#im literally laying here awake at 3am because of this

[knockmeoutbabe]

How did they impregnate Kaltenecker to get her to produce milk?

Also how did they go to the bathroom when they were stuck traveling in their lions? Do the lions have toilets? Poo in a bag and toss it out into space?

Help it's 3am 😭

[lagginguniverse]

Bakugan/Wings of Fire hcs, contains a smidge of angst, and also spoilers for as much of the books as ive read i havent caught up recently i just feel nostalgic for an old au

So way back when i put a whole lot of thought into this complicated crossover au that i was going to write a whole multichapter fic about

In recent years ive since set...lower goals for myself, and just conceded to the fact that i only really want to write about certain characters that are my favs and ignore the ones i dont think deeply about while i lay awake in bed at 3am. However if im missing anybody you happen to care about I'll gladly come up with some sfw non-ship headcanons for you

Anyway,

Mira Fermin, old hc was that she was a Mudwing but i want to change her to a Skywing. Mudwings do have a sibling emphasis and i was planning to give her a whole new backstory for the au but i wanna stick closer to her canon backstory of being abandoned by her dad and brother and deciding to find new family elsewhere

Baron Leltoy, old hc Sandwing new hc Mudwing. Now Baron is the one who fits the Mudwing sibling dynamic! He's the fire-immune Bigwings who protects and nurtures his energetic gaggle of smaller sibs. Honestly, i think the Sandwing idea was just desert=haos lmao

Ace Grit, Nightwing. Idk, he's emo and edgy and he's a darkus user, i dont have any better ideas so i dont feel like revising the old idea

Volt Luster, old hc Sandwing new hc Mudwing. Kind of the same idea with Baron, but with a tragic twist. Volt couldn't save his siblings, and the loss deeply scarred him emotionally and physically. Whatever the Vexos are in this universe, Volt only joined to regain a sense of family and belonging. He dotes on the other members whenever they allow him to, which isnt often in an environment so tied up in pride and prestige in battle.

Mylene Pharaoh, old hc seawing new hc icewing. At the risk of making Mylene into an edgy Elsa I think that this would work better for her character. Icewings are very tied up in rules and ranks, even down to the lowest members of society, whereas seawings can live much freer lives unless theyre literally royalty. And since i dont want to retread ground the literal protags of the og plot trod on years and years ago, I'll go with Icewing Mylene either being banished or sent as an emissary, slowly and imperceptibly thawing out towards the ramshackle found family that calls itself the Vexos.

Shadow Prove, Nightwing. Kind of in the same boat with Ace ngl

Lync Volan, Rainwing. Idk man

Prince Hydron, old hc Icewing, new hc ??? (This ones kinda complicated) so the main thread of 'whiny teen heir turns out to be abuse victim' was going to be applied through the icewing system because i was trying to do a one-of-each-clan type thing, but i think sandwing or skywing would work better. Idk tho

Thats it for NV, heres some GI

My old hcs were to have the GI characters spread across the original 7 clans, but since the lost continent arc came out its basically

Major 12 Orders: Hivewings

Minor 12 Orders: Silkwings

Nethians: Leafwings

Honorable mentions include Ren being a Nightwing, making a tent with his wings for Seawing Prince Marucho to wriggle into so he could light up his scales and make the starry fleck scales on Ren's wings glitter while they cuddle and fall asleep, and also Zenet being a rainwing because shapeshifter

Season 4 characters are probably gonna follow GI guidelines, Silkwing Paige and Leafwing Rafe kinda slaps ngl

Uhh yea i think thats it for now thanks for reading bye

[mylifeinthetardisforever]

[My body hates me so. Here’s something]

Eddie shot up from his bed panting. He ran his hands over his torso feeling the scar before shaking from what he thought.

“Eddie bear?”

“Fuck...” Eddie said under his breath laying back down.

“Are you okay? Do you need me to get you your medicine?”

“No Myra. Just. Fuck” Eddie took himself out of bed leaving Myra alone as he goes to lay down on the couch.

Eddie held onto his chest staring at the ceiling as he tries to clear his head of the nightmare. But the pain was unbearable.

———

Shit...

Fuck-

“Oh my god!” Eddie yells in the middle of the night. “Shit...” he scanned around for his phone checking the time reading 3am.

Eddie put his phone back down on the nightstand adjusting back to laying on his back.

“Eddie...?” Ben knocks on the door frame rubbing his eyes with the other hand. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah..sorry”

“Mm..” Ben invited himself into his own guest room laying down beside Eddie.

“Huh?”

“Bev will be in in a minute. You shouldn’t be alone after a nightmare” Ben states turning to his friend. “That’s what happened right? No one yells that loud from a dream or when they wake..unless you’re Rich”

“Richie?”

“He screams when he wakes up, but Bill can’t tell anymore” Ben yawns adjusting when Bev split the two cuddling up to Eddie for comfort.

