#im frustrated i cant do more and im tired and my mental health is only getting worse with guilt i cant control

[dimonds456]

Gonna take a break from Tumblr for a while, I think. My mental health has been plummetting, and I need time to get back on my feet.

Though a large part of it is definitely the on-going genocide, my eyes are still on Palestine. If I reblog anything in the next few days, it'll more than likely be either personal stream stuff (huge maybe on that) or Palestine news.

I'm okay, I'm not going to do anything drastic, I just need to take a step back and take a breath. If anyone needs me, DMs are good, or if you can reach me on Discord that would be better.

See ya when I see ya. Eid muburak.

-Dimonds

[spectrum-core]

STEPHCLAIR IS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD

Alternative title: a very angry (and tired) Full Stop fan's thesis.

ok, so me being the stephan/sinclair comparison's strongest hater is a bit i really like to lean into, but for the sake of keeping things semi-serious i will try to keep the actual essay content as free of me ranting my frustrations as humanly possible (which i mean commitement to the bit aside this will be hard bc it is frustrating to see people calling them both the same character, at best it shows a very surface level understanding of either character and at worst it shows just reducing them to cookie cutter meme fandom archetypes neither character actually fits into, so bear with me if i slip up and make unserious comments from time to time)

so before i start the actual essay let me say this: this essay doesnt even scratch the surface of how much i hate this comparison you guys cant even possibly fucking imagine ive been obssessed and i mean OBSSESSED with the full stop office since 2021 and im glad i wasnt in the limbus prerelease fanbase because if i had to see people comparing my beautiful boy and beloved best friend to a guy we had no info about other than "hes based of the guy from demian" i would have turned into the joker this is not even about saving my own mental health this is about sparing the entire pjm fandom of the monster i would have turned into

spoilers for ruina and limbus, universe terminology heavy and surface level references and interpretations of demian by herman hesse because imma keep it real with you guys the first and only time i read that book i was still in high school and i barely remember shit.

Table of contents:

Stephan - a summary

Sinclair - a summary 2.1. Emil Sinclair in Demian (1919) 2.2. Emil Sinclair in Limbus Company (2023)

Addressing common arguments

1.- Stephan - a summary

And of course I will start with Stephan, because I love him very much, just like Liwei he's one of my favorite pjm characters (yeah i like him more than your favorite popular character don't ask) so it's not surprising that i have A Lot to say about him, right?

And of course, I do.

As I said in the serrated duo post, a core part of my perception of the Full Stop office depends on the fact that they are poor. Mentions of money are common all across many factions in the game, yes, but the Full Stops are extremely constant about money, how taking a wrong turn means losing more than they can afford, how they can't afford to drop their weapons because they were too expensive, how even getting the permissions to be able to buy and wield these weapons was ridiculously expensive and so on. Of course, Stephan is the one talking about this the most (something I will elaborate on later), but Liwei and Tamaki also make a few ocassional mentions to it in their dialogue and keypages and considering this is a shared business it just makes sense that this is something that affects all of them.

These are just some few of the callbacks to money that Stephan alone does in his dialogue, without focusing in keypage text or what Liwei and Tamaki have to say about it.

And idk man, at least to me the difference between social classes is an important aspect for their characterization, specially because of how constant the concern with money is for Stephan. From this point alone comparing them feels like erasing a core aspect of Stephan's characterization, a lot about Stephan (and the Full Stop office as a whole, let's be real here) starts making more sense once you read the office as lower-middle class (and I'm saying lower middle class because they can afford some place to live and their weapons, but to me these guys are the types who precisely because of their need to keep bullets at all times can't pay for water or electricity all the time and sometimes they simply can't afford food or if they do they can spend a week straight eating nothing but unsalted pasta).

Now, going back to Stephan being the most outward about his complaints with money, he is in general the most outward about all problems the office is facing, to the point in which he doesn't mind inconveniencing everyone else with his rants, being one of the few guests who interrupt Angela's introductory speech and getting into Tamaki's nerves (something he's well aware he's doing, as these two know each other) at least two times through the course of their pre-battle cutscene, even Roland comments after the reception on how he wishes he would always have been as open about his problems as Stephan was.

However, it's worth nothing that he doesn't spend the entire cutscene crying about his miseries, and he only starts losing hope at three key moments: when they can't kill Eileen inmediately (making them waste more bullets than needed), when Argalia shows up (forcing them to retreat and making them fail their mission, meaning they won't get paid for this after they already lost a ton of money, as well as turning the situation into something much more dangerous than what they had signed up for) and once they enter the Library (an Urban Plague grade threat they have little to no information about, when him and Tamaki are almost out of bullets so Liwei is essentially the only fixer with some chance of putting up a fight and, you know, making it out alive).

Now, while it's true that Stephan is someone who dislikes danger, he isn't someone who isn't used to seeing gruesome events, his instinctive reaction to seeing a guy getting his head put into a meat grinder was cracking jokes and calling the concept of thought gears "a load of horseshit", which is something that falls in line with him being a somewhat experienced Fixer (sure, grade 5 isn't amazing but we can assume it's still either in the higher side of average or barely above average, and for someone specialized in firearms, which are far from the best weapon in the city, getting that high means he must have some experience and skill, right? more so considering he's been at this for 5 years at most) who has seen a fair share of horrid shit and can be unfazed by (most of) it as long as his own safety isn't on the line.

Another point is... he dislikes danger and is always wary about money and expenses, to the point in which he enjoys checking his bank account (or at least he believes so, if we go for the theory of the artbook profiles being more a mix of what the characters perceive themseves as/would describe themselves as to others, which is a theory i go by, I see him as someone who's convinced he does that for fun instead as out of desperation), but this seems to be more a generalized feeling of impending doom at everything rather than something that can be traced back to a particular traumatic event (anything can be dangerous, anything can cost him money), dude's from the backstreets after all, he's seen shit and he's used to assuming the worst. How I see Stephan, he's a guy who already expects bad things to happen but once things go wrong he starts freaking out about how this time They're Screwed For Real, but he never really tricks himself into believing "maybe things will turn out just fine this time?" or who thinks "well, we've done this before, surely we can handle it again."

This is not very related to Stephan as a character in terms of personality but I think it's still an important point to make as it is particularly related to body mods, his physical condition and his body shape.

So we can easily say that Stephan is a strong dude, at least if compared to real world standards without the fancy and insane body mods we see people in the city have access to. He carries that huge rifle around with his bare hands, something that Tamaki doesn't do and that not even Stephan himself in earlier iterations of his dessign did, and his main talent (which based of my theories is something that can be assumed as "something he's proud enough of to consider it the thing he does best") is physical labor.

Pictured, Tamaki's talksprite, carrying a rifle almost as long as she is tall with a strap supporting the weight on her shoulders, like a normal person.

Also pictured, an earlier iteration of Stephan's dessign, carrying the same rifle his current version does, but also holding it with the help of a similar strap supporting the weight on his shoulders.

And finally, Stephan's current dessign, holding that shit with his bare fucking hands in an exhibition of his brute animal strength, what the fuck is wrong with this man (affectionate)

And Stephan's artbook profile, the important part here is his speciality being physical labor, not only he's strong but he aknowledges this.

However, I made a point about the Full Stop office being poor, right? Even Roland says that "giving a whole office augmentation procedures is cheaper than keeping a decent supply of bullets in stock" (not the exact phrasing).

At least personally, I see this as Roland essentially saying "it would be cheaper (and more efficient) to get body mods for everyone in the office and buy another (cheaper) type of weaponry instead", but as things stand, the Full Stops can afford to either buy more ammunition and maintain their weapons, OR to get body mods, and since their whole deal is firearms... well, they can't really Stop investing in them, meaning they have no body mods At All and they got their grades purely out of their own physical strength.

Similarly, Stephan makes a similar point about how body augmentations are required for people to be able to run while carrying their weapons around (specifically talking about the rifles he and Tamaki use).

And... you know, the whole point is that they couldn't run carrying their weapons because they were too heavy, Argalia mocked them for that, Liwei urged them to drop their weapons, something they refused to do because of the prices.

Lastly on this point, while it's true that Ruina talksprites have a very bad case of Long Anime Legs (to the point in which how Roland's legs take about 2/3 of his height is a common joke), if we focus only on his head and torso, Stephan looks pretty Wide, and not only because he's wearing thick, fluffy and multilayered clothing, as other characters wearing similar clothing styles still look thinner than him.

This is all to say: I don't think this guy is a twink, or thin at all. He's a prime example of the strongman build to me and this is yet another hill I'm willing to die on watch project moon turn him into a beanpole once he inevitably shows up in limbus and me turning into the first real world distortion as a consequence.

Finally, Stephan is very notoriously the most informal member of the office, not only being the only one who doesn't wear any sort of formal clothing fully prioritizing comfort and practicality over looks but also completely disregarding formalities with his attitude at work (again, he interrupts Angela's introductory monologue, and again, his first two lines when being introduced are him cracking jokes), being the only member of the office to swear on screen and using several informal expressions and metaphors through both the reception dialogue and his keypage story.

And for good measure, he's a compilation of Stephan being the creature he is.

The literal introduction of the characters, also known as the moment in which Stephan became one of my favorite characters because he's Just Like Me Fr

Very normal behavior for someone who hates blood and violence and isn't used to seeing it. This man is more than capable (and willing, assuming money is involved) to murder kill.

