#im genuinely thinking of getting a weekend job after i finish exams. i was talking w my friend the other day and how she's worked

[minglana]

and to add on top of that. i have literally 30€ in my bank account. bc again, i do not work and i feel bad asking my parents for money!!!! useless ass almost 24 yr old

[fuckthisblog]

I need to spend more time on tumblr I forgot how calming this was.

I haven’t blogged since April it looks like so fuck...uuhhhh i used to make mini timelines on here and idek how to sum it all up but imma give it a shot for future me cause i always like to come back and read these - gonna go back in time a little to get the full covid picture but it ends with talking about the woods walk that lead to this video which brings me SO MUCH JOY

march 12th ~ last day i was at clinicals before it cancelled april 1st - online class stuff officially starts happening it probably happened before this but this is when i made a record of it. started anatomy review n shit for big ass exam april 5th - judging by my writing.. depression kicks in hard but also studying WAYYY too much every damn day april 14th ~ big deal first job interview april 17th ~ did the breakup thing, think that was the last time i wrote on here april 29th - found out big ass certification test on may 20th is scheduled for TBD ~ also found out i  got the job but awsjhcfksdjhk now certifcation is postponed for got knows when may 1st - journal says “i got to see syd and i feel better”, dont think i realized how hard the breakup feels were hittin me cause i remember casually hanging out n then suddenly crying may 13th - slept through last day of my fucking class like a goddamn depressed dummy may 18 n 19 n 20 - miss kitty to the er, and then to her nuero appointment and they think brain tumor but cant afford MRI but prednisone instantly makes her better. all the scared feels of losing her and class being done and no certification exam in sight and just general awful nothingness floating through the void (still studying way too much everyday day) seems like i saw kirk like every other weekend idk how to feel about that im the worst w clean breakups may 21st ~ technically ive graduated but it feels like nothing. also idk if he did it this day or the next but kirk dropped off flowers and a card and a you did it! smiley face thing with a grad cap on that yells YOU DID IT whenever u touch it lol may 26th ~ study sesh w shawna n jordan i know i did other study seshs w them too but idk when, and then home and parents had signs made on the lawn to congratulate me graduating, and then sydney got dropped off and we headed to rhode island may 28th ~ very interesting/bad/idk wtf mushroom trip. adderall was still in my system and i dont think my body liked that mix and then i took xanax to try to calm down but theyre not pharm approved xanax so i just lost some time but syd took awesome care of me and we laughed about this weird juicy couture dress idk even though it was bad it was great cause i was with her. i do remember petting miss kitty and she had like overlapping colored outlines and looked very ethereal and it kept me calm while syd was outside. before the trip was great too i went to ocean state job lot and syd and i made a bonfire and ate donuts n delicious coffee milkshakes honestly it was all great slept entire day after bad trip but then wokeup and immediately started studying again lmao june 1st - called the people to try to get my test scheduled but that was a no go june 4th - letter arrives can actually schedule test - schedule for 16th STUDY STUDY DIE DIE DIE STUDY DIE STUDY DIE SHdkjceshkfchsdjc june 16th - FUCKIN PASSED MY TEST june 30th - mask fitting n stuff july 1st - good hangs w syd im lucky to have her july 5th - go to the fells for the first time in FUCKIN FOREVER cause syd and lucas were going n invited me and im so happy they did swimming felt so good omg july 7th - first day o work july 10th - officially scrubbed in again, feels good, but exhausting july 21st - all nighter where connor tells me he never loved me but in the context of an actually really good heart to heart session (which weve been having a bunch of latelyp) im upset but also not at all, work is exhausting but ive started taking my antidepressants again (literally that morning lol) and i go for a woods walk n swim after, and a deer follows me in the forest and its magical and life is good july 22nd - fuckin slept through work and thats never happened so been pushin myself a bit too hard july 25th - yesterday, worked saturday w j so we’re the only tchs there and did 2 lap apps and a hemiarthroplasty and it was good but also a little discouraging idk if this career is for me

and that about brings it up to today. talking to kirk less which is good for both of us. connor and i having lots of heart to hearts n genuine friendship chats. glad thats come full circle. lucky to have syd in my life. just generally idk that bears repeating haha i love her and writing this is realized how many times i wanted to write “and then syd made everything better” - she was the first person i called after i passed my test and she started screaming for me cause she knows me and knows my past and how hard ive worked and idk just a lotta love there. im lucky. word end of things idk wtf is going on but does anybody really? hahahaha. this career is not for me and i know it deep down but ill finish orientation before i do anything. but as of right now even though lifes good it kinda feels bad cause almost everyday im sweating and shaking and in so much fucking pain for a 10 hour shift and then i come home and collapse. antidepressants are helping though. i havent been on them for the entirety of my program/job so i thought that the job just came w this sort of exhaustion. but now im remembering theres after work tired and then theres depression tired.

