#im just Miserable that such a record is going to be broken by a goddamn cardboard personality of a person

[protocolseben]

[junova]

Wishful Thinking [P.P] [S.R.]

Summary: AU!Peter just can't seem to let the past go and you with it. 

Pairing: AU!Peter Parker x Reader, AU!Steve Rogers x Reader im really a whore for au scenarios for reference peter is early 20s and reader as well (its just how imagined it tho)

Word Count: 3.5K+ 

A/N: Hey guys! It has been a hot ass minute since I have posted anything I have written and I’m little nervous if I’m being honest. Any feedback is welcome and appreciated! If you wanna give this post a little love, you would own my fucking heart. I really hope you enjoy reading this piece as much as I enjoyed writing it. It’s really close to my heart, as always pushing my emotional trauma into fictional characters! Yay! Anyhow, happy reading! 

“Don’t.” The moment those words left her mouth, he felt attacked. Who was she to tell him to not go for it? He hadn’t seen her in years and of all the places he could possibly run in to her, it was the place they met. The building which their love used to stand on and she had the audacity to say “don’t”. 

“Excuse me?” Hopefully, if he played dumb enough she wouldn’t know what he was planning. She wouldn’t be suspicious, but the way her eyebrow was arched told him differently. He definitely was not going to get away with this, easily. “Look at her. She’s happy.” 

“But do you know that for certainty? How do you know she’s getting what she deserves?” Wanda laughed. The audacity Peter had sometimes over you. Disgustingly, claiming you as if he owned you. “Because she’s no longer with you. The universe was doing her a favor.” He frowned. He wasn’t that bad of a boyfriend. Was he? 

“I loved her.” 

“Not nearly as much as you love yourself. Everyone in this room knows that. You showed everyone exactly who you were really are. After everything you put her through, do you really think it’s best to bring up the past? Just leave it alone.” 

Wanda words pierced through him roughly, but he had always been stubborn. Yes, he lied, but only because he was trying to protect you. He had a itching feeling if you knew the truth, you would have never been with him in the first place. In the moment, he had needed you terribly and even know with you a world away and wrapped in another man, he still needed you. For Peter, it went past a want. 

“But I-“ He countered back, before he was interrupted by the one person he had been trying to avoid. 

“Parker! You finally decided to show your face, huh?” Michelle hollered at her friend, but all he could focus on was who stood beside her. There she was. Less than five feet away from him, looking like a complete goddess. Obviously, she hadn’t changed one bit. Still appearing as beautiful as the last time he saw her, only this time they were all gathered for celebration. Instead of the unfortunate circumstances they had met under last time. 

Peter hated to admit, but she looked much happier. Her aura was practically glowing and he hated it. Selfishly, he hated that you looked happy because he was wrecked. Even if he had been the one to break your trust and heart in on crushing punch, it still pained him. Constantly, you were on his mind. Replaying the last conversation he had with over and over like a broken record. Maybe if he had chosen different words to break it down, you would have been able to forgive him. Maybe if he had actually told you, instead of you finding out on your own, your relationship towards him wold have been salvageable. 

Looking at you now, Peter began to feel even more of a goddamn idiot. Even now more than ever, he felt the insecurities of you being out of his league. He always knew it was a little too good to be true. That you, goddess in the flesh, chose Peter Parker to be your boyfriend. Out of every guy that came your way, you chose to be with someone like him. He swore you were the most beautiful person he had ever met in his life. The moment he looked into your eyes, he knew he was fucked. The purity of which they held made Peter forget about every little horrible event which happened in his miserable life. Wanting nothing more than to focus on you and he did for a while. He had the privilege to be the man on your arm. 

Well, until now when Peter realized there was another heavy arm wrapped around her waist. One which certainly didn’t belong to him. Had she already moved on? So, quickly might he add. There were parts of him that didn’t blame you. He didn’t blame you for moving on so quickly to another, even if it was the man he had always been insecure of. God, how he wanted to say something to you when he found out. He wanted to be offensive about and blame you for everything. Even went as far getting hammered one night, mumbling to Wanda how you had broken his heart by finally getting with Steve. You had been the one to ruin the magical bond between the both of you. Nearly pressing your contact in his phone, before Wanda confiscated it from him. 

It was the first time it dawned on him that he wasn’t worthy of you. Not anymore. 

“Yeah, I did. Not feeling so sure about it now.” His eyes directed towards yours, which caused you to divert your own towards the floor. Peter giving you his full attention, even if everything inside of you was hoping he would look in any direction but your own. God, why couldn’t you just look at him like you used to. 

“Aww, lighten up Pete. It’s only going to get worse by the second.” The distaste in Michelle’s tone was rightfully placed. She was sticking up for you. Even when you had always been too polite to say anything negative towards Peter, she wasn’t that nice. It’s not like he didn’t deserve it. 

It did in fact get worse by the second. 

Obviously, you were uncomfortable being here. The body language you presented showed it all. Your body was turned towards the man holding onto you, your own body leaning against his. Peter noticed the grip you had on Steve like he was the anchor centering you. The one thing bringing you back down from your anxiety which liked to hold you above ground. 

This exact stance, is the one who you took with him many times. You shifted your body from side to side because you were anxious, scared even. You did it when you were uncomfortable and were contemplating one what to do next. Then, there was the head on his chest. Often, you had told Peter it was comforting. Instead of focusing on your heartbeat which only seemed to increase rapidly during a heightened situation, you liked to listen to something steady. Something that could bring you out of the distress you felt yourself taking a part of.  But the hand holding, that was new. 

Whenever you were having a panic attack, you always claimed you couldn’t be touched. But here you were having one, and Steve was touching you. Maybe you had lied to Peter, too. Maybe you liked to have your hand held when panic speed throughout your mind. Maybe it was just Peter’s hand you didn’t want to hold. 

“Michelle.” Wanda warned, but frankly she didn’t care. If anyone should feel like the bad guy, it wasn’t her but Peter. 

Peter fucking Parker. 

“Are you kidding me? We’re all just gonna act like nothing happened? Like we all haven’t seen each other in months because of this imbecile.” Peter flinched, leave it to Michelle to expose the elephant in the room and shoot it dead on the living room floor. 

“MJ, just leave it. Okay?” You finally spoke up. It was obvious you were uncomfortable. Hell, everyone had to be. You didn’t want to bring conflict within the group, even though Michelle had no problem with it. 

