves because they clearly aren’t built for massive fuckin arms like his, and in an instant he’s the softest being I’ve ever seen and I’m confused as hell as to how I’m aroused and ‘omg bb’ adoring at the same time??? I think I need therapy? Or Adam needs to stop being massive and sexy but also awkward and soft at the same time, for the sake of my sanity?

I fail to imagine an image that will make my life more than giant Adam in this tiny bright purple silk kimono that barely reaches his thighs, bare foot, tying a dish towel around a pot of tea he just made like a tea cozy, then oh so carefully carrying the tea pot over to the table with his one arm still out of the sleeve and this look of intense focus on his face. I was overwhelmed and could not even begin to name the feels.

Let’s make it even WORSE shall we? When he hands Anna a cup of tea, kisses her forehead twice, says “That tea’s no good for a bad stomach. You want some milk?” then strokes her hair back, then asks “You want some eggs?”

GOD PALE GET OUT WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT

(^ We are all Anna)

The part where he sneakily picks up the phone to eavesdrop on Anna and Burton’s phone conversation, and stays completely silent for a long minute before hilariously bursting out, “YA GOT SOMETHIN’ TO SAY, BRUCE?!” And then AND THEN Anna angrily storms out of the bedroom and the bastard hides his face behind the empty robe sleeve and bats his eyelashes at her and bends at the knees in this cutesy little sorority girl squat and IM….?! “Real cute,” Anna says, trying real hard to be unimpressed, while the audience is in an uproar and everyone’s desperately trying to process all these newfound perplexing Adam Driver feels (WELCOME TO HELL, BITCHES. IT DOESN’T GET BETTER)

Okay okay there are SO many juicy bits during the exchange when Anna’s explaining she wants things to end between them. I was watching through the binoculars and when Anna says, “We’re apples and oranges.” He immediately gets this hella adorable smirk when he goes, “Oh yeah? Who’s the apple and who’s the orange?” Then the smirk grows when he’s all “Ever had an apple tart glazed with marmalade?” And then he’s just grinning because he’s so damn proud of how clever he is and he’s still in the FUCKIN purple kimono and he is ridiculous, I’d hate it if he didn’t own me body and soul.

Then it gets BETTER when he says, “You told me you ain’t been with no one else since you was with me a month ago. Me either. I figure one more time and we’ll have ourselves a hat trick.” And oh my GOD the shit eating grin! He looks at Larry, just grinning like a 5 year old and Larry gives him this hysterical disapproving, unamused shake of his head, but Pale just looks back at Anna full-on sunshine smiling and I’m like WHY ARE U MY PERSONAL BABY

(PS: JJ – That is what we need to see on Ben Solo’s face in TROS. You better deliver!)

He says some of my favorite dialogue here – The bit about “people walking down the street don’t mean a thing they’re doing.” He grows somber here, and this is a portion of the play’s call to its characters to strive for both emotional and artistic authenticity no matter what the price.

And then the scene gets heavy…. He stands up, disappears to get partially dressed, comes out, they start arguing, he’s still determined to make her see what’s clearly between them… And then she drops the definitive bomb over everything: “I don’t like you and I’m frightened of you.”

I watched his face through the binoculars while she delivered the blows, and it was literally like seeing a candle snuffed out. His expression melted like ice – Resolute and hard and determined one moment, and the next moment her words rush over and visibly crush him as the certainty melts from his face and leaves him empty and shell-shocked. Three seconds of silence when nothing moves but the set of his mouth and the light and strength in his face, but you’ve seen a grown man utterly crushed.

Ah, the last scene. In the first performance it was devastatingly, beautifully heartbreaking. In later performances it was humorous even while tragically inevitable. Either way, it’s brilliantly written and exquisitely acted. (Though as I’ve expressed before, I do prefer the more serious, helplessly sad versions.) I’ve never seen the two of them clutch each other as desperately and heart-rendering tenderly as they did in this performance. She fell into him on the couch, and he cradled her entire body to himself – Reaching a hand down to her thigh to pull her across his lap so his arms could engulf her entirely. They rocked together, and she clutched his arms still tighter to herself, and he kissed all over her hair while they made sounds near tears. And then Pale does break open a bit with something approaching a sob, before he curses and objects “I’m gonna cry all over your hair.”

But he only holds her tighter, as if they’ve both lost all conscious control over their bodies at this point, in the face of the all-powerful compulsion drawing them into each other’s orbits. The ending of this performance was absolutely stunning, leaving you with a myriad of unraveled emotions that are at once painfully incomplete and ill-defined, and yet just as bitingly complex and untamable as the most compelling moments of reality.

Over all, it’s nothing short of incredible to see how Adam continuously succeeds in upping his game throughout the course of the play’s run. He already brought the house down at the very first preview, and yet he manages to find new twists and interpretations to embody each and every time. What struck me this time is how boldly natural he’s become in the role – The way he leans into the accent like he’s really spent his entire damn life using the hard edges of the pronunciation like verbal brass knuckles. Adam has gotten to the point where just a single emphasized vowel sound brings the audience to hysterics:

“I heard that mollaaases you were pourin’ over maaam. Needed a shot o’ insulin.”

“Good niiiight, sleep tiiiiight.”

“Drinkin’ and thinkin’, man. Worse than drinkin’ and drivin’.”

“Fuckin’ hate Christmas. Look out… ribbons.”

“Get outta here; You’re useless!”

“Lemon will kill yaaa!”

“That was me and youuu up there.”

He has mastered how to pitch his voice for perfect, killer comedic effect. What’s more is how effortless he makes it seem; How utterly guileless. How he can swing from ugly crying to casual insensitive quip in the span of a minute, and make it just seem like the routine (if highly irregular) over-active synapses of a guy on coke. Even just his body language, the way he paces around the apartment in Act 1, completely out of sorts and out of his depth, like he’s never seen a coat rack or a stove before; A physical embodiment of his discomfiture with the emotions that don’t feel like they belong within him. His presence is imposing and even threatening, and yet his body language is alert and defensive, sometimes even self-flagellate. He embodies so many idiosyncrasies and tensions, it’s easy to see why his emotions burst from him in such tidal, chaotic floods.

I’m so thankful to have tickets to the final performance next month! I shudder to think of the feels I will drown in over how absolutely legend-level powerful Adam’s performance will be at that point. What a talent. What a man.

I’d be overjoyed to receive any and all questions/thoughts about the play! :) Thanks for reading!

#Adam Driver #Burn This #Burn This Broadway #driverdaily #Pale

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hareblazer · 5 years ago

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and they cried holy holy holy

its very hard existing in a world that doesnt love you

fic focused on the affects of the religious south via larrys childhood + internalized homophobia now. tw for religious trauma, homophobia, the q slur, implied child abuse, self harm, implied suicide. separated into 6 parts.

all of these things are pretty normal for the time/context/situation i promise i didnt go ape shit on him ctvgbhn

im gay. some things were minorly edited because of my own experiences. all conversations are inspired heavily by convos ive had.

ONE

“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” The pastor had told him. “Queers go to hell. It is the will of God.” Larry’s mother elbowed him, a way of saying this included him. “Join me in prayer so the sinners may reach Salvation and Repentance.” He raised his arms, framing the holy cross behind him. “Peace be with you.”

“And also with you.” All stood. Except Larry.

