#im bored and want to write back cannot physically begin writing

[weasleyreidstyles]

someone shake me and tell me to finish serendipity chapter 19!!!!!!!!

[pretentiousactress]

fallout 1 rant

god i hate trying to find content of other people also struggling with fallout 1 but all you can see in comments is just people shitting on the person struggling bc "lol skill issue you're supposed to find this thing in x y and z how do you not know" when A-there is a ONE HUNDRED PAGE MANUAL to the game that's just... a literal walkthrough in place of a proper in game tutorial. but this manual is stylized in it's writing, is a pain to realize exists (i only discovered it on accident bc i was in the game files trying to fix a bug), isn't scanned properly (several pages are the wrong orientation or just off), and long as hell. If you had the physical copy back in the day, it made sense, it was something to read and skim while on the ride home from the store and the game downloaded. B-the game is buggy as hell. Some quests or obvious dialogue are broken bc of bugs C-piss poor in-game direction for the player. you NEED to have read the manual to get the most out of the game, or even play. i feel like the game relies on that so much to do it's heavy lifting the game itself suffers for it, in a way.

I'm really struggling with quests bc the quest tracker is shit. Local area maps gives you no info other than like.... a vague floor plan. The game wants you to barter with some random NPCs that aren't merchants at times just bc they want you to encounter the function.... but barter is slapped onto everyone, even when they have nothing. Choose the wrong stats or anything in the beginning? you're shit out of luck make someone new. Exploring a dungeon is exhausting bc lootable objects blend into the background.

Some stuff i've only discovered by chance, either in game or someone mentioning it in passing, or watching a streamer play the game and see him interact with stuff. You literally cannot play this game without some sort of outside help LMAO. if you could, congrats!

i've finally found a proper walkthrough i think that will finally help me. It tells info straight forward. My first time playing i couldn't even leave the vault without dying bc of bad resources bc of my bad build. I personally HATE builds and crafting one, so since then i've just tried only following examples. I think i eventually got out before but then I also couldn't figure out how to enter a location bc NOTHING WOULD SAY just click the lil green triangle in the game when you enter the green bubble (and even later when i tried looking up help). I've gotten the farthest i've ever gotten recently, after finally figuring out how to enter locations but god my own brain suffers from its own pitfalls. Took me forever to figure out how to even enter vault 15. reading dialogue HURTS bc my eyes strain against the saturated green text on dark green for so long. thats not just a this game issue tho it's also a problem for me in modern fallout games if the text is too saturated i will not read terminals and i try to spend the least amount seeing it. Also not a fan of the fat jokes against one npc but it's a product of its time and just another me problem.

sucks hard bc i really want to like the game but with everything compounded makes it such a boring slog other than like... the few easter eggs and fun encounters i came across traveling between towns. I'll probably end up relying on watching Jabo's playthrough of it but im gonna give it one last go. properly adjusted setting from the start and properly following a walkthrough. not gonna patch the game with a fan patch just bc i dont care about it enough to put in the effort LMAO

hopefully i can eventually enjoy the game properly myself this way on my final attempt. I wanna like the game and have fun so bad but i might just have to accept it's not for me.

jesus im glad i never actually streamed playing this game bc i would have just felt so insecure with all my struggling and it doesn't help just how *mean* fans of old fallout are. Not all of them, but it's sad how it seems like the nice ones are the minority.

i just hate struggling in games if i'm the only one playing. I'm happy to struggle with others in a multiplayer. struggling on my own is what i already do irl im not dealing with that shit in a game that's helping me escape lmao

as shitty as bethesda games can be, they worked several miracles getting fallout into a format that's just far more accessible, easier to get started and understand, and still make sense. Bethesda know best how to make a genre of a game just... more casual and easier to digest. Not everyone's cup of tea, sure, esp depending on the genre (not a lot of people like starfield but i love it. a lot of people love most space games and i hate them LMAO). New Vegas, everyone's beloved, i don't think would have been loved by so many if it wasn't bethesda general easy to consume format with og fallout creators (tho maybe just fallout 2). best of both worlds.

if bethesda didn't snatch up the IP, fallout would have died in the 90s LMAO. but sadly, i just think a lot of people would have preferred that. it is what it is. people be wildin.

[thevirgodoll]

hi, im 16! I worry way too much about others opinions. This is clearly stopping me from doing what i really want. I need advice for self love, self confidence... What would you say to your younger self ? ☺️

Hey love, 

1. Get to know yourself authentically.

Getting to know yourself is a lifelong experience, and it starts to take shape from the age you’re at. Begin to visualize what you want for yourself. Begin to connect with yourself - via past times/hobbies (writing, dancing, painting, singing, etc). If you have hobbies, you’ll be so busy with yourself that you won’t really think about others.

Ask yourself: “What does being me look like? What do I love to do? Where do I see my life going?” 

