#im having freshman year flashbacks

[lovesodakid]

sworn to secrecy

chris sturniolo x fem!reader

2 3 4 5 6

summary: chris and y/n have known each other, pretty much their whole lives. y/n has always had a crush on chris. chris always viewed y/n as ‘nate’s little sister’ until one day, he realized, she wasn’t so little anymore…which nate sees..in which. he does not approve whatsoever. (“brothers best friend trope”)

warnings: slight mention of toxic household. shouldn’t be any more than that, if there is, lmk !!

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i groaned as i opened my eyes, fluttering them multiple times so i could adjust to the sunlight hitting my face through my window, lighting up my room and painting a beautiful orange-like color onto my walls from the early morning sunrise. i extend my arm out from under the warm comforter, to turn off my blaring alarm. i move to my side to look over at the alarm as it reads, 6:04am.

i sit up, stretching and yawning as i grumble a few breathless words as i place my feet on the cold hardwood flooring of my bedroom.

i quickly shuffle my way to my closet to grab some clothes to change into. considering it’s the middle of august in boston, it’ll most likely be warm today, so i grab a short sleeve plain white t-shirt and light washed baggy denim jeans. also, of course socks, bra, underwear, the good stuff.

today is the first day of my junior year. which means, it’s the first day of senior year for my annoying brother, nathan doe, and the triplets, whom i’ve known since i was at least 5 years old. i’ve grown up with them. i’ve seen them pick their nose, pee in the pool, and scream that girls have cooties into my face. i’ve witnessed them going on dates for the first time and their first sip of alcohol. i’ve seen it all.

nick is my best friend in the whole wide world. hes the one person who knows every single detail about me. when mine and nate’s parents used to get into fights when we were younger, nick was the first one to distract me from it. i’d bring my barbie’s to the triplets house and play with him, while nate played x-box with matt and chris. speaking of those two, im very close with matt. he and i bonded in my freshman year, when i was discovering what having anxiety meant, so was he. we kind of helped each other along the way, ive always viewed him as a second brother. chris on the other hand? not as a brother.

christopher sturniolo. the guy i’ve had the fattest crush on since the age of 10. below that age, i also thought boys had ‘cooties’. until one day, when i was playing tag with chris on the playground in elementary school.

flashback

i was chasing chris down the sidewalk that separated the playground from the grassy area at recess, when i tumbled over and landed on my hands and knees. which caused my knees and palms to be scrapped up. as i stood up, my knees were slightly bleeding, along with my palm. i guess chris heard that i stopped, he hurried over to where i was.

“are you okay?” chris softly asked.

“n-no.” i softly cried.

he gently picks my right hand up, planting a microscopic kiss on the back of it.“here, i’ll take you to a teacher. okay?” he says, slightly holding onto my elbow.

“okay.” i sniffled.

from that moment. i knew. i liked him.

end of flashback

i sigh at the memory as i finish getting dressed.

once im done, i put on a pair of air force 1’s, and make my way to my vanity. i opt on just putting on some mascara and lip gloss, deciding that i dont want to do a full face of makeup today.

i pick up my hairbrush, slowly brushing out any kinks or knots in it. once im done, i walk towards my bathroom, and brush my teeth.

“hey! are you ready? the triplets are on their way!” nate yells from down the hall.

“yeah! almost! give me 3 more minutes!” i yell with a mouth full of mint toothpaste.

once im done in the bathroom, i make my way into my bedroom, picking up my backpack off the floor, and grabbing my phone off the nightstand. almost as soon as i head toward my bedroom door to open it, i hear a faint honking coming from outside.

“are you ready? they’re here.” nate says to me as i walk down the rigid, old stairs of my house.

“yes.” i say as i walk past him, to outside.

i make my way to the minivan in my driveway, as i walk around to open the door behind the passenger seat. as nate and i get into our usual spots. matts always driving of course. chris in the passenger seat, nick in the middle backseat, me sitting behind chris, and nate sitting behind matt. it’s the ‘unspoken seat chart’ we randomly came up with.

“you guys ready for senior year!” chris yells loudly.

“yes. my last year in this hell hole!” nate exclaims.

nick and matt just say ‘yes’ in unison.

“what about you, kid? you ready for junior year?” chris turns around in his seat to ask me.

“kid” how i hate that nickname.

“uh yeah, sure.” i mumble.

“junior year really isn’t that bad. don’t stress to much over it.” nick whispers to me

after 15 minutes of chris’s loud rap songs giving me a blasting headache, we finally arrive at the school. once we walk in, we all split our ways to head to our first period classrooms. this year, i have english, so i make my way there.

once i get into the room, i head to the seat furthest in the back. as soon as i sit down, the bell rings, signaling it’s time for first period to begin.

“good morning everyone. my name is mrs. steven’s, ill be your english teacher for this year. now let’s go over…” mrs. steven’s speaks to the room full of teenagers.

i allow her words to trail off as my brain blocks her voice out. i hate school. how long until summer break again?

____________________________________________

a/n: okayy sooooo. i know this part is actually so boring and kind of short. idk if this is actually good or not so lmk if you want me to continue. in this story, the triplets and nathan are the same age and y/n is a year younger. ngl, i kinda gave up at the end lowkey, i just wanted to get this part out to see if it’ll be worth writing a whole story over, which i do have a lot a plans for actually. but it’s also 1:30 in the morning so im tired as fuck so.

[fairykazu]

20191009 i like her ft. kazuha ⊹ ࣪ ˖

cws: feminine terms are used but reader is referred as gn terms, highschool au, mutual pining, fluff, angst, parental issues, implied chiscara, mild profanity

masterlist

it’s around eleven-something and lunch has started, you and kazuha were laying on a blanket near the rooftops of school. kazuha brought up when a fight broke out between childe and scaramouche, something about childe being too close to scaramouche’s personal space. the wind was blowing gently as you laughed, perching on one of your hands, “kazuha, they have to be into each other.”

kazuha noticed as you laughed, you shivered. he leaned a little closer, zipping you up, “you’re right, star.”

star was a nickname that kazuha gave to you in freshman year when you were rightfully upset about your mother telling that with your grades, you would never grow up to be successful as she is and only to become a random man’s housewife earning nothing other than chores that would pile up.

flashback

after the talk with your mother, you told her you’ll be studying at your friend’s house and she let out a sigh of relief, “thank god, you’re getting your shit together.”

you tried not to react to the words you have heard before squeezing your lips into a fine line, “good bye, mother.” leaving out of the door just before hearing your mother’s goodbyes, the weight of your anxiety pooling in your stomach never left but it gradually lightened, texted kazuha.

kazuha, omw !!

kazuha answers just as fast, huh?

wait is it because of “😡💀☹️”?

yes :’(

okay, ill see you there

what? you thought as you hesrd loud panting and footsteps coming your way. his silver hair sticking to his forehead, “oh! name, there you are. lets go to my house.” he was hunched over kind of like a pretzel, breaking in a sweat.

“kazuha???” you said, confused. your eyebrows knitted together.

walking towards to the porch where you sat, standing up straight. the silver haired boy was lending you a hand, “c’mere, you can tell me everything about your mom. as well as, it’s a friday, you can tell her you’ll sleep over too. i know she hates boys hanging with you but-” he lifted his hair. “with this i can pass off as a girl.”

you laughed, a bit of your anxiety disappearing. beunknownst to you, kazuha smiled a little, happy to see that he helped you to cheer up. you cant really disagree with him not when he’s looking at you with puppy eyes. really, the archons didnt disappoint with his features. “okay.” you replied, taking his hand.

“so, your mom said malicious words to you again?” kazuha said. the both of you sat in his living room, under the blanket and pillow fort he made. as the yellow blanket “ceiling” was falling, you sniffled, “yes..”

he grabbed your hands, looking directly into your eyes. “i love your family, name. but, she’s wrong. even though, you do struggle academically—”

“hey!” you interrupted, yanking his hands away from you. he apologizes instantly,

“im sorry but let me finish.”

you paused, moving your finger in a circle, signaling him to get to the point.

“thank you. you are much more than your grades, name. you’re like a star amongst the skies. every star is different, i just know you would excel at your dreams just as easy as this.” he snapped his fingers.

you started to chuckle a little as kazuha shot you a look saying that he could obviously snap his fingers and to stop laughing.

you covered your mouth.

well, he tried. he snapped again but only made a really sad and disappointing friction sound between his index and his thumb. similar to when you use a lighter but you have to ignite it five times before it works. he gets flustered, “you get what i mean right?”

you exhaled a laugh, your face was a little red from laughing and being flustered at once. “yeah, i do.”

flashback ended

you slapped his shoulder playfully, nearly erupting in giggles, “kazuha?”

“yeah?” he turned to look at you. huh? in this lighting, kazuha is kind of… no, you can’t have a crush on him again. it wouldnt end well and plus, he mentioned that he likes someone. actually, you overheard it when kazuha was talking to beidou and ningguang.

“kazuha, if you really like them, you would confess.” beidou? you think it was beidou’s voice, it was slightly more deep.

“no, i dont want to ruin our friendship. besides, i dont think they like me that way too. im content just being with them.” kazuha’s voice for sure. it was gentle and soft… usually. but his voice is filled to the brim with anxiety.

a more feminine voice replied, comforting kazuha. you assumed it was ningguang. “kaedehara, ive seen the way they look at you.”

“theyre probably looking at someone else.”

“ok, bro.”

“name?” kazuha called your name at least five times but yet you were staring off the distance. made him feel kind of self conscious. did they notice my hair is fading out? he tapped on your shoulder, “name??”

“oh sorry. do you think scaramouche and childe explored each other’s bodies?”

kazuha coughed loudly, his sunkissed face exploded in hues of reds, “what makes you say that?”

“its the way childe treats scaramouche like he’s worthy and how scaramouche looks at childe. like scaramouche’s eyes softens and everything.”

“really?” kazuha asked, subconsciously leaning closer to you.

you scrunched up your nose, “yeah?” noticing how close kazuha was and how soft his hair looks, how his eyes seems to glimmer in the afternoon sunlight and—

oh.

oh shit.

you pulled a little bit back, “doesn’t the weather seem nice today?”

weak excuse…

kazuha turned away from you, “youre right. usually it would be cloudy today.”

“yeah!”

“yeah.”

[it-feelslikespring]

tinted glasses! — park sunghoon x f!reader

PAIRING -> ex!park sunghoon x f!reader, enhypen x f!reader (platonic)

SYNOPSIS -> after being falsely accused of cheating on your boyfriend park sunghoon and bullying his childhood best friend, you're promptly dropped by everyone you know. failing to clear your name, you resigned yourself to a life of loneliness until your graduation. it isn’t until two years later that your name is finally cleared. filled with remorse, your old friends try their best to reconnect and make things right— only to realize you weren’t the same person you were two years ago.

(aka: in which the enhypen boys try their best to become your friend again, especially a certain someone who still harbors lingering feelings towards you.)

GENRE -> smau!, non-idol au, exes-to-lovers (sunghoon), friends -> strangers -> friends (enhypen), college!au, pining (mutual/unrequited), fluff, crack, angst.

WARNINGS! -> slight bullying, profanity, manipulation, the boys are a bit mean in the beginning lolol, lowercase intended, possible redemption?

FEATURING -> enhypen, txt, haechan of nct dream, wonyoung from ive, karina from aespa, yunjin from le sserafim, and more.

PLAYLIST -> stereotype - stayc // we don't talk together - heize, giriboy // fine - taeyeon // freaky - itzy // ditto - newjeans

|| ROSE NOTES! -> hiii! it's my first smau, so i hope everyone enjoys this! please bear with me as i update and i would like to say, my writing does not reflect who the idols are in real life! this is a work of fiction. thank you!

note: this is a college au! so for reference, i'll list down what year everyone is in! this is so no one gets confused by the timeline and honestly makes it easier lolol

this will have some time-skips + flashbacks so for the past, ignore the profile pics bc im too lazy to change them lolol

freshman: jungwon, riki, wonyoung.

sophomore: dongpyo, sunoo

junior: [name], sunghoon, jake, jay, chae.

senior: heeseung, karina, donghyuck, yunjin

--

directory!

the simps | it boys (and girl)

one -- new year, new me?? [coming soon!]

two -- uh oh [coming soon!]

three -- something’s sus 🤨 [coming soon!]

|| taglist! (open): @aki1e @blossomnct @one16core @sserafimez @kwnshi @wen-yo @bwljules @abdiitcryy @hiqhkey @pshchives @sunshine-skz @hibuki-chan @blu3ming-hoon

[victor-aguilar]

Okay i came here to ask your fave moments in the dn musical but then I saw you have a dn theatre au?? Pls tell me EVERYTHING (and also your fave dntm moments)

OMG HI I LOVE YOUR BLOG IS SOOO COOL ALSO OMG TY YEAH!! You're actually the first person to ask me abt dntm, which is one of my favourite things to talk abt alshslsj.

Favourite DNTM scene has gotta be mortals and fools i think. stalemate and twta close seconds... just !!! the way misa is so sure of herself and kira's love and how sure she is of it being reciprocated... and rem's pleading to try and convince misa love is nothing but bad. and ughhh ALL WHILE??? ALL WHILE SHE HERSELF FALLS FOR MISA??? OBSESSED.

i mean i could go on abt everything but i haven't watched the musical in full, so really all i know is the songs and im this obsessed yikes

also my standard reminder to you all LISTEN TO DEAN JOHN WILSONS THE WAY THINGS ARE okie ty

now to actually answer your question sksjdkslj

MY AU!!! THANK YOU FOR ASKING!! TYTYTYTYSMMM

SO BASICALLY It's this au, where L, light and misa are best friends in their freshman year. misa is the most popular girl in school, she's basically a princess and everyone worships her. Light, her boyfriend, is the most popular guy in school as well the smartest. everyone wants to be his friend, or go out with him, or be him. as for him being the smartest, it's kinda true. he has this academic rival, l lawliet. they tie in everything. they have this very heated competition to who is the best at everything. all the other students think they despise each other, but that's actually far from the truth. they're best friends!! they have been since they five actually. they just both let their egos get the best of them. misa is just as part of the group as the other two btw!!!

so, the three are cast as the leads every year in the musical. they have been every year, this was how it worked, no one else seemed to have a problem with it either, so it went unchanged. misa and light were usually the romantic leads, and l would be the other male lead, like for example 7th grade, they were light/jack, misa/kath and l/davey in newsies! anyway, this year however, they find out, (to the boys horror) l and Light were cast as the romantic leads this time. anyway, this leads to painful revelations, healthy communication, unhealthy secrets and suppression and melodrama!!!

agjjddjk that's the main summary of it least. the fic will progress over the course of the year, with occasional flashback chapters bc their backstory in this au is probably my favourite part. there are many things still in development rn, like what to name the fic, and what their school musical should be, anyway yeah!! chapter 1 should be out soon, it's the first day of school :) yeah, tysm for listening!!! and asking ^_^

[agoosewithinternet]

So I’ve made a Ace Attorney oc :)

Her name is Cassandra. I haven’t picked a last name for her yet though.

She’s kinda an assistant to Athena.

She is able to see vision of past events. These visions come as nightmare to her. She hates these nightmares so she started talking medication to limit her dreams. Though eventually she gets control of her ability and stops taking the medication.

*im acting like she an actual character so that’s why I’m talking about games and stuff*

First appearance:

(Unnamed case): Her aunt gets murdered by her ex husband. Cassandra was the first to find the body and testifys about what she saw. Though she gets too freaked out and faints. After waiting up she helps Athena to wrap up the case.

Turnabout deja vu: Cassandra confess to killing her mother 7 years ago. She did this because she got a vision which made she think that she did it. Athena defends her and manages to prove her innocence

~next game~

(Unnamed case):Phoenix goes to speak at Ivy university. But when someone dies he gets framed. Athena and Cassandra have to prove his innocence

Photos/Bios:

(Untiled case #1)

Bio: She’s the niece of the victim. She’s also the first one to have found the body. Now she’s helping solve this case. She claims to have nightmares of past events. I believe but will other people?

Turnabout Deja vu:

(She looks the same)

Flashback (only in a cutscene)

Bio: my client for this case. She can see past events from her nightmares. She confess to her mothers murder but I really don’t believe she did it.

(Untiled case #2)

Bio: she’s a college freshman at Ivy university. She’s helping me with this case. I got her cleared of murder a little over a year ago. She claims that she own Wright something.

In the first “game” she’s 18 and in the second she’s 19

[toasterness]

I'm subbing for a high school math class for "under-performing" students and I can tell you that most of them aren't living up to their potential due to them being LITTLE FUCKERS.

God, if forgotten how terrible some kids can be. Like, the ADHD kids i totally understand, but the ones that are just being deliberately obstinant drive me crazy.

And then there are the "troubled" youth who I can't do anything about and I just want hug them.

This is why I could never be a real teacher.

