#im getting back into the grove! wish summer would never end….

[somedecrepitcryptid]

Screenshot redraw :))))

pt 1/?

Pt 2

[theluxuriansecret]

Dear Diary 07252023

3:45

Although I was feeling a little sad earlier, and then I worked out so I feel a little bit better I know that the feelings still linger. They linger, and linger. I've created a false narrative about a man in my head again. I wish I would stop attaching the love I want to receive to them. It's not fair to me. I just end up breaking my own heart. Literally a J... do over. I know I don't like him, I don't know enough about him. I like what he could be. I find his super attractive, he's so established. He doesn't seem toxic. I don't know. I guess staring at pictures of my love interests / partners and pretending that they're around is actually mentally ill behavior. I have never mentioned this to my therapist but I probably should. Every time I want to stop, I can't. Yes I can. I won't. It's a bad habit.

Anyway, I once again find myself craving this deep intimate love that I cannot find. I don't exactly know how to find it if I'm not on dating apps or in places that isn't home, work or at the club. Im crying. I need a gym membership I just am too embarrassed to go LOL. I want to be respected, seen, heard, acknowledged, understood, valued, cherished. All those other things I've been griping about. You know, the standards are not going to change.

I was having a chat with one of my friends and although I know that everyone is on their own path and timeline, some people really do find partners so much easier than others. Which is cool, and I'm happy of them but I can admit I'm also a little jealous because I wish people saw more in me. I'm not going to beg and plead for someone to take me seriously. They just will. And I'm not going to prove to anyone that I'm worth, because I just am.

I really need to get my classes in order and apply to more scholarships and start taking this third summer class more seriously. Because... I've been slacking BIG TIME. I really am just burnt out, but I'll get my grove back. I need use my coping mechanisms and get back to just doing me instead of hoping, praying, wishing, some guy would just see me and love me. God, that sounds so pathetic.