Journaling helps you think this through, I always recommend this to people. You can reflect on where you are in life, and where you want to go. You can set your intentions and it helps you tremendously. The universe will reward you once you begin setting your intentions with yourself. You can physically journal in a cute lil’ notebook, or digitally on journaling apps - such as Day One app. Day One can go on your Macbook and your phone. I use both physical and digital.

You can also make vision boards of the type of life you want to have - a YOU vision board, print out what the best life and your future looks like to you! Add high value women on the board that you would emulate, such as Beyoncé or Rihanna. Make it cute. Or if you are more digital, make one on Google Slides and get pictures from Pinterest, or create a private board on Pinterest. 

2. Create boundaries.

Once you get to know yourself, you will realize what you will tolerate as far as people you encounter. When you don’t have healthy boundaries, you are susceptible to always thinking about what people think, and you get taken for granted. The advantages of boundaries are stable mental and emotional health, developing autonomy, growing an identity with yourself, and nurturing self love.

You have to always ask yourself:

“Is this person adding value to my life? Do they respect my boundaries?”

You cannot allow your boundaries to be violated. There are no exceptions to this rule, because if you do make any, it violates the relationship you are building with yourself, and that is a lifelong relationship. I say don’t give people second chances, because they will use it to take advantage of you. 

Be clear about YOUR boundaries and don’t ACCEPT disrespect.  Core Personal Boundaries I Live By:

-Valuing your own feelings. You do not owe anyone an apology for how you feel. It is your own job to monitor how you feel and how others make you feel. You don’t owe anyone anything, but you owe yourself validation. I will not value other opinions over my own. i will not anticipate what other people are thinking or needing.

-Never oversharing with someone. Maintaining a semblance of privacy, because your life is your own and people can plot on your goals. Do not share too much of everything.

I will not overshare my goals and desires with someone. I will not speak about my personal problems with everyone.

I will not share every detail of my life.

-Knowing your personal needs and communicating them. If you need to defend yourself, communicate such. If someone is hurting you and they’re supposed to be your friend, be direct. Protect your emotional space ALWAYS. Never compromise this for other people.

I will take responsibility for my own emotions and needs, always.

I will protect myself.

-Not wasting time on social media when you’re bored. Instead, work on your hobbies, journaling, etcetera. When developing your self love and confidence, wasting so much time on Instagram for example is not going to help you. You have to focus on yourself.

I will put more time into myself everyday, rather than social media.

I will not waste time on social media.

-Never accepting less than mutual friendships and relationships. Once someone has proven themselves to be fake, do not accept this. Once someone has proven that they don’t care about you, do not accept this. Only tolerate what you deserve. If they give any less, remove yourself quietly from the situation and move on. 

I will not tolerate toxic friendships or relationships. I will always remove myself from any situation that is not good for me. 

I will know and understand what I deserve, and I will not accept less than what I deserve.

-Avoid people who are negative. If you are hanging out with negative individuals, they will infiltrate your life and wreck your mindset. If someone is always complaining, always jealous of you, always criticizing, and isn’t going the direction you’re going, again, no remorse. Don’t allow it.

I will not have a friend circle of negative, jealous people.

I will always put energy into people who put positive energy into me.

The reason why I am so sure of myself and sure of my dynamics in my life is because I have strong boundaries with myself and others. Setting them may feel weird or wrong at first, but this is so important and it saves you so much heartache. 

3. Reinvent yourself.

Ask yourself: What does the new me look like?

Confidence is all about how you command yourself. I have already said the following things on my blog on my posts about confidence, which you can find here: confidence.

Start thinking like you are the most important thing in the world, because you are. Begin working on your posture when you walk in a room. Wear outfits that make YOU feel good. They don’t have to be what anyone else says but you! 

If not, you need to make sure you have routines dedicated to yourself. A routine day and night including your skincare/hygiene, saying 3 things you know to be true about yourself in the mirror (I am beautiful, I am blessed, I am blossoming) say those every single day, meditation and yoga, some tea, and your journaling like I said. Every. Day. Do not slack.

Have a pampering/self love routine: hair is on point, nails are on point, makeup is on point. Body is on point: bubble baths/relaxing showers, lathered in cocoa/shea butter after, and perfume. At night, have a cute robe, cute slippers, cute pajamas. Go to the gym some days, or just do workouts at home, or stick to the yoga, as it does make you sweat with certain poses.

4. Foster independence and don’t look back. 

Being your own best friend is the most important lesson to learn in life. You have to begin to develop your autonomy from now to the rest of your life. Be more independent, make sure you are fixing your own problems and not involving everybody and their mama, learn to rely on you, and manifest opportunities and goals on your own time without involving everyone so heavily. In a generation where everyone is so interconnected via cell phones, you will stand out because you are confident, independent, and focused on you. You can have fun with other people, but the difference will show when you only engage with high value individuals. Make sure you’re productive: studying or working, and make sure you understand the days where you need to relax and resort to serious pampering. 

