#im just clarifying that because it doesn't really matter in the context of what I'm saying

[poisonousquinzel]

I dont understand how the same man who wrote the absolute insulting atrocity that is the Harley & Ivy comic (and the fuckint Harvest comic i stg) is the same one behind the Harley & Ivy episode and this

[Ivy disappearing on the other line is because she Immediately left when she heard what Joker had said.

She may have been teasing Harley and laughing at first when she was going on about all the things planned for her birthday night with her love, probably because Ivy knows he doesn't have a romantic hone in his entire body. but the second he Actually did something, he pulled the plug on her special night because he wanted to go do the "Yacht Club Job", she wasn't having it.

"No way was that going to happen."

"Look at her smile. Isn't this better than robbing that stuffy old yacht club? So glad I ran into you en route."

Just those lines of hers :')

Like even though she thinks he sucks and she knows he probably wouldn't have made the night as wonderful as Harley deserved in the first place, damnit she deserved Something. something other than him leaving her behind on standby in case they need a get away driver.]

like does this man flip a coin every time he writes Ivy and decides whether or not he wants to characterize her accurately or make her essentially a joker stand in purely so they can add plain ol' slapstick humor. it's fucking baffling to me. like who the fuck creates a character who's in YOUR og canon an abuse victim and the literal episode her and Ivy meet in that fact is reiterated time and time again. it built Ivy up as someone that really is going to care about her and wants to help her improve her mental health because he's destroyed her self esteem.

and then to take that bond YOU made and throw them into a disgusting, over sexualized comic that you incorporate fucking slapstick humor into?!?! Like wtf is wrong with him how do you manage to create a couple great (female centric) stories but most of the time just come off as nasty and frankly sexist.

p*ul d*ni i just wanna talk, i swear i will not viciously bite your ankles i swear

[allamericansbitch]

i'm just gonna make a post once again trying to clarify all this nonsense. since yall dont provide any evidence or context to your claims i'll do it.

it’s the 2022 emas and taylor goes to the show. if you remember what she wore it was a really low-cut dress and her cleavage was prominent. fans loved the look and saying she looked hot, never had an issue with that!!. if you watch any clips from that red carpet- she is visibly uncomfortable with how much cleavage she has out. it’s obvious the dress was a last minute thing, she’s taking pictures with fans on the carpet and hiding her chest from photos taken up high, and when she gets into the show she changes into another look pretty quickly. bc i hadnt been online i looked at the taylor swift tag to catch up, went under recent posts and saw fans being very sexual of taylor- not the normal funny stuff either, like joking about motorboating her, zooming in to just her boobs, going as far to say they wanted to trap her, etc etc, stuff i thought took it too far and her also being uncomfortable with in the dress to start with made it worse. so i posted that some people were going a little too far and in the tags said it was giving straight men ignoring obvious signs a women is uncomfortable to hit on them. an anon message me and said that the ‘straight man’ comment could come off homophobic and i agreed, apologized, and deleted it immediately. a blog with a history of misrepresenting my words, misunderstanding me and just going with it, somehow saw it and just starts posting about how i was terrible and homophobic, that i was calling gay people gross and said i even compared them to pedophiles. literally none of that happened. here is a screenshot of my post (minus the straight man comment)

again- speaking in reference to the people who were literally saying they wanted to harm her in the dress. not just saying she's hot.... none of that mattered. i dont care that you thought she looked hot- she did. i cared about how she was literally hiding her chest and then people online were screenshotting it and zooming in.

and then the blog who loved to exaggerate and make up words posted

dropped my url in the comments so everyone was made to believe i said these insanely awful, harmful things... because all they saw was one harmless meme. that had to be the only thing i saw too? their experience is the only one that happens? no way i couldve seen anything more aggressive? wild.

anyway.. i apologized for the straight-man comment, immediately. and i apologize again because i did misspeak, it wasn't my intention to insinuate any of what people took away but that doesn't matter- and of course im sorry. but to say i'm disgusted by queer people or called them perverts?? or that they are 'no better than a man' no way did that happen. at all. sorry no. and just because one blog says it with no evidence or context provided doesnt make it true. you can call her hot! sexualize her idc! i never did! until it passes an obvious boundary!

