#im in pain. kill me. please its 6am.

[ghostorbz]

HHAHHAHHAHHAHHA IM GOING FUCKING CRAZY

I'm making a comic. Here's me losing my mind

[phagodyke]

had a very weird dream the place I worked was in the marine exploration industry and I was presenting a review of a deep sea probe we were retiring and then woke up extremely abruptly bc my body started digging my uterus out with a million tiny blunt spoons YOWIEEEEOWWW

[gayconfessioncas]

cas 🤜 j*hn

[loslotharios]

...that certainly was something huh?

One thing this show is going to always do is make me ugly cry til my head hurts lmao.

Anyways as per usual my "thoughts" ⬇️

Man I really wish I'd started doing these posts earlier bc it's fun to just dump my dumb thoughts on u all lmao. Like can u imagine me talking about earlier seasons or about rayanne??? CHAOS.

Alright starting off strong with Dembe. Hello. I love u.

"I blame him too sometimes." DEMBE! This single line made my mind go crazy with kid Dembe headcannons. Sooooo imma get back on those.

PINKY 💀💀💀

The helium scene is the best thing to ever happen on this show. They are children. All 3 of them. I NEED more Red/Aram/Dembe interactions.

Cooper calling Red "Raymond". BITCH WHY DONT YOU JUST PROPOSE ALREADY.

RAYMOND WANTS HER TO MERC HIS ASS??? NOOOOOOO STOP

Personally, if I was Elizabeth I would just knock the old man Red over, snatch up the letter and haul ass. What's he gonna do? Run after me? Even injured I have no doubt she could outrun him... no offense Raymond.

Agnes rocking the denim on denim. Queen shit. Iconic. Incredible.

How far behind in school do you think Agnes is at this point?

Not to be a whore, but Red and Dembe 😩 I would. Both of them. No shame.

Elizabeth looked sketchy as fuck in the hospital. Girl at least take off the hat.

Aram loves Reddington and it's so freaking cute. Lmao.

I always thought it was hella weird of Elizabeth to ask that little girl to touch her scar. Nobody wants to touch your funky scar dude. Sorry but I had to say it.

Not Elizabeth unloading her drama on this 15 year old girl. She's just like 😬 my train is here sorry.

I'm not gonna lie, there was A LOT of talking this episode. I may or may not have zoned out just a little.

This show at times gives me "indie movie" vibes. The scene cutting between Red and the statue is one of those times.

Raymond really made his bestie help him plan/help execute his death. Toxic.

Agnes said: #blessed🙏

Ressler sneaking out the hospital was funny asf sorry. Hes out running in the streets. Sir sit down please.

RED AND DEMBE HUGGING IM CRYINGGGG I COULD FEEL THE EMOTION.

Cooper briskly walking to go try to save his boyfriend's life. Love it.

ELIZABETH NOOOOO RIP MY HOMEGIRL IM CRYING. WHY DOES THIS SHOW ALWAYS MAKE ME SOB?!?!?! WHYYYY.THE FUCKING MONTAGE. THE MUSIC. RAYMOND NOT WANTING TO LET GO. OH MY GOD MY HEART. DEMBE'S "IM SORRY" AS HE PULLS HIM AWAY!! THE SQUAD NOOOO RESSLER!!

Fuck. Where does the show go from here? Cant wait for s9 tbh.

Some after thoughts:

Im fully convinced Red had a sniper or something there to kill him from a far, if Liz couldn't do it. Guess we'll never know :(

For a second, i thought they were gonna kill raymond tbh. Him draining that wine glass would have been a good send off lmao.

Kind of hate that Liz never found out the truth from him. But oh well. Imma miss her. OH MY GOD AGNES! AGNES UGHHG IM IN PAIN.

Okay. I'm gonna retreat into my happy tbl au in my head and try to sleep cause its 6am. Maybe I'll post some of my fun headcannons later bc everything is so sad right now. Also this ended up way longer than I thought lmao oops.

