#im exaggerating its not that bad but Still i hate it so much rn

[fxckinemo]

also having a Moment bc i had to trim my hair bc the ends were so bad that little tiny pieces would break off every time i ran my fingers through it but i had to cut a lot and now i feel like it looks stupid and i want to scream

[terraliensvent]

On behalf of someone not in the server, /what/ is the whole myo scandal going on rn? Did they hand out fake myos...? Did they revoke paid myos....? Did staff trade illegal myos to people....??? I'm lost.

OK SO im just gonna give a whole summary of the events of the past few days since it seems a lot of people are confused (also i dont have screenshots EVERYTHING what im about to say, but this is just what i remember from personally seeing it. ill link posts as they come along for context):

the other night, when staff made this announcement regarding coy, shit started to hit the fan pretty fast

this announcement came after almost a full 2 days of weird behavior from staff, like how a lot of them put almost all their terras up for trade and how there was basically radio silence with the staff questions and design concept channels going unanswered. a lot of people noticed how suspicious this was, and this anon was pretty on the money with their theory

so suffice to say everyone was pretty much on the edge of their seats waiting for something big, and after the announcement was made the entire server basically exploded. in the chaos of people trading and running around like chickens with their heads cut off, the mods said they would approve anything submitted to the site. they said they were doing this so they could make the species as bad as possible for when coy took it over, and mods were in the server being very apathetic about it and having an attitude like “idgaf what happens now because we have been getting treated like shit so this is finally the consequences.” this attitude can be seen in the screenshots included here too

during this chaos, people could also ask for myos to be uploaded to their acc for free, which mods would do. so tons of people got “illegitimate” myos. people used their illegal myos and real myos that had been purchased before the downfall to upload tons of characters and some joke characters too, like one that was just a PNG of ellen. during this huge chaos, people were also hating on coy and freely talking about things they disliked about how the species was run as opposed to the chokehold toxic positivity attitude that the server usually had. truly the most euphoric the server has ever been. some coy meat rider was also defending them, and got really aggressive about it and telling people to go fuck themselves (for which they got banned). someone else also made a branch-off server so people could stay in contact with their friends from the terra community seeing as the future was totally uncertain

after a while the “we are approving everything” stopped, and things were a bit more quiet. temul and some mods joined the branch-off server and gave some more deets about the shit coy would do. i also made my Big Post; initially this post was just gonna be positive stuff about how i has a discussion with tycho about suggesting things for the species, but after the announcement was made i was given screenshots to post here by a mod so i just threw it all in the same post. the Big Post made public opinion of coy a lot worse since now there were animal abuse allegations being talked about, but later on with further scrutiny the conclusion was reached that the screenshot was mainly coy exaggerating to try and be funny, but miserably failing. either way, public opinion of coy was and still is totally in the shitter.

the next day, mods put out another announcement that can be summed up as “lol sorry guys everyone get back to business” which is total bs to me considering the shit they were saying the very night before. so now they wanna try and reign in this species when they already did irreparable damage, and now people are switching up and acting like nothing ever happened (i assume its because mods are gonna be looking for new staff soon and they want a piece of the pie lmao)

to fix the monumental fucking issue they created for no reason, they put out another announcement (which i forgot to post here oops sorry pookies)

so basically what theyre gonna do is:

- if you uploaded character(s) that night using illegal MYO(s), you can choose ONE to unvoid (with any changes that need to be made in order to be legal if you have illegal traits and stuff, like for example eyes + mouth), the unvoided terra will be account bound and non voucherable

- if you had an illegal myo from that night but DIDNT use it, or if you didnt get any illegal myos at all, there will be a form to fill out where you can get one free MYO that will create any subtype up to modified (meaning no limited subtypes), the MYO will be account bound until designed. theyre also in the process of figuring out whether theyll give people the choice of using x amount of lim traits or having the terra be voucherable. some of it is still up in the air

- if you used a legal myo to upload your terra, there will be a process a little down the line for you to get your myo and any items back

and this is where were at now, people in the terra server are acting like everythings normal and going along with the toxic positivity mob once more, people in the branch-off server are freely expressing their grievances as they did that night, and im pissed off because i think its a little unfair that people will get to unvoid their lim terras meanwhile other people only get up to a modified. hand out lim myos instead of modified, why are we STILL doing the artificial scarcity youre all acting just like coy

[roseworth]

Tried to follow only to discover I already am. Good job, past me. Thoughts on the changes made to Rose’s character with each reboot?

YES i have so many thoughts

first of all. the new 52 was the worst thing to ever happen to rose and im not exaggerating even a little. she started out as a superboy side character (???) as an assassin that was hired to kill him if he didnt do what they wanted ? then she became a ravager and hunted people down

but the WORST part of the new52 is that they either didnt know or didnt care about lillian worth and they just. made rose one of slade and adeline's kids. and had him raise her.

also she was the oldest child of her and joey, which is nowhere near the same level of awful as the whitewashing but still makes me uncomfortable

yeah so. new 52 was fucking terrible. that is not rose even a little i do not know this woman

but REBIRTH fixed so much <3 christopher priest my bff <3 i am once again recommending deathstroke 2016 bc it has so many good moments and i think its worth reading

the first time rose showed up lillian worth was mentioned!!!!! she was there!!!!! <33333 the timeline was changed a little but i can forgive that bc!!! LILI!!!!!

the problem is that the book made her hmong instead of cambodian and i dont really know why??? but also ive said it before but,,, as much as it makes me upset bc asian identities shouldnt just be interchangeable,,,, this was the first time it was even mentioned that she was half asian since the 90s!!!! and she had a whole arc about her hmong heritage and her family!!!!!!

