#im just gonna... rb this over here... bc i rly liked it lmao..

[hertwood]

dts s2 e6-7

e6 -ALEX EPISODE -every time ive watched this episode and he says his sisters name (zoe) it's startled me. i anticipate it and it surprises me every time -"we are trying to give young people a chance. That's part of the Red Bull philosophy." (Helmut Marko) oh ok. oh OK. OH OK. -i need him biblically. i need him in a way that's concerning for feminism -OK UM so i watched the first half in the morning and the second half after my shift and i was like. im so wiped idk how emotionally i'll even be able to engage -and damn do i truly underestimate my ability to be affected by something i've seen and heard about over and over again. -ok but the parallels between alex's mom talking about being scared as a mom vs daniel's mom talking about the same thing in s1e1 -random cate sighting is crazy i almost forgot how she dated pierre lmao -god i NEED an alex/williams episode next season i miss him on this show soooooo much -its silly but every time i see that clip of anthoine kissing his girlfriend its instant waterworks

e7: -first of all obsessed with seb saying y'all. love him miss him sm -GOD you can just see how charles still has hopes and dreams here he hasnt been crushed and hardened by the ferrari machine yet. what a sweet time for him :/ -sebchal makes me so *gnawing at the bars of my enclosure* -part of me wishes they showed charles' win at monza w/ more charles centric focus? it was such a big deal for him and i think it deserved more. THAT BEING SAID it does set up the sebchal rivalry dynamic well, which is what the documentarians chose to focus on, and for that they did well. -i could say the same for seb's singapore win. it makes sense from a storytelling persepctive to focus on these from the rivalry lense but damn do i know these are iconic wins for both of them and its bittersweet that they don't get their own focus -i'm so confused how charles literally looks straight down the camera lense and says that he was signed with the knowledge that he'd be second to seb, and then gets MAD when they prioritize seb???? like when they prioritize charles seb has ever right to be mad bc that goes against what he was told but charles?????? i know that its bc theyre gonna be super competitive no matter what they're told bc its in their nature but Come Onn -"every world champion has what I term an 'inner bastard', and its the ability to make the tough decision when you have to." i do NOT take will buxton slander on this blog. i love this quote sm and as a baby fan it was big in understanding driver v team politics. it is SUCH an important skill to know when to be a team player and when to be selfish, and the ones who figure it out are the ones who maximize best outcomes. (a good example of this recently imo is carlos in singapore!) -"we'll start by holding hands." when i know its coming and i'm still vibrating gnawing on my enclosure etc etc. brainworms well and alive and fed -GOD rly puts into perspective how charles has been being fucked over by the ferrari engine since Day One -sebastian vettel has the vibes of a restaurant manager who isn't doing the greatest job but he'll never get in trouble because every single waitress is swooning every time he speaks. let me know if this makes sense -with more seb history context: i wonder how much this parallels to the dynamic in rb when daniel joined--and he left the following year. christian talks all about daniel "running from a fight" with max... wonder if thats also, at least in these instances, sebs instinct as a driver in this system. don't take this analysis too serious btw i'm just spitballin

[gunmetal-ring]

for the choose violence ask game, because you haven't been choosing violence lately! (and you can do this for any ship if you want) 6, 13, 14 please :)

Oh hi! Also i do feel like ive chosen violence lately but scrolling thru my tumblr it seems like maybe its only been on discord not here so nvm then lmao. Thanks for your close eye im very flattered ❤️

6- which ship fans are the most annoying:

Okay im taking this literally - youre asking "annoying" not "what is the most evil behavior you have seen in the name of shipping" so im answering it as such. And itll probably be... well ig not rly a ship but more just the ppl who go to any and all lengths to insist that caryl is platonic bff status 4ever. Like theres ppl who just believe it and shrug, and there are ppl who make it their lifes fucking mission to pop up in rbs and rts and whatever to be like ACTUALLY THEY CALLED EACH OTHER THEIR BEST FRIEND SO THERE and its like a) im rly sorry that youve never had a partner that you consider your best friend and b) i feel very secure in my "dreamt they were married with a kid" and "i love you as parting words" knowledge that caryl is, in fact, romantic. But its annoying. Like little flies to swat away. Like who is this hurting. Actually in general anyone who goes out of their way to comment "i dont like this ship" on a post or whatever is annoying. Everyone is annoying. Except ppl who ship caryl and hellcheer.