Bye bye for now <3

[insatiablestitches]

BIG ASS MENTAL BREAKDOWN RANT DO NOT READ ITS SUPER TRIGGERIG BUT IM SELF DESTRUCTIVE AND POSTING IT ANYWAYS BECAUSE I CRAVE ATTENTIONM

My rapist is getting arrested within the next couple days. I’m scared of going to court since I’m quite sure it’s going to go there and fuck idk. I sleep in past my counselling sessions because I can’t fall asleep at night and when I’m finally able to sleep I don’t want to wake up for as long as possible. I can’t get over the fact that I am a burden, financially and mentally, to my entire family. My entire existence consists of me sleeping, eating, pissing, shitting, crying, flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation, self harming and mental breakdowns. I’m physically incapable of doing anything else but until this shit goes to court I’m just going to try as hard as I can to survive. I haven’t even been able to see any psychiatrists or psychologists to get even a fucking diagnosis because I’m just such a fucking burden and they can smell it from a mile away. I’ve tried contacting ducking DOZENS of people but none are interested. Not even the people who are paid to help me want to get anywhere near me. I genuinely want to do a suicide attempt just so people understand how much being raped has ruined me, maybe then I’ll get help. I just don’t want to bring any attention to it or do it before we go to court and he gets his charges just in case it means I’ll be stopped from doing it in the future. I’m still under 18 so at least the public mental health care is still alright for me, I have no ducking clue what I’m going to do in a years time becausethen I’ll be locked up with literal criminals because of the actions of what one person did to me one night. I’ve been told for 10 months things will get better. Sure I’m not as depressed cause I’m on anti depressants but now I can actually feel all of the pain constantly overwhelming me and the only thing that stops it is the physical pain caused by me literally cutting my own goddamn skin open, how fucked is that and how fucked am I? There’s something strangely grounding and satisfying about running my fingertips over the fresh scabs that form after i cut. I’m worried I’ll scar myself permanently too if I do it too often or too deep. I don’t want other people judging and assuming my story, when telling it puts me in danger for manipulation and more pain. Even though they will help me keep away from those who think down on people who have and do self harm I don’t want to have a reminder of this pain every time I look down at my arms or see my shoulders in the mirror. Fuck I also miss how it feels to have a strong romantic bond with a partner. I got a boyfriend a couple months ago and he was fucking perfect, but my issues triggered his depression so he left me. You’re always #1, I understand that, but everyday I miss the safety and feeling that everything’s going to be okay that I felt when we texted, he spoke to me and when I was in his arms. I fucking hate myself, there’s nothing wrong with my body physically I literally couldn’t give a shit about that, but just the fact that it was _this_ body that was raped absolutely disgusts me. I shouldn’t expect anyone to love me while I feel this way about myself, using people as emotional crutches is toxic and unhelpful but in the moment it makes me feel almost okay and compared to the rest of my existence fucj that’s so incredible. The only times I’ve been happy this year was when I was high. Fuck it feels so good to just not have everything swirling around in my head constantly and to be able to just chill out and laugh, without immediately remembering how pathetic I really am. The other upside is that my senses heighten and sex is fucking brilliant, plus I normally have no bad reactions after it and I can just vibe without the risk of a flashback at any point. The fact that I’m actually happy when I smoke is the reason why I don’t smoke ever. It’s too painful after to have such a recent memory of it, which makes me want to smoke more until it would trap me in a viscous loop which I cannot afford. I’ve actually never paid for weed cause I normally smoke when I sleep with guys and obviously the man has to pay for the dinner on the first ;)

Idk if this is glitched or what but I’m going to continue here. I’m just fucked. Everyone at my school hates me or thinks I’m annoying at the very least. In the past couple months only a handful of people have been bothered to ask me how I am going, to which I respond honestly with “I’m going through A LOT right now” and they always say they’re there to talk, but the moment I tell anyone what I’ve gone through and how horribly I’m dealing with it they get scared off so I just prefer to stay vague and mysterious. I can’t wait to graduate. I was meant to this year but honestly I doubt I’ll even graduate next year, that’s if I make it. Does tumblr have a content detection bot? Like will it read this and be like well shit this girl needs help and call a fucking ambulance or something to my house? Dear tumblr bot I’m okay for now but if you’re able to make mental health professionals actually give a shit about me PLEASE TELL ME.