Which, I mean, this attitude is very different from what we see from Sinclair.

2.- Sinclair, a summary

In retrospect I probably should have made this one first because I'm gonna be honest with you, Sinclair is one of the sinners I care about the least (I still like him and think he's pretty cool mind you I just don't vibe too much with most of the tropes making up the character) so what I have to say about him is less me grasping for straws and subtext because I don't care enough about him to be bothered with a super serious and in depth analysis like I did with Stephan and more things we can explicitly see about him in game and things that happen in the novel Demian.

And if I can have a small parenthesis here, people saying that one of my favorite pjm guys Ever is in any way similar to a guy who despite being pretty cool is just Not the type of character I fully vibe with... really, it gets annoying fast. Anyway back to the serious analysis now.

2.1- Emil Sinclair in Demian (1919)

To be able to understand Sinclair as he is depicted in Limbus Company, it is important to first be familiar with the source material of the original iteration of the character, that's it we're doing your high school homework by compiling several literary analysis of a symbolic psychological early 20th century autobiographical novel i hope you guys signed up for this (and if you didn't, though luck! i will do this anyway, I love literary analysis).

In the novel, young Emil finds himself torn between the worlds of light (which can be equated to the Garden of Eden, but it's more tangible meaning for our protagonist is his childhood home and family, a serene and well structure/organized space where he can be innocent, untainted by the evils of the outside world) and darkness (basically all the scary shit that goes on outside, where people do evil things for the sake of it), he finds himself tempted by the violence of the outside world, particularly through the actions of his classmate Franz Kromer, which eventually leads him to consider that due to being exposed to this tainted world of evil he no longer can return to the world of good and innocence.

Here, the character of Demian acts as a guide, someone who helps Sinclair to trascend this binary perception of good vs evil and to see himself as someone worthy of happiness because him witnessing the world of evil didn't taint him as a person but rather merely showed him another face of the world, Demian here mentions the Mark of Cain as a symbol of mental strenght and freedom, considering that bearers of this mark are capable of making their own choices and should be able to go beyond their assigned roles, being able to embody aspects of both worlds. This is to say that Demian's view is less focused on good vs evil, instead taking a more order vs chaos approach (without giving an explicit moral character to either).

In the book, the symbol of a bird breaking out of the egg is frequently used to represent Emil's personal growth, the egg represents safety and innocence, but a bird must eventually leave the egg or it will die, and getting out of the egg is a process than can be seen as violent, as a bird must fight to get out of the egg, and getting out of the egg represents birth but also an irreversible change, it can be seen as breaking out of the world of light and getting permanently in the world of darkness since a broken shell can't be fixed, but it can also mean achieving the enlightment and personal balance to not feel permanently bound to a condition, place or state of being and therefore growing as a person by learning to see himself as a whole human instead of supressing his "evil side" by only forcing the "good side" to surface.

Max Demian is here to show this second meaning of growth/self improvement (while also explaining that Sinclair is permamently growing and must always keep this balance between all the parts conforming the whole being that is himself rather that trying to make parts of himself antagonize each other). This idea of personal growth being one of the core themes of the book.

2.2- Emil Sinclair in Limbus Company (2023)

With Sinclair's source media analyzed (at a very surface level, mind you), we now can start talking about the depiction of Sinclair in Limbus Company, how it parallels the book, why the book symbolism is important for this instance of Sinclair and so on.

When we are first introduced to Sinclair in the game he's clearly nervous, he doesn't know what he's supposed to do as he hasn't worked for a similar company before and he isn't used to the gruesome sight of the bus eating people, this does fit inmediately in the motif of a naive person with limited experience about the world (well, to be fair to him most people won't be seeing man-eating buses at a regular basis, but the average backstreets dweller would be familiar with equally violent situations).

With this said, despite Sinclair's obviously nervous behavior... he isn't really a pessimist like Stephan was, in fact, almost every chapter (counting cantos, intervallos and the short mini chapters such as the Dante's notes update episode) have at least one key moment with him trying to rationalize horrible stuff as something much less violent, or simply going "but I thought this thing didn't work like this..." when confronted with the more horrible realities in the city. He thought the G corp veterans were really going to let them pass without a fight, he thought the people being controlled by headhens were just actors wearing mascot costumes, he thought mermaids were the beautiful half-woman half-fish creatures he heard about in fairy tales, and there's more examples but I don't really feel like looking for The Entire Fucking Plot Because This Guy Is An Actual Protagonist Instead Of A Background Guy Like Stephan Was to make my point clearer than it already is. And it's only when he realizes that the real world doesn't fit his expectations that he panics.

Well, there is one exception to this pattern: his own canto. Here, he panics inmediately as soon as K corp's nest is mentioned and spends the first half of the chapter pleading to turn back while saying that they are going to get killed. So what is different here with the rest of the plot?

Obviously, the fact that is related to his very own very personal very specific trauma. That is to say, unlike Stephan who is wary of anything that can put him on danger or cost him more money than it should, Sinclair has a very specific traumatic event that makes him act Like That (sure, he gets scared and nervous outside that, but these are more normal "I'm unfamiliar with this and I don't fully know how to react, this is normal behavior in a human being" reactions than outright "I am Actually Terrified due to being reminded of an actual traumatic event, this reaction is a textbook definition of post-traumatic stress disorder").

HOWEVER, Sinclair being someone who's deeply traumatized and kind of a scaredy cat when it comes to violence and unfamiliar situations... it doesn't mean that he's incompetent or a bad fighter. Almost all of his identities are terrifyingly good fighters (at least in their lore), Los Mariachis fear jefe Sinclair, Cinq director Sinclair is someone most association members are terrified to duel even during training, Blade Lineage Sinclair is considered a talented killer (it's also worth noting that save maybe for the mariachi one, in none of these mirror worlds Sinclair is precisely happy of being recognized as "the guy who's very scary when he fights people", unlike Stephan who I don't think he particularly likes killing but has a more "as long as I get paid..." mentality about it), the only "not very good at this" Sinclair id I can think of is the molar boatworks id where he's more a mechanic than a fighter so he fears he's lagging behind in that aspect. Hell, even the Canon Timeline so to speak (which is to say: his base identity) has him carrying that huge halberd, going on a frenzy attacking some already mutilated inquisitor's corpse, piercing through Guido's armor and dealing a fatal blow that finally killed him for real. To compare, Stephan is good at physical work, but we don't know about his close combat capacities other than the fact that he dislikes it, for Sinclair however we know he's terrifyingly good at physical combat.

Now, I've seen a lot of people call Sinclair a twink and while it's one of these words that nobody agrees on what it means, let's give it the benefit of doubt and say "alright, for the duration of this analysis let's settle on a twink being a young looking (regardless of actual age), thin man with almost no facial/body hair".

Since Sinclair is a rich guy (not just Any Rich Guy though, we're talking of someone whose family had ties to a Wing, probably not some elite guy like Daniel or Hong Lu, but not a self perceived "mediocre" nest dweller like Samjo either), and pressumably not very experienced in combat in most mirror worlds (we know he has no prior experience in the base one where he joined Limbus, at least), let's say that he has enough body mods for him to be much stronger than he looks like despite being thin, he does look thin and young and much to my dissapointment he also has no facial hair, so yeah, under this very broad definition of the term he is a twink.

However if you start adding personality archetypes to the definition he stops being one almost inmediately, as we've been shown time after time that his "submissive" attitude is mostly a result of him not knowing too well how to impose himself and just going along with what the rest say or do, but he's starting to grow tired of that ever since Hell's Chicken (even if he clearly still isn't great at that), as it should be more than obvious for anyone who even just googled "demian herman hesse literary analysis", Sinclair is undergoing a lot of changes even now, and the game is doing a good job at portraying that.

Honestly I also think he'd be hotter with a sleeper build but really, I don't care enough about him to argue about that.

And for the last point, precisely due to his upbringing as a rich guy AND his traumatic experience with Kromer, Sinclair is not only a very polite and mild mannered guy (again, unlike resident creature Stephan), but also he tries to take as little space as possible, both literally and metaphorically, as Dante notices near the end of canto 3 when they finally comment on how Sinclair never talks about his own problems until it's too late because he doesn't want to bother the others as they probably have it worse (again, unlike Stephan "i don't mind loweing team morale and making everyone in the room uncomfortable as long as i get to vent" Full Stop office).

3.- Adressing common arguments

Alright, now that I talked about each character, let's see some of the most common arguments I've seen people use to compare them.

"They look the same!" No, they don't. The only thing they have in common is being blonde but even their hairstyles are different with Sinclair having a simple bowl-ish cut with slightly wavy hair and Stephan having curlier hair (not to mention the whole point I made about body types because I'm the sort of lunatic who cares about that stuff). I won't even bother with this argument.

"They have the same personalities!" Again, they don't. Stephan is very cynical with a lot of his attitude being clearly derivated from him coming from a poor background and having stayed there his whole life, he also doesn't care about his cynism getting in the way and bothering everyone else. On the other hand, Sinclair is someone who could almost be described as naive due to having lived a sheltered childhood and only having his experiences with Kromer and his time at Limbus as moments of realizing that the rest of the world is Not Like His Childhood House, still believing that the world is a binary of good vs evil and expecting things to turn out fine or be much better than they actually are, just to be hit with the reality of the city Not being a nice place where people are nice and polite and not trying to kill him, this is not to say he doesn't have his own issues but even Dante notices during his Canto that Sinclair makes a point to avoid bothering everyone else with his personal problems, keeping them to himself even if that makes things worse on the long run.