AND she didnt kill anyone in that book iirc :') the closest she got to killing someone was when she was in the middle of a breakdown then shado killing him for her instead which!!!! i love so so much bc rose does not kill a lot despite what some writers want you to believe. pre52 she has like maybe 3 murders that i would consider in character so the fact that she doesnt kill anyone in ds2016 is so fucking real

anyways ill also count infinite frontier as a reboot bc i love to talk about my opinions

there werent a lot of clear changes in infinite frontier BUT. technically her cutting her eye out is canon rn. in deathstroke inc theres a flashback of her stabbing her eye, and also in dark knights death metal (?) shes drawn with an eyepatch

then she was in robin 2021 which was . eh. it wasnt BAD for her but it was just kinda her continuing to kill ppl ig :( but she was drawn so nice in that book so ill forgive it

side note i still hate the idea of respawn so that bothered me in this book. also what they did to connor hawke is unforgivable so its a net loss but whatever

anyways i think thats all my thoughts. in conclusion: new52 bad. rebirth mostly good. infinite frontier eh. and my own personal interpretation is perfect always.

[heeseongism]

Can you do a mutual appriciation post pls?

Love your works ! Slay bestie 💪🏻💜✨

Ooh okay !! Im rlly bad at writing sappy messages tho so bare with me 😭 also im going thru my following list as im writing so this isnt in any particular order <3 also ty @sluttyenha for re-sending this ily

@foxdaisy MY PRECIOUS DAISYYY 🥺 notice how i said my daisy? Thats bcs shes mine so all of u hoes better back off, daisy should srsly have the Guinness world record for most adorable person in the world bcs my god shes the cutest 🤧 always so so supportive of all her mutuals and never has anything bad to say abt anyone, shes rlly reminds me of this one mutual i used to have on my old acc and it just made me feel so at home on this new blog <33 daisy rlly just deserves the world, she's just that one friend that you can always count on to brighten up your day 💕 i always look forward to the asks that she sends me and ngl i feel my eyes watering sometimes by how adorable she is :( we’re always active at different time but whenever we do interact it makes me rlly appreciate and love her <3

@sunghoonalter raven, oh god where do i start. raven first and foremost is my bae so everyone back off bcs she is MINE MY PROPERTY 🔪 yes i have claimed both raven and daisy deal with it (i may claim some of my other mutuals so beware) shes also my no 1 angst writer even tho i hate reading it bcs it crushes my heart but I'll read it for her ✋😔 honestly raven deserves way more than shes getting on this hellsite BCS WHY TF ARE YALL SLEEPING ON HER DAMN GOD GIVEN WRITING SKILLS?!?!?!? WAKE UP AND APPRECIATE HER FFS shes the cutest girl in the world with her bambi eyes and might i say beautiful lips 😩 also her humor >>>>>>> it makes me love her even more than i alr do. We may disagree on some stuff (her being bambi and sunghoon having tiddies) but i still love her nonetheless ! I hope ive made her tumblr experience just a little bit better just like she did with mines ❤

@hee-pster - jan my fellow girl boss and lifeline is by far THE LOVELIEST person ive met on this site and im not even over exaggerating. She was the first person i properly interacted with and she immediately made me feel so comfortable on her and ilh for that 😭 she rlly deserves all the praise and love that she recieves bcs shes just such a kind, funny, and bubbly mutual who im proud to call my friend :( shes also hilarious and i love how we can both match each others energy, shes such a beautiful person and i just know shes beautiful on the outside too 😔 we wouldnt be able to handle a face reveal 💔 i rlly do love her, so much that words cant explain how much she means to me, I'll always try my best to be her supportive moot 💕 I hope she always remembers to take care of herself bcs life can be an ass sometimes <3

@jaylaxies aria aka the president of coochie clenching smuts AKA MY QUEEN 😩 WHY IS NOBODY ON THEIR KNEES BOWING TO HER FEET RN??? She is just so so hardworking and i rlly admire her for her perseverance despite all the obstacles she faces on her blog. Shes such a gorgeous person inside and out and shes still so humble even after gaining a massive follwoung which makes me love her sm more. Shes just one of the ppl who im extremely proud to call my friend bcs its not every day you meet someone as amazing aria, shes a rare gem fr 💕💕 I want to give her the world and to protect her from all the hate but sadly im merely a 19 yr old with multipe deficiencies and couldnt fight for my life without shattering my bones. However i hope that my love and affection can help her even if its in the tiniest way possible. Shes honestly one of the sweetest ppl ive met on here and i always look forward to her posts and when we interact :(

@end-hyphen MY LITTLE 5'2" GENIE IN THE BOTTLE 🧞‍♀️ ik alot of ppl say this but genie rlly is just like a big bundle of sunshine and she never fails to make my day whenever i see her in my notifications :( literally a free package of positivity like WHAT DID I DO IN MY PAST LIFE TO DESERVE BEING BLESSED BY SUCH A WHOLESOME HUMAN BEING ??? We haven't been mutuals for very long but i rlly hope our friendship can last for a very very long time bcs tumblr would be so lifeless without her, the happiness would literally be drained out of my tumblr experience ngl 😭 im always looking forward to when we interact and just seeing her interactions with other ppl on my dash makes me so happy that theres still sm positivity despite all the hate anons ew,, genies rlly is just a beautiful person both inside and out and i wish her all the happy things in life!

@jaysbiceps amy or should i say my angel in disguise and by disguise i mean KINKY LEATHER CORSET,, i legit never wouldve expected someone as sweet and GORGEOUS as her could be this sexy but im loving it. Amy is probably the person i dm the most on here, and shes just the cutest most adorable mutual i could ever wish for. Shes so supportive and is always checking up on me which i appreciate vv much, whenever i say i love her i rlly do mean it. I love our talks whether its abt being horny or screaming abt random drama she never fails to make me laugh even if im having a rough day :( She deserves all the love and happiness in the world and i hope she doesnt have to deal with nasty anons anymore bcs or else i will personally go to their house and drain the happiness in them and then gift it to amy.