“He doesn’t deserve to be let off the hook just because we’re all friends.” Michelle was hell bent on defending you, but you just thought the past was best left behind. You certainly didn’t want to rehash the heartache you’ve been trying to move on from. 

“Clearly, I’m not, Michelle. Okay? Tonight isn’t even about me. Can we just focus on Natasha and Bucky? Please.” She finally caved, giving him one last glare before storming away. 

“Hey, I’m gonna go talk to Bucky. I’ll be right back. Promise.” Steve whispered in your ear, before kissing your temple. “Will you be okay?” He gave your hand which was intertwined with his own a small squeeze, as if to let you know he was speaking. You gave him a small nod, before giving him a light peck, letting him know you were going to fine.  Strutted off in the opposite direction, Wanda took that as her opportunity to stay. She sure as hell wasn’t going to let Peter do something unbelievably stupid with your boyfriend mingling in the same room. 

Peter was about to speak before you beat him to the punch. 

“Well, huh. That was….interesting.” Wanda breaking the unbearable silence between you and Peter. Huh, she expected him to say something. Guess he wasn’t as confident as he appeared. 

“Michelle’s sure on one tonight.” 

“More like on her second bottle of red wine for the night. Definitely, will not remember anything she says or does tonight.” Trying to forget Peter was sitting right there you continued to talk to Wanda. It had been months since you’d seen her and you really missed her. 

She was just asking you about Steve, when her husband called her, politely dismissing herself for just a moment. Cursing Vis for calling her, how was she supposed to cockblock the biggest asshole there was from across the room? 

Minutes passed until Peter found the courage to speak anything in her presence. “You look nice.” God, he really wanted to beat himself up. How could those be the first words he spoke to you after everything had happened? 

“Peter, really?” You questioned. Even now, he liked to play the dumbass. The oblivious boy who had done nothing wrong and that only made you want to cry in anger. But you had indulged yourself in those feeling for far too long. If he wanted to play, you were out for the win. Even if your entire body was shaking in fear, you wouldn’t let him know that. 

“What? You do look nice.” Endearingly enough, his chocolate brown swirls peered out with an innocence he no longer held. How could it after he had hurt the one who he promised to love? “I don’t know. I just figured you might wanna apologize first, before handing me a compliment like we’re friends.” Peter’s body shifted, adjusting the button on his dress shirt he was sporting. Now suddenly feeling suffocated by it. Pondering, if it had always been buttoned up to the collar or if he was just starting to feel it now. 

“We are friends. Before everything, we were friends.” You leaned closer, and suddenly he had forgotten how to breathe. “We were friends, Peter. Then we dated, then we broke up.” 

“And now, friends.” Peter weakly argued. Such a child, if only he would give up and learn his lesson. “Peter that’s not exactly how the timeline goes. You have to apologize. Maybe? Just a fucking thought.” He could hear the disappointment drip in your voice, scolding him like a child who touched a lit stove top. He should apologized. Scratch that. He should have already apologized, but Peter was stubborn. Something you knew a little too well. 

“For what? The feelings I felt were obviously justified, you’re with Steve.” There it was. The one thing you felt guilty for. Steve. Your precious Steve Rogers. The perfect partner which stayed hidden, right under your nose until he made himself known. It was quite recent, but it didn’t matter if you told Peter that. It wouldn’t matter that Steve waited until you were ready. It wouldn’t matter to him that Steve had waited until you stopped crying over Peter every night for three months straight. Not pouncing on you at your most vulnerable, but waiting for you until you stood on your own two feet. All of it didn’t matter to Peter. In his mind, the only thing he knew saw was you were with Steve and not him. Furiously enough, it made his blood boil. Even if he had dug his own grave, you just had to be with him. Out of anyone you could have picked, it was the man he felt inferior to. 

“Leave Steve out of this. He is none of your business. My relationship with him is none of your concern. The moment you lied to me about her, we were dead, Peter. You used me from the very get go. You didn’t want me, Peter. You never did. I was just a rebound for you.” Then it started, always with the hands. Fingers hidden under the bar, began to shake. You were scared of this conversation. Confrontation wasn’t something that came easy to you and Peter being the most stubborn man in the world, didn’t make it any easier for you. 

“Of course, I did. I only wanted you.” And the lying started. Again. 

“You wanted me for your own selfish reasons! I wanted a life with you, a future with you. I was a complete idiot and put my trust in you. Where did it get me Peter? It left me with everything blowing right up in my fucking face.” Peter’s face paled. Never had he seen you this angry, entirely filled with rage and it was all because of him. Every negative feeling you had ever felt for him was evidently suppressed, and now your emotions were resurfacing. You didn’t even care if you were making a scene. You needed to say what had been itching at you for months. 

“I-I-I d-do-n’t. What?” Quickly, Peter became a blubbering mess. He was sitting there not knowing what to say, when all you wanted was an apology. In fact, the only thing you wanted from him. You just wanted him to realize how selfish he had been, but he simply couldn’t meet the expectations set for him. 

“You still don’t get it. Do you?” His eye twitching and his hands shaking, entangled with his own revelation. Peter thought he was good boyfriend. He showed up when it mattered. Yeah, the ending of the relationship had been a little rough around the edges, but he though he was just protecting you. He would have never been good enough for you, so he settled for someone who was. At the time, he thought he was making the right desicison. 

He really was a complete dumbass. As he was here in front of you, he realized he had really fucked up. I mean, he knew he already had but actually hearing you say you wanted a future with him messed with his head. It mad had something to do with you never actually uttering those words to him in the entirety of relationship, but only when the t’s were crossed the i’s were dotted. It just seemed terribly cruel when you were so clearly out of reach for him to grip onto. 

“Pete, I loved you and I didn’t want anyone else other than you. Then, you made me your second choice. How do you think that felt? One day were solid, and then the next you were gone. You didn’t even give me a choice because you had already made one. You didn’t talk to me. You certainly didn’t trust me with your feelings and you no regard for my own. You ruined us, Pete.” Just like that the tears began to fall and you wanted to get the hell out of here. But you had to get through this conversation, not for Peter but for you. 

There went his heart, but it wasn’t for the tears cascading down your cheek, but for what you had called him. You called him Pete. He only let you call him that, always claiming he hated and much rather his full name. Ever since he was little, he was really never fond of nicknames. Of course, until he heard you say it. Then, he fell in love with the name Pete which was sung to the tune of your voice. Deeply, did he wish you were saying it different circumstances. He dreamed of it even, but this was reality. Not his fantasy where you would come back running into his open arms. 

