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sharkb0yinthewat3r · 5 years ago

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What was coming out like for you?

For years I was closeted and i really didn’t want to do it. I go back and forth between whether or not I thought it was unnecessary or I told myself it was unnecessary so I wouldn’t have to do it. It was probably a little bit of both.

I knew for a while that at the very least my mom knew since she was the only one dropping hints. But if she did so did everybody else. After I was like truly accepting of myself, I really did buy into the narrative that i didn’t need to do it. On one hand I felt like everyone in my family already knew so there was no need to inform them, there was no need to bring it up out of nowhere unprompted, and it’s just ridiculous that that’s something anyone has to do. I’m more than my sexuality and straight people don’t have to come out.

Anyway this ended up being a really long post feel free to read all of it, but the main takeaway is that coming out was scary. Even when I knew nothing big was going to come of it, there’s just like this anxiety I had and I think it’s normal. Im lucky to live a life where I can be myself freely without having to be concerned about repercussions. I would say me coming out to my friends/just not hiding who I was from them was a great experience. My cousins were so great. My mom and my sister, I guess I wish that those had gone better which is crazy to me because they had known the longest and had so long to prepare and just didn’t have ideal reactions (far from awful but it was kinda just like uhhh ok?) and then my dads is probably my favorite bc that’s how it should be for everyone. It was ultimately very freeing for me but it was also like very uncomfortable for me.

My coming out happened in 4 phases:

1. College freshman year: i was struggling with my sexuality after I got my first crush and wasn’t sure whether or not people would accept me and eventually I told one friend that I lived with and he never treated me differently, I think I told three other friends that were girls, but overall it was extremely difficult to communicate for me. I would say that this was a time in which I was still closeted.

2. I now work on accepting myself and don’t really talk about it with people unless it comes up for the next three years. I’m now in my fourth year of college and join an org where I’m placed on a committee that’s essentially 60% gay males 40% straight males (and girls). My goal when joining was just to be open and let people get to know me. I was still middle ish of the road and sorta wanted to be perceived as straight. I think people just kind of started to assume I was gay and it was like “oh I don’t have to think about telling anyone anything or acting a certain way. I can just be myself” and I kinda just let loose and as we started hanging out and going to parties together I was able to open up and be myself judgement free and it was just so much fun and that’s when I like TRULY accepted myself and I was like life should be like this all the time. I can’t believe I haven’t been doing this. This was more of like a me coming out to myself than anything else and showing myself how enjoyable life can be when you don’t bottle yourself up.

3. Same year (after my first semester) Even though I was very open with my friends at school, this was my first time home for a ‘long break’ and I wasn’t as open with my family. Me and my two female cousins went out for a day together in the city and then ended up at a bar where they were talking about the kind of guys they were into and my one cousin mentions that she’s into older guys and I didn’t say anything and then our other cousin went to the bathroom and I was like btw I’m gay and I only wanted to preface that bc when u said u were into older guys I was like legit same I know exactly what you mean. My other cousin came back from the bathroom and then we laughed about it, but they were the sweetest and most supportive I could’ve wanted. I don’t think I’d ever felt as close with them as I did in that moment. They asked if anyone else knew and I was like well my friends but that’s it and they said they wouldn’t tell anyone and I thanked them.

A few nights later I met my sister out at a bar for her birthday in the city. I was hanging out with her friends (who I knew just not on a real personal level) because she was dancing and making out with some guy. This is actually kinda funny. It was winter and the bar was hot so I tied my jacket around my waist (as I often do bc that’s just typically part of my look, kinda like a staple of mine tbh) and her friend is like “ryán why are you wearing that around your waist, go put it in the coat check” and I was like no thanks like I really don’t mind having it on my waist, I like the way it looks and I honestly don’t wanna pay and she’s like “you have to check it, any girl who walks in here and sees a guy with a jacket around his waist will not want to get with him” and I looked at her and laughed and was like “lol ok well that’s fine because I’m into guys anyway” and she was taken aback like “OH” and I was like lol r u surprised and she was like well your sister just never told me that and I said well idk why she would, like for one I’m not sure why that would be a topic of discussion between the two of you and for two I haven’t told her anyway. She and my sisters other gay friend practically forced me to tell her the entire night and I was like um ok. And then my sister got mad at me for telling them before her and made it all about herself and I was drunk crying running to the bathroom lol and she followed it up with SO MANY questions and was like you gotta tell mom and dad we talk about it all the time. And I was like 1. No I don’t, if they wanna know they can ask me I don’t care 2. That’s kinda fucked up that you guys talk about me and my sexuality all the time behind my back?? 3. If you just said u all know why do I have to tell you. There isn’t really more to the story there, it was her telling me to and me saying no.

