#im crying but I’m also repeatedly telling my empty room that I deserve and am owed this. I deserve to say this. I deserve this.

[itsalmostavengers]

Ive had a productive day! Rather than joining the army I wrote and sent a 3000-word letter to my ex summarising how much I hate him for abandoning me when my dad killed himself + I signed up for Krav Maga classes to get some of that adrenaline fuelled fighting urge out of my system!!! Win !!!!!!!!!!!

[thorsstorms]

Sober Me

Word count: 2.8k

Summary: Thor hasn't tried to contact, what is life like with out him?

Warning: ANGST!, Drunk Thor, Sad Thor. Acohol abuse.

A/N: a long awaited sequel to Drunk Me, one of my favorites, well I got bit by the writing bug tonight and decided to have a go. Also, I always picture Thor with long hair in these. I wrote Drunk Me pre endgame (im psychic I know)  but was stuck on long hair Thor bc who isn't.  Part three coming soon.

Masterlist.  -   Drunk Me.  -  Touch Me

Steve’s place was not far from ours, only a few blocks. For those that had moved out of the tower, they were never too far away. Steve was my first friend of the group, I met him not long after he came out of the ice, I answered his questions, and he answered mine. It did not take long for us to become friends. It was him who introduced me to Thor. The introduction was not meant for a set up, but he just wanted to introduce me to the people he called his ‘family.’

Steve had told me I could stay as long as I wanted, Bucky would agree with him each time, telling me I was no burden and that I had no rush but I did not like taking advantage of them. They had always done so much for me, ‘they’ as in the entire family I was thrust into, but I would not change it. I was just always checking myself to never become reliant on them. I had a good job, very few ‘friends’ outside of them though, but it was not like I could not get by on my own.

Four days of crying. The next morning Thor woke us three to pounding on door, though he would not dare kick it down again, at least not while sober. He yelled for us, for me. Before I could even sit straight up on the couch, the two make-shift bodyguards were throwing themselves outside the front door of the apartment where Thor was waiting. They came back in a few minutes later alone. They told me not to worry about it, to go back to sleep.

The second day was quiet until the evening. Evening as in a solid 2 A.M. I was in a deep sleep, exhausted from the day before, my mind never calmed down, wondering if I did the right thing. I woke up to Steve murmuring to me, asking me to come sleep with him in his bed. I was confused until I heard the loud voices outside the door. They were familiar. A loud yet eerily calm James Barnes, and a pitiful, heartbreaking plea of my Thor. Steve did not give me time to answer before pulling me away from the sounds and deeper into the apartment, he laid with me till I fell asleep, not complaining when he wiped the silent tears from my skin. Not complaining when I repeatedly asked myself why I can not help him.

Steve stayed with me the third day, Bucky ran errands if needed. Steve was my pep talker. Reminding me that I did not deserve to be scared every night, wondering if I was going to be dealing with a sad and sorry lover or an angry and sorry lover. It was not fair to me, I started to listen. It was quiet that day, at least that’s what I thought.

On the fourth I left the apartment, signing the short lease of the first place I checked out regardless if I really liked it or not, I just knew I couldn’t stay with Steve and Bucky anymore, it was not fair to them.

I could not miss anymore work so I returned, fully expecting Thor to turn up and embarrass me in front of coworkers. But he never did. The secret longing I had for him to just show up anyway, plead with me or tell me he loves me and that he was sorry was just that, a secret. I wished he would just show up so I could see his face. It gave me chills, a slight burn of tears to my eyes when I thought of him wrapping me in the biggest of hugs, just a simple hug, it was all I wanted or maybe a kiss for good measure, but he never showed.

A new routine started to show upon my life, an independent one. Always dinner with Steve and Bucky on Thursdays, it was my thing to look forward to every week, counting the days till it happens again. It wasn’t like I never saw Steve inbetween, but it was special to me. We rotated who got to pick what we cooked, never going out to eat because it would take away the craziness of all three of us dancing aorund the kitchen trying not to burn ourselves or fuck it up in anyway, it was made fun because we wanted to have fun. Simple as that.

It has been three months. I do not think about him as often anymore, going a couple hours before thinking about where he is, what he is doing. Does he think about me? Does he wonder where I am? Does he miss me? Does he still love me even though I left him when he begged me to not walk out the door? The guilt always hits me just as hard but I can not make myself ask where he is and why he has not come to get me yet, because I am waiting.

