#im having a day with my social anxiety esp after yesterday <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[stiffyck]

it would make sense to me that scar has social anxiety. he grew up around no one but zombies and he has no real idea how other people act and how hes supposed to act- plus i think after tcd he would get comments about how weirdly he does certain things and surprised comments about "you dont know how to do xxx thing?" etc.

i think it slowly just piles up and starts overthing a lot of things. is he eating normally? is this how other people eat? is everyone around him judging him and how he's drinking his water right now? is someone watching him try to tie his shoes right now? what if hes doing it wrong and they think hes incompetent-

stuff like that. he doesnt know a lot of things and it makes him so anxious anytime hes supposed to do something in front of others. hes been working on his anxiety but its hard. and its tiring. he has to constantly battle his own brain about normal stuff others dont have to think about.

he has to force himself to do stuff when in public because his brain is telling him hes going to do it wrong and embarass himself, even if its a small task such as taking a drink.

its exhausting having to constantly be anxious and scar is always tired. being around people makes him so tired. hes only truly relaxed and not anxious when hes just alone and he hates it. he wants to be able to hang out with his friends without being exhausted after, he wants to hang out with his friends without so much anxiety and he wants to hang out with people without getting tired of socializing

[confessions-official]

joined a new friend group around a year ago after getting out of a reeeeally bad toxic friendship, and there's a girl in this group who i have the biggest crush on. like, I've always thought she was really cool, ever since elementary school (in senior year of hs rn), but ever since joining this group and getting to know her more, I've just kept on finding more things to love abt her.

like she's so fun to talk to (esp when she smiles or laughs, it's so cute!!) and she's always been so sweet to me, and she's also really blunt, which is such a breath of fresh air after that toxic friendship (which suffered from nooooo communication, on both our ends).

it just kinda sucks that i can't like... talk to anyone abt this crush, since the only friends I'd feel somewhat comfortable speaking of it with are in the friend group, and i really wouldn't be able to handle it if she found out (my mental health's been on the rocks for years, and the anxiety i'd feel if she found out from someone else, and then talked to me abt it would prolly cause a bit of a breakdown 😭).

and sometimes i feel bad abt liking her romantically, bc even though she's gay and does like being my friend (so i know she wouldn't have a problem w me crushing on her), i still have some internalized homophobia from when i was young to work thru. plus im just not as close to her as the rest of the group, so sometimes i feel like i just dont have the "right" to wanna date her; like i dont know her as well as they do so i shouldnt think there's even a chance that she'd like me back. i know rationally that that is an ABSURD thought, and that it's perfectly fine to crush on her, but sometimes it's hard to convince myself of that. i wish i could just talk my feelings out w someone so i could be reassured that this is like... alright. that im not in the wrong for liking her. i keep trying to give myself that reassurance but it's not quite the same as it would be if it came from someone else lol.

i usually talk to my mom about this kind of stuff, bc she's been really kind and helpful w my recent mental health issues + general social problems i have at school. but i happen to be a girl crushing on another girl, and my whole family happens to range from vaguely homophobic but would prolly accept me (my mom) to violently homophobic and would kick me out of the house (my dad), so it's not exactly the safest environment to talk abt it in.

i really just wanted to get this off my chest bc it's been almost a year since i first started crushing on her and the feelings are just getting stronger as time goes on. i really am happy to have these feelings, but it does feel really lonely to have to keep them to myself sometimes. (esp after our homecoming dance yesterday... i had a blast, but i just couldn't stop thinking abt how pretty she looked in her dress, and how much i wanted to just tell her how i felt. so i kinda felt like shit when i got home but it was still so much fun to be w that group lol). if i still feel this way by the time we graduate, I'll definitely tell her then, bc i dont wanna regret staying silent; and maybe if i feel safe enough, I'll come out to my mom at some point before graduation too. i really do like this girl a lot. she's wonderful :)

(also i hope anyone who's reading this has a lovely day! <3)

.