“God is Good.” He said.

“All the time.” All prayed. Except Larry. His father glared at him. He could feel the eyes of everyone around him- even if they weren’t looking- he knew what they thought of him. He wished he was good and pure. He wanted nothing more than to be loved by God like everyone else was. But he was just a sinner. A blemish on the tapestry of God’s vision.

None of that was true, of course, but as an 11 year old in the deep south in 1935- he had no choice but to believe.

“Larry.” His father whispered angrily. “Stand. Up. Now.”

“I don’t wanna.” Larry whispered back. He didn’t. He was tired. Ever since his parents found out about his preference for boys they had woken him up early almost every morning to pray- to be reminded of his damnation- to go to church and be told over and over again he was unnatural. He was so tired.

“Larry. If you don’t stand right now- You’ll be choosing a switch when we get home.”

“I’m tired-” He kicked his feet.

“Lawrence Michael Trainor.” His mother hissed. “You’re embarrassing us.” Larry could hear a waver in her voice.

“-in God’s name, amen.” The pastor finished.

“Amen.”

“You are dismissed.”

“Bless you, father.” someone behind Larry said. He couldn’t see very well through his own tears. He couldn’t help but feel like it was all his fault. Now was, in Larry’s opinion, one of the worst parts of church. His parents beelined to Benjamin Quincy’s- probably to tell them to keep their son away from him. Again. Larry could already hear them berating Ben’s poor father- accusing them of turning their sweet son to the Devil and a path of damnation.

This was almost 90 years ago, but Larry could remember it like it was yesterday. He’d never admit it- but sometimes he still felt like that scared boy praying for a salvation that’ll never come.

Chief had bought him a bible, when he first moved into the manor, thinking it would remind him of home. He didn’t know, of course, the kind of history Larry had with religion- but it was enough to release the spirit on a rampage. Chief thought that was interesting. Larry thought it was a headache- literally and metaphorically. He actually wasn’t sure where it was now, actually. It had disappeared mysteriously years ago- after he had given Rita a vague idea of how his childhood was. He never looked for it.

It wasn’t until the patrol had to go into a church that Larry really thought about this again. Ordinarily he pretends it never happened- that he never had a childhood at all. It was easier than having to face it. He forgot why, exactly, they were there- but-

“Larry?” Cliff turned back, already halfway through the doors. Larry had stopped about ten feet off- Jane near him. “You coming?”

“Ah.” was all he could say in reply. This looked like his old one. His lungs felt like they were full of water. Jane tilted her head at him. She had a reason to hate this place- not to say he probably didn’t have one too- but she had definitely never heard about this before. “I.”

“We have two people against this stuff, now?” Cliff. He meant well, but he was about as sensitive as a brick. “What happened to you?”

Larry said nothing. Jane stepped up. “He doesn’t have to tell you. Just- go without us.” Cliff did the closest thing to a shrug he could do and left. Larry wanted to thank Jane- in his own quiet way- but he was a little overwhelmed for that. God. He could still hear the pastors words stinging his heart. He felt Jane’s eyes on him.

Repent, old sinner. Repent and be redeemed.

“Fuck.” Larry turned and walked away. “Fuck!”

“I guess the church screwed both of us over.” Jane crossed her arms. Larry only sighed.

“It screws everyone over. Whether they realize it or not.”

“Hm.” Jane agreed. “It’s a fucked up institution.” Larry’s chest glowed gently.

“God. I want to go back to the manor.” He placed a hand on his chest, trying to soothe the spirit. “Take a nap.”

“Me too.” Jane leaned against a wall.

They stood in silence, before Larry spoke again.

“The church by my house looked like this. Growing up.” He glanced back at it for a moment. “God. I hated that place.”

Jane watched him for a moment. They were the two most closed off people in the manor- this was literally the most he had ever said about himself to her.

“Boring?”

“I guess.” Larry did not say it was because they hated him. He did not say that the priest told him he deserved damnation. He did not say that he still had nightmares about it. “I was. Not well liked, I guess.”

“Oh.” Jane did not share her own trauma related to it. She couldn’t. She didn’t want to. “Are you still…?”

“God, no. I’m not a fan of- any of it, really. I don’t know.” He tries to tell her without really saying anything at all. “They. Really. Don’t like the kind of person I am. Is all.”

“Me neither.” She nodded. This conversation was so. Fucking. Awkward. But it was still the most they had talked in a long time. “Bad church experiences club.”

Larry chuckled. “Bad church experiences club.”

TWO

Larry was in class. Thirteen years old and already fully aware of his fate. Homosexuality is an abomination, he knew. God does not make mistakes, he knew. So why is he cursed with these feelings?

“God created all creatures in the Beginning-” his teacher was explaining in the background. Larry had heard this story a million times- both in and out of church. He was daydreaming about the boy who sat in front of him- he had the bluest eyes, and- no. No. Larry couldn’t think like that. That was a sin. He mentally scolded himself for letting his guard down. He had to have a wife. A family- or suffer for all eternity.

“God is love,” said his teacher.

It doesn’t feel much like love to Larry.

He regretted doing this. Larry found himself standing in front of the team- during Cliff’s sudden group therapy session and subsequent freakout.

“Well.” He started, but paused. God. God. God. Why did he think he could do this? Why did he think it would be a good idea to come out? To let the only people he ever felt like he could trust learn his ugly, terrible truth and scorn him just as his own family did?

“I’m-”

“GAY!” Cliff interrupted suddenly. Larry froze. Oh god. Oh god. They knew. They KNEW. How did they know? No. Fuck. He was reading too far into this. Unless he wasn’t. The others protested Cliff’s outburst.

“Okay! I just thought Larry was about to come out- and it would’ve been so healing for him!”

Larry is thankful for the bandages covering his tears.

"I think all I wanted to say was...it gets lonely, not touching anyone for 60 years. the last person I ever touched was John Bowers. I- I loved him. and I drove him away." Larry hoped that was vague enough. God. He could see it now- remembering how his parents reacted when they figured it out for themselves- how the church had reacted- how the other boys had reacted- how he had joined the army in an effort to make himself more masculine, more straight- he couldn’t help but think about all the possible ways he could kill himself right here right now.

“I knew it.” Cliff stood. Larry panicked. “I just want you to know that you’re loved- and accepted-” He hugged Larry, and Larry didn’t know what to do.

He’d never been offered acceptance before. How do you react to that?

“I’m not done.” He snapped. It was the best he knew how to do.

“I’m only sharing this because it’s the thing Mr. Nobody shoved in my face.” A clarification he knew this was immoral. He knew he was wrong. “What’s left, of my face.”

Pause.

“That was a joke. God- these bandages are the death of all nuance.” He failed to lighten the mood. He could feel everyone’s judgement, burning his skin like the fire did so many years ago. “Look. If Mr. Nobody’s goal is to torture me, well- I’ve been doing his work for him. Whipping myself in a- a prison of my own making.” Fuck. That sounded kind of cliche.”And wh- what if I trusted John, what if I’d been more brave- and guess what? I’m sick of it! I’m not just hurting myself- I’m hurting this thing inside of me and it’s hurting me back, endlessly, until there’s so much self-loathing I can barely breathe.” He’s trying so, so hard not to break down. He returns to his spot on the couch and slumps, already tuned out and waiting for his inevitable punishment.