This was it. If he ever wanted to be friends with you again, he had to make his peace with what he had done. Peter Parker was finally giving in. “I never felt good enough for you. After college, when Gwen and I had split up, I was miserable. I didn’t what I was doing with my life. Until I met you and this whole other side of me was unleashed. Every terrible feeling I had ever felt vanished whenever I was with you. You became this light in my life, quite literally guiding me through without even realizing it. Maybe I put you on a pedestal and that’s probably why I thought I can never give you what you needed, but I was scared. Okay? I was scared you would do the same thing Gwen did to me.” You laughed bitterly, the irony of becoming what he was so afraid of you. 

“You could have just talked to me. I always there for you, always. I never left until you made me. You could have just communicated what you were feeling and I would have listened.” 

“I wasn’t ready. How was I supposed to tell you? I was paralyzed with fear as you can tell.” You sighed, as he was staring at you with those honey eyes. The nagging, forgiving side of you just wanted to bring him back in. To comfort him until all of his pain vanished, but the stronger part how he left you for Gwen consumed you. 

“Pete, I know now, but can you honestly tell me that were completely over Gwen. If you went back to her, don’t you think there were still some unresolved feelings. Love or not, you still had feelings for her. It’s okay, I just, I’m really tired of everything going on between us. How it’s effecting our friends. Michelle can barely stand to be around you and that’s partly my fault. I probably told her too much and now she thinks differently of you. The mess should have stayed between us. I just want to clean it up, Peter. I want this all to be over with. I need us to be done. Clean slate. For you. For me. For Steve. For our friends. A new beginning where our baggage stays in the past.” 

Even when you were angry, you were still kind. You truly had the purest of intentions, even after he drug your heart through the mud, you held yourself with grace and mercy. None of which he knew how you held such a tight grip on. 

Suddenly it the revelation dawned on Peter, you were forgiving him. 

“I-I don’t know what to say.” Peter sighed, any plans he had to win you back had fled and the only thing he felt now was guilt. Even though he was one hundred percent in the wrong, you were the one to wave the red flag in surrender. Always being the bigger person when he was incapable of it. Really, when he didn’t have the will for it, but you did. For the both of you, no matter how much it hurt. 

Even if you weren’t getting the answers you had originally came for.  

_______________

“How’d it go?” Steve’s arms found your waist, pulling you close to his chest. “Good, for the most part. I think we’ll finally be on speaking terms now. More accurately, I will finally speak with him.” Giving you a small peck to your shoulder, before turning you around so you were facing him. “Can I ask you something?” 

“Hmm.” You looked in his deep, ocean eyes. The love he poured into you, truly unmatched to anything you had ever felt. “Do you still love him?” 

“Like in love? Or just love? Two very different things, peach.” 

“Just, um, like in love?” His voice going up an octave higher, slightly afraid of the answer you would give him. If Steve could count on one thing, it was your honesty. Time and time again, you had showed him it was what you valued most. Considering your past, he understood why. 

“I was in love with my boyfriend, Peter Parker. The man who I thought loved me through and through. I pictured a life with him, and future with him. God, he met my parents even and they loved him to absolute death. My dad told me after we broke up, he even asked for his blessing. That he wasn’t ready, but some day he would be. Of course, the golden boy image Peter sold to them was more than believable so he gave it to him. Shit, like, how could he you know? Obviously, he was clearly still so in love with Gwen since he left me for her. I just wish I would have known about her, but he never alluded to anything about her and I never had a reason to doubt him. He was perfect with me. Right until it wasn’t. 

“So, no. I don’t. My love for him died the very moment he chose her over me.” You began to cry again, and god did Steve hate seeing you cry. Silently, cursing himself for even bringing it up in the first place, but the insecurity of Peter being your first love crept in. What if you had changed your mind one day? What if you decided one morning all was forgiven and left him? It wasn’t the most unreasonable thought. People can change. What if you would? But little did Steve know that you forgave Peter, but still were very much in love with the blue, eyed man in front of you. 

Immediately, Steve embraced you, holding you in his arms like they could protect you from any harm which came your way. Quite frankly, they very well could. In moments like these, everything else seemed to fade. He could make you forget about all the hurts of the past and center you on the future. 

“I wish I would have manned up and asked you before you met Peter.” Steve whimpered. He really had a want to protect you and it only made you love him more. You wanted to tell him so badly, but it just didn’t feel right. “I don’t. I wasn’t ready for you back then.” You joked half-heartedly. 

“I’m gonna pretend that you didn’t just gut me.” Once you started kissing him, he didn’t really have much to complain about. Sweet and soft, his lips slanted over yours perfectly. The familiar taste of strawberries invading your senses, slightly ecstatic he had finally started using the chapstick you had begged him to start using. You didn’t mind kissing his slight chapped lips, since it was Steve, but smooth was so much better in your opinion. 

“Doll, I’m sorry. I brought it up. I know it isn’t the easiest for you to talk about it. I really should be more mindful of it.” Even when he wasn’t trying, he was an absolute sweetheart. It only caused your heart to soar, more than ever. “No, don’t be. It’s important to me to talk about these things. To work through, them. You know? Evidently, I’ve never really been the greatest communicator, but I want to be. With you, I want to be better because this is the most important relationship in my life. Just you and I, peach.” 

You lowered your hands that were wrapped around his waist, before resting them on his perfectly shaped bum. You certainly didn’t miss the blush which spilled out over Steve’s cheeks, at your new position. “God, I hope no one ever finds out the reason you call me that.” Steve shamefully admitted. 

“Peach, have you seen your ass? It’s not like it’s a secret.” You giggled when he grabbed yours, and honestly you were surprised. He was never this forward, at least not in public. “Trust me when I saw no one is staring at mine, when you have an ass like that.” He gifted you with light peck before dragging you along to the group of your friends. 

But Peter? He watched the entire interaction. His eyes focused on you since you conversation had ended. It was clear you were over him, but he wasn’t over you. Surely, he could change your mind. He had done it once and he would stop at nothing to do it again. 

________________

[doctorsorders-deathboy]

Of All the Nights

lmfao i guess i’m back from the dead bitches. (this wip has existed for so long. i could not tell you why i decided to finally finish it tonight but AAA im so excited to be posting a fic again omg) amusingly, my last fic also involved late night baking. i hope you enjoy!!