@shu-ramyeonz shu is... chaotic to say the least... BUT SHES MY CHAOTIC BAE (another one added to the list hehe fight me if u object) I love how she always acts so friendly with ppl even if its the first time they've interacted she acts as if they've know eachother forever nd have gone thru 5 divorces together 😔 I admire her sm for her confidence and positivty despite all the haters in her inbox who hve nothing better to do. also she looks exactly like a pinterest girl THE ENVY UGH 🤧 anyways i love her sm she's always hyping me up and complimenting me for no reason whatsoever which never fails to cheer me up 💕

@hwxnghyynjin BILLIE MY HANDSOME BOY, firstly can we just appreciate how god damn sexy he is bcs the fact that there isnt a billie visuals appreciation day where we all cry over how hot he is doesnt sit right with me 🤨 billie is a mutual of mine from my old acc so we go WAYYY BACK and i can't think of any other mutual i would rather have find this acc (well technically i told him but who cares) he is the cutest bean ever and his smile is so so so so precious it just lights me up inside hes so cute sjakhska :(( someone stop me im fangirling anyways billie is just the light of my life rlly and we dont interact much nowadays but i still feel so comfortable with him which is a huge thing for me. I just love him 😭

@lunarxsun luna is the cutest most adorable most precious person to exist istg words cant explain how hard working she is, i rlly hope one day she gains the recognition she deserves bcs her ocs are SO GOOD 😩 shes always so positive no matter what the haters say and i love that abt her. She's always coming into my ask box to give a little hello and i rlly appreciate it so so much, she's always thinking abt those around her and u can tell she genuinely loves her mutuals, shes such a good person and im manifesting with her that she meets her future husband at the COOL club ;)

@clelevanters tala is an angel that was sent down by god for being too horny and i will stand by that statement 😤 she rlly was blessed by god with those stunning visuals and stunning voice too?? Apparently she sings and im crying bcs i haven't heard her heavenly voice yet 😭 shes such a positive bundle of energy and i love when she randomly pops into my ask box simping over enha or the dark moon characters sjsjsksj tala also shares my pegging kink ugh could she get any better. Shes yet another one of my mutuals who i just wanna protect with all my might and also the fact that shes younger than most of us makes her so babie :( enhablrs babygirl me thinks

@polalvsjy MAE IS THE HUMAN PERSONIFICATION OF COTTAGECORE ISTG SHES SO SOFT AND CUTE except she listens to chase atlantic- shes one of the most beautiful person ive seen im not even joking. She gives off HUGE golden retriever vibes and its so adorable 😭 literally jakes soulmate in my opinion. She's also extremely talented LIKE FIRST SHES AN AMAZING WRITER AND THEN I FIND OUT SHE CAN SING LIKE AN ANGEL, DRAW LIKE PICASSO AND DANCE?!?!? God truly does have favorites 🤧 i always look forward to seeing her on my dash and in my inbox <33 i feel like it’d be rlly nice to just have a picnic with her and talk abt anything bcs shes so easy to speak with <3

@forjongseong NANA IS LITERALLY MY SOULMATE ATP HER MUSIC TASTE IS CHEFS KISS SHE ALSO LISTENS TO MAYE TOO SO LIKE 😍 once again a very very very talented mutual of mines,, her carmesi series OH MY GOD SHE MADE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH THE SECRETARY!JAY AGENDA. We actually dont interact as much as it feels like we do bcs i just feel so comfortable with her and i love that abt her, i love how shes such a kind inviting person and also extremely pretty too might i say 👀 shes adorable and her love for jay is even more adorable skjndk i always look forward to seeing nana on my dash and i hope we can become even closer!!

@drunkjaked SAX IS ALSO MY SOULMATE STFU she introduced me to kehlani and i’ll always love her for that 💕 we also havent interacted much but it feels like shes a lifelong friend whenever we talk with eachother! Shes such a talented writer and im proud to be mutuals with such a sweet and funny person such as her. I hope that in the future we can become closer friends and i hope she takes care of herself <33

@donghoonie-3 AVERY MY LOVE istg describing how precious they are is impossible, i always love seeing them interact with other ppl on my dash, and HE ALSO SHARES MY LOVE FOR SUBBY HOON 🥹 the best sub!hoon blog on here imo. I dont have much to write bcs we dont interact much but i truly do love and care for them <33

@hee-pot @vivvys @robyncore @4hsng @thots4hee @softforqiankun @amourhee @svnoohe4rts @muffinminnie @criceofpain @blond4enha @sluttyenha @taekookstiddiemilk @nyanggk @valley-of-lies @2minbin @heetro @pandorasblogbcuzican @tfwheeseung @yunskies @jinfie-lvr ILY GUYS I RLLY DO BUT WE HAVENT INTERACTED ENOUGH FOR ME TO WRITE ANYTHING 😭 but i srsly do love u all equally and i hope we can interact more in the future mwah <33 also if i missed out any moots the same goes for you guys

[nikomedes]

saw this in a tag and decided to give it a whirl. consider urself tagged for it if u want to make a version. i don't think i have any hot takes here, but details below the cut:

fav game of all time: basic bitch hours, it's new vegas. this shit is bugged to hell, crash constantly, and every year gets less accessible to play on pc. and yet. and yet...