He’s only greeted with Rita’s hand on his back, a small comfort, but a welcome one nonetheless.

THREE

The last time Larry was in love was with John. It was, admittedly, most of what he thought about, these days- but it was the only time he could ever exist in peace around another person. Even if John was a little too open for Larry’s comfort, he was comfortable in his own skin during the rare times they could sneak a moment together.

He missed John so, so much. Not only because he loved him- though that was a big part- but because he missed feeling safe. He missed feeling loved. He missed feeling anything at all.

“So. You’re gay?” Cliff had asked, one morning.

“Yes.” Larry answered, a little too shortly.

“Aren’t you from- like- the 30s?”

“Yes.” Larry said again, knowing full well what question was going to come next.

“Did your parents-” Cliff paused, trying to find the words. “Take it well? How did you- do that? Back then?”

Larry didn’t answer, at first. He actually had no idea what Cliff was referring to. “What?”

“Y’know- you said you had a boyfriend? John? How did you hide it? Since homosexuality was, like- illegal.”

Larry considers losing it. “They. Did not take it well.” He started, failing to mention how most parents in the day had a habit of ‘beating the queer’ out of their children. “We hid it with difficulty. I mean- we risked getting murdered- or worse, if we were caught.”

“Damn.” Cliff said. “That’s rough.”

“Yeah.” Larry sighed. He hated this conversation so much. “I married a girl I knew right out of high school- that was normal, back then- but I guess I thought if I just forced myself into it I’d turn straight, or something?”

“Did it work?”

“No. I cheated on her for years with other men and ruined my family.”

“Oh.” Cliff feels so awkward. “I mean- I did that too. Cheated on my wife. But I didn’t have a good reason for it. Like you did.”

“Cliff, I didn’t have a good reason. I don’t know what you mean by that.”

“Sure you did! I mean- cheating at all is a dick move, no matter what- but, like, you’re gay. And you got forced to marry a woman so you wouldn’t die.”

“Cliff-”

“And gay marriage is legal now! So- like- it got better! Gay rights!”

“It’s legal?”

“Yeah! In 2015- thought we celebrated it! But then you wouldn’t leave your room because you were sad about something again, and then Jane-”

“It’s legal now.” Larry said again, not listening to anything Cliff was saying. “Holy shit.”

“-Then Hammerhead threw me across a room and Chief had to wire my legs back on.”

“I hated myself so fucking much for- so long-” Larry’s face is unreadable to Cliff. “The number of times I considered killing myself because I thought there was no other option- and it’s been legal for almost five years. And I didn’t know about it.”

“How did you find out you were. You know?” Cliff asked, trying to avoid talking about Larry’s apparent suicidal tendencies.

“What?”

“How did you know you were gay?”

“Oh. I mean- when I was a kid it was pretty watered down- but I never liked the idea of having a wife or a girlfriend like everyone expected me to. In middle school, though? The boy’s locker room was definitely an eye-opener- and in my twenties I-” Larry was not going to finish that sentence. Cliff hadn’t unlocked that part of his backstory yet. “God. I tried to repress it for so long, though. It’s really weird, having other people know.” Larry’s chest glowed gently.

“It’s okay, now. There’s even gay hookup apps, and stuff. I bet Vic could help you set one up.”

Larry shrunk into his coat. He could barely handle seeing a man in shorts, the other day. He really didn’t think he was ready for this. “Cliff. I’m not. I can’t do this.”

“Why not? You’re free to be yourself!”

“Cliff. It’s been ingrained in me since I was a kid that being gay was some- awful, horrible thing. This- acceptance? It’s too new to me. I’m not ready to embrace it. I can’t.” I can’t go to hell, was what Larry was thinking. I can’t do that. “Ninety years of- of repression- and self hatred- and hiding- and all of that, I can’t just- bounce back, Cliff. I need time to think about this.”

“Do that! You can talk to me, if you need to, Larry!”

“Maybe I will.”

FOUR

Larry was 16 when he hurt himself for the first time. It wasn’t on purpose- he was trying to whittle a little plane in class when he sliced his thumb- but he never really stopped. He felt like he deserved it- maybe the sins he held would leave his body, dripping like blood down his arms. Or maybe he just wanted to feel something other than shame. Either way- it was the one thing he could feel totally in control of. Something that finally felt justified. Unlike his unwavering attraction toward the other boys in his classes- like the now-constant disdain of his parents- unlike the smile his first kiss gave him before they left each other behind. His parents never actually knew about this habit, but Larry convinced himself they did.He told himself this was what they really wanted- between the constant threats of going to hell, or the reminders he’s ruining their perfect family- maybe they did just want him to hurt. Suicide, back then, was almost unthinkable. Nowadays, Larry considers it often. -

Rita noticed something was- more off than usual. Larry had always been a melancholic person, but even Cliff had realized Larry not leaving his room for three days wasn’t normal. She eventually took it upon herself to drag him out of whatever slump he had gotten himself into, again- whether he liked it or not.

“Larry?” She called through his doors. Sound didn’t travel well through all that- but she was very good at being heard when she wanted to be. “Larry!”

Larry did not answer. He was bandaged, luckily, as he knew Rita would inevitably come storming in, but he didn’t want her to see the blood seeping through. He had relapsed, again, though he had nobody left to report it to with the Chief gone. That was for the best, he thought. “LARRY!” Rita knocked on the door. “I’m coming in there!”

Larry groaned. He wasn’t sure why he wasn’t stopping her. He could easily just say it would be too dangerous, or-

He could hear the decontamination chamber hiss. Fuck. He had to clean himself up fast.

“Can you- wait just a-” Too late. Rita entered, concerned. “Fuck.”

“Ah.’ Rita started, but paused, seeing Larry’s red bandages. “Larry. What were you doing in here?” Larry kicked the pocketknife he dropped under his dresser.

“Nothing.”

“Larry. You’re a terrible liar and I just watched you hide something. What did you do?”

Larry shifted his weight nervously. Everyone else he was positive wouldn’t care too much about this- though, of course, that wasn’t even remotely true- but Rita?

“I.” Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. How is he supposed to tell her he was just cutting up his own arms in an attempt to feel better about himself? To punish himself for being gay? How do you say that casually? “I was.”

“You were?” In truth, Rita already had an idea what he was doing. She just needed him to admit he needed help.

Larry avoided eye contact, though that was invisible to Rita through his goggles. “I was. Dealing with. Things.” He can feel the dams breaking. He really, really does not want to cry to Rita right now.

“Dealing with what?” Come on, Larry.

“Shit.” was all he could get out before he started sobbing. Rita sighed and put her hand on his back, like she always did when he has a hard time. This was not the first time she’s seen him at his lowest, and she knew it wouldn’t be her last. It used to be a mystery to her- she always knew he was hiding something important about himself, but what it was, exactly, she couldn’t guess. Now that he came out, though, she had a whole new perspective on it all.

This explained a lot, actually. She had thrown away the bible Chief had gifted him, because she knew he did not like the church, though she didn’t understand why until now. He had always avoided talking about relationships at all, and would shut down when asked about his past. Larry didn’t know that she knew about the times he would hobble gingerly toward Chief’s lab, blood dripping from his limbs and the burden of being a sinner on his mind. Larry was especially bitter toward the spirit, after those nights. Now Rita knew how he was so sure it won’t let him die.