[dat-town]

A love story to tell the kids

Characters: Changkyun (Monsta X I.M) & You

Setting: college au, slice of life

Genre: fluff

Words: 3048

Summary: You have always dreamt of falling in love with the One in such a unique way so it would be a love story worthy of telling your kids. But you didn’t quite imagined it like this.

Totally inspired by that kindergarten episode of Monsta X-Ray. (And the mall in my town that holds all kind of exhibitions from time to time.)

Dedicated to @restlessmaknae because she deserves all the fluff in the world♥

Babysitting isn't the way you pictured you would spend your first free weekend of summer holiday. University has been stressful and all you wanted to do after you finished with your exams is to relax. Preferably alone, watching k-dramas and eating all those yummy summer food you love so much. Everything was perfectly set up for your lazy plans. So when you aunt barges into your parents’ house at seven in the morning when you are still in your pyjamas you are not happy. Not at all.

You are alone because your parents usually leave for work early in the morning, although it depends on their shifts. You mother is a nurse and you father is a doctor in the same hospital. They met there during their resident years and it’s history since then. A true love story, you believe. It’s the closest thing to love you witnessed first-hand and not in books, movies or sad love songs. The feeling itself avoided you like plague ever since college started. Or maybe you just have been oblivious to the signs.

Since there’s nobody else home, you open the door for your aunt. You are still half asleep while you listen to Bora so you barely comprehend what she says. Something about a last-minute business meeting she has to attend and that she has nobody she could leave Minho.

Your four year old cousin looks at you with just as sleepy eyes as yours and you force yourself to smile. Lucky for your aunt you adore the little guy. He’s the cutest kid you’ve ever met and you don’t even like kids. They are noisy and whiny and have the weirdest ideas about life. Okay you had your own phase when you thought you can travel back in time so you can pet a dinosaur. Still, it proves your point: dealing with kids isn’t a piece of cake and you are definitely not a mother material. You are awkward with anyone younger than ten because you can’t talk about music or books with them.

"Don’t worry, Aunt Bora, we will have a good time. Right, Minnie?" you lightly elbow Minho who seems to fall asleep on the couch in any minute.

"Thank you! You are really a sweetheart! I will come pick him up around four! Please take him to the mall, I promised him he can see the Star Wars lego exhibition. But don’t let him eat ice cream. He has a sore throat ever since the last time I let him," your aunt kisses both you and his son on the cheeks before heading out with a wave.

You plop down on the couch with a loud sigh. That’s it about your plans for the day.

Minho does fall asleep in the end but you can’t sleep in anymore. You try to act like a reasonable adult and look out for the kid. Hopefully he won’t hurt himself or di anything stupid like choke on his food. You got through your first-aid course but you wouldn’t like to perform the learned things in action. Lucky for you, you both survive breakfast and you can wash the plates in peace while Minho watches a cartoon in the television.

You play games later, hide-and-seek and car racing but the little boy gets bored of everything quite quickly. Around 10am he whines about R2D2, his favourite Star Wars character and you have no choice but to take him to the mall downtown. You only give in because your aunt said so, otherwise you'd rather be the firm but good role model for your cousin than the one that spoils kids too much.

As soon as you arrive at the shopping mall, Minho is so jumpy he can’t stay put for god’s sake. You hold his hand so that he cannot run away in the crowd. It looks like Star Wars is still popular these days. Last month’s surrealist painting exhibition didn’t attract near as much visitors. Minho pulls you from one lego statue to another and you have to admit you're quite impressed or maybe there’re coupon days now. These lego figures and spaceships look kind of cool... until the 4th round around the corner. Your little cousin seems to believe he can find new exhibits if he goes around again and again. It makes you dizzy.

After you get bored, it takes at least ten minutes to convince him to do something else. Luckily, he finally agrees with that cute pout on his face to go to the bookstore so you can finally buy that book you've wanted for yourself for so long. However, it was a crucial mistake on your part to think that he would stay put if you leave him alone in the kids’ section to read some picture book until you go to the cashier’s desk. You only let go of his hand literally for five minutes to pay for the novel but he isn’t there where you left him when you go back. It makes you panic, the oxygen seems to be too little in your lungs as you gasp for air.

"Breathe! Okay, breathe, everything will be fine. He’s just playing hide-and-seek for sure," you try to calm yourself when both the cashier and the assistant in the shop say that they didn’t see where Minho went. You ask them to keep an eye on a little kid wandering around alone in case they saw him.