Word Count: 1941

Read on ao3

It was 3:07am on the third of January and Nico di Angelo was dressed in nothing but a too-small fuchsia bathrobe, soaking wet, and about ready to commit bloody murder.

It was very possible, he thought, that the bathrobe contributed to his fury.

This was the kind of disaster that he’d recount to Jason later, with countless creative swears thrown in, though as he stood shivering and fuming outside a stranger’s apartment, it occurred to him that this might be one of those stories that would get more laughs from Jason than shared anger. Asshole.

Speaking of assholes, the door finally opened, revealing a very flustered looking blond man around Nico’s age. For a moment, Nico almost backed off on his prepared rant upon seeing how miserable the blond looked, but when another draft of winter air hit Nico’s still dripping legs, his scowl only deepened.

“What the hell were you doing baking at fucking three in the morning?”

The blond blinked once, twice, three times. He opened his mouth, closed it, and Nico was about ready to break his damn nose when he finally said, “Sorry… Do I know you?”

Nico had never had height to his advantage but hell if he didn’t know how to make himself intimidating. The blond shrunk back as Nico reared himself up to hiss, “Luckily, I was able to make it through 21 years of my life without meeting you before you had to go and nearly set the damn building on fire because of your insomniac cooking. Do you have any idea what kind of night you’ve caused for me? Did it ever occur to you that maybe you should save your incompetence for the waking hours when most people will be out at work anyways? Honestly, what kind of bullshit did you pull to make the fucking fire alarms go off? Did you pull this shit on purpose? Is this some kind of a joke to you?”

The man took much too long to answer again and Nico was collecting every bit of self control he had to keep himself from wringing this jackass’s neck when the response finally came. “Why are you wet?”

Nico must have reared up spectacularly that time because the man quickly amended, “I mean―! I’m sorry, that’s not the point here, um…” He peeked out of his apartment and looked around the deserted hallway. “If you want to yell at me, can you do it in here? I don’t want to wake anyone else up.”

“Like hell, you care,” Nico grumbled but willingly stepped into the man’s apartment. In hindsight, this really wasn’t Nico’s wisest move considering this guy was a stranger and Nico was nearly naked, but the blond seemed about as threatening as a frightened mouse. A tall, blue-eyed, frightened mouse who somehow had a tan in the dead of winter.

“Sorry, who are you again?” the blond asked, closing the door behind a fuming Nico.

“Your pissed off neighbor from two floors up,” Nico snapped. Unfortunately, the blond visibly cringed, looking like a kicked puppy, so Nico muttered, “Nico. Di Angelo,” as a reconcilement.

“Will Solace,” the blond introduced himself in return. He held his hand out to shake but quickly drew it back when it was clear that Nico’s arms were not moving from where they were crossed against his chest.

They stood in uncomfortable silence until Nico repeated, “How the hell did you set off the fucking alarm?” in as dangerous a voice as he could manage.

“I, well…”

Nico shot another fierce glare and Will didn’t waste anymore time in getting to the point.

“I was making pizzelles for my sister’s birthday and the iron must’ve broken because it was making a lot of smoke. It set off the fire alarm which went off throughout the whole building and… yeah. It was a mess. I’m really sorry. I feel awful.”

Nico didn’t doubt Will’s sincerity. The poor man was hunched in on himself with bags under his hands and his hands firmly stuck in his pockets. That didn’t make his story any less ridiculous, though.

“I’m sorry,” Nico said without a hint of remorse, “I think I missed something. Why the hell were you baking at three in the fucking morning?”

Will frowned at him. “You curse a lot,” he muttered.

“Why the fuck were you―”

“I was working until 1am!” Will exclaimed, which was the first indignant comment he’d made. “And I have classes at ten in the morning, but I promised to meet my friend for coffee at eight so I figured I’d just power through and bake when I got home but―” His voice broke off.

Nico’s cheeks tinted with embarrassment upon seeing Will’s face crumple a bit. God, please don’t cry. Nico hadn’t ever been very good at comforting crying people.

“Sorry,” Will said, his voice hoarse. “I should probably… I’m just going to clean up and go to bed. No more smoke. I promise.” He attempted a laugh to lighten the mood but it came out strangled and pitiful.

Nico was about ready to leave Will to mope when he spotted a picture hanging on the wall across the room. Will stood in the center, looking much happier than he did standing in front of Nico. The Will in the picture had a smile that made you want to smile back and had each arm thrown around a friend, pulling them close. He looked jubilant; the kind of person who you felt certain you could approach without fear. It was a painful contrast to the melancholy man Nico had met.

It felt very wrong to Nico that someone so happy could look so broken.

“What about your sister’s pizzelles?” Nico asked quietly.

Will shrugged. “I’ll have to buy her something on my way over tomorrow. Hopefully she won’t mind. I just feel bad, I promised I’d bake for her. Those pizzelles are her favorite.”

Nico considered this for a moment before internally rolling his eyes at himself. “Then we’d better make some pizzelles, shouldn’t we?”

~*~

“You still never explained to me why you showed up at my apartment soaked and nearly naked,” Will said conversationally, as he stood washing the dishes while Nico carefully arranged pizzelles in a tin.

Nico cleared his throat. “That’s a conversation starter I haven’t heard before.”

“Seriously,” Will said, grinning. “Were you swimming?”

“Why would I be swimming in the dead of night?”

Will shrugged. “I dunno, that’s why I was asking.”

“I wasn’t swimming.” Nico put the lid on the tin and turned around, pulling his fuchsia bathrobe tighter around himself.

Will turned towards him, too, eyebrows still raised.

Nico exhaled very slowly before admitting, “I was taking a shower.”

Will blinked. “At… three in the morning?” When Nico’s expression darkened, he added quickly, “Not that I’m judging! Obviously. I’ve taken many middle-of-the-night showers. I just… So, are you a med student, too, or what?”

Nico scuffed his shoe across the floor and grumbled, “No.”

“Okay.”

Silence.

“So…”

“I had a dream,” Nico blurted, probably due to a combination of his lack of sleep and the way Will’s eyes had this kind, dreamy quality to them that made you feel like you could tell him anything.

Will’s eyebrows furrowed. “You showered because you had a dream?” His eyebrows shot upward. “Oh.”

