#im gaining weight im not happy with myself no one would like me i bet no body even thinks about me
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2023 reflection (thank god its over)
A year finishes and another comes right around the corner, eh? No but seriously, 2023 was not a good year overall. I mean, sure, there were some wins here and there which im happy about but the circustances i found myself under throughout this year was just not it. I will say this tho: i am really proud of myself for surviving this hell of a year when i at many points in time didnt think i would. Its been a year where ive spent my times worrying, stressing, and feeling lonely in the hell place 2.0, but also a year of improvement where ive gone to college and met so many new lovely people. Its been a year of letting people who arent good for me go (and sure, i can get better at this) as well as reflecting and learning from past mistakes. Some wins from this year include: surviving hell place 2.0, getting into the college and courses I wanted, passing CAP 1s (plus, getting pretty decent grades as a starting point), and most recently; getting selected for a program and a free trip to Poland.
2024 is going to be one of the most important years of my life. This is the year that decides what uni I go to, and you better bet your last dollar ill be going to a damn good one! Im going to work my ass of like no tomorrow to make sure i get what i want. I havent done all ive done, and lost all ive lost, for nothing. Ill make every last sacrifice count. 2024 is the year I stop worrying about boys or drama. It doesnt serve me, and sure as hell wont give me the results I need for uni. Work hard now, play harder later. Im only here for less than two years before leaving, so the grades I leave with is what counts. Effort, self-improvement and Hope are the words which will describe 2024.
Happy new years! I look forward to updating you <3
Pssttt! I totally forgot to say this, but you remember those 2023 goals? yeah no, they didnt happen. Except for maybe the books (i read 35!) and the nails (at some point).
My 2024 goals are:
-Read at least 35 books, gain weight, clear my skin, study every chance I get (at least 3 hours a day), get a minimum of 1520 on my SAT, get predicted (minimum) A*A*A, workout once a week, and drink 2L of water a day.
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How Did I Fall For Unwritten History?
So Iâm in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If she was a drug Iâd take it . She grounds me . She makes love to my mind , heart , and then my body . Her way of words sometimes makes me feel stupid because she uses words I cant imagine using . My vocabulary aint that big . But ask me about math or science ? Iâm definitely ya girl . She was my missing piece . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but Iâll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes â a return to sender kid â I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met .
But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesnât want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side .
Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didnât .
Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam Iâm gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending .
Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasnât the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace .
Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , Iâm sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock .
Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the â talking â phase and just filling each other out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our mutual friend , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . â butt clouds â and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack .
Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasnât forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .
We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didnât wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete failure in the relationship .
I wasnât able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept making promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I deserved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldnât . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didnât know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal .
But now , Im better than I was still struggling though . Â But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . Iâm not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .
But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things Iâm good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health .
Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude . But I will play the hand Iâm dealt . Maybe I will win and marry the woMAN of my dreams . Or maybe I will just fck it up once again . We Will See .
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â me, me and nothing else.
requests: Could I ask for HCâs on how the RKâs would react to a female s/o who presents them self as masculine (clothes, hair, ext) but still identify as female
I'm so in love with your writing!! How would the android bois react to having a short s/o who is fearless and runs head first into dangerous situations and loves to playfully refer to herself as "the man"? idk it just seems like a funny scenario to me Haha
You can ignore this if you like but can i request the rks with a s/o that gets into a pretty decent amount of brawls? or at least is really really good at hand to hand combat? thanks a lot if so!! no worries if not!!! love your work btw! <3
maybe the rks and a reader whos always covered in bruises and bandages cause theyre always getting into fist fights or what not? i have a love for brawl-y readers
obviously this wouldnt be possible in canon BUT if youre down could i get the rks reacting to their s/o being really really strong? like kratos-flipping-a-temple-strong?
sorry, but can you do hcs for 900? basically, the s/o is very competitive and tries to be better at sports than 900 even though he is an android. i think it'd be cool.