I wait in the mornings when I make a small breakfast before work. I wait when I pass the front doors where guests and clients walk through to enter the building. I wait when I am walking home, for him to catch up to me and say hello. I wait when I drink my tea and read some of my new favorite book before bed, for him to come through the door and tell me about his day. Always waiting until I was not anymore.

“Where is he?” My voice was not as strong as I wanted it to be, forever sounding more demanding in my head. Steve looked at me from across the couch. I was not watching the movie, I had not been for a while. We had seen it only a thousand times, but it was Buck’s favorite.

“What?” He questioned.

“Where is Thor? Why hasn’t he come see me?” I could tell I caught them both off guard, but I just could not wait any longer. “I shouldn’t have called you Steve. Now he doesn’t even want to see me.” It did not take me wiping my eyes with the shared blanket for them to know I was beginning to cry, they could tell from my voice. The two men shared a look, Bucky getting up to tend to the aftermath of dinner while Steve took his time speaking, moving closer to my side.

“No,” he says. “I’m glad you called me when you did. When Bucky saw you that night, he hasn’t taken a drink since. When you slept, he asked if I had a problem with it and I told him yes.”

It was good to hear, I needed it. At least some good had come out of my suffering. “Have you seen him, Steve? Where is he?” A deep breathe was not enough to calm my voice from shaking, but I have to ask, he has to tell me. I have been killing myself to know, does he hate me for leaving him, for kicking him when he is down?

“He… He is doing better. He is at the compound. Hasn’t left the compound in a few weeks I think.”

“He’s doing better?”

“He’s staying sober. There is no alcohol of any kind at his request, all dumped out.” What? I sit up at the new information, information I asked for. The tears have stopped themselves. He was not gone, not forever. I have to go see him. Does he want to see me? The yearning I had been feeling for months was shaken up like a soda bottle and the lid has popped off.

I left him.

I left him.

Does he want to see me?

“Have you talked to him?” My voice is laced with urgency.

“No, but Natasha has told me that he is well.” Natasha, the one girl I was always afraid would steal my best friend from me, though he never let it happen. She never really spoke to me, only watched me like a hawk. She was the one who Thor had talked to, and he still has not tried to talk to me.

“Oh.”

“Do you want to go see-”

“Yes.” I want to see him. I have to see him. “Tomorrow, please.”

~

I should have called. Found a way to communicate to him that I was coming. Pepper or someone, surely could have told him somehow. It has been months and months since I have stepped foot into this facility. I only had come a few times as is, but it was enough to find my way up to the living quarters even with Steve trailing not far behind me. My eager footsteps were fast enough for my legs to be surpassing Steve’s stride.

I have not found him yet. His name was caught in my throat, scared to call out for him. It would sound much more pitiful than I wanted and I did not exactly want him to run and hide before I could catch a glimpse.

I abandon my purse on the back of the couch. No one seems to be around anyway. My feet are moving before my brain can catch up and I go straight for the rooms. One of these have to be his.

Each door I opened was seemingly barren, not a single soul or personal item in sight until there is. It was only a sweatshirt thrown over a chair that catches my attention, but it did and that was enough.

“Thor?” I question into the empty room.

Nothing.

The door slowly shuts behind me, settling just before clicking into place, leaving a slit of opening. His shoes are against the wall. The bed is lived in, where is he? I take a few steps farther in, trying to memorise his space, where he has been for the past few weeks. Laundry piled in a basket to the corner, proudly not strung across the floor shows his sobriety itself. The bed is unmade and calling for me to lay and bask in it, in his smell that is undeniably him. The bedside lamp is shining bright, he was always so bad at turning off lights. The small table is empty save a small book, a pencil accompanying it; he is in dire need of a new writing utensil.

The sheets are soft under my finger tips, I can only imagine his bare skin, my bare skin against it. Soft and warm, where we should be, where we once were. In my last attempt to control myself I pull my hand away and then occupy it by going for the small leather book calling my name. The material is warn and used, oddly comforting to the touch and reminding me of one I used to have many years ago. Mine was a journal, I stopped using it so much when I had another being to share my thoughts with.

“(Y/n)?”

My blood runs cold, I am invading his space. Where is my self control? The book falls from my hands, landing on the bed when I jump in place at the sound of a voice that I missed and longed to hear again. There was no place to hide, no place to busy my eyes so they meet his. They are so bright, brighter than my memory could ever do justice. They seem to shine brighter in the dim lighting, or maybe because they are rimmed with the normal whites of his eyes, not the red that I had unknowingly grown accustomed too.