4. It is the 2019th summer. Id thought many times about telling my parents I wanted to go to pride and just like ended up saying nothing. Fact of the matter was that I wasn’t proud and honestly even if I wanted to go I didn’t know who I’d go with. My parents are VERY religious and when I was younger I had heard my mom express worry about a girls mother after the girl had come out as a lesbian l o l. Years go by and my mom got me a pamphlet for the lgbt center mixed in with a bunch of other papers when I moved in my freshman dorm, said a lot of encouraging things to me like telling me “you can date anyone you want” and asking me about my love life (this kind of stuff happened between stages 1 and 2). Nothing was explicitly said but I think we both silently acknowledged it. She even asked about one of my gay friends bc I think she thought we mightve been dating (between stage 3 and 4) which we were not and never have hooked up or anything. Honestly I knew they’d be supportive and I knew they weren’t going to kick me out, I just didn’t know how they’d honestly and truly take it. And by the time that I didn’t give a fuck about how anybody “took” the “news” I was aware that they knew and subscribed to all the beliefs that I listed above. If they wanted to know so desperately they could ask me. At this point I wasn’t even trying to hide it. A guy kinda fucked me over right before school was over and I was talking to her on the phone and she was asking how I was and why I sounded meh and I just told her guys suck without trying to get into it. Anyhow picture this, straight pride has just been confirmed for August 2019. Gays are distressed everywhere. Can we not have one thing??? I share a post to my insta story stating something along the lines of “straight pride isn’t necessary and you should be happy you don’t need it. LGBT people need pride because we still don’t have equal rights and people get killed every day for being a part of this community and people get kicked out of their homes for loving someone, etc.” and I guess my mom saw it and was like that was an interesting post on your instagram and I was like lol ok thanks. (She had thought I didn’t think I was safe in my own home and that’s why I wasn’t coming out) And she’s like is there something you want to tell me? And I say is there something you want me to tell you? And she says only if you want to. And I say “what mom do you want me to tell you I’m gay? Like it’s not a secret. I know you know and everybody else knows.” We went on a walk and she said some highly questionable microaggressions but meant with overall support. At this point though like I already accepted myself so I could just roll my eyes and be like lol whatever you don’t get it.

Then my dad comes back and she calls him to the kitchen and is like I think you should tell him now. And i was like gurl what? This is so out of nowhere and so ridiculous. You’re really going to do this after we just had an hourlong discussion on why I didn’t feel the need to come out. And my dad comes in and is like what’s up and I say hey just so you know I’m gay, ok? And he says ok.

#omg this is so fucking long im so sorry #ive been writing so many novels for asks lately #ask

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r-o-se · 8 years ago

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A summary on Produce 101 Season 2 Episode 8 its ya boy back at it agian with another let’s play this time its evaluations and painful crying time

1. BOA GOT THEM FOOD SHE GOT EVERYONE PIZZA

2. Physically restraining myself from screenshotting everything Jinwoo appears in and posting those as the best moments

3. They show the winners of each category again aka Taehyun, Jonghyun and Gunhee

4. Sfkdjhlajk who said that those clips of hugging crying trainees are acceptable

5. Seonho keeps saying 1, 2, 3 and looking at Guanlin as if he wants him to say ‘fighting’ but none of them will say it lmao I love my dumb chicks

