#im going to watch romantic killer for the 3rd time so i stop thinking about being itchy

[angelhound]

.

[jqekeerysgf]

"Send ❤️"

This is very much so just me writing about something i've been through but instead it's a Bucky fic. also please bare in mind this isn't me romanticising the topics in this fic, this is me facing my trauma in the only way i can.

sexual harassment is never romantic.

Pairing: fuckboy!bucky x fem!reader

Warnings: Cyber sexual assault/harassment, mentions of nudes, heavy angst, no happy ending, fuckboy hours, unrequited feelings, modern AU, kinda a texting fic, un-betad, lmk if theres any mistakes. 

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Saturday 3rd May, 10:20 pm

As you're lying in bed, your phone screen lights up. It's a notification. A Snapchat notification. You don't even have to look to see who it's from. You already know. It's always the same. Every night. The fuckboy hours. From him.

You open your phone and stare at his name for far longer than you feel you should. But you can't help it. The rush of nerves that you feel when you read his name, when you see his face is, somehow, comforting. But you don't want to be stuck in this situation, because it's tearing you apart. He's breaking you from the inside and you don't know how to stop it.

You turn your phone off.

You're screen lights up. Again. You open you phone, and see that same name, for the second time tonight. The same one as last night, and the night before that. And the same one that you'll read tomorrow, and the next night. And it's a never-ending cycle but you aren't doing anything to stop it, so you tell yourself it's all your fault because if he doesn't think it's wrong, then what's the harm?

Your phone lights up for the third time.

'Snapchat: New chat from Bucky <3'

You want to ignore it, but you're weak. Weak for him. He makes you feel helpless. Helpless, but so, so loved. So you can't help it. You can't stop it. And sometimes. You don't even want to.

You open the chat.

Bucky<3: hey, babe. how's u?

It always starts this way. Just meaningless conversation.

'not good. i don't want this with you. i cant do this anymore. i hate it so much. i feel so used and objectified all the time. and it's your fault. i hate this. please stop. please.'

You wish you could tell him the truth. But you can't. So you don't.

You: im good, u?

He replies within seconds.

Bucky <3: Pretty good, missin you though :/

Fuck.

There it is.

There's the killer.

You: aw, i miss you too buck :/

You can't help it. He makes you weak.

Bucky <3: what u wearing rn?

You: a bra and shorts. u?

Bucky: thats hot. lemme see

This again.

You don't want to. But he makes you weak. And he knows it.

You: gimme 2 mins

You go to the bathroom, lock the door, and take the video. You hate the way you turn around, facing away from the camera. You hate how you hike the shorts up just a half an inch too high. Hate how you love the feeling of his compliments. Hate what you have to do to get them. Hate it hate it hate it.

You turn around and smile at the camera, hoping for once, just maybe, he'll compliment something other than you shape, or your curves. But what can you expect? If you show him your body, that's all he's going to see. Right?

You stop the video, and watch it back. 4 times. Then, he's typing again.

You hit send and go back onto the chat.

Bucky <3: what's taking you so long babe

You: sorry, shitty wifi smh

You: its sending now

It's sent.

You've become used to that feeling of anxiety in the pit of your stomach.

He opens the snap.

You feel sick.

It's nothing new

Bucky <3: ur so hot. the clothes would defo look better on my bedroom floor tho ;)

No.

Stop it.

Please stop it.

You: i bet they would ;)

You're weak.

Bucky <3: u should take the shorts off. u wearing anything underneath?

You don't even think before replying.

You: no

Bucky <3: take em off ;)

No.

You need an excuse.

Quickly.

He knows you aren't comfortable with this.

He knows.

You: idk babe. its kinda cold in my room rn

It'll have to do.

Bucky <3: aw, please :/

You: not tn buck

Bucky <3: why :/

He's relentless.

Bucky <3: please ❤️

You: honestly buck im not feeling very good tn

Bucky <3: why? what's going on?

He doesn't care. He's just buttering you up so you'll give in. And you know that.

You: just low self esteem and stuff, dw about it :)

He can't be mad at that.

Bucky <3: i'll tell u what. take the photo.

No.

Bucky <3: don't send it to me though.

Oh.

Bucky <3: or do, idm ;)

Oh.

You: idk buck

Bucky <3: just give it a go. i do it all the time. it really helps :)

You might as well try.

You: alright

You stand up in front of the mirror.

You slowly pull your shorts down.

Maybe he's right.

Maybe it will help.

Or maybe he knows you're weak.

You look in the mirror.

And take the photo.

Your hand hovers over the 'send to Bucky <3' button.

You stare and stare and stare and stare until the picture becomes blurry and your picking out every insecurity and every flaw you see.

The severity of the situation kicks in and now you can't breathe.

You think 'just send it, make this easier for everyone'.

You almost do.

Almost.

You press the 'X' in the top left corner of the screen.

Some of the weight rested on your shoulders lifts off and floats away into beautiful nothingness.

You click back on the chat with Bucky.

You: i took the photo

Bucky <3: ass or tits?

Of course that's what he asks.

You: ass

Bucky <3: fuck. that's hot. did u save it?

You: no

Bucky <3: oh. cool cool. how do u feel now

You: a little better

You: im pretty hot tbh

Bucky <3: ur damn right

You smile. And you loathe yourself because of it.

'Maybe he won't ask anymore. Not tonight at least.' You think.

You turn your phone off again.

You grab the book you've been reading and open it up where you carefully slotted the bookmark.

11:30 pm

Your phone screen lights up for the 3rd time tonight.

You glance over to see who it is.

'Snapchat: Bucky <3 is typing...'

You tap on the banner, and the his message pops up.

Bucky <3: u defo didnt save it?

You sigh.

You: no i didnt save it

Bucky <3: thats fine

Bucky <3: is typing.....

Bucky <3: u wanna retake it and send?

Your heart is thumping in your chest.

You can feel it in your throat.

You: nah. i cba to get out of bed

Bucky <3: not even for me? :/

You: not even for you, sorry babe.

Bucky <3: maybe this will persuade u...

You: ???

Bucky <3 sent 3 new snaps

You don't open them straight away. You can't. You won't.

You stare at his name once again.

You stare and stare and stare. Until you can stare no more.

You open the pictures.

Its him. In front of the mirror. With nothing but the corner of a towel covering his dick.

'Oh god.' You think. 'What the fuck do i do?'

You click back on the chat.

You: jesus christ buck

Bucky <3: PAHAHAHHAAH

Bucky <3: what do u think?

You: i think that i wouldve liked a content warning

Bucky <3: AHAHAHAHAH

Bucky <3: so, u feelin persuaded?

You: not so much ahahah

What was he expecting?

Bucky <3: wow. ok.

You: sorry

Bucky <3: its ok

You: im uncomfy is all

Bucky <3: yeah. i get it.

You: i just dont trust anyone with anything online

You: its nothing personal

Bucky <3: babe. u can trust me with anything. swear on my life.

It doesn't feel like that. It never does.

You: i know

Bucky <3: then why wont u send

You: it just makes me uncomfortable.

Bucky <3: you can trust me. i wont show anyone.

You: i know that. i just dont want to send.

Bucky <3: alright. fine. be like that.

You turn your phone off. Fully off. Tears sting at the back of your eyes and you squeeze them shut until it hurts. You don't want to cry over him. Not again. Not after the hundreds of times previous to now. It hasn't gotten this bad before. He's never pushed you that far.

You can't deal with it anymore. He's going to tear you apart. Limb by limb. Muscle by muscle. Until there's merely the broken shell of you, which he will have free reign over. He'll have the power to do whatever he wants. And you won't stop him.

Because you're weak.