#im currently hiding in the bathroom bc im terrible

[eluvion]

the reason i cant go to college things that are just. stand and eat snacks and meet ppl for an hour is bc i am fundamentally unable to start conversations in person

[ofhanbiin-blog]

[ jenna marbles vc ] eyy bby,, my name’s haylee ( she & her ), i live in the good ol’ est timezone, & im basically trash ?? i actually have a picture on my phone of me in a garbage bag at work,, like ?? throw me out w the garbage thANK. but also, i’m super duper excited 2 be a part of this rp & im even more excited 2 get the chance 2 meet all of u lovely people :’) just a heads up tho, i’ll probably talk abt my dog all the time,, bc he’s my son & i love him so much. pls dont h8 me 4 that. okay !! below the cut, you’ll find some stuff abt hanbin, my lil child who just,, needs some stability in their life, honestly :~( also i’m probably gna be at work when i post this – & i work on saturday too,, but i’ll still b around to plot,, bc ,,,, work’s dead shh pls don’t tell my boss. ok ily !! & im sorry this bio 4 hanbin got super lengthy ?? & be on the lookout 4 a stats & official bio page & a connections page as well !! i just have 2 set them all up,,, pls bear w me ^^

TW : ABUSE, SUICIDE MENTION, DRUG USE, VERY BRIEF MENTION OF MENTAL ILLNESS       ( pls tread carefully !! & if i’ve missed any triggers, let me know )

biography !! 

hanbin was born in milan, second to their older sister ( choi sunmi ), who was already three at the time !! due to their closeness in age, the two got along really well & hanbin loved her sm ? they did everything together, basically. their parents were amused by this, & found it cute, giving them the excuse to match their outfits – their parents were wealthy clothing designers ( they moved to milan together after having gotten married,, ) & oddly enough, they never planned on settling down, nor having children. sunmi was more so an “ accident, ” & they let that slip once in the middle of an argument & she was never quite able to let it go. :~// 

despite their parents travelling a lot for work, hanbin & their sister have hardly travelled – their parents would opt for a nanny, paying them a large sum to look after their b e l o v e d children. because of this, both children’s relationships with their parents declined, to the point where it was almost nonexistent for a while. hanbin didn’t mind too much, though they still have memories of one particular night, after a terrible nightmare. they’d crawled into bed with their sister & she held them until they managed to calm down & eventually fell back asleep. she was their rock & they tried so desperately to be hers. 

sunmi was eleven when her father first hit her. the initial blow led to shock & resentment on her father’s behalf, yet it was fleeting, only lasted for a few days before the second strike happened, & from there on out, sunmi was hit as a form of punishment. it began as them being frustrated over her academics, then turned into anything – her father would find an excuse in even the smallest of mistakes. bruises were hidden beneath long sleeves & pants, & she was able to hide the abuse from her brother, up until she was fifteen. four years of physical abuse had already taken place, yet hanbin finally saw their father hit sunmi with their own eyes, noted the way she apologized after, as if it was her fault. while they were only twelve at the time, they attempted to comprehend all that they could – they knew their father wasn’t right, & that what they were doing was hurting her. they tried to stand up to their father following the incident, but was ridiculed & struck themself. the following day, they awoke to find their sister had fled home, having only left a note for them beneath their pillow. she mentioned that she was somewhere safe, & hanbin wanted so desperately to not only believe it, but to go with her. 

two weeks following her leave, there was a story on the news. something about a teen who’d drowned herself in a nearby body of water. hanbin remembers hearing the story & thinking of the poor family experiencing such a tragic loss – only to find out, that teen was their sister & from then on, their life changed entirely. they began to withdraw & whenever they did talk, it was laced in malice, directed in hate toward their parents for the most part. they held a funeral & their parents put on a show, crying & saying that they had no idea why their darling little daughter would do such a thing – hanbin was disgusted. 

they were seventeen when they applied for university in south korea. it wasn’t their first choice school – they didn’t really even want to attend post-secondary, tbh ? they just needed the excuse to leave – an out, if you will. their parents, albeit with their heartless, neglectful nature, offered hanbin money, providing them annually with enough to not only move to gangnam, but to live on their own ( he doesn’t have a roommate currently,, but he lets ppl crash at his place – which is a two bedroom studio apartment – aLL the time tbh ) while attending university as well,, though they did this mainly because they threatened to tarnish their name by taking the story of their sister’s abuse public – they still hold onto all evidence they’d managed to collect – photos, voice memos from their sister, etc. the only reason they haven’t done anything with them yet, is bc they’re living off of their parents’ money. it’s complicated & they loathe themself for not getting justice for their sister,, hence how they came across their t e r r i b l e coping habits. 

upon moving to gangnam ( hanbin was eighteen ), they made a few friends – admittedly within a more i n t e n s e crowd, & they ended up experimenting with drugs. it began with weed & when that didn’t particularly satisfy them, they turned to cocaine. they felt enamoured with the euphoria it provided & slowly but surely, chasing that high consumed them. they wouldn’t just seek it through drugs however, they’d seek it through doing reckless things – adrenaline made hanbin feel alive, like they could toy with death all they wanted, because deep down, they felt like they had nothing left to live for ?? 