13- worst blorboification

Mr guitar hero himself. Yes hes a gremlin idiot doofus w a heart of gold, but he is also an asshole who likes intimidating ppl and mocking ppl and generally being a menace. Thats WHY his scene w chrissy was so special. We saw him go straight from unprovoked yelling at a roomful of ppl and manhandling nervous children -> quite literally falling all over himself to make a sad scared pretty girl laugh. He contains multitudes. Hes not a one note puppy dog. Appreciate his assholery. Blorbify THAT.

14- that one thing you see in fics all the time

Oo... this is 100% choosing violence... OOOOO.......... OOO!!!!!! also im assuming this is meant to be "see it all the time and its a bad thing" so thats fhe reason for my ooos

There are so many. So many. SO. MANY. So many hellcheer fics w certain kinks that are extremely triggering and off putting to me and its not even always in a pwp context and its not always tagged either and it feels like its rapidly increasing in presence and frequency and i feel like you could probably piece together what it is from my hints + my previous posts vaguely mentioning it but believe me i have Thoughts and that is 100% choosing violence and anyway. Its in fics. A lot. And its upsetting as a general thing to me but the normalization of it is directly correlated w the lack of tagging it and yeah its just like. Gah

Anyway im gonna end on a happy nonviolencechoosing note and say my favorite fanon is that both eddie and chrissy are bi lmao bc im bi and also it seems like so many hellcheer shippers are bi also which is magnifique. I think part of it is the whole subversive aspect - cheerleader girl is supposed to be with jock boy but instead shes w antithesis of jock? Metalhead boy is supposed to hate conformity and instead is w the most stereotypical manifestation of conformity? Just rings very true to me as a bi woman re secret longing and innermost desire and scary-but-freeing acknowledgment of living outside your prescribed box etc etc. Anyway thanks/sorry lmao

[captainshyguy]

oof

[pepprs]

[DONT RB] ok so there’s no way for me to talk abt this that isn’t gonna make me look like an absolute dumbass but im in the middle of a creative existential crisis and i rly need help figuring it out :•( this is gonna get SUPER LONG so im putting it under a readmore. thank u to anyone who reads this!!! and double thank u to anyone who can give some input / advice, i rly rly appreciate it. im sorry abt the length!

aight so for some background.... ive been drawing n writing poetry for abt 5 yrs now and both of those things r rly important to me. in school im an english major w a creative writing minor (for the poetry) and i work as a graphic designer (for the art) so ive been growing a lot as an artist and writer esp in the past 2 yrs and im kinda workin towards one or the other (or ideally both somehow!) as a career. one of the biggest dreams ive had since i started seriously pursuing both of these hobbies 5 yrs ago is to publish a book of poetry that i design / illustrate myself, and also to have a portfolio online where ppl can read all of my poetry and see all of my artwork (both professional / work stuff but also archives of all of my sketchbooks since those r rly important to me!!!) and maybe even make some sort of online shop where ppl can buy my art (stickers, keychains, etc!) and my poetry books!

that sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!!!!!! why? bc im a fucking idiot! and there are several dumb things i do that make this dream completely impossible for me to achieve! love that for me!

so for starters... ive been posting (almost) all of my art and ALL of my poetry online for all 5 yrs ive been creating it. that’s bad because:

ive hardly ever used my real name (which i would want to use for the book / shop / portfolio), it’s been under my usernames / aliases that go along w them (p*pe, pep, pea, etc and related usernames that shall not be mentioned) and i started going by my real first name only abt a yr ago, but still maintain those usernames for the most part in conjunction w my real name

my work has been primarily been posted to d*viantart and tumblr which aren’t exactly the most uh... professional places to do that. not that there rly are many i guess lmao but still

my online persona on these platforms is rly like. lax and loose which is Cool And Quirky when brought into a professional setting if it’s done right i guess.... but im just immature and unprofessional. i swear all the time, i shitpost constantly, im incessantly tmi? and that’s not even it like it’s just a whole mess!

SO there’s that whole set of problems and like im just concerned because... i stopped posting art online last yr for the most part and a lot of the old stuff that’s on dA (since that was rly where i did it most) is bad and not worth sharing like that anyways, so im not as worried abt that. but my poetry.... i still actively post that online in all my messiness and candidness here and like. it’s rly not that hard to find me? like if u copy a poem of mine and put it in google it’ll pull up my dA right away! and that’s like.... GOD i just am embarrassed for anyone irl to see that or for that to be connected with my irl / professional self in the future, but i don’t want to stop posting my work there (or here!!!!!) bc the community is so supportive and ive made some rly good connections / built a lot of traction over the 5 yrs ive been doing it. (PLUS for the online portfolio i wanna do specifically... i kinda want to post all of my art and poetry there, like everything ive ever done (specifically poetry, ive written almost 500 poems over the 5 yrs ive been doing it!), but i feel like that’s not rly the most professional thing to do and idk how to even gauge whether it is or not :-/)

