#im literally CRYYYINGGGGG theyre so funny wtf

[ninkaku]

dazai. can i hit you? / ichiban… rofling

the day's heavy rainfall, though it had soaked them to the bone during their standstill in the dark alley, at the very least served to offer cover for their hushed discussion regarding their exit from the heavily fortified area they'd found themselves trapped in during a botched escape. ichiban's fault, dazai would say, because the blame could never fall unto him and his genius. dazai had lost his knives in a previous scuffle, gun tucked into its holster beneath his coat but between them remained only three bullets. which meant that unless their enemies formed a neat line for which to shoot through as many of their skulls as possible, they would be of very little use. dazai had proposed using two of the bullets to shoot their own brains out, citing: “ escape is a hopeless dream, we should be lucky to die before being put through gruesome torture, so we should just give up and die ! ” but the idea had been very quickly dismissed, leaving him pouting and for a moment, unwilling to offer any further solutions.

minutes of sulking later and he proposed acting as ichiban's distressed hostage. those outside of their respective organisations had yet to know that they were working together, and so long as those standing to attention at their desired exit were as stupid as dazai expected them to be, they would hear his broken cries for help and hopefully ignore any pressing thought that dared to say he was, in fact, dressed strikingly similar to a suspect of interest that had before infiltrated the establishment. they would see him as nothing more than a helpless child, their own saviour - complexes kicking into gear at the sight of the tears dazai would squeeze out, especially for the occasion, and allow them to get as close as possible before they could strike and take their weapons from them. “ yes ... no ? if you said no to the other thing because you don't want to shoot me, i can shoot you first and then myself. if you'd like. ” he spoke once he had explained the plan to ichiban, leaning into his space, water dripping from the tip of his nose and brows raised as if again asking him to reconsider his favoured murder - suicide suggestion with a little more notice to the torture they would both inevitably suffer if his plan didn't work.

“ dazai. ” came his answer, and dazai deflated as though waiting for the resounding no he expected to hear. readying himself for the heaved sigh and performed expression of disappointment he would give. “ can i hit you ? ” ah. unexpected, but a step in the right direction. at the very least, ichiban looked on board with the plan, even though dazai saw it as more effort than it was worth for the percentage of failure it presented, and itched instead for the cold press of metal against his forehead, or in his mouth, as he hadn’t yet decided which would be the more beautifully painted picture of the two ... but with ichiban's input, he took a moment to think.

it would make it more believable, the two of them as yet to sustain any noticeable injury for all of their proficiency in beating their enemies before they had a chance to land a meaningful hit, and a little windedness to his voice or red sting to the side of his face would certainly aid the image of being a child unwillingly captured. he pursed his lips, parting them with a click of his tongue before pushing to stand from their crouched positions behind a trashcan. he would simply have to bear the pain, because the remaining bullets were sneakily held in ichiban's gun and dazai saw no victory in trying to wrestle them from him, being completely outmatched in his lesser size. that would just be embarrassing. “ why not ? just make it good. i'd better see stars. ” he expected he would possibly be sent to the soaked floor and so slipped his arms out of his coat, haphazardly shoving it between the spaces on a nearby ladder before turning to face ichiban, shaking out his limbs and then deflating again with something of a forlorn sigh as one hand came to loosen his tie, then beckoning him to stand with two fingers. “ come on. what side do you want ? ”