ah yes, the usual self-indulgent shit ⢠because im old enough for it
Connor:
⢠starts to adore social events ⢠partly because of his programs and his nature ⢠but mostly because whenever he sees you with a button-down shirt and a tie his heart skips a beat ⢠how the fuck can you be so charming with masculine clothes HE CANâT he doesnât compute!!! ⢠you must know magic to look so wickedly good ⢠will fight anyone who says something negative about you ⢠no one should feel the need to criticize you over stupid customs like a code dress ⢠he really doesnât get them, not only because heâs an android ⢠but ahh itâs obvious that itâs not necessary for him to be so protective ⢠gosh youâre tiny but totally capable of handling matters on your own ⢠deep down heâs aware BUT still youâre his baby!! he doesnât want bad things to happen to you ⢠people sometimes wonder why heâs full of medicines, disinfectant, band-aids ⢠is he a robot or a first-aid kit? ⢠and he canât help sigh and roll his eyes ⢠why do they even need to ask? he needs them for his man ⢠youâre a little rascal and?? heâs unable to be mad at you for long ⢠THIS robot is whipped let me tell ya ⢠yes donât worry he will cut your hair whenever it grows too much ⢠let him download a couple of softwares and heâs ready ⢠if you want to dye them just say so heâll have tons of fun!!
RK900:
⢠patience thin as your hairâs length ⢠NO you canât NO NO NO PLEASE NO GOD NO PLEASE UGH ⢠this is your last pack of band-aids, use them wisely he wonât buy you any more ⢠who is he kidding, he has a whole pharmacy in his pockets ⢠yes, hello kitty girly plasters as a punishment since you wonât behave ⢠too bad he played himself theyâre too cute on you ⢠fuck heâs totally sold for the bruised tomboy look what have you done to him ⢠âwanna betâ ⢠âwhatâ ⢠âi can beat you at wrestlingâ ⢠âIâm,,,, literally double your size, double your weight and an androidâ ⢠âyeah thatâs why iâll give myself a handicap, so that i donât hurt youâ ⢠heâs crying sm ⢠should he feel proud? should he feel concerned? surprised? aroused??? WHICH IS IT ⢠ok itâs def a mix of everything above because wow did? you?? just? pin him??? ⢠FINE youâre strong he admits that ⢠but youâre still not allowed to get into fights!! ⢠he will fucking pick you up and get you safely home ⢠he knows you can defend yourself but not gonna risk it ⢠super weirded out by how much force can be in such tiny body but ugh thatâs his jam allright ⢠âcan you stop stealing my clothesâ ⢠never stop doing it heâs annoyed bc heâs too turned on by it ⢠âbut theyâre comfyâ ⢠oversized to the max but nvm! ⢠âbut you could put on something more adapt to your shape?â ⢠âmy shape is that of the man of this relationshipâ ⢠and you say it so casually heâs,,,, ⢠âplus, they smell like youâ ⢠he might be blushing but you donât pay attention to that, too focused on kissing his pretty face ⢠he breaks the kiss and dreamily looks at you ⢠âyouâre the little man of the relationship in any caseâ ⢠can you fucking just jdkldjdlkj ⢠âand youâre the big one? fair. weâre a happy gay couple now.âÂ
RK800-60:
⢠positively encouraging you!! ⢠from exercising with you and letting you spar with him ⢠to the point of giggling when you call yourself âthe manâ ⢠he always reply by naming himself âthe wifeâ ⢠which makes people p perplexed but makes you two laugh ⢠of course itâs shopping and hairdresser together ⢠i mean he doesnât have any business there, he only sits waiting for you ⢠yeah donât worry you can totally engage in physical fights ⢠humans can be repaired anyway ⢠fuck no thatâs androids he got confused for a second ⢠ABORT MISSION PLEASE DONâT GET HURT ⢠thank god youâre short he can still restrain you with a firm embrace ⢠while youâre cursing and heâs holding you his head is able to process a single thought ⢠âis this what having a feisty cat feels likeâ ⢠donât,,,, make it difficult ok you gained a good hug out of it ⢠he puts band-aids on himself too so you match ⢠they look cool on you they should have the same effect on him ⢠WRONG ⢠theyâre extra cute on him wtf you canât stop smooching that dorky mug
#i shouldnt even be allowed to post this it's me making out with my boyfriends#DBH#dbh connor#connor x reader#RK900 x reader#RK800-60 x reader#connor#dbh RK900#dbh RK800-60#RK900#RK800-60#RK800 x reader#dbh RK800#RK800#detroit become human#writing#self-insert#headcanon#requests#tomboy#dbh imagine#android#nines#dbh nines#dbh nines x reader#nines x reader#power couple of the DPD#tomboy!reader
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Head First