[theorderoffallenstars]

@dustynicole this has 2013 energy

[ace-of-gay]

Fools be shamed

Part 1 of when help creates one hell of a comeback

Word count: 909 words

Warnings: angst, mentions of murder, abuse, break ins, blood, knife, flashbacks, trauma, manipulation etc. Reader gets called whore as an insult.

Im being 100% serious if any of this is a trigger for you in any way dont read it, the warning is there for a reason, you are responsible for your media consumption especially when theres a warning.

No gender, skin color, weight or height implied or written

Edited to the best of my ability

Pt.2 series master.

《~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~♡~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~》

missed call*

*missed call*

>[Sarah please]

*missed call*

>[Please, he’s here, Alec is here]

>[I don’t know how he found me but he’s here]

<[I’m here, oh god what’s happened?]

<[are you okay?]

>[ I’m okay right now just shaken up, Alec found me]

>[my tires are slashed so i went inside to call a tow truck and he came running up, i got inside and locked my door but he’s pounding on it and yelling]

<[ I’m on my way, I’m calling Sam, stay hidden I’ve got the spare key]

<[ you’re going to be okay]

A very familiar rush of panic fills your body, the memory of leaving and the fear of terrible events happening over again, he’s ruthless, you’ve watched him murder people who got in his way and you know he will do so to you without any second thought if you posed any threat to his future, especially now as he’s taken a lead position in hydra.

Silencing your phone you pull out the only pocket knife you have near you, dull but serrated it’ll do the job if needed.

Tucking your knees to your chest and your eyes clenched shut, there is no space for breathing in this moment your bedroom door locked and yourself tucked in the back of the walk in closet; you can clear as day hear the boards of the doorframe splintering, just like they had the night you left seven months ago and by the grace of any god there may be, you aren’t going back.

He’s in, the door slams open and you can hear his boots thud through the apartment. Going to the farthest points, turning your home upside-down in attempts to find you, glass or maybe porcelain shattering, things being thrown before everything goes silent.

"You cant hide forever you whore, I’m here now, might as well give up the fight" slow meticulous steps rounding closer to your room

Your bedroom door busting at the hinges and falling to the floor.

*hurry up Sarah please*

It was just seconds into the room and he found you beneath a pile of blankets and discarded clothes in the back of your closet.

His grip on your wrist pulling you out of the closet and throwing you on the floor, the knife tumbling out of reach when you go to catch yourself; looming over you, his arms flailing, urging your body to flinch, his voice loud as ever but the rushing in your ears making his shouts sound like nothing.

The rushing canceling out the screeching of tires skidding to a halt outside, followed by two more vehicles, all they had to do was follow the sound of the shouting, surely a neighbor has called the police by now, three more sets of boots come trudging in but instead of hearing them this time you could feel them.

He must have brought accomplices; by than your mind had completely fogged over, with at least two possibly more people to ring out the dirty work, curling in on yourself for just seconds.

High school sweethearts turned tart as you said, he never talked about his family, never talked about his home, you had absolutely no idea it was superficial. at most you assumed he had a bad home life and that’s not terribly far off from the truth it just wasn't the entire picture.

Graduating at the top of your class together he took your heart and made it his, after four years of being together starting from your freshman year becoming an independent adult in what you thought was a successful relationship felt like being on top of the world you moved in with him when he got his first apartment and just a few months later had you wrapped around his finger, you were blindsided, convinced you’d be going to your dream college to pursue your dream, that was far from what he had planned.

You moved to a dark part of Rochester, crime ridden streets kept you scared and under his wing of false safety.

The day he came home his boots covered in blood is the day you realized you’d fallen into a mess of a lie.

That was the day he first laid hands on you, that night your blood joined the stains on his boots and he forced you to wash it off before the morning.

From than on he made it impossible for you to do anything without his permission, you lost all contact with friends and family, he put controls on your phone and restricted everything, you never got to go to college and barely got to have a job.

You were to keep your mouth shut and your eyes down, three years in his abuse and control, lying to several medical professionals when injuries were too bad to fix at home or cover with make-up you finally gained enough hope and strength to plan your escape, an escape that would actually work instead of you getting everything taken away and trapped under his suffocating grasp once more or so you thought. This right now, like the several times hed done before felt like going right back to the beginning, bashing yourself for being a hopeless romantic in highschool was useless, it became internally destroying and berating yourself for being weak, not knowing how to fight back, not having a chance in the world to be free.

He always comes back.

《~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~♡~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~》

This is part one of a series with at least four parts, theres no set schedule so if you like me to create a taglist i will do my best to do so.

[bbrissonn]

𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 | ʙʀᴇɴᴅᴀɴ ʙʀɪꜱꜱᴏɴ

info: inspired by the song memories by conan gray

summary: y/n and brendan go trough lots of stages of their relationship in the span of 2 months. 

requested: yes | no

disclaimer: not proofread. im sorry if this make you cry...

warnings: A couple of swear words.

pairing: brendan brisson x fem!reader

wc: 4.9k (including the lyrics), 4.7k (not including the lyrics)

important: italics are flashbacks & bold italics are lyrics 

taglist: @ethancale @erikports @owenpowpow @hockey-lover-22 @hockey-lover86 @hugheshugs @thomasbbordeleau @flyersislescanes @1-800-iluvhockey @nickblankenburg @idblowbordeleau @oskarlidblom @mattyybenierss

one, two

you and brendan had started dating in january of your freshman year of college, meeting in your first ever class and having to seat next to each other. brendan being brendan, hadn’t listened to a thing the teacher had said, and of course didn’t take notes. so at the end of class he asked you for them. 

“hey, um, i didn’t really take notes during class. so i was wondering if you could like send me what you wrote down?” he asked as you started to pack your bags. you looked over to him and almost fell off your chair. you had noticed how cute he looked when he sat down next to you, but you didn’t look at him fully, not wanting to creep him out. 

“sure. here, gimme your phone, i’ll give you my number.” you answered with a smile as you placed your bag down in front of you. he handed you his phone after a couple of seconds, a new contact page opened for you. you quickly typed your number when he spoke again. 

“i’m brendan, by the way.” 

“y/n.” you said as you handed him his phone back, you sent him a smile before getting up and leaving the room. in the mean time, brendan’s eyes were looking at the new contact in his phone. 

cute girl from math class ;)

~

“you wanna go get coffee one day?” 

“bren, we get coffee everyday.” you said in a ‘duh’ tone making him roll his eyes. it had been almost 2 months since your first class, and since then, the two of you had spent most of your free time together. you’d help him with all of his classes, some of which he was failing, and for the others, you just had to convince him to do his homework. 

it was crazy to you how quickly you got along, just in the span of a week, you had learned so much about him. how he played hockey, where he had previously played at, his old school, where he was from, how he took his coffee, his favorite movie. he had talked a bit about his family but you could tell he didn’t feel fully comfortable in the moment to tell you. you had also meet all of his teammates, whom you quickly became friends with as well.

“no, i know that. i mean like as a date… if you want.” he explained, suddenly becoming shy, something you had never seen before. his cheeks were slightly darker as he looked at his book.

“sure.” 

~

“y/n! can you help me with my tie?” brendan yelled from behind the bathroom door of his bedroom. you were going out to a fancy dinner with his family, whom you had been staying with for the last couple of days. brendan had convinced you come visit him in LA for 2 weeks during the summer. although it didn’t take much for you to say yes since you missed your boyfriend a lot. 

“sure. just gimme a minutes alright?” you yelled back as you finished slipping your dress on. 

“i’m coming in!” classic brendan. 

“goodness gracious.” he said once he saw you, making you turn around to look at him. 

“what? does it look bad? do i have something on my face?” you asked, slightly freaking out. 

“no, no, no. you look– woah. you look amazing, y/n/n.” he said, his eyes looking at you in pure admiration. his words making you blush slightly as he walked over to you, his hands landing on your hips. 

“don’t look too bad yourself.” 

“i’d look better with a tie.” he said holding up the piece of fabric making you laugh a bit.

only, not all good things last forever. 

it’s been a couple months

that’s just about enough time

for me to stop crying when i look at all the pictures

now i kinda smile, i haven’t felt that in a while

“i know we said we’d talk about it later. b-but we need to, y/n. we can’t just ignore it forever.” brendan said as he looked over at you. he had arrived back from beijing barely a week ago, he could’ve been talking about the way his experience ended, but you knew it wasn’t about it.

it was about him signing at the end of the season.

“bren–” 

“i just wanna know if you wanna do this whole long distance relationship or not, y/n.” 

“i-i don’t know.” 

“well then figure out what you want, y/n.” you were shocked by his tone, it was one that you’d heard multiple times when he’d argue over his dad, but he had never used it towards you. 

“excuse you?” 

“i said figure it out, y/n. i want– i need to know if you’re up for the distance or not.” he said, using the same tone as before. 

“i don’t know, brendan. plus, why does it matter, the season is ending in 2 months, i still have time to think!” 

“that’s the thing, y/n! the season’s ending in 2 months, and if you don’t wanna do long distance then i’m not gonna stick around.” he said, making you look at him in shock. 

“you don’t want to stick around?” you repeat to yourself as your eyes stare into his. 

“i don’t wanna stick around for 2 months if we're just gonna break up. i don’t wanna put efforts into someone who’s just gonna dump me because of my career.” he spoke, his voice breaking a bit. every part of him hoped that you’d say you could handle it, that you’d be willing to try. 

but you didn’t. you stayed quiet, your eyes not even looking at him. he could feel his heart slowly breaking as every second of silence passed. after a solid 3 minutes of silence, he nodded a bit before getting up from your bed. 

“i’ll have one of the boys bring you your things.” he mumbled as he slipped off the matching bracelet you had gotten for your one year, barely one month ago. and the next second he was gone.

that was 2 months ago, the boys were leaving for the frozen four soon and you were proud of them, you truly were. you wanted to hug all of them and tell them how proud you were, but you couldn’t. after brendan left, you cut all for of communication with all of them. the only one you had seen was bordy who had came to drop your things off and pick up brendan’s. 

when the two of you first broke up, you wanted to delete every picture you had of him, anything that reminded you of him. but you couldn’t do it, you couldn’t just let go of him that easily, even if he had. you saw all of the boy’s snap stories of them partying, seeing brendan talking to some blond girl in the back, or his tongue shoved down on of their throat. the first time you noticed it, it completely broke your heart. it was barely a week after the two of you had broken up. 

every time you’d see a pic of the two of you, you’d be reminded of how much fun you had with him, how he made you feel, how he made you the happiest you had been in years. those thoughts only made you realize how badly you had messed up, you wanted to do long distance, but you froze in the moment, something you deeply regretted. 

only now, you didn't feel that bad anymore. you had grown a lot as a person since the two of you broke up. instead of crying when you’d scroll on your phone and saw a picture of the two of you, you’d smile, something you never thought you’d be able to do while looking at them.

it’s late, i head the door

bell ringing and it’s pouring

i open up that door, see your brown eyes at the entrance

you just wanna talk and

i can’t turn away a wet dog

it was almost one a.m when you heard someone knocking on the door of your apartment. it was friday night, well saturday morning now, you had been awake all night studying for your upcoming finals, cup of coffee in front of the mess of books on your table. with all of the energy you had left in you, you pushed yourself up and walked over to your door. not feeling like looking through your peephole, you opened the door directly and were met with a very intoxicated brendan.

“brendan?” you asked confused, this was the first time you had seen him since you broke up. 

“y/n/n! baby, i missed you!” he slurred, giving you a smile. his clothes were all wet and that’s when you remembered it was pouring rain outside. 

“bren, what’re you doing here?” 

“i came to see you, babe. i missed your cute little face.” 

“how’d you get here?” 

“i walked! the boys and i were out at some bar, i don’t really know which one, and then they started talking about you and that’s when i remembered i hadn’t seen you all day, and that i’ve been kiss deprived for the past 24 hours.” he said as he leaned on your doorframe. he was clearly way too drunk to know what he was doing, but you were glad to know he hadn’t driven to you. 

“you walked in the rain?” 

“well, yeah. a boy gotta do what he gotta do to see his girlfriend.” 

“i’ll call one of the boys, come in.” you said, trying your hardest to ignore his last statement. you fully opened your door and brendan was quick to walk in, sitting down on the couch like he had millions of times before. you went into your kitchen to get him a cup of water, when you felt a pair of arm wrap around your waist. 

“why haven’t you kissed me yet? i told you i came here exactly for that.” he pouted, only making your heart ache even more. you quickly moved out of his grasp and handed him the cup. 

“bren, i’m not your girlfriend.” 

“yeah you are, i know what my girlfriend looks like and where she lives. i’m not that dumb.” 

“no– we broke up 2 months ago, brendan.” you explained in a small voice, and suddenly his smile dropped.

“right. forgot about that. honestly, i think that was very selfish of you, breaking up with me because of my career, one you said you’d always support me in–” 

“you broke up with me, brendan. not the other way around.” you quickly cut him off, you weren’t gonna let him come in here and act like the victim when he was the one to blame.

“yeah, i broke up with you, but i did that because you would’ve broken up with me anyways when i signed.” he said, his voice full of anger. 

“you didn’t even give me a choice, brendan!” 

“but i did! i asked you if you wanted to do the distance or not and you said no.” 

“i didn’t fucking say no! you barely left me any time to think and then you just left saying one of the guys would bring me my things!” 

“clearly if you had to think about it then you probably didn’t, y/n! if you really loved me you would’ve said yes before i even finished asking you.” he said making your jaw drop. you didn’t care he said, but there was a line, and when he accused you of never loving him, that’s when he crossed it. it took everything in you to not started hitting his chest in anger and kick him out. 

“don’t you even dare say that i never loved you, brendan.” 

“why not? it’s the truth!” that was your breaking point. he knew he was drunk, but we all know drunk words are sober thoughts. you didn’t look at him as you walked past him and into his bedroom. you quickly texted bordy asking if he could come pick brendan up from your apartment. thomas was clearly shocked when he saw that he had a notification from you, but he quickly agreed when he read your message. 

a couple of minutes later, you heard a knock on the door again, but you stayed in your room. you heard brendan’s voice talking with bordy’s, and a couple of seconds later they were gone. thomas then texted you a couple of minutes later thanking you for letting him know where the boy was, and telling you he had made it in his bed safe, even thought he knew you probably didn’t care. he also made sure to tell you he hoped you could talk again soon, but he knew it probably wouldn’t happen.

the next morning you woke up with tones of texts from brendan apologizing for randomly showing up at your place while being drunk and apologizing for any dumb things he might’ve said. but you didn’t answer.

but please don’t ruin this for me

please don’t make it harder than it already is

i’m trying to get over this

your hand quickly flew to your mouth when you saw the denver player push the puck into the net in overtime and all of the denver bench clearing into the ice. you truly thought that the boys would be winning the national this year, it was the reason most of them came back. your heart was a little bit happy for one of brendan’s friends, who has also became your friend the previous summer since he won, but it mostly ached for all of your old friends.

you wanted to be there in person to give them a big hug, or at least just send them all a sweet message, telling them how proud you were of them and how amazing they had done this year. but you knew you shouldn’t, it’d just make things even more complicated in your heart. 

but brendan didn’t feel the same way, he wanted to see you, you were the only person he wanted to see ever since that puck crossed the line. so the first thing he did when they got back to michigan was go over to your place. he didn’t even realize he had been driving to yours until he had parked, it had just become a habit of his to go see you after coming back from a road trip. 

only this wasn’t just him coming back from a road trip, this was him coming back from one of the biggest heartbreaks in his hockey career. this was him coming to say goodbye, knowing he’d be signing some type of contract soon. he hesitated for a while before getting out of his car and walking into your building. 

now i can’t say goodbye if you stay here the whole night

you see, it’s hard to find an end to something that you keep beginning

over and over again

i promise that the ending always stays the same

so there’s no good reason in make believing that we could ever exist again

your eyes widened when you looked through your peephole and saw your ex-boyfriend standing behind the door. you hesitated a bit before opening the door a bit, brendan’s eyes going wide as well. the two of you stared at each other for a couple of seconds before brendan cleared his throat. 

“hey.” 

“hi.” you answer was quick and short, something you often did when you were nervous, and something that briss quickly fell in love with.

“do you think we could talk? just for a couple of minutes.” 

“i– um, sure. yeah, come in.” you stuttered before fully opening the door and letting him in, just like you had done almost a week ago. only this time it was in totally different circumstances. the two of you sat on opposite ends of your couch as you lowered the volume of the tv, which was playing a random sport channel. 

“did you watch the game?” 

“are you signing?” 

“yeah.” 

“yeah.” 

you both asked and answered at the same time, making you smile a bit while looking at your lap. a little chuckle left brendan’s lip before the room became dead silent. 

“i’m proud of you, you know.” you told him after clearing your throat a bit. your words made him look over to where you were sitting while you kept staring at your lap. 