6. They showed solo clips of both Daniel and Jisung but not Jinwoo haha nice ;)

7. Kiiahoiadjh Hyunbins failed b-boying how beautiful

8. I am not emotionally prepared for this Jinwoo won’t make it I have too many goddamn faves just stab me

9. Ok they’re showing concept evaluation stuff first this is basically like last season

10. Im crying Jonghyun is 1st and BoA publically thanked him he is so shy and aaaaaaaahhhhh

11. Ok the voters choose the best team and the idol that suits the concept best, most voted team gets FUCKING 220 000 VOTES!!! THE FUCK!! And the trainee who gets the most votes out of the team gets 100k votes, the rest from that team get 20k

12. And here we gooooooooo the producers, first, Shihn Hyuk one did stuff for SHINEE!!!!!!!!! And also EXO and Justin Bieber I guess lol his song is ‘I Know You Know’

13. Kigen & Assbrass from Monsta X next, they wrote hiphop song ‘Oh Little Girl’

14. Ren’s visuals are done so dirty in this show I swear to god

15. Next comes Geunwoo, ASHTRAY and Oh Seonghwan from Kyuhyun and Yesung who wrote a nu disco genre song ‘Showtime’ and LMAO THE CHOREO FOR IT HAS DONGMYEONG’S SIGNATURE DANCE AAAHAHAHAH POOR PLAGIARIZED ELIMINATED BABY

16. Now composers called Devine-Channel who did songs for VIXX!!!! and BTS and their contribution is a Future EDM song ‘Open Up’

17. TRIPLE H WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCKKKKKK THEY MADE A SONG

18. It’s a Deep House genre song called ‘Never’

19. Overall, Open Up and Never sound the best imo holy fuckkkkk those songs are LIT AS HELL

20. Danik, Dongbin and Kiwon did the unthinkable and hinted at the songs they want and as a penalty they get sorted last

21. I know Daniel wanted the fourth song which makes me emo bc I LOVE THAT SONG!!!! SO MUCH!!!!!! And now he cant get it lmao dumb boyo

22. They look so ashamed aw

23. Now everyone are getting sorted to songs, Baekho first aaaaaaand they didn’t show us what he got I don’t think they show any songs before the teams are full agh

24. Everyone get their songs one but one and the reactions vary from jumping to absolute neutrality lol I’m not gonna say all of their names

25. BoA brought up Samuels 15 place rank drop Kindly Shut Up Please

26. Samuel, Sanggyun and Namhyung are all in one group

27. Jaehwan also chose Hyunbin as the one he doesn’t want to be in a group with since he has already been with him twice aaaaaahahahhahah

28. Jaehwan DOES want to be with Jonghyun and so do Baekho and Yongguk as well EVERYONE LOVES HIM THIS IS SO CUTEEEE

29. JONGHYUN IS WITH JAEHWAN AND THEY HUG RIGHT AWAY!! CUTE!!

30. Winkdeep are the only ones in their practice room well nvm THAT’S HYUNGSEOB all the cute popular visual ones are together again

31. Taehyun joined the badassery that is Samuel, Namhyung, Sangbin and Sanggyun and Samuel IMMEDIATELY goes like OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! SAME THO FUCK I LOVE TAEHYUN

32. ???? Woodam went to the badasses room?? GOOD CONCEPT!!!

33. Jihoon is discussing his endless aegyo techniques

34. IT IS GUNHEE IN THE ROOM OF CUTIES!!! AND SUUNGWOON WITH JR

35. The Sinners are all in that room and give their formal apologies aw kiddos it’s ok I don’t care lol

36. Danik goes to the practice room where JINWOO IS!!!!!! YES!!!!AND SO DOES KIWON!

37. Dongbin is with the cutie group lol

38. The song for the badassery group is SHOW TIME!! Sangbin is dead inside but Samuel just gave a kiss to the song sign lmaooo

39. Jonghyun group gets Never also HOLY SHIT this team has Jonghyun, Minhyun, Jaehwan and Seongwoo are all here it is like 2/3 of Sorry Sorry lol

