#im mad bc it was 100% my car's fault and im scared my car will do it again

[officialbillhader]

Good morning everyone. Unfortunately yesterday still happened and im still mad abt it

[g0dtier]

at the internship we did a sort of “make an arts and crafts animal as a gift for the library readers!” thing. it was in the library and people were allowed to use everything we’d gathered, which was a lot of stuff. they’d make an arts and crafts animal, leave it at the library for someone else and in turn they’d get a free book that they got to pick themselves. the hope was that we could find people interested of all ages and pair them together, but unfortunately and kind of expectedly, it was mostly parents with kids who joined

so this one shitstain. around 12, weiring a pubg battle royale shirt, etc. he was really overweight, which, since childhood obesity to that point is really rare here, already pointed to a bad family dynamic with parents that either dont give a shit abt him or let him do whatever he wants

it was def the second. he came in with his mom, wanted to make an arts and crafts car. grabs all kinds of shit, dumps materials he doesnt want anymore on the floor and kicks them away, takes stuff from other kids/parents. has a weird obsession with anything stabby. so im like wtf is up with this kid. but whatever.

he starts scaring/annoying other kids. grabbing those tiny air-filled bags and popping them. i go up to him and say other people might need to use those materials. he walks up behind another girl (who had already been screaming bc she was also terrible) and pops the thing right next to her ear. queue more screaming. i tell him not to do that, how rude that was, etc. mom is so apologetic she’s nearly crying, but he just won’t listen to her. he grabs another air-filled bag. i take it from him. “one more time” he says. i say no. he yells “one more time!!!!” at me, grabs another bag and pops it right next to the ear of another girl. i about lose my mind at this point. he goes back to work.

he keeps at it for a long time. way longer than intended. i come over and he’s making a robot instead. i offer to help him, he goes yes, yells at me whenever i suggest something he doesnt like. says he wants to take his robot home. i look at his mom and go “uhhh that kinda wasnt the idea” but whatever. i let it slide cause he’s already yelling and pissed off at everything.

he keeps adding extra shit to his robot. i go up to his mom and tell her that it kinda wasnt the point to just make something for yourself with this stuff and he wants to take it home, so please, make sure he doesn’t use too much material that others still need to use all week to make stuff for others. she goes ok. half an hour later he’s still at it. i tell him “ok only the feet now, then you’re done, ok?” he goes ok. half an hour later he’s adding more stuff. i go up to him and say “hey, didn’t we say it was just the feet left? they’re done now, your robot is done”. he gets super fucking pissy. 

mom finally decides to stand up to him and tells him to take a book and leave the robot her. i’d already told her he could take it home because i just wanted the little shit out, but now she grows some balls. queue 10min fight. i tell him the rules. he gets in my face, puts his hands on his sides and glares at me. he starts shaking his fucking fist at me and clapping his fists together. like im 100% sure this kid is gonna hit me. other volunteer (who has been no help up to this point with anything) comes up to him, explains the rules. he does the same to her, like im so sure hes gonna hit her.

he gets so mad that he tries to flip the fucking table. hes yelling at everyone. mom is over it and drags him out without his robot or a book. hes crying, yelling, kicking everything. 

i was so close to actually hit this motherfucker. its clear his mom is a doormat and his dad is probably a super dick, so its not really his fault, but what a piece of shit. his obsession with stabby things was weird as fuck as well.

[boysintears]

My Fault // Theo Reaken

Warnings: violence, fighting, screaming, swearing, throwing things

Words: 948

Request by anon: Hey! Can you write an angsty-cute imagine with theo? Theo and reader have a really heated and violent fight (bc of theo's over-possessiveness) like screams throwing objects. And theo says something he really shouldn't say and reader gets heartbroken. Then theo tries to apologize. Like he gets really needy and clingy. Im thirsty for needy and cute theo. Thank you 💗 

A/N: / OMG I JUST NOTICED THAT IT IS NOT 100% WHAT YOU ASKED FOR SORRRY I STILL HOPE YOU LIKE THIS / finally uploading this, i hope you like it, and i don’t know how many of you saw my post, but I’ll be taking a small break from writing, you can still message me tough, i’ll still be active on here i just don’t have the time to write rn

You didn’t fight often, but when you did it was because of his over-possessiveness. He was easily jealous, but you could deal with it, mostly.

