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adambstingus · 7 years ago

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24 People Share The Grossest, Most Unsettling Thing They Ever Experienced While Hooking Up

1.Sixty Two Stitches

Girl beneath me, rolls me over onto my back – in the process we roll off the bed and we land on the floor, me on the bottom and her still straddling me. Her leg went straight through a big glass of water. Blood everywhere. She had lacerated her leg straight to the bone in a clean cut: I could see her muscle. Within ten minutes of our initial playing around there were 6 firemen and 3 policemen in the room (she was mental and shouted down the phone that I had a gun so they would come sooner). I was high and drunk and so her roomie took control. Paralysed by shock and weed, I had to hide while they took her in the ambulance as she was THAT crazy that I was expecting her to call rape.

She required 62 stitches, 40 on the muscle covering her shin.

This is the singular most traumatic experience of my life.

2. Bless You

He pulled it out to come on my face, I was unprepared and snorted his semen up my nose. We started making out and I sneezed his semen onto his own face.

Probably grosser for him than for me, but not by much.

3. Love Conquers All

My story probably doesn’t compare to any of these but here goes:

I had recently found a new girlfriend. A cute, blonde girl with lots of curves in all the right places. We had been together for a little while (this was back when I was a Jr. in college and she was a freshman) when we went to this huge party. We both ended up getting totally trashed and wound up back at my place. Needless to say I was waaay to drunk to get any bidnass done that night. The next morning we woke up and started to get it on. For some reason, Im always really randy after a night of heavy drinking. Anyway…midway through the sex, we are doing it doggy style with her on all 4 at the edge of the bed and me standing behind her on the floor. I am hammering away like a rabid jackrabbit when, all of a sudden, i get that sour food, extra saliva feeling in my mouth. I knew what was coming but it was too late. As the puke surged up my esophagus, I clenched my hands over my mouth in a death grip, but to no avail. I spun around and tried to aim for my waste bin….but it was no use. I ended up projectile vomiting in about a ¾ circle. I managed to go from her right side, across that wall, across the wall behind me (and the bookcase that was there), all over the waste bin, and i over spun and went passed the waste bin and got it on my floor and the bed on her left side. Luckily, only some puke flak got on her back….

She’s a great girl though, that was 3 years ago and we are still together…

4.Legit Upsetting

Three words.

Anal sex. Pinworms.

It’s fucking nasty to pull your dick out and see a dozen or so worms writhing around on the condom.

5.Butt Stuff Isn’t For The Timid

So, the boy and I like some backdoor fun from time to time. We talk about it more than we do it because it’s tiresome to get ready and clean up after… usually worth it though ;). One Saturday afternoon, the boy is performing some world class cuminonumbulus when I feel a pressure at my nether orifice. I soon realised he was using some beads on me. We had some filthy and very very satisfying sex, then I went to the bathroom to clean up without removing the beads.

I’m so glad I did that.

I sat on the toilet to get the beads out.

I’m so glad I did that.

Those beads were solidly embedded in a great big turd.

I just stared at it dumbly for a moment before the smell hit me.

6. Definitely Karma At Work

I accidentally shit once while fucking a girl.

I was pretty drunk and had to fart.

I had the runs, and well. You know… I pooped. It was especially runny, it felt weird landing on the back of my thighs. It really sucked, but I kept on at it for a few more minutes.. Then I felt the bubble guts. I was torn. I was drunk, so I was debating if I wanted to just shit and keep going or get up and run away. Some how those were my only two options.

My body had a third option.

I decided to get up and just leave but I didn’t want get my pants all covered in shit.

So I did a quick wipe with the boxers, threw my jeans on.. and pretty much just walked out.

I was really upset at myself for how I handled it.

I started to walk home and I fell down and shit myself.

I think it could have been karma.

7.Busted

We were messing around in the car waiting for the class to start where I had to write my midterm exam. So to relieve some pressure I suggested a quick one. She agreed. We were in the school parking lot and right when I finished and was about to pull the condom (my gf was in the front seat already) our prof parks right next to us. I was terrified to say the least.