[alarrytale]

The "fan" was unintentional LOL but I believe they were together at some point and for a long time, but maybe they're not now, maybe they are. And I believe Liam's last relationships were stunts, I believe he is bi or pan, just like Zayn. But I don't think about it too much, what matters to me is that they are happy, whether they are together or not. Zayn loves his daughter and loves being a father, that's as clear as day. Liam loves his son, he is beautiful like him and C decided to preserve his identity. Furthermore, I think that saying that the children are not theirs is to doubt the character of both of them, that is absurd, to think that they would be capable of bringing innocent children into the world just to prove something.

I feel like Zayn is happy, very happy, and that's what matters to me. He's single, doing what he wants without having to show it to anyone, and happy with his first tour.

Liam continues to be sabotaged by his team, he was going to release the album last year or early this year and was blocked - he is starting from scratch. A very hard-working boy, but who needs a break, needs to be truly happy and have a good team. That he knows how to recognize his talent in his work, promote it in the way it deserves, and take better care of his career. He doesn't seem really happy right now.Someone needs to remind his team that he is a singer, we love hearing about his life, but not like this. Not with him acting, They should be smarter and see that no matter what Liam does, people WILL attack him, and it would be better if he didn't show up so much so that doesn't happen, so as not to take everything he says out of context.

He's not happy this way, being boycotted, and I'm sad that we can't do anything about it. He deserves better.

I'm sorry for the long text and I'm sorry for the mistakes either, english is not my first language but im still trying LOL

Hi, anon!

You never have to apologise for your english! Not on this blog! If i don't understand you, i'll ask you to clarify, and i did. It was the "ziam fan" that was throwing me off, not your english!

Okay, so i get more where you're coming from now. I wouldn't consider you a ziam right now though if you're not convinced they're currently together, even though you're convinced it was true in the past. I haven't seen anyone who are convinced they're currently together think they're both fathers.

I agree with you that Zayn seems the happiest and most confident he's even been. On the other hand, Liam is really struggling mentally and being the most unhappy i have seen him ever. Every new video i see of him is more incoherent than the last. So i guess i can't picture them being together while they seem to be on polar opposite sides of life contentment, leading two different lives and are on different career paths. Zayn has found meaning, who he wants to be and what makes him happy. Liam is struggling with all that. I can't picture them together if they don't have the same lifegoals, agree on which lifestyle they want and which continent to live on.

Regardless, the most important thing is that they're both happy, and Zayn seems to be, but Liam i worry about constantly. I don't think Liam is being sabotaged at all, his music isn't selling so the label can't afford to put it out. They'll lose money. It's no ill will from his label. They're trying to breach out and get positive attention on him by him being a talent show judge, and he might endear himself through that. Because Liam needs image rehab in order to sell his music, and he isn't mentally ready to do that right now. It's hard to watch his attempts at fan engagement through his unhappy, manic and cringy ramblings. I think he needs to sort himself out before attempting to win over his people to his side again. The TV job might help position him to put out an album that will sell. So i don't think he's being sabotaged, it's just that they don't want to set him up to fail, because they can't afford that. And honestly, i don't think Liam's mental health can either.

[lee-hakhyun]

Hiii i will answer in an ask since using tags would be quite cumbersome.

I want to firstly say that im sorry for assuming your identity. I shouldn't have done that. I'm a little bit sensitive when it comes to this matter since i saw a lot of....pretty mean stuff that people said about otherkinity since i entered the community even when it wasn't necessary bad intentioned, so that why's i immediately jumped to the assuming that you were the same. That's the reason, but not a excuse so I'm sorry. I didn't meant to hurt you or anything like that.

Also, i def wont block you or any mutual over this, especially when yall are very respectful and understanding and especially when in this case it's just more a matter of view towards a recognized issue (man why does this sound so formal.....i hate english). And i hope you didn't took my tags as an attack or anything of sorts, i just wanted to raise an issue that worries me a lot, especially when the majority doesn't even know what otherkinity is or when they do, they mostly brush off/ignore it.

