#im drunk leave me lalo

[doctorababygirl]

02.21.24

I never wanted to talk about this. Never even thought about it. I was literally planning to to take it to my grave but im going crazy. I never told this to anyone. Literally no even one soul. And the issue is resurfacing regarding another involved individual.. you were my home, my confidant. You were my bestfriend where i could say anything. Remember i told you about my family — that this guy is actually my mom’s boyfriend. I was so embarrassed kasi your family is complete, walang problema, walang sabit. Meanwhile, yung akin ganito. Sobrang hiyang hiya ako pero i know you’re not that kind of person kaya i still trusted you and told you that.. but there’s one thing i never told you. Sobrang gustong gusto ko na sya sabihin sayo before pa — even when we fight ng malala lalo na about i feel traumatized dati when you do sexual stuff out of nowhere like grabbing the boobs etc and i always say the reason was i was sexualized — raped by our family friend who was younger than me and i couldnt do shit. But honestly, i dont give a fuck about that. Yes that really happened but im not traumatized about that.

What was traumatizing for me was as early as 5 years old. 5 fucking years old, i was raped by my mom’s boyfriend. Not once, not twice, and not fucking thrice. I was raped continuously for 4-5 years. I heard thru a family member just today, my cousin got drunk in a family gathering and was blabbing about this guy who molested her ~5 years ago and guess fucking what? Its him too. When i heard that, i was shaking and trying to compose myself infront of my brother cause i didnt want him to notice. I never said anything. I really never said anything. Even when i had the chance to let him fucking leave, i didnt.. i didnt because i considered my mom’s feelings. I let him live with us for 20+ fucking years, IN THE SAME FUCKING ROOF because i didnt want to bring it up or even reminisce about how he raped me. But now i heard that he also did it to my younger cousin, im ready to fight this fight even if i know this will break me so much.

Its been lonely fighting this trauma, everyday, for 20+ years and alone. I hope if one day you read this, it wont change how you saw me.. im sorry.

[imbitious]

Sorry and Goodbye

That night i decided na makasama ka in public.

I dont care about the issue anymore.

Kahit anong sabihin ng mga friends mo at friends ko o pag usapan man ako i dont care i just want to be with you.

That night ang saya ko. Kasi malaya kitang na titigan while you were enjoying the night with your friends. Kontento nako don eh simpleng tingin, simpleng ngiti okay na sakin just to be with you all night kahit hindi tayo literal na mag kasama at least mag kasama tayo sa iisang place.

The night are slowly getting wild, everybody get drunk and tipsy and you were one of them. Me i know i am stronger than alcohol and everybody knows that and you are starting to approach me.

That back hug in front of your friends, honestly i really liked it. Lalo na siguro kung hindi ka lasing .. i even feel your lips on my neck pero i need to pretend na ayoko at galit dahil ayokong isipin na iba na ganun ako ka easy at alam kong hindi tama ginawa mo.

Kahit na ayaw ko humakbang ako palayo sayo pero makulit ka hinawakan mo ko sabay sabing " i want to kiss you, isa lang please" you even plead isip isip ko, then i said "lasing kana hindi pwede" then tinray kong tangalin pag kakapit mo and then you said "please"

Alam kong mali, hindi tama. Pero that moment i want to pretend that i was weak and drunk.

That night our first kiss happened.

I know. Im the most bad bitch leaving at that moment . I cheated.

Everything happen so fast and your getting wilder and wilder.

Im starting to be scared of you.

Our friends are stopping you by dragging me somewhere. You are out of control

This is the true you i guess.

The night is almost over. My cousins make sure nanakauwi nako at hindi na ulit lalapit sayo because i really want to. Gusto ko malaman kung okay ka pa. Kung my sugat ka or what. Im so devastated hindi man lang ako maka lapit sayo.

And maybe God do me a favor kahit napaka makasalanan ko na. You and your friends hanging out in front of my house, and i know it will creep you out but i am watching you from my window.

Yeah ! Like a stalker.

I watched you move. I watched you getting wasted. I watched you dance ,sing. I even heard you counting the stars up to 30 and repeat it over and over and your gonna block someone and i realize now that it was me.

You BLOCKED ME.

You just left the note saying "sorry and goodbye" and then i am gone that how it goes. Ang gago mo at ang tanga ko cause i willing to give up everything for you i am so fucking more devastate and angry.

No i am hurt. I cant sleep. I cant eat. I want to know the reason behind that "sorry and goodbye" lines of yours.

Your the most selfish man i know and i am next to you.

I am broke. Maybe this is my karma. But i dont have any regrets i just have to learned my lesson.