This will begin your journey to self love and confidence, and not worrying about everybody else!

[divinityoswin]

for the caged bird sings of freedom

➳ this work is a multichapter fic

summary: Dragons were the ones who ruled the heavens, who soared above all. It was unbecoming of one to desire to live down on earth.// Sabo knows nothing of his past. Im knows, though. Im always knows best. 

In which Im finds themselves in need of an heir, and the newest slave at Mariejois seems to be the perfect candidate.

characters: Sabo

words: 2221

content warning: angst, slavery, abuse.

»»————-　♔　————-««

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind  

It’s strange, he thinks, that there was an entire world out there to explore, yet the town seems insistent on caging its residents in.  

He can see it - the bars that lock them in houses, the corsets holding the women in place and the stiff suits that restrain the men from running out and living .  Their very hearts are locked and sealed away, to the point that they would turn their noses up at the screams of those begging for mercy.  Its a cage of their own creation, and he wants no part of it.

Why did he want no part of it?

He couldn’t move, he couldn’t speak.  All he could do was lay down and stare at the wooden ceiling, counting the planks as his body swayed gently back and forth.  A bandage is wrapped around one of his eyes, as well as most of his body - and something is strapping him down to a bed.  The last thing he remembers is an awful sensation encapsulating the left side of his body, and then nothing.  But that’s not the problem here.  It also happens to be the only thing he remembers.

Oh, he remembers feelings , information - he knows he detests nobles, and he knows that there are four seas - five, including the Grand Line.  But he doesn’t remember himself.  No name comes to the tip of his tongue, and any attempt to look back into his past is only met with an orange glow within his mind.  Fire, he presumes, which would explain the numb feeling in his body.

The boy would cry, if it did not hurt to do so.  Instead of weeping, he wonders.  Wonders of where he is, of what would happen to him.  He would welcome death, if a voice in the back of his mind did not scream at him for thinking so.

“You gave everyone a nasty shock out there.”

The voice is serene, and it sends shivers down his spine.  He cannot move his head, so it’s up to the stranger to come into his own view.  Just out of the corner of his eye, he spots a flash of orange - not the warm kind, like the fire that once engulfed him, but a harsh, sharp kind.  One that clashes with the black the stranger is wearing.

It’s a woman, he thinks to himself.  Danger.  Danger.

Get out.

“It is thanks to the kindness and generosity of our Saint that you were rescued,” she continues.  It’s almost as if she’s preaching, and he wishes desperately he could escape.  The last thing he wants is a lesson . “Tell me, do you know why you are here?”

He cannot move, nor open his mouth, so he merely stares at her general direction and waits.  Minutes pass by, and he can feel her gaze boring into the side of his skull, until finally she steps forward and comes into his field of vision.

She has a sharp nose, sharp eyes, sharp lips, sharp cheekbones - everything about her is sharp .  As if she were made of razor blades.  Yet freckles litter on her sun-kissed skin, and her curly bright orange hair is braided in a way that reminds him of a flower he had seen but could not remember, and she smiles with a grin that looks like honey.  None of this does anything to appease him, however, and he finds himself locked in a staring match with her.  It’s only when she sighs and looks away that he breaks eye contact.  The ceiling is much more interesting, anyway.

“As I suspected.  Your head trauma renders you unable to move or speak.”

A quill scratching on paper.  She’s writing something down.

“I suppose it would be useless to ask for your name,” she says.  She tuts, as if it’s somehow his fault that he’s incapable of moving. “Mine is Doctor Hymn.  A pleasure to meet you.”

Unfortunately, it isn’t much of a pleasure for him.  In fact, it’s rather unnerving, and a bit stressful.

“I will be your Doctor for this trip.  You should consider yourself lucky you survived the accident.”  He feels her hand - warm yet not in a comforting way - rest upon his forehead.  He winces. “I will begin to ask you some yes or no questions.  You will respond with blinking.  One long blink means yes, two means no.  Understand?”

He’s not exactly sure he’s in the right mindset to be answering questions.  After all, he’s still delirious from whatever ordeal he had been through, and everything happening now is driving him into a state of panic.  But Doctor Hymn’s grip on his forehead tightens, and he finds himself shutting his eyes before opening them again.

“Good, good.  Now. . .”

The floorboard creaks as her hand is removed from his forehead.  She’s stepping away, scribbling something more down, and humming to herself.

“Were you planning on assassinating our Saint?”

He blinks twice.  She’s talking absolute nonsense to him.  Even if he couldn’t remember a thing about his past, he got the sense he wasn’t the kind of person to kill others.

“Are you currently dissatisfied with the World Government and its system of governance?”

What a strange question, especially to one such as himself - a child.  He blinks twice, because he feels blinking once would be a mistake.  But in his heart, he feels something stir within him, and it takes him a moment to realise he’s lying to her.  