[saintkimora]

ok here is how my dates went yesterday and the other day. the one from the other day was REALLY bad but the one yesterday was good

ok so first ill start w the one from wednesday. so caleb was supposed to come over and hang out but he called me to change the plans at the last minute so i had to rush to get ready bc he had some things to do tonight and wanted me to come along. so i was like ok. so he picked me up and first he had to go back to the job he just left (the supermarket one) bc he forgot something there. so i went and he had me go in w him and i had to meet 2 of his coworker friends. then he had to go to his waffle job to make waffles and he said it would be like 30 min max so i was just waiting in the car. it turned out to be like an hour instead. then at one point he made me come in bc he said his boss wanted to meet me so i had to meet her too. he got me a waffle and wrote “Perry <3″ on the box (an actual heart though not the sideways one) which was cute but like they dont use utensils at that store apparently so i had to wait bc i wasnt about to eat that waffle with my hands and get all sticky

then after that he decided to pick up his best friend leann. so she got in and she was v nice. then we had to go to his waffle job friend natures house bc she was in a car accident so he was checking on her and giving her some waffles. so i met nature and her friend who was taking care of her. there were 2 couches so nature and her friend sat on one and caleb sat on the other. there was a giant teddy bear on that couch so i had nowhere to sit but nature was like “just move the teddy bear” but then caleb was like no and made me sit on his lap which was soooooooooooooooooooo awkward i was just sitting on his lap while he was talking to his friend

then we left and got back in the car and caleb decided we should go to applebees bc of course he just had to add food in to the situation too. the convos in the car were mostly bw him and leann bc i wasnt being very talkative obv. so then we got to applebees and this is where the real trouble started. sitting down and eating with a complete stranger is just...a no from me. it was sooooooo awkward and uncomfortable bc i like completely shut down i was barely saying anything i only ever said like one word answers if someone directly asked me a question. i didnt order anything bc i just had dinner like 2 hours ago but even if i didnt i was not about to eat in that setting. and i felt sooooooooooo bad bc caleb was trying so hard to make conversation and pull me into the discussions but i just could not do it. i wanted it to be over so bad

so then we left and dropped leann off at her home and then caleb was driving me home. and i was being super quiet and distant and he kept asking me if i was ok and i was like yeah im fine and i was like shifting my body to face away from him and i was just staring out the window whereas usually when im with him in the car im looking at him and talking to him. so we were like a few blocks away from my house and he asked me if i was ok again and i was like im fine which was super unconvincing bc my voice was like quivering and i was like blinking back tears at this point. so i was like actually can you pull over for a second bc i want to talk to you about something. this is where the drama REALLY started. 

so. i like apologized for not being very sociable tonight and i felt like i let him down and i started crying bc i thought i like ruined our relationship and i was afraid i was gonna lose him after not even a week and i was just so upset and disappointed with myself. so ya i was like breaking down and sharing all my feelings w him and he was like comforting and reassuring me which was nice and he told me if my anxiety is acting up like that again i can just text him or something and he’ll get me out of the situation. and he apologized bc he is v social so he didnt know that like all of this stuff was so draining for me. and then we hugged and it was like the best hug ever since it was so like emotionally charged on my part.

so then he pulled up in front of my house and he was like “you know its not that late, you dont have to go home” which was nice enough but also kinda stupid bc like hello the last thing i want rn is to go out to some other public place. but i asked him if he could come in and stay with me for a little while so he was like sure. so he came in and he just like cuddled me and comforted me and stuff for like an hour and a half. it was v nice. then when i was walking him back to his car i thanked him again for being so nice and understanding and stuff and then he left. so obv the majority of the date was awful but from the point of my breakdown in the car to the end it was v nice, esp since ive never even like talked to anyone that much about my anxiety except for my therapist. and like obv i wasnt happy at the point when i was crying bc i was so upset but at the same time it actually felt kinda good bc being completely open and honest about my feelings was v liberating. then after he left i was happy and i ate the waffle he gave me and it was p good but i like almost started crying again when i was looking at the “Perry <3″ on the box bc i was getting emotional but i had to stop myself bc i did not want to ruin my good mood