Angry, confused, and bitter Trinity grew hate for the man that left her with this seed. She tried to get rid of it 4 months ago, thinking life would be back to normal. She would work out a lil bit, lose the weight and go slap Shawn back to his senses. But it didn't happen that way. In fact, she had met a new man. Long dreds, shining gold teeth, tattoos everywhere, and gave her more dope then she can handle. When they first met she got fucked up at a party. Trying to forget about Shawn. Trying to self abort the baby. The internet said drinking and partying can terminate pregnancy. But this baby was worse than the roach that wouldn't die. So when she met Junior, at the party and realized he was actually an enemy of Shawns, she decided to spill the beans on how grimey he is. See, back in the day Shawn fucked Juniors ol lady. She had twins. And he never got over it. He was always down to hurt Shawn in some sort of way if he could. But Shawn was not to be played with. You really got to catch him sleeping. And he never sleeps. Knowing how careful she had to be to get Shawn back, she told Junior he got her friend pregnant, and she wants to fight her to make Shawn mad. "Nah man." Junior said. "That's dumb. One thing he care about is his kids. Give her this sack." he said as he threw it at her. "If she still pregnant and he know about it that mean he gon let her have it. But give her this sack and I bet she wont birth shit. Dat nigga gon boo hoo cry booyyy I cant wait to see his ass hurtin ol puss ass." he grinned. She had never done drugs. But this could end it all. And get revenge on Shawn. "This shit aint gon have me, I just need to get this situated and im off this shit." she told herself as she smoked the dope in her car. The high hit her so hard she passed out and woke up to Junior knocking on her window. "AYE! TAKE YO DRUNK ASS HOME MAN ITS 6AM!" Lowkey ashamed she got it together and rolled the window down. "My bad man. Aye I think I lost that sack gimme one more man my bad that Ciroc is on me." Junior knew the look that high gave people. He had gained a customer. He smirked and said "Mhm here. I'll fuck witcha." He walked away rapping to himself, knowing she would be back. And just like clock work, she was. Every other day. She couldn't help herself. It felt like the perfect escape. Before she knew it the end of the year was approaching. By this time shes almost 9 months along, and made a fool of herself every time she attempted to talk to Shawn. The holidays were approaching, so she decided to spend some time with the only people who would love her, even when she didn't love herself. "You know I be missing you why you only come when its food?" her daddy pinched her cheek. She laughed and kissed his bald head. He adored her. A preacher that could make hell shake but would cry when they got whoopins. He had a heart of pure gold. "Make sure you wash your hands and change your shirt before you help with this food. Why you got on them big ol clothes anyway I thought you were out of that tomboy stage...?" her mother teased. She had always been a chubby girl that could rock boy clothes and still be cute. Trying not to do anything that signaled her dishonesty she replied "mama you know I like TLC this how Lisa Left Eye dresses." laughing and doing a twist of her hips. "Mhm. Ya look more like Lisa Left & Lost It but okay. Yall think im dumb." she mumbled. That was it. Mama knew. And she knew mama knew. But aint no way she was gon admit it. Not around the other family members anyway. She and her sister Melodie were close and they always had been. She began to worry about how she would react knowing there is a whole baby being hidden. They told each other everything. But this one Trinity had to deal with on her own. She was determined not to say a word. She hadn't even gone to the doctor the entire pregnancy. She had a plan. All she had to do is wait it out. The time was near. She felt it in the pressure her lower belly was experiencing. The sharp pains in her back. It was close. And she was ready. She tried to quickly walk away so mama wouldn't see the shame on her face, but Uncle Leroy caught it. "She pregnant! And out of wedlock at that! Told yall she should have came to that shut in service we woulda been praying that lust demon right on out of her!" he blurted out. Overwhelmed with rage and embarrassment from his statement putting her on blast she shouted back "SHUT UP! THIS WHY I DONT COME WHEN YALL ARE HERE! MIND YO BUSINESS! AINT YOU ON WIFE NUMBER 3? YOU ALWAYS BEING JUDGEMENTAL AND RUNNING YO MOUTH! I CANT STA.." "HUSH GIRL!" Mama interrupted. She knew how Trinity felt about some of the family. And she understood. But disrespect she could not condone. "Go sit on my bed baby. Rest ya nerve, hea?" she softly spoke before she kissed her forehead. Already too embarrassed she picked up her purse and walked out. "Where