Also, before knowing what otherkin was or the kff movement, i used the term kinning in that way too (especially when it came to kdj). Even nowadays, when i try to regulate my usage of the word "kin", i still think to myself "man im too much of a kdj kinnie blergh" because it's too integrated in my brain from all the jokes/memes. So like. I think it would hypocritical to not clarify that. + you tags were far from incoherent, quite the opposite! I think my tags was messier lol

Thing is i do agree somewhat with your views/opnion and i do agree that 90% of the people use it as way to express their love or understanding or empathy with a character and i think that's amazing. But i also, it doesn't erase the fact that it do help erase and block the voices from community and does nothing to raise awareness, and still perpetuate the harm done to the otherkinity. Especially! Towards fictionkin. Although I'm not fictionkin and i dont speak over their issues, from what i seen in some posts the fact that "kinning" became so popular esp in the context of "kinning" a fictional character, it make it harder to talk about their experiences and only intensify the pre-judgment and steorytyping.

Just because "kinnig" is popular now, it doesn't mean that it has/will be that way forever. Over the years, there were many harmful words that were popular in usage but were dropped off and substituted by other non-harmful words later on and "kinning" can be one of those too. I like to discuss the understanding or empathy one have towards characters and i like how this type of discussion became more popular due to "kinning" and precisely because of that, that i find important for us (as in, people on the internet) to popularize alternative terms, akin to how "generative media" is becoming more used than "AI" in some spaces.

It's true that there is no other popular term, and that precisely why it's even more necessary to use alt terms to describe this understanding one have towards a character.

But like you said, its more a matter of opnion/views more than anything. But again, i think it would be at least the minimum if people outside of the community raised more awareness and gave more voice to otherkin ppl, which i dont see happening. I just came to know what otherkinity is because i remembered the term "voidpunk" from the aro community and when i went to search it on tumblr i saw it being tagged in otherkin posts, rather than a directly seeing the term in a post from the dash or anything like that.

So if people outside of the community use kinning, then at least i hope they also care about the community itself and our opinions, experiences and issues. I hope one day, otherkinity would be more known and accepted rather than remain with the popular knowledge of "identity made up by cringe mentally ill tumblr teenagers, who are northern american/european" (at least for me, as an Brazilian, the last part is really depressing) (I hate being seen as USAian or european. Like. Ewww)

I kinda fear that all this discussion about otherkin language and kff will just be brushed as "silly tumblr discourse made by chronically online ppl" rather than something serious to think and talk about, especially in outside circles. so like. Im sorry if im getting too emotional or anything about that, in this aspect, its less about you or my mutuals as individuals and more about "many, many, many people and society in general are pretty ableist, mean and ignorant when it comes to subcultures like this and i want to more people understand that and try to find an alternative way to describe a pretty positive and funny experience without harming other people".

I guess that as long as it harms people, even in indirect ways, i will still be uncomfortable with the term kinning and i dont think i would be ever or so soon be comfortable in using it the way i used before, but that's on me. At the end of the day, people are free to do what they want, and i respect that freedom, especially when they're understanding/respectful/well-intentionated.

And thats it. Sorry for the long ask ajsbsisjsisj also i struggle with tone so sorry if i seemed too rude or too formal (?). English also doesn't helps lol

oh it's okay i mostly keep this blog to fandom/games i get why you would assume things, especially about this! i don't mind other people having differing opinions/feelings, just that i personally don't mind kinnies (as long as they're respectful ofc) + indulge in the kinnie stuff myself. and you're completely in the right to be uncomfortable with it yourself, i wasn't looking to change your opinion but just express mine ^^ i get that it's a touchy topic for a lot of otherkin, i felt that i had to bring up the otherkin/kinnie distinction in that ask because ignoring to just reply with the kinnie definition would leave people ignorant. better to educate people to the best of my ability than to leave people in the dark.