so that was on wednesday. then on thursday he was supposed to come over again but instead he picked me up and first he had to drop off waffles for his brother and niece (i stayed in the car this time though). then we were driving around trying to figure out what to do which was difficult bc i am not a decisive person at all. eventually he decided to go to applebees (it was a different one though). so we ate there but it was just the two of us this time and it was way easier for me obv. he was being super cute as usual and i was actually able to talk to him this time. and it was my first time actually going out for a date that like wasnt at me or the other guys house so that was fun. and since it was applebees again i felt like the date had like a redemption aspect to it. 

then after the date we went back to my house and were just laying around cuddling again but this time he fell asleep. he was sleeping on me for like 4 and a half hours while i was watching tv. i actually enjoyed it a lot bc i loved having him sleep on me and he woke up a few times and seeing him all like sleepy and stuff was so cute.and i got to play with his hair a lot too. he left at like 4:30am so yeah this was a much more successful date than yesterday

it wasnt all good though. first of all even though i wasnt having difficulty talking to him for anxiety reasons i could tell i was still lacking in the personality department as usual. so i was starting to feel bad about that bc like i just cant be the sociable big personality boyfriend that he wants me to be so that was making me sad. the other bad thing was that before we got there he was like “hey can we pick up leann so she can be with us too?” i was like “absolutely not” like are you SERIOUS???? did you not learn anything from last night????????? its not like trying again one day later is gonna make any difference! i thought he was joking at first i could not believe it. so yeah those were the 2 bad things from an otherwise great night

[comfortmarvelimagines]

4, 5, 9, 11, 13, 16, 18, 23, 29, 49, 43, 50, 51, 53, 57, 58, 72, 93. sorry i know it’s a lot but i’m super indecisive

holy shit thank you !!! i kinda want a distraction rn so this is perfect 

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

going off what they said to my mum at parent-teacher interviews, i was disobedient (i’d finish my work quickly, go back to reading my book, and then refuse to do any additional work), too loud (i had no idea how to regulate my voice volume), and had no social skills (this actually happened. what was supposed to be a 10 minute conference turned into half an hour of the teacher telling my parents how behind i was, and my dad yelled at me for it when he got home bc ‘how i act reflects on him’. i was 10 years old). 

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

i don’t drink soda bc i don’t like the bubbles + sweetness, but when i drink water n occasionally juice i like glass cups. i reuse old candle jars as cups so they’re thick and i like when theyre cooler than plastic 

9. favorite smell in the summer?

fruit !!!! i love mangoes and bananas and nectarines and passionfruit and when im cutting them up in the morning and i smell them OOFT i am a happey. my friend got me a fruit candle so i can smell it whenever i want now ! 

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

realistically, nothing. my routine this year is WHACK and its different on different days and apparently, according to my brain, if there’s no time for it on one day then there’s time for it on 0 days. throw in the fact that im still trying to recover from my ED and its a fun mess. that being said, this morning i made myself eat; i had banana, blueberries, strawberries, a blueberry bagel with peanut butter and some coffee (and maybe it was the only thing i ate today besides some veggies for dinner but it was before 10am hence breakfast)

13. lanyard or key ring? 

lanyard. my keys are on a smashCon lanyard from last year, with a bunch of pins bc my pins kept falling off my bag 

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

cross legged (except its more like a lotus pose, im way too hypermobile). idk if its a sensory/autism thing, but i absolutely cannot sit with my legs flat on the floor, and  i dont really like chairs at all. i like my desk chair though bc its kind of like a bucket seat, and i chose it specifically bc its a perfect size for me to cross my legs comfortably and be able to work at my desk 

18. ideal weather?

sunny, but not too sunny. slight warm breeze. not so bright that there’s glare. around 21-25 degrees celsius. 