“i’m gonna miss you.” he said, his voice breaking a bit. this time, it was your turn to look at him. when your eyes locked, both of your hearts skipped a couple of beats, none of you wanting to break it, smiles on your faces. only yours quickly went away when the memories of your last night as a couple came back to you. you broke eye contact and you were back to staring at your lap, your actions making brendan sigh a bit. 

“i– i’m sorry. i’m sorry for showing up at your place while i was drunk and saying i don’t know what to you. gosh, i’m so sorry, y/n. and– and i’m sorry for the way i reacted that night. i’m sorry i broke up with you before you gave me an answer– i– fuck, i’m so sorry for everything, y/n/n.”

“i would’ve said yes, you know. if you would’ve given me a little more time to clear everything in my head, i would’ve said yes.” you told him in a small voice, making his heart break a little. he had broken up with you over nothing.

“that’s great– y/n, that’s amazing! i’m not leaving until monday, that means we have like 4 days for everything to go back to how it was before–” 

“no.” you quickly cut him off, not wanting to hear the rest of what he had to say. this one simple word making his heart break even more than before.

“wha– but you just said–” 

“i would’ve said yes 2 months ago, brendan, not today.” now that, that completely cut his heart in a million pieces. 

“we can still try–”

“no we can’t,b. we can’t, alright? it’s been 2 months, people change, people’s desires change. it’s not gonna happen.” 

“it’s been 2 months, y/n. how much has change in 2 fucking months?” he asked, getting angry, but he wasn’t angry at you, he was angry at himself. 

“clearly you did!” 

“what?” 

“look, all i want is to be able to move on from this. you have! so i don’t understand why you’re saying all of this right now.” 

“trust me i haven’t moved on from you, y/n. god, it’ll probably take me years before i can fully move on from you. you think i could just forget about you in 2 months like you never mattered to me. you mean everything to me, even if you’re not mine anymore, you mean the absolute world to me.” 

“did i mean everything to you when you were shoving your tongue down other girls’ throats?” you snapped, you hadn’t meant to yell, but all of the things he was saying was making it even harder for you to just forget about everything. he stood and paced around a bit, running his hands through his hair roughly.

“i was drunk–” 

“oh you were drunk. did you fuck one of them before coming to see me and accuse me of never loving you? huh?” you yelled while standing up, your words made him stop dead in his tracks and look at you.

“i haven’t had sex with anyone since we broke up. so don’t even try to pull that card, y/n.” 

“and i’m supposed to believe you because? i know the type of person you were before we dated. always having a different girl in your bed almost every night.” 

“i was young and immature–” 

“and you’re all grown and mature now? just tell me the fucking truth brendan!” 

“the only people who have seen me naked are the boys. that’s it. did i kiss other girls? yes. did i fuck any of them? no. because that’s something that we did that meant a lot to you and i know that, so i’m not just gonna be a fucking asshole and shove my dick into the first girl i see. and honestly the fact that you think i’d do something like fucking hurts, y/n.” he said as a small tear fell from his eye at the end. you could tell your words had hurt him, but they surely didn’t hurt as much as he hurt you when he showed up drunk out of his mind. 

“yeah? well the fact that you accused me of never loving you hurts even more, brendan. and yeah, you were drunk, but those words clearly came from somewhere, and the way you said it made it sound like it’d be in your mind for a long time.” you said as tears fell from your eyes as well. you could tell that the fact that he had said those things hurt him, and it almost made you feel bad for him. 

“this is what i mean, bren. we’ve been through way too much and we’ve said so many things that we shouldn’t have said for us to be together again. getting back together is only gonna hurt us more and i don’t want that.” you added as you sat back down on your couch, more tears falling from your eyes. a small sob left brendan’s lips as he sat back down as well. 

“i don’t want this to be the end of us, y/n.” 

“i don’t either, b. but sometimes t–things just aren’t meant to be.” you stuttered through your sobs, your words completely shattering his heart.

i can’t be your friend, can’t be your lover

can’t be the reason we hold back each other from falling in love

with somebody else other than me

“you gotta let go, bren.” you whispered as the two of you stood in front of your door, hugging each other for one last time. 

“i don’t want to.” 

“you have to. vegas is waiting for you.” you smiled as more tears fell down both of your cheeks. brendan had stayed over for a couple more minutes friday, before heading home, but promising you he’d come by before he leaves for you. which lead to this moment, his suitcase waiting in bordy’s car who was waiting in the parking lot. 

“they can wait longer.” 

“your plane isn’t gonna longer thought.” 

“honestly might just miss it on purpose so i can stay with you.” he whispered back, making you shake your head. 

“i’m not–” 

“letting me miss it, i know. it’s just hard.” 

“i know.” 

“like, as soon as i walk out we’re over. like forever over.” he sobbed, the two of you had decided it’d be better if you didn’t even stay friends. well, it was mostly you telling brendan it’d be better than to keep in touch too much. but you agreed to still talk to him every once in a while, just not every week like you did with your friends back home. 

it truly hurt you to think that as soon as he walked out, it’d be done for good. your history, your relationship, everything you and brendan had built over the last year would be done. the book of you and him would be over, this was the last chapter, the last page, the last line, the last everything.

you hadn’t realized how long the two of you had been standing there until bords knocked on the door, making the two of you jump a bit. you slowly opened it and he gave the two of you a sad smile. 

“we have to go, briss.” he said softly, making brendan nob before bordy walked out and closed the door, but made sure to stay close in case brendan decided to drag out the moment.

“hey, it’s gonna be okay, alright? if you really need someone to talk to, i’m always here for you.” you said as brendan leaned his forehead on yours. 

“y–you don’t have to say it back, but i love you, y/n/n. i love you so much.” 

“i love you, brenny.” you said and the next thing you knew brendan pressed a small kiss to your lips, before quickly walking out of your door, but he quickly came back in. 

“i’m sorry–” 

“it’s okay. now go become mr.hotshot in vegas.” you said with a sad smile as more tears fell from your eyes. 

“thank you, for everything, y/n.” 

“‘t was a pleasure, brendan.” 

“until we meet again?” 

“until we meet again.” 

and the next moment he was gone. 

since you came

i guess i’ll let you stay

take as long as it takes

to grab your books and your coat

and that one good cologne

that you bought when we were fighting 

‘cause it’s still on my clothes everything that i own

and it makes me feel like dying

i was barely just surviving

when brendan’s season was over, he quickly came back to michigan to grab the rest of his things, some of which were still at your place. your plan to not be friends was quickly forgotten as soon as he got onto that plane to vegas. and weirdly enough, it made it easier for you to move on, you talked everyday, well, it was mostly brendan saying stupid things and annoying you everday, but you loved it. 

so when he asked you if he could come get his stuff, you didn’t hesitate to let him come. you let him stay as long as he needed to. him leaving michigan was the end of your romantic relationship, but him getting his stuff was gonna let the two of you move one from each other for good. and as much as it hurt the two of you, it was much needed. 

“you wanna know why i bought this?” he asked you as he held your favorite cologne of his, making you turn around to look at him. you had decided to help him get his stuff, knowing he’d probably just stop in the middle of it if you didn’t help. 

“no, but i have a feeling you’re gonna tell me anyway.” you said as you sat down on your bed, him sitting next to you. 

“when we go into that stupid fight because i didn’t want to tell the guys we were together, i went to the shop to get you a perfum, ‘cause you had run out of yours and you were too lazy to go get a new one. don’t scoff, you know it’s the truth. anyways, i walked in and then i saw this really cool looking one so i sniffed it and it smelt good, but not amazing so i looked at more and then just ended up buying myself things and completely forgot that i came in for you.” he said, letting out a laugh at the end. you liked that there was no tension between the two of you, it was just like before the two of you had started dating, and you loved it.

“i’m not surprised.” you laughed as he sent you a smile before handing it to you, making your brows knit in confusion. 

“keep it. as a very late sorry for being an asshole and as a souvenir. plus, i know it’s your favorite.” 

“you sure?” 

“yeah, i have another.” he said as you fully grabbed it, and that’s when he realized you were still wearing the matching bracelet, which made him grab your wirst. 

“you still wear it?” 

“yeah, well i didn’t at first. but i’ve been wearing it for a while now. does it make you uncomfortable?” you quickly added, not wanting him to feel such a way because of you.

“did you keep mine?” he quickly asked, you nodded a bit before getting up and opening the drawer of your nightstand and pulling the bracelet out. he smiled brightly as you gave it to him, and he was quick to slip it on. 

“now they’re friendship bracelets!” he said with a smile, making you smile a bit. 

“get back to packing, dumbass.” you joked, making him let out a gasp. 

“you already want to get rid of me? i’ve been here for like 10 minutes, ouch, y/n.” he dramatically said, making you roll your eyes before throwing a pillow at him, and soon, the two of you were in a full on pillow fight. 

you knew your relationship with brendan would never be the same as it once was, but you liked that you at least still had a relationship. the distance help the two of you move on very easily, but you both knew you’d never have something like the two of had. most of the people you guys would talk to, wouldn’t like the fact that you guys were still friends. some girls in vegas would even go as far as making him pick between having a relationship with her or being your friend. and the choice was always obvious to brendan. 

you’ll always be his number one and he’ll always be your number one.

[lukeevangelista]

surprise baby - matt boldy

baby matt 🥺 ilhsm

anyways

no warnings, just fluff / not edited

———————————————————————————-

*i typically dont do flashbacks, but we needed one here to give a little bit of details.*

“i miss you so much. i miss you so much that it physically hurts me.”

“i know, ill see you soon, hopefully.” you frowned as you hung up the phone abruptly so you didn’t give away that you were currently in an uber on your way to kevin fiala and his wife’s home. you had reached out to jessica on Instagram, hoping she would be able to help you surprise your sweet boyfriend. you were going to stay the night with them and then one of them drop you off at jordans house, where he would help you finish the plan.

you knew matt had been having a rough time with you going back to michigan for school.

you had met him through johnny beecher, you going to the hughes lake house with him one time when the boys had met there for the summer before you returned home for the summer. you lived in michigan, but during the school year, you lived on campus to get the full college experience. you grew up a few houses down from the hughes household, so you actually knew them quite well as well.

(*flashback to the summer of 2020*)

“c’mon!” johnny whined, “it’ll be fun!” he continued, “plus some of my friends are single and you’re hot.” he shrugged causing you to scoff, “it’s a great chance for someone to wife you up!”

“i mean he’s not wrong,” his girlfriend walked up, her deciding to go with you guys, “there’s one there that is fixing to play in minnesota that i think you would like.” she grinned as she pulled your hair back, starting the braid you had asked her to do since it was going to be hot outside. originally, this had not been in your plans at all. your original plans were to go on a run and then hang out by the pool, with no one to bug you.

paula and johnny were like siblings to you. and that’s why paula didn’t panic anytime johnny called you hot or tried to boost your confidence. when it came to you guys, nothing like that ever bothered her because she knew you would never attempt anything.

you just weren’t that type.

“i mean maybe.” you sighed as she kept pulling pieces into the braid, “i dont know any of them.”

“that’s the whole point. look, you know the hughes and they’ll be there. and you know cam! hell be there too.” she kept going on, johnny joining in until you finally agreed to go.

“whatever.” you said, just to shut them up, “i’ll go.”

“thank god.” he laughed, “i’d hate to tell them you decided to bail after i told them you would.”

“you what?”

“nothing!”

——

“so glad you could make.” jack grinned as he pulled you into a tight hug, rocking from side to side.

“stop hogging her!” quinn laughed, his smile wide as he pushed jack off of you, pulling you into a hug next, “missed you. you need to come visit me in vancouver!”

“one day quinner.” you softly smiled as you pulled back. your eyes darted to luke who was sitting beside some of the boys he would be playing with at michigan, them being the freshman fixing to go in. quinn guided you through the house, you obviously recognizing some of the boys, like brendan since he had been around for as long as you could remember.

“sup baby.” brendan grinned at you as he walked up, bringing some of the others with him as he introduced them.


“still too young brisson.” you joked, knowing the two of you were around the same age.

he let out a cackle before he wrapped his arms around you, “it’s good to see you.”

“i see california has been treating you well.” you smiled, him nodding.

“oh yeah it has. its been the best summer, but im ready to get the season started here!”

you nodded as johnny walked up, pulling you away despite brendan’s protests, claiming he was talking to you first.

johnny let out a laugh as he drug you outside, seeing a bunch of shirtless boys and a couple of girls sitting by the pool.

your eyes darted towards johnny, who was now standing beside you, “are you okay?” he asked, “i dont want you to feel uncomfortable.”

“i’m fine.” you offered a fake smile, sucking in a deep breath, “it’s just weird seeing this many people that i dont know. i’m usually the one throwing the party so i usually know everyone.”


“i know, but you’ll be okay.” he patted your shoulder as he tugged off his shirt before cannon balling into the pool, causing the water to ripple and splash over the edge.

you sat down on one of the lawn chairs, placing your bag next to you before grabbing the book and the sunglasses you had brought out of it. you opened it, turning to the page that you had stopped on the night before.

if you had it your way, you definitely wouldn’t be reading while at a party of this caliber, but if you were going to be begged to come, you might as well get the summer reading you had been putting off out of the way for your literature class. classes were set to return in almost two weeks and you hadn’t done anything you had been assigned from that class, including finishing this book. you teacher had been adamant about talking about it on the first day and you definitely weren’t trying to get on his bad side on the first day.

“are you really reading at a party?” you were asked as the sun was blocked away from you, droplets of water landing on your wrist.

“hey! watch the book!” you fussed, “it’s on a loan, back up!” you said as you watched the tall dirty blonde back up.

“sorry, sorry.” he raised his hands, “anyways, why?”

“does it matter to you?” you asked, cocking your eyebrow at him.

“well- uh-um..” he stuttered out.

“i’m just kidding.” you laughed, “it’s for a class and procrastinated and classes start soon.”

he nodded, “i see. well i hope you enjoy it.” he said as he walked away.

it wasn’t long he reappeared, but he was dragging a lawn chair behind him, “i figured you could use some company, even if we dont speak.” he sheepishly grinned, “i’m matt.”

“i’m y/n.”

(*end of flashback*)

“are you excited?” she asked, her turning around to see you in the back seat, kevin driving.

“so excited. it’s been since christmas since i saw him.”

“that is quite a while.” kevin hummed as he made the turn onto the street of jordans house.

you nodded, looking out the window, watching as each house flew by. you whipped out your phone, sending a dm to jordan, letting him know that you guys were close to his house and to make sure matt wasn’t around to see kevins car.

you knew matt was moping around, complaining how he missed you, considering that was what jordan had told you over the phone call you two had a couple of days ago and the call you had with matt earlier confirmed how homesick the boy truly was.

“you ready?”

“as ready as i can be.” you laughed as you walked up the stairs, jordan opening the door quietly.

“up the stairs and to the right. he was on his computer last time i checked on him.”

you nodded, following his directions. luckily for you, matt had his back turned to you, his headphones in his ears so he didn’t hear a peep, not even the door slightly squeaking. you quickly crossed over behind him, your hands covering his eyes as he ripped his headphones out of his hears, whipping around.

“what the-“ he started before he realized you were actually in front him, “hell.”

“hi baby.” you grinned as you went to wrap your arms around his waist, his going around your neck.

“oh my god, you’re here.” he whispered into your neck, breathing in your scent, “you’re really here.”

“in the flesh.” you whispered back as you slightly pulled back, getting a view of his sweet face.

“i can’t believe it.”

“well believe it because i’m here to stay.” you smiled at him.

“wait- what?” 

“you heard me. i got a job out here and i’m officially moving soon.”

“oh my god!” he squealed, picking you up as he placed his lips on yours, “so you’re going to be out here full time?” 

“i am.”

“oh my god.”

“matt if you say oh my god one more time..” you laughed.

“i just can’t believe it.”

“well believe it baby.” you said as he placed you down, you snuggling into his chest, “believe it.”

[jingabitch]

Let Love Be Enough

SUMMARY: On the day of your daughter’s wedding, you can’t avoid Taehyung.

PAIRING: ex-husband!Taehyung x reader

GENRE: angst, smut

RATING: E

WARNINGS: angst | infidelity | arguing | smut | unprotected sex | use of flashbacks im not sure about | emotional sex | crying during sex

WORD COUNT: 9.4k

A/N: i hope you guys like this!! i was pretty uncertain about posting it because it’s not really like my other work, and I wasn’t sure if i was doing the flashbacks well. Thank you to my lovely betas @taetaesbaebaepsae​ @detectivebts​ @sweetnspicy93 and @moonmintrails​, @dreamystuffers​ for the banner and @kigurumu​ and @jkeuphoriadreamland​ for encouraging me to post it!! Without them the preview wouldn’t even have made it onto Tumblr.