“I- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t… I should have called first.” My feet were frozen in place. How can he seem to capture my gaze, his size seemingly enchanting. Is he the same Thor as before? Have I forgotten him that much? Memory has not done me a lick of justice in his time away, so much more beautiful when he is walking towards me, contemplating what to say to me. His brows furrowed, eyes bright with curiosity or maybe it was confusion. I should not have come.

“You are here?” His voice is so deep, resonating in the air and conjuring attention.

I am here, I miss you. I needed to see you.

“I’m - uh, I’ll go. Sorry.” I can not look at him, I knew I should not have come. It was selfish of me, my own selfish want beating out while he was trying his best to recover, stay sober. My feet make out to pass him, my head shaking in horror and humiliation, but they are stopped with his grasp over my shoulders.

This is all I wanted and yet it shocks me to my core, a hug. The kind where my senses are drowning in his presence, his smell, the sound of his breathing, his warm hands on my skin. It was all I wanted, but it still takes me a few seconds to return it.

Tears burn my eyes, closing them tight when I melt into him. We were never meant to part for so long, I should be here with him, helping him and encouraging him.

“Please don’t cry, little one. You’ve shed too many tears at my doing, I won’t have it any longer.” These were tears of my own doing, I missed him and I needed him but I left him when he needed me most.

“I’m sorry I left. I shouldn’t have!” His shirt is there to dry my tears. He tries to pull me back but I can not let him go, I need more time with my arms around him, with his body against mine.

“No, you did what was right. I needed to see, you made me see.” I shake my head against his chest, he does not know what he is saying. “Stop. I will not touch another drink Baby, I swear it.” I let him pull me away this time. He means what he is saying, I can hear hear the conviction, he means it.

His blue orbs don’t lie, “I promise a sober me, from now on. I could never hurt you, I-” eyes squint as if trying to shake the memory away. I know what he is thinking, he was afraid to touch me. “I will never hurt you.”

“Okay.” I don’t know what else to say. He’s trying to show me, just like I asked. He is determined, it is written all over him. He has failed many times in his life, but he was not out to fail me. All I want is for him to just kiss me. I have waited long enough, the reassurance was there, and I want him to kiss me already.

“I want to be good for you, little one.” His eyes show a flash of pity, he will not kiss me. “I want to be the best I can be before we continue, you deserve that at least.”

“Okay.”

~

It was whatever he needed, I want to be there. A few days off of work in a row and I was at his side. We took advantage of the lake, swimming, taking Stark’s jet skis for a spin. We wandered the wooded areas, we layed in the grass while he told tales of the stars, we stood in the clearing while he displays his powers through the skies at my request, it was astonishing. It was pure Thor, in his finest element. No hustle and bustle around us, no ideal to meet, no standards, just himself spending his time wisely with me.

It was Thursday. Thor joined us. Steve and Bucky did not say anything when they noticed his lack of affection save a hand hold or a rub on my shoulders. My obvious pining for his lips when he talked should be more embarrassing than it actually seems to be.

Thor was making amends, waiting until after dinner to apologize to Steve, and thank him all the same. Thor was healing and this is how he was doing it. Bucky and I gave our silence while they talked, it was not something I wanted to reminisce on. The look of betrayal on Thor’s face, the struggle against Steve’s grip, straining to hold him back. It was a flash that took me away from the present, but thrusts me back in with no positive emotion.

Thor took notice of my absence, my hand had froze on his leg. Comfort motions of my thumb coming to a halt when he brought it up. I did not mean to, but it was a face on him that haunted my closed eyes for so long.

I was quick to recover when his hand enveloped mine, this was about him, not me.

The night was good. Thor jokes, he actually snickered and joined in. It spread a sense of hope in my chest. He was here, with me, he was back. Maybe not all the way, but I would give him as much time as he needed, I would be waiting for the ‘sober me’ I was promised.

[cumonbucky]

Realization

Request: Ive had this idea but idk how to write it so Im giving it to you. Its where y/n is in love with Bucky but he is dating and in love with someone else. However the girl broke his heart and finally realizes a year after his heartbreak that he loves y/n.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: angst (?), fluff (I like ending things on a happy note I’m sorry)

A/N: this will probably hurt my soul. Also, if there’s any mistakes, I’ll fix ‘em later :)

Giggling erupts in the hallway and you sigh, closing your eyes for a couple of seconds. Bucky and his girlfriend were back from wherever they had went. With a frown now etched on your face, you grab the container of Oreo’s and your glass of milk and make your way into Steve’s room where you would be watching some Disney movies.