"Both are opposed and harmed by a lunatic!" This is an argument I've seen a lot and is incredibly filmsy at best, half of the city's population are lunatics and the other half are people who got opposed by them some way or another. Will you say that Ishmael and the rest of the Pequod crew can be compared to the Full Stop office (or really, even mention the other Full Stop fixers instead of just focusing on Stephan because he happens to be blonde and can be compared to Sinclair) because of their situations with Ahab? Or the W Corp crew who got their train targetted by Jae-heon and Elena (or, you know, the train passengers who were turned into Love townspeople or puppets)? What about the Vermillion Cross who got killed by the Reverb Ensemble? Or the Cane office fixers? or the Zwei association section 6 who got beaten to death by Gyeong-mi just because he felt like doing so? Or the Liu association section 1 who had to deal with Argalia taking Philip away? Or the Kurokumo clan members when they were attacked by Tanya? You aren't comparing them to either Stephan or Sinclair, right? Not to mention that in her weird and fucked up perception of things, Kromer was less opposed to Sinclair as she was trying to lead him to join her and her cause, even the last things she says before getting killed are her calling him to follow her.

"Both are compared to birds!" Oh, right, because I forgot that a very directed symbolic comparison to a baby bird breaking out of it's shell as a symbol of rebirth, learning about the nuances of the world and self improvement/liberation that is consistently used in the source material Sinclair comes from is exactly the same as one (1) throwaway line the big bad guy uses to mock not only Stephan but the whole Full Stop gang, right. And if you want to say "but Tamaki compares him to a bird once too", yeah she calls him a parrot because he keeps repeating the same complaints over and over, it's still not the same as a consistent metaphor.

"Both are sad blonde twinks! They're essentially the same guy." Sad? Yeah, everyone in the city is sad but their ways to be sad are polar opposites, and neither of them is the pure cinnamon roll uwu crybaby archetype people tend to lump both into, Stephan was merely having a bad day and people decided to make that his whole personality (when honestly we get more insight on his actual personality before Argalia shows up, when he's making sarcastic remarks and getting impatient because they weren't starting killing people fast enough) but he's still perfectly capable (and willing) to murder people, and Sinclair is just... someone who lacks experience about the real world and how it works and has a tendency to get nervous because of this, but he can adapt quickly to situations once he understands them. Blonde? Yeah, but I guess if that's a point to draw a comparison then we should also compare them to Don Quixote, the Tiphereths, Lenny, Yun, Lulu, Olga, every single npc, librarian, and agent who comes with blonde hair from the generator... Twinks? Stephan absolutely isn't one, Sinclair depends on how you define twink as nobody seems to get to an agreement with that, if you define it as merely "young looking thin man with almost no visible body hair" then yeah he is one, but if you go for any more specific definition than that he stops fitting into the definition almost instantly.

In conclusion: if I see anyone else comparing them I'll start blocking people liberally bc I'm sick of seeing that shit (I do that already tbh but just so you know), now scram

[qumiiiquinnquin]

im scared to tell my psychiatrist i tried to end myself twice within a month (sep-oct). i dont know why i am. i have to call the office myself since im an adult now, but im really scared making phonecalls. i have to do it because its been since april that ive seen my psychiatrist but i have to do it. i dont know when ill do it, im too scared. that fear frustrates my family a lot. i feel like im already a failure of an adult and will continue to be like that forever.

today was mostly good, just uneventful until this evening. but now im feeling depressed and i want to cry until i cant anymore, but i cant cry, so i just feel bad. i dont feel tired so i dont want to sleep, but its almost midnight so i should soon. im feeling stressed out about needing to call the psychiatrist's office, so i dont feel like i can relax at all.

ive just been feeling bad a lot lately but thats not new, i say think that to myself every other week or so. whats making me sad the most right now is hating my art. i dont have any confidence in my art but i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i will always have mediocre talent, no matter how hard i try. i keep thinking about burning my physical art and either deleting my digital art or just even destroying my laptop, though the latter is very excessive, but i still think about it every now and then out of frustration. i want to give up but i really dont know what else id do, ive always drawn since i was very little, its always made me happy. i really want to not care how upset stopping would make people, including myself, but if i dont stop out of just purely giving up, i probably will stop because i k!lled myself.

every day is feeling the same, it even felt that way when classes were still going. i got so used to the schedule that i got used to the systematic cycle. i partially dont want classes to start again because of that, its boring and the amount of work is stressful, im just going to go back to breaking down and nearly attempting from stress and lack of confidence that i can really do this, that i can really power through and get the degree i want. i keep getting told im smart and always work hard, but that really doesnt mean anything now. being and doing those things doesnt suddenly mean that because of those things, ill survive the stress. it only actually makes it worse, like im ridiculous for feeling the pressure and have the mental health collapses that i do because of college, that im not trying hard enough and am lazy.

for some reason the desire for love has been on my mind and i dont know why, youve seen the pathetic longing things i say about romance. right now i feel like i am missing out and am a failure by societal standards for not even have dated in my life, and i still dont have a partner at 18 years old. i feel extremely lonely to the point that seeing other couples makes me depressed, which is probably selfish of me. i feel like and believe now that i will always be alone. i know i am not beautiful to anyone, i know i am not funny, i am not interesting, im a pain in the ass, im too much to deal with and am just unlovable in general. i hate feeling this way, i never cared about romance or relationships and have always been repulsed at the idea of me ever being loved romantically or being in a relationship. i feel stupid. i feel like a jerk. i feel like i deserve to be alone forever, and i really do. or maybe, just end myself, if im so unlovable in every way, then why not just weed myself out? whoever takes my place will be much more worth it than i ever could be. its so stupid thinking about myself d*ing from a broken heart. "just grow up, sad excuse of a grown adult." (in quotes because its a direct thought to myself towards myself, nobody else)

i really doubt everything will get better, ive felt this same exact way for 3 years now. sad, burntout, stressed, like im nothing but a problem for my family, a burden and waste of time to be around or talk to or care about. i did attempt once in 2021 but failed, obviously im still alive. i really want to try again. im really scared of pain, so im trying to find the quickest way or the least painful option. if i just call, i can get different meds or a different dosage and i wont feel this terrible. im so childish for an adult to be unable to make a fucking phonecall. i feel like next year might be it, im not sure why i get that feeling, but i dont have any reason to keep going. im not looking forward to anything. nothing is really that fun or exciting, i just try to distract myself. i know im not wanted, and im too difficult for my family.

its now a half hour after midnight because im incapable of shutting the fuck up. i might just lay down and watch youtube or cry myself to sleep, whichever happens first

[tullium]

just gonna type here and get shit off my mind.

i wanna be completely transparent. im 100% going to get harrassed for what i have to say, but i just need to talk.

in regards to what's been revealed about Shelby's situation and Wilbur's involvement.

i've been a big fan of Wilbur since I joined the DSMP fandom and continued to be as I grew older. he's someone i strongly related to heavily due to mental health struggles. i love his characters and his storylines, even if they were silly sometimes. i loves his relationships with those close to him, like with Tommy and Quackity especially. i love his music a lot, Lovejoy is my favorite band, and is probably the only music i never really get tired of.

this is why im not ready to just suddenly drop him. deep down i still really like him and have related to him which is exactly why it is *so* difficult for me to just suddenly stop everything related to him.

on the other hand, i've known about Shelby since i was young. i watched a lot of her stuff with NewScapePro (lots of the undertale and fnaf roleplay stuff) and she was always one of my favorites, though i hadn't really stuck with her as i grew up. when i heard about her situation, i felt a lot of empathy with her, as i also went through abuse (mental and emotional, though).

where my struggle really starts is that i want to support Shelby, but i cant find it in myself to just completely stop my interest with Wilbur. it doesnt help that Wilbur has been one of my primary comfort people for the past few years, he was one of the people i chose to watch or listen to when i was sad.

im internally conflicted. i KNOW i should stop supporting Wilbur, especially because i've been a victim too, but it's so difficult for me, especially when my current hyperfixtiations involve him primarily.

im not ready to just let go. i should do it, but i physically can't. it's so damn hard.

i desperately want to believe in him, believe that he can and will change, but i know how abusers work. i believe in him but i know i shouldnt, and it is frustrating me.

i love him (in a way one would love any other celebrity, obviously) but i also hate him right now, but i also dont.

im not a bad person for not being ready to let go yet... but what happens if i'm never ready? what if im only ready once i find a different hyperfixtiation?

what's going to happen now? will Wilbur even be okay? (i shouldnt wonder about it but i do)

im in a very tough spot. there are so many thoughts in my head that are worsening my already low point in mental and emotional stability.

im gonna be seen as a bad person no matter what i choose to do.

which is why im just choosing to not let it change what im doing right now. maybe once things calm down, maybe i can figure things out more and i may do something different, but for right now, im not going to change anything. i will change things when im ready too. people may not like that, but it's what i need. it's what's best for me right now.

i hope Shelby will be able to fully recover and heal. i hope that Wilbur can genuinely change for the better. i hope that those closest to Wilbur are doing okay too.

quick edit because i forgot to mention this:

Wilbur's mental health is NOT excuse for abuse. Wilbur's twitter post also wasn't great.

but im also choosing to keep in mind that 1. he doesnt owe the internet an apology. he only owes the victim(s) apologies. we are not entitled to an apology.