favorite series: i love stealth action and immersive sims so much, and the world of dishonored just whips. don't think i rly need to justify lol

best soundtrack: ive been addicted to the soundtrack for paradise killer since i played it. it's got range but also, vaporwave music beats ass? if thats the right genre? love it

favorite protagonist: okay so mass effect is kind of a cop-out bc you can customize the protag visually and through moral choices, BUT. the voice work on femshep is iconic and i loved the story i told with her. its a lifelong treasured memory

favorite "villain": im not rly a villain fucker so this was a tough one. glados would be a gimme, but thinking about it, i really enjoyed fighting the darkness in alan wake a lot. the way it possesses people, animals, and objects is still very cool. also, i wanted to get alan wake on the board. cool dude stephen king sim my beloved

best story: if you've played outer wilds you know, if you haven't go play it. if you can't (it rly fucks with the motion sick), im so sorry. it was so cool unraveling the mystery of this game and the ending rly got me

have not played but want to: don't drag me please. i want disco elysium very badly but i have a lot going on rn and can't give it any time sdlkfjdljf

you love but everyone hates: i can't speak to vocal hatred, but ive found over the years people don't care for bioshock 2 as much as others in the series. i love it. i love the endings, even the bad ones. big sisters are for lesbians, etc

you hate but everyone loves: again, "everyone loves" is a wild exaggeration given the drama around c/yberpunk, but i think it does have its devotees and people who stuck with it after the patches. i couldve put d/etroit become racist here too, but i wanted to stick to games i actually played. i put 15 hours into this game and loved parts of it, but ultimately had to stop playing bc the extreme fixation on sex and trivializing exploitation started to... actually trigger me! oops! my bff made me uninstall my pirated copy lmfao

best art style: sable is so simple yet so beautifully rendered. i played it to 100% completion and loved every minute. i had this game in several categories as i made this, including relaxing game, but it's maybe my favorite example of "less is more" in game art.

favorite ending: now i wasnt on the 10 year long ride for kentucky route zero some people were, which i can't blame anyone for affecting their opinion of the ending. i played this game over three days once it was finished and open-mouth sobbed my way through the ending, though. so. you should get hurt too!

favorite boss fight: can we talk about the esseJ fight in control. please god im dying to talk about the esseJ fight in control. accessing the optional boss, her outfit, and the fight itself are all just... so choice

childhood game: my first video game ever was armored core for the ps1! could this be why im obsessed with robots? who could say! my mom played it with me, too, which makes it very special for me

relaxing game: listen, the actual story of eliza isn't especially relaxing, given it grapples with mental illness, therapy, and implementation of machine-learning ai. but kabufuda solitaire. catch me on my virtual phone inside this video game playing hours of kabufuda solitaire.

stressful game: i love prey conceptually so much! so much! and at every turn i am terrorized by mimics

game you always come back to: fallout 4 couldve fit here too, because for me they occupy the same space of "ive put too many hours of my life into this long video game, i have GOT to stop starting new saves," but i think the story of dragon age: inquisition is fundamentally better, so. every few years im back to get a weird green hand vagina again

guilty pleasure: i hate the story of fallout 4. i just do. i also dont like other choices they made with the world and lore for it, and nick valentine isn't even romanceable. cringe. but also im addicted to the base building mechanics and i have probably 500+ hours in it between xbox and steam

tons of hours played: just edging out fallout 4 for hours of my life spent making virtual buildings nicer, its stardew valley! top tier depression gaming. maru is the best wife

i will put an honorable mention for pokemon sword, which i dont think fits any of these categories for me particularly well, but which has been keeping me alive the last two months lmfao

[lavendersage]

Hi, i hope you are having a nice day 💖 i just wanted to share something cuz i could rly use some comfort rn. Im currently recovering from a toxic friendship that i ended a few months back and every day i wake up hurt. They were an internet friend who disrespected me and talked about me behind my back with people who are no longer in contact with me to analyze my "bad" behavior towards them (as in what happened between us etc) which i find out after i broke the relationship off and blocked them, after several other incidents i went thru with them alone. I received a lengthy text about how im a horrible person and i have been accussed of bad things i havent even done and im not as a person and basically had every action and word twisted to benefit their hate towards me and even tho i know its not true it constantly gets to me. I felt unsafe, unheard and unappreciated so i left peacefully. But that made them so mad they found me and had to spit out all the horrible things they thought about me (even during the relationship when i thought we were okay, i was told that most things about me were a red flag to them but they brushed it off cuz i wasnt that important to them) and gave me advice on how i should be or else nobody will ever love me and i need to toughen up and get over things (i have a few different mental illnesses). This person claimed to be my best friend from their own mouth when i asked if we are close enough to consider ourselves that literally a week before i blocked them and then dared to call me manipulative back. I have great friends now and i love them dearly, but this and similar things happened to me with a few other people and it hurts so much. I dont understand why people are allowed to disrespect me and make me lose sleep crying over them but as soon as i do something to defend myself im the worst person in the world. Maybe im just too calm and open minded but i would never come for someone who i hurt lecturing them on why they shouldnt be hurt and it sucks that i have to live thru that and have someone out there talk about me in bad manner as we speak. I know they are a bad person and they have shown it clearly and i see it, but im just having such a hard time repeating their words in my head. It makes me feel like im not worthy of basic human decency and my needs are invalid and wrong cuz they are mine. They didnt believe me i was abused in the past cuz they believed it was my tactic to make people feel bad for me so i can manipulate everyone just cuz they decided im like that and the abuse i went thru is something im extremely passionate about in a sense of i rly want to recover from it but people like this make me take a step back every time. Im so tired of these thoughts circling around my head and this past is just so so hard to carry i wish i never met them and i could erase them from my head cuz the way i was treated and left off makes me sick thinking about it 😔 i feel the need to talk about it with as much people as possible to convince myself im not the bad one in this story, i hope you understand

hi anon. i will admit your story feels a little jumbled and unclear to me but i do understand that you were hurt by a “friend” in the past who used a common abuser tactic by turning other people against you through making up fabrications about who you are or exaggerating the truth, and that kind of thing is hard to forget. i dealt with a similar friendship a few years back and i still have a lot of trouble communicating my needs and sticking up for myself because of it. for many of us, it isn’t easy to live with the idea of someone thinking poorly of you, especially when the things they seem to believe aren’t truthful—i get that.