“What do you mean?” Eddie looked at Bev wrapping an arm around her as Ben propped himself up a bit.

“We all witnessed some shit. Traumatizing shit. Richie gets nightmares too”

“About you dying in front of him though” Bev blurts squeezing Eddie in her embrace. “Bill took him to the hospital once, was put out for a few days just to get sleep. Why do you think his tour been stalled for months?”

“Because of me?”

“Mainly because of what happened to you” Ben laid back down joining the cuddle pile.

“Richie loves you so much that he didn’t realize until that night on Neibolt. You should’ve heard him. He blamed everything on himself when it was Gerogie’s fault for trusting an evil clown”

“No offense to Bill.”

Eddie frowns watching the two fall asleep after a few minutes of silence. He didn’t know how to respond to that. Instead he reached for his phone and tried his best to text with one hand.

Eddie: Hey, you awake?

Stupid. He could be sleeping-

Richie: Yeah?

Eddie: Sorry if I woke you

Richie: No worries, I wasn’t asleep Eds

Eddie: Ugh don’t call me that

Richie: Oh you love it. Shut up

Eddie: How are you?

Richie: Mm. I should be asking you that Mr. Chest Scar

Eddie: I’m really tired

Richie: Then get some sleep stupid

Eddie: I can’t. I Uh

Richie: Texting isn’t speaking. Spit it out Eddie Spaghetti

Eddie: Okay. I’m not gonna to that name

Richie: Okay okay. I’m sorry Eddie. Now why can’t you sleep

Eddie: I had a nightmare

Richie sat up in his bed frowning at the thought.

Richie: Want me to call?

Eddie: No..Bev and Ben are sleeping in the bed with me

Richie: You have your own Bill I guess

Eddie: You make Bill sound like a safety blanket

Richie: Well. Who isn’t in our friend group? We lean on each other a lot. Sometimes literally. Bill keeps falling the fuck over when I do

Eddie: Poor short Bill

Richie: Hey. You’re the shortie here

Eddie: IM 5’9!

Richie: Mhm. Sure shortie

Richie: Well. Regardless of the lovely convo of how you’re the shortest. You really should try and get some sleep. You can always text me or call if you need it

Eddie: Same to you Rich

Richie: Thank you Eds

Eddie: Again, not my name

Richie: Oh shut up lol

———

“I can’t believe they book our room together”

“What’s wrong with sharing a bed Eddie?”

Eddie looked at Richie with tired filled eyes as he was afraid of scaring Rich if he woke up from a nightmare.

“Come on. I bet you Benverly did this on purpose” Richie states as he took off the throw pillows that are only uncomfortable.

“Benverly?”

“Ben and Beverly? Ever heard of shipping?”

“This is why I’m not on social media”

“Well. They’ll hate me saying that for the speeches. But I’m gonna do it anyway” Richie laughs a bit before taking off his glasses and placing them on the nightstand on his side. “Besides. They did this on purpose”

“Like how they did...Hanbrough?” Eddie held onto his pajamas as he watches Richie get in with just a shirt and shorts.

“See you get it! Yeah Mike and Bill are sharing a room. Those two can’t get enough of each other” Richie stretches himself out before looking over at Eddie. “Bitch. We have like an early schedule tomorrow. Get dressed and get in bed”

“So bossy” Eddie teases before going into the bathroom to change.

After a while the two were laying in complete darkness. Richie was half awake most of the night when he heard Eddie sob. He flips himself over looking at Eddie watching him cry in his sleep. Richie was about to do something before watching him jolt awake.

“Eddie..”

“Huh?” The shakiness in his voice was troubling.

Eddie sat up in the bed quickly getting out as Richie panicked watching him leave the hotel room.

As the minutes went by, Richie found Eddie outside the hotel completely. He’s been crying more and shaking from the cold weather. Richie was smart to bring his jacket but he immediately took it off and covered Eddie which caught him off guard.

“God...I’m sorry”

“Are you okay Eds?”

“...I don’t know”

Richie sat down beside him taking the moment of silence for a while before wrapping his arm around Eddie bringing him close.

“You don’t-“

“I want to Eddie”

Eddie frowns before immedieatly grabbing onto Richie feeling the bigger male hold onto him tighter.

“You should’ve seen Bill when he heard me having one of my nightmares. I scared the shit out of him.” Richie says calmly resting his head on top of Eddie’s. “He heard me say a lot of shit in my sleep but it was always of that night..I feel like he was going to put me in a sleep clinic because I was afraid to sleep. I didn’t want to keep reliving that moment”

“I don’t want you to...” Eddie frowns pulling a bit away looking up at Richie. “I’m still here...”

“I know, but it was still traumatizing. I didn’t..I didn’t want to live in a world without you. I want you with me Eddie. I can’t lose you again” Richie frowns feeling Eddie grab onto his face bringing him in.