you going? Its Thanksgiving you not gon stay?" her mom yelled from the screen door with her hands on her hips. "No mama im sorry. Happy Thanksgiving. Tell Melodie I love her." she said trying not to cry. Putting the car in reverse she thought about her plan one more time, reminding herself that she has every reason to follow through. She drove 4 hours back to the apartment she shared with a friend and laid down. She felt so uncomfortable. But tried to fall asleep anyway. Thinking she had to pee, she jumped up heading to the bathroom. "EEEW What the fuck why cant I hold my pee?!!" The liquid was running out of her faster than her feet could run to the toilet. Finally she got in the bathroom, slipping on the wet spots she was making with her trail. She sat on the toilet breathing hard, dizzy, and feeling like she had to take the biggest shit. "I aint had cheese in months I know im not constipated, this shit hurts what the fuck?" Within her next breath a contraction hit, and she became aware of what was happening. Eyes growing big and knees starting to shake, she wiped as much of the liquid as she could. She ran to her closet and pulled out her dirty clothes bin. Behind it was her bag, packed with an extra change of clothes for her after she delivered. She put the bag in the passenger seat and drove to the hospital. She sat in the parking lot for a few minutes, trying to get her mind right before going in. "Lets go Trinity. You got the plan figured out." She thought to herself. Taking one more deep breath as the contraction passed, she got out and walked into the emergency department. A blue eyed blonde haired lady grabbed her hand and said " I know that look you're in labor. Come on I just cleaned out this room. We need to take vitals and get you hooked up on a monitor. How ya feeling?" Starting to wobble from all the pain Trinity mumbled "Im fine." In reality she was far from fine. It felt like the baby was right on the verge of coming out. "Ms. I have a question." She stammered. "When I have this baby how long will it take to get parents to pick it up? You can give me the papers now & by the time it comes out a mama and daddy should be here right?" she almost smilied thinking this was the perfect solution. That was her plan. Just give it to somebody. Its always commercials about people wanting kids. It was a no brainer. Laughter snapped her out of her happy place she had briefly found. "No honey. Bless your heart. That takes time. You should have began that process when you found out about the baby." she continued laughing. "Unless theres a case of accidental death, looks like you're stuck with this one! My assistant will check on you soon, then we will see about managing your pain with an epidural. Sit tight." she closed the door. Hearing those words took Trinity from panic to desperation. Now she had no idea what to do. She played it cool until the nurse walked out. "Ok think bitch THINK!" she said out loud as she leaned back on the bed. "This slow hoe saying accidental death what the hell lady?! Be for real! That's not an option." she smacked her teeth. A pain hit her belly and she put her hand down on her butt. "What the...am I shitting on myself?! OUUUCCHHHH! OH MY GOD AAAH!" She laid back and reached further down and realized....that's hair...The baby was there. And it was coming out. "Oooooh ssshhhiiiit. Ooooooh shhiittt! Shit! Ssshhiiiit!  Ok. Chill Trin." She laid quiet, thinking of a new plan. "Knock, Knoooock" A nurse came in. " Just making sure you doing ok. We cant have you pushing out the baby alone we want both of you to make it okay sweetie? I will be back soon." The smiling nurse walked back out. "We want both of you to make it." Those words were ringing in Trinity's head like monkeys with symbols. "I got it." she said. She put her phone in her purse and put her bible in the bottom of it. She couldn't look at it knowing what she was about to do. She looked around the room once more, and laid down. Spreading her legs open she held on to each side of the bed, shut her eyes tight and began to push. She heard what sounded like water balloons hitting the floor. Growing fearful that her time was ticking and the nurses would catch her, she bit down on the sheet and let out a scream while pushing her absolute hardest. Feeling like her heart would explode, and her whole body shaking, finally she felt the release. The baby was out. And falling to the floor. Head First. Â
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Larissaloki homelife rants
Ok this is a major rant to get things off my chest and f have trigger warnings for suicide and depression and such things, dont read. Ps this post i an absolute mess of a rant.