“You look beautiful today, baby.” You were barely holding it together at this point, blinking hard to keep the tears from falling and ruining your makeup. In all fairness to you, your baby girl was getting married. Sunmi looked resplendent in her designer dress, and the entire ceremony was amazing. No expense had been spared – after all, it wasn’t every day that Kim Taehyung’s only daughter got married.

“Thank you, mom,” Sunmi said, squeezing your hand, her own eyes looking a little glossy.

“I’m so proud of you, sweetheart, and I love you so much.”

Your heartfelt moment with your daughter was interrupted by her father knocking and entering the door. Even after all these years, Taehyung was handsome and stately, and looking at him made your heart skip a beat. The graying of his hair didn’t detract from his attractiveness, giving him a distinguished air, and the crow’s feet had the same effect.

It was really too bad he was your ex-husband.

The thought made your expression tighten, although in the name of maintaining a cordial fa��ade, you kept the smile on your face. “Taehyung,” you greeted coolly. “I’ll give you two some privacy,” you said, turning back to Sunmi and squeezing her shoulder. Normally, you’d have kissed her on the cheek but you didn’t want to mess up her makeup or yours.

“Y/n, please stay.” Taehyung tried to stop you, but you were insistent, stepping out of the room and shutting the door behind you. Leaning your back against the solid wood, you let out a gusty sigh, his words having brought back memories you’d really prefer to leave behind.

-----------------------------

“Y/n, please stay,” Taehyung begged, both hands grabbing yours as tears streamed down his face. You were equally determined to leave, though – the room, the country, the marriage you’d just witnessed imploding in front of your eyes.

Why, why had you thought that it would be a good idea to come surprise Taehyung on the last day of his tour? Your eyes met the gaze of the other woman in his hotel room over his head. She was perched on the bed, watching with rapt attention at what was happening, and you could just hear the thoughts going through her head.

So this is what Kim Taehyung’s fabled wife looks like, you could see it written all over her face. She’s nothing compared to me.

And she was right, you knew. She was in her early twenties, perfectly made up and coiffed, wearing a tight miniskirt you could have poured yourself into ten years ago but couldn’t anymore. In the teddy you’d bought specially for tonight, you knew she could see every tiny detail of your body, even the bits you didn’t really like, like the stretch marks visible under the sheer fabric of your belly and the thighs that weren’t as firm as they’d been when you first started dating Taehyung.

“Taehyung, let go.” They were the first words you’d said to him tonight, and they just made him cling to you harder as he sobbed. You gritted your teeth and pulled your hand back. If you didn’t get out of here soon, you would burst into tears right alongside him, and you didn’t want to show him that side of you. Not anymore.

Not after he’d betrayed your trust so completely with another woman.

He shook his head frantically. “No, please, please.” You could barely make out the words, he was crying so hard. Part of you wanted to drop to your knees next to him to comfort him, pull him into your arms and rock back and forth. You’d been together for twelve years, after all, and old habits die hard.

But another glance at the hookup he’d brought back to his hotel room made up your mind. He certainly hadn’t cared about your relationship or his vows tonight, finding another girl to warm his bed. Sure, your relationship hadn’t been great for a while, and you took full ownership of your part of the blame for the state of your marriage, but you’d wanted to work on it. You’d flown to the States tonight to make it up to him, show him that you still cared, that you loved him and wanted to put in the effort to make things right.

Instead, you’d found him blowing up your marriage.

“My lawyers will contact yours.” It was the last thing you said before making your escape, the tears falling down your face the moment the door swung shut after you.

-----------------------------

“I’m sorry, Dad,” Sunmi said, taking in the dejected slant of Taehyung’s shoulders. The two of you had divorced when she was seven, and she’d never gotten the full story, but you could barely stand to be in the same room as your ex-husband. You were civil when necessary, but you avoided him as much as possible. It was such a far cry from her memories of when you two were together, when you’d been so close and happy.

“No, it’s okay.” Taehyung waved it away, forcing a smile out even though Sunmi could see that it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Today is about you, my love.” Turning to her, he pushed thoughts of his troubled relationship with you out of his mind so that he could pay his daughter the attention she deserved.

Sunmi still watched her father with concern, though, knowing how he got around you. It was a melancholy he wasn’t able to shake until hours after the fact, and it didn’t seem like it had gotten easier for either of you in the twenty years since you’d split up. Sure, you were able to put up a nice front when you couldn’t avoid each other, like at her dance recitals and graduation, but it was clear that neither of you had gotten closure from the divorce.

“Daddy…” Sunmi started, but Taehyung cut her off before she could say anything more.

“You’re so beautiful today, love. You look just like your mother.” Leaning in, he pressed a light kiss to her forehead.

“Thank you, daddy,” Sunmi said, starting to sniffle a little.

-----------------------------

From the moment Sunmi had entered this world, Taehyung had known two things: that she was the spitting image of her mother, and that he was, from that moment, irrevocably wrapped around her little finger.

He’d laughed about it with you, too – how much he loved spoiling her, how hard a time he had telling her no. Taehyung was a devoted father, had been from the start. He’d taken a year off from performing and promoting when she was born so that he could stay in Korea with his new family, especially after the difficult birth you’d had.

You both agreed that you would wait a few years before having more children. Pregnancy and childbirth had been difficult for you, and you weren’t quite ready to go through it again, especially now that you had a young daughter to look after. Still, you were equally committed to having a large family, something you’d been talking about since before marriage.

It was a shock, therefore, to find out after a year of trying for your second child that apparently it would be almost impossible for you to conceive and carry another child to term. You were devastated and so was Taehyung, and, admittedly, neither of you had handled it in the best way.

You could barely stand to look at Taehyung for months after, the guilt of not being able to give him what he wanted and the weight of your own disappointment too much for you to bear. You focused all your attention instead on the daughter you already had in a bid to avoid your husband, and you’d be the first to admit that that hadn’t been the best way to deal with things. Not when Taehyung was grieving the loss of his dream too.

With his wife slipping, it seemed, further out of reach every day, Taehyung did the only thing it felt like he could do. He threw himself into his work, which was made easier by the fact that Jungkook was away serving in the military and Namjoon’s wife had just given birth to the couple’s first child.

By the time he left for that world tour, you were barely speaking to your husband and it felt like you were roommates and acquaintances more than husband and wife. He wanted to fix it, but he didn’t know how to, and you were stubbornly resistant to any attempts to reconcile. It was frustrating, to say the least – he wanted to be there for you, but he didn’t know how to help.

-----------------------------

Taehyung, seated at the table with his family and former band members, watched wistfully as you stood up to toast the happy couple. He didn’t think he’d seen you smile so happily since before the divorce, back when things had been good between the two of you.

“Sunmi and Michael,” you started. “I want to start by congratulating you both. Today has been a beautiful day, and the love you have for each other and for everyone here today is so evident.”

“I remember when Sunmi told me that she was dating Michael – she was only a freshman in college in a foreign country, and I was excited and supportive, but at the time, I had no idea that this relationship would go so far. You have overcome so many obstacles to be together, some of which I’ve witnessed, and many, I’m sure, that I haven’t. Nevertheless, I can see that what you two share is a deep, strong love, that will withstand the test of time.

“If I may, as a mother, offer some advice – although I might not be the best person to give relationship advice,” you added wryly, to chuckles from the crowd, “I know you have the basics covered. Be slow to anger and quick to forgive and remember that you’re a team. But,” you went on, your eyes flicking to Taehyung just for a second, “marriage is difficult, and it takes work. Trust that you’ve got each other’s backs, and communicate about everything, no matter how hard it seems at the time.”

Taehyung’s gaze softened, knowing that it was an implicit apology for your role in the breakdown of your marriage. He was the one who’d ultimately blown it up, something he’d accepted a long time ago, but neither of you had acted like model spouses.

“I believe with all my heart that this is a relationship that will go the distance, and it is my honour to make the first toast to the happy couple!” You concluded, raising your glass of champagne. Everyone in the room followed suit, and you smiled again at them before sitting down.

Jimin leaned over. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Taehyung replied quietly. He was better than okay. In fact, he felt lighter than he had in years.

-----------------------------

“Are you sure this is okay?” you asked for what must have been the hundredth time today. Taehyung couldn’t quite blame you – when you’d gotten married, you’d given up your dream of a family picnic along the Han River Park. There was no way in hell Kim Taehyung wouldn’t be recognized in a public place like that, so it wasn’t feasible at all.

It wasn’t like you were giving up a whole lot – he could afford to take your whole family to resorts, safaris, you name it. Still, the little girl in you that had so many precious memories at the Han River Park with your own family and friends wanted to recreate it with your own children.

Which was why he’d made this plan for your fifth anniversary. He’d called your assistant to let her know to cancel all your appointments today and booked out the entire park so you could finally have the family picnic you’d always dreamed of. It wouldn’t be exactly the same, of course. The rest of the park was basically deserted. But this was so much more than you’d expected, and you almost couldn’t believe that he’d managed to do this.

When you expressed this to your husband, he just smugly noted that you continued to underestimate him even after eight years of being together.

“Of course,” you noted drily. “You are the very epitome of extra.” Still, you leaned over Sunmi’s head to kiss him in a manner that suggested that you’d be doing a lot more if not for the child sitting between you.

“Mommy!” Sunmi cried shrilly, and you broke away from your husband to give your daughter the attention she demanded.

“Yes, baby?”

“I wanna ride the bicycle!” Sunmi told you, pointing out the car window at the bike rental shop.

“Okay, baby,” you agreed easily.

After the bicycle ride, you settled down for a picnic, letting Sunmi gorge herself on fried chicken and delivery food that she rarely got to indulge in because you were all about feeding her a nutritious, balanced diet.

By the time you left the park that evening, Sunmi was fast asleep in her daddy’s arms while you cleared your picnic area and walked next to Taehyung back to the car. The sunset painted the sky bright pink and orange, the fiery ball of the sun disappearing behind the bridge.

“Thank you for today, Tae,” you said, resting your hand on the small of his back as you stretched up to kiss him.

“It was my pleasure. Happy anniversary, my love.”

“Happy anniversary, Tae. I love you.”

-----------------------------

Watching from your table as the happy couple enjoyed their first dance together, you reached for your glass of wine. Being the mother of the bride was hard work, and you were taking the moment to appreciate that everything seemed to have gone off without a hitch. You had to give Taehyung credit where it was due – he’d always been a good father, and despite everything that had happened between you, he’d never let anything get in the way of his responsibilities as a dad. He’d truly spared no expense when it came to the wedding, and it showed.

After the first dance, the rest of the guests were invited to dance too, leaving you alone with your thoughts. You hadn’t brought a date to the wedding, not wanting to cause any drama with your ex-husband, his family and band members, and it seemed like he hadn’t either.

You didn’t make a habit of prying into his personal life – ever since the divorce, your interactions had been solely about Sunmi. You regretted it a little now, realizing that you’d lost your husband and best friend in one fell swoop, but back then, you’d been so hurt and angry, wanting to punish him as much as you’d needed the space to heal. In fact, this was the longest you’d been in the same room with him since the divorce proceedings.

-----------------------------

It was cold in the meeting room, and the air conditioning unit was incredibly loud, you noted mechanically. You looked around anxiously, picking at the skin around your nails – an awful habit that Taehyung had tried without avail for years to get you to quit. It was just you and your lawyer in here right now, since you’d come a little early to discuss the case with her, but you were expecting Taehyung to come in any moment now.

He didn’t want the divorce, you knew that. You could still hear his sobs ringing in your ears from the last time you’d met, when he chased you back to Korea and tried to apologize, explain, grovel.

When Taehyung and his lawyer came in, you stood up out of politeness, shaking hands with the lawyer.

“Taehyung,” you greeted tightly, your body wound tight. Your fight-or-flight instinct was already activated, and you were ready to throw down if necessary. Not that you really thought it’d be needed, but you really didn’t want him trying to cajole you out of this. Your mind was made up. How could your relationship continue if you couldn’t trust him anymore?

“Y/n,” he replied. You could hear the slight wobble in his voice, and for just a second, you felt bad. Despite everything that had happened, you still loved him, and some part of you didn’t want to hurt him. In fact, you had to fight the urge to round the table and pull him into a hug, like you’d used to when he was upset.

Swallowing hard, you took your seat instead, clasping your hands tightly together in your lap. You’d lost that right when you decided to end the marriage, you reminded yourself. It didn’t matter how much you wanted to comfort him. You couldn’t anymore, not when you were the cause of his pain. You’d never wanted to be that to him, but that was neither here nor there – you hadn’t wanted to catch your husband hooking up with another woman in a random hotel room either.

To your surprise, the division of assets went more smoothly than you’d expected. You’d heard horror stories of ridiculous fighting over every last penny and had steeled yourself for that. After all, despite your own professional success it was clear to everyone that the bulk of your combined income as a couple came from Taehyung. It wasn’t that you wanted to take him through the wringer or anything like that, but you didn’t want to be left out on the streets with Sunmi either.

There was no question that you would be awarded primary custody of your daughter – Taehyung’s job took him overseas for extended periods of time, even taking into account the fact that the group was slowing down now as the demands of real life grew.

The division of assets was challenging, but you ran into the opposite problem from what you had feared. Taehyung, once he’d accepted that this divorce was happening, seemed intent on heaping wealth on you. He tried to offer you the house – which you rejected, instead asking for an apartment that you jointly owned instead. The house would be difficult to maintain, you reasoned, which led to him offering to pay for all maintenance and even for cleaners. You also had to bargain the alimony payments down, to the surprise and amusement of your lawyers. You didn’t need any money from him, you maintained, though you did accept child support.

Still, because there was so little fighting between the two of you, it was over quickly, and the one meeting was enough to settle everything. The lawyers excused themselves, telling you that the final divorce agreement would be sent to you both to sign, and then you were alone.

“Y/n…” Taehyung’s voice was filled with anguish and sadness. “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” you acknowledged, swallowing back the tears.

“Do we have to do this? You know I’ll do whatever it takes for you to forgive me,” he pleaded. “I’ll quit the band, we can go for couples therapy… please, just don’t leave me.”

“Tae…” It was the last time you would call him that. “I can’t trust you anymore, you know that.”

“I understand.” It didn’t mean he liked it, though.

Reaching over, you squeezed his hand. You withdrew more slowly than was strictly necessary, but still too quickly for him, and he felt the loss of the warmth from your hand as if in slow motion, fighting back the almost desperate urge to cling to you and never let you leave him, because when you walked out the door, it would really be over.

But you didn’t want him anymore, and nothing he said could change your mind. He watched quietly as you left, taking in every detail of your departing figure before the closing door obstructed his vision, before he broke down in tears.

-----------------------------

With enough time and distance, you could admit that Taehyung was the love of your life. You’d had boyfriends before and after him, but no one had ever made you feel the way he had, like you were soaring above the ground, but unafraid because you knew he would be there to catch you.

Maybe that was why you’d fallen so hard, been hurt so badly. The betrayal coming from the person who’d sworn never to dishonor you had cut you open, and you’d never healed right.

Everyone at your table had gotten up to join the dance floor now, and you were sitting alone, watching.

Looking around, you signaled for a waiter to top up your glass of wine. Now that everything was pretty much done, you figured it wouldn’t hurt to get a little drunk – just to take the edge off the day you’d been having. As nice as the day had been and as proud as you were to watch your baby girl getting married… these events were difficult for you.

You kept remembering your own wedding day, when you’d been so incandescently happy to be marrying Taehyung. Back then, you too had thought you were entering a union that would last a lifetime. But your marriage had been unable to withstand the challenges that life had thrown at you, and all you’d been left with at the end was the broken shambles of a life to pick up and try to piece back together even though there was a giant hole in it.

You were frowning into your glass of wine when Taehyung came to sit next to you. “Hey,” he said quietly, and you turned your head to look at him.

“Hello,” you responded, your voice polite but cold, hoping he’d take the hint and leave you alone. You’d truly had enough, and you didn’t have the emotional strength today to sit and make small talk with Taehyung. Even after so many years, the wounds were still raw and painful.

If your ex-husband was anything, however, it was persistent. “It was a beautiful ceremony,” he pressed on.

“It was,” you agreed coolly. Your hands were resting on the table, and you moved them into your lap, fisting them in the fabric of your dress.

“It made me think of the day we got married.”

Before you knew it, you’d shot out of your seat, the visceral distress at hearing him say those words giving you a jolt of adrenaline. You had to get out of there. “Taehyung, please stop.”

“Y/n, please. You’ve basically ignored my existence for twenty years. I miss you. If you won’t give me anything else, at least let me talk to you tonight.”

When you opened your mouth to speak, your throat felt tight, and you knew you were going to cry. “I—I can’t,” you choked out, before bolting. You streaked out of the ballroom, your body on autopilot, the only thing on your mind getting out of there.

Taehyung watched as you ran from him, guilt stealing over his features. He’d never meant to cause you pain, now or then, but it seemed that was all he was able to do. All he’d been doing for a long time.