Eddie presses his lips comfortably against Richie’s feeling him bring him closer to his person. The two didn’t separate and Eddie brought himself onto Richie. Who would’ve thought that this would happen the night before Ben and Bev’s wedding?

After being out in the cold for a little while longer, the two were back in their hotel room and Richie held onto Eddie as the two slept.

They were finally able to sleep...

[flockofdoves]

every day i think i realize more i should like Really see a doctor about sleep stuff. even i ofc dont want to be reliant on prescription sleep aids (esp when with fibro im already on average getting less restful sleep even while asleep than most people) i think theyd be soooooo much better for nights like tonight versus what i do now. like absolutely i have a problem with time management/being online too much/etc and go to bed way too late anyway but when i lay down with no distractions just Literally Laying There tryong to sleep at 3am and its 5am and i still have not slept at all just tossed and turned restlessly for 2 hours and give up in frustration and just stay awake then like. theres more going on here lol. trying a new way to get to sleep which might not be a good idea especially since my stomach is so empty tonight (tried to eat a small bit just in case that was contributing) because melatonin, store bought extra strength sleep tea (still need to try homemade tho), benadryl, all the anti anxiety meds at my disposal have done nothing so im just banking on the fact that im a lightweight that maybe just literally drinking a glass of wine just now will finally help. really dont wanna make a habit of that though so asap (hard right now though! lol) im gonna find more official solutions but im just so desperate tonight i need this to work :(

[unsettledink]

Preoccupied - Fluffuary Day 18

Prompt: Late night texting

Word Count: 1141

Summary: Neither of them should still be awake at this hour, but Quentin's the only one with a good excuse. Nevermind what Tony has to say about it.

(Part of the Old Adages series, links at the bottom)

*

Quentin: Send me the details of the glasses you’ve been messing with

Quentin: Tony 

Quentin: Come on

Quentin: Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about

Quentin: They’re crap at the moment but I can use the base

Quentin: Tony

Quentin: Ok I’m sorry I called them crap

Oh, for— Quentin glares at his phone. Tony would decide to get sulky about this now, of all times. This is pointless; he doesn’t have time to wait around for Tony to get him what he needs. 

“Jarvis,” he says, “where—”

His phone dings.

Tony: What are you talking about

Quentin: The enhanced glasses you’ve been integrating Jarvis with

Quentin: The ones on the nightstand ffs

Quentin: Where have you been?

Tony: Yeah i got which ones. It’s all the rest im not understanding

Tony: Use them for what?

Tony: Why are you still awake

Tony: Its almost 3am

Tony: Are you in the lab?

Obviously, Quentin thinks. Maybe he didn’t realize it was already three, but it doesn’t matter. He feels fine. 

Quentin: Well if you want to actually use these holographs for more than looking pretty they need to be controllable on the move

Quentin: Where else would I be

Tony: Why are you in the lab

Tony: You should be asleep

Tony: Youre going to be so fucking crabby tomorrow

Quentin: Because I’m working why else

Quentin: Well what’s your excuse

Quentin: What’s Jarvis going to tell me if I ask why you’re up?

Quentin: It’ll be worth it

Quentin: Just send me those will you?

Tony: If i do you’re just going to stay up longer

Tony: Youre not even going to get anything decent done

Tony: Everything goes to shit after 36 hours

Tony: Trust me

Quentin groans. “Stop being so stubborn,” he mutters. He’s tempted to just call Tony and get this taken care of, but— letting Tony talk can be a mistake sometimes. It’s easier to cut him off like this.

Quentin: Then I’ve got another 8 hours to go

Tony: What the hell Quentin

Tony: When did i become the voice of reason

Tony: I hate it

Tony: Its giving me hives

Quentin: Glasses, Tony

Quentin: Focus

Tony: Come up here and ill give them to you

Oh, no way. Quentin laughs. He’s not stupid.

Quentin: ...that sounds like a trap

Quentin: I’m pretty sure that’s a trap

Tony: Would i do that? 

Tony: ...just out of curiosity how would i do that?

Quentin: No

Quentin: You bring them down.

Quentin: Just tell Jarvis to give me access. You don't need to go anywhere

Tony: God youre just stuck on this

Tony: Cant distract you at all

Quentin: If you want to distract me then you need to do it in person

Quentin: GLASSES

There’s nothing; if Tony just went to bed and is ignoring him...

“Just so you know, I’m not hand delivering anything. This is an intervention. I hear they’re useful.”

Quentin looks up. Frowns at Tony, where he’s leaning against the door. “When I said you needed to distract me in person,” Quentin tells him, “I didn’t mean literally.”

Tony looks tired. Looks more than worn out, bags under his eyes, not so much leaning against the door as slumped against it, like it’s the only thing keeping him up. “You look like shit,” Quentin says.