I was told once I told my family and reached out things would get better and I’d get help. I spent 7 months in fear, stupidly may I add. I had a fucking monumental breakdown the night my bf broke up with me, which made me write a text to my mum about it. It’s been 3 months since then, and I don’t have the anxiety of my family not knowing anymore and some other shit, but things aren’t as great as people made it out to be. At least when my family didn’t know I was worried about the same few things, the police not being able to move forward with their investigation, me not getting sufficient help and support and some other shit I can’t remember at 6am. I always had a hope that kept me going which was that once my family knew I could actually get help. It’s fair to say that hasn’t happened, and things have gotten worse. 3 months ago I wouldn’t think of self harming, now I do it once every couple days, i would never have considered trying to kill myself even “for attention”, but now it’s something I always have in the back of my mind for if my rapist doesn’t get a decent sentence. Fuck now I’m upset about this. I just don’t want him to hurt anyone else. Nobody deserves to experience what I have to go through daily, possibly for the rest of my fucking life. I just am constantly so worried about this, what if there are others? And my inaction until July caused someone else to experience something similar to me. I don’t know if I could handle that news. Fuck there are birds chirping outside I’ve been up for so long, now I might not ever be able to get to sleep now.

It’s strange how I enjoy the warmth that happens on my skin after I cut it while it’s freshly healing. Idk, it’s like irritation but there was no bacteria trying to get in so it won’t hurt for long. I’m too much of a pussy to cut deep because I want to be in non psych ward bliss for just a little bit. Hey wait I’m gonna go send a text to a friend to maybe hang out and do some naughty stuff to try and make me feel better lol.

I apologise to anyone who actually read this, but thanks for listening I guess this helped me through a breakdown. I might not post it actually, wait fuck it I’m gonna lmao. Alright nightttt

[chickenfetus]

rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

i was tagged falen do i even need to @ her at this point everyone knows who she is

THE LAST:

1. Drink: water i dont drink anything else and yet my face doesnt cooperate 

2. Phone call: i hm?? my friends i guess but all of which are to wake them up and i usually mute my side so really no talking is done

3. Text message: my tuition teacher lMAO

4. Song you listened to: it just ended and i forgot but my day by day6 just started playing

5. Time you cried: i WANTEd to cry today but i didnt i dont rmb when was the last time i cried tbh??

6. Dated someone twice: i no

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: i accidentally command + n and typed no into that search bar of the new window i created um

8. Been cheated on: n o

9. Lost someone special: uuu no

10. Been depressed: i doubt so

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: i only know my best friend water

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14. blue, green, grey

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yeEHAHH

16. Fallen out of love: no my crushes are a lie

17. Laughed until you cried: yEAH PROBABLY

18. Found out someone was talking about you: hmMmm i guess

19. Met someone who changed you: im constantly changing who am i

20. Found out who your friends are: yes

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: whats facebook

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: refer to 21

23. Do you have any pets: i want pets but realistically speaking i’d end up killing both of us

24. Do you want to change your name: maaybe??? if i ever thought of smth better but thinking is hard so no thanks

25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i stayed home LOL

26. What time did you wake up: 6am i heart school

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: my eyes were closed and i was having my good rest tm

28. Name something you can’t wait for: i cant wait for exams to end in october (just kidding i cant wait for monday more exams!!! day6 august comeback imMMM)

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: this morning

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: finding out abt all my current interests/friends earlier