if i start seeing a big push for new language i'd totally be on board to swap to it.. but unfortunately a lot of the alternatives i see are just never used compared to kinnie/kinning. i believe what's most likely to happen to replace kinnie is not a term created specifically to replace it, but a popular new word that just happens to have the same meaning. maybe some good might finally come from tiktok's easy virality🤷

[hunxi-after-hours]

Hunxi ive a question please. Re: your twt book vaguing post tags-using diacritcs for transliterated Chinese names is bad. i fully accept that as you said its Othering and for sure we need to not do that. But like for they help give an idea of pronunciation so im wondering if theres something else i should be doing for that now....like how exactly should i work out how things should sound instead??

hey anon! sorry, should clarify — I'm not against the use of diacritics to denote pronunciation of Mandarin characters at all! I was specifically whinging about the use of diacritics for a Chinese name in an English novel that never otherwise 1) brought up any other Chinese names or 2) used diacritics or any other foreign language markers/scripts elsewhere in the (checks notes) 300+ pages despite its ostensibly "international" scope (I mean there was some French in there but there are so many English loanwords from French that a ç really doesn't count okay)

my particular beef with the use of diacritics to denote names in Chinese emerges wholly from the context I usually see it in: predominantly, a text where the language surrounding the transliterated diacritics is uncritically in English. it's like. So why are you putting diacritics on the obviously Chinese name? What authenticity do you think it lends you? Who are you performing it for? Not a native Chinese speaker, that's for sure — for starters, most native Chinese speakers don't bother with diacritics in script (in fact, much of fan/internet culture deliberately leans on the ambiguity of meaning by using homophonously interchangeable words, or the pinyin without any sort of identifying markers beyond just context). secondly, diacritics are plain annoying to type, so most bilingual speakers I've seen who want to denote tone just place a number after the pinyin, like 妈 ma1 麻 ma2 马 ma3 骂 ma4

and heck, I spent a few years in the Anglophone side of Sinology, and it's not even academic standard to use diacritics when rendering the pinyin of relevant Chinese characters, so like. what is a dark academia fantasy novel that otherwise never brings up anything remotely Chinese trying to prove with its usage of diacritics, beyond accidentally but undeniably participating in the ongoing practice of othering Chinese language, culture, and bodies?

because I feel like it must be said, I have nothing against AO3's tagging system that occasionally uses diacritics in character names/tags on Chinese-language fandoms. those diacritics are there and remain there for reasons beyond what I'm complaining about in this post, including but not limited to site infrastructure and fandom linguistic drift. this post is NOT about that particular corner of AO3 discourse, and please don't take it as such

I guess I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to engage with Chinese as a language and Chinese-ness as a nebulous element in English-language fiction and fanwork. for example, we can look at fandom's increasing vocabulary of untranslated, transliterated Chinese terms. people often leave honorifics like 宗主 zongzhu / sect leader or 公子 gongzi / young master untranslated now, which was most certainly not the case, hm, two years ago. heck, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that I had a direct hand in increasing the proliferation of casual untranslated/transliterated Chinese in Anglophone fandom. at the same time, I do wonder about the motives of style and when/why certain terms are chosen to remain untranslated. for me, it's always been a matter of language and rhythm — again, I watch all of these shows in Chinese with Chinese subs, so quite frankly I don't even know what an English translation should sound like until I scribble one out. the sounds and rhythms of the language are so fundamental to how I engage with these texts that I occasionally find myself writing fic or dialogue or even meta bilingually, to get the cadence and tone of what I'm trying to say right in my head, before I go back and re-translate those words, phrases, even entire sentences into English

this is not to say that the rhythms and sounds of voice and language are unimportant to the viewer who isn't fluent in Chinese — they certainly are, which is precisely why watching these shows can be such a powerful language-learning supplement. but the fact remains that a Chinese-fluent viewer engages with the linguistic fabric of these texts in a different manner than a non-fluent viewer. this isn't a flex, or judgment, or a bid for superiority — merely a critical acknowledgement of a difference in perspectives

where it gets really interesting and thorny, though, is the production of non-Chinese fanwork for a Chinese text. I'm thinking primarily of the points brought up in this phenomenally thoughtful meta on chinoiserie and international MXTX fan production that I'll never forgive for beating me to the punch of using chinoiserie as a theoretical framework for engaging with contemporary Chinese media BUT I'm getting distracted. these are the lines that feel particularly relevant:

... as we talk about the structure of english-language fandom, what does it mean to create chinese cultural products without chinese people?

as white people take ownership over their versions of stories, do we lose something? what narratives about engagement with cnovels might exist outside of the form of classic fandom?

and of course, the line that haunts my most liminal, linguistically-porous hours:

at what point does mxtx fic cease to be chinese?

neither I nor the author of this meta intend for our posts to be call-outs for Anglophone fandom, but both of us are definitely interested in how and why Anglophone creators engage with the essentially Chinese elements of these texts. I think about the many months during which people asked me to come up with personal names, courtesy names, titles, alternate names for at least half the cast of CQL. it was, I concede, fun at first — like a scavenger hunt, a logic puzzle, and trivia rolled into one. how could I leverage my proficiency in language and paltry knowledge of literature (and somewhat better knowledge of literary databases on the internet) to scheme my way into a richly-textured name based on a specific set of circumstances laid down by an anonymous ask in my inbox? but as time went on, the whole process felt more tedious and exploitative than anything, so I stopped doing it. even now, I still take emotional/psychic damage from whenever someone, even a friend, especially a friend, asks me to help them with Chinese naming. if your fanfiction is written in English, and is intended for an English-speaking audience, what does it matter if this title or courtesy name or personal name has an actual, translated equivalent in Chinese? how and why has this name-based ornamentalism become the unspoken standard for a nebulous kind of 'authenticity' in Anglophone fanfiction?

perhaps it is because language, with our electronic dictionaries and language-learning apps and the ever-present Google Translate, often ends up becoming the most accessible aspect of Chineseness — easier to look up a word or several than it is to try and track down a Real Live Chinese Person who can answer questions about cultural norms and etiquettes, histories and values. at the same time, when a writer’s research begins and ends at this superficial level, I can’t help but read it as tokenization, as ornamentalism, a way of telegraphing an authenticity that nevertheless feels cheap and flimsy in my hands

and that’s another crucial aspect of it — in my hands. I, as a person who operates at the particular nexus of privileges, experiences, and expertise that I do, have particular standards. as a reader, I cannot be mollified or hoodwinked by a cursory paragraph generalizing the principles of “Eastern thought” (I’m back to vagueing this book again), because I know this shit and I absolutely will be the reader to point out the fact that this erases the plethora and diversity of the manifold schools of Chinese thought alone, which doesn’t even get into Japanese philosophy or the mind-bending acrobatics of Buddhist reception, and this paragraph leaned on the most basic, essentialized, Orientalized understanding of a singular principle of something that one might be able to identify as Daoism, if all one knew about Daoism was the yin-yang symbol. what I’m TRYING to say in this already overlong post is that I recognize that I am a single, subjective person with extremely personal preferences, and I hardly believe that my preferences should be generalized outwards into fandom norms or cultural practices. I mean, it’d be neat if they were, but I don’t pretend I’m infallible enough for that to occur unproblematically. I just think that we could all stand to think about the complex crosscurrents of modernity and history, (neo)imperialism and (post/de)colonialism, language and engagement, fandom and fan production, ornamentalism and Orientalism

I've wandered very, very far afield from where this post started, which was vagueing a book that has little to nothing to do with cnovel/cdrama fandom, but tl;dr anon there's absolutely nothing wrong with diacritics in language learning, I just get real touchy when I suspect the usage of diacritics as an exoticized linguistic ornament in Anglophone texts

[extasiswings]