“Not like that!” Nico said quickly, heat rushing to his face. “No, oh my god, no, that’s not…” And then he was laughing harder than he had in a long time and Will was laughing with him and he hardly felt embarrassed anymore. “No, it was a nightmare, not…” Nico tried to catch his breath. “Not that.”

Will tsked. “That’s a shame.”

“Yes, very disappointing.”

“So the shower was, what, to calm you down?”

Nico shifted, his mind flashing back to the dark, blurred images of a few hours ago. Bianca’s smile melting off her face, his mother screaming for him, a packed, dark room where people were crying and disappearing one by one, and he was next, he was next―

“Yeah,” he said, clearing his throat. “Basically.”

When he’d woken up, he’d had to spend what felt like eternity reminding himself how to breathe again. He’d been having more nightmares recently, ones so bad that he almost considered Jason’s advice to start seeing a therapist. I mean, shit, he knew college wasn’t doing much for him in the mental health department but things hadn’t been this bad since he was thirteen.

He tried different things each night to get himself back to sleep―whatever it took. One night he didn’t manage to properly get back to sleep afterwards; he just lay in his bed with the lights on and music playing, counting the beats of his heart as he dozed on and off. That night, after waking up, he couldn’t stand his own skin, couldn’t stand being trapped in his body any longer, couldn’t stand the way he could still feel cold, dead hands from the dream clutching him―

So he’d gotten in the fucking shower and made the water as hot as he could stand and then the goddamn fire alarm went off. Jesus Christ, of all the fucking nights.

“Must have been a pretty bad dream,” Will murmured.

Nico shrugged. “Yeah, I mean… Yeah. I was… Sorry for being so harsh on you earlier. I was still kind of shaken up, I guess. I probably wouldn’t have marched to your apartment for a stupid mistake on a normal night.”

Will grinned. “Probably?”

“Maybe.”

Will laughed. “Oh, here!” He handed a small tin to Nico. “You helped make em, you should get some for yourself.”

Nico opened it to see that it was crammed full of pizzelles. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, of course. I love the bathrobe, by the way―I never said.”

“Oh god.” Nico groaned. “It’s not mine.”

“Your girlfriend’s?”

And then Nico was laughing again. Christ, that was twice in one night. Something must be wrong with him. “Yeah, no. It’s my sister’s.”

“Ah. Well, for the record, my next guess was that it was your boyfriend’s. I don’t mean to assume anything.”

Nico sucked his teeth. “I don’t have one of those, I’m afraid.”

“That’s a shame.”

“Yes, very disappointing.”

Will smiled softly to himself and Nico noticed that he had a dimple on one side of his face. God. Nico really wished he smiled more.

“Well, thanks so much for the baking help. You really didn’t have to,” Will said as they walked towards the door.

Nico waved him off. “I’m the one who came to your apartment in an angry rage. I needed to make it up to you somehow.”

“Do you frequently get in angry rages?”

“Yes, but mostly just for the aesthetic. Usually I’m too tired to be properly angry.”

Will laughed.

“I’ll return the tin to you, by the way,” Nico added.

“Will you be showing up at my apartment nearly naked again?”

Nico flushed and laughed nervously. “No, I promise I will be fully clothed.”

Will hummed disappointedly. “Well, I suppose I can’t have everything,” he murmured. He smiled then, full and warm, and his eyes crinkled at the corners, and yes, Nico definitely wanted to see that smile more. “Goodnight, Nico,” he said cheerfully.

The door shut before Nico could figure out a way to respond. He stood there staring at it for a solid thirty seconds before turning and heading back to his apartment. When he got back, he decided, he’d put the pizzelles in a different container. He wanted to return the tin to Will Solace as soon as he could get away with.

[calvinlepesh]