40. The cutie team gets Oh Little Girl Justin looks so blessed out of this world and hugs w Hyunngseob YUEHUA PRIDE!!!!!

41. All other group want open up lol

42. Danik-Baekho group GETS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

43. So the other group gets I Know You Know everyone are crying inside

44. The temporary centers for Oh Little Girl are chosen now, Ren, Jihoon and Euiwoong all want to be center

45. They are trying out and honestly I have such second hand embarrassment rn but everyone think Jihoon and Minki were better including Hyungseob whos labelmates with Euiwoong

46. Wait so… Jungjung, Euiwoong, Justin and Hyungseob are ALL in the Oh Little Girl group damn whole Yuehua squad here

47. KAHI JUST BOUGHT THIS YUEHUA THING UP!!! I SAW IT BEFORE!!!

48. Euiwoong was really worried about doing mistakes but KAHI CONGRATULATED HIM BC HE DID RLY WELL!!! CUTE!! DON MILLS TOO!!! LIL KID SLAYING IT

49. JINWOO LOOKS SO GOOD HERE!!!!

50. Anyways Jinwoo was like maybe someone who is good with dance as the leader for Open Up team since it has a hard dance and Baekho was like ya what about Daniel AND THEN INSOO IS LIKE WHAT ABT U DONGHO IKAJAKI TRAINEES LOVE BAEKHO WILL MNET FINALLY STOP LYING

51. Baekho still pushes it back to Daniel and Danik is like I’d totally love to be the leader JINWOO NODDING ALONG MMO PRIDE

52. Apparently Daniel is having problems paying attention to all 12 people and Kenta is a bit salty over it and tbh I understand his reasoning

53. But Daniel noticed it too and heh fucking apologized don’t drag him for this he’s younggg and doesn’t know that much about leading

54. It’s Showtime team now and everyone want Woodam to be the venter but HWISEUNG IS THERE TOO!!! PAY ATTENTION TO MY BABE HES AMAZING AT HIGH NOTES GIVE HIM SCREENTIME!!!!!

55. Hwiseung was 56 but raised to 36 LET MY BOY!!! LIVE!!! PLEASE!!!

56. Taehyun recommends the cringefest that is facial expression battle

57. Wtf the two ones who didn’t even sing got to be the centers what’s going ooooooonnn

58. EVERYONE ARE SHOOK BY HWISEUNG AND WOODAMS ADLIBS AND FOR A GOOD REASON AAAAA THEY ARE SO GOODDDD

59. He’s so cheerful and keeps cracking jokes LET MY BOY!!! DEBUT

60. Never team is choosing the center I hope Sungwoon gets it tbh let my boy rise some ranks

61. The centers are Guanlin and Minhyun rip I mean I love both of the kids but LET SUNGWOON SHINEE!! FOR ONCE

62. SUNGWOON VOLUNTEERED FOR SOLO DANCE CHECKUP PLEASE DO WELL BABE I BELIEVE IN YOU HE DOES REALLY WELL IM SO GLAD BABE I LOVE U IM PROUD OF U I LOVE U LOTS PLEASE DO WELL

63. HE DID WELL AND GOT PRAISED A SHITTON I AM SO PROUD BABE KILL IT KILLL IT WELL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!! DEBUT!!! PLEASE!!!!!!

64. I Know You Know has a shiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttton of low ranking trainees and I feel so so sorry for all of them ugh

65. WHY IS HWANOONG SO LOW RANKS CMON PEOPLE!!! HE WAS CENTER!! HE IS FUNNY!! HE IS CUTE!!! WHY YALL HATING

66. The centers are Donghan and Hwanoong and all of them got praised a lot by Kahi and even Hyunbin got the footwork down fml I’m so proud of my kids

67. This elimination gonna hurt no matter what I got too many faves they show the lower ranked kids like Woo Jinyoung and Hwanoong and Dongbin and Justin and whatnot I AM SO SO EMO!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! LET MY KIDS LIVE

68. Most of those kids already feel that they’re gonna drop and it’s so fucking depressing I love so many of those kids I feel so bad rn oh my fucking god II want to save them all I want them to be happy and popular and debut well