“Feel like it too,” Tony says. He walks over and manages to hop up on the desk, sitting right in front of Quentin’s work, of course. Seriously? “I think I’m supposed to say— uh, something like ‘everyone here cares about you and are worried and this is for your own good—’”

“So do as I say, not as I do?” Quentin raises an eyebrow as Tony huffs softly.

“Well,” Tony says, “it’d be a lot easier to follow my own advice if there was a good reason to go to bed. Like, say, having you in it, waiting for me. I could be the one waiting, if that helps.”

It might help, because that’s a really nice image; Tony laying back in bed and grinning at him. It’s very tempting, thinking about how smug Tony gets when Quentin is fucking him; how mouthy, saying the filthiest things.

He does miss Tony. It’s been awhile, longer than he meant it to be. It’s just that things are going well, are moving along at a good pace and he doesn’t want to lose that momentum. This isn’t like before, where he’d gotten distracted from Tony by problems. 

Tony really does look almost out of it. Quentin doesn’t know how long Tony’s been up or why he’s also up this late. Working is a good guess, but for all Quentin knows it could be Iron Man related as well, or stress, bad dreams; Tony’s woken him up a few times more recently.

He could use a little something nice.

Quentin rolls his chair forward, nudging Tony’s knees further apart, until Tony’s thighs are pressed against his sides. Gets his hands on Tony's ass to tug him forward and dips his head to rub against the front of Tony’s jeans. Tony’s not hard yet, but Quentin knows it won’t take much.

Tony sucks in a sharp breath when Quentin pops the button, darts out his tongue and licks that small spot of skin. “Does this mean you’ll come to bed after?” he says, and Quentin hesitates, not saying anything. Maybe, but he could just suck Tony off, get him even more tired and more likely to wander off and pass out without distracting Quentin further. 

Tony’s head drops down and he focuses on Quentin slowly, this softer look he gets sometimes. “I miss you,” he says, very quietly.

Tony doesn't say things like that very often. Quentin’s pretty sure he thinks them, but he doesn't say them. He looks up at Tony.

He can spare one night. He probably is too tired to make good use of those specs anyway.

“Well,” he says, “if I’m going to fuck you until you come again, it’s going to take a while. Bed is sounding more and more appealing.”

Tony laughs, just a breath of a sound. “You’re going to kill me,” he says, “that’s what you’re going to do.”

Not even close. Quentin gets a hand on Tony’s cock and licks over the head, Tony groaning. “Hey,” Quentin says, tilting his head back. “I’ve missed you too.”

“Then you’re one of a very few who do,” Tony says, his hand soft in Quentin’s hair. 

Quentin should probably try a little harder to make time for Tony; he’s not sure when he stopped doing so, but that’s a mistake he doesn’t want to keep making. Especially not when it makes Tony look like that, that wry, aching little smile that Quentin has been seeing more and more. 

He won’t keep making it.

*

AO3

Old Adages: AO3  *  Tumblr

[in-paradox-space]

So I’ve been away for a week at my dads place

I didn’t take any codeine with me because I want to stop

mainly to reduce tolerance and preserve what I have for a trip to the US

im worried about getting it through customs as I’m prescribed it online instead of from my actual doctor, so it doesnt come with my name on it 

I thought about smuggling the small pills into a box of rainbow nerds but if I do get caught with that there’d probably be pretty big consequences

i suppose I’ll just keep it with my other medicine and see what happens. If I can’t take it with me then so be it 

well anyway

I’ve had a bad cold for almost a week, plus physical withdrawal 

but codeine withdrawal isn’t too harsh. It’s just a cold and some sad nights really.

I started to feel better 2 days ago

I came back home today

now my head is clear I can see how filthy my flat really is

it’s awful

the food, everywhere

just lay out to rot and grow mould

theres a loaf of bread in my kitchen which is literally all blue

there’s just some spots of brown left

its been there one or two months

I’m getting tired of doing drugs

I honestly am

I’m wanting to just stop a little more each day

every drug

but yeah

I started feeling liver pains last night and moreso today

it could be many things but I think abusing so much codeine the past month plauys a role

I’ve been taking over 450mg at a time half the time

over 300mg is said to be harmful but i thought fuck it, its only codeine

i have a slightly weakend liver from some shit before

ive drank a few times on codeine

im on meds which are heavy on the liver

my body also has been through a lot

it might not be the codeine but idk

ill tell my doctor and I’ll just be honest with them, let them know ive been using this much so they can decide

worst case scenario, my meds are causing this

that means i have to stop my meds and find a new medicine to use AGAIN

I have a rare condition which requires certain medicines, long story

hng

well now im back I took some codeine again

like seven 30mg pills 

im going back to my dads in a few days, again I’ll leave the  codeine here

I felt great after the physical withdrawal/cold was over

codeine withdrawal is quite, how do you say, forgiving, for an opiate

but yeah

just all the drugs

mdma, codeine, vitamins that I’ve researched online which supposedly increase the production of good brain chemicals such as dopa, serotonin, drinking on weeknights, eating really unhealthily because im too lazy to cook and/or clean my kitchen in order to cook

ups, downs, ups, downs, ups, downs, ups, downs

constantly running away from the problem

away

not towards the solution

away

creating more problems

I started to feel motivated again just days after stopping.