“It’s okay, Larry.” was all she could think to say. “You’re safe, now.” He couldn’t answer past pulling her into a hug. Rita was pretty sure he was getting blood on her dress- but she didn’t mind. “I’d offer to patch you up, but I think you have enough bandages.”

Larry couldn’t help but laugh slightly at that. “God, Rita. I’m sorry. I hate to involve you in my own shit-”

“Larry. You’re my best friend and I care about you, even if you don’t care about you.”

“I know. I just- I should be over this already. I haven’t been to church in over sixty years- my parents have been dead for seventy- John’s already moved on- I just- goddammit, Rita. I’m lonely.” He pulls away to sit on his bed, head in his hands. “I haven’t touched another man in- god knows how long- and all I can think about is how wanting to is in itself a fucking abomination-”

“No.” Rita interrupted. “I’m not allowing that kind of negativity! It is not an abomination and you know it.” Larry only looked at her. “Now continue.”

“Uh. Okay. I miss- god, it sounds so stupid, but- I really miss-” He struggles to find the words. “Kissing men?”

Rita only nodded.

“I didn’t have the chance to- very often- but- god, Rita. There was this club- near one of my posts at the military. Before I met John. It wasn’t officially anything, but it was already a pretty established gay club. But, you know- it was more of a secret.”

“There was one of those near my apartment, you know.” Larry nodded.

“They were usually old speakeasies. But there was this man there- he was- he was really something, Rita. He was a regular, I think. Really tall.” Larry sighed wistfully. Rita smiled at him. She liked seeing him like that. Happy- or at least as close to happiness as she’d seen him get. “We spent… a lot of time together. Mostly in motel rooms.”

“What was his name?”

“I don’t remember. It was so long ago. I miss him anyway, though. Even if it was just a fling.”

“I understand.” Rita said, simply. “Have you considered- getting out there, again?”

“What, like dating? Cliff suggested it to me, but- I thought he was too enthusiastic about it. I don’t know.” It scared him, to be honest.

“I’m sure there are other gay metahumans.” Rita assured him. “With a tolerance for radiation.”

“It’s not them I’m worried about.”

“What, then?”

“How can someone love me when I can’t?” Larry was emotionless through the bandages, but Rita thought she could hear a frown. “I hate myself so. Fucking. Much, Rita. I can’t kill myself no matter how much I try- but what good is someone who’s only alive because something else is forcing them to be? Who would want that kind of baggage, Rita? Not even the fucking spirit can handle it, and it’s the thing keeping me this way.” His chest glowed.

“The first step is realizing you have a problem.”

“I realize I have a problem, Rita. I realized it when I was seven years old, thinking about some boy in my math class. I realized it every-goddamn-day when my own mother would cry and tell me she wished I’d never been born- that no matter what I did she would always love God more than me.” His voice wavered. “I realized it in church, and in school, and at home- every time the newspapers would come in with more horror stories about gay men found dead- every time a kid got the shit beat out of him by his own parents. It’s nobody’s fault but my own, Rita.” He huffed, and Rita faltered. She had never seen this from him before. “God-fucking-dammit! If I could’ve just been a normal person- for once in my goddamn life- god. Oh my god.” He stopped.

“Larry?”

“I fucking died, didn’t I?” He stood suddenly. “I died in that fucking plane crash and this is hell. I can’t die. I can’t touch anyone. I’m stuck wallowing in my own self-loathing like a fucking-”

“Larry.” Rita said again, firmly.

“And I deserve all of it! I destroyed everyone I ever loved! Just because I’m not attracted to women? Big fucking deal! I should’ve just sucked it up. I’m a fucking coward! I should’ve killed myself when I was twenty like I planned! But no. I was too scared. Fuck this! I-”

“Larry!” Rita half-yelled, stopping Larry mid sentence. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you are not helping yourself. Stop having a pity-party and listen to me.”

Larry didn’t answer. He was breathing shakily. Rita could tell he was likely crying under there again.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing!” She held up her hands. “I’m sorry you were told there was, but they were blatantly wrong. All of them. Liars.” She paused to watch him. He was standing as still as a statue, watching her silently. She hoped that meant he was listening. “I know it’s been ingrained into you. But you need to leave it behind. Stop dragging it with you. It will only hurt more. You’re accepted here, Larry. Nobody would even consider hurting you over something as simple as your sexuality. You don’t need to carry that weight anymore.”

Larry sighed. “I’m sorry, Rita. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“It’s okay, Larry. I can’t imagine what you could be going through- but I offer my support, nonetheless.”

“I.” He paused. “Thank you.”

FIVE

When Larry was in the ant farm, he did not fear the torture. He knew he had it coming, anyway. It was God’s Will.

“You transferred a lot, Larry.” Forsythe would say, through the glass. “You were running from something. I intend to find out what.”

“I wasn’t running from anything.” Larry would say, over and over again.

The truth was Larry was running. Every time he thought his secret would be compromised he ran. Every time a fling ended or a boyfriend left or any of his army friends even joked about him being gay- he ran.

Now he faced the consequences for his actions, and he understood.

“Larry.” Chief said, bringing him back to attention. “What’s troubling you?”

This was before it all went downhill. Before Larry would come out. Before Mr. Nobody would remind him of every mistake he’d ever made. Before everything.

“Nothing. Just- remembering, is all.” Larry answered, quietly. “Before the accident.”

“Before the accident?” Chief knew it wasn’t really an accident. Larry did not. “Are you ready to talk about it?”

“No.” Larry said, quickly. Chief already knew there was something about him and John. He couldn’t risk him figuring that out. “No. The past is- it’s already happened. It doesn't matter.”

“Oh, but it does, Larry.” Chief answered, in his usual way. “The past may not define us as much as the future, but it still needs to be learned from.” Larry sighed. He had heard this so many times.

“I did learn from it, Chief.” He learned very, very well. “It just sucks.”

“Is this about your friendship with John?” Larry froze. “I know you two were very… close.”

“We weren’t. I don’t want to talk about him.” He shrunk into his coat. Chief raised an eyebrow.

“You never want to talk about him, Larry. It’s not healthy.”

“It doesn’t matter. He’s probably dead, now.”

“Do you miss him?” Chief tilted his head. He knew there had to be a way to get through Larry’s shell. If he was to be a hero, like Niles intended, he had to face this head-on.

Larry took a moment before answering, assessing the risks. Was it too obvious to say yes? “...I do.” He paused. “A. Bit.”

Chief nodded. He was getting closer. “Quite a bit, you would say?”

It was Larry’s turn to nod, adrenaline flaring up hot in his chest. “We were friends. That’s it.”

“I wasn’t implying anything else.” Larry breathed in slightly. Chief could tell he was getting anxious. “Though- we both know- you two were… a bit more than friends, yes?”

“No. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t want to do this anymore.” Larry glanced around, starting to panic. “Whoever told you that, Chief- I- it’s not true. I didn’t even like him!” That was a bold lie. “I mean- if anybody was cheating- I mean- Sheryl and I were strained by the end of it-” He’s grasping for straws.

“Larry. We both know Sheryl was-” Chief was interrupted by a flash of light and Larry’s head slamming on the table. The spirit stood through the table, eyeing Chief down. He couldn’t tell how it was feeling- but judging from how agitated Larry had been beforehand, he didn’t think it was happy with him. No matter.