Ok so Iâm only 2fucking4, and i am already wanting life to just bloody end. Literally life is killing me. Not to be a whiny millennial but life is fucking difficult for any singular person to get by. Everything in governments are pretty much based (at least it seems in the uk) on relying on a good network of people around you.
I have a loose network of people and none i can depend on financially. I mean this as nicely as possible and ill explain why. My best friend that help me is dealing with trying to find her own way in life and save money and i working nearly all the time to get by. All grandparents are either working full time still at their age or medically unable to help out.
When i was childless i had an ok life but i was still with mum unable to save up to move out. At least not by myself. But i had plans for uni out of my home county. Courses that require me to not be pregnant.
I fell pregnant as contraception failed me. The guy i was with didnât want kids but Iâm against abortions unless needed. I was medically healthy and at the time i had lots of support from my mum so I made the decision to keep. I managed to get a fairly good job that worked around my lifestyle and my mums hours and was coping great.
Then things slowly fell apart. My mum kept changing hours to the point i was unable to have a stable baby sitter for when i needed to work. The other grandparent works full time and so would be unable to help. So i regretfully had to resign from work to stay home.
Now a lot of people see to think people on benefits live great lives and have lots of money. No we donât.
Bills still need paying. They rack up while your waiting for said benefits to go through. I already suffer anxiety and depression and this just really set me off. Ive only been on benefits for 1 year and a half but i can already see the difference in spending. When i first started i could spend 30 out of my 60 I get a week for minimum amount of food and the rest for bus fair for appointments or to get around as i had a child in a buggy. The rest went on bills and replacing things that seemed to keep breaking and my rapidly growing child (i got a further 70 from another benefit a week which wa used on the stuff i just mentioned) i never had extra one so Christmas was a far off dream and pretty much sucked. I never felt so bad as unable to get anything great for my kid other than a few small items or cheap stuff or had my mum help me with.
Over the course of my time on benefits Iâve ended up spending more on food weekly as food prices (often nearer to 60-70 a week now) or bus fair rises (3;50 to being 4 pounds). My benefits donât. From before where i had no extra money to begin with Iâm nowhving to try and rebudget.
Over the course of the year my laptop broke that i use to battle depression by writing and job searching. My phone has broken and at the moment Iâm burrowing old models from my best friend. I own literally nothing. Yet these things are required to be able to function in everyday society. I cant use library much as it requires bus fair to get to each day if i wanted to go and. Canât go in each day anyway with a child that refuses to stay still. My son is energetic and even at 3 doesnât sleep through the night. Wakes up 5;30 each morning at the moment.
As it is Iâm sat at home each day every day wondering how the fuck am. Going to adjust next week money to pay so so bill?! Im already spending nearly 15 on jut electric alone at the moment. 12 for tv license, 40 for water and 10 for gas and finally 20 for council tax. Take in what i earn above plus adding once a month I get 80 which. Use for my water bill and bus fair each month.