Why was he lying?

“That’s wonderful to hear.  Now, are you a strong young man?”

He can’t move a muscle, so he instead rolls his eyes and gazes at her general direction and waits.

“Not when you’re injured, of course,” Doctor Hymn clarifies.

He blinks once.  At least, he assumes so.

“Very well.”  She sets aside her notepad and quill, and takes a seat next to him. “You’ve passed the test.”

What test , he wants to ask, but of course nothing escapes his lips.  Doctor Hymn seems to understand his confusion, though, and continues.

“Discard your name.  It doesn’t exist anymore.”

A sentiment that would work if he could just remember his name.

“From now on, you will be called 0731.”

0731 shivers.

                                                    * * *

It takes 0731 only a day to understand the meaning behind her words, and to know exactly where he is.  Well, not exactly - but he senses something is important about where he is, and that it doesn’t bode well for him.  As far as he knows, he’s on a ship, he’s in some sort of medical area, and there are some very, very important passengers on board.

Doctor Hymn, the only person he has been allowed to see so far, refers to these passengers as ‘Saints’, speaking with such reverence as if they were holy creatures.  0731 can only assume that they’re either actual Gods, or they were simply nobles who had become so twisted in their self-worth and ego that they thought themselves to be so.

Something tells him it’s the latter.

Whatever the case may be, he isn’t allowed to see them.  Not yet, anyway.  Doctor Hymn tells him he’s too sickly to see anyone but her, and he knows for a fact it’s true.  Just the mere act of breathing, of his chest moving slowly up and down in ragged gasps, is painful.  Moving his body around - now that is physically impossible.

As for his company, she’s not bad company, but something about her sets alarm bells in his head.  From the way she dresses in a blinding white, to her vaguely familiar hair that he couldn’t quite place, to the freckles dotting her skin that looked so out of place with her cold eyes.  Every word that came from her tongue reeked of honey and venom, and now, as he lays down alone, he feels grateful she’s not there.  Probably off worshipping her saints, or something.

He would snort, if it weren’t agonizing to do so.

It just leaves the case of what exactly he is now.  And he has a inclination he knows what that is.

Slavery.

Despite his amnesia, he’s still very much aware of the term and concept.  The disgust runs down his spine and he shudders.  The very idea that one human being could be considered lesser than another, to the point that they’d be kept as pets , is sickening.  Yet here he is, a slave in all but his heart - his name already taken - travelling to who knows where and being stuck with who knows who .  He hears screams and cries from somewhere on the ship, and wrathful yells, and then silence.  His imagination goes wild, and 0731, for an instance, considers biting his own tongue off.

He doesn’t, of course.  Something in the back of his mind tells him not to.  But the instinct is still there.

The door creaks open, and the clack of high heels against wood resounds across the entire room.  0731 knows who it is, from the three times she’s been in already.  Doctor Hymn, here to check up on him no doubt.

As far as answers go, she’s told him nothing.  Not that he exactly asks many questions, considering the whole cannot move and talk situation, but that’s beside the point.  She keeps secrets close to her chest, and while he’s sure she’s never lied to him, she’s never told the full truth either.  Instead she gospels and speaks of her saints and expects him to know what she’s referring to.

“The blood samples have been completed,” she says.  She’s somewhere behind 0731, fiddling around on what he presumes to be a desk. “You have no illnesses, as far as I can tell.  As for your current condition. . .”

He feels her gaze bore into his skull.

“You’ll have to bear with it for a little while longer.  Once we get to Mariejois, you’ll be at the hands of the finest doctors in the world.”

The name Mariejois is unfamiliar to him, but it’s an indication of where he’s going, at least.  If only he knew where that is.

Something sharp pokes into the back of his spine, and suddenly it feels like knives are sticking into his back.  It takes him a moment to register that Doctor Hymn is lifting him up.  Not that it makes it any less painful.  He wants to scream, to cry, but any words hurt to say.  She seems to understand he’s in pain, however.

“This is only temporary.  We can’t have you drinking when you’re lying down, can we?” she says.

He wants to curse her, but all that comes out is a pathetic whimper.  

Doctor Hymn pours out a glass of water and brings it to his lips.  He’s parched, he realises, so he swallows it gladly.  Yet it stings and hurts down his throat.  Tears build up in the corner of his eyes, and he grimaces.  Doctor Hymn looks mildly concerned.  He wonders if she’ll be his solace during this time.

“We’ll have to fix that soon,” she says. “Our Saint would not want a product that cannot even drink.”

His heart breaks into pieces, and he loses whatever semblance of hope he has left.  As she straps him back into the bed, he’s dumbfounded.

“We’ll be arriving at Reverse Mountain soon.  Brace yourself.”

With that, she’s gone, and leaves him alone yet again.