You try to call your aunt what to do but she doesn’t pick up, probably because she’s still at the meeting. You are on verge of crying while you are walking back and forth on the hallways checking each store, asking strangers about your cousin's whereabouts but there’s still no sign of him. You’re about to call someone, anyone, the police or whatever children protection associations exist when someone touches your shoulder gently. You jump at the lightest touch and turns on your hills to face him just to get taken aback by the familiar face.

You definitely didn’t expect to meet him of all people on a casual Saturday in the mall. The cute guy from your Economics class who is now smiling at your startled expression faintly  and steps back not to invade your space.

"Hey, are you okay? You seem a little out of it," he comments carefully forming the words, not at all offending or anything like that. He seems genuinely interested. He must have seen that you were kind of nervous and decided to be so nice and ask about your problem. On any other day you would have brushed it off saying that everything's just fine, that he could mind his own business but hey since we met what are you doing here? However, this is no ordinary day at all and you’re desperate. Even if it means telling your problems to a university classmate who you have never even talked to before.

Im Changkyun isn’t intimidating at all but he’s a very reserved person. He seems a little distant and cold at first because he doesn’t really like strangers. But when he’s with his friends, he can be carefree and a real jokester. You had the chance to see it yourself just before your Economics exam when he tried to calm down the worrying Minhyuk with doing impersonation of their professors.

"I lost my cousin," you reply without thinking, in a pitched voice an octave higher than usual as you take in the guy’s appearance. He’s dressed casually in torn-kneed jeans, a plain tee and a pair of nice sunglasses on the top of his head. Even though his hair is a little messy, he still looks great.

"What do you mean you lost them?" he furrows his brows in confusion and even if it’s frustrating you can understand why he’s baffled. Like how can one lost a child?

"He was there one minute and not in the next," you gulp burying your face in your hands. You feel so helpless and stupid. You had one job, why can’t you do it right?

"I will help you find him,” Changkyun offers so casually like it’s the most natural thing to do. But it isn’t. So far nobody whom you talked to offered help and you can’t name any other guy from uni that would willingly spend his precious alone time in the mall to find a lost child. So to say you are taken aback by his offer is an understatement. You peek out in between your fingers to glance at his boyish face and big chocolate eyes.

“Where did you look?" your classmate inquires while he fishes out his phone to search for the mall’s online map. You are still dumbfounded how prepared and professional he sounds. Maybe it’s not the first time he does this?

"Everywhere,” you sigh so exhausted. “I have no idea where he went. Like I was in the toy shop, at his favourite Star Wars figure and... Oh my god I can't believe it. I promised Aunt Bora I will look out for him. I'm such a terrible person.”

"Shh... don’t say this. You are just human! Don’t take it to your heart,” he tries to soothe you. His voice so caring and deeper than it should be for someone his age.

“What if someone kidnapped him?" you blurt out, your thoughts running a mile a minute. Okay, you know the possibility of such thing is low but you tend to exaggerate in emergency situations and you are not amused that Changkyun lets out a low chuckle at your absurd idea.

“I’m sure he just saw something interesting and followed it. We will find him," he flashes a reassuring smile at you.

"I have no other idea where to search anymore," you shake your head because you feel like the world is crumbling around you. The hope of finding your cousin and Changkyun’s voice are the only things that keep you going.

"Then search where you did already. He can always go back, right? We should split, so we can cover a bigger area. Do you have a picture of him?" he asks as collected as one could get and you feel silly for not thinking about it.

"Yeah, of course. Uhm... I can send it to you,” you tell him, uncertainty straining your voice. But Changkyun takes your phone without hesitation and puts his number in it while you keep talking. “His name is Minho, he’s four year old, around this tall, wears a Superman T-shirt and be sure not to startle him, because he’s a real scaredy-cat."

You send him one of your favourite selfies with your cousin: the one that was taken last Easter. Minho smiling widely, his cheeks covered in Nutella while he sits in your lap. Changkyun doesn’t comment on it but he smiles briefly then he goes back to concentrate on the more urgent issue.

"Okay so we can call each other if one of us finds him, otherwise let’s meet here in about half an hour," he says and you are so grateful that he’s the one assigning the tasks because you couldn’t do it in your current mental state.

"Alright."

"Good luck and don’t worry too much! I’m sure he’s doing more than okay."

"I hope so," you agree but you can’t seem to shake that anxious feeling off of you.

You check the mall from shop to shop once again searching for a boy around waist-height and your heart takes a leap every single time you see someone who has anything in common with Minho. You have no luck this time either and when you check your mobile you can see it’s already past twenty minutes since you part ways with Changkyun. You are so out of ideas you’re thinking of asking one of the security guards if you coul check the cameras or something when the shopping mall’s tannoy system announces in loud, clear voice:

“One lost boy in Superman T-shirt searches for his pretty cousin and tells her not to worry too much. He’s waiting at the front desk. I repeat: one lost boy...”