you say you have great friends now and that’s wonderful!! i think the best thing you can do for yourself at this point is try and stop letting those toxic people live in your head rent free. i get that their hurtful words won’t be easy to forget, but try to keep the knowledge that you have good friendships around you close to your heart. i hope you’re able to work through these feelings in a healthy way and grow the friendships that enrich your life, not dwell on the ones that made it darker 💚

[zer0comma]

just wanna show my appreciation for gorillaz and my gratitude for them because they opened my eyes and ears to new different forms of art and genres of music. it's kinda long but ive been feeling a lot of love for damon and jamie recently so i had to write it down. before discovering them i never really cared about animated music videos. and even tho i draw, and i did enjoy watching them, i never really appreciated the hard work that was put into making them and just considered them as short cartoons that were made to catch your attention or some sort of a replacement when the artists weren't creative enough to film their own music videos (very stupid of me, i know. i was dumb and judgemental). it wasn't until i was 16 that i started to become more curious about the whole process of making animated videos and that started mainly because of gorillaz. for some reason i have always felt attracted to their music videos even tho i wasn't really into their music back then (i did enjoy some of their hits like clint eastwood, feel good inc and dare, but being the dumb and judgemental edgy, grunge lover teen that i was 3 years ago, i didn't allow myself to enjoy them). i remember reading the comments and seeing fans mention the characters and i was very intrigued by that. eventually, in april 2018, i decided to give them another shot. i was just getting out of my grungy and edgy phase even tho i still hated on anything that was released after the 90s. i kept listening to their singles and i was just blown away by the animation. how smooth and original and creative it was. how much it fitted the music even tho the storyline and the music weren't that connected. i was just fascinated and it was after listening to rhinestone eyes and looking at the storyboard that i started to realize that this band was very special, and the more i learned about them the more i started to appreciate all the time and energy and money and passion and love and devotion that have been put into this project. i started looking at a lot of pictures of the official art and i loved it a lot. it was so absurd at times, but also very unique and original and fun and lively. and what made me more interested was watching the bananaz documentary and seeing jamie hewlett work behind the scenes, and listening to the interviews that the animated band members did. i really, really liked how each character is different from the other and how interesting and unique and funny they were. reading rise of the ogre made me even more attached to them. it was during that time that my appreciation for animation started to grow. i started paying attention to all the small details that make animated videos so damn special. i started to appreciate it as a tool for entertainement and a tool for self expression. it was seriously a huge turning point for me, and i started watching a lot of different animated movies and most of the time they manage to blow me away. now let's talk about the music! i can never thank this band enough for making me get out of my comfort zone and give other music genres a listen. as i said, i was really into grunge (ironically, it was one of the main reasons why blur never made it in the us at the early 90s, but now im huge britpop fan), and i had this very wrong idea that rap music was bad, that pop music was trash, that keyboards and synths and electronic music in general didn't deserve a lot of praise because it wasn't played with loud electric guitars (im literally facepalming at my own stupidity rn, i was a very cringy 15 yo). i literally did not listen to anything else except nirvana for almost 2 years. discovering gorillaz (and later blur) completely changed my persepctive on music. it literally changed my life. i'm not even exaggerating. the year i discovered gorillaz, 2018, was the worst year of my entire life so far. and if it wasn't for the artists that i discovered thanks to gorillaz and the artists i finally allowed myself to enjoy after gorillaz changed the way i listen to music (like the strokes!), i would have done a lot of dark shit. anyway, back to gorillaz. at the beginning, i wasn't really into the songs that had rap features on them. i didn't like plastic beach that much because it was heavily influenced by electronic music. i didn't even listen to humanz. i was very selective when i was listening to their music at the beginning. but then i tried to push myself to give them another chance. i decided to listen to demon days without skipping a single song. i read a little bit about the record and what it was supposed to mean to put myself in the context of the album and i listened. my 1st listen didn't do much for me. it was during my 2nd listen however that i felt like my third eye just opened. i tried to pay attention to the lyrics, to put myself in the mood of the album, and that's when i started to understand the message the album was trying to convey and i started to emotionally connect to the music. i started to realize the importance of each of the guest artists. how honest the rap on dirt harry felt. how scary and powerful de la soul sounded on feel good inc. how smooth mf doom sounded on november has come. it was a wonderful moment. that's when i started to accept the fact that ITS OKAY to listen to anything that wasn't 90s noise rock. eventually the rest of their songs started growing on me and i found myself introduced to a lot of artists ive never heard of before. i'm currently listening to de la soul and i'm still mad at myself for not giving this kind of music a chance. last week i started listening to fatoumata diawara's discography after hearing her for the 1st time on désolé and i'm just blow away by how great she was. her music makes me emotional and ive been only listening for a week. also this may sound embarrassing, but being an african girl myself, a tunisian girl from north africa to be exact, i never learned to appreciate the music of my own country until last year, and it's basically because of damon albarn and his interest in african music. i know that having a white man encourage you to embrace your own culture is weird, but the main reasons why i decided to listen to our music again were as i mentioned before, damon's love for african music and my willingness to listen to different genres and styles thanks to gorillaz. i just want to thank damon and jamie and everyone who's been involved with the project. i know that the band has been facing some small issues related to the storyline and the consistency of their music but that doesn't stop them for continuing to be an inspiration not only for me but for hundreds of thousands of people over the globe. i'm just very grateful for their existence and i wish them nothing but the best because they truly changed my life for the better.