All this is before i even get to my actual tv packages which are basic and my phone contract to be able to keep on the net and contact with family members that all live outside of my county.
If I didnât have my son right now i honestly would have given up on life. Iâm just tired of just fuckng going hungry to make sure my kid if healthy and happy. My body has pretty much gone into survival mode where every bit of food i do eat is stored in me making me actually gain weight even though i eat like a mouse!
Iâm fucking tired of government trying to make it worse by cutting back certain benefit and yet giving themselves wages that rival footballers.
My son i what keeps me going his cheeky smiles and love and innocence gives me life to keep on. My bet friend also deserves thanks as without her support despite her own struggles and buying me food every now and again i would not be driven to do certain projects or would of had complete meltdowns. Bless zachâs other grandma that helps us as well when she can an buyâs us food occasionally.
Donât take those that help you for granted. Cherish those that offer a hand despite everything else.
#larissaloki#life#depression#anxiety#stress#money problems#hell on earh#we live in a dystopian world#suicide thoughts#mum life
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The Story of How I Fell In Love With Unwritten History
So Iâm in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but Iâll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes â a return to sender kid â I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met .Â
But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesnât want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side .Â
Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didnât .Â
Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam Iâm gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending .Â
Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasnât the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace .Â
Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , Iâm sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock .Â
Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the â talking â phase and just filling eachother out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our friend Ladaya , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . â butt clouds â and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack .Â
Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasnât forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .
 We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didnât wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete faliure in the relationship .Â
I wasnât able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept amking promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I desrved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldnât . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didnât know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal .Â
But now , Im better than I was still struggling though . But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . Iâm not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .
But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things Iâm good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health .Â
Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude .Â
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A somewhat shorter version of my life
I come from a broken home , my family fight , we scream and shout and get very angry we hurt each other with words, words we canât always take back ,
Growing up was never easy , surrounded by violence and hatred, the feeling of being loved less than everyone else . Not knowing why my dad didnât want me . Not knowing why my mother cried in her room on the floor . Why she was always so angry.
Moving town after towm built me and broke me , I have been so many different people , I have built myself up to be broken so many times , I explored a the life of drugs and alcohol cause the pain I was suffering everyday was so unbareable that I needed something to make it go away.
I have been beaten and bruised , wished my life away so many times , being controlled by a tiny piece of metal that didnât even seem to hurt as much as it should have . Hospital visits , upon doctors appointments followed by years of counselling that never made a difference , different medications that are sworn to âhelpâ but only made me feel more like nothing than I already felt , like my whole personality was just taken away from me .
Different men in my life that are supposed to be role models but only make me question the human race , who beat up my mam and shove me into walls and touch my leg. Make my little sister wet herself cause she was so scared , a man a man who was trusted to come into our lives and supposed to 'loveâ our mam but only to smash a lamp across her head, for me to climb out my window in fear and for us to have to drive so late at night to a family friend just so weâre safe.
Counless times Iâve experienced things not even some adults have seen . The love for my family that I had slowly started to fade the trust I had in them was gone and the people who were supposed to make a 13 year old feel didnât exist .
From being bet by family and bullies and having fake friends , to feeling suicidal every now and then to it being all I thought about . Every minute of every day. That tiny piece of metal became my only friend but when my sister found our she felt obligated to tell my mam and of course we already know she didnât handle it well she frightened me into promising 'oh it was a one time thingâ I donât think she actually believed this was true but In her mind she was â parenting rightâ she picked up a sisscors and proceeded to slit her own wrist only to tell me that I done this.
So when she noticed I hadnât stopped this she fucked me off to live with my dad who I knew nothing about , he never wanted me growing up so why now? I couldnât understand how he cared now or at least I thought he did .
A few weeks later it was new yearâs Eve in a town where I didnât know anyone I didnât know who I was. I wished it right there and tried to end my life.
I woke up the next morning with the worst feeling in the world , and noticed that nobody had even come to check on me , knowing what had been going on in my life but that was the moment I realised that nobody cared , I was alone in the world with nobody there .