0731 wants to scream and break free.  He wants to kick everyone’s ass and go someplace else and to be free .  Free of his shackles, free of this world, free of his fate.  Everything about now is choking him to death, it’s gripping his heart tightly and ripping it apart.  It’s not just about his injuries.  It’s not physical.

Not that they help much with that, either.  The injuries, that is.

So, instead, he stares at the ceiling, and begins counting in his head again.  He’s almost up to the final plank he can see when a sudden jolt breaks him out of his concentration, and the feeling of the straps scraping against his wounds sends him on fire.

Chaos is happening outside.  He can hear that, at least.  Screams, muffled yelling, rushing water .  It almost sounds like a waterfall.  Then, the entire ship rattles and shakes, and with it so does he.

To say that it is painful would be an understatement.  It is excruciatingly so.  His body is in no condition to move, let alone so violently, so being jerked around like that . . . it did not do him any favours.  It lasts for about two minutes before there’s a moment where he’s almost floating off his bed, kept down only by the straps, until he lands straight back down and the shaking begins again.

“Ah - Ah!”

His voice finally comes to him, in a hoarse whisper - but his voice nonetheless.  And at what a spectacular time, too!  For he was, as far as he was aware, about to die from the violent jerking and his injuries.  

Never again.  He never wants to go through that ordeal again.  Now the ship rocks gently, as if it’s on calm waters once again.  A clock ticks nearby, voice from above still muffled and still yelling, albeit quieter than before.

Staring at the ceiling, he begins to sob.  

It doesn’t take long for 0731 to scream.

[247krp]

— Rejoice, little lambs! We have recovered our own Ahn Jiho, spotted prancing about in the Southeast Side. I remember seeing him with The Decadent Intellectuals back in high school, but I’m not here to spill yesterday’s tea. So straight to the rundown: can you say cryptic and serene? Apparently now he spends time as a song writer and producer at AOMG Records and a novel writer, and keeps skeletons buried at Macheon Hill Community, 204. But those won’t stay hidden for long, if you and I have any say on it. Welcome back, The Intangible Concept; we missed you so.

In case you don’t remember the devil’s name, here’s to refresh your memory:

people said he had this way about him that was both calming and chaotic, calming in a chaotic way; like maybe, the calm before the storm and the storm itself by some people. people said a lot of things about him, or about someone that was well— hard to describe–some of which made sense, while the others strayed so far from reality. you will be wondering why he always seemed to hang out with people who was too loud when he clearly wanted silence, or hang out with someone too interested in anything remotely physical when he looked like he just wanted to talk. but perhaps that was the appeal of ahn jiho, he was everything unexpected. and people loved that; a challenge, a game that is hard to solved.

jiho, to some people, were just a beautiful irony. he was a blank space filling up a canvas, a hot cup of tea on the warmest summer day, a cold shower in the middle of winter. jiho was the lines and patterns on your plain white shirt. ahn jiho—he was such a beautiful irony. people always tried to figure him out when he never made sense to begin with. yet people still craved, still trying to search for him but he was always out of their reach. not realizing that you and also most people just let him wrapped his fingers around so easily when they couldn’t even define what he is.

he was kind in a very twisted way, yet he was cruel in a very beautiful way and in the end of the day he was only being ahn jiho – a boy whose heart and head are constantly at odds.

Nevermind the memory lane though, the present is always the ripest fruit:

people come the their own attention that they’ve been thinking about jiho a lot. some sure on how and why they keep thinking about him; sure, he is cute, lovable and everything a woman ever wanted—he is a perfect epitome of a disney prince. to the other some who may not entirely sure why that is, thinking that it could possibly because his name brings them a sense of security.

ahn jiho done everything in his power to make people feel anything but secure, and yet just simply uttering his name offers a strange form of security for them. of course, the security he offer is nothing like comfort. comfort supposed to be something people experienced after having good feelings, like laying in the arms of their significant other or embracing someone close to them. jiho will never give any random people that, which make people believes that not everyone gets all the good things in life, like comfort, especially bad people. it sucks because jiho still keep making people wondering on his action; was it really mean something? or was it just sweet nothing? 

like ahn jiho back in high school, he is still this game that people constantly playing, still the game people trying to solve; still a game where people are the one who is losing and whose heart is breaking, and he is the one who is constantly winning.

