#im finishing my zine for my final project today

[newvegasguidezine]

Volume 2 Q&A!

Thanks so much to everyone that’s filled out the second volume interest check so far! Your input’s been really helpful to us! A few of y’all have asked us some questions, so I’ll address some of them now!

How many submissions are you going to take? We won’t but a cap on applicants, but we can ultimately only accept around 20 artists to work on the zine.

What can contributors provide? Is it illustration only, articles only, a mix of both or could they choose what to contribute? At the moment, we’re only considering artists - two of the mods will be providing the articles! We’ll also be looking for comic artists!

I suppose my question for contributors how much experience you'd like them to have regarding fanworks? We’d love to see artists with experience in working on fanmerch, especially people with an experience making art to be printed, though this isn’t essential!

I'd love to contribute to a zine, but I never post any art/work online, so how can i *prove* im eligible? When artist applications open, we’ll be looking at artist portfolios - this can be submitted as a google drive/onedrive/stash folder, deviantart gallery, art blog, artstation, portfolio website, etc. Anything works as long as we can see your work!

How many pages do you think you'll aim for? And what will the cost be like?  We’re currently looking at around 50+ pages! The final zine will be priced around $25, potentially with additional merch bundles available at added cost.

How was your day today? 

- direct quote from one of our mods!  Another one is chipping away on an article on the Followers of the Apocalypse right now! Thanks for asking! :- O

When can I sign up? Applications will be opening in around a month or so! There’s a few admin things we need to sort with finishing up the first volume, and write a majority of the articles for the second volume, before we can start the application & selection process.

We’ll be revealing a lot more information on the project when applications open!

[swampgallows]

i need to practice driving but i always feel so FUCKING tired. this whole week ive just been exhausted to all fuck. my jaw hurts today. all my teeth hurt. everything hurts. i hurt emotionally and spiritually and i need to overcome being paralyzed with shame about the dentist. im scared she will yell at me (she never would) or do a bad job (she hasnt so far) that will leave me in more pain, like my first dentist. i have to save my teeth while i can but im also terrified of how much it will cost. but i know i cant live like this. and i know it’s not entirely my fault because my dad’s teeth are the same, as were his dad’s teeth, and i’m just stuck with their genetics. ive been brushing my teeth and using my waterpik and wearign my mouthguard every night and i deep disinfect it every sunday in mouthwash and im unfortunately not able to adjust my diet much, but ive been drinking more water, and if i drink soda or juice i have a glass of water with me to chase every sip. even when i drink milk i follow up with water. the problem is i think most of the damage is already done. i can barely eat without being scared i’ll shatter my teeth, and theyre so sharp and pitted it makes it hard to chew anything. 

my dad always says one of his regrets was that he didnt take better care of his teeth, and i feel the same way, but we’re also fucked by our genetics. i mean, his dad had dentures by 17 and soda n shit barely even existed in fucking uhhhh 1930? 

i just feel like a fuckign failure. my body is shit, my brain is shit, my spirit is shit, my heart is shit, my mind is shit. it’s just all fucking shit. 

i just feel like i’m stuck at a dead end. i looked up my code school subscription today to make sure it wasn’t going to charge me for another year and i just thought wow, another thing i fucking failed at. sure i could learn python. but why? what for? still had no idea what i’d even use it for. i had no practical application for it. i dont know what kind of programs id write. i dont want to write programs. i dont want to make video games or work in software. i dont give a shit about computers. i dont care about anything. i dont want to do anything. i dont want to live any more.

im still awaiting the last few people for the zine to write me back. i’m still researching what im gonna do in terms of pre-orders, but i think im gonna have to just host on my own marketplace like tictail or bigcartel or something and then distribute them on my own. once i finish my initial layout for the zine i can finalize a version for the other publisher, then depending on the number of preorders ill send it off to whichever publisher can fulfill the order. lulu has an option to sell through their marketplace but i think i’ll just do it myself either way (since printninja will have to ship to me first, and then i ship out individually).

im having a lot of anxiety about it because my parents were psyched about the project and then just like... id ont know how to explain it, they dont fucking listen to me when i talk and get a wrong idea in their head about what it is that im doing and then act really disappointed when i remind them of the actual reality of  my project. my dad thought i was illustrating a medical journal. 

im just sick of being a failure. im sick of never being good enough.

im sick of writing and im sick of complaining and im sick of being in pain.

maybe i want a beauty and the beast fantasy because i want someone to just take me away from here. i want to end up in a situation where no, i cant come home, no, i dont know when im going to be home, it’s out of my control, just as an excuse to not have to answer to anybody about where i am, and whoever takes me will be tall and strong and powerful, and they can take me to a place where i can ride my bike freely, where i can run through a field of flowers, where i can get access to resources and environments to maintain my health. i need to be uprooted from this blight so i can stop inhaling black mold, but i have nowhere to go and no one to go with. if i were whisked away then i wouldnt have to make the choice. 

the ancient magus bride is a female fantasy for a reason.