I started school with one friend who became more like a sister than a friend , friendship so close that went up in flames . As I sat in the office waiting to be shown around it was around 9:15 I watched all these people pass me , staring I felt shame , I wasnât sure why I felt it but itâs what I can only describe as shame , a girl walked in and I got this feeling that I hadnt felt in a while , not since my first crush on my bestfriend.she walked straight past me didnât even look my way blue hair and the ugliest shoes Iâve ever seen. She just had this presence about her that made me wonder .
We kissed in the bushes and it all started from there , that summer I was in a relationship with a girl, something that I had always been closed off about sharing with people , but everyone knew I guess my poker face wasnât great.
Months went on of being broken up with so she could sleep with someone else , wasnât a healthy relationship in any form. I ended up hospital for a week cause I had a nervous breakdown at 14 , the doctors saw the skin on my arms didnât exist and in itâs place was hundreds of cuts that left scars that never faded .
I was seeing a girl who I cared for so much , I went away for the summer to see my best friend we rarely seen each other and she understood memore than anyone and something changed me forever that still haunts me to this day , some boy who I thought was a 'friendâ sexually assaulted me in her motherâs room , blood pouring down my leg , he cut me with his nails and told me I wanted this , even though I proceeded to say 'NOâ and begged him to stop and cried , he proceeded to tell me I wanted it , he made me feel like it was my fault. I couldnât bear it . I swallowed some pills any that I could find and drank some vodka that burned my throat . It didnât work. I ended up leaving the girl I was seeing because I felt like I had done something wrong. I couldnât get close and I was distant .
Coming up to my last year of school still struggling to unfriend that shiny piece of metal I meet my first boyfriend who seemed to be the best thing in the world only to be a prick who put drugs before me and didnât know shit , who went on to treat me like I was nothing , thatâs when my anxiety started to get bad , panic attack after panic attack I didnât know who I was , only to be broken and loose all sense of control I had. He made me feel like I was going to die without him , completely controlled . I had to move town to get away from him because he seemed to think he had the power to say im not allowed break up with him .
I started college and everything was great I figured so much things out , ironically I studied psychology . Selfish it seemed I was doing it more to understand myself and the people who hurt me.
I was living with a mate from school who I soon realised I didnât want to be her mate , we were too alike . But she lies.
I lost myself , taking drugs and drinking the equivalent of my body weight in vodka every week , during the week , whenever I could , I wasnât stable but I felt happy , I started sleeping with people , I had only ever had sex with a man once before this , it wasnât for me , I didnât see any appeal to it .
I had no respect for myself . I didnât care if people weâre using me , I couldnât feel anything , I met my best friend who made me feel everything made me feel love again and helped me to realise that maybe I donât deserve what I put myself through. We promised we would always be there and regardless of the times I fucked him over he was always there ,still now.
I lost friend and gained some , I traveled from group to group as my personality changed , I trusted when I shouldnât have and didnât trust when I should have ,
Then I met him. I met someone who changed everything , he is utterly the one person in the whole world that breaks me but also builds me back up , thatâs not good is it? Someone having so much control over your emotions , someone who said they loved me and made me feel more than Iâve ever felt. Someone who I knew would never hurt me the way I had been hurt in the past but I was struggling when I met him , that little shitty piece of metal was back in my life and somehow they made me forget about it .. I fell head over heals for him , I moved back home to my mam for the summer leaving him but we promised we would wait.
We found our way back but I had grown so much over the summer and gotten so far with myself , I felt more and cared more. We loved each other so much , but one day he woke up and decided he couldnât say it anymore , even kiss me , he would sleep in my bed with his back facing me , no affection no love , it tore me into a million pieces , and the only excuse was â I donât knowâ and made me feel I done something wrong. I fell straight back into my back hole of depression where I never seemed to easily come out of .
My life has been a whole load of heartache so how can I cry over someone who 'doesnt want me' is it just selfish to love people when I can't even love myself and my life . Spiriling out of control and not knowing where to go. It's sad when you have so much love in your heart but it expresses like hatred.