He looked around, wondering if anyone had noticed your disappearance and was going to go look for you, but it didn’t look like it – Sunmi and her husband were still wrapped up in each other, as they should be, and almost everyone else was either dancing or at the bar, already drunk.

Sighing, he got out of his seat. He was reluctant to chase you down since his insistence on speaking to you was what had upset you in the first place, but there was nobody else to do it. He just hoped that he would be able to hold it together to actually help you.

You might have let your body carry you wherever it wanted to go, but Taehyung walked with purpose. He had a pretty good idea of where you were, and his hunch was proven right when he saw you pacing by the pool. For some reason, you’d always had an affinity for pools.

“Y/n,” he called out, and you stopped your pacing to turn around.

“How did you find me so quickly?” you asked with a frown, and he shrugged.

“You haven’t changed much in twenty years.”

-----------------------------

Taehyung swallowed hard as he looked up at the house. For almost ten years now, this had been his home. But now as he approached, fishing his keys out of his backpack, he couldn’t help the trepidation that filled him, making his hands shake and his heart pound.

He didn’t know what to say to you, didn’t know how to fix this. With his heart sinking into his stomach, he admitted to himself for the first time that maybe this couldn’t be fixed.

God, he didn’t even know why he’d done that, gone out to get drunk and find some other girl to hook up with. He’d just been so lonely, and it had been so long since he’d had sex. Even before the tour, which had been nine months long, you two had been on such bad terms that you hadn’t slept together in months. It didn’t excuse his appalling lapse in judgement, though.

With a sigh, he opened the door and stepped into the house, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw all your shoes, still lined up neatly on the shelves. So, you hadn’t left, then.

Dropping his things on the floor, he made his way through the house. At the beginning of your relationship, he might have checked the bedroom or the couch – any of the usual places where someone might be moping – but now he knew better.

Just as he’d expected, you were sitting in a lounge chair by the pool out back, a bottle and a single wine glass on the side table next to you. You turned your head when you heard the sound of the door opening, though you didn’t bother greeting him. The pool area was dark, lit only by the moon and the light shining through the windows in the house.

As he drew closer, he saw that your face was stained with tears, but your eyes were dry.

“Y/n,” he greeted uncertainly, drawing closer.

“You’re here,” you observed, your voice impassive. No hello, no welcome home.

“I had to talk to you, to apologize. Please, Y/n, I—” In his desperation, his voice grew louder, and in response you drew back, folding your arms across your chest and pulling your legs in, turning your face away from his stubbornly.

“I think everything there is to be said has been said.”

“No, Y/n, please, it was a mistake, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.” Taehyung sat at the edge of the lounge chair, and your shoulders hunched over more tightly, betraying your discomfort.

“Well, you did. Please leave,” you requested.

“Y/n, please, talk to me,” he begged, reaching out to put his hand on your knee, before thinking better of it and pulling back. His fists clenched in his lap.

“I said everything I had to say last night. I don’t want to see you right now.” Your voice was tightly controlled. You didn’t want him to see you falling apart. He didn’t get to know how heartbroken you were, how he’d destroyed you.

“Divorce?! Y/n, please. I made a mistake and I know it was bad, but we can get through this, can’t we? We can figure it out. I’ll do anything, I swear.” His voice trembled helplessly, and he felt cold all over. It felt like he was falling to pieces in front of you, and you wouldn’t help. “I’ll work to earn your forgiveness, I swear.” You could hear the earnestness in his voice and knew that he was telling the truth. If Taehyung was anything, it was a hard worker, and you knew he would dedicate himself to this task like he’d never done before.

But it wasn’t enough. “I can’t. I can’t get past this, Taehyung.” With those words, you got up and walked away from him again, leaving him in the dark. By the time he managed to marshal the strength to move his body, you were gone from the house. He didn’t see you again until the division of assets.

-----------------------------

“Taehyung…” Your voice trailed off, your shoulders hunching around your ears uncomfortably. You knew you were both recalling that night, when he’d begged you to forgive him, or at least give him a chance to earn your forgiveness, and you’d rejected him flatly.

“I’m sorry, Y/n.” His next words surprised you somewhat. You’d been expecting him to continue with your earlier topic of conversation. This, though, wasn’t necessarily better. The words echoed in your head and turned into his desperate, sobbed apologies of twenty years ago. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

You inclined your head in a stiff nod, grudgingly accepting his apology and hoping he would leave you to your thoughts. Why did he still do this to you? He’d been your ex-husband now for longer than you’d been together, and yet you remained so easily affected by him.

Damn Kim Taehyung, you thought suddenly, viciously. He’d sunk his claws into you thirty-two years ago and had never let you go. With the sudden flash of anger and resentment fueling you, you bit out, “You never do.”

Right in front of your eyes, Taehyung seemed to deflate. His shoulders slumped and he put his hands in his pocket, head bowed. “I’m sorry,” he whispered again. When you made your speech earlier, he’d genuinely thought that you were extending an olive branch to him. It was why he’d tried again to talk to you. It seemed like, not for the first time, he was wrong. “I’ll leave you alone, then.”

With that, he turned and started to walk away. Cursing your inability to let him go, you called out to him. “Wait, Taehyung.”

He spun around so quickly you felt a little dizzy on his behalf. “What is it?” he asked earnestly, his eyes wide.

“That was mean of me to say, and it was uncalled for. I’m sorry.”

He shrugged awkwardly, scuffing his shoe on the floor. “Don’t be. I understand that you still hate me. I would too.”

Since it seemed like tonight was a night for spilling secrets, yours tumbled out of your mouth thoughtlessly. “I don’t hate you. I couldn’t.”

His reaction was so dramatic it was almost comical. His eyes widened, his jaw dropped, and he took a half-step towards you before stopping short, not sure what to do with that information. “But—but you…”

Cringing as awareness of what you’d told him filtered back into your brain, you turned away, trying to hide your embarrassment.

“Y/n, talk to me, please,” he pleaded. “I just want to understand.” You could hear from his voice and footsteps that he was approaching you, and he stopped just a few paces away, wanting to be closer but trying not to overcrowd you.

“Stop it, Tae,” you said, the old nickname slipping out in your distraction. It didn’t even register with you as you grappled with your emotions, trying to rein them in, but he had to moderate his voice to stop the joy from coming through.

“If you tell me to go I will, Y/n, but I’m just curious. I’ve spent the past twenty years thinking you hated me for what I did. I mean, you’ve barely been able to look at me for all this time.”

“Taehyung…” You turned back to him, then noted the intensity of his gaze with some surprise. It compelled you to speak, like it always had. “I never hated you. I couldn’t. I can’t.”

“Then… then why?” His voice broke on the last word, his voice filled with hurt and confusion.

You gave him a small shrug. “I couldn’t trust you anymore.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You don’t understand why I didn’t think you were trustworthy after finding you about to hook up with a girl while you were on tour?” You rolled your eyes derisively. “It’s not rocket science, Tae. Was that even the first time?”

“What—Yes!” he yelled. “I swear to God, Y/n. It was a mistake. A shitty, terrible mistake, and one that I apologized for a million times. But you wouldn’t even listen to me, and I thought it was because you hated me, but now… we could have worked this out, couldn’t we?” The raw longing in his voice made you look away from him, because your eyes were filling with tears.

“Stop it,” you choked. “This is ancient history. There’s no point in bringing it up.”

“Y/n, it may be ‘ancient history’ to you, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. I love you, and I never stopped, even though everything went so wrong. I know you don’t have to do this. You can walk away right now, and I won’t chase you, I swear. But if you don’t mind, I really, really want to know what was going through your mind then.”

You bit your lip, your face still turned away from him, as you thought about it. For twenty years you’d hidden your tears from him, but if you decided to accede to his request, that ended tonight. Were you strong enough?

“Love… isn’t enough for a relationship, Tae. How was I supposed to trust you after what I saw?” You picked at an imaginary loose thread on your dress.

“Love? You still loved me after that?” Incredulity coloured his voice. You didn’t blame him – you hadn’t exactly shown it, instead pushing him away relentlessly.

“Taehyung…” Your voice caught. You’d always known, intellectually, that you’d hurt him, but seeing his anguish written all over his face made it real. “You’re the love of my life. I could never stop loving you.”

“Y/n…” Taehyung felt like his soul had left his body. Moving completely on autopilot, he took a step forward, then another, until he was standing right in front of you, one hand on your waist. “Please,” he whispered, his other hand cupping your cheek, before leaning down to kiss you.

You wanted to push him away and run off, screaming, but instead your eyes fluttered shut as he brushed his lips against yours gently, your hands reaching out to grasp his shirt. “Tae,” you said, your voice basically a wisp of air, when he pulled back.

“Thank you,” he rasped, starting to step back. As pathetic as it sounded, that tiny, chaste kiss was enough to last him the rest of his life.

It wasn’t enough for you, though. You’d forgotten – forced yourself to forget – what it felt like to have him pressed against you, towering over you, worshipping you with every caress. All of that had been tainted when you saw him with that other nameless girl, but having him here with you now, twenty years later, you felt the first inklings of doubt. After so much time and everything that had happened, he was still here with you, begging you to talk to him. It was clear that he loved you and you certainly felt the same way about him, and for the first time, you asked yourself – could love be enough?

When he made to move away, you tightened your fingers in the fabric of his shirt, holding him close. Taehyung looked down at you with surprise. “Y/n… what is it?” he asked.

Instead of answering him in words, you pulled him flush to your body and kissed him again, releasing his shirt in favour of winding your arms around his neck as his body collided into yours. Unlike the last one, this wasn’t a gentle, chaste peck. Your kiss was filled with all the longing and passion of the past twenty years, and Taehyung couldn’t help but react, his hands gripping your waist as he deepened the kiss hungrily.

You moaned into the kiss, a high-pitched, needy sound, as your arms tightened around his neck, pulling him yet closer to you. Hearing it, Taehyung tightened his grip on your waist, shuddering as he rolled his hips helplessly against you.

Breaking away from the kiss, Taehyung rested his forehead against yours, your breath mingling with his in the small space between your faces. “Y/n,” he panted.

“Tae,” you whined, your arms dropping to your sides as you hooked your fingers in his belt loops. “I missed you so much.”

He swore under his breath. This seemed like the reconciliation he’d dreamed of for so many years, but something was off. He’d always been able to tell with you, and he knew he didn’t have the whole story yet. It would be irresponsible and selfish for him to pursue this while you were clearly still in a fragile state, and as much as some dark part of him wanted to, he couldn’t do that to you.

So he took a step back and sucked in a deep breath to regain his composure – then almost lost it promptly when he saw you staring at him with that dark, intense gaze that haunted his dreams. “Stop looking at me like that,” he grumbled, ducking his head to hide his flush. “I’m trying to be good.”

“Could have tried that twenty years ago,” you muttered, but Taehyung, being so close to you, heard. The words cut through the haze in his mind like a knife and he dropped his arms to his sides immediately, turning away from you to hide how much your words had hurt him. He knew he deserved it, but the pain of hearing how much you hated him, dashing the new, timid hope growing in his chest like grass in the spring… it devastated him.

“Y/n… I’m sorry,” he choked, his hands balling into fists. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for doing that, and for hurting you, and if there was one thing in my life I could take back, it would be that. I’ve apologized a million times over; I’ve offered to leave you alone tonight. You were the one who initiated that kiss. I just—I don’t know what you want from me.

“I can’t do this anymore. I love you so much, and even though you say you love me, you’ll never forgive me. It just… it hurts so much, knowing that nothing I say or do will ever be enough to make it better.”

His words tore through you, shredding your anger and resentment like tissue. Your hurt may be old, but his… it was fresh, and every time you rejected his company or made a snide remark, it was like rubbing salt in his wounds. You knew he was sorry, that he regretted it, and sometimes even you wondered why that wasn’t enough for you.

Darting forward, you grasped his large fist, cupping it between your hands. “Taehyung, I’m sorry.” Your words were sincere and heartfelt, and you gripped his hand tightly, like you were afraid he would leave – and why wouldn’t he? He’d made you feel like you weren’t enough once, and you’d walked away from him. Really, how could you blame him for doing the same thing?

“I know I wasn’t a perfect wife.” It was the first time you’d ever admitted it out loud. “It doesn’t excuse what you did, but learning that I couldn’t have more children was heartbreaking for me.”

Taehyung stopped short. You’d never acknowledged this before. Without thinking about it, he uncurled his fingers to hold your hand, giving you what support he could as the confession spilled from your lips.

“I know you wanted children, a big family. Finding out that I couldn’t give you that…” Your voice broke, and Taehyung reacted, turning to draw you into his arms. You nestled in his embrace like you’d never left, your body fitting perfectly against his.

“I felt like I wasn’t enough.” You’d been carrying this secret hurt inside you for so long, and to say it out loud gave you a sense of relief, as if a crushing weight had been lifted from your chest.

“Y/n…” Taehyung’s voice was thick with emotion. He wanted to tell you that you were wrong, that you’d always been enough for him, but he couldn’t find the words.

“And seeing you with her… it just made it so much worse.” You were sobbing now, your fists clenched as you cried into his shirtfront, reliving the anguish you’d felt at believing yourself inadequate, how much you’d hated him even as you loved him like you’d never loved anyone before or since. How could someone you’d let into the deepest recesses of your soul use that power to hurt you so badly, you’d wondered. That night had been a confirmation of every secret fear you’d let fester for a year, and you’d run from the hurt as fast and as far as you could.

As much as he wanted to sink to his knees, Taehyung forced himself to remain standing, so you could lean on him. It was the one thing he could offer you, and even though it was laughably insufficient to fend off the wave of guilt that crashed over him, he forced himself to, tucking your head under his chin and gathering you up like he could shield you from the pain.

“Y/n… you’ve always been enough for me. Only you could be enough for me. And I’m sorry.” His voice broke on the last word. For the first time, words couldn’t capture the depth of his remorse, how fucking bad he felt. He would gladly tear out his heart and present it to you if it made you feel just a tiny bit better. It had always been yours, anyway.

Even though Taehyung had apologized to you countless times before, this was the first time you truly believed it, and the sorrow and remorse in his voice filtered through the haze of hurt and anger that you’d been living under for decades. He held onto you like you’d evaporate if he let you step out of his arms, like he was going to hug you for the next twenty years, for all the time he had missed.

You stayed like that for five minutes, just soaking in each other’s presence and comfort, but eventually common sense began coming back to you. “Taehyung,” you sniffled, wriggling slightly in his grasp.

“Just a little longer, please,” he begged, the words whispered into your hair.

“Taehyung, we can’t stay out here.”

He whined, sounding incredibly childlike and not at all like the distinguished middle-aged man he was. “I don’t want this to end,” he pouted.

“Tae—”

He cut you off by squeezing you so tightly you squeaked as the air left your lungs. Rolling your eyes fondly – some things never changed, it seemed – you squirmed determinedly until he had no choice but to let you go, and he stared at you with a bereft gaze.

“Come on, you drama queen,” you said, holding your hand out to him. He perked up visibly and put his hand in yours, not even questioning where you were taking him.

Taking him to your hotel room felt familiar, but new and exciting at the same time. It brought to your mind memories of sneaking around back when you’d first started dating, when he would come over to your apartment in the middle of the night, and you’d smuggle him in, giggling the whole time.

It wasn’t like you were necessarily doing anything wrong – both of you were single, adults, and this time, there weren’t any pesky contractual obligations to keep all relationships out of the public eye. Catching the divorced parents of the bride sneaking off together might raise a couple of eyebrows, though.

Taehyung wound his arms around your waist, resting his chin on your shoulder to watch as you fiddled with the key card. Now that you were back in his arms, he found himself basically unable to give it up, hungrily soaking in all the physical contact he’d dreamt of for so long. When you managed to get the door open and stepped through, he refused to let go, instead doing a strange crab-walk while still clinging to you.

“Tae,” you giggled, your hands resting on his arms. “You need to let go.”

“Never,” he insisted, burying his face in your neck. “Not letting you go again,” he said, his voice muffled.

“Tae…” your voice trailed off as you focused on taking off your shoes, which was made more difficult by the new limpet you’d acquired. Now a few inches shorter, you turned in his embrace and tilted your head up to brush your nose against his. The cute gesture was somewhat undermined by the way he immediately claimed your lips in a torrid kiss, his large hand splayed across the back of your head, and you knew that if not for the updo your hair was currently welded into, he would already be tugging on it.

“I missed you so much,” he groaned, his hand sliding from your head to the top of the zipper on the back of your dress. Instead of sliding it down, though, he paused, fiddling nervously with the tab.

“What’s wrong?” you asked, opening your eyes as you pulled back slightly.

“Are you sure you want this?”

You took a step back, out of his grasp, so you could get a better look at him. “Are you?”

Taehyung hesitated. He didn’t know why he felt so nervous about this. It was what he’d wanted for years, right?