yes here you go

  Workcrew immediately for incompletion of the run is common for new kids and previous strugglers. Workcrew is named so because it makes u do nothing because u cant do something so instead of WORKing on something because u suck at that you literally work doing nothing. You have to work to keep yourself entertained. Work to keep yourself from going insane looking at that orange peel textured wall. Yikes. work to not fucking freeze too jesus fucking christ fuck whoever controlled the thermostat. just saying. Sure they didnt know or didnt care but fuck them for that. anyway. After the run you come inside go back to ur room if ur not on workcrew you chill for a few minutes while the chef is done cooking for the entire facility. Obvisouly being on wprl crew You dont eat whatever everyone else eats they work they get reward u no work no reward. oats and water and those fucking goddamn apples. fuck They're probably eating some kickass breakfest burrito or A nice blue berry muffin with yogurt. actually I know and still know the food schedule for breakfest and lunch for everyday of the week. It hardly change and very slightly if ever. So i knew what I could've been eating worst part about it is they eat literally inches from you. Your back facing them listening to them eat and salvate smelling all the condiments and fresh bacon. Waiting patiently for all the other students to finish their meals and wash their dishwear and go to their rooms only after do they. Give you your W/C meal. Oats and water fuck me. The worst part about it was after awhile I got so skinny that parker had me start eating a bowl of oatmeal with every meal this is when i was doing decently well but still being full of shit just not as much. But the worst part was I got 2 bowls of it while all other w/c got 1 And i started to even like it. Almost as if my taste buds had adapted over awhile to enjoy the oats. fuck those apples tho sometimes they were a 3 out of 10. best compliment I can give there sorry not sorry. anyway eat ur meal. its time for group. Group is when the entire facility all families and w/c and parker the director sit down commonly in a circle with parker in a chair and the students on the floor but before I left They had been consistently all in the life timechairs except parker who stood at the front of the main room with the students in a movie theatur like fashion without the leveled tiers obviously. but in order of w/c to family 1-5 so work crew being at the very front right feet from parker. During group we would review issues regarding anything and i mean anything wrong with the facility or the students and staff inside of it. It is encouraged and heavily peer supported to tell on each other and to work on themselves and not let anybody even other students or roomates get in your way. WORK ON YOURSELF by Sourrounding yourself with people on the same mission as you and who do the things to suggest they are going to continue to stay on that mission was a huge message that was pushed in a variety of ways at liahona. through team building exercises, group discussion and definitely confrontation. It is common for students to lash out when they're new. Probably cause they're from California and think these motherfuckers cant do shit to me im a minor. Think again, welcome to Southern buttfuck nowhere Literally sand mountains mars-looking Hurricane Utah. Body slam ur bitchass for acing outta line. Talking back blatent disrespect and obviously anything suggesting possilbe physical or verbal outbreak resulted in a restaint. Most staff would warn u like chill out orim gonna put u on the ground. And you'd get in trouble just for that. Sometimes even a little more secretly I think for not following through. but maybe not considering its a change in behavior. im sure it could be situational. Regardless. back to the story. group typically lasted an hour or so sometimes would watch a documentary afterwards sometimes even a movie however those became quite rare as the students or cycle in. Called generations of students. I was the last of my generation for a good amount of time towards the end of my stay at liahona. Depressing very much so. Watching people who go there a year after u graduate before you. U began to believe those insecurities more and more. and if you have struggle throughout your life with putting negative energy in the universe in the form of speech by conversion of energy to your body which is apart of the universe. i know alittle hard to follow but bear with me and try your best. After group you'd either get on or off of work crew based on how well u did at nothing and the little something u do such as workouts the morning run how u address staff members how even how frequent you use the bathroom to see if ur trying to get up. What was cool at Liahona was doing what you were told. being obiedient at all times immediately and when you do fuck up take the mistake and turn it into success instead of letting it slow you down as a failure. With such a poor mindset at Liahona especially towards the middle of my stay. I stayed at level 1 for 16 months. Probably a record not really a bragging thing tho. The point is I sucked at being a normal ass human. Full of attitude and was disobiedent with little to no respect given off the bat to any adult. Like I was the shit... When you're the shit you don't have the same problems that people who arent the shit have correct. So tying all the way back to the hospital metaphor with my secret broken leg. Honestly was probably secret to me as receiving the injuries throughout critical young developmental stages. I had alot of problems being honest because I was the shit and the shit wasnt supposed to be doing all this disgusting and sad. self demeaning outragous nasty stuff. thats all im gonna say. currently. im not ready to open up about my full past for i feel currently it lays at rest where it belongs until decieded otherwise by me. Now.. where were me. I was the shit. after coming out with stuff half assed in anattempt to still look kinda like the shit. they caught me on my bullshit and I spilled the beans. No longer was I the shit. I was shit. They broke me down emotionally. Making me write my story over and over again my entire life all the things I had ever done wrong. Each time I either came out with something new or changed something becasue everything I told my therapist was true but skewed and I lost track of my story. I had fucked myself and they gave me the rope to do it because they wanted me to earn my coniquences no have them given to me based on a hunch. I fucked myself. and unfortunately it was just he beginning for my emotional workouts. For the next two years. I trecked on. Fast forward july 2016 Im level 4 shadowing a new student with a level 3. us three since we are shadowing can talk in the room about rules only and how to teach them. while having our responsibilities with the quote aswell. at this point I could memorize anything. Memorized some crazy shit honestly wish that the content of the quote was more useful in a sense of remembering important things. or things that are commonly remembered by some idk. the point is we were aloud to talk about rules only. this didnt stay over time after me doing well getting to level fucking 4 this was huge for me and I had gotten comfortable and complacent in my position halting any further actions towards bettering myself everyday. exactly what they don't want you to do. We ended up flying our shadow solo which means hes a level one and we cant talk to him anymore and its cbo. basically hes in the big leagues now. But the level 3 and the other roommate who wasnt aloud to talk but was in the room while we shadowed the new student literally everyday for a month or two. And we all started breaking CBO together. basically we literally talked. about any and everything. Eventually getting comfortable doing that after a week or so couldnt have been too much longer than a week or two before guess who our same shadowed new student turns us in... Just like we had taught him to do. He was rewarded heavily. This was 1 july 2016. the 4th was parkers fav holiday does a shit ton of fun shit for everybody and everybody can talk water balloon fights watermelon eating contest hot dogs play basketball freely. fucking board games bro straight up. I had been at Liahona at this time for 2 about to be 3 Fourth of julys at Liahona and they just got better and better problem was I spent all 3 on work crew. top that off I spent all of July and into August on workcrew. It started off as suicide watch run risk and do nothing. literally as worse at it got. You can use the bathroom and sit in this chair. and you can sleep on this mattress with the fans and AC on with no blankets or pillows. So It stayed like that for  a week. Miserable completely miserable. I had finally started doing well got to level fucking four and im on work crew do nothing sui watch run risk and Ive been here for two years sleeping in the commons with no blanket or pillows shivering. Ill still never forget that day parker said I could choose to have a blanket or a pillow. FUCK U THINK? blanket. ez. I was literally giggling with joy that night under its warmth. That whole month slowly and slowly got increasingly easier on work crew and I didnt know why I was even still on It'd been a fucking month this was august 1st. The next day august 2nd 2016 Parker comes in