they visit their parents every now & again – they don’t enjoy being around each other, but their family does get together on holidays, & hanbin’s expected to show up, prim & proper & wearing a smile that’s so incredibly fake. they essentially have to look pretty so that everyone assumes they’re fine ? the thing is,, they wear this ring around their thumb, & on the top part of it, there’s a nice looking gem – the gem opens, & in there, they normally keep some cocaine :~// bc when they find that these meet ups are too stressful,, they’ll disappear into the bathroom, snort a line, & come back out, ready to face their relatives. :~( 

oh ! because of this habit though, they’re prone to getting nosebleeds & sometimes has difficulty smelling certain things. their voice also sounds more gravelly & it’s just ?? v sad idk i want hanbin 2 feel okay ;-; & learn to cope in healthier ways u know ?? 

recently !! hanbin’s mother reached out to them, expressing that she’s incredibly sorry for all that’s happened – hanbin was incredibly reluctant at first, but in time they came to trust her again & the two are on better terms now. not the best, nor is it even remotely close to what they pictured for themself as a child, but it’s something. the reconnection did little to hinder their coping methods however !! also, they sort of want to repair the relationship with their dad, or at least mend things to a point where they can get closure !! but they’re far too stubborn to confront their dad about things rn. 

personality !! 

if ur still w me rn, i love u :’) & i’m sorRY this got so long. i’ll keep these brief, ok. 

hanbin’s super impulsive & will probably go out 2 buy a car if u so much as mention one ?? they also love dressing nicely & very formally ?? just bc it’s part of their aesthetic,, rip. they’re a ho 4 the rich kid aesthetic. 

they smoke as well, but it’s more social than anything ?? 

they don’t own a cat, but really, really want one !! or a small dog. they don’t want a big animal ( which,, wyd, big animals are adorable hanbin )

they’ve never worked a day in their life !! what a luxURY

they actually suffer from bipolar disorder, though they haven’t been clinically diagnosed.

they’re super vain & put on a show about loving themself & thinking they’re the best,, when really, they hate themself & just wants some1 to tell them they didn’t help kill their sister – they’re under the impression it’s their fault,, but keeps that to themself bc they don’t like to let people in :~( 

i think that’s about it for now,, im still developing hanbin, but like ?? im so excited ok ily thank u for reading !! 

[paleconda]

blog- 9th february.

i- as an american doing pretty damn well job of pulling off as british- do not like to do american-like things. such having having wet and cringe humour, being unnecessarily loud, being blatantly ignorant on world culture/affairs (no offence), and especially opening myself up. one thing i’ve noticed is that brits always keep to themselves and rarely discuss thier deep feelings and thoughts with other people. they’re not very open to tel you their life story, and i’m the same way.not to say that i’m not down to earth, bc i very much am. i just stay quaint when it comes to public situations. that being said, my journey and story on my sexuality is very personal, deep and complicated, and unfortunately, i feel like i have to go into massive detail on what’s all happened and how it’s impacted me. it’ll make me vulnerable, but easier to understand and empathise with. this is going to be a particularly long read tho.

