#im just complaining cuz its 5 am and i wanna sleep but i cant

[seafoamwoman]

was supposed to get my braces off last Monday but of course, something went wrong with the retainer molding process and I got stuck with my top braces still for an undisclosed amount of time (either 2 weeks or 32 days 🫠) and to add insult to injury my braces tore my mouth and I now have a searing canker sore inside the left side of my cheek (which is the side I sleep on) that is so distractingly painful I can't rest let alone sleep

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

[kitto-toberu-sa]

tagged by @yukikae ty :3

rules: copy this post into a new text post, remove my answers and put in yours, and when you are done tag up to 10 people and also tag the person who tagged you… and most importantly, have fun!

a - age: apparently I look 30 :/ I’m only 23 tho!! (...only.........)


b - biggest fear: not having someone NORMAL like me. the last few people who have liked me have been fucking weirdos. plz someone normal like me!!!


c - current time: 8:15pm

d - drink you last had: green tea

f - favorite song: BUTTERFLY BY WADA KOUJI 

LEGENDARY SONG

LEG

EN

DA

RY


g - ghosts, are they real: YES my old house was built on Aboriginal burial ground and weird shit kept happening. not bad, it was a nice ghost (s?) but weird. its happened in other places ive lived in and im not the only one in the house that thought so

i - in love with: ME AND CATS

and Itano Tomomi, Swag Queen

j - jealous of: people who aren’t constantly anxious and paranoid about their relationships with others. people who are allowed to have pets. people who don’t have overly strict workplaces (wearing jeans at my work is rebellious and a very big no no :/)

k - killed someone: not yet

l - last time you cried: last night came pretty close after a shitty day and rewatching Yoshiko’s intro episode. LET MY CHILD BE HERSELF


m - middle name: Kate, from my dead grandmother. I also inherited her love of the one true king, Elvis

n - number of siblings: ...only..? I never know how to classify myself, since I’m the only girl to my parents, but I have two half brothers, but they’re... 40 and.. 42? So waaaaaay older. One was never really around and one has been kinda in and out of my life so?

o - one wish: just to live a happy life. not an extravagant one. but one where im not anxious or paranoid. one where i dont need to worry about money. one where im happy with my appearance and i have a nice clear goal and am on my way to achieving it.

p - person you last called/texted: my friend to complain about my license mishap :/

q - question(s) you’re always asked: if ive had braces or teeth whitening :D if my eye lashes are real or false cuz theyre hella long

and now im in japan

where im from and where i work and how long im staying and if i have a boyfriend :/

r - reasons to smile: music <3

SWAG QUEEN ITANO TOMOMI IS RELEASING A NEW SINGLE MAY YOUR EARS BE BLESSED AND YOUR SWAG LEVELS RAISED

cats :3


s - song last sang: idk i dont really sing much? but juujun no slave and love novels have been added to the karaoke playlist for next time!

t - time you woke up: 5, drifted between sleep and awake, woke up at 6:15 when the first train leaves :/


u - underwear color: orange and white stripes?????


v - vacation destination: hawaii~ egypt, russia, or england <3

w - worst habit: i cant keep track of time well, so i end up wasting time...


x - x-rays you’ve had: had to have some to check for tuberculosis when i applied for this job and then a few months later at the health check??

y- your favorite food: PASTA or bread or rice

i really like black thunder chocolate bars and the curry i make at home

and my coworkers bring omiyage and theyre called pies but theyre like? savory sugary biscuits? theyre really crumbly and honestly id ask for 7000 if i was a death row inmate given my last meal


z - zodiac sign: GEMINI

tagging @koisurufortunecephalopod @greengargouille @miss-doodle @takaoka-akira @nidaime-shinigami

+ anyone else. if ya dont wanna do it dont~

[nxctvrnaltrippyhippie-blog]