He said/gestured if I was coming to class and soI rolled my window down with my hand on my crotch and said yes. He said, “Do you mind helping me with these papers?” with the best poker face ever! I had no other choice but to say yes. So I pulled my pants up and walked with him with the cum filled condom still on my penis.

I was in the class for one hour and 45 mins and had to write the test with the condom on my dick. Every time I moved I died a little inside.

8.Banjo String

I split my ‘banjo string’ if you know what I mean. Blood EVERYWHERE.

9. “Deaf Girl Down”

I went to college at a school with a large deaf population, so there a couple thousand deaf kids running around campus at any given time. First big party night of the fall, and everyone is getting shitfaced. Two of my roommates and I had returned to the apt for a quick smoke session.

So in barges our other roommate with a girl of clearly questionable virtue, and immediately they run upstairs to his bedroom without another word. Our roommate was a lanky ginger with a scruffy red beard and mustache… we used to call him brother Hezekiah.

So about 5-10 minutes go by, and all of a sudden this girl comes bounding down the stairs half dressed at best and runs out the door. Our roommate closely follows jumps down the last stair to the landing, and starts yelling “deaf girl down! deaf girl down!”.

We start laughing hysterically and as I’m about to ask him wtf happened, i notice the blood running down his redbearded chin to his neck and chest. It was truly a vulgar site…at that point I literally fell to the floor laughing.

Long story short, she was deaf and couldn’t seem to communicate to him not to go down on her because she was on her period. She fled the scene in mortified embarrassment.

My roommate, despite our advice to the contrary, splashed some water on his face and went back out to party.

10. Cheesy

Going down on a guy can be like being locked in the trunk of a car with old cheese. WASH YOUR BALLS! And it wouldn’t hurt to trim a lil. The grossest sexual encounter I’ve had was a guy who sweat so profusely it was dripping on me, then he flipped his sweaty ass around into my face to attempt what I can only assume was a 69 position but was more like being force fed a butt sandwich and I could see the sweat glistening on his ass/ball hair, that, and the cheese smell coming from his balls made my eyes water and I threw him off me and ran to the shower. 30 minutes of soap and hot water and I still didn’t feel clean.

11. Drank A Drugged Drink Intended For A Girl

I once got drugged, no shit.

Went to a swingers club with my chick at the time, was hanging out and having a great time. At some point I figure I must have picked up the wrong champagne glass that was meant for this hot ukranian girl next to me.

About an hour later we were going in the taxi back to our apt with another girl my gf had met there at the club when I was violently sick and started to black out, in the front of the cab. Barely made it home, then collapsed for about 15 hours. Aparently my gf and the chick had to pay the taxi guy like 100 bucks and it was a big mess. Of course my 3some was off, thanks asshole.

I totally didn’t think that ‘date rape drug in your drink’ urban legend was true until that night.

12. The Most Horrible Of Horror Stories

So this one time I’m having sex with my girlfriend right, and it was all good and sexy so we finish up and everything seems cool.

Then about 9 months later a fucking little comes out of her pussy! I mean just like pops out and I saw that shit with my own eyes!

The little fucker is still living with us.

13. What A Trooper

A girl I had been dating for awhile climbed on me for 69. As she scooted back, I saw something white, realized too late that it was a clump of toilet paper, and got it in my mouth. Pretty nasty, but I spit it out and kept going.

14. Cats Hate You

Last summer my husband and I were living with roommates who had a cat. We were drinking and started getting hot and heavy, he stripped down and jumped on the bed, said something about it being wet and jumped back up. One of us had left our bedroom door cracked and the cat had gotten stuck in the room, and pooped all over our bed. Worse is that apparently this cat was sick with worms. My poor husband was covered in kitty diarrhea, blood and worms.

15. The Mystery Throat Infection

I went down on my girlfriend when neither of us had realized she had a yeast infection. I knew something was off, but kept going anyway. Two days later I had a sore throat and when I looked at it in the mirror it was all white and nasty. Then, she went to the doctor, got her diagnosis, and when she told me about it I put 2 and 2 together and realized that I had a yeast infection in my throat. Ugh. It went away pretty quickly on its own though.

16. She Needed Help…

Having sex with my wife, and then noticing that something didn’t feel quite right, she still had a tampon in from 4 days prior…and i had to help pull it out….

