#im just suffering mentally cus i know my words are useless

[sensitivegoblin]

if anyone's up pretty please talk to me vent tw suicide idealation

[firyalsabhilla]

as a comeback, i just wanna say something i would never say to anyone. anyone.

I start to lost a lot of words; i start to have a hard time to talk, to say, to express what i feel.

I don’t wanna say, ‘oh trauma!’ pft, no, i know, it sounds too much for a person like me, who used to live in such a perfect life, to have such a trauma that kinda stop my brain to function as good as how it used too. 

i start felt numb, since my last break up. 

i dont wanna say i was traumatized, but let say, i have a bad experience and i just don’t wanna feel the same type of thing again, so i run, as far as possible, from everything that i think may give me the same effect, the same feeling to feel one day. 

i am having a hard time to handle and control myself. My anger issue is sometime near to a warning, to the point where i fantasize myself hurting someone, murder someone, and how i release my anger by imagining the courage i never have to hurt someone without feeling guilty, to see someone mad, angry, bloody in front of me, by seeing them scared, desperate, and how i just will keep my poker face just to annoy them.

i act like a cold serial killer, where i hide behind the image people see me as so far, and once they do one thing to trigger me; welcome to your grave yard sweet heart.

but you know me, i am weak as hell, mentally and physically. i can’t punch someone, i even have a hard time to open a new bottle’s lid, how will i murder someone? i will end up be the one under the pilled soil--and well, im not mad for that, i lowkey want it but just dont make me suffer too much, thanks. 

anyway.

since you know imma weak and all violence is only happening in my brain, instead of act like a cool baddie slay everyone’s head in front of your way up, i just end up crying like a baby to release how desperate i am to run from the fear that come out of nowhere. 

dad is gone.

it gets worst when i can no longer see my late dad. 

and all the problem that coming afterwards, sadly, i can’t tell anyone what happened, even i really want to tell what happened. 

every time i go outside, i can’t handle myself to remember all the guilt and regret, the fear, it was so stressful. 

every time i walk myself out, i cried for no reason and it hurts my head so much. well, i can’t just scream my lungs out and cry when i am outside, people will question my sanity right away, so i tend to hold it but sometimes it just unbearable. 

i locked myself in my room, i cut ties with my beloved friends, realizing how toxic i become, how i no longer can use my logic to thing straight and right, how i was such an attention whore, how i just find it so tiring to pretend like you are okay--to laugh out your sadness, to say, ‘its hillarious that this happen to me haha, no, do not feel bad about it.’ Well, yea, do not feel bad about iit, please don’t. this problem is just me and i have to handle it. 

it just so .. exhausting. 

i don’t actually know what i am writing now. 

but all i feel, i just feel so drained.

i feel comfort when i am alone. i once stopped seeing people for a week and damn it felt so good, it just you and you, you don’t have to deal with anyone, you don’t have to thing about anything, it just you. to finally know how it feels like to be a priority is just so good and i don’t wanna leave the feeling. 

i cried again, i remember what dad used to do and how limited my time with him was and how i --huh-- feel so betrayed, i feel so dissapointed to him, to myself, and i don’t really to make this as a reason; but it is, it is the reason why i am being myself today. 

how i just wanna die, how i get numb, how i life in fear for no reason, how stepping out from my door room is just fucking terrifying. 

i thought about suicide almost every day, i stop praying to god cus i feel everything is useless. hearing how people are just “yauda kalau uda kehendak Allah--” makes me wanna puke. 

well, what keeping me alive till today, not gonna lie, its all thanks to my photocard and the thought i have to keep them save so i can resell it one day without lowing the price. 

my hand is shaking when i write this, lmao. fyi, tmi. 

and i kinda get into the conclusion, from everything that i felt, from all the hurt i hate to feel, i decided to just live my life as it is. i lost my motivation to life, i lost the willing and wanting to be a better me, i lost the force of being what kind of person i dreamt of. 

i lost everything already. 

all i feel was just ... nothing. nothing can sparks a joy, nothing is actually can make me feel better --well, jaehyun’s syb photocard for free maybe--all i can easily feel is pain, sadness, fear, feels so traumatic, lowkey. 

i don’t wanna meet new people, i will never get marry--or if i have to, ill just marry random guy and i will never can fall in love, not because i can’t move on from the last guy i met, i moved on already lmao, but i just hate to come to the phase of broken heart and blah blah, i can’t handle those type of thing anymore. 

so i will be alone, from today. 

or- meet a new people online, cus they will just forget you once you gone from this world without questioning a thing. 

to conclude everything, i am dead inside and i hope i can dead outside as well too. 

i know.

i should have not felt this way; many people have the struggle that is way harder than what i feel. i should have not feel this way cus i stil have some luck and previlage that other people don’t have. 

but i just can’t resist the feeling.

instead. just take me.

i really .. wanna die. 

dissappear.

gone.