“Tae…” As always, you could read him perfectly, and you held out your hand to him. “Come talk to me. What’s bothering you?” You led him to the couch, sitting down on the mattress facing him. He refused to let go of your hand, and you had to lean forward awkwardly.

“You won’t leave again, right?” he asked anxiously, and your brows shot up in surprise. His gaze continued darting around the room, refusing to settle on you, and you got up, closing the distance between you as you sat sideways on his lap.

“Tae, what are you talking about?” you asked, your fingers winding into the short hairs at the nape of his neck and stroking softly, the way you remembered he liked.

His lip wobbled, and you wanted to kiss it better. “I don’t want you to leave me again,” he confessed.

“Tae… this is my room. I’m not going anywhere,” you pointed out, and the slightly exasperated side-eye he gave you had you biting your lip to stifle a smirk. Becoming serious now, you added, “I promise I won’t disappear, okay? We can take things slow, and see where it goes,” before you pulled him close and gave him a sweet kiss on the cheek.

This wasn’t exactly what Taehyung wanted, but he supposed it was reasonable. Acquiescing, he turned to kiss you properly, allowing it to grow heated. You moved to straddle him, but the long dress made it difficult, and you hiked it up around your hips impatiently. Taehyung ran his tongue along your bottom lip and you moaned, heat pooling in your lower belly.

The sound spurred Taehyung to drag you closer to him, his hands kneading the flesh around your hips hungrily. You felt a flash of self-consciousness – the last time he’d seen you naked was decades ago, and your body had definitely changed since then, and not for the better. The greedy way he felt you up with the same hunger as he had back in your twenties when everything was new and exciting, though, banished the insecurities from your mind quickly.

Still kissing him, you ran your hands up his chest, delighting in how firm and solid he still was, before tugging his tie loose and dropping it carelessly somewhere. You attacked the buttons on his shirt impatiently, almost too excited to work them properly. Taehyung wasn’t faring any better, having roughly pulled your zipper all the way down – you gave a silent prayer for the nice zipper on the expensive dress, because if it had gotten caught, he would probably have ripped the whole thing.

You let go of him just long enough to allow him to push the dress off your shoulders so it pooled around your waist, and shivered as he put his hands on your bare skin, running them up your back to pop open the clasp of your bra.

“Tae,” you whined, tugging on his shirt, and he chuckled as he moved to help you with the rest of the buttons while you shrugged the straps of your bra off, tossing it behind you somewhere. His undershirt went the same way, and you moaned when his bare chest made contact with yours, kissing him frantically as you squirmed on top of him.

Taehyung wasn’t unaffected – you could feel his hard-on pressing against your thigh as he fondled your breast, rubbing his thumb against your pebbled nipple. “Fuck, Y/n,” he groaned in that deep, raspy baritone that you’d missed so much, his hands dropping to your thighs as he held you against him, standing up and depositing you on the bed. You gasped in surprise – you’d always enjoyed being manhandled by him, and were impressed that he was still able to lift you up so easily.

Instead of joining you immediately, he yanked your dress all the way off, letting it pool on the floor, before reaching for his belt. He wasn’t able to get it off before you hooked your fingers in his belt loops and yanked him towards you impatiently, causing him to lose his balance and fall on you. “Y/n,” he grumbled, though there was laughter in his voice. He pushed himself up on his hands, looking down at you, and you undid his belt with far greater dexterity than you’d handled his shirt buttons.

Pulling the leather through the loops – and shivering at the whistling sound the belt made, a familiar one from your more adventurous romps from days past – you dropped it beside you before working on his trousers.

“Someone’s impatient,” Taehyung teased, and you scoffed at him.

“You’re one to talk,” you retorted, and he didn’t respond immediately, but that might have been because you plunged your hand into his underwear to grasp his hard cock. Taehyung had always been big, and you clenched on yourself as you remembered what it had felt like to have him stretching you open. God, how you’d missed him, pined for him on those long, lonely nights.

You pumped his cock slowly, running your thumb across the head to collect the pre-cum already beading there and listening to him growl and pant above you, long fingers diving into your panties to stroke you eagerly as his lips returned to yours. He found you wet and sticky already, dipping his fingers in the orifice before returning to circle your clit with all the expertise you’d come to expect after almost a decade of marriage. Some things were embedded in your muscle memory and being with each other felt like that.

Because you knew it would drive him wild, you released his erection, causing him to pull away to look down at you questioningly. With a smirk, you raised your hand to your mouth, dragging the pad of your thumb across your tongue. “Hmm,” you cooed, your eyes fluttering shut. “You taste just as good as I remember.”

“Fuck.” The expletive punched out of Taehyung with the last of the oxygen in his lungs, leaving him breathless. You were so flawless, perfect for him in every way, and he couldn’t wait anymore. He pulled your panties off so hard that they ripped before pushing his own boxers down just far enough to release his painful erection. The head was flushed bright red, the veins standing out along the length, and your mouth watered, but that wasn’t what he was going for right now.

As he pushed your thighs apart with his own, one hand snaked around his cock, stroking it a few times to take the edge off. You both watched, enthralled, as he slid the head of his erection along your slit, gathering up the wetness, before pressing into you. The stretch was immediate, tears springing to your eyes as you tensed up in response.

“Fuck, Y/n, you’re so tight,” Taehyung gritted, leaning down to kiss you. His tongue slid against yours filthily, making you moan, as his fingers reached between you to rub your clit. “I missed you, I love you, I love you,” he groaned as he sank into you, your heels pressing against the small of his back and egging him on. You’d half expected him to pound you into tomorrow after the urgency of the foreplay, but he seemed content to take it slow, kissing you and caressing your side as he thrust almost lazily. He buried his face in your neck and you stroked his hair as your breath caught on the pleasure.

“Taehyung,” you breathed, your voice hitching as he brushed against your g-spot. Of course he remembered exactly where it was, you thought fondly. “I love you so much,” you confessed, the words hanging in the air. He didn’t respond to you, continuing the smooth motions of his hips, and you wondered if he was even listening to you, but then you heard it.

A sob, muffled against your neck. The sound made you panic, and you pushed at his shoulders so that you could look at him. He resisted a little, but you kept stroking your hands down his sides to reassure him. “Tae, are you okay? Is this okay?”

Finally, he lifted himself off you, but immediately went in for another kiss, this time tender and sweet, his lips moving gently against yours. “Say that again?” he requested, and you could see the tears shining in his eyes.

“Tae, I love you,” you moaned as he drove into you harder, gripping your thigh as he angled himself to hit your g-spot again. He was rushing for the finishing line now, you could tell, as he reached back down to thumb at your clit with unerring precision. Your confession had done it for him, but he would not cum before you. It had to be perfect, the best beginning to your future together.

“Again,” he breathed, needing to hear the words from you once more, and you acquiesced, repeating it with each thrust, until the pleasure grew too great and you just gasped and moaned instead, spelling your love for him out in the scratches on his back and the way your heels drummed against him, begging him to get closer, deeper inside of you, to never leave.

“Tae—fuck,” you cried out as you crested, clenching hard on his cock in you as your arms and legs tightened around him. In that instant, as close as he was to you, you needed more, tears springing to your eyes at the feeling of his hands and mouth on you after so long, gentle but sure, reverent yet debased.

Feeling you orgasm around him was too much for his already faltering restraint, and with a final thrust, he came, shuddering in your arms as he shot ropes of cum deep inside you.

In the aftermath, Taehyung sank down on you, and though you knew you wouldn’t be able to stay like this forever, you welcomed his weight pressing you into the bed. He almost surrounded you, his warmth comforting, and you stroked his back as he caught his breath.

A moment later, he lifted himself off you, seeking another kiss which you happily gave him. He tucked an errant strand of hair that had stuck itself to your sweaty cheek behind your ear, and you smiled up at him, eyes shining. As amazing as the sex was, Taehyung had always shown the extent of his love for you through those tender, soft touches that came like second nature to him.

“I love you,” he told you again, emotion shimmering in his eyes. You were tempted to be cheeky and say I know, because he’d told you so many times tonight, but you could sense the vulnerability radiating off him and knew this wasn’t the right moment for your sass.

“I love you too,” you told him instead, reaching up to cup his face and brushing your thumb against his cheekbone to wipe the tear that escaped. There was so much more you had to talk about – establishing boundaries and rules for this new old relationship, clearing the air between you. Hell, after twenty years apart, who knew if you were still compatible with each other?

However, you pushed all those thoughts away as you hugged Taehyung’s sweaty, exhausted body closer to you. Just for tonight, you promised yourself, you would let love be enough.

[alreadyblondenow]

Prom & six packets of condoms

Mark Lee x reader // FLUFF, SMUTT , ANGST

Part of PROM SERIES: MARK LEE

Themes: high school! au, prom! au, college! au, best friends to lovers

Word count: 7k

Summary: Prom, six packets of condoms, a funeral, and graduation all needed first to happen before he can finally win you. 

Warnings: character death (a parent) if you’re not comfortable with that please click away, mentions of alcohol, mentions of other idol (nct dream), loss of virginity, protected sex, fingering, slight depression, mourning phase, 

A/N: inspired by true events, I just finished reading First Times by moonctzeny and I won’t lie I was inspired and my prom memories haunted me the whole day so here you go. Phrases/ paragraphs in italics are flashbacks. Proofread this once only hehe. I will make a time stamp for every condom and will post it on the following days hehe. Enjoy reading

Time stamps for this fic/condoms: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

“You’re the new girl right? Hi, I’m Mark”

It’s been almost four good years since Mark ate lunch with you during the first day of freshman year. You were the new girl in town by that time and you don’t know anyone in school. Mark is the nicest person you’ve met and ever since that fateful day, you two are inseparable and you became best friends.

Now senior year is on full throttle and it seems like everything is happening so fast. Maintaining your GPA, college applications, spearheading extracurricular activities and prom then graduation in just a weeks... its all too much.

“Hey, you all set for tomorrow? You’re not going to ditch me with some other dude who’s more handsome than me, right?” You’re talking to Mark through FaceTime while you two prepare for tomorrow’s big event. He jokes about you ditching him last minute and he told you he’d still love you if that really happens.

“If you mention it again, fine! I’ll go with Jeno-“ you teased him back.

“Hey! I’m just kidding. Don’t do that!” His laugh and his smile are still addicting to watch even if it’s through your phone screen.

Mark asked you to prom, which you think is so sweet of him. And it might not looked like it, but prom is a pretty big deal for Mark as much as it is for you.

It’s that time of the month when you and Mark do a scary movies Netflix and chill ritual in his room. You were waiting for him to get the bag of Cheetos from their kitchen and it was pretty dark in his room and when he finally came back, he was biting a red rose in his mouth and posing sexily in front of you. At first, you thought he was just making you laugh but you saw him walk towards his guitar and strums it. Before he sing you a song, he hands you the rose and kissed you on the cheek.

And that’s how Mark asked you to prom. Simple yet so unforgettable and meaningful. You will never forget how he sings so passionately in front of you and only for your eyes to see.

“Y/n, my best friend. Will you go to prom with me?”

“Who would reject such a great promposal? Yes!”

That night, after his promposal, you two watched scary movies without even noticing that you two were cuddled up and holding hands.

He’s all crazy about how he wants to do everything right for you and also so he could have that full experience with prom. Unforgettable promposal, wrist corsages, his tie matches your dress. Everything has to be perfect.

The most awaited day finally arrived and you are excited to spend a day that happens once in your life. When you walk down the stairs as Mark waits for you with your parents, he was speechless on how beautiful you are.

You know when Mark is getting flushed and shy when he starts to say “uhm” more than three times and he can’t look at you in the eye but he steals glances just to admire how beautiful you are. He puts the corsage around your wrist and you think it’s pretty not because it’s in your favorite color but because Mark chose this.

After your parents took a picture of you and Mark, the limousine arrived right on time. You saw Jaemin peeking at the limousine’s sunroof with a big smile, cheering for you and Mark excitedly because you two look good together.

“Mark, you didn’t have to match your tie with the color of her dress you know? By the way, y/n you look beautiful” Haechan opens the door for you and Mark to join the party inside the limousine with their respected dates.

“Oh Hyuck, it’s his idea give him a break. You look handsome too, nice hair!”

The drive to the hotel was already fun and full of laughter but the big event itself, was a shindig. Disco balls and chandeliers, glitters, confettis and balloons everywhere. Everyone was having a good time, smiles everywhere and everyone was dancing under loud music.

And while you admire everyone having the time of their lives, Mark is only admiring you. He can’t take his eyes off of you, thinking how asking you to be his date is a right decision. What if he asks you to be something else? Something bigger than just being a date. He brushed his thoughts away and just enjoy this night to the fullest with you. Being your date is a great excuse for him to wrap his arm around your waist from behind as you two dance under loud party music like crazy teenagers.

After having a blast at prom and getting half drunk at the after party, you ended up tired and exhausted in Mark’s bed. He flopped beside you putting his right hand under his chin and admire you smile at the ceiling. To him you’re still as beautiful as the first time he saw you today even though your face is all oily and your hair is already down.

“I’m pretty sure we did everything that’s needed to be done for a perfect prom” he said, slightly whispering to not ruin the silence in his room.

“Hmm. Not everything, but yeah it’s perfect. You’re perfect” you whispered back sweetly, trying to let him know that you’re flirting.

“What do you mean?” He bounced back a question immediately and totally missed your flirting. You let out a sigh.

“I overheard Jaemin and the other boys are going to lose it with their girlfriends tonight. Because of that, their prom will be extra special you know? But Mark, you’re perfect! You made this night beyond perfect and I couldn’t ask for more” You see him smile and blush, hugging his favorite striped pillow and try to hide his shyness.

It does make him kind of envy with the others because he wants to lose his virginity too tonight, but the problem is he doesn’t have a girlfriend. The room became silent when Mark told you that. You thought of all the things he did for you today just to give you an unforgettable night and then a crazy idea hit your head like a lightning.

“You can still do it. You have me”

The idea made him speechless and excited but he’s good at hiding it. “Wow- Jeez, I don’t know what to say but are you sure? Because I want this to happen, like really.” He almost confessed his feelings for you but he stopped himself before he ruins this moment.

“Yeah. I want to lose my virginity too tonight” the awkwardness is starting build up between the two of you. “Let’s just pretend we’re together. We do love each other as friends but you know, just so we could have a good time while having sex we uhm- we need to think that we’re together”

“No problem with me” he’s been pretending that you two are together ever since he developed a big crush on you. “Do you want to go to the bathroom first?” He offered.

“That would be great, yeah. I could use some time to fix myself first” you head towards to his bathroom and locked it nervously. The idea wasn’t supposed to make you nervous because it’s Mark but you caught yourself getting excited about the sex.

You found him making the bed and he made the room all dark and left his lampshade open. You walk towards the edge of his bed, Mark on the other side and you see him loosen up his tie and starts to unbutton his dress shirt. When he’s all naked in front of you, you hear your heart pound and beats so fast when you saw him crawl to your side. “Come here, I’ll unzip your dress”

You turned around and you feel his hands roam around your shoulders before he proceeds to unzip your dress. “Nice bra” he says when you faced him again.

Mark invites you to his bed to come lay down holding your hand as if you’re going to fall. It’s weird how it’s not your first time laying on Mark’s bed but this time it felt like it’s your first time.

He gave you a peck on the lips, a quick and friendly kiss. “That’s our first kiss as best friends. I want you to know that It’s me and like Im not going to do anything bad to you. I’m just appreciating my best friend” theres a slight pang on his heart when he said that because right now he wants to scream and tell you his feelings for you.

Mark kissed you again to silence his thoughts. And it was a different kiss from the first one. This kiss made your head move around his pillows, you feel your head sinking as he kiss you deeper and deeper, both of your hands are exploring as if it has a mind of its own.

“And that’s our first kiss, being together” and I want you to know that I love and if you could just wait for me to man up, I will love you fiercely. But of course he didn’t have the courage to say that part to you, instead he kissed you and pretended to be with you.

It was hard to stop kissing Mark and be away from his incredible lips. Lips he used for singing and for his prayers, now he’s using it for kissing you. “Let’s get you naked, baby” he said in between delicious kisses.

He pull away from the kiss and once again admired the girl in front of him. “Mark, you deserve everything” you said, sitting up in front of him. Guiding his hands towards your chest just to brush his soft hands against your clothed boobs and gave him your consent and the honour to unclasp your strapless bra.

You smiled at him when you felt your bra fall down the mattress. He pushed you back on the mattress, kissing your lips and slowly traveling down your neck.

For a minute he just stayed above you and looked at your exposed boobs and proceed to remove your laced panties. You hear him let out a soft exhale, when finally seeing you full naked in his bed.

It’s your first time having sex and neither is Mark but you don’t know why that certain nervousness was gone. He was smiling sweetly to you when he made his way in between your legs kissing your lips again. You feel Mark’s hands roam around your naked body and his touch are just as addicting like his lips. “I’ll be right back”

In the quickest way possible, he went to his bathroom to pump his dick a few more times to make it even harder and grabbed a few condoms from the drawer.