2. while it isnt an excuse, mental health still contributes to abuse which is why i still believe that if he really tries, he can improve himself.

im not forgiving him for what he did, but im still struggling with my thoughts and emotions, which is why i cant just drop everything.

i hope that this clears things up a bit more.

[mira-razzy]

“Why are you always sad? I dont understand.”

“How can you be sad? You have everything.”

“Why do you always seem so moody? You dont even tell us anything.”

I wish I knew. I wish I knew why I was upset. I wish I knew why everyday I wake up & immediately feel like ending my life. Im so sick & tired of people blaming me for my sadness.

“Happiness is a choice.”

I never chose to be sad. I don’t want to be sad. More than anything in this life I want to be happy. I pray for my happiness every hour of the day. I tried. I tried so much.

“Maybe you’re sad bcs of this & this.”

I wish I could easily pin point why I was upset. But no, someone who doesnt even talk to me on a daily basis magically knows why I’m constantly sad.

I hate people who blame me for my sadness & thinks they know why I’m upset. I wish I knew.

Being depressed is so frustrating. You start to realize you really are alone. People say “i’m here for you” but are they really? How many times have I tried reaching out for help. No one responded. Not my family, not my friends.

My head, my heart is bursting. Internally im constantly screaming, asking for help. I’m trying. I want to yell at everyone who asks me “why are you sad?” And people who just simply can’t understand that I’m sad.

Why am i not allowed to be sad? Why cant I be sad? Why cant my family understand that I’m human with emotions? Why do they immediately assume the worst of me.

I want to die. That’s all I want to do. I want to harm myself. Bang my head against the wall until my skull bursts & my brain explodes. Slit my wrists. Slap myself so many times my skin becomes raw.

I’m so tired of living.

I’ve tried. My parents dont understand why I’m sad. My mom gets mad at me for crying at work & crying to her. Telling me I have to be tough. My family my own parents dont believe in mental health.

“Pray,”

I have. I have I have I have.

I want to scream.

I have.

I’ve tried.

And i’ve tried again. And again. And again.

I don’t have the support I need. From the people I love most.

No one understands.

I’ve tried. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I’ve tried over and over again I’ve tried. I’ve always tried my best in everything I do. Everything. Every single thing.

I want to scream again. To everyone.

I’ve tried. I’m trying. Please don’t be mad at me. Please don’t blame me. Don’t make it worse.

At this very second all I could think of is jumping off the balcony. Im so close to doing that.

The only thing pulling me away is my faith in my religion.

[bishiglomper]

Cannot sleeeeeep. Have to w h i i i i n e

Woke up to stabbies. Been getting these electrical stabs the last couple weeks. Figure its fibro. I dont see why it would be my new pill. But my body picks a spot and then it feels like im being STUNG. REPEATEDLY. Tonight its the opposite spot of my scar's location.

And i hear beeping. I think its bro's alarm. He does not wake up easily. If i tell him to turn it off, he will and go back to sleep.

And the nephew keeps turning on the hallway light.

And I'm obsessing over a niece issue.

Bong water has not been using a litterbox. They're upstairs, i think she just isn't going upstairs anymore.

Conversation with niece went like:

"I picked up 2 piles of poop from bong water last night."

"You can take her back to my apartment whenever you want"

"Are you going to be there?"

"Nope."

"If i bring a litterbox down, will you help me clean it?"

"I dont do the litterbox at MY house."

Bitch. You do not deserve a fucking cat. Or any pet. She killed her rats from neglect.

If i wasnt so against returning poor helpless furbabies to the shelter for insignificant reasons...........

But also we already have FOUR CATS. We were supposed to stop at Cinderbelle. But then Pantera, Pooka and Reno happened....

We cannot own another cat. It's already been a month. If the landlord notices... 😣 We've babysat other animals before but like i said its been a month. Niece doesnt seem to have plans for leaving either. I guess shes fine paying rent for an empty house and just sleeping on our couch forever. If we kick her out, she'll just couch surf. At least her boyfriend is in jail.....ffs

I barely have the executive function to clean MY cats litterboxes, and they're right outside my door. For just this purpose. I'm not gonna be able to do a downstairs one. I cannot tote the container of litter between flights. Just. No.

I dont think i can tell her friend (original owner of bw) to take her because she lives with a toxic af mother and i dont think the situation is safe.

SO, WHAT DO D:

Also the house is so bad. Made worse by now cat shit all over the place. But everyone is really struggling physically, and between the house and our own bodies, our mental health is fucked up too.

Moms stomach is fucked. She does not want to eat. She does. She resorts to junk food when she gets hungry but i cant complain because she wont let us feed her otherwise.

And sissy fucked up her back. I dont know what all shes doing for it but shes done muscle relaxants, back brace and tens unit occassionally. She refuses a heating pad for some reason.

Lately my symptoms are fibro shit, stomach pain, asthma, a strained/tired back, and tachycardia. The tachicardia is the worst because it kicks up when I get up. And eat. It settles down when i rest. Also the asthma. Just going up/down the stairs makes me do this dry throat clearing kind of cough for the next 10 minutes after the tiniest pinch of exertion. And I've woken up gasping a few nights.

Those two need to see some fuckin doctors. Mine can't do anything for me, but at least I jump through those fuckin hoops. I see everyone. All the specialists. I'm trying my best here. I have some major flaws that im sure frustrate the family, but this irritates me that they won't see people.

Mom especially. The only appointments she has are for literal surgical consults and she flaked on ONE situation already. Next one is for somethig else. No idea if she'll ever do anything about her previous issue she needs fixed 🙄😤

And also my sister is going blind and has high blood pressure but won't take her medicine. Her reasoning is because then she'll have to order more and go through setting it up and shit. Executive function issues i guess. Mom has been setting it up and giving it to her but i never remember and sometimes she forgets too.

Like do you know how many pills i take to have some semblance of function and not die? This is also frustrating to see.

I don't know what to do about any of this.

If we got rid of the cat, the niece would disown us. Which honestly, if she werent already riding a fine line of unsafe i wouldn't mind so much, she'd get over it eventually. Once she had the maturity to. 🙄 Because it's not like it would be out of spite. But sissy is on eggshells making sure we dont push her away. Probably into the arms of another halfway house resident. 😒

Uuuhhgggg

[steampoweredskeleton]

Can't tell whether that was a bullshit medication check bc I'm angry or bc it actually was

[pulling-all-mighters]

Hey I just wanted to atop by and say that ever since I started reading obsidian (and ever since it's been on a hiatus) I stop by once a month to see if there are any new information about it's status and about hoe your doing. I read in the last question u got that ur struggling with some health conditions that make it impossible for you to continue with the story and I am sorry to hear that you have to struggle like that :c I hope that you'll be better soon. Because when ever you're ready to continue with Obsidian I'll be here 🍃💕 All the best and warm thoughts to you, you amazing, talented person🌞

Thank you! To be honest its almost more mental than physical. I found out that I have a spine disease (on both my mothers side and fathers side) that usually only appears in old people but both my mom and Grandmother unlocked it early like some secret gamer achievement when they were pregnant in their twenties. I am in my twenties but im not pregnant, and yet I too got the gamer award for fucked spine.

Fortunately for me, its something manageable. Its a pain I can deal with with physical therapy even if it'll never go away. Ive shrunk 3 inches in 4 years because of it.

The unfortunate thing is having to come to terms with the fact that now I am 'broken'. and like, I know I'm not broken in a rational sense; disabled people are people still. The fact remains, though, that for the rest of my life all the people around me are going to be conscious of how I can barely stand for more than an hour or that I cant bend over to feed my dogs and whoever I'm with will have to essentially sign up as a caretaker. Theyre going to not invite me to things or change plans, theyre going to get frustrated with my very existence and its hard to not think about that.

Its dampened my mood for writing that's for sure.

Right now its a matter of judging how much energy and pain im in and balancing it against what I want to do, which, recently, has been Original work. Because im tired and I want to be kind to myself. Hopefully I can make something of that. I really appreciate that you enjoy the fic so much though! It has a special place in my heart even though I know I can do better. And it means a lot to me that you went out of your way to tell me this.

[thorniest-rose]

love all your fics. I'm sure youre tired of hearing this, but i loved you in your old fandom and so sorry the experience was so negative to for you because, to me, you wrote so much that was meaningful to me in the fandom

anyways i love you, i love your fics, and im sorry you cant connect to your previous fandom in the way you used to because it is truly an irreplaceable loss that i miss every day

Hi! Thanks so much for your message, this was very sweet to read yesterday. Usually I don't answer asks about my last fandom because it still feels triggering and too raw to process. It's only in retrospect looking back that I realise how badly it was affecting me, and how I should have cut ties and left the fandom a lot sooner than I did. I know there are people who were very sad at the time that I left and felt frustrated & disappointed that I never went back to my old fics, but it really has been the best thing for my happiness and mental health.

I wish things could have been different because I still love the characters and would have loved to stay and write more, but the entire culture was just too toxic. The anon abuse; the callout posts; the bullying; the cliques; the cultish figures; the gatekeeping BNFs; the competition and jealousy, the constant judgement and scrutiny; the wild accusations; the damaging labels... it was way too much. I would never put myself through that again or take part in a fandom where that behaviour becomes the norm. It's no wonder that fandom imploded so much, it was poisonous and I know so many people who were badly affected by it.