[yoitscro]

Ramble time again, lol

My brain has felt “stuffed” for last few months and I think I’m starting to figure out why? Maybe. I mean, outside of the obvious ADHD and depression. It’s more so that it’s felt stuffed over the last two years, actually.

I had some projects that, within the last year, have fallen back from where they should/should’ve been. The next reanimate should been worked on at this point, the pesterquest dub should be half way, meenahquest had to be revamped to the point that i may limit it to either myself or a VERY small team...so on.

I’m choosing to not listen to anyone who claims it’s because the pot finally boiled over with how much I carry. Yes, I do A LOT, more than I should, but I tend to feel a bit hurt if anyone suggests that me being overwhelmed is solely on me and not, like, outside factors. It feels ignorant and slightly one-upping on me for no reason, and like, I’m not going to take that well, lol.

My run of projects was fairly well before that and it isn’t just because I finally bit off more than I could chew. It’s because 2020 set EVERYONE back. It consisted of me being an essential worker during the midst of the pandemic, on top of being one of the many black people in America that were stressing to hell and back. Also, I’d been trying to (still) get over overall trauma that’s come from having a falling out with some ex-Homestucks that decided that publicly trying to stomp out a black person in the beginning of February was some kind of heroic justice. I also still have to live with my mom...which is, alot.

It’s been a mix of things that’ve left me, more so than usual, feeling angry, fatigued, sleep deprived, anxious, depressed, and semi-suicidal (I say semi because having a fear of pain has only had me at most to think about the most painless way to go versus...doing anything. also i still have too many things i wanna do. too many people i still care about for these...rhetorical scenarios. which. still isn’t good).

I guess you could say there’s a lot more going on that maaaaybe just maybe puts projects on the back burner, reasonably so, and well, I’m never one who’s taken well to salt being put in my wounds.

(I remember someone I once considered a friend suggesting that I go to therapy, or asking if I looked into it, despite ignoring the fact that they’d been one of the people that, if not had given gossip to others*, then at least knew that I was being singled out and didn’t do anything to help or at least provide understanding. They in fact felt annoyed that it was getting worse and I was talking about it so much as a sign of help versus actually caring, or at least telling me directly that they didn’t want to hear more, which, while still callous, would’ve sucked less.

*they told me they didn’t and got offended that i even asked, overly defensive, and in the back of my mind I thought about how I was told by another party that they were specifically the one that shared stuff from a private server. though i held my tongue cus that would’ve gotten more people involved...)

(It also sucks that I literally got into HStwt, the time of bad times, the month following when my ex-best friend ghosted me and left me severely depressed in the winter of 2018, but I digress. I’ll save that for another ramble)

I think my recent head stuffiness has more so contributed to the fact that after years of connecting myself to the HS fandom, 6, and overall to fandom throughout my life, I’ve finally found the confidence and skills to want to make something original. Not only that, but to do some other things, such as having time practice in other art medias, overall doing art studies with a pencil, etc. Even doing things outside of my creative outputs, like exercising, or watching an anime or playing a game I wasn’t able to get into two years ago because I was worried about a zine schedule when I wasn’t working or at minimum doing doodles on the side.

Work still doesn’t help. This year I clocked in at 100 hours in two weeks once. It was dreadful.

I also got deep into a new fandom which...hasn’t actually happened SINCE Homestuck. But funny timing, lol.

I guess where I can say that I am now is...hm.

I’m still trying to figure things out. I have projects to finish, and I still have HS ones I wanna do...but I potentially need to diminish the list so I’m not long terming this stuff. I have some big ones I wanna do, and at least one more SAHCon year, two if I feel like having a 5 year con. 

I also wanna try to work or either very small teams, or just not work with anyone for project stuff. I love working in collabs and the mutual benefits, but it can be stressful on relying for certain things, and, I’ve been accused of using people  for clout or so one too many times for my liking.

I have to look at these original ideas I wanna try, some of which like I said requires me to practice certain things that project fatigue won’t allow.

And then, two glaring things to keep in mind:

I’d like to go to college at some point, community, potentially next fall? It gives me time to get some of these hefty things out of the way before I start struggling with math, lol.

Secondly, I really wanna quit my job. I’ve only been dealing with it for 3+ years because it’s not minimum wage nor is it food services -- I can work on my projects on the go. I’m making this journal during my Sunday shift right now!

But it’s gotten suckier with new management, and I’ve never worked with benefits. I think my goal is to just work as long(er) as I can to earn a certain amount of money, and then some time before going to school in fall, I’d take some months of a break. Not only to work creatively in piece with no extra stress, but to get some of these projects done before I scoot my boot.

Honestly, the idea of having a free Saturday again and doing art next to a window sill while listening to youtube commentary seduces me. And if I were to chop down my work load, I’d feel even happier.

Anyways, I guess this was just another vent. I haven’t been able to get any creative work done today bc these thoughts were spinning around in my brain, but I had to write them down so I could also organize what I should do first. 

Apologies to that one anon long ago that got sad that Im not longer silly or whatever <:””((((((