17. Roommate Walked In And Immediately Regretted It

Freshman year of college, I met this guy and brought him back to my dorm (I’m also a guy). He seemed nice and everything, and he was cute, and we started to fuck around. Eventually he decided he wanted to bottom (i.e. get fucked), and so we started having intercourse…

I started to smell the distinct smell of fecal matter very soon. I thought “whatever, I guess you should expect a little smell when having anal sex.” I continued, and the smell continued to get worse.

Eventually, we finish, and I pull out – only to see a of shit spew out of his ass. It was everywhere. I mean, fucking everywhere. It was explosive diarrhea-type shit, on my bed, on me, on the wall even.

… and then my roomate walked in.

I found out later that the dude had a severe bowel problem of some kind, and really shouldn’t have bottomed. My ex-roomate is still a friend of mine, and I still have to assure him that that’s not what gay sex generally looks like.

18. The Most Polite Lady Ever

I have to steal a friend’s story here, so here’s to you Nate!

So Nate was in South Carolina for the summer, and he went out for a night of drinking. He met an older lady (Nate was 21, she was in her 40’s) and apparently hit it off. They left together, but since Nate was staying with his aunt and uncle, and she was married, they didn’t have a proper place to go have a fuck. They decide to just pull over and have at it right there in some random field.

So, Nate get’s off, they get back in the car, he drops her off, and he goes home to get some rest. He went to the bathroom to piss out some of the beer he drank that night and looked down at his dick. It was GREEN. So, naturally, he freaks out and calls the girl up immediately (apparently they had exchanged numbers).

She answers and he immediately demands to know what the fuck is up with his dick being all green. To which the random older woman replies:

I guess it isn’t that gross, but I thought it was worth noting.

19. This Is A Girl That Fears Nothing

I was going down on this guy that I had just started seeing. He is uncircumcised so I pull the skin down around the tip and see *shudder… cottage cheese. I just could not go on but being the resourceful girl that I am, I stood up, walked over to the sink, ran some warm water on a wash cloth, came back, playfully cleaned him up and went back at it.

20.Seems An Overreation

First year of university. I’m escorted back to my domicile by a young gallant. Once we get in, I’m naked, admiring his rather lovely body and ignoring his rather stilted pillow talk. All was going well… until my period started.

That pretty much killed the mood, and I can understand. But I thought it was a bit disproportionate when he got his phone out and CALLED HIS MUM FOR A RIDE HOME. Especially since he was STILL NAKED AND ERECT. I watched this punk rock dude, naked but for mohawk and piercings, stiffy gently bouncing, politely tell his mother where he was and that yes, he’d submitted his coursework.

That was a bit wrong.

21. Like Drinking From A Latex Cup

In Beijing, I hooked up with this woman I met at a bar. Right after we finished going at it, She asks me, in Chinese, if she can drink my water. I couldn’t understand what she meant. I didn’t have a bottle of water or anything. It turns out the word for ‘water’ actually means ‘liquid’ in general. She point towards the used condom I was still holding, took it from my hand, tipped it up, and drank it down–sucking the condom inside out to get every last drop. I died a little on the inside.

It was the most disgusting thing I’d ever seen. What made it worse was when I tried to share my gross story with a co-worker. Instead of sharing my revulsion, he asked for her phone number.

I’m sure condoms taste nasty. I don’t know why she couldn’t have just told me ahead of time. I would have been perfectly happy to pull out, remove the condom, and finish in her mouth without having to use the condom as a nasty, latex cup.

22. Class Act All The Way

I did hook up with a girl once who’s “pubic area” smelled of death itself, but what can you say about a 22 yr old girl (who’s man is in jail) that you pick up in a Jewish cemetery at 2 am, get head from 5 min later and then try and fuck in a ditch behind her house… We went back to her house, I passed out, and woke up to realise I was sleeping on a dog turd on her bed room floor. I was amazed it was the ONLY turd I slept on. I was classy people at 16.