“There you are.” He started, but the spirit shook its head. “No? You don’t want to talk to me?” It shook its head again and held up a hand. “Oh. Who taught you the middle finger?” It tilted its head. Chief could feel it glaring daggers at him. “I’m sorry I hurt you. It’s important that Captain Trainor learn to-” The spirit had enough of that. It flew in a small circle around Chief, shorting out the lone light in the room. A threat. It knew Chief knew what it was capable of.

Larry awoke suddenly to Chief watching him. He must’ve needed the spirit for something- he doesn’t really know about John. He sighed, instinctively rubbing his goggles.

“That was… unintentional. I apologize, Larry.” Larry looked at him. What the fuck was he after? “Now- John-”

“No. Fuck, Niles. I’m not doing this.” Larry stood. “I’m not reliving my mistakes for you. I’m going to take a nap.”

“Larry. We both know it wasn’t a mistake.” Chief held out his hands. “You cheated on your wife. You hid. Why?”

“I did not cheat on Sheryl. I did not hide. Niles. I don’t know what you want from me, but I’m not going to-” He paused. “I’m not going to do this. I cared about her.” That, at least, was not a lie. “I loved her.” That was. “It’s over, now. I’m paying for what I did- who I was. Just- let that be.”

“Who were you, though?”

“I was a sinner, Chief.” Larry left.

SIX x3

“Sheryl.” Larry had said, so long ago. She looked over, glowing in the moon, her hair slightly in her face. He felt no attraction whatsoever for her. He tried to force himself to, anyway. It was sinful. He had to do this.

“I have something to tell you.”

“Yeah?” She smiled. She was his friend. He chose her only because she was the only girl he felt he could at least live with.

God. He felt sick. He knew this would hurt her, too. He didn’t want this.

“I love you.” Lying is a sin, too. A lesser of two evils, he had decided. Anything to avoid burning in hell. Anything. Just like his parents had told him. Just like the ministers said.

“Larry!” She had laughed. He felt like throwing up.

Outwardly, Larry had been untouched. Untainted by tragedy and self-hatred. Inwardly, he had become a flaming wreck long before that crash.

“Vic.” Larry stood in the doorway, nervously. “Hey.”

“Hey, Larry.” Vic turned to give him a wave. “What’s up?”

“Well. I. Uh.” Larry paused. This was terrifying. “You know- computers and stuff, right?”

“Uh- yeah! What do you need?” Vic looks at him for a moment. He really didn’t mind helping everyone with modern technology! He just never really realized how old everyone was until he was explaining to Larry how color TVs worked- or that cocaine was not a viable medicine anymore to Rita.

“I. Want to meet people.” He held up his phone. “I don’t. Know how.”

“Oh. Where did you get that phone?”

“Rita said I could borrow it.”

“...Okay. What do you want me to do?” Vic hasn’t dated since he was in high school. What was Larry expecting from him?

“Cliff said there are apps for it. For men. Meeting. Other. Men.” Larry is gritting his teeth. “You know computers. I want to. Download one.”

“Oh. Oh! I can help you with that. To an extent.” Vic clarified. “I’ll only help you set up and show you how to use it- the chatting is up to you.”

“Okay.” Larry handed him the phone.

“What are you after? There’s apps for metahumans, and gay people- I’m pretty sure there’s one for veterans-”

“Well. I guess I’d need. The metahuman one. Since they’d need. Some kind of.” He held up his hands. “Immunity.”

“Right.” Vic did not like that implication. “Does Rita know you want to hook up with guys through her phone?”

“Yes. She helped me prepare for this conversation.” Larry shuffled his feet nervously. “It. Did not work. Still awkward.”

“You two are close. Okay- so I downloaded an app called Metameet- it’s mainly for metahumans but there’s an option for gay members. You’re- what, 95? So I already set your username as larrytrainor. That’s usually what- people around your age do.”

“I’m 92. Though the accident was when I was 30-something.”

“Okay. I’ll put that as your age. And. Probably mention that you’re immortal.”

“No. Wait.” Larry put his hand on Vic’s shoulder. “Don’t put that I’m gay. Please.”

“Larry, it’ll say you’re a man seeking a man either way.”

“I know. I just- I can’t be gay. I can’t.” He nearly gagged on the word both times. Vic only looked at him.

“...Okay.” He hit the backspace button. “What’s your problem with it?”

Larry froze. Over the past month he’s had to explain this- five times? “Uh. I.” Fuck. Fuck! He doesn’t deserve this. “It’s just not allowed. I’m not- I’m not supposed to be- into men.”

“You know that’s not true, right?” Vic gave him a confused look. “You… are allowed to be gay, Larry.”

“It’s not like that. I-” He breathed in. “I guess you’re a little too young to really get it.”

“Try me.”

“In the 30s and 40s when I was a kid- it wasn’t- legal. To like. Others. Of the same sex.”

“Yeah?”

“Everyone was really religious, too. So. As hard as I tried to hide it- my parents eventually figured it out. I was 11. After that it just-” He paused. Vic nodded.

“Oh. We learned about that in history in high school.”

“Yeah. It was pretty common for parents to try and beat it out of us.” He paused. “Didn’t work.”

“I’m sorry about that.” Vic started-

“It’s fine. It doesn’t matter, now.”

“Okay.” A pause. “I’m going to put ‘radiation immunity’ as a must.”

“That’s a good idea.” Another pause.

“Can I ask…?”

“Ask what?”

“How did you meet him?”

Larry went silent for a minute, and Vic was scared he made him sad again, somehow.

“We were in the same squadron.” He started slowly, remembering. “He wasn’t my first, honestly- but he was the- he was the one I really loved. I- honestly? If it wasn’t- literally illegal- and I was already married- I probably would have-” He stopped. He never said that out loud.

“That’s. That’s rough, Larry.” He stopped to think. “You can do that now, you know.”

“Yeah. I think- I think that’s why I’m doing this.” A pause.

“I think I’m ready to live the way I always wanted to.”

#fic #doom patrol #dp #larry trainor #fanfiction

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shadowonaqua · 6 years ago

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Initiative, perseverance, epiphany, and trust (My thoughts on Free! Dive to the Future - Episodes 7 and 8)

So I’m finally back after a long cram session! There were so many emotions and interactions that came to light in the last two episodes, so we have a lot to cover! But first, we see a new face come to the main screen.

This is a little long, but I hope it can be a good ride for y’all!

Starting from the end of episode 6 into the start of episode 7, we officially meet Ryuuji, a wandering former swimmer coach who hates mackerel saunters into Haru’s life through Asahi’s brother-in-law. Other than Makoto, we are the first to see that Haru asks this slightly-scruffy and enigmatic man to coach him (all in exchange for food as payment... oh, how I wished for that kind of bargain to work in real life).

Now that is initiative. Seeing how the entire series emphasized Haru’s love of water and aloof attitude towards life in general, this is huge.