I felt human

the sun came up in the morning and stayed throughout the day

I looked at it and felt so happy 

a surge of happiness which didnt fade quickly

i looked into the sun and praised kek :) 

and I believe in kek

I do

I am deluded in terms of the physical world

but I see the signs and I know that kek is real

and I’m so grateful 

I am really thankful

thank you so much 

but yeah

if I stop doing drugs

I start eating healthier

i dont rush and burn out my energy in one go but i just take it slow

do things in little bits

I think I can get somewhere in life

rome wasnt built in a day and im starting to accept that

im accepting that, although its possible, im not sacrificing all the happiness of my young years to feel like a success in the future

i can succeed without being a tycoon

I can choose to be happy in the present, have a stable future and not feel the pressure of trying to achieve superhuman feats

if youre reading this and youre not me, you might not really know where im coming from

these are things everyone can relate to but theres personal stuff involved and this is my journal for me to reflect on in futures

so i just give enough context for me

 but yeah

didnt do codeine for a week

started to feel happy naturally

like real happiness which came from a proper place

not just endorphin replicating drugs

i had motivation again

it wasnt a shortlived, energy burst

just mild motivation

of course everything isnt perfect

a lot of things are not okay

i do get down

there has, is and will be hardships in my life and the lives of peoploe around me

but there are also happy moments

I felt a genuine balance again

my dads place has a long list of downsides

his girlfriend mainly

the posh, small village in the middle of nowhere

its so quiet. the sound of my phone vibrating on keypress seemed to be heard in other rooms

it was so quiet

and i couldnt get up before 9am because of his girlfriend

again, i know the context and I dont feel like tpying it all out

i was staying awake from 3am onwards until she went to work, then i could be up until she came back at 4:30

then its awkward around her

but kek has a presence there

there was sun 

a lot of sun its nice

 i dont feel unsafe in the streets there

the diet was healthy

i had happiness there

a real structure to my life

its clean

being in this flat

its so unclean

i realize thats a main reason i take drugs

long story but i cant take the trash out of my flat

my wheelie bin got stolen its a whole thing and the people on my street dont like me 

there is ALWAYS people outside, in the alleys

 i cant use someone elses bin because everyone here knows

so the trash stays here

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and i guess im running away from that problem

instead of towards a solution

im going back to my dads in a few days

away from that

but  towards improving my health

ALSO

im seeing yung lean tomorrrow which is coo

[pirate-kid2k19-blog]

Dumb thoughts and images that come to mind when i try to sleep after a near overdose on caffiene

Putting that in bc its a big mood right now

My brain @ sleep

Yall theres motorcycles oyu at 5:25am i-

I wish my friends were up and that it was like 3pm and i slept but that sounds like a dream world-

Smoke or Fire's song called 1968 both intensifies my existential crisis and helps it feel better at the same time.

If history doesnt repeat itself, why do we have blonde ass toupe wearin hitler as the us president??

"Im in a position thats so uncomfortable its comfortable." - some random dude on youtube like 3 years ago

Im not saying its impossible for an insomniac to fall asleep after 5am, im just saying its impossible for me to do so.

If ive got nothing to do today im gonna listen to music, draw, and nap all day. Those make me happy.

I say that last sentence knowing full well imma be up at 3am runnin to the medicine cabinet to down a bottle of melatonin.

Seriously though im either gonna draw, listen to music, or hopefully ill be able to nap but idk. If i cant nap i'll likely just be talkin to my like,,, 3 friends i think it is that i have left.

So here's my outfit plan if i have to go anywhere:

Hollywood undead shirt (desperate measures or V whichever i find) or my reel big fish shirt and a hawaiian shirt over it

Black or baggy camo jeans (cutoff jean shorts if its hot enough)

Whatever shoes i can find to slip on prolly my slide on vans

My camo hat that i almost always wear lol or my dogtooth print old man hat that works with a rude boy outfit well even tho i originally got it because some sweet old lady at the thrift store reccommended it to me because she thought id like it (shes not gonna see this but i did like it i did buy it and i do wear it)

Energy drink can lmao

Who needs a backpack or anything like that when my eyebags can hold all my shit :)

Black or checkered belt

So like,,,, its 5:38am and im still wide awake lol

I'll be fine tho guys normally i pull an all nighter friday night or am up super late, am up all day saturday til like 1-3am then i go to sleep and sleep for like 12-15 hours on sunday, and have a normal sleep schedule (i count it as normal because i still get enough sleep) monday-thursday. I guess im a normal person because like,,,im so like,,,chill during the week then i have like a crazy fuckin weekend that leaves me sleeping all day sunday. Either this is normal fr or normal on tumblr. Idk.