But I do appreciate your kind words. I don't think I'll ever write for that fandom again, just the idea of being anywhere near certain people makes me feel so anxious, but I am definitely grateful for the amazing friends I made (Lou, Megan, Noora, Mack, Idgie, Em, love you all) and that I was able to write things that seemed to truly resonate with people and made a difference to them that year. And I really do appreciate knowing that people from that fandom still think of me and my fics fondly. So thank you <3

[growing-up-poor-culture]

Really sorry for the inactivity but I've been dealing with paperwork regarding our benefits the last 3 months.

Vent ahead: tw suicidal ideation, tw cussing, tw trauma(??)

The problems started EVEN before i finished my finals and cuz my parents aren't knowledgable in the language of the country we reside in, I've been dealing with the paperwork from ABROAD, during my FINALS, while going throu a depressive episode and horrible executive dysfunctioning + not taking care of my health and when i finished my exams and returned back home I STILL had to deal with these paperworks. And they even asked for more paperwork and temporarily shut out benefits funding.

Being fucking poor isn't just a state it's your health, physically and mentally and it's so exhausting having to prove you are broke as fuck and need help to survive.

The benefits we get are also literally called MINIMUM WAGE and we are a family of 6 members.

My dad has a minor permanent disability, resulting in him not being able to work at all. Even walking for a bit can cause his back to hurt and then he needs to rest for awhile

My mom has been job hunting but they refuse her jobs due to her garments (they do not state it as it is unlawful but they find any random excuses to say no, or even flat out say they dont need workers when the work office itself sent her there)

My older brother is a university student and is awaiting his renewed ID and is not allowed to work without it, so even if he wanted to get a job he cant

Im also a university student and Ive applied for jobs but im also undiagnosed chronically ill, been so since I was a young child. I have a problem with my muscles/lower leg bones which the doctors still dont know the caus off

The money we receive barely covers our living cost. We never buy clothes , we go to different places that hand out food for help, I'm living at my uni dorms for free and not paying anything at all. thats the only reason my parents are able to send 2 of their children to study ouf the country

Like the only reason Im able to get my education is cuz i dont live in USA (thank god) and therefore public universities are for free.

They can't expect us to drop out of school and work to support our family (especially considering how slow they are at giving us our renewed IDs) .

Studying is the long time investment so we can work in the future and support ourselves

The whole reason i created this account is cuz growing up poor fucking sucked and what sucked even more is being treated as a menance, as if we enjoy living like this

And what's worse is that im slowly losing hope of ever being able to be financially independent and truly thrive.

I losta big portion of my chilhood and adolescence to being poor as heck. I developed fear of buying stuff that even now, that our situation has improved cuz we've been receiving help , i still do not buy necessery food items. I've grown so tired of the situation that I'm even having suicidal ideation. Had my parents not needed me to help them throu this idk what i would have done to myself

And what's even more frustrating is that I can't explain or vent to anyone else about this cuz the situation is so complicated and most ppl wont understand that this is our livelihood and that losing it means we could lose our permit of stay in this country and be kicked out even tho ive grown in this country since i was 8 years old

I apologize for the rant

But if this aint growing up poor culture then what is it?✌✌

[babiesdreams]

hey jwu im from the Philippines 😉 im fluent in 2 languages im currently studying korean ik how to read and im planning on studying mandarin for busineses purposes because there is a lot of chinese busines men her and im really into business. how about you guys where are u from?

to🎙anon ik exactly how you feel, not giving your 100% effort and ending up disapointed on the results it give. i actually drop out of school 2 times but its all voluntarly. my mental health is really getting to me in my highschool days like every yr it gets worse on 3rd thats where i snapped and everything was just falling and i just am so tired. i wanted to get some help but my parents is not really open to the idea of theraphy they thing if i only think positive everything will be okay. but i love my mom so much because ik that she is trying her best to understand so 3rd yr accidents happens and i just its my worst yr.... well thats what i thought 4 th yr came and i force myself i really did because i didnt want to disapoint my parents every task is so hard even just getting out of bed. i stopped on 4th yr since i just really cant do it any more and when i heard my moms voice the disapointment that strained her voice was heartbreaking. when i took i break we tried homeschooling which is honestly great there is no deadlines and if your too pressjred its okay everybody has thier own pace but that method still didnt work on me im still a wreck so i finished homeschooling but its not really fulfilling because i cheated on the most part. senior high came and u guessed it I AM FUCKED UP specially its all online it makes it easy to skip so thats what i did i explained to my adviser whats going on and just like an angel sent from heaven he comforted me and told be that “its okay i understand”. i also told my mom what happened and i really put my heart out to her every emotions and she told me that she will support me in what ever i do and she loves me and she hopes that i love myself to and my tears started pouring like how can i be fucked up like this if im surrounded by a love like that. the thing is okay i am not like weak on acads. im smart i tutor my classmates but when it comes to me doing an assignment or test i choke out like there is this heavy thing in my chest is like i cant study for a diploma WHICH IS CRAYZY i love learning im a curious person but i cant seem to put that energy to school. i cant tell you how many essay ive write for other people every topics that i explain because i love helping other people and thats why i cant study for me anymore because i feel like im wasting my parents money so i quit. im still studying tho but im not in school atm im reading about korean history why they were seperated.

other people thinks its weak but i think is so hard to stand up to yourself and realize that this system doesnt work on you. to have that mental awakeness that things needs to change for you to be okay. i want everyone to know that education is so damn important but so is your mental health if its getting too much its okay to take a break. its confusing and frustrating to go on with your life not knowing how to feel and its damn tiring so feel free to take a break and know that you are never alone 🥰🥰

im currently planning on getting the help i need and im getting a job which is sooo hard because of the pandemic but ill make it work i have a plan😌😌

-A

Omg this is so heartbreaking to read. Thanks for opening up and tellig me your story that I actually can relate a lot to. I'll explain my part tomorrow tho since it's too late in here.

Sooo I just wanted to say good luck on all your projects and keep that love you have for your family, because it's really inspiring and beautiful.

I really wish I could hug you and make you foget all those hardships. Also fuck the educational system😬👿

That's it good night everyone 💗💓

[transrightsjimin]

wrote a whole rant abt the mess of privatized mail in my country but ill save it for after ive gone to the store

long story short, please be nicer to mail and parcel deliverers!!

even if they fucking throw your package on the roof or bury it in their garden or leave a note for picking up a parcel despite you being home when they came by, just please think and realize that this shit happens bc a lot of deliverers work for minimum wage (or less when they are disabled and/or immigrant workers), who consistently need to work faster, keep getting introduced to new standardized systems tht are introduced bc of budget cuts nd mechanization of mail sorting and based on american street planning tht doesnt apply well here, get pressured into taking on extra routes, often struggle w mental health issues nd a lot have either two jobs or live on welfare. nd both mail and parcel deliverers need to have delivered everything in time before reaching the retailer, despite so many factors like different closing times for shops so ppl then rush and write these notes in advance just to make it in time, getting fragile packages that are NOT fit for trucks in which you cant secure boxes well or can put safely in a bike bag (e.g. an old colleague of mine had a broken alcohol bottle(??) in her mail bag nd wine drenched all the mail), residents abruptly starting a whole rant to you, demanding to deliver mail or packages you don't have w you or thinking you're a different kind if deliverer, people thinking you know every resident personally by name despite working in a different place w 1000-1500 different addresses per day, all on your own crappy bike (when mail, which i deliver) or truck that has a card minoritoring your every move (with parcels, like w my dad). nd then we get blamed for shit like, not having a parcel or important letter that the machines fucked up on as we don't have it, or we rish stuff and make mistakes and workers deal w mental illness nd physical health issues and do weird stuff at the job and are portrayed as some kind if evil profession for it. like i shit you not, i had to hear these rants abt postal workers even from others at a workers' union protest despite them knowing i am a mail worker.

please just remember that mail and parcel personnel does not do this vital but underpaid job w a high time pressure and is physical straining, to pull mean tricks on customers or some shit. deliverers make mistakes bc the mail sorting is mechanized but not optimized, and there is this huge working load. i think my frustration w the disrespect to mail workers finally snapped recently, when someone (as usual) pulled the mail out my hands through the other side of the door mailbox (which always scares me a bit like wtf r u doing!) within 0.5 seconds and yanking on it so hard tht my hand slammed against the sharp mailbox corners nd cut my hand open. like it might be such a small thing and i know some residents even consider this helping nd dont do it out of rush, but im TIRED. please dont blame us when so much of the mail processing isnt even fucking done by humans nd we can in fact, not pay perfect attention to every address or name on every letter or box when we have to deliver to thousands on a day. my dad delivers parcels for a different main company and there isn't even any order in the boxes that are put in his truck, by even more overworked and underpaid eastern european immigrant workers, nd he needs to find and sort through them all nd deliver for 50 hours a week w the most bizarre tasks like dragging 80 kilo packages up several flights and deliver over 500 packages in one day. ive had a colleague who had a schedule of 20 hours if mail delivery per week bit was in reality scheduled for around 43 hours, which only counts the routes she walked and not all the work or time in between where she had to travel to further away routes or carry and sort bags at the mail collection garage thing. she was so overworked that she had to keep writing notes in advance, just so she could drop off packages in time at the retailer. she worked such long hours that she couldnt make it to meetings of a postal workers' union, which also unfortunately is a union tht doesnt actually do much for workers nd rather lures in members w discounts for products nd membership but for the rest fully cooperates w the company.

like urgh i know i still went on a rant today but please be more fucking considerate and patient and dont let your leftist beliefs stop once you are on the receiving end of the service of a mail worker. like if we get retail customers are shitty to shop employees, we should get this too.