[shyung-shoes]

tagged by the absolutely wonderful @kyunsies <3333 (i didnt know u changed ur url till this post!! its v cute!!)

20 questions!!

1. what do you prefer to be called name wise?

my full name is jillian but everyone calls me jill (except my family, especially my mom) i love nicknames tho but have never really had one beyond jill so if u give me a nickname ill die

2. when is your birthday?

aug 28

3. where do you live

east coast babyyyy

4. three things u are doing right now?

procrastinating on an assignment, watching a drama (while you were sleeping), and ignoring the basket of laundry i need to put away

5. four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now?

apink, gwsn, astro, april!! im still very new to all these groups tho so if anyone has any content/music recs, please lemme know :D

6. how's this pandemic been treating you?

it was a lot harder at first w/ the sudden transition from college to home. i was super happy at school and it was rough on my brain to be back home. but now ive adapted more and am doing better! i cant wait to go back to school though god

7. a song u cant stop listening to right now?

gonna reveal the extremes of my music taste but uh after the bloom (alone) by gwsn and bonfire by childish gambino. also without me by eminem. idk i think ive been feeling very angry/annoyed so rap is just a good way to get it out. and ive been fuckin so hard w/ gwsn’s discography that i had to put them on here

8. recommend a movie

tune in for love! truthfully, i prefer watching tv to movies but i watched this the other day and really enjoyed it! very cute and the ending was an actually satisfying ambiguous ending which is rare i think. its on netflix :P

9. how old are u?

18- im almost always the baby among my friends :// and i think im the baby on here a lot too

10. school, university, occupation, other?

im a rising sophomore in college and currently working as a dance teacher and waiting to hear back about an internship that’s actually in my field (event managment)

11. do u prefer heat or cold?

cold! i run hot naturally so i overheat super easily and i hate that feeling of sweating and being lightheaded. winter fashion also is much more my speed with boots and big jackets and darker lip colors

12. name one fact others may not know about u

im in a sorority! i think one or two people may know on here but i dont talk a lot about it. gamma phi baby (also @kyunsies youre only 4′11?? a baby!!)

13. are u shy?

i wouldnt call myself shy, im just anxious so im much more quiet when i meet someone for the first couple times. once im comfy w/ someone, my personality really comes out for all its dramatic glory

14. do u have preferred pronouns?

she/her

15. biggest pet peeve?

almost all my pet peeves have to do w/ eating lolol cause i get really bad anxiety and sensory overload from things like chewing sounds. so when people eat with their mouths open or let their silverware scrape across their teeth frustrates the hell out of me. the last one feels very specific but it irritates me yeet

16. what is your favorite ‘dere’ type?

tsundere or dandere i guess?? when a character starts to open bc of their love interest... i love it. ESPECIALLY when that character then becomes more open w/ other people because of their love. this also probably explains my natural tendency to love scorpios i think

17. rate your life 1-10, 1 being rlly crappy and 10 being the best it could ever be

i think im a solid 7 rn! which is honestly a lot better than i wouldve given it a month ago so thats a plus. im struggling w/ some mental health things rn but honestly, im pretty content with the way things seem to be unfolding for me

18. what’s your main blog?

this one! its not my actual main blog but this is the only one i use, tumblr just wont let me make this my main bc its dumb

19. list your side blogs and wha they’re used for?

i had a voltron side blog back in 2017? i think? but i havent watched the show in years bc its problematic as fuck i just didnt realize it back then

20. is there anything u think people need to know about u before becoming friends with u?

i am an extremely inconsistent responder- i am the epitome of the will respond in 2 seconds or 2 days thing but i will always respond to your message at some point. if this is about friends irl, its that i always have an earbud in and thats not an exaggeration- listening to music always makes me less anxious so i constantly just have an earbud in in case i feel myself get jittery. so i promise i am paying attention even if it doesnt look like it- im top tier at being able to pay attention to a song and a conversation

ill tag... @wennjunhui @leexchan @iiasha @lovechwe @1of1orbit @agemnor(theres ofc no pressure!!! <33)

[isisisak]

I actually sent you a skamit ask last time but tumblr ate it, and it was me rambling about Elia (what's new?), can you believe the nerve? But I don't think I can retype that bc I'm not fully recovered from friday clip yet. I mean, I am enjoying this season, I still have Edo on probation, I realize it's not fair to him and I have a lot of preconceptions, but I don't feel like rushing to judgment bc we all know what I'm waiting for lol but at the same time I was not able to enjoy the clip (1/3)

(2/3)bc of what happened to Marti. It was such a powerful scene, and let me tellyou, the universe was trying to protect me bc I was watching it during dinnerand my internet connection went away just before everything went down, and Iwas able to watch it only afterwards. Thank God bc I would not have been ableto eat anymore. On one hand I'm so grateful for this bc it's such an importantscene and sadly it's so... true, but it hurt like hell,

(3/3)I'm not exaggerating, I actually felt physically sick and it's killing me thatwe don't have any followup on that. It overshadowed everything else. I'mconflicted about it. (also, I see you being discreet about this season lol isit a good thing? a bad thing? If you feel like it I'd love to hear yourthoughts about it) ps. I got captcha -ed again I'm so sorry

 Lolspeaking of tumblr hating you … hahaha

ELIAbless – yeah man I still don’t know how to feel about him either…. Im soconfused by liking him and noah im…… am I turning toxic over here or are theydecent (faulty and eh some times but no dickhelms …. YET)

Ohgod don’t remind me my poor bby deer and then they went into hiatus the NERVEludobesse really does hate us doesn’t he

ItIS important but also can we not just bubble wrap him with his freckles and hugebrown eyes

I promiseim not quiet for a reason or well for another reason than uni really kicks myass rn …. Its supposed to be my last semester but I will prolongue for one morebut even then it feels like the workload is so much … but im all caught upnow!!! (apart from druck but eh … idk and I saw what happened in gifs and …idk)so I will try and stay on it and then can finally live comment again and yelland cry with all of you  

Hahahha@ the captcha

[naernon]

for the ask meme (TES, obvs): 3,9, 13 (for naemon), 23!

thank you!! i wrote this all last night and i havent checked for coherency or errors so forgive me if it’s a bit scatterbrained at times (although yall should be used to incoherency coming from me ghhgfg.)