23. strange habits?

dude. i’m autistic w a bunch of other mental health and just a fucken weird personality. i got strange habits from the second i wake up to the second i go to bed 

29. best way to bond with you?

accept me as i am. understand that there are some things i do differently, especially in regards to communicating. be patient and try to learn how i connect. i promise i’m trying to meet you on your level, but you gotta meet me on mine, or else you’re gonna get the facade i put up so people will tolerate me 

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

HOODIE. i love having things on my head, so when im overwhelmed, hoodies are my substitute blanket. i’m also really picky when it comes to materials and i especially dont like anything too stiff, but i did recently buy a denim jacket that’s pretty soft so i’m trying to get used to that

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

i don’t really have one?  

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

probably something dumb that my dog’s done. he does dumb shit all the time. for example: yesterday, he was licking things when he thought i wasn’t looking (he doesn’t understand the concept of peripheral vision its p funny). i told him not to lick my brother’s guitar, which is just hanging on the wall bc he doesn’t actually play it, and its covered in dust. leon licked the guitar, and then acted all indignant that he got a mouthful of dust and stood by his waterbowl until i turned on the tap, bc apparently bowl water isn’t good enough for my princess of a dog. this is super off track but basically, my dog is really silly and he makes me laugh and i love him a LOt 

51. current stresses?

uni, the fact that i’m currently exhausted and burnout from my jobs and volunteering and study, the fact that im super isolated socially, i feel like im not good enough for my course and i dont deserve a place in it, and the fact that my mum wants me to go to the dentist but dentists are absolute hell for me and i just. cant deal w that right now  

53. what is the current state of your hands?

really short nails, and callouses on my four left fingers from strings (the short nails are also bc i scratch myself). the fingers on my left hand are stronger than my right, and i have three crooked fingers from when i broke them in separate incidents in HS. i have indents from bite marks on my left hand. my hands are super cold, not just bc its winter but they always seem to run colder than everyone else. they’re also really dry, a combination of winter and the fact that the packaging that my work uses in stock boxes makes them dry ? its really weird + also bad stim 

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

hhhhhhhi wouldn’t say i’ve fully ‘overcome’ all of these but 1. making it through high school and living to be an adult- i’d always assumed i’d be dead by 16. i spent most of high school suicidal and without appropriate help. 2. performance anxiety. this sounds dumb, but mastering this has allowed me to pursue the degree i always thought was a pipe dream, an impossibility. i’m in a place now where i’m doing what i want, something i care about, and i actually don’t regret waking up every morning because of it. 3. managing to navigate things like the crowded city, buses, work and classrooms every day. i’m a massively sensory avoidant person. post high school, i literally didn’t physically leave the house from a combination of depression but also not wanting to deal with overstim when it wasn’t strictly necessary. on one hand, i know im pushing myself a bit, esp when i get physically sick from being constantly overstim with no breaks during the week, but i’m also proud of myself for trying to manage these things now instead of doing everything in my power to avoid them 

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

i’m good at looking after my dog, and loving my dog (and he loves me back so a talent worth having. i think im good with most dogs but ESPECIALLY my dog). i’m creative; i’m a musician, i’m a visual artist, i write, i’m constantly coming up with things. my brain is good at finding connections and memorising content just by understanding. i dont really think i have anything else 

72. worst subject?