Kay first of all you didn't need to go that hard on your answer jesus christ lord THE CATHOLIC IN YOU DESTROYED EVERYTHING IN ME IM GONNA BE WEEPING FOR DAYS OVER THAT BLOOD ANALOGY. and second I wanted to ask because I'm new to the Fandom and everyone and i mean EVERYONE is so so confident about canon buddie and LIKE I've been played before dude I've been through this hell hole man YOU CANT GIVE ME HOPE NOW GUYS ITS NOT NICE TO PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THIS so like how certain are we that they're gonna make them actually be together? (By the way i love love love your tumblr and your WRITING DUDEEEE ITS SO PRETTY IT MADE ME WEEP)

Well, a) I've still seen a lot of pessimism, so I wouldn't go so far as to say that everyone is super confident (however, I would say that the types of people who are confident about it is more relevant which brings me to...), b) ...look, here's the thing and I've said it at least once before so I hope that this doesn't come off as harsh or offensive in any way, but:

I've shipped a lot of ships in my time, and yes, some of those were slash ships. I've been actively queerbaited exactly twice (in the real, original meaning of the term, the ship being actively used for marketing and teasing and promotional purposes with zero intention of follow-through, not the nonsense that term has been twisted into now where people throw it around to mean "any time I personally thought these two characters should kiss and they didn't"), I've had ships that I shipped but never expected anything from because I was very aware of the fact that my desire to explore a certain dynamic did not mean that the writers were deliberately writing a queer story, and I've had ships that occupied a technically canon space (as in, actively kissed and had sex on screen and had confessions of feelings) but where characters were killed off before there could be legitimate follow-through and where the dynamic was retconned by word of God. The GREAT MAJORITY of the time when people online talk about being baited or let down by something not going canon and I go to the source material, I end up sitting there thinking "...okay, but this is at most a relationship (either between friends or enemies) with occasional garden-variety homoeroticism that people could read as queer subtext if they really wanted to, but it was clearly not intentional and was never going to be anything more than that." [This also applies to instances of, say, if a network or a show has zero queer characters, especially zero queer main characters, and/or if queerness within the show or on the network has never been handled well, there is no reason to believe that they are suddenly going to do an about face and make their main characters queer and in love, context matters].

Again, I'm not trying to be harsh, but I think that there used to be a much clearer divide between fandoms and creators and a much more prevalent attitude and recognition within fandom space that we can take crumbs and build castles (the given an inch, take a mile perspective) but ALSO that those crumbs are not necessarily representative of the reality of everything the writers or actors or producers of a particular piece of media were ever doing or intending. And I've noticed a big shift where it seems like now, as that divide has broken down, that has turned into, essentially "because I have these crumbs and they can be viewed this way, therefore that is 100% what was intended here, it was deliberate, it is the One True Correct Interpretation, and any attempt by the writers/actors/etc to clarify (or even pulling the gentle 'that wasn't what we meant but you are free to view it however you want') is a conspiracy against queer viewers." And that's just...not it.

All of that to say, I am personally confident in this particular ship going canon because I am reading the room and the very specific choices that have been made surrounding the development of these characters and of their relationship. As much as I like having fun and being a clown, I tend to be pretty realistic when it comes to when I am reading into things only what I want to see and ignoring everything that could contradict that and when the writing is on the wall and in this case...the writing is on the wall as far as I'm concerned. It's about the way they have never, since the beginning of S3, given any other path a legitimate chance. It's about the way they've doubled down at every opportunity they had to walk away from this. It's about the specific ways they chose to handle the demise of Eddie's relationship with Ana (from the implication in "make sure you're following your heart" that his heart was already somewhere else, to the shooting, to the guardianship scene, to having honest-to-god panic attacks over the thought of a future with this woman, to the specific language choice of her being the first woman that he's wanted anything to do with since Shannon), it's about the centering of Buck and of their relationship in at least one scene in every single episode since the shooting, even in an episode like 5x3 where there was very little time for it. Idk what to say, really, this just...feels different and there's only one logical place this leads and I trust the writers to follow that thread to its conclusion. Could I be wrong? Sure, I could be. But at least for right now, I don't think I am.

[And THANK YOU!]

[n-i-cooper]

Critique reflection

10/05

A really good critique session overall!