At first, you don’t pay attention but the second part of the sentence piques your interest and you practically run to the front desk when you put two and two together. Why does he have to be so extra? Couldn’t he just call you like you agreed? You fume but the moment you see Changkyun holding your little cousin’s hand, your heart immediately softens.

“You found him!” you squeal loudly and crouch down to pull Minho in your embrace. You kiss him on the forehead telling him that you worried so much and check for injuries but he seems completely fine. You are so happy that you almost forget about your classmate standing next to you until he speaks up:

“Yeah, he was near that colourful ice cream place,” he says while bending down to ruffle up the kiddo’s hair and Minho who is usually really shy with strangers smiles at him widely. “He is a smart boy. He didn’t want to come with me until I showed him the picture you sent me.”

“But now it seems like you are getting along well,” you remark and both of you stand up to talk more casually while you doesn’t let go of Minho’s hand, not even for a second.

Changkyun shrugs, his hair falling onto his forehead. “It’s easy because he’s adorable. But I worked at a day-care last summer so I’m quite good with kids.”

“I can see that,” you nod and can’t stop the smile forming on your lips as you imagine this well-grown baby-faced guy in midst of pre-schoolers. The sight is too cute.

“Noona...” Minho singsongs as he tugs at your dress and points at the ice cream shop’s neon lights where he was found. “I want it!”

“No you can't,” you shake your head no and Minho gives you a sulky look before turning towards your classmate with pleading eyes. Oh hell, no! They have become best friends in the last five minutes or what?

“Why not?” Changkyun furrows his eyebrows in confusion, not quite taking the little boy’s side but still therefore you explain diligently:

“His mother said so. She doesn’t want him to get sick again.”

“Then what about frozen yogurt with only a small amount of the actual thing and lots of toppings? It can be fun, too. What do you say, buddy? Do you want to eat something better than ice cream?”

You have to admit his idea is pretty decent and Minho loves putting all kinds of sweets - chocolate, caramel crunch, M&Ms, gummy bears etc. - into the big colourful cup he chose. He calls it the ‘rainbow dessert’ and it’s pretty accurate. Changkyun is tagging along with you without a word and he discusses the Star Wars cartoon with your 4-years-old cousin while you pay. The cashier gives you weird looks but you’re not sure if she’s judging you or she’s just jealous. Since Minho holds onto both your dress and your classmate’s hand it might look like that he’s your child even though you both are really young.

While you’re eating each of you laughs a lot and it seems so natural that the reality of the inevitable ending of this morning scares you. But it’s midday already and you have to take Minho home to make him lunch. Even if he can’t eat anything until 2pm because of all the sweets he just ate. But every good thing has to end.

“Thank you for helping me with him today. Not just finding him, for which I owe you big time but everything else too. You made it fun, it didn’t feel like babysitting at all.”

Changkyun’s eyes look like the universe full of bright stars when he answers.

“Anytime. I had a great time. Lot better than spending my time in the arcade alone actually. Thank you for letting me tagging along.”

“Anytime,” you copy him and as you stand there you don’t know what to do with yourself. What should you say? You have no idea but luckily for you, he does.

“Hey buddy, take care of your pretty cousin, okay? I trust in you,” he crouches down to shake hands with Minho and you blush at his words. You are not so sure though that you cousin  understands what’s going on but he nods anyway and based on his sad pout he isn’t happy about going home either. Or he will probably miss Changkyun, too. Because you will, that’s sure. It’s unbelievable how feelings change under only a few hours, isn’t it? A day ago Changkyun was barely an acquaintance, just a cute classmate. But now? You are pretty sure you are developing a crush on him. You have to catch your breath when he stands up and turns to you with a cute, nervous expression on his face.

"Hey... would you like to repeat it someday? But without Minho this time?"

You blink. Did you hear right? Just the two of you? Are you dreaming? You have to make sure he’s thinking of what you think so you ask hesitantly:

"Like a date?"

"Yeah... like a date. If you’d like to," he bits down on his lower lip shyly and laughs a little.

"I’d love to," you answer maybe a little too eagerly but you can’t seem to regret it as Changkyun’s dimples are showing when he smiles.

“Then I’ll text you,” he promises, beaming.

“I’ll wait,” you can’t stop smiling either as you wave him goodbye. Who would have thought that you will leave the mall with planned date? It would surely make a love story worth of telling your kids one day... Woah, slow down girl! Already thinking about kids? What is wrong with you?

You shake your head, clearing your mind when your phone rings and you see Bora’s name on the screen.

“You called me, sorry I couldn’t answer. Is everything okay?” she asks in worry when you pick up. You look down at Minho while you walk side by side and you think of Changkyun’s smile.

“Yeah, sorry I bothered you. Everything is perfect.”

It couldn’t be better.