31. What are you listening right now: blood by day6 surprise its the gods again

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: no 

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my lazy ass

34. Most visited Website: (from most to least) twitter, youtube/v live, tumblr

35. Elementary: i like how it just says this like what sort of question

36. High School: i am high school i think

37. College: i am high school

38. Haircolor: black?? with random streaks of brown LMAO idk how that happened but ive had ppl asking me if i dyed it too

39. Long or short hair: long i cant wait 2 cut it

40. Do you have a crush on someone: day6

41. What do you like about yourself: i uh stay hydrated everyday surfs up 42. Piercings: no pain in this house

43. Bloodtype: A (loser)

44. Nickname: deadass when i typed 43 i didnt see falens ans for this and i was shockd its egg

45. Relationship status: in a love hate r/s with day6 

46. Pronouns: she/her

47. Favorite TV show: i dont even watch anime that often anymore whats a tv

48. Tattoos: no pain no gain no its really fine please  49. Right or left: these questions istg right handed

50. Surgery: none

51. Sport: is this asking what my fav sport is or what dude volleyball but i cant play it properly LMAO 

52. Vacation: dream vacation?? japan

53. Pair of trainers: i only wear converse 

MORE GENERAL:

54. Eating: air 55. Drinking: should i drink smth now itll be water

56. I’m about to: doing all of these

57. Waiting for: bed time

58. Want: dea 59. Get married: no

60. Career: another no

WHICH IS BETTER:

61. Hugs or kisses: huhuhuhuhug

62. Lips or eyes: eyes maybe

63. Shorter or taller: taller amen

64. Younger or older: older?? apparently i have a thng 4 that any grandmas want to hang out tmr

65. Nice arms or nice stomach: LEGS

66. Sensitive or loud: anythinggg

67. Hook up or relationship: relatiosnhop

68. Troublemaker or hesitant: mayb like a mix

HAVE YOU EVER:

69. Kissed a stranger: nooo

70. Drank hard liquor: onlyy hard water 

71. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no how do u lose ur glasses if theyre on ur face

72. Turned someone down: i wouldnt count any from the past bc we were young

73. Sex in the first date: nnoo

74. Broken someones heart: no 75. Had your heart broken: i guess

76. Been arrested: LOL

77. Cried when someone died: no,, ,,

78. Fallen for a friend: yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

79. Yourself: no LOL

80. Miracles: who

81. Love at first sight: uh 

82. Santa Claus: no i never got presents anyway

83. Kiss in the first date: i

84. Angels: yeha day6

OTHER:

85. Current best friends name: day6

86. Eye color: daark brownn

87. Favorite movie: my life (its a comedy)

tagging no oneeee

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

So hello sorry its been so long ive been trying to sort things out and mental health problems so this is closely related to the blog under the name of ‘broken trust’ Trigger warnings suicide,SELF harm,Abortion,rape There is apart of the story I missed out and youlll understand why in a sec. So after the rape off of Aiden (rapes #3 and #4) I knew something wasn’t right. In January I did a test and found out I was pregnant as a result of the rape I went through. It was a horrible thing to see bit I already kinda knew. My friend had to hold me to stop me from killing myself because I was very close I wanted to die so badlly… My world fell apart but my mate stayed by me he kept me safe and we made a appointment at the abortion clinic I still hate myself for it but I could not have a child living in an abustve home and if my parents knew I'd be kicked out even if they also knew it was from a rape. My mental health was poor and im a university student I couldn’t deal with it. You can say ‘why didn’t you put it up for adption?’ because I would probably end up killing the baby before it came to it with my eating disorders and my achol problems ive had oh and the overdoses… But yeah so the night before we went to the clinic in Mansfield we quickly went to my accomodation at 12am snuck in to my flat and had to be awake at 6am for the train. All night I led there thinking of how much I wanted to cut myself so deep just so I could slide the blade across my wrist feel the warm blood drip down my arm before I pass out and die its all I wanted the sweet relief of death. But I kept going. It was rough, I dragged myself out of bed well my friend did and we got the train I was so anxious and felt sick and tired but couldn’t nap I felt shit and on the edge of a panic attack then we arrived into Mansfield and we started making our way to the place I kept stopping cuz of my anxiety I felt so anxious all day I was like a second off having a full on panic attack. We started to get closer and I slowed down I was panicking most the time we first couldn’t find the place then I was so anxious I couldnt talk so my friend talked for me we found it and I filled out some forms. We sat in the waiting room the radio was playing and all I wanted to do was to burst into tears all I wanted was to cry and die. My friend went to the bathroom and I was called through. The lady was lovey as fuck, she made me feel comfortable and not so shit about my decision I knew I couldn’t look my rapist's child in the face I couldn’t care for it. She asked a lot of questions about me and my reasons why I didn’t have to but they were very patient with me and let me take my time.The ladies in the reception thingy were so lovely I think they could tell I was anxious. What made me feel slightly better is there were 3 or 4 other people in there so made me feel less alone with what I was doing. We had to wait a bit and because my anxiety was through the roof I listened to some music and hugged my friend a bit. I was at this point shaking a bit. The next time I was called in was about 30 minutes later for a scan. That was the hardtest part of the whole thing with being weighed and finding out how many weeks, but then that was all said and done and we waited a bit longer. Then we went into a room with my friend and we spoke and she asked me ‘are you sure you want to do this’ I said yes then took the pill to kill it, I don’t regret it and if you have a issue with this please BLOCK me I was RAPED AND ITS MY BODY MY CHOICE! And I was given some more pills to make it come out like a mini labour we are not gonna talk about where they went……. But we headed back to my flat to grab our stuff I think we stayed there that night I don't 100% remember but yeah then we headed to the other flat I.... took the pills..... up my..... yeah.... you know.... yeahh..... My friend had a lecture and I kinda encouraged them to go but this was the most painful experience of my life this is gonna be grapic but im not going into much detail. But I was led in bed and my stomch felt like it had been sta

[savedbyloveforgivenbygrace]

* BREAK A LEG

PROVERBS 3:8 Then, you will have healing for your body & strength for your bones. 👣

Its been 2months since I had my accident last Feb. 10, 2017. It started when.. I travel every morning before the sun rises(between 4:45 or 5am because my work starts 6am, though sometimes I’m still late.) I rode a jeep here in divisoria (divi-cubao) and I rode again at Seattle a jeep tracking Philcoa and went down at National Kidney Transplant Institute – NKTI (where I’m working as a trainee/extern). I always pray wherever I am.

The night before, I’ve got a bad feeling wearing my cloth that has a print of “Life’s a bitch”, I’ve got a feeling that I shouldn’t wear it. And I heard something inside my head sayin’ “Wear your other shirt, not that one.”, but I just annoyed what I’ve heard. The next morning, feb. 10, 2017 I went out the house at 5:15am (it’s very late) so I travelled, while in the jeepney, I pray and pray because I remember my dream also that I got an accident (Yea, it happened I didn’t tell anybody up until now.) I can’t explain why am I not feeling alright or what so I call my boyfriend. I wore my headset and talked to him while journeying. We’ve talked until I saw the I’m nearly going down the jeepney. I told the jeepney driver “Kuya, sa may pedestrian lang po.” (Gate1 of QC cityhall) and also to my boyfriend I told him “Wait lang babe, maya na tayo usap. Tatawid lang ako.” I went down on the pedestrian lane, & removed the headset on my left ear and look left and right, I saw the vehicles were far so I crossed the lane but then..