[laracroftsleatherjacket]

Flower Asks: all of them >:3€ (forgive me)

(this is so many omg but I’ll allow it only bc i love u)

Alisons: Sexuality? 

     Gay af (ace lesbean)

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

     Waman (she/they)

Amaryllis: Birthday?

     November 2nd

Anemone: Favorite flower?

     Funnily enough anemones are one of my favs but i think my top favs are chrysanthemums and morning glories but I really love many flowers and flowers in general

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

     As of right now, stranger things duh

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

     Like favors or? I mean I really do try to be a kind and helpful person but if I don’t know somebody or haven’t at least seen them a couple times before I usually don’t do much bc of anxiety 

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

     "The extraordinary is in what we do, not who we are.” Lara Croft mostly bc I cant think of anything else right now and that stuck with me

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

     Like a really good cup of black tea with cream and sugar or sweet tea

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

     Never been kissed before but I definitely have someone in mind I would kiss ;3

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

     Hell yeah I am right now and I don’t think I ever have been before now

Baneberries: Favorite song?

     Oh hard question... currently really digging We Fell In Love in October by Girl in Red 

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

     My family is supportive (for the most part) and very loving, even if they express love in weird ways sometimes. We also like to joke around a lot and make fun of each other but in a good way? Like we all have a good time mostly and I get along better with everyone since I started college

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

     My girlfriend is my best friend uwu I also have a lot of good friends but yeah

Begonia: Favorite color?

     Purble but specifically like a pastel purple and purples that lean more towards blue than pink

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

     Lynx! I love so many animals tho and I also like many cats and domestic cats in general

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

     Night!

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

     Probably would love to just be a loved house cat who gets to lay in front of the fire all day or a lynx bc i love them

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

     A veterinarian (or a special agent lmao)! I also still plan on being a vet tho even tho I get discouraged at least once a month 

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

     I mean I like kids and I was a camp counselor for a summer, but I dont really want any of my own

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

     Oh god so many things.. Biggest thing would maybe be death/dying? Like if i think about it too much like the possibility of there just being nothing after death freaks me out. That and throwing up/nausea 

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

     I played soccer and then I was a competitive swimmer so i was kind of an athlete? even tho i hated sports

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

     I think I would like to go to waffle house, have the perfect cup of tea, spend lots of time with my loved ones and pet my kitties, play video games with my gf, and sit under a tree in the mountains preferably on a warmer day in the fall and watch the sunset 

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

     Very happily taken

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

     Always wanted to visit Norway

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

      Really big long hugs, good morning or goodnight messages, and I also really love cards 

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

     I have 6 

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?

     Yup! I have an industrial, orbital, and 3 earlobe piercings   

California Poppy: Height?  

     5′2 or maybe a little less

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

     Yeah I think so, but I do also get freaked out easily lmao

Carnation: What are you currently wearing? 

     Red flannel, jeans, fuzzy socks, and big dyke boots  

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

     Yeah I did for a long time and I still sometimes sleep with one or like a bathroom light on if Im sleeping by myself in a new place

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

     Either my mom or my dad I dont remember technically who was last bc my parents are visiting me at college

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

     Again, never kissed or been kissed! but maybe soon... :0

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

     Font? I like the font in Night in the Woods?

Columbine: Are you tired?

     Pretty much always either sleepy or tired lol

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

     Christmas, getting to see my gf again, and Magfest!

Coneflower: Dream job?

     Like a veterinarian but having my own practice and also being able to take in injured wildlife if possible

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

     Introvert for sure

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

     Oh repeat question, hell yes

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

     Depends what it is but I would go pretty far for somebody I care about and Im also a crazy person and would drive/travel no matter what distance for someone I love

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

     Yup! I had a ballerina bunny, named Bunny because I was very creative and I still have her

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

     Scorpio

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

     I think so? I did a lot of cool stuff with my GS troop like our bronze award project and going ziplining and to sliding rock. 

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

     My GS gold award for sure, that shit was hard work and stressful af

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

     Umm??? I would tell my dad to eat shit and die and I cant imagine my mom being anything but sweet and supportive so I dont even know

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

     You! This morning uwu

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

     uhh Im pretty good at making sense of stuff in my science labs and reasoning and im sometimes good at art? I feel like I do traditional better but Im getting better at digital

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

     bad at not being impulsive sometimes and bad at dead by daylight 

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

     a little over a month but officially got a girlfriend who i love very much, my gf came down to visit and we got to chill on the mountains together, and I had a pretty nice birthday 

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

     Good! Got breakfast at a diner with my parents and got coffee and a donut at my fav coffee shop so thats all i really need in life tbh 

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

     Yeah Im happy even tho Im stressed with school at times 

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

     Get a job after graduation and hopefully get into vet school on the first or second try

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

     My kitty, mom, wonderful gf, sister, dead by daylight, heated blanket, apartment, waffle house, my sisters kitty, and my dog

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  

     Donuts, coffee or tea, blankets, video games, and loud music

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

     Hmm... I really like to draw art for those i love, tell them how much i love them even though i can be bad with words, and i just try to spend a lot of time with the people I care about no matter what we are doing

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

     uhhh trying to open up more? and Im really proud of my gf 

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

     Going to waffle house. Go to a mountain and hike a little, sit on the top with girlfriend. Admire beauty of mountain countryside. Admire beauty of girlfriend while they admire the beauty of the mountain. Then warm up together with hot chocolate and play video games

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

     I like to doodle and do the arts, play video games, and I like to bake sometimes

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

     uuuuuuh I have a good friend I’ve known since kindergarten or first grade when I first moved to where I currently live

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

     My gf uwu and my mem

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

     probably like less than 10 

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

     I think its really cute especially when you compliment my laugh

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

     ??? I think I am an okay person? And I try to be a good person and be kind and polite to people

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

     Umm... I mean I like that Im kind? and Im not fake and I try to be a good person     

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?  

      I hate that I procrastinate and that I can get frustrated easily at myself and at situations like crowds and traffic

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

     I liked to play ‘restaurant’ with my sister with our littlest pet shops

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

     I had a really great best friend named Rachel :c

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

     Losing a lot of friends and for being distant for a long time 

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

     Cutting off a friend that was bad for my mental health and who didnt treat me well even though we were best friends for a long time 

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

     My name is literally my parents ship name... like they even told me they chose my name by putting their names together lmao but I mean I like my name so i guess its okay..

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

     Small town in new jersey when I was really, it was nice and family was closer. Then we moved and that was difficult but I ended up adjusting and it was good, had a decent amount of friends and the schools i went to were good

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

     For a long time I shared a room with my sister and we had a bunkbed and I had the top bunk of course, when we moved out of the apartment and into a house I got my own room and it was baby blue only because I told my dad that no, I didnt want a fuckin pink room and that was a whole thing lmao

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

    It was good? but also sucked a lot. I had a lot of issues with my mental health and struggled for a long while with something. I was bullied and stuff at home wasnt always that great. And i got outed so that was fun. Other than that I enjoyed swimming competitively and I got into art

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

I love my mom!! she is the most Mom mom and is so sweet and always there for me. She helps me out so much with so many things and I just love my mom so much

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

     I mean I love my dad? And hes better than he used to be, but he still doesnt help with shit and irritates me a lot. 

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

     I never got to know my grandfather on my moms side bc he passed away a few months before i was born and I sort of knew my grandmother but she lived far away and passed away 10 years ago. I usually see my gramma on my dads side the most and I try to visit often and help her out with stuff and I love her even though she can be a bit... racist and shit.. and I sometimes see my grandpa and step grandma but they can be strict about weird shit and always ask a lot of uncomfortable questions

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

     I dont really do much on my birthdays? Ive had a lot of nice birthdays and it usually involves going out to dinner or having a nice dinner at home and having birthday cake and playing games like jenga or yahtzee.

Peony: What was your first job?

     I did some petsitting for a while but my first real job was being a camp counselor/tower belayer/lifeguard at a girl scout camp

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)?

     Met online after following them for a long time and drawing some arts for them, but didnt really start chatting until stranger things 3 came out bc I saw they had just watched it. Didnt meet irl until fursonacon and I just remember seeing them walking up to my car when I got there and just being like .... oh no.  I had already had a crush but at that point I was just heart eyes      

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

     Its a little fucked up but depending on the type of physical pain I like it? Like getting tattoos and stuff.. emotional/mental I just curl up in blankets and listen to sad music lol

Pink: Where is home?

    I feel like I have many homes? I feel really at home in the mountains, at home with my family, and when Im with my girlfriend

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

     Every event no matter how shitty shaped me into who i am today and Im pretty content and lucky with what I have today so maybe nothing?

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

     My GS leader Miss Kristin. So incredibly kind and outgoing and just willing to do whatever she can to help others. Shes so adventurous and outgoing and made my gs troop so amazing. She is such a wonderful lady and shes basically like another mom to me.