MATHS. my hs made me take it all the way to year 12 and i absolutely fucken failed it (im not kidding in year 10 my highest mark on a test was 38% and it really didn’t improve from there) 

93. nicknames?

charles, and basically any way you can wrongly pronounce my name (e.g, chorlie)

[themaryiestsuetoeversue]

so i’ve been slightly sparse lately due to a multitude of things - work got busy again and after work i’m just too tired to do anything, allergies kicking up again, chronic health issues, other things taking up my mind like video games and tabletop games, dumb anxiety about how my cat is getting older and HIS potential health problems etc. 

but there’s also a little tiny part of me that like....how do i put this without sounding like an ass...fuck it, i’m gonna sound like an ass. my actual partners willing to interact with me has dwindled. and i don’t mean mutuals and friends going on hiatus, that’s okay - because i KNOW those people will always interact no matter how long it takes.

what i mean is i keep trying to like, branch out into new partners and nobody seems to be reciprocating? like i just had to cut an entire verse yesterday because it hadn’t been used in THREE MONTHS and it seemed like nobody was interested and if nobody is interested why bother keeping it around. 

and like that anon earlier, please don’t take this the wrong way because i am happy you like reading but it just make me wonder: am i only good enough to read but not good enough to actually interact with? if it sounds like i am vagueblogging about specific people, don’t worry, i’m not because this has happened CONSISTENTLY, things like i ask someone if they want a starter, THEY SAY YES, i make one, never gets a reply. opens of mine never going answered. me sending in memes that never get answered, me making threads out of memes that never get replied to. sometimes threads - especially threads with actual plot, not dumb ones - will just get dropped after like 2 replies. people i follow not following me back - acceptable - but then their rules never mention if they’re mutuals only or not and every attempt to just INTERACT gets ignored. 

i don’t KNOW where the line is with regards to bugging someone ooc about rp related things i so i just...don’t do it and the way it seems, that’s a good choice because i’m not sure people would give me answers anymore, even to ims which are impossible to get eaten. and i will fully fucking admit that i used to just ignore people i had no interest in and hope they get the hint and go away out of fear of what they’d do if i said no. i know that was a dick move and if i ever did it to you i am SO SO sorry. because getting radio silence from people is like...when people don’t give me an answer, my first thought ISN’T that they aren’t interested, it’s any other mundane explanation for why i haven’t got a response. i don’t take hints very well, you have to be UPFRONT with me. actual communication, PLEASE. 

like i love my rp partners to death but when only a small number actually INTERACT WITH ME, it gets kind of like...like, i know there’s more people out there who can be really cool and have really neat ideas but i don’t even know how to get out there? am i doing something wrong that’s putting tons of people off because if so, i need to know so i can stop doing it? i don’t HAVE that level of self awareness sometimes to recognize mistakes when i make them. 

i haven’t made a promo in a while because last time it didn’t go very far. i’m wondering why i should even bother with a new one. 

and fyi even for those that drop threads a lot, as long as i rp with you consistently and see you replying to threads and sending me memes, thats not the problem. for people who -I- owe replies to, the issue is me, not you (and once life gets less hectic and i get over this irrational complex we will be back in business, i promise.) it’s trying to interact with NEW people that’s the issue. i have 9 drafts right now. 5 are with the same person. Of my 3 verses, i have a grand total of like 2 regular consistent partners for VAMPAU, 4 for JAPANAU, and the rest are POKEAU, with the same person overlapping for all 3 verses. (two of those partners for vampau and japanau, respectively, are not mutuals with me, because i don’t have a mutuals only rule, and yet they still show obvious interest that other people clearly aren’t??? what gives?)

I just...I want to EXPAND and yet I am forced to DOWNSIZE from lack of activity. I used to shoot out tons of replies a day and now I just get so little interaction back that my pace slowed down. I can only be as active as my partners are. (again, i understand being busy, i don’t hold it against you, this is just generalization.) Writing is a perishable skill and lately all my skills have been either stagnating or declining (esp reading comprehension.) I don’t want to lose this one too, which has been a big part of my life, and yet i can’t maintain it that well if nobody interacts with me. (rp has improv elements that solo writing does not have, plus the social interaction aspect.) 

i guess i just...i know nobody is ever obligated to give reasons - and i know my blog isn’t for everybody, which is okay! just, holy shit, if you want nothing to do with me, tell me at the very least? and a reason would actually be pretty helpful so i could know what i am doing to supposedly alienate people? thanks.