____

3.) Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion?

someone said that they didn’t like serana and i was already sitting on the decision to unfollow them for other reasons and that. that was just the Final Straw.

but i think that’s it…? im so petty + impulsive (deadly combo) at times that maybe i did unfollow over a TES opinion another time but i can’t remember hgufuhfhxdfh

____

9.) Most disliked character(s)? Why?

OOF this is a hard one, ill list the ones that come to mind rn;

molag bal. needs no explanation

darren guitar or whatever his name is. im sorry to anyone who likes him but i just.. can’t. he’s so obnoxious. he was toned down in summerset, probably because different people were writing him if i had to guess but in the main and daggerfall covenant questline? awful. his goddamn womanizing jokes at every second of the day was “kim, there’s people that are dying” at its finest.literally one or two “haha ladies amirite fellow man ;)/haha ladies amirite……… lady ;)” jokes can be.. bearable albeit still annoying but there was so much more than that. or they were so obnoxiously written that it seemed to be more frequent than in actuality, either way, darren guitar? 0/10also my view of him hasnt gotten better since someone sent me a rude ask about how darren had more personality than prince naemon in-game due to me joking about how i don’t like him and then subsequently blocked me for being irritated about the rudeness of the ask + the fact that im 99% sure they were the anon that appeared in my fucking inbox defending darren guitar every single time i breathed a single word about him

i completely forgot he existed until you listed him as disliked and now i hate him even more. that fucking. bard from the bannered mare. the one that harassed carlotta until you told him to fuck off. i hate that dude. always have

abnur tharn. mildly obnoxious with some amusing lines until you find out what he did to queen ayrenn like. small dick mannimarco joke is now renounced, little man. Perish.my view on Estre is Complicated because she’s a really neat character and villain and ranks as a favorite in the latter department but from like, a moral standpoint i loathe her.also while it wasn’t like. pelidil levels of shittiness i’m not fond of how she hurt naemon– but then again……. now that i think of it, i really don’t know what’d she COULD do other than keep him in the absolute dark until he inevitably gets caught up in the Shitshow otherwise. i wouldn’t suppose naemon to be 100% willing to join in her efforts or even keep completely quiet about them if she did decide to talk to him about it or let him know; and for all we know, she could’ve planned to do so eventually in some way– but the suddenness of the AD hero’s infiltration of the veiled heritance probably ruined any semblance of a plan she could’ve had. so on second thought, even from a “naemon is a perfect being and i will protect him with my life and loathe all who hurt him” standpoint, i don’t dislike her too much. let’s just reduce estre to like.. honorable mentions on my “disliked characters” list then lmao(also “moral standpoint” as if queen ayrenn is anything close to the pinnacle of absolute morality. estre is objectively worse on that front, though, so i suppose i still stand by that)

speaking of which i really… don’t like pelidil. again, moral standpoint. and “naemon is a perfect being and i will protect him with my life and loathe all who hurt him” standpoint. otherwise, he’s a neat villain and the quest in which you cut him down was one of the more impressive quests in the game IMO, or even in the entire game series. good build-up.

this is getting too long so i’ll cut it there, that’s all the characters that come to mind rn anyways hfhgdhg

____

10.) Unpopular opinion about XXX character?

hmmmmmm

i guess if you view it in such a way, liking him is kind of unpopular– while there’s still a lot of those who even if not actively talking about him as a character, have praised his character/took his side/whatever, there’s also a good amount who don’t. not really in considering him a poorly written character, but rather from a (sorry to bring this phrase up so much so far) moral standpoint.

also, considering him in a semi-unironic “he did nothing wrong” way, which i do, is kind of unpopular– and i can understand that, in some ways. i dont think him snapping at the scene of the orrery was under his 100% control nor was anything subsequent, but there’s still the fact that he still is in an “i deserve the throne, fuck off” mindset in coldharbour, which, unless he’s STILL affected by the mantle and/or the orrery, is obviously a negative change in viewpoint compared to the “i’ll swallow my bitterness and remain loyal to my sister and the dominion, she is the rightful queen and i am just her shadow” you saw prior.

granted, i’d argue that even then, you have to consider the influence that pelidil had over him prior (as some have accurately put it before– whispered poison into his ear). especially with the fact that naemon’s quite young for an elf at… 26? around that age-range. i dont think altmer’s minds work in the way that, say, hobbits do, in that they age slower and this includes their mental capability, decision-making, etc.. (they obviously don’t) BUT, compared to an elf with more experience, there’s a bit of an… imbalance there. pelidil WAS the one who served naemon instead of the other way around so you’d figure the opposite if anything, but again, naemon = impressionable and emotionally vulnerable at the time.

anyways, got off-topic; my point was that naemon, when you consider the influence that pelidil and any other secretly heritance people that interacted with him, even when you use the fact that he still seems “corrupted” in coldharbour to frame him as bad… that ain’t it. there’s also the fact that he is being tortured, at that moment. big part of it. he PROBABLY isn’t in the right state of mind, to put it simply. but then again, i mean, one could still argue a whole “cool motive, still murder” take on it, so whatever. i dont know man ghfghduhbdfg