but that’s not all!!!! because there’s another part to this and that is: the very nature of the content i produce is Not Good! for my art it’s not as much of a problem bc since I work as an artist rn a lot of what i make is professional, but for my personal art... a lot of that is either self portraits or my characters and a lot of my characters are like. animals. like specifically pepe (who is basically Me As A Cat).... i draw her constantly and so much of my best work is of her but it’s just like? embarrassing i guess for my ocs to take up so much of my portfolio and sketchbooks and stuff and share that. like i know everyone has characters and it’s not bad to do that and share that but i feel like ppl will judge me :-( so it’s made me rly hesitant to post stuff to my art ig for example bc i just don’t fucking know how to act, like it’s bad enough that i can’t type the way i want to and i have to type in proper caps n whatever instead bc irls i don’t know / trust as well follow me (including some ppl from work? Yikes?)....... but i feel like i can’t share my sketchbook stuff for example bc it’s all cats and my characters and visual shitposts and im uncomfy to share that bc like... im almost 20 and i don’t want ppl to think im immature or whatever? i kno i should feel like it’s my account and i can post wot i want but like. i fucking can’t bro i just can’t!!

and THEN.... my poetry. that’s the biggie bc like for my art? even tho im uncomfortable i don’t mind sharing that w ppl i know irl but for my POETRY.... it’s very easy to find like where i share that i guess? (the google thing i mentioned earlier but also its linked to my art on here and dA too... f) but i literally never actively share my writing w irl ppl unless im performing @ an open mic or workshopping in class bc im fucking terrified of the possibility of irl ppl finding my poetry. it’s almost ironic how public ive been w it online but how private i am abt it irl... it’s like im living a double life and it’s fucking terrible but it’s the only way i feel safe. bc like art is what i do for other ppl and also to destress and vent when i need a quick fix on my own time. but poetry.... that’s personal, it’s where i feel most like myself, it’s how i talk abt my life and ppl in it and make meaning of things and talk abt things authentically and Get Deep. and my literal worst nightmare is for ppl (who have the explicit ability to by virtue of Knowing Me) to read into it and Understand what im talking abt and have that power over me and see me differently for feeling the way i do or doing what i do. ive actually already been burned by this before after my mom read some work of mine that had been published irl (i don’t want to get too into it but basically i retroactively outed myself thru her reading that poem for what it was and it was Very Very Bad) and as paranoid abt it as i was before, it’s even worse now that it’s actually happened to me and could happen again at any time, esp if i decide to take my work further.

that manifests in a few ways too, like my writing is so cryptic and vague and very heavy on metaphors / symbolism and shit partially out of that deep fear and need to shield myself and my work. sometimes in spaces where i do feel comfy sharing, ppl have a hard time understanding my poetry unless i give context. online and on stage and in workshop ppl don’t rly know me outside of a context where the only thing we have in common is self expression thru poetry, so i don’t rly mind sharing more when it’s appropriate. but if i were to share my work as a book or w/e, ppl im close to (who maybe don’t always think like a poet / artist does bc they aren’t that) would want to buy it and read it and might ask abt what it means and i don’t even know what i would do in that situation. and if ppl were to read my work and see themselves / others in it, whether it is abt them or not, im scared it could genuinely damage relationships like it did with my mom.

SO UH.... idk where im going w this rly, i kno it’s long and rambly and melodramatic and im probably overthinking it and making a mountain out of a molehill and nobody even knows / cares abt me AND my work @ the same time enough to read That Deep into it. but it just fucking sucks that im so uncomfortable and insecure that i can’t comfortably fulfill literally the one single long term goal / life dream that i have. andthe thing that sucks is i can’t talk to Anybody abt this except like... my sister and brother bc they’re the only ppl i genuinely tell everything to, but they don’t have the knowledge and expertise abt art / poetry that like... my poetry prof does, for example. and my poetry prof is one of the best ppl ive ever met and the Only person ive ever met irl who respects and understands my poetry in the exact way i need someone to. she and i have been talking and she rly wants to help me publish my poetry bc she sees merit in my work and knows how bad i want to / how successful it’s been already, but i don’t know how to talk abt this to her bc im embarrassed to tell her abt posting online and being ashamed abt my muses and all that and it just!!! sucks so much bc i kinda want to publish my work @ least once before i graduate and do it semi regularly for the rest of my life? but there’s so much in my way and it’s just! FGGFHDGJGGGG