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Updated jan 17th 2021
01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
-No, dad left when I was 2 and I dont seems to be able to get along with mom
- no, havent spoken to my dad in about i year I believe and my relationship with my mom went to shit after she found out im gay.
02: Who did you last say âI love youâ to?
-Uh, my bestfriend
- my girlfriend:))
03: Do you regret anything?
- Yes, a lot
- yes, but it let me to where i am now so I wouldnât change anything
04: Are you insecure?
- Rarely
- I gained a shitton if weight and ive never hated myself mire
05: What is your relationship status?
- Single
- takennn
06: How do you want to die?
- Not painfully, not publically
- loved
07: What did you last eat?
-Colada de maizena (bet yall don't know what that is )
- broodje kaas
08: Played any sports?
- Swimming, dance, karate
- been trying to run and reach myself ballet
09: Do you bite your nails?
No
No
10: When was your last physical fight?
Day before yesterday (play fight)
I canât remember
11: Do you like someone?
No
My gf
12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?
Noooo
Almost
13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?
No, but almost
Idk, i might
14: Do you miss someone?
Lots of people
Yess absolutely, my friends and my gf
15: Have any pets?
No :(
Still no :( hopefully ill get a gecko or a rat soon
16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?
Contempt?
Quite happy
17: Ever made out in the bathroom?
I think so?
I assume i have at some point?
18: Are you scared of spiders?
Nah
Nah
19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
No
Yea, just to watch (if it doesnât change the present ofc)
20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?
Khe
At my house?
21: What are your plans for this weekend?
No plans, I have no friends
No plans, i have no friends
22: Do you want to have kids? How many?
I don't
Uhhh might adopt 4
23: Do you have piercings? How many?
3
4 (soon to be 5)
24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?
English, spanish, biology
^^
25: Do you miss anyone from your past?
I do
No, not anymore
26: What are you craving right now?
Love
The feeling of not hating how i look
27: Have you ever broken someoneâs heart?
Yes
Yes
28: Have you ever been cheated on?
No
No
29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
Yes
Yes
30: Whatâs irritating you right now?
Work
The distance between the love of my life and i
31: Does somebody love you?
Yea
Yes
32: What is your favourite color?
Lavander
Lavander, baby blue
33: Do you have trust issues?
Noo
Not at all
34: Who/what was your last dream about?
Ab a store that had a huge sale but only for locals
A weird haunted house / museum where they try to kill you
35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?
My bestfriend
My girlfriend and my two best friends
36: Do you give out second chances too easily?
Yes
Yes
37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive
Forgive
38: Is this year the best year of your life?
No, its the worst
Yea, actually it just begun but it might be
39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?
5?
^^
40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
Noook
Noo
51: Favourite food?
Chinese food, lasagna, tacobell
Kapsalon and all of the above
52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
No no no no no no no and no
Absolutely not
53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Watch tv
Watch a yt vid
54: Is cheating ever okay?
It's not that big of a deal to me
Not okay, but idrc
55: Are you mean?
I often am
Sometimes
56: How many people have you fist fought?
0
0
57: Do you believe in true love?
Yea ofc
Yes
58: Favourite weather?
Sunny and windy
Sunny but not hot
59: Do you like the snow?
Never seen snow :(
I SAW SNOW FOR THE FIRST TIME TODAY i think i do, its very calming
60: Do you wanna get married?
absol6
Oooffccc
61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
Can be cute
If im with you then yea
62: What makes you happy?
The people around me
Food (hence why im fat), singing and my loved ones
63: Would you change your name?
Never
It has crossed my mind but no
64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
Yes
No
65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Hahah idk haha
Tell them to fkin stop
66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?
Yessss
Yesss
67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
My bestfriend
My best friend
68: Whoâs the last person you had a deep conversation with?
My bestfriend
I canât recall
69: Do you believe in soulmates?
Yea
Mhm
70: Is there anyone you would die for?
A few people
Yes
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