But we are nothing if not open books – my job is to ensure you get to the best pages:

       — the teacher told them (and him) to write a letter. or letters, since he asked that the more letter you write the better your grade will be. and everyone suddenly busy thinking and writing down things they wanted to say to the people on the letter. jiho on his side, silently writing down his letters. it was a very vague letters but he still passed the class fortunately. so here are LETTERS FROM AHN JIHO:

one. To mom: mom, be honest with me. you started dislike it when i call you mom, aren’t you? you’re sick of me, calling you ‘mom’ all the time, aren’t you? i know that whenever i asked you about this you’d always hit me on the head. mom, you are my last connection to the concept known as humanity. whatever anger i hold towards the world is non-existent each time i get to look into your eyes. people assume i am fazed by nothing, no weaknesses to be found, but i completely fall apart at the thought of you in danger. If something happens to you, then what do I have left? nothing. you are the only thing i have right now so stop looking for him. have a faith in me. im your son now.

two. To him: the first time i saw you, i could sense the boiling hatred in me. of course, it was the most natural and logical action to do, or maybe it was just my ego striking in me like a thunderbolt. because up until today i wished that you will become lifeless and still so you would stop bothering me anymore. so that i could finally be a perfect whole being. i can only hope and wait for the absence of your breath will be close enough. the concept of you existing in the same world as me really pricked my whole existence. it will be better if you die long ago, but you seems to be as healthy as ever. i hate the fact that you are living your life like there were nothing happened without realizing that every day you tortured me in ever so slowly pace.

three. To ‘ahn jiho’: ahn jiho, remind yourself that you will never belong to anyone, except yourself— well, myself. because if you don’t do that, you will be unclaimed, unwanted and that is not how you want to continue your life. smile, smile, smile. it’s okay to lie, it’s okay to hide. it isn’t a complete lie, just a bit of a bended truth. smile, smile, smile. if you let your mask slip, you will have nothing and be nothing. your secrets are your entire being. no one will know if you smile.

four. To gg: your existence could do nothing for me. What is your point, except to pull the wool over the naive’s eyes? I will not fall for your tricks, I refuse to be weak and take enjoyment in idle fantasies. the intangible concept? i hope that i will forever be the intangible concept that you called me for.

five. Questions to the body: you hold up, even when i feel I cannot go on any longer. i go days with a whole lot of different things i put into you, but you never falter. how long do i have, until you fall apart?

six. to you: to you, my friends. thank you for covering up all my ugly scars. walking out in the open, exposed and vulnerable is not a good feeling. out there, people wait to prey on you–me,everyone. they aim arrows of curses, knives of insults, and spears of hate at you. but you are always there for me, and i promise myself i will be there for you, too. through all the things you’ve been through lately. you know my secret, and i know yours. not all but some. i heard about the rumours people heard about us. but i’m going to be selfish and say that i don’t care because i need you– i need you to be my shield for now. too many things hidden inside me, i do not need anyone to know about it. not our clique. not even you. so i’m just going to copy whatever you are doing because right now it is the safest option for myself.

so being with you, the decadent of intellectuals (as what gg called us) are the perfect facade for myself, the most egoist one of few, but then i have to admit that at first i always thought you are all just a perfect shield of my facade and act but then i found myself really enjoying my life with you all. i found myself a seat that i feel comfortable with; so i have fun, i live my life as wildly as possible, i follow you all for fun because i am too, feeling bored or maybe it’s because i’m currently running away from ( some part are crossed with pen. unreadable ).  but truthfully, living my life as reckless as this have it’s timing. i’m on the edge of feeling bored yet again, so that’s why i only stick around when i feel the need to stick around. and only stick around with one person because i think that i need to slow down my pace with all the wildness and craziness around me. i don’t hate it, i’m not betraying anyone; i  was just bored. bored of the same thing over and over again.

seven. to god: please give me a little more— ( these part were torn apart. unable to read next.)

[raganandhersurveys]

3/4/21~5000 question survey 101-200 {CXVI}

101. What does happiness/joy feel like physically?

~it’s this kind of tingiling sensation that you can feel in your stomach and it always comes when you least expect it 

102. List five people you love starting with the one you love the absolute most

~i don’t wanna rate the people i love. i love all my family and friends 

103. How many movies have you gone to see this month? 

~none 

104. If you could have 3 wishes...but none of them could be for yourself, what would you wish for? 

~for my sister to not feel stressed about her school, for my mom and dad to have a substantial amount of money to retire on, and good health for my grandparents  

105. In what ways do you relax and de-stress when you are really tense?

~listening to music always calms me down so i try to do that or talk to my bf haha

106. How much money would it take to get you to drive to school naked in the springtime and get out of the car? 

~a million lol

107. Have you ever killed an animal?

~not on purpose:( but one time a bird hit my windshield 

108. Have you ever lost someone close to you? 

~yes

 109. What do you think of cloning? 

~i think it’s wrong 

110. Do you read or watch TV more often? 

~definitely watch tv 

111. With all this talk of terrorism going around are you willing to sacrifice rights and freedoms for increased safety? 

~no. because i think my rights and freedoms are what keep me safe ultimately

112. What is the punishment you would come up with for Osama Bin Laden if you caught him alive? 

~.....a little late for that 

113. Have you ever named an individual part of your body?’

~lolllll no

114. Have you ever been on the radio or on TV? 

~on both i think 

115. Have you ever won a lottery, or sweepstakes?

~nope

116. Have you ever won a contest or competition? 

~i have 

117. Do you like to watch The Joy of Painting show with Bob Ross (check out this link if you don't know who he is. Also please note me if you notice the link is broken) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Ross_(painter)? 