23. With Friends Like These…

It wasn’t gross for me personally:

My buddy and I met these 2 chicks. Way leads on to way and we’re in the hotel room, all four of us. It’s very “dear penthouse” in there – switching back and forth and such – and then we go for the epic DP. I’m pretty fucked up, but draw backdoor duty. My buddy’s got a girl on his face (straddling his shoulders) and one on his hips. I feel myself getting ready, so I pull out, walk around and… uh… come on my buddy’s face because I thought it would be hilarious.

The fallout – I’m laughing maniacally, and both girls end up laughing. My friend is pissed off, but finishes, but then punches me in the face, several times. I was laughing the whole time, but had a pretty nasty black eye.

The fallout, part the second: a few days later at lunch another friend asked how I got the black eye. My buddy just slammed his lunch tray down on the table and stormed off as I start laughing uncontrollably again.

24. Man Endures The Unendurable…Gets Blamed For It

This is the sad case of Carrie “fisher”. I met this lovely Canadian girl at a dive bar in Sydney and in my drunken suave state managed to procure her phone number. SO I called and 6 days later on the Friday I went over to her flat for dinner. I ended up talking to her gay flatmate most of the time, mostly about planes and didn’t really hit it off with the Canadian named Carrie.

Finally everyone went to bed and Carrie and I were left alone to talk in the kitchen. The kitchen talk led to kitchen kissing and before you know it I had found out that she was not wearing any panties. But through my Holmes like deductive skills I knew that something wasn’t quite right and so I sheepishly asked her: “Do you have something inside?” to which I received an unprovoked: “No, I’ve just got a shallow pussy”. My prudishness set in. And let me say I am one of those conservative looking inwardly extreme people. Suffice it to say I kept on and again was met with “resistance”. I plucked up the courage to say: “No , I really think you have something in there” and with deft and nimble fingers, proceeded to slide out and uncork a hard, 7 day old, mucous encrusted tampon.

“The Silver Slug Incident” as Carrie’s house would later call it as though it was all a big joke and not remotely gross. It flopped to the floor with a “flop” and it was kind of like Alladin’s lamp, except that the genie was the worst smell. Kind of like when you walk pass a plot of land and turn to your friend and say: “wow, smells like something is dead in there”. It was the stench of something so putrid and rotten and it went deep inside me. After seeing smelling it she immediately stated: “Oh, my god I am sooo embarrassed.” I, of course, was embarrassed for her and nervously asked if she wanted a bath. “What do you mean?” Not knowing what to say I said with a question: “with me?” Cut to having a bath Cut from bath to spending the night and actually having sex with her because I was to wimpy to say: “That’s gross and I am outta here!”

Cut to the next week in the dvd store that I worked at. She comes in and rents Spiderman. We talk in that “I’m not acknowledging what happened” way. Her flatmate-a girl comes in and also gets Spiderman and with a tiny dvd store full of customers yells out as she leaves: “Oh and by the way…you gave Carrie a yeast infection!”

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/24-people-share-the-grossest-most-unsettling-thing-they-ever-experienced-while-hooking-up/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/169088351967

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samanthasroberts · 7 years ago

Text

24 People Share The Grossest, Most Unsettling Thing They Ever Experienced While Hooking Up

1.Sixty Two Stitches

She required 62 stitches, 40 on the muscle covering her shin.

This is the singular most traumatic experience of my life.

2. Bless You

He pulled it out to come on my face, I was unprepared and snorted his semen up my nose. We started making out and I sneezed his semen onto his own face.

Probably grosser for him than for me, but not by much.

3. Love Conquers All

My story probably doesn’t compare to any of these but here goes:

I had recently found a new girlfriend. A cute, blonde girl with lots of curves in all the right places. We had been together for a little while (this was back when I was a Jr. in college and she was a freshman) when we went to this huge party. We both ended up getting totally trashed and wound up back at my place. Needless to say I was waaay to drunk to get any bidnass done that night. The next morning we woke up and started to get it on. For some reason, Im always really randy after a night of heavy drinking. Anyway…midway through the sex, we are doing it doggy style with her on all 4 at the edge of the bed and me standing behind her on the floor. I am hammering away like a rabid jackrabbit when, all of a sudden, i get that sour food, extra saliva feeling in my mouth. I knew what was coming but it was too late. As the puke surged up my esophagus, I clenched my hands over my mouth in a death grip, but to no avail. I spun around and tried to aim for my waste bin….but it was no use. I ended up projectile vomiting in about a 3/4 circle. I managed to go from her right side, across that wall, across the wall behind me (and the bookcase that was there), all over the waste bin, and i over spun and went passed the waste bin and got it on my floor and the bed on her left side. Luckily, only some puke flak got on her back….

