#im kicking the dirt actually i think the meanest thing im doing to him here is making him withdraw into something he's Not

[lifesver]

alright hold on here are The Thoughts

i think growing up it was very like... leland trying to fit himself into a box, or an image that people had for him. which started with his dad and literally just trying to get the 'i'm proud of u' one singular time. dad was tough on him, only son, 70s, a little more sensitive than most boys his age etc. truly the root cause of why he can so easily get caught in cycles of people-pleasing, and is so easy to manipulate, and so easy to knock down a peg. bc he already has those preconceptions of himself, and when those things get confirmed, he just goes oh. yeah i guess so. you peaked in highschool? sure did man. you're not good enough for your friends? true!

leland who pushed himself into a golden boy status in his tiny little town. who made that his entire Thing for a while. he pushed himself in athletics and he pushed himself in academics so he could make it into that ivy school. and then getting to university where just about everything ripped a stripe off him. a lot of it was good humbling (from his friends), that made him loosen up and stop trying to exist in that box. but it was also just a wake up call of like, not being the best, and in fact being mostly average. which there's 0 things wrong with but when you have the ex golden boy complex it's so over for the mental.

i think about how after he had to drop out of school it was like. extra tough. going back to your small town after you were supposed to make something of yourself in college. seeing the people you knew from highschool, some of them having never left, some of them looking at you with judgement like haha how did you mess that up golden boy omg??? having to be there while his friends finished up their schooling, and then moved away. nothing like coming back to your childhood room after you've outgrown it and remembering being just a little younger than you are now, and all the things you thought you would be and get to do. spending basically a year rotting at home with zero motivation and just a completely gutting fear of being out in public until it's like. well i can't just do this huh.

and then having to go work for/with his dad so he doesn't put too much of a burden on his mother who's helping april with her kids now. just contractor work stuff and having to listen to his dad yap about whatever all day. having that oppressive influence on his shoulders again cutting down any personal growth he had made toward things like... self expression in the realms of his appearance or sexuality or identity and even just embracing silly interests or whatever. it all just went back in the box, bc he knew he wasn't going to be able to get out from under his dad's roof until he could save enough money to pay off school (lol rip the scholarship) and then move out. and generally just being like oh thats cool. i'm going to never leave this town. just like him (: cool cool cool!!

and he doesn't!!! he doesn't leave for twenty years. he gets a house and a dog and lives his quiet life. losing contact with most of the friend group after everything sort of cemented something in him that said hey don't bother letting anyone know you like that again, they'll leave you and it'll be your own fault. you don't want to trap anyone with you, you don't want to get your heart broken over and over, either. he never gets married, just has some messy short relationships, messy one night stands with people he can't bring himself to call back. he's the kind of person that's still like... warm and friendly for the most part, so people think they're his friend, that they know him, when he doesn't rly talk about anything real about himself anymore. i love 2 laugh