But today was just too much. The tension had been building up over the past few days. He was clingier than usual, tried to keep you from doing stuff with your male friends and keep you in your shared apartment. He wanted to shield you from the world and keep you to himself.

It was annoying you to no end, and today just send you over the edge. He seriously tried to forbid you, to go to your college classes, because the guys there could ‘make advances’ and you’re such a ‘defenseless human’.

It started with you telling him to finally shut his fucking mouth and get his shit together. First he was too startled to answer but then he got mad. Like really fucking mad.

He started yelling at you, that he was just trying to ‘protect’ his mate and that you should be the one shutting up and stop making false accusations.

“What the fuck do you mean false accusations? Have you even noticed how fucking possessive you were in the past few days?”

“I wasn’t being possessive at all!” “Oh no, of course you fucking weren’t”, you yelled at him. “Name me one time that I was ‘possessive’!” “Just now you were trying to freaking forbid me to go to my damn classes!” “To protect you you!”, he screamed.

“What are you freaking trying to protect me from!?” “It’s fucking dangerous out there!” “You’re not even naming me any valid reasons!”

You were so damn mad, only seeing red anymore. So you grabbed the first thing that was in your reach, a small glass vase, and threw it at Theo. Due to his chimera reflexes it was easy for him to avoid the flying object.

But that he wasn’t hit just fed your rage even more. So you grabbed more objects to throw at his head. The only thing that actually hit him was a stinky sock that was laying on the dresser beside you.

With every flying object his face became redder and he became madder. Slowly he was stepping up to you. He was taking deep breaths, trying to control his madness but as the sock hit him square in the face, he couldn’t control himself anymore.

The chimera was rushing towards you, so you were trying to back up as fast as possible, but didn’t realize you were standing so close to the wall, so your back was against it faster than you thought and your head hit it with too much force.

You were seeing black for a moment, as Theo got up in your face and started letting his rage out.

“Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. You fucking ungrateful bitch! Telling me that I was too fucking possessive. I can show you fucking possessive!”

Your vision was still blurry as his fist hit the wall only a few centimeters next to your head. You flinched, tears were filling your eyes, as bile made it’s way up your throat.

Your boyfriend was still raging, while you tried to get out of his grip, your nauseousness getting worse.

You ducked underneath the arm that was still holding him up from the wall, and fell onto your hands and knees on the floor. Only seconds after, your stomach contents ended up on the floor.

You were gagging, coughing up all the food in your stomach, until tears were freely falling down your cheeks and you were only dry-heaving.

Sometime while you were emptying your stomach, Theo fell next to you onto the floor and grabbed your hair, so it wouldn’t get into your way. His other hand was soothingly stroking down your back.

You could hear his voice somewhere in the back of your mind, he was trying to calm you down, but his voice sounded broken and scared.

When you finally calmed yourself enough to stop trying to gag up things that weren’t there, Theo slowly wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you up, so you were leaning against his chest.

He was burying his nose in your hair, probably more to calm himself down than you. Your breath slowly evened out, but you were still feeling dizzy and your head was feeling kind of mushy.

Silent sobs were shaking not only your body, but you could feel Theo’s body also being shaken by his own sobs.

“I-i’m sorry baby. Oh my god I’m so fucking sorry. I did not want that. I love you. Please tell me you’re okay. Please be okay”, he was silently repeating himself, holding you still close.

He shoved his face into your neck, and you could already feel the collar of your shirt becoming wet from his tears.

“M- I feel so dizzy..”, you mumbled.

He lifted his face from your neck, before he carefully turned your head in his direction. His eyes widened, as he saw that your pupils weren’t the same size. “Fuck”, he breathed out. “Fuck baby, I need to bring you to a hospital”

You whimpered when he carefully lifted you up, getting the feeling of bile in your throat again.

He gently shushed you, bringing you to his car. He drove as gently and fast as he could to the nearest hospital.

He glanced over to you, you had your head leaned against the window.

Fuck, if he wouldn’t have been such an asshole, trying to keep you to himself you wouldn’t have a concussion now.

Damn it, it was all his fault. He would protect you better from now on. Especially from himself.  