YIKES i rambled, holy shit. sorry. but otherwise, i dont think i have too many? there’s not much in the prince naemon…. sub-fandom, at least not enough to be able to render one opinion as unpopular compared to the next

(and i. Guess that headcanoning him as trans definitely has the potential to be unpopular. but i dont really talk about it or “enforce” it much other than off-hand comments that might imply such, drawing him with top surgery scars, etc.. so it hasn’t exactly been given any room to be considered remotely unpopular. haven’t gotten anon hate, snide comments, etc.. about any of it at all so it’s cool. but i’ve brought it up because… you know how fandoms are; if there was more to the prince naemon “fandom”, theoretically, it would be and therefore kind of IS an unpopular opinion. “does your arm hurt from reaching cassius” ok look, i just felt like i needed to provide one more unpopular opinion about naemon and i couldn’t figure out any other than that. but yes. yes, hurts a little)

____

23.) Unpopular character you love?

unpopular as in commonly disliked, or unpopular in… amount of people that like them? with the latter, it’s def naemon. i love him with all my heart gfigufhgdugdfh but then again who didn’t know that

with the former… hm. the thing is a lot of characters disliked in this fandom are disliked with good reason IMO– nevermind. almalexia. not to open any #diskhorse wounds but almalexia’s one of them ghdfhguhg jot that down

and i’ve heard some talk that veya is kind of unpopular, what with the recent summerset developments? yeah, fuck that, veya’s one of my favorites. this fandom (or. any fandom lets be real) has an awful tendency to praise any goddamn male character’s flaws or “negative” depth as redeemable character complexity and something that can be looked past, and yet, you see even REMOTELY the same amount if not more character depth in a female character and they’re hated. pointing this out is nothing new but it’s truly just…. something to behold.

and on that note im just going to renounce my prior statement of “a lot of characters disliked in this fandom are disliked with good reason” that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever said. or perhaps an addendum stating that it’s only applicable to male characters is more in order? or that it’s the opposite for male characters: liked with bad reason. or… liked with over-exaggerated reason disproportionate to the actual amount of depth, complexity, and/or likeability said character actually has, paired with hatred for female characters with the same amount of complexity. “bruh don’t you obsess over prince naemon–” Yeah And What the Fuck Of It

anyways moving on sorry i got distracted hgdfgyfgh. that’s all the characters that come to mind? disregarding characters that are unpopular in an unappreciated sort of way rather than a disliked way, i really dont have a lot

____ 

salty fandom (elder scrolls) opinions

[terryblycute]

2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

[g1rlcore]

gonna talk about money problems 

i dont think we are struggling particularly like the way my mom acts is as if its so fucking dire and we’re gonna be on the streets if we dont budget but shes so fucking annoying and has no like....idk give??? shes so ready to buy dumb shit but then immediately complain abt how much it is and my dad is like this too and i hate hate hate it. my life has constantly been surrounded by guilt i feel like shit for everything i buy, but then continue to buy me shit that i dont particularly need but i just want (in the sense like....every kid wants 1 million barbies but parents dont just give in) and then use that as leverage over me to talk abt how fucking great the are as parents and how im an ungrateful piece of shit. anyways yeah i think this is a common abuse thing like people feeling just guilty for needing expenses and i Feel that rn. 

my situation is not bad i know that there are people way worse off than me and im grateful for everything i do have which allows me to live comfortably and stuff but. 

my wisdom teeth have been fucking killing me for months and its gotten to the point, during the whole of april, that i cant eat spicy food bc it like enters the Holes that are in my mouth and i cant eat anything thats too hard and my teeth hurt constantly to the point where its unbearable and i need pain meds

my periods wreck me every single month like this isnt new and we /tried/ getting treatment for it in the past in the sense like. the fact that i was unable to move every month for days finally made my mom give a shit and we went to 1 (ONE) gyno and they gave me an ultrasound (WHICH 13 YEAR OLD ME KNEW WAS FUCKING POINTLESS BC ENDOMETRIOSIS DOESNT SHOW UP ON ULTRASOUNDS) and it cost a lot of money and the fact that it was useless was leverage for my mom treating me like shit and we never fucking looked for treatment again (there is a separate issue of doctors and basically everyone not giving a shit abt period pain bc its so normalized that “womanhood”= pain and all of my GPs that ive seen have been fucking dumb abt it and never goddamn helped me out further than “idk lol see an expensive gyno” but anyways)

HERES THE BIG ONE....my mental health

this one is so frustrating to type out and find words for im like sobbing rn just thinking abt this lmao sorry if this doesnt make sense 

australia is pretty fucking great with mental health care and insurance like its not the best and it can be shitty at times but ive seen other places and its like. WOW i guess it was a lucky break that my suicidal ideation and mental breakdown happened here i guess!!!

but this...is still not enough for my mom and apparently not for my dad either bc ACCORDING TO MY MOM hes “refused to help out with payment” for my therapy and meds and shit which is bogus of him but tbh my mom is such a fucking liar exaggerating piece of shit that i dont...trust her at all.

i run this over my head so much but GOD getting treatment for my mental health was literally the hardest thing ive done along with both my shit ass parents and my school hounding my ass like...my mental health was so bad its a miracle i survived that point of my life and kept trying more bc like wow A+ @ me 

and the battle is still not done apparently bc this shit has been going on for years....i go on and off therapy and treatment and everything literally constantly for months at a time and nothing is ever fucking set in stone like theres never a moment where i can be like “YES for the foreseeable future i will be going to this place for regular treatment” and it drives my NUTS like god !!! with my current psychiatrist, shes fucking expensive so fair enough like i understand...but the way my mom guilt trips me for this drives me nuts 

i cant finish this post im panicking too much