#im at that adhd level of mania of like. thinking you can do anything in the early hours of morning

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Okay at 6am I wrapped all of my physical books that I haven't read in wrapping paper and then numbered them and then wrote the numbers on slips of paper and put them in a mug so when I'm done reading my Kindle book I can start on my physical books as a fun little surprise and also this year I'm gonna knit a book blanket. Different color for each genre, different amount of rows for how many stars I rate it. Nevermind that I haven't finished the shawl I started on October, or the blanket I started THREE YEARS AGO. This one will be different.

I'm going levels of insane that I never thought possible.

[eremiphobic]

i ended up writing a whole bunch of shit so its under a cut. cw for graphic nightmares and negative self talk and sexual assault i guess

I feel like all I talk about is my symptomology. It just takes up so much of my mental energy right now, trying to be mindful and identify symptoms and try to figure out what my non-elevated and non-depressed mood is, trying to counter my mood ramping up to keep myself more level so I don’t peak and crash. I spent most of high school in a hypomanic state, crashed into mostly depression, and I think I’ve been mostly mixed state ever since. It just feels so embarrassing? When I’m hypomanic and running around the house and just being hyper and talking really fast. Like I feel like I’m not funny or engaging just annoying and cringey. Fucking cringe culture or whatever has just put a name to a fear, of seeming like a fool or immature or whatever the fuck.

also I flossed my teeth today and now my teeth and gums hurt and it feels like my teeth are gonna fall out which I obviously know they won’t but still. all my dreams are lucid dreams except for the bad ones. I don’t think I ever know I’m dreaming when my teeth are falling out. in the dreams I always know this is something that has either happened to me before or know that I have dreamt about it before and this time is real.

I had a dream the other day that haley and lily and i were in russia. and we were inside a coffee shop and outside the window on the street there were people gathered around and wagon - not a horse wagon but one you pull children in. and in it was a little boy lying face up and from where we were we couldn’t see his face only his body. and this scene is unfolding and we find out, not really see, that there is like a big sphere with two halves that is encasing this boys head, like imagine two halves of a coconut right around this kids head. and there are police men and people trying to remove this from the kid’s head. and eventually they open it or remove it and the kid has no head at all. anyway it was fucked, and i was so sad about it, about this poor kid, and the dream went on and we were like back home going about our lives and i was just so sad about this kid in the street, and upset that me and haley and lily had to witness it and then just go about our lives. and when i woke up i was so relieved that this beheaded kid wasnt real and we didn’t really have to live with seeing it. jesus. i know my teeth have never really all fallen out but i know the feeling so well of them all loose in my mouth and all coming out of my gums that i feel like ive lived it.

I want to aestheticize everything i do. i want to turn everything into art. people talk about bursts of creativity during mania and I normally scoff at that as being a symptom i don’t get to benefit from or whatever but I spent several hours the other day cutting my pants into strips to turn into a weaving. i want to weave a coat of arms, like a flag or banner. i have 2 burgundy 2 light blue 2 black 1 white. but maybe i could bleach them all and dye them however i want.

i have to write and research this group paper but i feel so disassociated, worse than i have in quite a while. and i just can’t stop thinking. not long enough to do anything.

before i got the bipolar diagnosis, a couple years ago i was in group therapy at york and it was pretty shitty because no one ever came and it would be you and 1 or 2 other guys, and it was cancelled all the time and was all in all shit show and just not therapeutically helpful at all, but something good was this guy who was very kind and had pretty intense anxiety related to a knew diagnosis, and he was describing his experiences of trying to get things done and apply to jobs and just generally function and the nitty gritty of what was hard about it, and i was blown away by how much he was describing my exact experience with certain things, which i hadn’t heard anyone done before, and i was adding to what he said, and we were both just so elated to hear it from each other, and eventually he says that ya ADHD is a bitch and that he doesn’t know my particular diagnosis or whatever but yeah that that was his and it was nice to hear someone explain the exact same problems. and i thought like oh shit i had no idea and maybe this does fit me, and have thought a lot about it and thinking i might have undiagnosed attention deficit issues. anyway i just found out that hypomania has symptoms of attention deficit and concentration etc which present much the same way as adhd. so anyway. that’s nice to know.

i miss my family and feel like a shit daughter and shit sister, and shit partner. i know my friends love me. even when i feel like they dont i know im wrong. i wish i could just fucking snap out of it.

all this sexual assault talk is great but so upsetting. but then i feel shit for being upset about it cuz stuff wasn’t super serious that i’ve experienced i guess, even though i know that’s not logical and i know that part of what everyone is saying is that any small story matters. just thinking about how shit ive felt and how scared ive been is just shit.

im trying to write myself out of a spiral not dig into one. i cant re-orrient my brain into the work i need to do. i hoped writing the stuff i couldnt stop thinking about would help but im still cycling and cant stop thinking anyway. so its not working but its still worth while i think. i feel like i need to go to bed because its dark but its not even 7. 

i feel like im betraying people when i spend time not working on my obligations or self care because its taking even more time away from spending time with them, the longer it takes me to do stuff. 

im going to a work dinner tonight. i hope the people i like are there and not just the people who make me feel small and unwanted there. i think it would be fun to be at dinner with meagan and lakeisha and annie and dave for example. so i hope they’re all there and actually interact with me. cuz the other scenario is the people are all there but dont engage. anyway.

i feel like i cant stop. im so embarrassed.  i feel like i could write until i pass out. im going to try to work for 10 minutes. even just 10 minutes so i feel less incompetent. then i can go home. and i think i might write more tonight when im not able to sleep. decreased need for sleep is a hypomania symptom. im lethargic and want to stay in bed in the mornings but when i actually think about it its accurate that im needing to sleep way less/can’t sleep. anyway thats all folks.