She’s a great girl though, that was 3 years ago and we are still together…

4.Legit Upsetting

Three words.

Anal sex. Pinworms.

It’s fucking nasty to pull your dick out and see a dozen or so worms writhing around on the condom.

5.Butt Stuff Isn’t For The Timid

I’m so glad I did that.

I sat on the toilet to get the beads out.

I’m so glad I did that.

Those beads were solidly embedded in a great big turd.

I just stared at it dumbly for a moment before the smell hit me.

6. Definitely Karma At Work

I accidentally shit once while fucking a girl.

I was pretty drunk and had to fart.

My body had a third option.

I decided to get up and just leave but I didn’t want get my pants all covered in shit.

So I did a quick wipe with the boxers, threw my jeans on.. and pretty much just walked out.

I was really upset at myself for how I handled it.

I started to walk home and I fell down and shit myself.

I think it could have been karma.

7.Busted

I was in the class for one hour and 45 mins and had to write the test with the condom on my dick. Every time I moved I died a little inside.

8.Banjo String

I split my ‘banjo string’ if you know what I mean. Blood EVERYWHERE.

9. “Deaf Girl Down”

Long story short, she was deaf and couldn’t seem to communicate to him not to go down on her because she was on her period. She fled the scene in mortified embarrassment.

My roommate, despite our advice to the contrary, splashed some water on his face and went back out to party.

10. Cheesy

11. Drank A Drugged Drink Intended For A Girl

I once got drugged, no shit.

I totally didn’t think that ‘date rape drug in your drink’ urban legend was true until that night.

12. The Most Horrible Of Horror Stories

So this one time I’m having sex with my girlfriend right, and it was all good and sexy so we finish up and everything seems cool.

Then about 9 months later a fucking little comes out of her pussy! I mean just like pops out and I saw that shit with my own eyes!

The little fucker is still living with us.

13. What A Trooper

14. Cats Hate You

15. The Mystery Throat Infection

16. She Needed Help…

Having sex with my wife, and then noticing that something didn’t feel quite right, she still had a tampon in from 4 days prior…and i had to help pull it out….

17. Roommate Walked In And Immediately Regretted It

… and then my roomate walked in.

18. The Most Polite Lady Ever

I have to steal a friend’s story here, so here’s to you Nate!

She answers and he immediately demands to know what the fuck is up with his dick being all green. To which the random older woman replies:

I guess it isn’t that gross, but I thought it was worth noting.

19. This Is A Girl That Fears Nothing

20.Seems An Overreation

That was a bit wrong.

21. Like Drinking From A Latex Cup

It was the most disgusting thing I’d ever seen. What made it worse was when I tried to share my gross story with a co-worker. Instead of sharing my revulsion, he asked for her phone number.

22. Class Act All The Way

23. With Friends Like These…

It wasn’t gross for me personally:

24. Man Endures The Unendurable…Gets Blamed For It

Source: http://allofbeer.com/24-people-share-the-grossest-most-unsettling-thing-they-ever-experienced-while-hooking-up/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/12/29/24-people-share-the-grossest-most-unsettling-thing-they-ever-experienced-while-hooking-up/

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allofbeercom · 7 years ago

Text

24 People Share The Grossest, Most Unsettling Thing They Ever Experienced While Hooking Up

1.Sixty Two Stitches

She required 62 stitches, 40 on the muscle covering her shin.

This is the singular most traumatic experience of my life.

2. Bless You

He pulled it out to come on my face, I was unprepared and snorted his semen up my nose. We started making out and I sneezed his semen onto his own face.

Probably grosser for him than for me, but not by much.