“Took you long enough, I nearly started the movie without you.” he joked as you went to sit on the floor beside him.

“Yeah well I had to wait a while. Bucky and Ella came back and I didn’t want to run into them in the hall.” you respond, placing the Oreo’s between the two of you.

Steve looked at you and frowned. He knew how you felt about Bucky, hell, the whole team did, except Bucky of course. You had admired him for so long. He was perfection in your eyes but you were always too scared to ever make a move, worried that he’d reject you. When you finally decided to tell him how you felt, you discovered that he had a girlfriend.

He had barely started dating Ella and it crushed you. Steve would always tell you that it wouldn’t last, that he’d break up with her soon because Bucky just wasn’t the type for long term relationships. It’s been 2 years now and they’re still going strong. You pretend to be happy for him but deep down you want to be her. She gets to hold him and kiss him; you want that. You want to be the source of his happiness, the reason he smiles all the time.

But we don’t always get what we want.

“They’ll end it soon Y/N. Bucky isn’t the-”

“Long term relationship type of person.” you finish for him. “You’ve been saying that for two years Steve.”

“Well it’s true.” he shrugged, turning his head towards the tv where The Little Mermaid was playing.

“I think you’re wrong.” you say, grabbing an Oreo and dipping it into the milk.

“And why’s that?” he turns back to you.

“Because he looks at Ella the way that I look at him. With-”

“Love!” Bucky suddenly bursts into the room. “I’m in love!”

He waltz over to Steve’s bed and plops down behind you with a sigh. You bite the inside of your cheek before stuffing the Oreo in your mouth and turning to Steve who was already looking at you. He felt bad for you; everyone did. You loved someone who didn’t love you back.

“What are you guys watching?” Bucky turned to lay on his stomach. “Ooo The Little Mermaid, I love this movie.”

You sighed and closed your eyes, leaning your head back on the bed. When you opened them back up, you were met with Bucky’s face. He smiled at you, that goofy grin making your heart melt.

“Hi Y/N.” he spoke.

“Hi Buck.” you sighed out, lifting your head back up to watch the movie.

The rest of the night consisted of Bucky playing with your hair and stacking Oreo’s on top of your head.

1 year later

Exactly 4 months after the movie night in Steve’s room, Bucky had his heartbroken. He had found out that Ella had been cheating on him for a while. He broke things off instantly. He stayed cooped up in his room, crying and wondering what he did to deserve such a horrible thing. While he did that, you were moving out of the tower and into your very own apartment. You decided it was about time to move out. The rest of the gang helped you move, all of course except Bucky.

He didn’t even know you had moved out until he walked over to your old room for some advice. He remembers it like yesterday.

Deciding to get out of his room and go to you for some advice, Bucky made his way over to your room. He was exhausted, eyes burning from crying so much but he was determined to go and talk to you. You always had great advice which made you an amazing friend.

Bucky opened up your door, expecting to see you sitting on your bed watching a movie or browsing the web on your laptop but instead he was met with nothing but an empty room. Confused, he walked over the common room and walked straight up to his best friend.

“Where’s Y/N?”

The blonde turns his gaze to the brunette and smiles. “Hey Buck, you’re finally out of your room. How’re you doing?”

He ignored the question. “Where’s Y/N.”

Bucky had now gained the rest of the team members attention and they watched as Steve broke the news to his friend.

“She moved a couple of days ago, Bucky.” he spoke softly.

That night he went over to your apartment, asking why you left and begging you to come back as it ‘wasn’t the same without you’. You declined but said he was welcome at your place anytime.

It had now been a year since the breakup with Ella and Bucky sat on the couch in the tower with Steve and Sam. Somehow you came up in the conversation and they had been talking about you for a while.

“I don’t think she ever had a boyfriend while living here.” Bucky comments, leaning on the couch.

“Of course she didn’t, she was in love with you.” Sam chuckled, saying it as if Bucky had known all this time.

The soldier sat up quickly. “What?”

Steve glared at Sam who ignored his friends look. “Don’t act like you didn’t know. She made it pretty obvious.”

“I didn’t know.” Bucky said. “Steve, did you know about this?”

The blonde put his head down in a way of silently giving Bucky an answer but Sam spoke up.