and tells me im finally leaving. This was a really big day for me and brings to me currently some very strong emotions of relief and regret. For I hadn't completely wasted my time at Liahona but then again I typically in the past back then never completed anything. And honestly that is one of my bullshit things that I say to myself. and still have some belief in for good reason to gain perspective from it. Because unfortunately there are things in this world that are bad but also true. Thats just the way things work. There is good in bad and bad in good always. It may be hard to find or the pros out weigh the cons or vice versa. I see the bad, me not taking very good advantage at all of what Liahona had to offer for me at all times. However still gaining from it which is good aswell of course. But the bad being I did waste alot of my time. Now am I completely to blame for the duration of my time there. Yes because I made the decisions that led to me having to be there longer. honestly cause I needed to be there longer. Maybe a slight tiny bit of blame on my father for neglect to anextent of course when it came to life rules and making sure I know and remember them. But at the end of the day I kept myself on the wall and I have taken responsibility and if I havent i will now. I fucked up at liahona and I caused myself to be there for aslong as I was obviously not intentionally but for some reason. Cause I hated myself and nobody felt bad for me. I nolonger desire that attention. Because I know that If that attention is given to me in the quantity desired and by the form of attention inwhich idesired. Would inturn keep me immature as im hiding and nesting away from my feelings rather than pour them out and release the hate and sadness because its no good. it does no good besides grant perspective both to yourself and others. I never brag about giving to the homeless. Truly the reason I bring it up is because I may not have been homeless for very long or hadn't been homeless without atleast a couch or a garage to sleep in. But after enduring just that water down verison of being homeless. I know they need that damn money more than I do. Im not going to be unreasonable and give him everything I have on my card. but typically I give them at the minimum a cig if they want one and a conversation just cause people need to talk to people. whether they're drunk or not sad or happy talking turns our feelings into reality based on what you desire long term and short term almost combined in a way. You can switch up long term desires such as careers and lifestyles however it is not recommended. However also if you are still in a somewhat content mindset settling for like85 percent full on ur content scale. And this is what you need a little change up. Then by all means switch but keep the short term desires because those need to work first. Before you even decide what you want from life and ur existance ask yourself am I happy? If you are not atleast somewhat content with who you are an individual currently. You need to follow what I told you earlier. You need to dig deep in your heart and soul and mind. Focus on the center of your chest. thats where i feel my soul communicate to me. And i search it with my mind sending inquizitive thoughts to it for its response. Your body is a rosetta stone in a way for literal human communication (speech) and the vibrations of the universe. And vice versa. your body picks up things from the universe and world that it tells u. Maybe gut feelings? Hunches? A strong feeling for no reason??? EVERYTHING HAS A REASON. And if it isn't this than prove it to me. It proves itself and you can try it for yourself. Find contentment in your preplanned manifestation that we call "The Universe" by recognizing both your current insignificance in the real world possibly currently or maybe never; never in your mind atleast. But also your significance in how much control you have just because of what fucking species you are and all the things you can learn. Know you have significance because this is your world and you already chose how your life is going to end. What will last for you what won't. Because somebody (you u idiot) set it up to happen that way. Say you think im full of shit and just crazy. Let me ask you.... Lets just say for shits and giggles then, that you are God/ superior being so to speak. And you created everything we have ever known. Planets, plants, rocks .people communication, every conversation. EVERY FUCKING EVERYTHING WAS MADE BY YOU. so with that in mind given that and the vast amount of knowledge that comes with some power.literally unimaginable because we cant EVEN FUCKING COMPREHEND it.  ie You as God know that all good must have evil. So you realize large world thats actually rather small in comparison to alot of other fucking planets. Maybe it makes some people feel inferior maybe it turns people towards hate. But you decieded we're going to make a little safe haven whenthis random motherfucker wants to see if the world is flat. Killed all the indians. negative. USA positive. Rev war possibly hardcore karma for killing indians unlikely but it always is anyways. we win rev war Now we are free. Put Lepesh in free nation in 1999. He reconizes the power of the mind body and soul combined in the trinity. And wants to spread the message that you too can be happy. the suffering can end. Ive been diagonosed with depression add adhd odd ocd ptsd abcd u fucking name it. And they made a killing off of my parents. Granted I was a very problematic child so they started taking me in at a young age. over time with people telling me whats wrong with me. Yeah ima tell them to fuck off cause Im living the life i want to live. I may not know the consiquences are for me choosing to live like such. But I will and When I do I will weild that power given to me in knowledge and spread to you my wisdom. Speech isnt the only way to manifest things into your reality. Any human contact that can be described by and spoken with our apparently primitive words of any language. YOU MUST MEAN HOW YOU FEEL  Currently this is my world and universe because I value very few things about myself in the grand scheme of everything. Given that wouldn't I want the one thing I value a great deal to succeed and fulfill his dreams and have a goodass life? So thats what this mindset program will do. Others will use it becuase their kids are driving them up the walls and they just can't do it anymore. They're about to throw in the towel and don't know what to do anymore. Maybe its for somebody looking for love and they need to realize that u literally must love urself first. You cannot give what you donot already have. Unless you promiss to give which is an entire other problem in itself given that you can never give the love you want to give because you must find it for yourself by dedicating large amounts of time to yourself over time which you cannot do if ur constantly giving your feeling of infatuation and potential 'promise love' IE I promise you one day Ill love you but right now I cant cause I dont love myself. But I promise I will love myself but u wont. U simply wont. Until you learn your worth which by the fucking way bro. straight the fukc up listen. By the way. you decide your worth. The way you decide to change your worth is by finding the opposing core belief about urself the angelic side the white fluffy this is who I truly am side. The I wanna die fuck everything not even worth it this world isnt worth bringing anybody into is bullshit. However nesscessary for a short period for perspective and experiential sake. Bullshit. You manifested bullshit told to you over time in different ways. almost like taking pieces of gum out from underneath tables accorss every resturant you go through for example ur entire life. making a big ball of gross bullshit told to you in the forms of verbal abuse sexual physical. just bullshit. Best thing about bullshit is that it is always bad. The only good in the bad of bullshit is that it give great perspective and it helps this rant lol. Anyways, Realize that angelic force you hold and listen to your mind and heart tell you what you already know. and put it into action by reminding yourself about it as much as possible until its all you really think about. You'll notice key changes in yourself. Keep in mind these some of these effects happened immediately some over time some after forgetting my worth some during forgetting my worth.For myself after finding myself again focusing on the bullshit that isnt true. Radical difference in hesitation to speak to people. and to even what im going to speak. I used to care about everything and project that I care about nothing. It was fucking stupid sad and pretty pathetic actually. very sad now that I think about it. Pretending almost in a way. Sag my pants wear dark and almost shady clothing. ears pierced, quit sports, smoke weed, everything to say I don't give a fuck about anything at all ever and never will. I did it and said it. Of course with periods of absolute disbelief and saddness for I knew the whole time I was living a bullshit fabricated lie that directly stemmed from my self esteem issues and uncertainty in myself and the universe. Im very grateful for my current state of being however unsober. very very helpful and a clear message from myself that I believe I know what I need to do. Or what I want to do. But how? Im not