Not only that, Haru is getting extra lessons for the sake of Ikuya. Just as Haru’s dear friends saved him back in high school when he was lost and trapped by pressure, Haru is now extending his hand out to help Ikuya in his own way. As we find out just a few minutes later, the fact that Haru is going completely outside of his comfort zone to help a friend shows to us how much he has grown as an individual and as a friend. The current Haru knows the value of friendship, and has come to accept the huge role that friendship has on his ability to swim. We have seen throughout this episode just how strong of a swimmer Haru is, and so we must remember the journey that Haru went through to get to this stage. Although Haru may not know how lonely Ikuya is feeling since he hasn’t had a chance to speak to Ikuya in person (also, how sad is it when someone says that he or she don’t know what friends are anymore?), Haru seems to have realized to a certain extent how his swimming brings light to his friends’ lives. So, as Nao puts it, Haru must help in the best way that he can.

In life, we’re often told to take initiative of our own lives in order to achieve our goals, whether in our careers or in our personal lives. Not too often do we completely change our regular routine just for a friend, but if a friend is important enough to us, we may be more than willing to do just that. Haru has evolved into a selfless individual who is willing to go above and beyond for his friends, and in this sense he is a great role model for us to look up to. His perseverance in trying to repair his friendship with Ikuya despite the shade thrown at him a few weeks back shows a maturity that many eighteen-year-olds don’t exhibit. Furthermore, the positive attitude that Haru has towards improving his own swimming shows a growth that I am sure many of us anticipated and welcomed, for he is branching out and evolving as a swimmer worthy for the world stage. Once again, this anime is expressing the nuances of adulthood through exploration of new avenues, taking initiative to achieve our goals, and persevering through any challenges that are thrown our way. These concepts are pervasive through much of our lives, including Haru’s, and the massive improvement shown in Haru’s swimming is a testament to all the hard work he put in as he enters uncharted swimming territory for himself and for his dear friend.

(Before I continue, cue to how cute Kisumi is as he gets bored waiting for his friends to free up time, haha)

(Also, how great is Akane?! Her support for Asahi and his friends in their swimming careers is so endearing. And Tsukushi. OMG can I play with him?! Please don’t kick me in the face though, haha.)

And FINALLY, Asahi and Ikuya meet up, and that is where we first see in Ikuya’s own spoken words how confused and lonely he is. In this interaction, we notice just how much Asahi values his friends, and how he makes these thoughts so obvious to the viewer and to Ikuya. Despite years of not keeping in contact, Asahi views Ikuya as a dear friend, and he trusts Ikuya and the bond they had in middle school. Trust is a concept that Ikuya struggles with, and we could even see this come to light during High Speed! when Ikuya was unwilling to join the medley relay. Ikuya is an individual who wants to trust others from the bottom of his heart, but he also realized that his heart breaks little by little with each separation, starting from his older brother Natsuya. Since he is subconsciously afraid that all those he holds dear to him will leave him one day, Ikuya walled himself off from those around him and holds everyone at arm’s length. This makes Asahi the perfect foil to the current Ikuya, as Asahi’s innate trust in his friends and teammates are the best way for Ikuya to begin to realize that his friends are still there to lift him up.

Moving beyond Ikuya for just a moment, I want to appreciate the grit that Asahi shows towards his goals in swimming. As we hear from both himself and his sister, Asahi is cutting it close in his events with regards to times. As a former varsity swimmer myself, I know just how nerve-wracking this feeling is, as every millisecond counts in the world of swimming. But despite this, Asahi still keeps his goal to reach the world stage in mind and does not let the slow-but-gradual progress deter him. If anything, his motivation increases with each close shave that he has. For any of you who watched High Speed!, you’ll probably remember the Asahi who was hyper, overly-confident, and who did not have a clue about what self-reflection entails. You’ll probably also remember how Haru’s innate swimming ability literally made Asahi forget how to swim freestyle, and how distraught that made him. Yet, these experiences helped Asahi to mature and develop into the endearing character we know today, as he has grown into a natural leader who knows how to bring out the best in his friends (we have to give credit to Rei for giving him much-needed wise advice back in middle school, but seriously when are they going to meet?!), a more self-reflective but still-humorous individual who is aware of his own weaknesses, and an ever-growing swimmer who has never lost sight of his goals and so never gives up.

NOW WE’LL MOVE TO THE BIG MOMENT! Spoilers for Episode 8 are ahead, so if you haven’t watched yet, definitely watch first :D

Everyone is surprised when Haru and Ikuya are next to each other in the 400 IM. I mean, who wouldn’t be when the aloof main character of the series for 3+ years said that he only swims free?

And so we see Ikuya finally come to the realization that he isn’t alone. Yay, Ikuya! Considering that he is such a fragile person, the fact that Haru has once again saved him is endearing and nearly brought me to tears.

I mean, this:

And the fact that Haru is a softie who never forgets promises, even though he is sometimes not great at keeping them until several years later:

And this. I nearly cried myself:

I am so happy for Ikuya, and Haru, and all friends who are involved. Everyone who even knows an inkling of the friendship that Haru and Ikuya share know how important this moment is (and just as Asahi says, who cares if Haru lost the IM? They gained a friend back!).

We also find out just how much Ikuya looks up to Haru as he shares with the entire group what his wish was from the night he and Haru viewed the starry night sky. I mean, Ikuya wants to be a hero like Haru is to him? Just as Haru said, Ikuya is a hero even without realizing it. But above all, the greatest moment for me was when Ikuya remembered what true friendship is, and comes to an epiphany that getting stronger is not something you can achieve purely for your own sake, and that obtaining freedom can only happen when you become stronger for those you love.

I am positively giddy about how this season is portraying freedom. The meaning of freedom is different for every person. For some, freedom means to be able to choose what you want to do at any point of your life. For others, freedom means that you are not constrained, emotionally or mentally, by the unspoken rules that society places on behavior or thought. In Ikuya’s case, freedom could very well mean the ability to swim with no boundaries for and alongside your trusted friends and loved ones. After all, we see time and time again with this series that any limitation on friendships prevent these characters from swimming at their best.

So with this in mind, we see the old Iwatobi Middle School relay gang get back together, and we see Ikuya return to his old self.

Ikuya also brings Hiyori back to join the freestyle relay with him. Now if that’s not the greatest progression in character there is this season, I don’t know what is. I mean, the guy who has been moody and who swam alone for the last few years is now swimming with others? What?! I mean, that even threw Hiyori in for a loop.

And Ikuya is back to the same guy who teases Asahi’s habits and periodic idiocy:

I was also so, so touched when Hiyori realizes the power of Haru’s swimming and how it freed him, and when Ikuya remembers the young Hiyori that he met in early childhood. Hopefully we can see a more positive Hiyori in the coming episodes!

(And Natsuya, you so cried. I bet you that Ikuya is his older brother’s hero. What a cute sibling relationship!)

(But seriously, Kisumi, you’re in the wrong anime. You’re even recruiting Hiyori to join the basketball club?!?!)

Anyway, I had a blast with the last two episodes, and I look forward to see where these group of lads go with their newfound realizations, their growing understanding of themselves, and their aspirations in the swimming world.

Above all, we’re glad to have you back, Ikuya! Keep smiling as you did before!

#free! dive to the future #free dive to the future #free df #haruka nanase #nanase haruka #makoto tachibana #tachibana makoto #asahi shiina #shiina asahi #ikuya kirishima #kirishima ikuya #free!#I went on another long muse #maybe I should swim again #all the feels once again #swimming is so liberating #ikuya we're glad to have you back #rin is coming back?