Im glad that I opened the critique by explaining some of Tim Ingold's taxonomy to clarify what kind of approach I would like people to view the work, made the critique a lot more productive I think. I'm also glad that people could see how I applied Ingold's categorisations in the presentation of the works.

Love that Bridget brought up to the idea of frequency illusion/bias ("a concept or thing you just found out about suddenly seems to pop up everywhere"), totally reflects how I am perceiving the world as of late. The all-consuming, endless associations to line is very much how I am living/making at the moment.

Also the sense that my work is very "matter of fact" (distinct from an opinion or conjecture, unemotional and practical) is a very apt description that I'll continue to use.

One question that got brought up that I'm still thinking about is "do I treat my hair with the same respect as the found objects?"

Initially I thought "no" since I've using it as a material in printmaking (the imagery of slapping hair on some ink and sending it through the press doesn't seem that respectful at least). But I remembered that I did indeed wash the hair and returned what I used back to the hair bag, so I guess there is still an element of respect/care there. After documenting it I am still holding onto it.

I think my initial reaction is also because I have an abundance of hair, the found objects are much more unique/individualistic in my mind since I can't find another one like it so easily. The strands of hair all seem the same to me. Maybe I should approach each strand as an individual like the found objects? I would feel much more attached to them if that were the case.

The concept of embracing flaws was a very pleasant surprise from the critique as well.

I was explaining to the group that I didn't like the first hair-print I made since the bottom half didn't roll through properly. But despite that it was still one of the stronger prints from that session. It made me reconsider the way I viewed that print, was I upset with it only because it wasn't performing the way that I wanted it to? Considering that I am making work related to abject/abandoned, which is essentially embracing "flawed" objects and materials, it makes me feel better about having the work in this context :)) I think this is common blind spot for me; having a particular vision and when that vision isn't met it's a bad thing. I would like to continue embracing flaws as I go along (especially if the only thing "wrong" with them is the fact that it isn't doing what I had envisioned).

[the-cooler-king]

I've been having a really stressful month so far and im not! Handling it! Well!

Im frustrated with a lot of things, and im normally really good about not laying here and dwelling on them. But I've laid in bed for four fucking hours now and I can't fall asleep because my bed is too goddamn fucking small for me and my cat! And I can't fall asleep knowing he's right behind me! So I just kicked him out of my room for the night. And I feel miserable because he's just sitting outside of my room waiting to come in. But I still can't sleep and im just really mad about it I guess? And I have to be up in about two hours. And I guess the most frustrating thing is that it doesn't matter!

There's no point to this post other than im miserable and it just makes me. So goddamn mad and I feel so stupid even posting this. I'm sitting in bed crying and im wondering why would I ever tell anyone how upset I am over not being able to sleep because it genuinely sounds so goddamn stupid even to me. The longer I sit here (NOT TIRED) the more resentful I am and I dont want to think about stuff going on but I am and im getting angrier and angrier the longer I do

Like earlier today my mom mentioned how upset she is that I told her she couldn't visit (which I did, in the context that she couldn't just randomly show up but she didn't ask for clarification and it felt clumsy to try to clarify in an attempt to appease her so I didnt) and im like why... does it always... have to be about you? I can't explain to her why I dont want her to visit - she just blames britt and "whatever she has against [mom]" and im not in a place to tell her no its my call! She nitpicks every single thing I do and guilts me at every turn, and when I tell her she guilts me she gets MAD and tells me that she's just kidding and not to take her seriously... even though I've been telling her for YEARS literal YEARS I do not like being teased like this and it just hurts my feelings which has genuinely never mattered to anyone! Im frustrated that I havent got anywhere to turn to in this way, that I always have to take care of how other people feel. I just am so tired.

Im just angry and tired and resentful and I dont want to have the responsibilities I've given myself both at work and in my own life. I'm tired of taking care of people - the crux of every day dream is just wanting someone else to take care of me. I feel so left behind by everyone around me and that asking for help is out of my league... but what help would I even ask for at this point? Im so used to being let down I dont even know what I want from people and im just in such a bad place right now. I wish I could sleep.