“Mark Lee, are you planning use all six of that?” you were pointing at the condoms.

He chuckled at what you said and went back in between your opened legs and give you a kiss again. “Baby, want to roll it?” he asked, giving you a packet of condom and you nod your head excitedly.

When all is settled, both of his hands are on both sides of your head, cock already lined up, he’s just taking his time with you. “Thank you, Y/n” it should have been ‘i love you, y/n’ but again he kissed you to silence his thoughts.

Pushing inside you slowly, feeling how your walls felt so warm around him. You on the other hand, moaned out the hurt and kissed Mark until you smile whenever he playfully thrusts in you to catch your attention and look at his eyes.

Mark was cute the whole time he was rolling his hips. Cute but fucking hot when looks directly in your eyes and intentionally goes deeper inside. It was quiet and only your moans and his, the skin slapping from Mark’s thrusts are the sounds you can hear inside his room.

You guide his hand to grip your left boob and he got the message and he kneads them. Pulling Mark’s head close to your boobs so he can suck it like the ones you saw in porn, he got the message too. All these are new to him but he’s happy you’re okay with him having the full experience using your body.

If Mark gave you the best full experience for prom, you’re going to give him the best full experience in having sex. It was not long when Mark reached his climax and shoot his cum in the condom and you on the other hand came with the help of his fingers and shivered like crazy underneath him.

Pulling out immediately, he threw the condom and lay beside you, covering you with his familiar sheet that you only use to cover your eyes during scary movies. But now, he’s using it to cover both of your naked bodies. When he pulled you close to him, you were still shivering and sensitive. So he kissed you and until you finally calm down and accept his warmth.

The next day, the sun is shining brightly on Mark’s room and your naked bodies are still underneath Mark’s sheets. You caught him looking at you when you opened your eyes, and you greet him with a smile like you usually do whenever you two had sleepovers.

Waking up with Mark beside you smiling handsomely is not new for you, this happened a hundred of times already. But waking up with Mark beside you naked and his hand is on your waist, is definitely new for the both of you.

“Good morning, beautiful”

“Good morning “ you greet him back with a hoarse voice, “oh wow your smile is nice. Who did you fucked last night, huh?” you added playfully cupping his handsome face and smiling brightly like the sun.

“You” he said with a grin on his face.

“Oh, that’s right I gave you that smile. Can I take it back?” you leaned to his face for a kiss, and you showered him with kisses while you both laugh and giggle like little kids. He ended up being on top of you again, just like last night while he was inside of you.

He lay back on the mattress, thinking maybe you don’t want to do this anymore but it’s morning, and being horny in the morning is something he cant control. So he asked you, “are we still together?”

“Yes. Just until breakfast “ you answered him without hesitation.

That’s his go signal to kiss you again just how you like it. Feeling his incredible lips again that you will surely miss the moment you two eat breakfast. Slowly pushing the sheets away, exposing your body again for him but this time in broad daylight and he can see all of you.

He props he arms and stayed beside you, admiring your glow under the morning light that shines through his window while you let his right hand cup your pussy and let him play with it.

You knew what he’s doing. He’s making you feel good and he’s just laying beside you watching you moan his name with closed eyes and parted lips. The position was damn too comfortable you can move your legs all you want until you’re satisfied while he’s putting digits inside you, gliding his finger up and down your slit or in and out of your cunt.

“Mark” you moaned his name when he finally hit the nerve while your left leg opens a little while he touch you. When it was all too much, you grab hold to his hand begging him to stop because it’s making you weak in all ways possible. And when he did stopped, you were breathing deeply and sharply.

You watch him lick the fingers that went inside you and he looked so hot. He waited for you to calm down and press yourself to his body for an embrace. You and Mark stayed embracing each other thinking how you don’t want this to be over yet. Thinking loudly but not saying it to each other.

You both want the same thing but none of you knew that truth. For you, Mark only loves you as a friend. And for Mark, he cant pursue you because he’s going away eventually and you don’t deserve that kind of love.

“You do know that what you did for me is a big deal, right?” Mark breaks the silence but not the embrace.

“Mhmm. Are you happy? Cause I am” you heard Mark’s heart beats faster and loudly as you pull him more and tighten your embrace.

“I’m so happy, I can finally die” it made you both laugh but still not moving to break the embrace and finally have breakfast.

After what happened you two spend your days together like how you normally do. Going to school together, Netflix and chill, church every Sundays. And if someone will accidentally brought it up, you two will just laugh it all out.

Come graduation, the saddest day of your life. That and the day after graduation. Graduation simply means ‘Goodbye Mark Lee’ and finally letting him go and wish him luck for his college years in Canada.

“I hate Canada” you cry your eyes out as you two sit in front of the big feast your family and his family prepared for graduation dinner and Mark’s send off. “Why do you have to pick the earliest flight tomorrow” you whine.

Mark hugged you and gave you a spoonful of ice cream that you cant resist. “Sorry, I just have to take care of a lot of things before school starts” It’s not that you hate him for going home to Canada and study for college there, but you didn’t even get to spend the summer with him because he has to be there already.

The night before Mark leaves, it was emotional. You cried and cried in your room, looking at the pictures in your phone and the ones that are on your bedside drawer. You cried until you were tired and eventually fall asleep.

Mark leaves at exactly 6am.

And it’s 5am when your mother woke you up with a panic. “Your father had a heart attack. The ambulance is taking too long”

Everything happened so fast that you didn’t have a chance to think it all through. Because of the panic, you drove your parents straight to the hospital as fast as you can, crying while you’re driving and saying your apologies to Mark that he will not hear because you left your phone at home.

“Why isn’t she picking up?” Mark is already at the airport, waiting for you and his flight. Half mad but mostly sad. “She cant just let me leave without saying goodbye right?” he was furious already in front of his parents.

But you never came. And he went back to Canada with a broken heart. He was mad to you because you were petty and selfish just because he can’t stay here for the summer you made him suffer by not sending him off.

While Mark is in the air and up above the clods hating you, you’re in the hospital crying because you lost your father. It was so painful for you to see your mother cry and constantly blame yourself for not driving fast enough instead of crying for Mark while you were driving.

Mr. and Mrs. Lee told Mark the news about your father. It takes a matter of seconds for him to burst into tears while he was in the middle of fixing his dorm room and immediately taking back everything bad he said to you through texts.

In the day of the funeral Mark’s mother handed you her phone, “A phone call from Mark, love. I think you should talk to him, maybe he can cheer you up.” It was sweet for Mrs. Lee to tell you that, but you’re still mad at yourself and yourself mad at him for telling you such hurtful words. Nonetheless you took the phone from Mrs. Lee and answered without saying a word.

“Hi” you heard him gulp, he sound tired “I’m worried for y/n. Who’s taking care of you? You haven’t returned any of my messages or calls. Baby, you have to be strong” the pet name made you tear up, and you let your tears fall continuously because you miss him so much.

“Just say the word and I’ll come back there. Fuck college, I can enrol next semester”

“No don’t do that. I’m taking care of myself Mark, I’m sorry for making you worry” he was glad to hear your voice again. If he sounds tired, for him you sound sad and broken. “I promise to talk to you when I come home, okay” you added, and without any other words you gave back Mrs. Lee’s phone and excused yourself.

As you mourn with your mother and get used with all the changes, you realised that you have to be strong for her and for yourself. Days passed by slowly and it was torture everyday but Mark helped you with all that he can even though he’s far away.

He sends visitors in your house to cheer you up and so you won’t succumb into sadness. First he sends his parents because he figured you and your mother might need some company or help with anything.

The second visit that you got was Mark’s friends Jaemin, Haechan, Renjun and Jeno who made sure to make you laugh every second or minute.

And the third visit was from Mark, he came all the way from Canada. “Im here now” he wasn’t suppose to visit until Christmas but he can’t take it anymore, his worries are killing him. It’s like a dream being in Mark’s arms again, inside your room and enjoying his warmth.

“How’s Canada? Did you found a replacement for me yet?” you whispered, he was glad that you made a joke you’re starting to sound like your normal self again.

“If they can last six rounds on their first night having sex with me then yeah, they can replace you” you punched him hard on his arm and he let out a loud “ouch!” You’re sure that your punch will leave a bruise that he can take on his way back to Canada.

“I was kidd- fuck, y/n that hurt like a motherfu-“ he was really in pain and you can see his eyes watery already. “Im sorry” you kissed his arm and went silent again, curling on your bed waiting for Mark to embrace you again.

“I was just trying to make you laugh and you give back by punching me.” He embraced you again, caging you with his arms. “Even if someone can last 12 rounds, I will still not replace you and you know that”

When Mark’s three day visit has come to an end, you get to say goodbye now. And even when he’s away again, he still takes care of you and your mom by any ways he can. It went on and on and on until you’re finally back on your feet. Though of course half a year is still not enough to fully recover from your loss, you don’t have much of a choice.

College was incredibly tiring and challenging but its better than staying in your room and looking at the ceiling for weeks. It’s a good thing too that college kept you busy and diverted from being sad and lonely. You had new friends and they are great, a couple of suitors but no one can still top Mark’s charms. And you’re more than happy to see your mother smile and cook around the kitchen again. Just like you she fights hard to have a happy life again.

“Can you please eat more? You’re getting thinner and thinner every week I swear! Don’t wait for me to go there and make you eat” you’re getting an earful from Mark because he noticed you got thin because of the stress and maybe from your depression.

“Bye Mark, I gotta go. Need to finish this paper, love you ugly person!” You waved goodbye to him through your phone screen.

“Love you too, please go eat” he says before ending the call.

The moment you finished the paper, you thought about teasing Mark because you got an earful from him earlier. With all you courage and bravery, you sent him a sexy picture. Not too vulgar but enough to make him hard and that’s for sure.

You: [attached photo]

You: Miss me?

After a couple of seconds, your phone dings.

Mark: I do :(

Two years have passed and everything is still fine and you’re completely happy with everything in your life. College is going pretty well, your mom is happy and that’s what always matters, and Mark.... became busy. You two can only talk during Sunday nights because he has a part time job already and he needs to study, so who are you to demand for time, right?

Until one day you saw a girl behind him sleeping in his bed so soundly during one of your FaceTime calls with him. “Let me guess, she can lasts six rounds” there was bitterness with how you talked to him, you’re just thankful that he didn’t deny it.

“Eight actually” it was not right to say that and he knew that, but he doesn’t understand why are you so upset.

“The fact that you told me you’re busy and you cant talk to me because of some reasons then I’ll find out about this? Im your best friend” there was a moment of silence, then it hit you. “Am I?” he never once lied to you, even if he wants to lie to you about something he always tells you the truth no matter how it will hurt your feelings.

“Of course you are, you’re hurting me how can you say things like that”

You ended the call and ignored him for much more important stuff in your life.

A month of not talking became seven hurtful months, you figured if he can replace you he can be replaced too. You thought maybe that this is just for the sake of having revenge, but it’s not.

Taeyong was definitely not for revenge. You fell hard, head first and it felt good. He was a lot like Mark but more free spirited than Mark or maybe because he’s older and he’s graduating college soon. Taeyong adore you and your mom, he can even make your mom laugh and you’d be happy just by hearing her laughs. Sex with him was also great. Greater than the one you had with Mark but you figured thats already given because Taeyong is experienced.

You were in the middle of finishing a paper when Taeyong lure you into taking a break and have an adult stress release. With no questions asked you jumped on him, leaving your laptop open and leaving your paper that’s due in a couple of hours.

He was balls deep inside you when Mark called through FaceTime and your FaceTime in your laptop automatically accepts calls. You didn’t even know that the call was ongoing and that Mark saw you and Taeyong having sex in your bedroom.

Mark called to tell you know that he’s wrong about choosing someone over you and that he’s coming home for a three day vacation again. But instead of having a talk with you, Mark saw you and Taeyong while you’re both at it and he saw you laughing loud when while Taeyong is kissing your neck. Mark looked away and ended the call.

Days passed by and you didn’t know about what Mark saw. And it’s been almost a year from the last time you two had a conversation, that’s why you’re shocked when you saw him at church one fine Sunday morning. After the mass you waited for him outside the church, “You hate me so much that you didn’t even tell me you were coming home?” you were furious.

He didn’t say a word because he remembered how you’re happy having sex with Taeyong a few days ago. “You hate me so much you didn’t tell me anything about your boyfriend” he said and walked away, just like that.

Mark never stopped loving you, but he was hurt. He went to your house but didn’t have the guts to knock and talk to you but your mother saw him. “Mark? My love what are you doing here? Its cold outside, come in y/n is not home so its safe” he was shocked that your mother knew about his misunderstanding with you.

Your mother made Mark his favorite tea and gave it to him with a smirk that made him let out a laugh. “Im guessing you knew already?” You mom nods, still has a smirk on her face.

“Taeyong is a sweet boy you don’t need to worry. You can’t blame him, you’re too slow. You always had your chance but I don’t know what’s keeping you from winning her. I’m starting to get disappointed” your mother teases Mark and playfully pretends that she’s disappointed.

“I’m better than that guy- just give me a few more months. Or years” Mark gulped, realising what he’s promising to your mother, “I won’t stop until I become your son in law”

“That’s the spirit! To be perfectly honestly you two are stressing me out, so please do what you must”

You are getting tired of the constant push and pull with Mark so you decided to finally talk to him and iron things out before things get out before misfortunes like losing your friendship happens. Even though you’re not sure if he’s okay to talk you still went to his house, only to find out that he went somewhere. “It’s okay Mrs. Lee, I’ll wait here” you point at their porch swing and there, you wait for your best friend to come home.

“Y/n?”

“Hey” you nervously stood up from the swing, “I was waiting for you”

“Good. We need to talk” he sat down next to your side of the swing and he rocks it gently, giving you guys a little breeze. You notice he’s awfully in a good mood and you wonder why.

“Can we please stop fighting? This is not us. I miss you and- I don’t have to fabricate what I want to say to you. I miss my best friend, and that’s that” you kept it real and short because you’re dying to hear him talk, you want to hear his side, his point of view, his say in all of this.

“I wasn’t keeping that girl, she was never a secret. It just kind of happened. Life can be so stressful if you’re alone and far from home. Then you over reacted and started calling me a liar but the truth is I don’t know how to say that ‘hey, I had sex last night’”

“Of course you can tell me if you had sex with other girls Mark, why would you think that I won’t care?”

“Don’t fool yourself, y/n. We both know we have feelings for each other. We don’t say it out loud because were scared someone might get hurt. But our actions speaks loud and clear for us”

What Mark said was true, and as expected the truth was too much for you. Taeyong flashes in your mind and you constantly ask yourself if this is considered cheating. “What are we going to do now?” you asked him.

“I know too well what I’m going to do, and I’m not telling it to you. And I know that Taeyong is a nice person, I know because I just talked to your mom. If you’re happy with him, then be happy with him. Don’t let what’s going on between us ruin that great relationship. I just want for us to stop fucking fighting, like what you said I miss my best friend and that’s that” he smiled sweetly at you and pulled you in a hug. His hug that you missed so much you don’t want to let go now.

‘Good things happen to those who wait, but great things happen to those who ‘hustle’ it’s a quote that Mark read somewhere in the internet and he couldn’t agree more. But in his case, he can’t ‘hustle’ because that means stealing you from Taeyong. So he waits. Patiently. If fate decides to bring you two together, then Mark will definitely grab that chance.

Things went back to normal and the two of you talk again everyday during your senior year in college. Sharing stressful times during internship and talking about what you guys want to happen in the future. It’s always been like this with Mark, you two are very different people who have different views and goals in life but nonetheless you support each other no matter what happens and you two somehow meet in the middle and work things out. For the importance your friendship.  

Did you stop him from studying college in Canada? No. Did he stop you from dating Taeyong? No. You strongly believe that your differences makes your friendship more interesting.

You and Taeyong on the other hand, had a rough time and decided to end things because it’s the right thing to do. He can’t keep on disappointing you when he forgets about your dates, he has a stable job so he’s busier than ever and he admits he’s been falling out of love. You were hurt. And you decided to stay single and heal alone from the heartbreak before you open a new chapter with Mark. Now, you’ve been single for almost half a year already and Mark is clueless.

“Do you think that it’s unfair that you get to attend to my graduation but I can’t attend on yours?” you watch Mark fix his gradation robe through your phone and you feel so proud of your best friend.

“Fine. Fly here now, I’ll give you an hour” he jokes, and you both let out a laugh. “Don’t worry, were still having the same graduation dinner. Again.” he adds.

“Okay fine, then. I’ll see you tomorrow, at my graduation. Oh can you bring that robe? I want us to take a picture wearing our graduation gowns” you pout through your screen.

“Well, It’s not allowed but fine princess, I’ll make it happen” the pet name made your heart flutter.