I was surprised when I was lying down on the ground and saw some medics and police traffic enforcer, and guards. I opened my eyes and its kinda blurry first then I asked the medic guy.. “Kuya anong nangyari?” (It was like I awaken from a dream or is it a dream, is it real?) and he said “Nasagasaan ka.” I was astonished! I touched my face and look at my hand and there was blood! and told kuya again “Tulungan mo ko kuya.” and he said, “Oo wag ka mag-alala, wag kang gagalaw.” Then I looked on my right leg and saw it’s bended. I tried to straight it but he said again “Wag mong gagalawin, nabalian ka.” When I saw the blood on my hands I felt a little panicked attack in my heart and no pain below but when he said that I got a fractured bone that’s the only time I felt so much pain and told him again “Kuya, tulungan mo ko! please! I cried so hard and very loud because it’s very painful. (That’s the time I remember when someone told me “Do not wear that shirt” – it was God telling me and reminding me. I guess it’s also my fault.) Then, they put me on the stretcher and in the ambulance yet it was very hard to me because whenever they touched my leg I really felt the pain, its like killing me! The medic guy and girl asked my name and I just said to do them to get my PRC License in my bag. The they asked me where will I go & told them I have a duty in NKTI (actually the accident happened infront of the main gate of NKTI, just one cross again and there is the gate!) So they asked me to call one of my co-worker there. So I called my BEST FRIEND *RAM* then the ambulance waited infront of the hospital and he came and also they told me to call my mother I called her and I said “Kuya, ikaw na po kumausap.”, so he was the one had conversation with my mom.

They brought me in East Avenue Medical Center –EAMC (it was my hospital when I was in fourth year as a medtech student, there I had my internship training) they put me again on another stretcher another torture! to make it short, Ram got my phone and call anyone whom he can call. Then there was Dr. Narvaez (an orthopaedic doctor), he asked lots of question my name and the thing happened to me then he said “Micah sige, iuunat ko yung leg mo ha.” Me: I got big eyes and yelled “Wag doc! Masakit po!” Dr. Narvaez: “Hindi pwede kase kelangan, maiunat yan ha. Dahan-dahanin ko lang.” So he gently stretched my bended leg and I was yelling aloud and the whole ER patients and hospital personnel was looking at me in short “Im the center of attraction!” It was very very very very 100x painful or not just 100x, a zillion times. Imagine it, Stretching your fractured leg! Aaaaawww. Then they put a gallon and tied around my foot. So the water gallon will pull my bone inside. (My femur bone.)

Just a wrapped Up!!! I had ct scan, xray and other lab test(s). I’m very happy because only my fractured bone was the problem & no other injuries inside. Only abrasion on my face and arms including my broken tooth (its still painful up until now, if you have some dentist friend can you ask them what to do to my tooth. See the picture). I had my operation Feb. 17, 2017. 11am-3pm. The titanium placed outside because my bone canal measures like a baby’s bone canal (my doctor said) so my steel inside was just a support so I need to wait for 10weeks to start my therapy. My last checkup said that it has a callus formation. YEY! THANK GOD. ❤ Its a GOOD SIGN!!!! 😊😊😊 * Callus – Mass of exudate and connective tissue that forms around a break in a bone and is converted into bone in healing.

Im very blessed because I stayed in the hospital for two weeks. (And thankful for the persons who visited me in the hospital. My family, Papa, Mama, Ate Joy, Ejboy, my love jeff [who also was there whenever his off] my bestfriend(s) Ram and Dhez, my ninang emily, tito and tita esp. Tita Josie, cousins, NKTI friends/staffs/Heads/chief medtech, my old staffs in EAMC, my medtech friends and classmates (Salamat sainio ang kakalog nio. Hihihi) and mostly the Lord God Almighty [always and forever.) Also to persons who didn’t made their presence when I was in the hospital but reached me through chat and text, thank you guys! ❤ i love you all.

I pray that God will continue to guide my life, all the days of my life. I pray also that He will help me in my therapy so that I can walk again. Thank you Lord, Declaring Victory. Also, may God bless also the one who made me like this and never again to happen to him (& to me), Amen. Thanks for taking time to read. God is Good. All Glory to Him. I shared this because I’m ready to face another journey (when I goy my complete healing.) 🙏☝ ✍God loves us. 😍