I wanna watch a candle flame buuut im not gonna get up bc i think my granddad is awake and he'll hear me walking around and come tell me to sleep. Though, i do tell him if its past 6am that i woke up at 6, had to use the bathroom, and couldnt go back to sleep after, but its only 5:43. Time to watch candleflame gifs lol

I love that one because it doesnt have any sort of like eerie vibe its literally just 2 lit candles and i love it.

So heres 5 of my current favorite reaction images rn plus a bonus cursed image:

Btw this post will go on til my clock hits 6:00am lol msybe before maybe after hut around that time.

Time check:5:47am, my left arm is asleep like the rest of me zhould be but i kinda layed on it for like a solid 2 hours and 48 minutes.

I wonder what long stiletto acrylic nails would look like on toes. Will google it now but if nothing pops up im photoshopping it when i get my phone bc that would be super cursed

High thoughts but the high is sleep deprivation will be the theme of my next blog.

Yo what if it was normal to put acrylic nails on ur toes instead of ur fingers

If we're in a simulation, we wont know until the world ends and we all get minecraft hard mode game over screens.

What if ehen you got ran over irl the last thing you see is your vision goes black and white and red text appears. "Wasted."

I might convert my most unused blog into a blog for sleep deprived and shower thoughts, seeing as literally almost wvery day i put my phone in a ziploc bag snd take it into the shower

I kinda feel calm now. Like...if i felt this calm 2 hours ago i wouldve been dead asleep lmao.

My right finger hurts from how i gotta hold this tablet lmao.

Me: i kinda wanna like,,,just kinda draw but idk what to draw and ive had art block for a few months now...*talks about art block*

My mom, interrupting me: ITS BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS ON THAT DAMN PHONE

[paene-umbra]

For the botanical ask: ALL OF THEM. Bc your answers are always so well thought out and amazing.