Graduation felt more like prom to you. Why? Because you’re looking forward to see Mark and take cute graduation pictures with him. After the graduation ceremony, it was not hard for you to find him because he’s the only person who’s wearing a different graduation robe.

“Mark!” you ran towards him excitedly and he catches you with welcoming arms. “you look fucking handsome!”

“I know, told you I’ll make it happen” he winks at you and put you down on the ground.

“Now now children, just like prom. Look at the camera. Big smiles please!” your mother initiates to take those cute pictures you always dreamed of. “Honey go see some of your friends, we’ll wait here” and off you go to say goodbye to your friends.

While you were away, your mom took the chance to talk to Mark and tell him that you and Taeyong are long gone. “What? She didn’t tell me anything about them breaking up” Mark was shocked, he felt betrayed for a moment but mostly happy because now he can finally ‘hustle’.

“Honey, she wants to recover from the breakup by herself. She didn’t want to drag you in the mess. Just like you she waited patiently for the right time, until she heals”

Because of that great news, and you didn’t know that Mark already knew about the truth, he became bold about his feelings for you. Now that you’re both home and Mark will not go back to Canada anytime soon, you spend each day together just like when you were in high school. You notice how he flirts with you constantly everyday, how he tells you he loves you without even stuttering, he even asked you, “if we end up getting married someday, which will probably happen” he winks, “how many kids do you want” and the question completely caught you off guard.

It was Netflix and chill night and you and Mark are cuddled in the middle of his bed watching a scary movie, screaming and shouting like teenagers. After the movie, he needed to pee but he didn’t want to go to the bathroom alone, “come on, I’ll stay with you while you pee” you offered and he gladly accepted.

While he pees, you snoop around his bathroom stuff and you see the box of condoms and recognised the condom brand, “is this the one we used that night?” you asked boldly.

He chuckled low, shy to to answer your question but he said, “same brand. different box”

Something came inside your head that maybe he used it all up while he waits for you ‘patiently’ during your time with Taeyong. “And no I didn’t fool around while I was waiting for you. The box before that was the box. Our box.”

“So this new box will wait patiently too?” you teased him.

“No it’s for tonight” he came closer to you and hugged you from behind, looking at you through the mirror. “Why didn’t you say that you and Taeyong were long done?”

“Let me guess, my mom told you” he nods, you turned around to face without breaking his grasp around your waist. “That’s cheating” the teasing never stops and you returned the hug. Putting your arms around his neck and ruffling his soft hair.

“Are we together again?” Mark asked shyly, his blush was visible and it made smile and nod your head to answer his question.

The next thing you know, your lips touched. It was like the first time you kissed him, or rather the second time. The way he kisses you is still the same, full of love, careful and addicting. It’s the exact same lips you want to kiss everyday and forever for as long as you want, and anytime you want.

He caries you back to his bed without breaking the kiss, thinking about how many times he imagined this kind of moment with you again. He sat on the edge of his bed as he puts you on his lap and carefully removes your clothes. You did the same with him and you’re eyes  widened when he’s perfect body greets you. “You’ve been working out?”

“Mhmm. Since the day you sent me that sexy picture of yours, thought it might not be fair if you’re the only one who has a hot body” the thought of Mark looking forward to have sex with you again made you laugh and remove the pieces of clothing remaining in your body. You pushed him to the mattress and removed your pants in one swift move then proceed to remove Mark’s.

The kissing continues once you’re both naked in bed already, touching each other freely and boldly. Mark being on top and you laying comfortable beneath him. As the moment became more intense, the feeling of his kisses changed. It became filthy and lustful, and you want more. He took turns between your lips and your nipples, holding you close to his body. “I’ll be right back”

You try to guess how many condoms he’s going to use tonight, and to your surprise. He brought one. Only one. And somehow you get what he’s saying with that condom statement.   “One condom is enough to prove and show to you how I love you so much, then I can do it again on the next day, then again and again” he kissed your nose as he kneels in between your legs. “but if you want to finish the whole box tonight, it’s fine with me”  

“Hmm. No, one is enough for me too”

“Thought so too” he guides your hand to pump his dick and make him hard even more before he rolls the condom. He put both of his arms on both sides of your head and leaned down even more so he could reach your lips and kiss you while he fucks you. It was a feeling like any other when Mark finally pushed in. Not even Taeyong can make you feel good like this, as if every thrust is full of pleasure.  

You feel your body being dragged from the mattress because of his fast pace and hard thrusts. Eventually pulling away from the kiss for air and let out all your whines. Mark’s thrusts are sometimes slow and deep like he’s rearranging your guts, and sometimes his thrusts are piercing and fast.

“No more pretending, I love you and I will never let you go again” he said those beautiful words while he was thrusting fast and gripping your hand, bringing you to your climax.

You do love him too so much but you can’t say it out loud because he didn’t stopped thrusting until it’s too much for you that your toes curled and you shake uncontrollably underneath him, moaning his name loudly. He finally stopped and loaded the condom with his cum. You watch him removed it from his dick and throw it away but his dick still shoots some more cum on the sheets and you watch him get embarrassed.

After cleaning up, he slides under his thick cover and cuddles with you. Arms around each other saying ‘i love you’ over and over again and sealing it with hundreds of kisses.  

Story time 

During my prom, I have this friend who moved to Canada we were really good friends. He became face of the night during prom because everyone wants to take pictures with him because he’s going to leave the next day already. 

We stayed good friends we just talk everyday and he helped me through a really bad breakup and then I helped him surprise his girlfriend during valentines. (we have a flower shop and he bought expensive af flowers for the girl and we delivered it to her house) the she cheated. 

And then after six years he went home and we had coffee :))))

MAIN MASTERLIST

QUESTION? SEND A REQUEST?

[alittle-annihilation]

so i found my xanga (technically the back up now on wordpress, rest in peace xanga dot com) where i blogged/journaled from freshman year of high school to freshman year of college and just

wow

i wasnt sure if it was a good idea at first, especially considering the increasing frequency of flashbacks of the past and general terribly depressed mood as of late. but i was clearly feeling nostalgic as i was on xanga and then read every single entry.

it was heartwrenching watching it play out. but it also did not hurt as bad as i thought it would. my chest is tight and throbbing and i was holding it at one point, but i did not break down into a million pieces which i was almost certain for.

no instead it was like reading an old book where you know how it plays out, the main plot points you recall but not every single detail, but to see it relayed back to me through my voice from a decade ago. a reminder of exactly what was said and done.

whats been off putting about the flashbacks was how it was filling in pieces of my lost memories. and now reading this was an even bigger filler.

you can see where the entries go from things im up to - grades and teen spats and crushes and gossip - then suddenly every post is about hell. i still feel so bad for that version of me. you can see them breaking. the realization - but I feel as if hiding it will screw me over one day, and I’ll end up fucked up pretty badly in the future - the shift into loneliness, the growth of self loathing: the crumbling. all from the back and forth we're going we're staying we're leaving we're moving we're not budging we're separated we're together we're angry we're moving back we're divorced

it also chronicles my getting kicked out of high school, which has been weighing me down lately considering national political climate. you can see just how confused i was, just how baffled, and just how bullshit their entire argument was. with the perspective now... yeah that was fucked up.

i still wish i could have told my side and defended myself. but even now i still let the opportunities pass by.

it didn't hurt to the degree i thought i would, but i don't feel much lighter having read it. it's just facts of the past now i suppose. blogging about it felt approp

god that shit was fucked up but i have come a long way in the last 10+ years, even when there are some periods that don't feel like it.

other observations:

i both fully knew and also forgot just how obsessed i was with this basic ass white dude early on. yes i am cringing

every mention of tierra goes on to talk about how non-judgemental she is, which is how every single mention of tierra goes when i journal now. some things never change, and i am continually blessed to have her in my life.

at one point i refer to "Ms. Free Prom Dress Back Stabber with a Printer showed up with an ugly ass boyfriend and even uglier free prom dress" skfdjlafjkdsaljl OK YOUNGER ME WITH THE QUIPS. but also fuck her.

once i got on tumblr i started to cross post but i also was vague blogging so my posts literally go from naming everyone and their mother to evading an actual coherent topic that present jem is only semi picking up on

i was waaaaaaaaaaay more openly cocky and self inflating when i was a teen lmao "of course i won, i'm the more liked person of the two." screaming present me could never say that aloud

[dronezz-blog1]

"the gallery" sounds like a homestuck cutscene

[obxwritings]

☆ Wouldn’t want it any other way ☆

requested by @im-blossoming​: “Can you write an imagine where the reader confesses her love to JJ” I hope I lived up to what you wanted! Thank you so much for requesting! :) enjoy! 

summary: just another friends to lovers story because that’s my favorite trope! (fem!reader x JJ) based off of one of these! 

word count: 1,841

note: I did write this from 11 pm to about 1:30 am, so that’s something. Sorry if it’s so long! I guess I was just in a writing mood. oh also, italics mean flashback/ y/n’s thoughts so hopefully that’s clear! if not, sorry! 

masterlist of other works by me! 

If someone asked you to pinpoint the exact moment in time you began to have feelings for your best friend, you could give them the exact date and time. It was back in February of freshman year of high school. 

February 13th

You were sitting on your bed trying not to cry. Tonight was supposed to be a fun night with your friends at the high school’s annual valentine’s day dance. While all of your friends had found someone to go with at least two weeks before the dance (well, except JJ. He was protesting the dance claiming it was just another way the school was taking money from students as well as the school condoning teenagers getting “nasty,” but no one had asked you until a few days before. You were ecstatic. It had been Tyler from your English class. And while he simply asked you after class one day, you couldn’t wait. You had the perfect dress, and you couldn’t wait to show it off.  

And just as you finished your hair, you received a text from your date that was clearly meant for someone else: 

Tyler: Look, I already asked her. That was the bet we made. Do I get my money now or do I still have to take her to the dance too? 

Tyler: oh sorry wrong person. 

You were heartbroken, to say the least. You didn’t even like Tyler like that, but his text just confirmed your original thoughts: no one wanted to go with you. So there you were, sitting on your bed with your hair done perfectly while you were still in sweats and your half-done makeup. You don’t remember when it was, but your mom had come into the room and seeing your current state, tried to console you. The two of you had spent the rest of the night watching old movies and doing anything to get your mind off of the stupid boy in your English class. 

It wasn’t until the next day, the 14th, that you saw your friends again. You heard some loud noises from downstairs and went to investigate. Creeping down the stairs, you had stopped in your tracks when you saw your friends in their nicest attire hanging a few decorations around your living room. You almost weren’t going to say something until you saw JJ almost fall trying to hand a tiny plastic disco ball from your ceiling fan. 

“Hey guys, what’s going on?” you asked, startling the group. 

“There she is! We heard about what happened yesterday and wanted to make up for it.” John B smiled. “Go back upstairs and put on your dress! We’ll be done by then.”

True to their word, the pogues had finished decorating the living room when you returned. You were stunned. Upon your return, your mom came back with a disposable camera and insisted on taking pictures. After a few goofy pictures, JJ decided to get the music started and insisted on everyone on dancing. 

Following your mom into the kitchen, you went to thank her for organizing all of this. You found out, however, she was not the mastermind behind this: JJ was. 

“Oh sweetheart, as soon as he found out what your date did, he insisted on throwing a party of your own. Seems like he didn’t want his best friend to miss her special day.” she smiled at you and sent you back into the living room to join your friends. 

After a while, the others went into the kitchen to get some drinks and snacks, you pulled JJ aside and gave him the biggest hug. 

“Thanks for doing all of this JJ. It means a lot to me,” you gave the blond a smile. 

“Hey, it’s no big deal. I know you were looking forward to it and showing off that dress, which you look beautiful in by the way, so it just seemed like the right thing to do. Besides, this is a dance with a cause I can get behind! Your mom supplied us with everything and I don’t have to socialize with people from school that I don’t want to. I get to spend it with my best friend.” JJ led you to the kitchen and showed you a small vase of flowers, “I also got these for you. I figured if we were going to do this, I had to go the whole nine yards to get you to smile.”

It was at that moment that you had fallen for your best friend. You were completely screwed. 

And while that was just the beginning of your feelings for JJ, it worsened from there. In between exchanged smiles, sunset boat rides consisting of just the two of you, and slight touches such as a quick hug or hands brushing, your feelings for the blond had only grown. You were in deep and didn’t know how to stop it. There were so many nights where you had made up different situations on how to tell JJ your true feelings. However, all your made-up conversations of how you would confess your feelings to JJ all went to waste when JJ announced he had a date for the party on Friday night. 

You were bummed. Of course he didn’t feel the same way you thought to yourself. Your posture deflated and you had a clear frown on your face.  And while you didn’t mean to bring the mood of the group down, JJ could tell you weren’t feeling too good while the others argued over what to do later that night. 

Pulling you aside, JJ tried to get you to talk, but you didn’t feel like it. Not when the rest of your friend group was no more than ten feet away. You had hidden your feelings for JJ for more than a year; you could certainly hide them for a while longer. 

… 

As the clock neared midnight, you figured it was time to go home. Your mom was probably still up waiting for you to come home, making sure you got back safely. As soon as you excused yourself from the group and said your goodbyes, JJ got up to go with you. 

“JJ, you don’t have to walk me home. I am perfectly capable of walking.” 

“I can’t let you walk home alone at night, y/n,” JJ stated, “it’s too dangerous. I can’t let my best friend get hurt.”

Best friend, that’s all I’ll ever be you thought. 

“What did you say?” JJ’s question pulled you out of your thoughts. 

“Uh, what do you mean? I didn’t say anything.” 

JJ gave you a weird look, “yes you did. You said something about being best friends I think.”

Oh, so you had accidentally spoken your thoughts out loud, that’s great. 

“It was nothing, okay JJ?” you sighed and began to pick up your pace, now being more desperate to go home and escape your best friend. 

JJ was quick, however, catching up to you and grabbing your hand to stop you, “Y/N, something is clearly bothering you tonight. What is it?

And while JJ was talking, all you could think of was your best friend’s hand in yours. The thought made you want to smile, but you quickly remembered the predicament you were in. Shrugging you hand out of his, you looked at the ground thinking about how to avoid this talk with JJ. 

“Look JJ, I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“I just can’t, okay?” clearly frustrated, you took a deep breath. “I’m just really nervous. I’ve rehearsed this in my head hundreds of times, but I don’t really know how to tell you now. I don’t want to ruin anything, and I’m a little scared the more I talk and think about it. I think I just need to go home, okay JJ?” you turned from your friend and began walking again. It wasn’t until you heard JJ’s voice that you turned around. 

“Well, why don’t I do the talking then?” 

Not knowing where this was going, you just kept your gaze on the ground. 

“Y/N, I-- wow you’re right this is kinda nerve-racking,” JJ let out a nervous chuckle, “but, if I think I know what you were going to say, I just wanted to say that I really like you too. I have since you made some random comeback at Pope on the boat one day this past summer. It was nothing out of the ordinary, but maybe with the sunset making you glow and your smile, I started to like you as just more than friends. I started to notice all the small things like how you would play with your hair when you got nervous around me, how you would always ask for my sweatshirts for when we had bonfires, or even how you blush whenever I gave you a nickname. It was all those little signs that told me that you liked me back. Or at least I think. Am I reading this right still? If I am wrong, please stop me. I’m getting too sappy for my liking and --” 

You cut JJ off by rushing over to him and wrapping your arms around his neck, bringing him closer to you. You closed your eyes and closed the gap between you two with a kiss. After realizing what was happening, JJ closed his eyes too and wrapped his arms around you, embracing you in a hug and pulling you closer (if that was even possible). 

And while you didn’t want to break away, you did need to breathe. Your little high didn’t last too long though. You replayed JJ’s words in your head and moved back slightly. 

“Wait, you knew? All this time you watched me get nervous and flustered and embarrass myself in front of you and you knew? Do you know how many times I laid in bed regretting every embarrassing thing I had said? It was a lot by the way.” you huffed, looking slightly annoyed.

JJ laughed and shook his head, “Well I kind of knew. You were acting like how people normally do around those they like, but you’re my best friend; I didn’t want to risk messing that up if I was reading all your actions wrong.”

“Well,” you started, “you certainly were reading it right. I really like you too, in case you didn’t know.” 

“I think the kiss was a giveaway.”

“Oh be quiet, Maybank.” you laughed as you untangled yourself from the blond. “So, does this mean you still have that date for Friday?”

“Oh that? That was just to see your reaction to confirm my theory about your feelings for me. But, I would rather much have you as my real date for Friday instead of a fake one. What do you say?” JJ held out his hand for you and motioned to start walking back to your house. It was a little past midnight anyway. 

You accepted his hand with a smile,  “Of course. Wouldn’t want it any other way.” 

note: if you made it this far, thanks for reading! let me know how it was :) as always, requests are open! ☆

[nofighting]