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

     To be with my SO in a nice cabin in the mountains with a nice fireplace. Its cozy and we have pets (especially kitties but also maybe a dog and chickens and such) and life is okay and we’re happy

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

     God and Santa Claus (i was so heartbroken (over santa not God lmao))

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

     My girlfriend and my mom

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

    My gfs voice and their laugh c: and I also really like the sound of thunderstorms and rain

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

     To see my gf again and for winter break to just be here already I am so done with school lol

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

     Difficult? I try really hard to express how I feel but I usually mess up and I get anxious but I try my best lol

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

     Any of my loved ones and my cat 

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

     I wish I got more sleep but it was an okay amount

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

     Good morning texts from my gf and my gf in general

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

      I dont currently have a job but I occasionally do art commissions which is usually fun and gives me something to do 

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

     Any of my flannels and my leather jacket (also not mine but my gfs hoodie they gave to me to borrow)

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic. 

     mountains, cabins, flowers, fall, flannel, small coffee shops, pastels 

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

     Im not one to be picky about gifts? I just love anything that someone put some thought into and thought I would like or reminded them of me but i feel bad if it was something expensive or anything lol

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

     Final exams and graduation

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

     0 lmao I used to read a shit ton but Ive been picky about what books I want to read lately 

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

    Working towards applying to vet school and maybe thinking about moving out depending on a lot of things.

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

     Unfortunately

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

     I like collecting pins, pennies, and postcards which is funny to me

(So in conclusion,,, I love my gf)

(wow that was long as hell and took forever but done!)

[ethereal-lix]

this is a rant, so go on ahead and ignore this

so honestly i dont even know where to start.. like my mood swings are getting bad again. Almost every little thing is upsetting me. then yesterday my friend really really messed me up when she got mad at me and snapped at me bc i didnt text her back because i was busy..

like how are you going to get mad at me bc i was busy ?? i get that you were having a bad day but dont snap at me bc i didnt answer you right away. And to make matters worse the day before she messaged me and told me to call her so i picked up the phone and called her and when she answered the first thing she said was “babe its not a request, i said when you have a chance call me” and i told her that i was off and had the chance right then and there, but the very next day i dont answer her text for two hours and shes snapping at me?? excuse me?? i am NOT at your beck and call.. i have a life of my own. Shocking i know but i have one and it doesnt revolve around fucking bts and you. I want to spend time with my family, especially since i rarely ever see my mom bc she works nights and i work days. I hardly see my sister and her friend bc they stay up all night and sleep all day bc they cant find work right now, so when im leaving for work theyre sleeping and when i come home theyre awake but i gotta go to bed bc im tired and i actually had the chance to do something with them, so how the hell are you going to get mad bc i didnt answer you back??? first of all, you already paid for the last 2 bts movies we saw, and heres the thing, my sister said that with the first bts movie it was a waste for her bc she already saw every clip in the movie except 2. She saw them all on youtube, the second one made more sense bc were never going to get to see bts in concert and even then that was enough for me. im an army, but im not completely in the fandom they my friend is, and she only ever talks about bts and shes always comparing skz and bts or i can say something about skz and she throws it back to bts like no stop, i dont wanna talk about bts, can we pls talk about a group we both have an interest in ?? bc of her im over bts again. i dont care about bts again. im proud of them and everything that they are accomplishing but i dont care. I wasnt even excited about the album bc im over bts.. even when i didnt wanna watch btsvideo she made me, like dude stop and now she doesnt shut up about them. can we pls talk about something different ?? apparently not. and now with the 3rd bts movie she asked if me and my sister were going and we looked at each other (btw me and my sister are in the car talking about this) and we collectively decide that we dont know if we want to go watch another bts movie, so no one answered plus we were in the car talking and having fun on our way to get something to eat. spending time together. and as we were leaving chick fil a (where we ate) she texted us and was like ‘so is no one going to answer’ and i was like ‘sorry we were busy.. what is the movie’ bc if its not a concert movie then i dont want to go, bc thats a lot of reading since i dont know korean and i get lost and confused and im a slow reader and the captions move to fast so i just sit there looking at their faces trying to guess whats happening since i cant understand, so i dont wanna go see a movie that im going to have to read bc i cant do it. its too much for me to keep up with and i cant. Yeah we shouldve messaged her back, but i dont have to message her right away. and the way she snapped at me for no reason, i dont like it. I dont like getting yelled at for helping and i especially dont like getting yelled at for something that i didnt do. like im sorry you had a shit day, but you lie a lot first of al, so i never know when i can believe you. second, just bc you had a shit day doesnt mean that you can yell at me bc i said i was busy. Like dude i get that i never do anything but like there are times when i actually go do stuff and yes those time are allowed to happen and i dont have to include you or tell you. Like dont ruin my mood bc you had a shit day. and this isnt the first time shes snapped at me. all the other times happened when i was trying to help her adn give her advice, but one i suck at giving advice, two, when it comes to relationships i should be a last choice bc I. HAVE. NEVER. BEEN. IN. A. RELATIONSHIP. i have never been on a date, ive never had a guy hug me or hold me hand or kiss me in any way. hell, im 23 almost 24 and ive never even had my first kiss, so you yelling at me and using my birth name when you get frustrated with me isnt fair. You KNOW how much i hate my birth name and using it bc youre frustrated with how im trying my best to help you isnt fair. You know ive never been in a relationship so i can only help to a certain extent, so you cant get mad when im trying to be nice and give you encouraging words. 

i hate my birth name and she honestly calls me that when she gets frustrated with me when im trying to help her with her ex. like honey i know you were engaged and he broke up with you 3 months before the wedding, but honestly you need to move on. he isnt good for you or your mental health, and i never told her that she wasnt trying to move on i just said that i know its easier said than do and that you just have to try hard, i never said that she wasnt trying.

also she messaged me today and asked me when i was off, like excuse you ???? You cant snap on me like that and not apologise adn expect everything to go back to normal. I AM NOT YOUR PUNCHING BAG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM A HUMAN WITH FEELINGS !!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT A PUNCHING BAG YOU CAN SNAP AT WHEN YOUVE HAD A SHIT DAY !!!! and when i snap on her i apologise and let her know that im sorry ive just had a shit day. she has never apologised for using my birth name or snapping on me and now she wants to pretend like nothing happened??? no, i think i deserve at least an apology. i know im not anyone special or anyones number one or favourite, but i still have feelings, and i want an apology, but i also dont wanna talk to her. i just want her to apologise and when im ready to talk ill go to her.

[sadistcatgirl]

i’m having kind of a bad time. it’s a bunch of little things, i think. just a deep sense of dissatisfaction about everything i’m doing. i’m not cutting this post, deal with it.

i recently had a kinda shitty fallout with somebody i considered a pretty decent friend. i’m not completely blameless, and some of the things they said to me had traction, but the majority of it was a gross mischaracterization of me based on their perception of my intent behind doing certain things. but they never talked to me about it, never asked why i was doing those things, never told me that the things i was doing was upsetting to them until it was already too late and they were blowing up at me about it. i know this friend is in a bad mental health place, and i think a new person in their life is trying to isolate them from their old friends and social groups, but there’s only so much i can... do... about that. that might explain some of why they’re acting erratically. mostly i’m worried about my friend, worried they’re gonna do something dumb, but unable to extend the emotional effort to work through this in a real way. that leaves me feeling shitty.

talon and i have been working through some ideas on what she wants to do re: transitioning, and im not gonna go into any of that because its her business, but all of this talking about actions she does and doesn’t wanna take is making me feel some kind of way about my own inertia regarding my gender shit. i keep circling around it and it’s getting harder and harder not to admit that i’d probably be a lot happier as a trans guy, but i’m unable to make myself do any of the steps involved in getting there. i’m afraid of changing my body. it’s the only one i’ve ever had, and it’s always been like this. it’s easy to make grooming and wardrobe choices that get rid of gendered things that i was doing for gendered reasons as opposed to because i like them, but. i think i’d be a happier person if i took it further than that. i’ve never really given a lot of thought to actually doing that, because being the way i am now doesn’t make me feel bad. i have very little gender dysphoria, and the little that i do have is, like. it’s kinda background. it’s easily pushed aside. my tits are small. being soft feels pretty alright. but it’s like... it’s a neutral feeling only slightly bordering on positive, and i think i could feel a lot better if my body was a lot different. i’d rather feel good than neutral, even if feeling neutral isn’t harming me at all, you know? but god, that’s scary!! what if i’m not nearly as cute as a guy as i am as a person who passes as a girl?? i’m... i’m decently cute as a girl. i know this, even if i don’t really like being a girl. but what if i’m just a fucking ugly weird lookin dude? what if taking testosterone reacts negatively with my chronic illnesses? what if it gives me a worse eating disorder than i already have? would i ever even be able to achieve the kind of body i want? i don’t think i realistically can, and that’s always been the thing that stops me. i don’t super care about not having a dick or whatever, but i could never have the kind of build that i want. not with my anxiety and my chronic illnesses and my health troubles and all that bullshit. i can’t work out. i can’t build muscle. i don’t know where this line of thought is going, exactly, except that i’m just. i’m just not happy.

i’m frustrated by my job situation because my attention span keeps being shit and i cant force myself to focus for more than like 3-4 hours in an 8 hour workday, which means my productivity lags waaay behind my colleagues, and they know it. nobody that i work with likes me, they’re absolutely neutral on me at best and at worst some of them think i’m a lazy piece of shit because they see me being out here having a disability accommodation and probably undiagnosed adult adhd and just not performing at the level that they are, and they make their own assumptions as to why this is happening. some lady said something shitty to me about it earlier this year. i only barely skated in under the production quota for the year, which is on my mind because i just finished my performance self-appraisal.