3. Love Conquers All

My story probably doesn’t compare to any of these but here goes:

I had recently found a new girlfriend. A cute, blonde girl with lots of curves in all the right places. We had been together for a little while (this was back when I was a Jr. in college and she was a freshman) when we went to this huge party. We both ended up getting totally trashed and wound up back at my place. Needless to say I was waaay to drunk to get any bidnass done that night. The next morning we woke up and started to get it on. For some reason, Im always really randy after a night of heavy drinking. Anyway…midway through the sex, we are doing it doggy style with her on all 4 at the edge of the bed and me standing behind her on the floor. I am hammering away like a rabid jackrabbit when, all of a sudden, i get that sour food, extra saliva feeling in my mouth. I knew what was coming but it was too late. As the puke surged up my esophagus, I clenched my hands over my mouth in a death grip, but to no avail. I spun around and tried to aim for my waste bin….but it was no use. I ended up projectile vomiting in about a 3/4 circle. I managed to go from her right side, across that wall, across the wall behind me (and the bookcase that was there), all over the waste bin, and i over spun and went passed the waste bin and got it on my floor and the bed on her left side. Luckily, only some puke flak got on her back….

She’s a great girl though, that was 3 years ago and we are still together…

4.Legit Upsetting

Three words.

Anal sex. Pinworms.

It’s fucking nasty to pull your dick out and see a dozen or so worms writhing around on the condom.

5.Butt Stuff Isn’t For The Timid

I’m so glad I did that.

I sat on the toilet to get the beads out.

I’m so glad I did that.

Those beads were solidly embedded in a great big turd.

I just stared at it dumbly for a moment before the smell hit me.

6. Definitely Karma At Work

I accidentally shit once while fucking a girl.

I was pretty drunk and had to fart.

My body had a third option.

I decided to get up and just leave but I didn’t want get my pants all covered in shit.

So I did a quick wipe with the boxers, threw my jeans on.. and pretty much just walked out.

I was really upset at myself for how I handled it.

I started to walk home and I fell down and shit myself.

I think it could have been karma.

7.Busted

I was in the class for one hour and 45 mins and had to write the test with the condom on my dick. Every time I moved I died a little inside.

8.Banjo String

I split my ‘banjo string’ if you know what I mean. Blood EVERYWHERE.

9. “Deaf Girl Down”

Long story short, she was deaf and couldn’t seem to communicate to him not to go down on her because she was on her period. She fled the scene in mortified embarrassment.

My roommate, despite our advice to the contrary, splashed some water on his face and went back out to party.

10. Cheesy

11. Drank A Drugged Drink Intended For A Girl

I once got drugged, no shit.

I totally didn’t think that ‘date rape drug in your drink’ urban legend was true until that night.

12. The Most Horrible Of Horror Stories

So this one time I’m having sex with my girlfriend right, and it was all good and sexy so we finish up and everything seems cool.

Then about 9 months later a fucking little comes out of her pussy! I mean just like pops out and I saw that shit with my own eyes!

The little fucker is still living with us.

13. What A Trooper

14. Cats Hate You

15. The Mystery Throat Infection

16. She Needed Help…

Having sex with my wife, and then noticing that something didn’t feel quite right, she still had a tampon in from 4 days prior…and i had to help pull it out….

17. Roommate Walked In And Immediately Regretted It

… and then my roomate walked in.

18. The Most Polite Lady Ever

I have to steal a friend’s story here, so here’s to you Nate!

She answers and he immediately demands to know what the fuck is up with his dick being all green. To which the random older woman replies:

I guess it isn’t that gross, but I thought it was worth noting.

19. This Is A Girl That Fears Nothing

20.Seems An Overreation

That was a bit wrong.

21. Like Drinking From A Latex Cup

It was the most disgusting thing I’d ever seen. What made it worse was when I tried to share my gross story with a co-worker. Instead of sharing my revulsion, he asked for her phone number.

22. Class Act All The Way

23. With Friends Like These…

It wasn’t gross for me personally:

24. Man Endures The Unendurable…Gets Blamed For It

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/24-people-share-the-grossest-most-unsettling-thing-they-ever-experienced-while-hooking-up/

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

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Why The Little White Lies I Tell My Children Arent Going To Hurt Them

Id like to preface what I am about to say by stating that I am actually a brutally honest person. You can rest assured that 99 percent of the time, if you ask me something, I will shoot it to you straight. That being said, parenting little humans is ridiculously hard, both physically and emotionally. And, there are situations that call for parents to fib just a little bit from time to time, or in my case, every day. See, I am capable of telling the truth.