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losvcr · 7 years ago

Text

falling for you (reddie)

summary: the winter formal is coming around, and everyone is scrambling to find dates. eddie is hoping that maybe the signs richie’s been giving him means that richie will ask him, but is disappointed when he learns that richie has accepted another date.

pairing: reddie

word count: 2.9k

warnings: none

a/n: this is my first reddie writing and one shot (it’s fuckin’ long im sorry, i probs should’ve broke it up in parts), so i hope it’s not too horrible. i haven’t read the book yet, only seen the movie/tv series, so i don’t know all of the nuances yet! i’ll do my best <3 feedback and comments/likes are appreciated and welcomed! oh also. the losers are around 16/17, taking place in modern times. some things might be different but i hope you welcome it

OH. song of the one shot is fallingforyou by the 1975. i listened to it while writing so maybe i’ll get you in the right mood

“gaaaay!” the losers looked over towards the end of their cafeteria table, not one of them surprised to see the person behind the call was none other than richie tozier.

despite richie being the only one to not have the same lunch period as them, he still managed to get out of history to come and bother the gang.

“beep. beep. richie.” stan pronounced each word with a hard pause, a slight glare finding his features as he gripped his boyfriend, bill’s, hand tighter.

“i’m just joking around. don’t get your damn panties in a twist, staniel..” the trashmouth grinned, taking a seat in the spot that he normally sat in - right next to eddie. “besides, everyone knows i ship stenbrough so hard.” a lanky arm was tossed around eddie’s shoulders, one which he shrugged off just as quickly in protest of his behavior.

everyone was used to richie’s antics, and ignored them for the most part. though, that hardly ever stopped tozier from continuing them. “mike, have you found a date to the winter formal yet?” beverly questioned across the table, leaning into ben’s side as his eyes glossed over homework reading instead of focusing on the lunch in front of him.

ahh. winter formal. in a small town like derry, maine, a school dance was something highly anticipated. buzz generally began weeks before.

“i’m stuck between rosie and taylor. you guys think they’d be down for a threeway date?”

as it was now, bill and stan, and ben and bev were supppsed to be attending the dance as couples, respectively. the only three without dates was richie, eddie, and mike.

the dance was only a week out, and eddie found himself shifting uncomfortably at the talk of the dance. he wasn’t sure that he would attend, but a huge part of him was hoping that he would be forced to go if a certain someone asked him to be their date.

“sure they would! who wouldn’t want some mclovin from you, mike? be careful, though. having two love interests can get preeeetty messy. eds and his mom would know.”

a frown crossed eddie’s face as he shoved richie’s shoulder gently. “beep beep richie! and don’t call me that! y’know i hate it when you call me that.” the frown on eddie’s face didn’t quite match the now hammering of his heart after registering that richie had identified him as a love interest. maybe eddie was reading too much into his joking. maybe richie’s increased flirting and touches was just him trying to be more annoying than usual.

“are you and eddie p-planning on g-g-going to the dance?” bill questioned, shooting a knowing look in both richie and eddie’s direction, causing eddie’s cheeks to lightly flush a pink while averting his gaze down onto his untouched food.

richie turned his attention on eddie, a small smile finding his lips as he stared at the pretty, small, teenage boy. it had taken him a few days to decide whether he wanted to go big with his formal date invitation to eddie or not.

it would have been his first time asking eddie out.

in the end, he decided that smaller was better. eddie wasn’t one to desire the attention of everyone in the school, even though it was like first nature for richie to do everything big and loudly. in the end, eddie’s comfort with the situation was all that mattered to him - that, and if his friend said no, it would be a quiet rejection that wouldn’t embarrass him in front of everyone.

“yeah, big bill. i totally plan on it. while it’s tempting to try and outdo your big poster you made for stan, i have taste, bill.” richie took in a deep breath; it was now or never, wasn’t it?

what had eddie’s eyes snapping up from his food was hearing richie start up with an “eddie, will you–”, which caused his heart to start thumping hard in his chest once again. was he finally gonna get the invitation he had been hoping for? except, it never came.

instead, richie cut off when he was tapped on the shoulder, seeing popular and pretty girl priscilla white standing there, looking as if she was going to break at any second. “hey richie, think i could talk to you for a second?”

—

the days swept by fast, and before anyone could blink, it was saturday night. the night of the dance.

“eddie, make sure to stay out of trouble! no drinking, and no drugs! call me as soon as you’re on your way home so that i can know that you’re safe.”

eddie adjusted the bow of his tie and got out a dejected “alright, ma”, before he walked out to get into bill’s car, squeezing into the back seat with beverly and ben.

he almost wasn’t going to go. why would he want to go to the dance when he was the only loser without a date? the only reason he was going was because bill had somehow convinced him. now he sat in the backseat of the car, feeling like a bit of a fifth wheel.

it wasn’t long before they’d reached their high school, and were making their way to the winter-themed gymnasium. almost as soon as they walked inside, eddie felt himself wanting to turn back.

it was jammed packed with the moving bodies of his fellow peers, and the music was unbelievably loud. quickly, he checked into his pocket to make sure his inhaler was there. while he didn’t use it as often anymore after finding out about his asthma being psychosomatic, he still felt the need to have it just in case.

“mike! richie!” eddie made a point of holding onto beverly’s wrist as they pushed through the crowds to get to the tables, his eyes finally adjusting to the flashing lights and landing on the missing two of the seven. mike sat with two girls on either arm, and richie sat next to priscilla, the lanky arm that usually sat on his shoulder sitting on priscilla’s. eddie felt like he would throw up any second.

richie’s leg bounced nervously up and down as he awkwardly sat next to priscilla, counting down the seconds when the rest of their friends would show up. it wasn’t until he heard his name that he looked up, seeing that their crew had made it.

automatically, his eyes searched for the familiar curls and brown eyes of eddie, feeling frozen when he finally found him. he was wearing a pink tux shirt and a pair of black dress pants that were a bit too long, but still - he looked fucking amazing.

“eddie.” richie spoke up slowly, waiting to get his attention. “you look…” before he could finish, eddie was walking past him and sitting as far away as he could possibly get. ouch. was eddie upset with him?

before he could ask, he felt priscilla squeezing his arm gently, leaning in to talk in his ear. “now’s a good time to dance.” he heard her whisper urgently, and before he could protest, she was grabbing his wrist tightly and dragging him towards the dance floor.

of course, she’d want to dance on a slow song. he did not want to deal with priscilla right now. he wanted to go back over and talk to his best friend. but he didn’t have a chance to once she wrapped her arms around his neck, urging him to dance with him.

hesitantly, richie placed his hands on her hips, hoping not to get too intimate with her as they swayed back and forth. however, priscilla seemed to have other plans. he would have tried to pull back if he had known it was coming, but he wasn’t as quick as he thought he was; out of nowhere, priscilla was kissing him on the lips.

his eyes widened in surprised, and by the time he’d gotten his wits about it, he was pushing her away. ”what the hell are you doing?! i thought we agreed!” he complained in a loud whisper, his gaze turning towards the table just in time to see eddie bolting away and running out the doors. “fuck. i gotta go.”