talon just got a job and since she’s doing that for nine hours a day, i don’t get to see her nearly as much, and when we do see each other in the evenings we’re both too tired from work to really do much aside from sit together in silence doing our respective wind-down shit. i hate that. i like having a second income, and i know it makes her feel good to be holding something down, but ugh. i hate this.

i’m not satisfied with the pace of any of my roleplay stories, but i don’t wanna be a nagging or annoying roleplay partner, because god fucking knows i’ve had times when i needed other people to be patient with me. so i’ve been sitting on my hands and not harassing my partners too often, but i’m like. i’m all lit up like fucking christmas, and waiting is agony. it’s bursting to get out of me!! i just wanna get the words out!! i don’t know how to talk about that with them in a way that comes off how i want it to and not needy. or i guess i technically know how, i know exactly how to be like “hey could you just sorta give me a heads up on it if you can’t rp today? not rushing you, i just wanna know so i’m not waiting around for it.” but i don’t have the brainspace to make the diplomatic words go right now, not with all this other shit on me. so i don’t say anything because that feels better than trying and saying it wrong.

anyway i stopped in the middle of writing a roleplay post to write this post instead because i just started crying for no reason in my living room at 3am, lol. i know that sounds alarming, but i’m a really stable person who doesn’t do dumb shit. i’m just dealing with a lot of small buckets of water right now and collectively they’re too heavy to deal with so i gotta dump something. what else are blogs for, i guess.

[swayinghummingbirds]

i feel like i need to blog more stuff out of me to research my own thoughts ignore me or help me either is welcomed. 

so like i was diagnosed with mdd , panic/anxiety disorder so i know how it goes and how it feels and all that jazz. used to be on medication and not for almost two years. i can usually cope well since while i was on medication ifound many ways to do so. but now ive come across season affective disorder and i gotta say i am not a fucking fan. i cant bring myself to do the coping mechanisms because im fucking cold and there is no sun ever.  

this time last year i felt the exact same way and almost moved back to fl but didnt want to give up on tn yet. but im wondering is it maybe time to give up on it? i have no family here. and my family is expanding and growing without me. which makes it worse. 

ive been where i am for almost a year now and its been good. but there are no sidewalks like anywhere? im so tired of sharing walls. sure, its a townhouse and its pretty big and two floors and fire place but my neighbors are so annoying and for some reason in tennessee so many people think its absolutely okay to let their dogs out with leashes? 

knoxville is a really cool city and ive loved living here but idk if i can stand the winter. and its just a mild winter, idk how yall in the north handle it. i see now why when i moved abck to pa for 8 months my mom had it by the time march came around and we moved back to fl. 

a part of me feels like i might even just get bored with where i am after a certain amount of time considering how i was brought up. i have moved 17 times, which is wild for a child. probably why i have a hard time making friends too. 

tried leaving work yesterday after i got my list done (usually isnt a problem for my manager but the ass. manager always fights me with it). i told him three times i already had 2 1/2 hours of overtime and ill be leaving when im finished but bitch never listens to me and acts like he didnt hear me say it to his damn face.Usually i ask just to be polite and make sure but this time im telling him. kind of snapped on him because the day before i just cried all fucking day and had that feeling in my stomach and felt the same way when i woke up. old me would have called out, one because the position i was in was easily fillable but now im actually needed so i go to do my job and if i get done early that means im working my ass off and sweating like a pig to get done three hours early. (and the girl who does the work on the two days im off never gets the shit down or sets the room or anything up in order to have a good morning because the whole thing is very time sensitive and its very frustrating. also she called out like three times this week and made my week shittier than it needed to be.) like bitch no that doesnt mean i want to stay and help with other things after exerting so much energy that i dont even have in myself to begin with. so anyways i cried and then the manager came and talked to me and was understanding because he is aware of my mental health issues and i forgot steve- the ass manager (assistant manager , but also ass because he can be an ass) was not aware. so all in all i talked to my manager and told him and he was very supportive and then i went to apologize to steve and he reassured me i was valued and adored here which was nice. and i had to basically tell him if im trying to leave early it usually means because im feeling like a crazy bitch whos on the break of a mental breakdown so. quit fighting me. 

so anyways. 

even if i did move back fl ive finally gotten myself where i wanted to be in my job but i guess if it was meant to be the universe will take care of it just like it did when we moved here. 

a week before almost moving back to fl my grandparents came to visit and we were in crossville, which is the half way point from here to where we were living at the time and i was like hey lets try knoxville and the next day we went to look at apartments and as we were looking this place went up for rent almost as if the universe here, ask and you shall receive. because i was only looking at places that was in between the three stores that we could have possibly transferred to because i had no idea which one it was going to be i just new it was going to happen. and then when trying to transfer we my fiancees assistant manager knew the manager at this store here and said that he would take both of us and needed help in the area i wanted to be in and i was like wow amazing its all working out. and it did and it was great and then it got cold. and then holidays came. and birthdays came. and i ive learned so much about myself and i feel like yes i needed this part of my life. and now im not sure if istill need it. 

we have a vision of owning a little home a nice big plot of land near the mountains with a spring and creek on site with woods around. if we kept it up and really searched when the time came yeah im feel like we could find it. but what if i still feel this way when were there? then weve bought a home and it would be harder to get rid of. i have a vision of my own business with yoga. i find myself in capable of moving between the months of decemeber and march. then what. even when i get on to the mat i cant get into the flow. 

and what if we move back to fl. would he resent me for giving up on our dreams? will i be tired of people demanding my time and energy? will i bitch about the heat all the time and the fact that neighbros are every where? probably, yes, yes, and yes. 

but will i resent him for not moving back to spend our lives with our families? will i resent myself for not listening to the feeling in my stomach? or would i resent myself if i did listen to that feeling and gave up on the mountainous dreams. 

i know we would welcomed back with opened arms and i know not many would miss us here. 

the mountains are beautiful and so mystical when there. i wonder how it would be to live there. i always end up feeling so creeped out at some point of hikes because i feel like something is watching us, and i know there is, there is always is whether its and animal or a spirit. but sometimes those spirits, or beings, are just so strong of a force. what if we bought a property with one of those that wouldnt be able to make peace with us? i always imagined if we ended up with a property with strong entities then we would make peace and ring singing bowls and plant luscious plants for them. but what if they hate it all. and what if our neighbors down the street end up being cannabilistic cult people? what if some animal tried to maul my dog (which already happens frequently, shes a chihuahua everything is out to get her). what if something happens at oak ridge? i had no idea i was living next to a giant nuclear power plant thing. 

but then its like okay what if theres a giant hurricane that tears my house down (i had a tree fall on my house during matthew which is one reason why we left) or the storm sturge sweeps my house away. trey is scared of tsunamis, not that one has happened there probably ever, idk but it is a weird fear of his. surprisingly tornados do happen in tn too. 

and a day like today, where trey is working all day and i have the day off. there isnt much to do. its cold out so i cant sit on my patio for a few hours like i would in the summer. i dont like to go shopping. i dont have a friend to hang out with, which is my own fault people im really not a big people person. i have hung out with a couple a few tiems, and idk ij ust would rather not. but if i were in fl i could go hang out with my brother, or treys sister, or the few friends i have there. or go to the beach and sit on my own, because its not fucking weird to sit alone there and usually you dont have to worry about getting mugged. i cant go to the parks here on my own. i cant take my dog for walks around here because there are no side walks and people just look shady af everywhere. 

when i went to visit for my brothers wedding in october i realized how i did not appriciate the plant life naturally around all year round when i lived there for 11 years. i guess mostly because it wasnt until two years ago that i really got in to plants but omg i cant stop imagining what our yard would look like if we were in aplace where things could just be outside all year round. i would take cuttings of my plants andjust put them every where have my own little tropical paradise in my front and back yard. 

i know this all is really sounding one sided atm but this time last year i was having the exact same visions and the exact same thoughts. and i thought about how what if my brother has kids and im up here well hello here we are now and thats happening. i feel like i need to be there. theres even a house for sale on the same street as him and all i could was fantasize what i would do to the house and how i would baby sit for them and be able to see my dog that i left with him because ultimately she was is but we co owned her together and just to be there. and be with my mom. shes living in orland with her boyfriend and i feel like the fact shes goingt o be a grandmother might sway him into moving closer, she hates the city and i imagine shes just as depressed as i am to be away and to be in a city where you dont feel safe to go outside alone. we are creatures of nature and both pisces and very sensitive to everything. 

and what if trey and i have a baby at some point? we have no one here to help us. i was thinkg about how our wedding date is a year and like two months away and i have no one here to help me plan. and for a long itme i always imagined myself getting married at this place called sugar mill gardens, a botanical garden that i had always loved in my home town there. when trey and i got together we would pokemon go there and take clippings, and i still have those plants today. but then this new vision came where we would get married on our future property. i feel like we are still a long way away from buying a house here though. idk if we would be there in time. and since we went back in october all i can think about is getting married in sugar mill. he reproposed to me when we were there and that was so sweet and just made me want to be there instead for it. 

this is very long but these are my constant thoughts that all happen at once and it feels nice to get them out to piece them together and not feel so overwhelmed with all them at one time in layers upon layers of thoughts. sometimes my vision even goes out and i dissociate and just work blurred vision cross eyed for ten minutes, who knows maybe its an hour. im back there by myself for eight hours a day idk.