“Of course he did, everyone did.”

Bucky scoffed. “And no one decided to tell me? She didn’t think to tell me something this serious?”

“She tried to Buck.” Steve sighed, lifting his head to meet eyes with his friend.

“When was that because during all of our conversations not once did she tell me that she was in love wi-”

“She tried telling you the day you told her about you dating Ella.” Steve cut him off and Bucky slowly leaned back in the couch, mentally replaying that day.

Bucky had barely began dating Ella but the both of them decided to keep their relationship a secret. It had been a week and Bucky wanted to tell someone - anyone about him and Ella but of course, he kept his mouth shut. So he sat on his bed, thinking about Ella and when he’d be able to see her again. He was head over heels for her.

A knock on his door tore him away from his thoughts and he yelled a ‘come in’. There stood you, hands clasped in front of you as you shut the door behind your figure.

“Hey Bucky, I have to tell you something.” you spoke softly. On the outside you looked calm, but on the inside you were freaking the fuck out.

“Y/N! I have to tell you something too!” he shot up from his bed and walked over to you. “Me first.” he then grabbed you by your shoulders, a smile upon his lips and you almost thought he was going to kiss you until he started shaking you. “I have a girlfriend!”

Your heart dropped instantly and Bucky continued. “I actually wasn’t supposed to tell anyone because we’re keeping our relationship a secret but I couldn’t hold it in any longer!”

“That’s.. That’s great Buck.” you say. “When did you two start dating?”

“A week ago. We’ve been talking for a while though. Her name is Ella. Isn’t that such a beautiful name?” he was practically drooling at the thought of her.

“It is.” you nod, forcing a smile. “I’m happy for you, Bucky.”

“Thanks.” he flashed you a goofy grin. “What is it you wanted to tell me?”

You had almost forgotten the reason why you came to his room in the first place. “Uh.. I just wanted to tell you that dinners almost ready.”

Bucky nods and thanks you before you exit his room, instantly making your way to your room where you broke down in tears.

“Oh my god.” Bucky breathed.

Something clicked inside of him. There was a reason why he always came to you for advice, a reason why he’d always go to you when he felt down. He loved you - he was in love with you. He couldn’t believe how long it took him to realize this but he decided to not waste anymore time.

“Where’s Y/N? Is she at home?” he questioned the two men sitting before him.

“She should be. Why?” Steve answered.

Bucky jumped up from the couch and ran over to his room to put on his shoes before grabbing his car keys and rushing out of the building, heading straight for your apartment. He couldn’t believe how stupid he was over the years. There you were, always there for him when he needed you, in love with him and he chose someone else who ended up breaking his heart.

Upon making it to your apartment, he parked his car and instead of taking the elevator, he dashed up the stairs in a hurry. Out of breath, he knocked on your door repeatedly until you swung the door open, thinking it was that annoying kid who liked to knock on your door then run away.

“Oh hey Buck.” you say. “Sorry about how I answered the door. There’s this kid that-”

He shut you up with a kiss. He put everything he had in it. It was rough, but soft; needy to be more precise. You pulled away first, confusion written all over your face.

“Bucky, what the he-”

“I’m in love with you.” he blurts. “I always have been, I was just too stupid to realize it back then. I thought Ella was the one for me but really, it’s you. I can’t believe it took me this long but Y/N I’m so madly in love with you, it’s unbelievable.”

“Bucky, where did all of this come from?” you question, that obviously not being what Bucky expected you to say.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean just the other day you were telling me about some girl you met at the bar the night before and now you’re telling me that you’re in love with me.” you say before groaning. “Oh my god did Steve tell you about how I feel about you?”

“So you love me back?” he smiled, full of hope.

“Of course I do you giant idiot! I made it quite obvious.” you respond.

“Am I really that oblivious?” Bucky nervously chuckled as he scratched the back of his neck.

“All signs point to yes.” you nod, causing Bucky to groan.

“Are you gonna keep bashing me for being stupid and idiotic or are you gonna let me in so that I can make out with you?”

You tap your chin for a bit before answering. “I think I’ll go with the first one.”

Bucky laughs, stepping forward and taking you in his arms. “Stop being mean and kiss me.”

You let out a laugh, lips connecting with his as he moves the two of you inside, shutting the door behind him.

“Took you long enough.” you mutter throughout the kiss.

“Shut up.” he chuckled, attacking your lips once more.

A/N: I'M BAAAAACCKKKKKKK YAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!

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