69. 23 of my own children are gonna be beat away from this show I am so angry anyways thte last time there was abt 2.5mil votes this time its GODDAMN 5.5 MILLION WHAT ON EARTH

70. HYUNBINN SURVIVED THANKK GOD!!!! THANK FUCK!!!!!! I am not allowed to cry about each trainee I CANT

71. YEHYUN MADE IT MY MUSICAL GENIUS!!!!! FUCK!! HIS STATS ARE LIKE A ROLLERCOASTER

72. Moonbok deadass fell from 2nd to 32nd what the fuck this show is so unpredictable and I hate it

73. KENTA BABY MADE EIT WITH 0 SCREENTIME I LOVE MY BOY SO MUCH

74. Gunhee also made it what the fuck why is he such a low rank with the goddamn 110k benefit and you can see the light leave Hwanoongs eyes because if Gunhee is so low what happens to him

75. Its HF and Woodam went up he fell like 10 places fuck he said ‘You’ll have to go up’ to Jinyoung IM SO SADD!! FUCK!!!!!

76. SUNGWOON MADE IT!!! HE LOOKS LIKE A LIL CLOUD W HIS BLEACHED HAIR!! PROUD OF U BABE

77. SUNGHYUK MADE IT AGAIN!!! ROSE SO FUCKING MUCH!!!! HE WAS 95 BUT NOW HE IS 24 WHAT ON E A R T H HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK

78. TAEHYUN IS THERE!!!! HOTTSHOT BOYSSSSSSSSS IM PROUD HE HIGHFIVED SOMEONE IN THE LINE

79. Oh my god 20th place trainee already has over 1mil votes this is fucking wild whos it gonna be ITS REN!!!!!! WHYS HE SO LOW!! HE FELL TWO PLACES WHAT THE FUCK

80. Everyone are apologizing this is so sad also JIHOON ACTUAL ANGEL SAID HE MIGHT BE PERSUADED TO GIVE HIS CENTER POSITION TO REN WHAT ON EARTH

81. Hwiseung is so bright and cute…. How does he do that….

82. Jinwoo looks dead inside like he has already accepted his place…… but also proud and smiley at Jisung and Daniel… I’m so sad yall what the fuck

83. WOOJIN DIDN’T HIGHFIVE YOUNGMIN AND WOOJIN RAN BACK FROM THE STAGE TO HUG HIM BRAND NEW PRIDE

84. I hate Hwiseung why is he so good…. And loveable… in those dark times… fucking god I’m so sad

85. BoA said cue and Seonho just stood up without the name and BoA was like wdym and Seonho is like it cant be Guanlin bc he’s a superstar

86. KJALFSA HYUNGSEOB IS THANKING WOOJIN IN HIS SPEECH IM SO EMO THIS IS SO CUTEEEEEE

87. SEWOON EXPOSED MNET BAEKHO AINT SCARY GET FUKT BOIIII ITS TOP 11 TIME NOW

88. Oh my GOD it’s a god fucking damn cutscene are you SERIOUS!! Blocked anyways they have a punchinc machine it will be somekinda strength off and they deadass chopped the 1st place seat off and put it there

89. HWISEUNG AND BYUNMIN ARE THE MC’S why are they doing this to me

90. Ren is so dumb I love him how does he do THAT with his shoulders

91. Seongwoo is there and he sure is making himself look cool he does into the trainees to go faaaaaaaaaaar so he can get the motion in and puts sooo much into the show BUT FUCKING STAYS UNDER 900 I LOVE MY DUMB SON HE IS SO STUPID AAAAAAHAHHA FUCK I LOVE HIM HES SO FUNNY EVERYONE ARE LAUGHING LIKE HYENAS

92. Donghyun was embarrassing w his stretching but fuckin WRECKED that machine taking the throne from Sunghyuk who took it from Dongbin