“wait, richie, don’t–”

he didn’t wait to hear what she had to say. instead, he found himself chasing after eddie. by the time he got outside, he saw the familiar ford pulling out of the parking lot and driving off. “fuck, fuck, fuck. think, trashmouth. where would he go?” after a few moments of bumbling, panicky thinking, richie finally realized exactly where eddie went.

—

so maybe it wasn’t so bright for him to take bill’s keys from beverly’s purse without permission, but eddie just needed to get out of there. after seeing richie and priscilla kiss out on the dance floor, he felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

he just kept wondering what he had done to deserve that sort of heartbreak twice in a row.

while any other night he would have never ventured out into the woods by himself, tonight was different. he couldn’t go home because his mom would ask a billion questions and probably assume the worse - so, he went to the next best thing. his and richie’s treehouse.

they had stumbled upon the abandoned structure one day while exploring together, and had made it their own. in all honesty, eddie loved to be there more than he liked to be home.

once making it inside of the familiar structure and turning on the lights, eddie sent out a text to bill to assure him that he would bring the car back before the dance was over - he just needed to get away, breathe, and quietly cry to himself.

as if to torture himself more, eddie put on a playlist that richie had made of some of his favorite song, laying on the makeshift bed and allowing the tears to drip from his cheek and nose and onto the sheets below him.

not even fifteen minutes into his self pitying party did he hear loud snaps and cracks from the latter below, causing him to shoot up into a sitting position with widened eyes as chills of fear ran up and down his spine. eddie could remember feeling this fear only once, though he couldn’t quite pin why he had been this scared before. he looked around for any weapon he could use, and just as he was getting ready to accept his fate, a head of dark curls appeared in the opening.

never had he thought he’d be so relieved to see richie.

“holy shit, richie. you scared the fuck out of me.” eddie berated, taking in shallow breaths before reaching for his inhaler and using it as richie awkwardly pushed himself inside. “what’re you doing here? i thought you were having a great time making out with priscilla white.” he got out bitterly.

“sorry… fuck… i’m so winded, give me a second, eds…”

“what? did you run all the way here or something?” eddie quickly reached up, attempting to get rid of the evidence of tear streaks on his cheeks and nose. he was so startled by the idea of richie seeing him crying that he didn’t even scold him for ‘eds’.

however, once richie was able to sit up straight, he could see the redness of eddie’s eyes and the tip of his nose. his heart twisted violently in his chest at the sight of this, feeling even more like shit.

“eddie, please. just let me explain.”

eddie watched as richie sat up, his face red from exertion and glasses fogged with heat. the boy really needed to stop smoking those cigarettes. however, his eyes couldn’t help but take in the freckles dotting his nose, those chapped, but somehow still tempting lips, and the black suit that seemed somewhat baggy on his gangly frame. it was hard to focus on the bagginess when a person got a hit of his hawaiian themed tux shirt, however.

“what is there to explain, richie? there’s nothing to say. i don’t understand why you ditched your date to come here.”

“i saw you run… just listen, alright? priscilla.. she doesn’t mean anything to me–”

“oh yeah, likely story, richie. you took her to the dance, and gave her a nice, big one. i really believe she means nothing to you.” richie sighed softly, moving closer to eddie. it surprised him that he could faintly here sweater weather in the background, but he couldn’t focus on that right now.

“okay, first of all, i didn’t kiss her. she kissed me.” he nearly facepalmed himself after saying that, but he rushed to continue on before eddie could try and retort. “second of all, you never let me tell you why i took priscilla to the dance. the reason i took her was because… okay. when she pulled me aside that day at lunch, she started… crying….”

it was stupid, yes, but richie didn’t know how to handle seeing someone else cry, especially when it came to the female population and people he cared about. it tugged at some sort of strings in his heart he hadn’t been aware existed.

“and she started complaining that that wanker of an ex boyfriend, bradley tether-” richie visibly rolled his eyes. if another henry bowers existed at their school, it would definitely be bradley. “would be taking someone else and she wanted to make him jealous. and you know how that dickhead feels about me. so being the chivalrous guy that i am, i wanted to help her get revenge…”

eddie stared at richie blankly, trying to process what the other male was saying. as ridiculous as it all sounded, was it true? was it really just a ploy to make someone jealous, rather than richie preferring to go to the dance with priscilla?

“but eddie… i didn’t want to go to the dance with her. i wanted to go with you. i was gonna ask you before priscilla interrupted.” richie finally said outloud, chewing on his lower lip in nervousness at this admission. this was his first time admitting his feelings for eddie outloud to eddie.

all eddie could do was blink in shock after hearing that, the hammering in his chest returning full blast. so richie did want to go to the dance with him.

“you’re not kidding, are you?”

after a moment, a song came on in the background that made richie perk up slightly, causing a sudden thought to pop up in his head. richie popped up to his feet, holding a hand out towards the other boy. “dance with me, eddie.” he whispered, causing eddie to stare at him in confusion.

“what are you–”

“beep beep eddie!” richie shot at him teasingly, causing eddie’s cheek to light up slightly. “stop talking and dance with me. please.”

eddie stared up at the tall boy hesitantly before finally grasping his hand, and standing up to his feet. he had never danced with anyone like this before, so eddie waited awkwardly for richie to take the lead. once he felt richie’s arms wrap snuggly around his waist, he let out a soft gasp, his arms automatically finding solace around his shoulders as he laid his head on richie’s chest.

richie placed his chin on top of eddie’s head, and slowly, they swayed back and forth to the beat of the song eddie wasn’t familiar with. it didn’t matter to him, though. he knew richie loved it. in fact, richie was singing along quietly to it.

“don’t you see me? i, i think i’m falling. i’m falling for you. and don’t you need me? i, i think i’m falling. i’m falling for you.” richie had a beautiful voice that eddie loved. the first time he heard his voice, it had been at richie’s house one day while he was in the shower, unaware that eddie had come over and heard. he had begged and pleaded with eddie not to tell anyone, going as far as to make him take a blood oath. in all honesty, he hadn’t planned on telling anyone anyway - it was a richie secret that he wanted to be the only one in the knowing of for as long as possible. besides, he was more shocked that richie was shy about it more than anything.

eddie felt himself growing more emotional as the song continued, his arms tightening around richie as he listened to the boy sing melodically along. he almost couldn’t believe this was actually happening. maybe this was all a dream.

“i don’t wanna be your friend, i wanna kiss your neck.”

at the same time, they pulled back slightly to look at each other, eddie’s eyes red once more and filled with tears of emotion. richie smiled down at him, reaching up to brush some curls away eddie’s face before he took the leap of faith - he leaned down and pressed his lips to eddie’s soft, warm ones.

both their minds went blank for a moment, swirling with a sudden togetherness.

their lips fit perfectly and moved together in sync, richie’s tongue grazing eddie’s lower lip as if to ask for permission to deepen the connection. the kiss continued for what seemed like forever, before eddie pulled back to stare up at richie in breathless awe.

“i think i’m falling for you too, trashmouth.”

————-

GOD THIS WAS UNGODLY LONG. I’M SO SORRY. not only that but i’m a piece of shit who didn’t bother to edit. but pls read and give feedback!

#I HATE MYSELF UGH #i hope i don't end up deleting this #reddie #reddie fanfiction #reddie fanfic #my reddie fanfiction #it #it movie #it 2017 #the losers club #fanfic #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #stenbrough #benverly #100+#*mine

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