~i actually have watced it before; it’s very relaxing

118. Do you know what your grandparents and your great grand parents did for a living? 

~my grandmother worked for news channel and was a secretary and my grandpa worked on telephone lines. my grandma was a nurse, my other grandpa was a roofer, and my nana worked for a health insurance company. i have no idea what my great grandparents did

119. Is there anything really interesting in your family history? 

~we are distantly related to president eisenhower but other than that idk

120. Is there anyone you trust completely? 

~my dad

121. Have you ever lost someone without having the chance to say goodbye? 

~unfortunately yes 

122. How do you feel about women in politics? 

~i’m a firm believer in it....it’s the 21st century

123. Would you rather have an indoor Jacuzzi or an outdoor pool? 

~outdoor pool

124. What things are you interested in that you study or read about on your own? 

~i looooove true crime. i feel like i’ve watched every true crime/mystery documentary on netflix hahaha

125. Would you consider yourself to be intelligent? 

~kinda

126. Would you consider yourself to be wise? 

~honestly, it depends on what it is 

127. Have you ever given or received a lap dance? 

~i’ve attempted one lol

128. Have you ever spoken to a homeless person? 

~yes

129. Would you ever creep into the subway tunnels to go exploring? 

~i’ve never even been on a subway

130. If you could add 70 years to your life but only by making some random person die 70 years sooner would you? 

~never .

131. Can you finish any of the following lyrics? A: Nothing to kill or die for... B: Late comings with the late comin' stretcher... C: I could make a film and make you my star... 

~lol nope

 132. Were you ever with someone while they died? 

~i haven’t and honestly don’t know if i ever want to

133. Would you rather be a world political leader or a rock star? 

~a rock star for sure 

134. Have you ever given someone a love letter that you wrote? 

~lol no 

135. Have you ever sent someone a surprise though the mail? 

~yep!!

136. Are you looking forward to any concerts right now? 

~sadly, no because of covid. however, i’m thinking about getting tickets to see the weeknd in 2021 and the college i’m going to is super close to a music arena so hopefully i’ll get to go to some in college

137. Of all animated movies, which is the best one you've ever seen? 

~alice in wonderland the original is one of my all time favorite movies

138. What are the best bands or songs to listen to while driving? 

~i have an entire driving playlist and a lot of it is composed of songs dj’d by calvin harris so anything done by him is great to drive to

139. What do you think is the most amazing thing that anyone has ever accomplished?

~lol what kind of question is that ahaha

140. What could a member of the opposite sex do to impress you? 

~intelligence or if you can play guitar is super attractive to me 6

141. About how many emails do you get a day? 

~sooooo many omg. i need to go through them at some point 

How many of those emails are junk mail? 

~most of them

How many of them are forwards? 

~very few if any 

142. What's your favorite thing to do online besides write in your diary and hang out at this site? 

~pinterest and youtube 

143. Do you believe Kurt Cobain (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kurt_Cobain) killed himself or was it a conspiracy? 

~i have no idea because ik everything that surrounds him is kind os suspicious 

144. Have you ever though about hitchhiking across the country? 

~never haha. i rarly hike unless there is some beautiful destination to see

145. Who would you bring with you on this kind of a road trip? 

~a car lmmfao

146. Of the following, which word best describes you:

accurate, bold, charming, dependable

~ig charming. i’ve been called that before and i’ve been told that i make good impressions on people 

147. If you are single, at about what age do you think you will be ready to settle down and get married? If you are married, how old were you at the time? 

~i honestly have no idea. in a perfect world i’d loved to be married by my late 20s but honestly i wanna just see where life takes me and not but a number on it

148. Do you often wonder, when you say goodbye to people, if it is the last time you will ever see them? 

~i don’t actively think about that lol

149. What movie are you most looking forward to seeing when it comes out? 

~i have no idea what’s even coming out soon 

150. What is your quest? 

~what’s yours?

151. What is louder and more annoying: 200 adults talking or one four-year-old screaming?

~i’d say the screaming child just because their voices are so shrill compared to the sounds of adults just speaking

152. Do you believe the stories about planes, boats and people mysteriously disappearing into the Bermuda triangle? 

~i mean yeah lol they haven’t been able to find them 

153. Who are you the most jealous of? 

~lol madison beer. she’s so hot lmao 

154. What is the happiest way you can start your day? 

~actually eating something good for breakfast

155. Do you ever have moments where you feel like everything is all right in the world? 

~in my small world, yes haha

156. Who thinks that you are offensive?

~i have no idea lol

157. If you had to teach a class in something, what would you be able to teach people? 

~lolll i’ve taught a bible school for kids before so ig that since i have experiance in it 

158. Have you ever had a spiritual experience (an experience that cannot be explained by science)? 

~yes i have. i have been on youth retreats before where i really felt the presence of God. I’ve also felt evil energy before which is a really scry feeling

159. Do you believe that this experience was truly mystical or do you think there is some scientific explanation for it, only you don't know what it is? 