93. ITS BAEKHO TIME GODDAMN HWISEUNG SAID IT’S BOSS FIGHT LMAO I LOVE THEM

94. His punching sound was so loud holy fuck AND HE GOT THE IDENTICAL SCORE!!! WHAT!! LMAO

95. Rematch, Donghyun hit 949, Baekho 950 lmaooooooo MY SUNSHINE TIGER

96. We are back in the elimination its rank 11 ITS BAEKHO!! MY BABE!! MY FIRST BIAS!! POWER VOCAL DUMBO!!! LOVE U!!!!!!!! BoA asked him to do aegyo I’m so done lmaoooooooo

97. Seeing low ranked trainees be quietly emo and cry is seriously the worst fucking feeling I’m so angry and sad

98. JAEHWAN IN TOP 10 INDIVIDUAL TRAINEE PRIDE!!! I LOVE U BABE UR AMAZING BY VOCALS AND PERSONALITTY AND LOOKS I HOPE U DO WELL!!!!!

99. Danik fell by 6 spots I’m emo and he even apologizes at everyone HE IS SO CUTE!!! FUCK!!! STAY UP THERE BABE

100. Ong has a lot of male fans and Guanlin was like ‘I’m a fan too’ why shouldn’t you be tbh that dude is perfect in each way like hes pretty and can sing can dance ran rap and has a sense of humor the hell else do u want then

101. Minhyun got 5th and his face on the big screen everyone are like fuck hes hot anyways HE SAID HE WANTS TO DEBUT W JAEHWAN I love how close Jaehwan is with 2hyun aaaaaaahhhh

102. YOUNGMIN IN A PUPPY HUG PILE I LOVE U RED ALPACA BABE

103. HE IS GONNA DO SOME BITCHASS ALPACA DANCE SINCE HE GOT 5TH AAAAHAHA SO CUTEEEEEEEEE

104. The top 4 is Jihoon, Guanlin, Jonghyun and Daehwi

105. Daehwi is 4 and thanked his mom in America poor kid HES CRYING!!!!!! HE HUGGED YOUNGMIN SO TIGHT!!! THIS IS SO FUCKING SAD!! FUCK POOR BABBIE

106. JIHOON IS THIRD!! EVERYONE WERE SO READY THAT ITS GONNA B GUANLIN INCLLUDING HIMSELF

107. OK OVERALL HOW THE FUCK DID GUANLIN GET SECOND!! GODDAMN AINT I SHOOK!!! GOOD JOB LIL CHICKEN

108. JONGHYUN!!!!! BABY!!!! GENTLE SUNSHINE AND BEST LEADER!!! BEAUTIFUL SMILING CHILD!!! A BAB WEEB!!! IM SO PROUD!!!!!!! IL OVE HIM SO MUCH IM EMO!!!!!! HE CRIED ABOUT NBOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH THOSE YEARS BACK!! AND NOW HERE HE IS!!! NATIONS LEADER, LOVED AFTER FINALLY HAVING SOME EXPOSURE!!!!! FUCK YOU PLEDIS FUCK EVERYONE WHO HAVE SAID SHIT ABOUT HIM I LOVE HIM AND HE IS BEAUTIFUL AND GOOD FUCK YALL

109. I’m dead Guanlin thanked Baekho and then asked BoA to buy them more food b a b e

110. ITS TIME FOR THE 35TH!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!! THE CANDIDATES ARE SUNGWOO, DONGSU, DONGHAN AND EUNKI AND ALL OTHER OF MY FAVES ARE DEAD AS FUCK IM SO SAD RN

111. DONGHAN MADE IT!!!!!!! BLONDIE BABY!!!!! HES CRYING SO HARD!!!!! I FEEL SO EMO ABOUT ALL OF MY FAVE BUT HE MADE IT!!!!! TAEHYUN LOOKED SO LUCKED OUT WHEN HE WAS ANNOUNCED!!!!!! BABY DOLL IM SO PROUD OF YOU YOU DESERVE IT!!!!!

112. Hwiseung dropped 3 ranks this is why god doesn’t exist

Overall THANKS MNET FOR ONLY GIVING HWISEUNG AND HWANOONG SCREENTIME WHEN THEY GET ELIMINATED LOVE YA

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