Masterlist

[danifelt-blog]

200 questions tag

200: My crush’s name is: 
mitch grassi 199: I was born in: ohio 198: I am really: 
idk 197: My cellphone company is: 
sprint 196: My eye color is: 
green/hazel 195: My shoe size is: 
8 194: My ring size is: 
8? 193: My height is: 
5'3 192: I am allergic to: 
cigarette smoke and pet dander 191: My 1st car was: 
i can't drive 190: My 1st job was: 
i never had one 189: Last book you read: 
note to self by connor franta 188: My bed is: 
a bottom bunk ,, not that comfy 187: My pet:
2 cats, gabi and max and fy-sh the fish 186: My best friend: 
idk i have a few 185: My favorite shampoo is: idk what it is 184: Xbox or ps3: 
xbox 183: Piggy banks are: 
cool ig 182: In my pockets: 
nothing 181: On my calendar: nothing i don't fill it out 180: Marriage is: 
fine 179: Spongebob can: 
SAVE MY LIFE,, ITS MY FAVORITE 178: My mom: 
is nice sometimes 177: The last three songs I bought were: 
sign of the times, the ptx ep, fashion by jon bellion 176: Last YouTube video watched: 
"becoming a fidget spinner- pewdiepie" lmao 175: How many cousins do you have? 
7 that i know of 174: Do you have any siblings? 
a sister and brother 173: Are your parents divorced? 
no 172: Are you taller than your mom? 
no 171: Do you play an instrument? 
i kind of can play the keyboard 170: What did you do yesterday? 
went out to eat, showered, did my makeup, went to a party [I BELIEVE IN….] 169: Love at first sight:
yes 168: Luck: 
yes 167: Fate: 
yes 166: Yourself: 
sometimes 165: Aliens: 
100% 164: Heaven: 
yes 163: Hell: 
yes 162: God: 
yes 161: Horoscopes: 
yes 160: Soul mates: 
yes 159: Ghosts: 
yes 158: Gay Marriage: 
yes yes yes 157: War: 
no 156: Orbs: 
yes 155: Magic: 
no [THIS OR THAT] 154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs 153: Drunk or High: 
neither 152: Phone or Online: 
online 151: Red heads or Black haired: 
black haired 150: Blondes or Brunettes: 
brunettes 149: Hot or cold:
cold 148: Summer or winter: 
summer 147: Autumn or Spring:
autumn 146: Chocolate or vanilla: 
vanilla 145: Night or Day: 
night 144: Oranges or Apples: 
apple's 143: Curly or Straight hair: 
straight 142: McDonalds or Burger King: 
mcdonald's 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: 
milk chocolate 140: Mac or PC: 
mac 139: Flip flops or high heels: 
flip flops 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: 
doesn't matter 137: Coke or Pepsi: 
coke 136: Hillary or Obama: 
obama 135: Buried or cremated:
buried 134: Singing or Dancing:
singing 133: Coach or Chanel: 
chanel 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: 
who?? 131: Small town or Big city:
big city 130: Wal-Mart or Target: 
target 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: adam sandler 128: Manicure or Pedicure: 
manicure 127: East Coast or West Coast: 
uh i live in east but i wanna be in west :( 126: Your Birthday or Christmas:
christmas 125: Chocolate or Flowers: 
flowers 124: Disney or Six Flags: 
disney 123: Yankees or Red Sox:
idc [HERE’S WHAT I THINK ABOUT] 122: War: 
scares me stop please 121: George Bush: 
don't care 120: Gay Marriage:
yes 100% support it 119: The presidential election: 
disappointing 118: Abortion: 
pro choice 117: MySpace:
uh idk 116: Reality TV:
don't watch tv 115: Parents:
mine are cool 114: Back stabbers:
i know too many 113: Ebay: 
outdated and weird 112: Facebook:
i spend too much time on it 111: Work:
i don't work but i mean its cool 110: My Neighbors: i have new neighbors on both sides of my house i don't mind them 109: Gas Prices: they're okay ? idk i don't drive i don't pay attention 108: Designer Clothes:
im broke 107: College: 
i hope i can go 106: Sports: 
no thank you 105: My family: 
chill i guess 104: The future: idk [LAST TIME I….] 103: Hugged someone: 
yesterday 102: Last time you ate:
an hour ago 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile:
yesterday 100: Cried in front of someone: 
friday, at a cat commercial 99: Went to a movie theater: 
friday 98: Took a vacation: 
2 years ago 97: Swam in a pool: 
a year ago 96: Changed a diaper: 
never have 95: Got my nails done: 
a month and 1/2 ago 94: Went to a wedding: 
never been to one 93: Broke a bone:
never have 92: Got a piercing: 
never have 91: Broke the law: 
not sure 90: Texted: 
like a few hours ago 89: Who makes you laugh the most:
idk 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: 