~i believe in God and in good and evil spirits so I think it was at least caused by another spiritual being 

160. Do you get offended easily? 

~not really but sometimes I can be a little bit sensitive haha

161. Would you still love and stay with your signifigant other if he or she had to have a breast or testicle removed? 

~lol yes always

162. Do you believe in fate or free will? 

~a little of both i guess

163. Do you believe that only boring people get bored? 

~lol no. i honestly think it’s easier for not boring people to get bored because they are usually doing very interesting thing. 

164. Can life change or are we all stuck in vain? 

~of course life can change haha and thank God for that

165. What changes are you afraid of? 

~having to not rely on my parents tbh. like i’m excited to begin to be truly independent but i’m nervous i won’t be able to successfully get there 

166. Are you a day person or nocturnal? 

~honestly it depends on who i’m with and what i’m doing like i’m usually not a night person but if i’m having fun with my friends then i can be 

167. What one CD could you listen to for an entire week (no mixed CD’s, it must be an album)? 

~i don’t own any CD’s anymore but in terms of an album i’d say astroworld

168. Which is worse, working in retail, food service, or an office? 

~for me it would definitely be food ;/

169. What's the coolest job you ever had? 

~it’s not cool but my favorite has been babysitting 

170. What is one central idea that your thoughts seem to come back to?

~college. it’s all i ever think about lol and just meeting new people in general

171. Have you ever wanted to be an actor/tress? 

~yesssss it will lowkey always be a dream of mine

172. If you had the power to control one person and make this person do anything you wanted for a whole day, who would you pick and what would they do? 

~a bank teller so they could give me extra money when i deposit it lmmfao

173. What star sign are you and what is your sign like? 

~i think its bs :/ im so sorry cause i know people are really into it but i just don’t ahaha

174. Did the Blair Witch Project scare you? 

~no lol but i haven’t watched it in a while 

175. Are you in constant fear of death? 

~i don’t live in fear but death i feel is scary for everyone 

176. Does fear of death keep you from building a life? 

~of course not

177. Do you like all your movies to be in wide-screen? 

~it’s whatever lol

178. Are you a fan of any comic books? 

~nope 

179. At what age did you attend your first funeral? 

~gosh probably like 6 

180. What do you smell like (lotion, cologne, sweat)? 

~lowkey kind of floral which doesn’t make any sense because i didn’t put on anything floral

181. What are your greatest sources for wisdom? 

~good question

182. When you were little, where did your parents tell you babies come from? 

~i never asked my parents that question but eventually my mom just gave me “the talk”

183. What is your favorite band? 

~fleetwood mac

184. What's the best cheesy 80's song? 

~thriller is such a bop but is that cheesy?

185. What's the best kind of movie to see on a date? 

~me and jacob can never actually sit and watch a movie together lmao but i’m always down for a horror movie 

186. Do you like to sit in the front, middle or back of the Movie Theater?

~the middle

187. Have you ever been inside an abandoned building? 

~yessss and honestly i love exploring them

188. Under what circumstances would you agree to work for free?

~if i can help other people i’m always down

189. Candles or strobe lights? 

~candles

190. Do you think the Lord of the Rings movies are true to the books or did Hollywood change the story too much?

~there is a lottttt in the books that they didn’t include in the movie but hey you can’t possibly fit every detail from the book into the movies

191. When you see a stranger on the street does your first reaction lean towards thinking of this person as a potential friend or as a potential threat?

~i don’t look at people as a threat until they give me a reason to look at me that way

192. Is it natural for human beings to fear and distrust each other, or is it cultural? 

~that’s a good question. i honestly think it’s cultural because i think distrust is taught and learned from traumatizing or sad experiences 

193. What do you really want to buy? 

~clothes and cute dorm stuff 

194. You have to choose. Would you be happier marrying someone rich for their money or living in the streets and subway tunnels with someone you love? 

~ok this sounds terrible but as much as i believe in love over all i know i could not survive in the streets so i’d pick the money so i could feel at least somewhat safe and learn to love my husband as long as he’s a good person

195. If someone wanted to understand you what book could they read that would help?

~omg i have no idea. no book describes me that well

196. Do you think it’s odd that Americans have freedom of religion and yet call themselves 'one nation under god'? 

~as a christian, yes. i believe there is only one God and that He rules all, but I don’t expect everyone to believe that and they have the right to worship whoever they please as long as it doesn’t hurt others

197. In what sense are you a minority? 

~i have no idea lol

198. Are you anti social? 

~lolllllll nope haha i’m pretty outgoing when it comes to meeting new people

199. Do you photograph well? 

~i’m ok

200. Do you think that human beings would survivor through a nuclear winter?

~who knows