worried about why because Its impossible and highly unlikely that the reason presents itself so early. And so it has before but many a few times and such a long time inbetween instances its almost radical to gamble on such things. Might aswell waste my time doing jack shit sitting on the fucking wall for no reason. Im going to end this in the same fashion I started it to an extent. Unexpected and unrehearsed and will summarize in steps how use this Mindset Program I designed to help those capable enough to over come depression and treat general unhappiness with the combined power of your heart mind and soul. Idk but i wasnt specifically planning on making a book for financial gain although it was a large contributing factor. and I as I sit here and think about what I typed it doesn't matter. Because regardless of what happens I wanted it to so it will in the exact way I want it to effect me. if at all idk if i will lol. Crazy man lifes a trip. I need money and i dont deserve it but I can say confidently currently right this moment I would spend my money according to what I desire in the long term. And it would help me start that journey so I may learn more. and continue to better myself as an individual everyday. or  at the very least do something that shows im a good person. In this world you have to keep your guard up not always but typically a great majority of the time. Given that, it's not hard to see why nobody trusts anybody on anything anymore. For a long time and still to this day a vast majority of humans have and will continue to act good but do bad consistently. They have simply been worshiping there bullshit thoughts. The best thing you can do for such a person who has potentially lost all hope. Or is on that path or near the end of it. Let that person know you love them. Only do so if you mean what you say tho. If you mean the words and they are looking at you when you say it. They will straight the fuck up feel your love. Might not be a fucking serotonin shot but its a little love that they will feel and remind them. Its never too late to change your mindset and find empathy for yourself and the world. Here are the current Finalized step by step instructions on how to use my newly developed highly successful Mindset Program. Guarenteeed to bring about contentment and feelings of joy to those who complete and follow these steps completely... 1.)FIRST OFF DO NOT READ THIS SHIT IF YOU AREN'T OPEN-MINDED OR YOU'LL NEVER HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN IT AGAIN, WAIT UNTIL YOU GET YOURSELF ATLEAST SOMEWHAT UNDERCONTROL.2.)EMPATHY Either Already have or Develop a very hardcore understanding and knowledge of empathy by having gratitude through perspective that you must gain. Gaining perspective can happen in a number of ways. The misfortunate are a great way to lead you to happiness. By giving away your money need it or not. who needs it more. and what are they spending it on. If you were homeless outside in january wouldnt you want to be drunk? you were gonna buy a steak and lobster dinner that night anyway even if you didnt have the 10$ cash you gave to Michael by the dumpster. That inturn puts you indebt in a way to the universe. Almost saying this guy will get something good from this at some point in his life. Could be your friend buying your next meal or an invitation to a crazy party. who knows and who knows when its going to happen. we don't the beauty of it is that you know its coming in some shape or form. infact it might have already paid its debt by making you feel better when you did it???? Put yourself in less fortunate peoples shoes. Take acid as much as you can within reason obviously you don't wanna end up fried as fuck. But definitely trip balls man go learn about yourself and the world. Acid is a key to more knowledge. You swim in it but its like trying to bring water (the knowledge) with you when you get out of the pool. You can never even get close to obtaining all of that knowledge. I just needed enough to know that my life isn't completely fucking worthless cause I truly can control my life and you can control yours. Is so empowering to see it happen first hand. To see success finally coming and showing itself after all this time. The worst part is I knew all of this shit long ago. I was told this stuff in Liahona and They knew we didn't fully get it yet. Now I get it. Finally. wtf. I can control my own life.3.)SEARCH YOUR SOUL WITH YOUR MIND. Literally ask yourself questions like a literal one sided conversation. Ask yourself. What do I desire in my life most? For me? Wife car house maybe a farm cat dog fucking dont care whatever she wants the house to look like. two cars actually. I want a boat. and a stable well paying job and some kickass kids. When do I want it to happen. I decided that before I was here. Because I was apart of the aliens maybe idk lol just a thought. Maybe they let me choose they were like yo man this is where ur coming into this planet. they're dumb but think they're really smart and theres lots of chaos they're pretty bad animals i know its a bad gig to send you into but if you like what you can make happen go for it. I wouldn't come into this world unless I knew that things would work out for me at some point. and idk if today is the day but ive realized again what I had already realized but soon forgotten about over a month after. Either from complacentcey or just down right bad memory. Either way I forgot the path and Now I am back.4.)YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE GOOD IN THE BAD AND THE BAD IN THE GOOD For example, for me my bads are so seldom compared to what some people across the universe go through on a daily basis. I have it so good already. Now compared to the rest of my country.. yeah Im not doing very well financially or on some of the selfs. I have the mental capcity and emotional knowledge and strength currently developed from years of deep depression and sadness. Drug abuse and wanting to be numb. Wanting to die or hurt myself. Here I am reconizing the bad in my life the symptoms of listening and believing other peoples bullshit. Reconizing that the bullshit isnt true and was never true. sometimes reconizing a genreal date that you remember yourself starting to believe what people bullshit to you about yourself. Maybe you remember how you felt about yourself before someone called you fat or ugly or hurt u in some way. Remember previous relationships that have cut u deep over time and may even hurt a bit to think about. Remember the fighting and bullshit. But most importantly remember the good times. Ive caught myself many times forgetting the numerous good times had with previous loved ones in almost a desperate attempt to save yourself. Its a protection tactic that completely stops any and all emotional grow. The only way you get stronger is if you do the work. Just like at the gym the only way you get a ripped ass chest or a 6 pack is by doing the fucking work and lifting it. There is no short cut that is worthwhile longterm. Roids give you boobs and shrink ur balls now ur shot on the kids Idea cause u tried to take a shortcut. Same with emotions. using heroin was a big thing for me for awhile i was at a point where I knew it was stopping me from growing emotionally. Because it doesn't allow you to feel anything. you feel numb you don t care. when I took heroin I felt like I really was who I said I was. I overdosed a few months ago and died onheroin. started using again a couple days later. I stopping in November and id be lying if I said it wasnt brutal. so sure I tried to numb the pain with other things. Alcohol is a big one coke, meth, lots and lots of weed, anything that would or could alter my mind besides heroin is what Ive been doing.  Now none of these things are beneficial in the long term except for weed and acid maybe coke if the universe allows it. The opportunity that you desire would not present itself to you without you first creating the desire. I have a desire for drugs. So I have drugs. But Im at the very least smart enough to realize that heroin is if not a complete block of emotions pretty damn fucking close to it. which allows for significantly less emotion growth through the actual feeling of your feelings and emotions. Another big thing that can help is talking about what you discovered about yourself all the bullshit you believed and the statements you have in place to replace them. My previous statement for example Im a fucking loser thats never going to amount to shit. My angelic statement, I've made many mistake and failures in my life at a young age that I wouldn't trade for the world for they have development me into me. You've made it this far havent you?5.) USE YOUR TRINITY TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE STARTING BY FINDING WHAT WORKS FOR YOU TO HAVE A CONSTANT REMINDER. Basically this means find a way to take your new angelic statement created from the good inside the bad and either associate that statement to whatever you see best fit. For example. I have an alarm in the morning that reads! Choose to be happy! with some other notes aswell. And I read that I think to myself. Its a choice. I can use my mind to change my reality over time based on how I feel. I DONT HAVE TO BE SAD ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE THE DESIRES IN MY LIFE THAT PULL ME TOWARDS THEM THROUGH MY DECISIONS AND ACTIONS CURRENTLY.