Getting to know some of me

1: Name: Danny 2: Age: 19 3: 3 Fears: Lonliness, Death, Waste 4: 3 things I love: Adventures, Food, Doggiess 5: 4 turns on: Talkative, Compassionate, Different 6: 4 turns off: Close minded, Two-Faced, Selfish 7: My best friend: No one.. 8: Sexual orientation: Tbh, I only fall in love with woman but the pleasure of what a man holds for some reason turns me on 😞 but once it happens at the end i feel disgusted and dont even wanna look at him .-. Nor fall in love. The desire pops up but to love a guy no.. sounds weird but trust, it even confuses me.. 9: My best first date: Honestly wish someone would ask ME out for once ;-; it would be the best just having someone ask me o": 10: How tall am I: 5'1 ;-; 11: What do I miss: Enjoying life 12: What time were I born: What is this 13: Favorite color: Omg 14: Do I have a crush: Yeah.. i guess.. its weird..😞 15: Favorite quote: not sure atm 16: Favorite place: my beddddd or in cuddles 17: Favorite food: ITALIAN 18: Do I use sarcasm: No i rather speak to people in precise terms when they ask “what” to a dumb question. Jk, hell yeah im sarcastic. 19: What am I listening to right now: Empty Camps by Cemeteries 20: First thing I notice in new person: Personality or Smile. 21: Shoe size: 7 22: Eye color: Brown 23: Hair color: Black 24: Favorite style of clothing: My own kind of style 😋 25: Ever done a prank call? Yes 😑 27: Meaning behind my URL: I like psychedelics and weed and i love to love, plus i dont sleep 😂 28: Favorite movie: I dont really watch movies tbh 29: Favorite song: Luna of Claiming 30: Favorite band: Circa Survive 31: How I feel right now: Crazy 32: Someone I love: My dog ;-; 33: My current relationship status: She isn’t my gf and she is straight.. i am in love with her i guess…. i guess.. but she does not feel the same.. but she wouldn’t like it if i saw other people.. 😞im so dumb but its really confusing. 34: My relationship with my parents: My dad was abusive and me and my mom are alright, just not close like some moms and daughters are lol. Its weird. 35: Favorite holiday: Does the Fall count 36: Tattoos and piercing i have: Tattoo on my neck of 3 purple moons, Gages, and i have my mouth and nose pierced many times but i fucked them up or school in the past (bitchass dresscode) 😭 37: Tattoos and piercing i want: Split tongue, eyebrow, cheekbones, Chest piece idea i had since 8th grade, moon and sun on my arms with falling stars ending the shoulders, sunflower on my leg with an eye, many ideas tbh 😂 38: The reason I joined Tumblr: Stop posting my feelings and personal thoughts and agreements on other media with friends who just see me as a depressed whiney little baby so now they think im better cuz i stopped expressing to them how i feel ((: now they complain i dont talk and i need to.. too late. Thought i could trust them and that i would never be a burden how they arent for me .. i was wrong and for that here i am. But god i do love tumblr and i dont regrer it. 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? Yes.. she doesn’t care about me and never did. How she ended it showed that evil shit i didnt want to see. Now idk.. 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? From lucero sometimes.. 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Yeah. 42: When did I last hold hands? I dont know 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? Just to get ready i could get ready in like 5 minutes but if i have all morning ill spend it all changing outfits till my whole closet is rampaged 😭 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? Not in MONTHS 😂 45: Where am I right now? My bed 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? Lucero..? My mom..? 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? LOOOOUUUUD 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Mom and stepdad 49: Am I excited for anything? I guess art if i make it 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? No XD aint no dude wanna hear about my feelings unless he likes me lmfao 51: How often do I wear a fake smile? Everyday /: 52: When was the last time I hugged someone? Idk 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? Idk… it would break me.. but i should have seen it coming if it did .. 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? No.. idk.. 55: What is something I disliked about today? Everything.. 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? My love. 57: What do I think about most? Being happy 58: What’s my strangest talent? I honestly don’t know lol 59: Do I have any strange phobias? Bugs bugs bugs ugh i reeeeallly hate bugs 😭 im scared a camera watches me idk if thats a phobia. 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Either or 61: What was the last lie I told? Im doing good c: 62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Video chatting maybe idk maybe a call tbh idk ill freak out unless i known you foreverrrrr i csnt talk on the phone with anybody tbh. Or even talk idk Dx 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? YESSS 64: Do I believe in magic? YESSS 65: Do I believe in luck? Sometimes 66: What’s the weather like right now? HOTTER THAN SATANS BALLS IN CALI 67: What was the last book I’ve read? Milk and Honey 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? Yesss /.0 69: Do I have any nicknames? Le Dan Dan, Dannehhhh, Mac Daddy Danny, Nena 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? Brain 😂 71: Do I spend money or save it? SPEND 😭🔫 72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? Nah ): 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? No 0.0 74: Favorite animal? PUPPERRRRS 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? I don’t remember 76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? Satan Natas 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? Capital Cities Safe and Sound 😂 78: How can you win my heart? Be there for me, take me on adventures, love me when i cant and let me love you when you feel you can’t.. be crazy wildin with me lmao. Patience with me. 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? Idk ): 80: What is my favorite word? “Nah” 😂 81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: idunno ;^; 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? Treat me the same way i treat you, and we will see. 83: Do I have any relatives in jail? Not that i know of 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? Self-trip on my own without needing tabs 😂 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? How do you feel 86: What is my current desktop picture? Ganja girl animation. 87: Had sex? Yes 88: Bought condoms? Yes 89: Gotten pregnant? Noooooo 90: Failed a class? Many 91: Kissed a boy? Yes 92: Kissed a girl? Yessssssss 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Yes 😭 94: Had job? Yommmp 95: Left the house without my wallet? Many times 96: Bullied someone on the internet? Fuck no .-. 97: Had sex in public? Yes 😂 98: Played on a sports team? No 99: Smoked weed? ALL DAYY ERRDAYY 100: Did drugs? Why yes 101: Smoked cigarettes? Still do 102: Drank alcohol? Once in a while 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? MEAT LOVERRRR, Althought respect for vegetarians/vegans 104: Been overweight? Yeah. 105: Been underweight? Idk lol 106: Been to a wedding? Noo e.e 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Maybe 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? No 109: Been outside my home country? Once but mexico =.= 110: Gotten my heart broken? Yeah 111: Been to a professional sports game? Yeah i think 112: Broken a bone? Helll nooo 113: Cut myself? Yeah 114: Been to prom? Lol no i didnt go 115: Been in airplane? Fuuuuuuck noo 116: Fly by helicopter? I wishh 117: What concerts have I been to? Too anxious to attend one 😞 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? Of course 😂 119: Learned another language? Yeee 120: Wore make up? Yes 😑 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? Yeah ); 122: Had oral sex? Yepppp 123: Dyed my hair? Hellll yeeee 124: Voted in a presidential election? Yomp 125: Rode in an ambulance? Many times 126: Had a surgery? Nopee 127: Met someone famous? Nopee 128: Stalked someone on a social network? Yeah xDDx 129: Peed outside? No e.e 130: Been fishing? No ;-; 131: Helped with charity? I am charity jk 132: Been rejected by a crush? Yeahh once xD 133: Broken a mirror? Yes ._. 134: What do I want for birthday? Loveeee Send me some? <3