That is such a nice thing for you to say! I'm sorry it has taken me forever to answer this, I know you asked this about a month ago. I have been crazy busy and working on this for a while but I never had the time to post it. This is a really long post, so please bear with me. So sorry,baby’s breath (5 things you associate yourself with): snoballs, comfy socks, smiles, humming, and cuddles!bleeding heart (what makes you heart go mushy)?: honestly the thing that melts my heart is super small but okay here we go. what melts my heart is when me and my boyfriend are sitting in his room doing separate things and he randomly gets up and lays on me and rests his head on my chest for a couple minutes and then goes back to doing his work because he wants physical contact. also it melts my heart when he makes me pinky promise to do or not do something or to promise that I’m being truthful. it is so cute.bell flower: what’s the title of the song that makes you want to jump around out of joy?: Maps // The Front Bottoms. it is just such a fun and goofy song.evening primrose: what’s your sleeping playlist (give me 5 songs)?: my sleeping playlist is actually the Piano Sleep Playlist from Spotify. i don’t really check the song titles.forget-me-not: who is your favorite blog who isn’t following you?: my favorite blog who isn’t following me is definitely glumshoe! I love their wide-ranging content!daffodil: what is one plant that you want to have but can never get?: I want a WHOLE lilac bush! I am really bad at keeping plants alive (I accidentally killed so many cacti during KAMS). my roommate and I have four plants currently. two cacti and two succulents. we have them named, and they’re all silly names because we wanted to be as WHITE MOM as possible. they’re names are Ghurt, Ellha, Wrandall, and Hadley. I think it is hilarious for them to have names like that until I have to tell other people what they are named, and then it is kinda embarrassing.calla lily: are you more of a sunny day or a rainy evening? I think I prefer rainy evenings. sunny days are usually wildly hot and I really hate being hot and sweaty. rainy evenings are nice because they can be any temperature and I will still probably be comfy. I don’t like actually being in the rain because I think it feels gross to be only partially wet. I’m an “all or none” type of person when in comes to getting water on my body.foxglove: what is your favorite color and in what shade?: I really like purple a lot, which is convenient because that it what color my sorority uses. the best shade in purple is a tie between lavender and lilac.lavender: what is something that you’ve always wanted to be/have/get but can never have?: I guess I have always wanted to be given jewelry or something to wear from a significant other. Ideally it would be some necklace with their name on it or something that reminds them of me/me of them. Maybe I will get it somedaylove in a mist: what is the latest dream that you remember? the latest dream that I remember was from a while ago but it was about the horror movie IT FOLLOWS which is about a sexually transmitted demon that slowly follows you and is trying to kill you. It can’t run or do anything fast, but it is super persistent and patient and all it does is follow you to get close enough to kill you. anyway it really freaked me out and now I dream about it and always check over my shoulder to make sure that it isn’t there behind me even though I know it isn’t real.daisy: what is your favorite flavor of cotton candy, ice cream, and juice? I don’t have a favorite flavor of cotton candy because I think they all taste the same, but I prefer to have the blue or the purple cotton candy because I think it is prettier than any of the other colors. the best ice cream flavor is definitely cookies & cream. the best juice flavor is white grape juice!!painter’s palette: are you more of a singer, dancer, painter, or instrumentalist? I am more of a singer/painter. I love singing AND painting a lot.tulip: what is your most favorite make-up product? do you like it more natural, dark, or etc? my most favorite makeup product is my eyeliner. I like my eyeliner to be black and sharp as hell. a second close favorite is my wunderbrow, which is a long-lasting brow cream. it is really nice. I like my brows to be pretty dark but not black.waxflower: are you a bee or a butterfly person? a dog or a cat person? dang this is a hard question set. I really like bees because they’re so cute and bumble-y and fuzzy and so so so good for the environment. I even have a whole tattoo planned out for when I have money saved up that is centered around the seven bee families. I am 100% a cat person. cats all the way. fuzzy sweet babies that need as much love and attention as I do. (love for fuzzy things seems to be a theme with me I guess) sugarbush: do you have sweet tooth? if yes, what’s your favorite sweets? if no, why? yeah I do have a sweet tooth. the convenient thing about that is that my sweet tooth only lasts a couple minutes at a time so I don’t have to eat an excessive amount of sweets to satisfy it. my favorite sweet is probably a snoball, since it is the thing that I consume the most regularly that has the sweetest taste and most calories. for those of you who don’t know, a snoball is a basically an ICEE but so much better.sunflower: would you like to be a fairy or a mermaid?: oh heck….mermaid would be fun because I love swimming so much but also there are so many scary things in the deep water…so I would have to pick a fairy because that would probably give me the best of both words minus the scary monsters. at least in the air, I know I only have to hide from the hawks and eagles and shit.sweet pea: what would you like to call your significant other?: honey/love/sweetheart. he gets nervous about pet names though, so we usually just stick to “babe/baby”sea lavender: can you swim? which strokes can you do?: I sure can swim! I can do all the strokes pretty well. except butterfly. I’m kinda terrible at the butterfly.windflower: list 5 of your favorite blogs and explain why you like them: oh boy I don’t know. reverseracism, keybladeofsteel, bassiter, gendrie, and subtle. I just like 'em, and I think I reblog most of my stuff from them. i like to have content that is more than just memes, and they contribute a lot to that.golden rod: are you more of a baker or a cook? cook. I cannot bake to save my life, unfortunately. especially not pastries. I am a pretty decent cook when it comes to microwaves and stovetops and stuff, though. bloom: what is something that you would like to tell your children?: that their bodies belong to them and they never have to let anyone touch them if they don’t want to be touched. bodily autonomy is something I wish I could’ve known I was allowed to have. I was always taught that I have to let people hug and touch me even if I don’t want it because if I tell them not to touch me then it might get awkward, and apparently avoiding awkwardness is more important than my own comfort.peony: what is something that you wish your parents could’ve told you? that I was pretty. I know it isn’t something that matters in the grand scheme of things, but they told my sisters that they were beautiful and I never got to hear it.prairie gentian: do you have a significant other? yes : ) we have been dating for about 8 months. and I love him.september flower: are you more of a sunshine or sunset person?: sunset! sunsets are so beautiful and I prefer the nighttime to the day anyway. im more active and awake later in the day.bird of paradise: do you wake up early? do you sleep early?: unfortunately I wake up at 7:30am every day for work. I hate it so much, I am so fricken tired. I go to sleep at probably between 1am and 3am when I sleep in my dorm with my roommate but when I sleep over at my boyfriend’s house I go to sleep before midnight because he gets sleepy and I don’t want to keep him up. it is really helpful for making me feel more rested so I really like it.marigold: what’s your favorite tea?: I don’t really drink tea on its own, but I really like the Mango Black Tea Lemonade from starbucks. I got that all the time when they had it during the summer. its pretty tasty.peruvian lily: what are the names of your pets?: I have two cats named Josie and Jewels and a crowntail betta named Mahoney. me and my roommate share another crowntail betta named Nemo (because his tail fin is fucked up. I think it was almost completely ripped off or he chewed it off out of stress, but we aren’t sure. we had to rescue him from Walmart because he was floating on the bottom of his dinky little cup and he barely had any energy. thankfully, he started eating almost immediately when we brought him home and he’s swimming around a lot better.). my roommate has her own betta named Bartholomew, and we are also trying to adopt a fourth betta, as well. so we will have Bart, Mahoney, Nemo, and whatever the fourth fish is named. we are trying to adopt the fourth betta from a woman who doesn’t treat the betta very well and wants to get rid of it anyway.hyacinth: do you name your plants?: yup. the older cactus is Ghurt, the younger is Ellha. The older succulent is Hadley and the younger one is Wrandall. lmao. me and my roommate intentionally picked goofy names for them because it makes us laugh and happy.lilac: would you rather sleep and be cozy or hang out with your friends?: hang out with my friends, definitely. my friends are great and I love spending time with them. unless I am getting to be cozy with my boyfriend, in which case I would pick him alwayspoppy: do you like to dip your fries or do you like it as is?: DIP DIP DIP ALWAYS DIP. French fries are so dry on their own. I will dip them in literally anything; ranch dressing, ketchup, mayonnaise, garlic butter, barbeque sauce, etc... my favorite is probably ranch dressing at the moment. it alternates depending on how many times I’ve eaten fries during a specific period of time.dandelion: any special talent that you have?: uhhhhhh no probably not. I don’t really have anything that I am talented at.