Everyone and their mothers best friends sister like to remind me that the years are short and to enjoy every moment I have with my children, whether they are good, bad, or really ugly. But, when your day includes your toddler coloring the couch cushion with a sharpie, or projectile vomiting in the snack aisle of Costco, that can be tough, and sometimes downright impossible.

There are days when you feel like you will not survive until bedtime, and, on those days, it is quite easy to convince yourself that opening a bottle of wine at 3 p.m. does not mean youre an alcoholic, but in fact is just standard procedure while parenting toddlers.

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If the day decides to take an unexpected and unpleasant turn for the worse, and I am on the cusp of losing it, I will do anything in my power to save myself from a little misery, even if that means telling a small, and I mean teeny, tiny, lie to my unsuspecting children.

I lie without any hesitation or guilt and for my own sanity, and well being, you should too. Im giving you permission. Youre welcome.

Here are some of my go-to, cant fail, white lies. Enjoy and use at your own discretion!

1. No honey, its broken.

What exactly broken? Anything and everything you do not want to deal with at that moment. Broken! Done!

Your toddler wants to watch Little Einsteins for the bazillionth time. Nope, sorry, that show is broken right now.

Your toddler wants the car window up, no down, no up, no down Nope, sorry, that window is now broken. All done. Kaputz.

Youre toddler really wants to listen to Taylor Swifts “Shake It Off,” but you fear that you might bash your head into the steering wheel if you have to hear it even one more time? Whoops, broken, sorry, not sorry.

It is literally a catchall. I encourage you to use it freely, and be creative.

2. Your teeth will fall out if you dont brush them.

I feel slightly guilty about this one. Brushing teeth in our house is a power struggle, a fight to the death really, which usually results in me forcing a Thomas the Train toothbrush into my toddlers mouth and her crying that the toothpaste is spicy (its bubblegum flavor) and that she doesnt like that toothbrush (she has four to choose from).

Ive told her multiple times about the importance of brushing, but that doesnt really get through to her. So, I told her that her teeth would fall out if she doesnt brush them. In reality, this is kind of true, they will actually fall out when her adult teeth are ready to come in, so I think it is really just a half-lie, and a good way for her to prepare to take good care of her permanent teeth.

That being said, last week she stopped dead in her tracks half-way down the stairs in pure panic that she had forgotten to brush, held her hands to her mouth as she ran back upstairs, to ensure that none of her teeth fell out. Clearly, I use this one a little too much.

3. Its bedtime.

I dont care if it is 5:30 p.m. and still light outside, if it has been that kind of day, the bedtime routine is starting early and that is that!

I will warn you though, this almost always results in an early morning wake-up call. You cant have it both ways, but if you really need a break, or just cant deal with any more whining, pushing, yelling, or mess-making that day, do it. Do it without a second thought. Most likely, they are acting like little monsters because they are overtired, so in reality, you are doing them a favor too.

4. And finally say its chicken for anything not chicken.

I have two very impossible eaters. Saying they are picky is the understatement of the century. They wont eat anything for dinner except Annies mac and cheese, hot dogs, and vegetable lo mein from the local Chinese place. Anything else is a fight, one that usually ends in tears, mostly from my children, but I definitely join in on the waterworks from time to time.

If we make any kind of meat or fish, the little humans put their noses up in disgust. Gross they say. My response is always the same, but, its just like chicken, you like chicken. This isnt exactly true, they dont really like chicken, but theyve eaten it before, and so it is a glimmer of hope in the very dark space that is dinnertime at our house.

Toddlers like what they know. New food is scary and foreign to them, so if you want any chance of them eating something different, compare it to something they know. Chicken works for me, but you can swap that out for anything you know your mini beasts will eat. Good luck!

I know I am not alone here, what lies do you tell your little humans?

For more from Jenna Stewart, visitMotherhood with a Twist of OCDand herFacebookpage.