my cats 87: The last movie I saw:
everything, every thing 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: summer vacation ( 4 days..,) and all the plans i have 85: The thing I’m not looking forward to: exams this week 84: People call me:
emily 83: The most difficult thing to do is: idk 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: 
no 81: My zodiac sign is: 
aries 80: The first person i talked to today was: 
ryan 79: First time you had a crush:
idk 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from:
all my friends they find out everything 🤦🏼‍♀️ 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: 
yesterday 76: Right now I am talking to: 
no one 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: 
i want to get into cosmetology 74: I have/will get a job: 
next year probably 73: Tomorrow: 
have to go to school and take two exams 72: Today: 
woke up, ate, watched spongebob 71: Next Summer:
this summer? uh idk im going to teen camp, seeing pentatonix, yuhhh 70: Next weekend: not sure yet 69: I have these pets:
2 cats and a fish 68: The worst sound in the world: 
babies crying 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: 
mitch grassi 66: People that make you happy: 
a lot of people 65: Last time I cried: 
friday at the movies 64: My friends are: cool 🤷🏼‍♀️ 63: My computer is: 
don't have one 62: My School: 
stebbins 61: My Car: 
don't have one 60: I lose all respect for people who: 
are homophobic, transphobic, racist, etc 59: The last movie I cried at was:
everything everything 58: Your hair color is: 
brunette 57: TV shows you watch: 
spongebob dude 56: Favorite web site:
facebook 55: Your dream vacation: 
californiaaa 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: 
idk 53: How do you like your steak cooked: 
don't like steak 52: My room is: 
kinda messy, boring 51: My favorite celebrity is: 
harry styles bro 50: Where would you like to be: 
washington, it's always rainy 49: Do you want children: 
no 48: Ever been in love: 
no 47: Who’s your best friend:
i have a few 46: More guy friends or girl friends: 
girl friends 45: One thing that makes you feel great is: 
sleeping 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: 
m i t c h g r a s s i 43: Do you have a 5 year plan: 
what's that 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: 
no 41: Have you pre-named your children: 
no 40: Last person I got mad at: 
idk 39: I would like to move to: 
california 38: I wish I was a professional: 
mua [MY FAVORITES….] 37: Candy:
reese's 36: Vehicle:
idc 35: President: 
obama 34: State visited:
tennessee i guess, i don't really remember it though 33: Cellphone provider: 
sprint 32: Athlete: 
idc 31: Actor: 
don't have one 30: Actress: 
don't have one 29: Singer: 
i have a lot but ; dodie clark, everyone from ptx 28: Band: 
panic! at the disco 27: Clothing store: 
h&m is nice ? forever 21 26: Grocery store: meijer? idk 25: TV show: 
i like shameless before i kinda stopped watching it 24: Movie:
idk fault in our stars never gets old 23: Website: 
facebook 22: Animal: 
cats 21: Theme park: 
kings island 20: Holiday:
christmas 19: Sport to watch: 
football ?? idk 18: Sport to play: volleyball i suck tho 17: Magazine: 
i don't read them 16: Book: 
again tfious 15: Day of the week: 
friday 14: Beach: 
never been to one 13: Concert attended: 
i really liked the one direction concert but the most lit melanie martinez bc i got to go with my pals 12: Thing to cook: 
i don't really cook 11: Food: 
pasta 10: Restaurant: 
chipotle 9: Radio station: 
channel 99.9 8: Yankee candle scent: cotton candy or salt water taffy 7: Perfume:
ari by ariana grande 6: Flower: 
roses 5: Color:
black 4: Talk show host: ellen 3: Comedian: 
i don't have one 2: Dog breed: 
golden retrievers 1: Did you answer all these truthfully? 
probably not

[deadcatelog]

chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted.......  i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea  that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just  afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know?? 

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately  least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din. 

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair. 

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag  i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.