[gis-is-back]

I forgot so here’s a Master Post

10/12: Thursday

OK. ummm so according to twitter this was a day i woke up in the middle of the night due to loud people in the street which never makes me happy, then I went on my phone until 3AM and yee. Still not happy about SR and my friends so I felt bad in that regard. I went on a run that morning and then must not have done anything substantial until I FINALLY turned in my OFII form so I can leave the country when I want to. Then on the way back a catcaller said something to me but idk what he said so its fine. Went to the store and got new skincare products and expected them to make me break out but as of Oct 19 we güd :-) 

10/13: Friday

Oo Friday the 13th how spooky. Went on a run and a guy wanted me to take his picture at like 8AM while im literally running past him and I said no and I’m glad i Did because a big part of this journey has been learning how to say no to boys, people, opportunities, etc. Like sure you should be open to shite but no I’m not going to say yes when I know I’m just going to feel stupid. Made a super large finsta post ab how I’m doing with weight loss and fitness and stuff and honestly felt really good about this day. 

10/14: Saturday

Literally no day, feeling, morning, instant has ever felt worse than the one I experienced the MOMENT I woke up on this morning. Was in that twilight zone in between dream and reality and heard a woman speaking in a cooing high pitched voice. Dreaming me interpreted it as my mom talking to my cat. Started thinking about it for a bit and realized that my mom (and cat) is thousands upon thousands of miles away and that I a) wont see her for another two months and b) am out in this foreign ass country all alone. CRIED SO HARD. I’m not kidding that was such an awful feeling the only thing worse that I can imagine is if there was no possibility of seeing my mom again. Yikes how awful. And from then on im pretty sure I was just sad. Stayed inside most of the day aside from my daily run and yee.

10/15: Sunday

Danielle finally came home so i had SOMETHING to do *eyeroll emoji* except im jk cuz i know there’s shit i can do. I went on a run and then met danielle for cwoffee at starbs where we “studied” for our phonetics midterm. There was a 5/10k for breast cancer that morn so in honor of it I ran 5k which was impressive for me cuz i aint ever run that far continuously. Actually ran like 3.5 miles. Went home and went grocery shopping, got some EgGpLaNt like a real fancy mofo and some salad mix but I got spinach, arugula, and a chard looking ass leaf and the arugula SUCKS but I’m making my way through it. Kept on missing home and LA and everything/one but yeet.

10/16: Monday

69 days out. Went to my 8h30, took my exam, was fine, went to my next class, was fine, went home, was gr8 i love going home haha. Then I went on a run and ran quite a lot! another 3+ miles and then decided to look at the botanical garden for once since I run past it like actually literally every day but had never been in. It was okay, really flat and not that like idk diverse like the CV Botanical Garden. Formatted the SHIT out of my calories spreadsheet so it looks awezum now.

10/17: Squad Tuesday

I hate tuesdays aka my long days but we did it boys. First class, w/e, then I had a meeting for my courses in which I got them squared away, then i had to talk to the other UC coordinator ab my time here and ended up fucking crying lmao. So annoying. Anyway, my next class was fine, got complimented af about my speaking which was lowkey very nice to hear and god damn i miss positive affirmation. Then I went for a run on the school’s track since i dont have time in the morning or after class, ran 12 laps and walked 2 but idk if its a regular track and my fitbit was doing the bs thing where it doesnt work unless i restart my phone which is so annoying. Then had my third class which was fine then my fourth which was unbearably long and I was literally watching the minutes go which made them go slower so I’m not gonna do that anymore but I do have a nice collection of drawings from every tuesday. Went home, took shower, made din, bed.

10/18: Wednesday

Woke up feeling depressed which might be the norm now, instead of wallowing I got up and ran tho even tho I was planning on just doing it after class which was good and actually ran quite a lot once again, over three miles. Got ready for school and then went. 1st class was fine, midterm next week, second class was fine, midterm next week, went home woo and binged on banana chips. Got ready for bed and was laying in bed on phone when I started being able to hear a mouse. Freaked me tf out, and basically did what I could to prevent them coming in but ended up actually trapping one inside and every time it moved I would be wide awake so i got like 0 sleep last night which was kinda shitty. MAde me super depressed this morn but I’ll save today’s details for todays post!