the date is 07/07/2010. it was the summer before the 7th grade and i had just realised my sexuality only a few months earlier. the worst night of my life. the night my parents found out about my sexuality. i was only 12. but the way the found out was rather quite stupid and embarrassing (no i wasn’t wanking and it wasn’t porn). at the time, i didn't have a phone. and my favourite show would come on at 1 am. but i didn't feel like staying up late, so what i did was borrow my grandmas phone and set an alarm. well in the alarm it had an option for a message. well my dumbass self put “get the hell up you bisexual fucker”. yeah. well, when my grandma went to puerto rico for a funeral, she left her phone bc she wouldn’t have any service over there. and i had forgotten to take off that alarm. so my mom is just going thru the phone (idk why) and she happens to come across it. she calls me downstairs and confronts me about it. after about 10 minutes what seems like an interrogation ( and me not talking, i felt as tho i had no choice but to admit it). they started crying and told me how its never okay even if the world says it is, and they brought up sodom and gomorrah and told me i needed to have a long prayer. my relationship with them hasn't never really been the same since then. so after that, i kinda ignored thinking about my sexuality. i would just go thru my day, occasionally look at gay pictures at night, then go to sleep. then, toward the end of 7th grade, i ended up taking nudes and sending them on http://showyourdick.com (terrible, i know) and they. ended. up. seeing. the. pics. it made things a shit tonne worse. i was still closeted at school, i had been accused of being gay as early as 4th grade, before i even knew i was gay (im actually bi/pan, but lets just use the word gay for now). fast foward to the beginning of 9th grade (late 2012). i had already been stanning nicki for almost a year, but i was still closeted. i also had a tumblr account(not this one). not only did i still kinda feel bad about being gay, but i was terribly insecure as well. i ended up starting to cut myself around late September. but for a while it was only on my thighs bc i didnt want anyone to see. later, in january 2013, i was feeling really depressed one night, and i kinda went on a cutting tirade. (trigger warning) i even cut my arm. i remember feeling the warm blood running down my leg and feeling dizzy, with my ears fogging up and nearly passing out in the bathroom. this next part may sound wierd. maybe its just me, maybe it was the fogging in my ears, idk. but i remember hearing nickis voice, almost aloud, and she said Stop. crazy init.  the next morning, i got really scared, bc my sleeve wouldn't completely cover up the scars. well, one of my teachers saw (i still dont know who) and reported it to the office, and one of the guidance counselors called my parents and told them. another really bad day. the next day, my guidance counselor called me down, even the principle came in the room. they told me they were sending me to a place where i would have therapy. i agreed to it, but i wasnt aware that i would be forced to spend 3 nights there. its called being Baker Acted.  the deputy at my school called my mom and told her where they were taking me but they didn't tell her i was required by law to spend 72 consecutive hours there. so when she came to pick me up that night, thats when she found out. needless to say she was crying. alot. and as if it wasn't bad enough, it just so happened to be her wedding anniversary.  i end up relapsing 2 more times after that whole ordeal. the last time was march 9th, 2013. so things temporarily improve for the summer. i ended up (finally) coming out to my closest friends. but i never made a big deal out of it. like i never made a big post on facebook or IG or anything. I kinda just let people figure it out and have their own assumptions. so september rolls around and i end up getting depressed again (september is always a bad month for me) but i promised myself i wouldnt cut myself again. so i end up overdosing. alot. 7 pills at a time. (it was just vyvanse tho, its not like it was percs or oxycodone.) so my parents went thru my texts and they found out about what i was doing and thats when the trust begins to deterioate again. they would always take away my phone at night. they said its bc of some report they saw on the news where having your phone in your room while your sleeping is unhealthy (which.. they were right. but it’s ovbious that wasn’t the real reason they took it.) it was bloody annoying. but back then, they would only take it on school nights, and sometimes i would sneak it back, and although they got mad, they wouldn't really do anything about it. also, as you could’ve probably guessed, i had downloaded a couple of gay apps because i was curious. the first time i downloaded grindr, i was in the 8th grade. and it wasn't the only app i would download. there was also hornet and jack’d. well, theres this one guy who i ended up talking to. and i end up sending nudes to him on kik. and my parents end up going through my kik. this was in december 2013. my horny self was just tryna hookup. welp. they see the messages. things go downfuckinghill fast. they barge into my room, one second they're yelling at me shoving the screen in my face and then the next thing I know my dad is shoves me down and kicks me multiple times, and my mom ends up calling the police and filing a report. to say it was traumatising is an understatement. but because it's kik, theres not much they can do. this renders me phoneless all the way until june of 2015. and at this point i wanna take a little bit of a detour. bc i almost feel as though my life as a normal teenager has been robbed.

some of you may ask why i didn’t move in with relatives or just file a report to social services.

they wouldn't let me. and bc they're broke and aren't good at finances, that's what they (we’re) doing anyway. my family is living with my grandparents for like the 4th time since i was born. so they change the password in my phone and im only allowed to use it when they say (this is february 2014, roughly) and i have to be in the same room as them. and then in march, something goes wrong with my phone and it wont read the SIM card. so now i can't even call or text.  things just didn’t get better that year. its summer 2014, and now they suddenly change the password to my laptop. (they still won't tell me the password). i started crying and begged them to change it back. so they did. but just a month later, on July 11th, they change it. and its stayed that way. so now its june of 2015. they buy me a new phone, but they said there are "rules for having the phone" and they take it away every night. well, in november, i had downloaded grindr. theres this feature on my phone where i can hide an app, but one day, back in november, i forgot to hide the app. so they saw it. and they didn't even open the app (it was password locked) and i refused to give them the password. so now im phoneless.... again. and this time they wouldn't even let me use it... at all. so i went back to having to use my grandmas phone and computer to log onto Twitter. for the longest time, i could only be on twitter from 4-8pm on weekdays bc thats whenever i had access. fast foward to april 2016 and im taking a college class across town. all of a sudden, my mom hands me my phone, and im shocked. she says im only having it on a "limited basis". so for about a month, im only allowed to use it outside the house, but they eventually let up. every once in a while, we still get into an argument about it.  may 2016: its time for me to choose what college to go to. my mom had made me apply to a christian university about 30 miles away. i didnt wanna go, but the other college i had been looking at had ran into financial trouble, the big public university in my city didn't accept me, and i didn't wanna go to a community college. plus, the christian university (southeastern University) offered me a bunch of money in scholarships. and i honestly felt forced to go. by august of 2016, things start to drastically change. most of it is in a good way, but there are still some things that are... iffy, for lack of a better term. i’m beginning to lose weight and my grades are actually good for once, but my phone is still taken way at night all the way to december, when they finally stop. then in january 2017, i am finally able to buy an iphone. at this point, everything sort of catches up to the previous post. there’s still loads for me to explain but this is enough for now.

on a side note, it’s amazing how different things are for me now after looking back at all that. i still can’t believe that we are in 2019 and that i graduated high school nearly 3 years ago. i’m gobsmacked at how much i have changed since then. it’s a lot to ponder on. and i’m glad to say that i’m currently at the happiest place i’ve been in for years. maybe ever.

end.