#im also pmsing that probably doesn’t help

[finex09]

so much despair and horror in me rn. the housing market is so bad my part of town that my family legit cannot afford to move out of our shitty apartment even tho it would realistically be the best decision of our fucking lives to move out

[zeamusic-blog1]

3:01 am 31/05/19

i almost killed myself 3 days ago. or almost tried to at least. i also relapsed and self-harmed again for the first time in almost a year i think. well idk if you can call it self-harm, i just scratch myself as hard as i can all over my arms. doesn’t draw a lot of blood but it does leave marks for a few days. i just like how my arms literally burn afterwards and they go all red and there are welts for a few hours. it feels good. im not sure what triggered it. everything had been irritating me and getting on my nerves for the past 2 weeks, probably bc i was PMSing, but it got so dark and so deep 3 days ago. i think bc it was his birthday the day before and it just made me remember everything that happened with him. and it just made me realise that he probably has not thought of me at all in the last 2 months at least. people forget me a lot easier than i forget them. i care way more about people than they care about me. and i spent a full 6 minutes in front of the mirror that day, crying and repeating to myself “i deserve better” i deserve fucking better bc i do, i deserve the whole world. but then why does everyone leave so easily. no fight or argument, they just exit my life. like a, s, s, r, d, m, a, i, a, e, all just left me in their past. replaced me with someone else. if it’s that easy then do i really mean anything at all? surely if i was significant it wouldn’t be so simple for so many people to leave me and forget me. whilst i’m left reminiscing every day, wondering what i did so wrong and what could’ve been if i’d done something differently. i never want to have any regrets bc what’s happened has happened. but lately, i regret everything. i dont know where to start or where to end or how to sit with myself. i hate being alone. i cant be by myself, thats when everything starts going downhill. i hate how i always need someone to make me feel complete. i wish i could give all the love i want to give to someone else, to myself and be okay with just myself. but i cant. when im alone i just get in my head and then try and kill myself apparently. i was high as fuck that night and took a knife to cut open a box and i just looked down at it in my head, so light and easy, and it just struck me how fucking easy it would be to just press the blade to my wrist and drag vertically and let it do its work. but the tiny rational part of my brain was terrified at the thought and so i never got to that point. i just pressed the knife to the corner of my palm and dragged down over and over. but i must not have been pressing that hard bc i didnt cut into muscle, just split the first few layers of skin. i’ve always been averse to cutting and i guess it was my subconscious preventing me of committing it in that moment. but i came so close to drawing blood and that terrified me. the real, serious thoughts i had of just cutting open my wrists or stabbing my jugular or getting the box of paracetamol and just taking all 40 pills in there, they terrified me and i had the first ever paranoia i ever felt whilst high. the 2 days following that were just as bad, although i didnt pick up a knife or pills. just sat in my room crying for most of the day, if not the whole day. today was okay. i didnt cry until half an hour ago when i reinstalled snapchat and saw m and y had messaged me to make sure i was okay. i know there are people who care but at the same time, there’s this voice constantly saying that they don’t really care and they definitely dont care the same way you care about them. and i find myself listening to that voice a lot more nowadays. all the same, i want to talk to them. i want to reach out and ask for help and just tell someone who cares, even if just a tiny but, whats been going on and how scared and fucking miserable i am. but i just couldn’t bring myself to. i didnt want to face the disappointment of not getting the reaction i want, which i dont even fucking know what reaction i want. i also just dont want to burden them. i know they have their own shit going on and i dont want to add to that and make it worse. i just have no one to speak to at this point and i’ve never felt as alone as i have this whole week. its been really shitty, to say the least. i guess thats why i wrote this. i just had to get it out somehow and i couldnt tell people in my life so here it goes forever into the interweb. nobody’s going to read this anyway, who’s going to click on my tumblr. so i guess it’s alright. just a place for me to get my thoughts out and hopefully find a better, healthier way to cope with all this. i love you and you deserve better okay. you will be okay. help yourself. please.

[not-tryin-2-have-a-debate]

Not to complain abt lateral aggression online but you know that cycle of transphobic women severely misunderstanding the experience of trans men and their complicated relationship with misogyny despite not being women but then also trans men severely misunderstanding misogyny becuase of their complicated experience with having to deal with the fallout of it despite not being women

Yknow that circling piss pool

It seems like whenever i see a discussion of misogyny and like...how children are taught to live under and emulate it. Theres this disgusting mess of transphobes and terfs extrapolating reality out to their theories on "socialization"...but then there are also like 20 transmasc weirdos who are like trying to distance themselves from it and end up essentially saying misogyny or the aspect of it being discussed is fake and all these women are lying bc 'well I grew up as a gurl and it wasnt like that for ME' as if 1. Feeling disconnected from being a girl because you werent one had No Effect on how you viewed girls and how you were treated bc people assumed you were a girl??? Are you fucking sure????? 2.just like...lol at men thinking its progressive and good for them to deny misogyny generally? Lol @ men trying to distance themselves from their role in misogyny...especially men you would expect to have more compassion since they were like a mistakeb target of it...but nope! That just becomes a new excuse to say they cant do a misogyny that goes largely unchecked

Like....if you are aware that your trans or your not

A starting point is feeling a kind of disconnect from the group youre "meant" to be part of

When that group is women, youre inevitably going to also be disconnected in some way from the pain that comes from misogyny, bc on sone level it doesnt feel "meant for" you. Thats someone elses experience. When it happens to you its a mistake.

But then when these discussions come up now were "generalizing". It becomes "oh well this didnt happen with me, one example of a person, and furthermore a person who WAS NOT A WOMAN, so therefore you argument that x is a societal problem is bunk i guess" and its.....just.....So...like peak boy logic idk

When my brother came out so many things immediately made sense for better and for worse. For worse in that i realized why he never fucking helped with chores, he didnt seem to feel any empathy for my mom having to do everything for him, and i had to pick up the slack. It made sense that i didnt have an older sister, and it made sense that all that shit about the plight of the oldest daughter had always made me so like actively angry because it was the opposite of what i thought was my experience. But actually, I was the oldest daughter...for however much of a girl i am yknow but. Different convo.

Biological sex isnt a thing and there isnt really some deeply ingrained set of gender genes ir whatever. Its just feelings. But when youre born into a binary culture where you learn even subconsciously that x is how women should be and z is how men should be...when you dont idebtify with women, you dont idebtify with x. You tend to go toward z bc thats the only other option youve been given.

So even if x is expexted of you, its like completely expected for youre behavior to start shifting before you come out. A lot of people relate to that either bc they were realizing who they were or becoming more comfortable with being that way outwardly. Its not a negative thing. But when were talking abt being a guy...an unavoidable part of that list of guy thongs is misogyny. And entitlement. And sadly the transphobia these men face seems to push them into like grabbing onto these parts ofbbeing a man a lot stronger, and using their unique perspectivw and """insider info""" on what its like to be a woman (even though...again...they arent...so um...) as a tool to discredit them

this is really messy and like Ironically PMSing phone complaining and im sorry but like ohhh my god it annoys me so god damn much. boys annoy me it especially annoys me bc that boy is like saying its transmisogynist to talk abt an actual aspect of misogyny. whne like...no...trans girls are also victims of this. these expectations of women effect them as misogyny. directly. its so fucking stupid like yes a terf can will and often does take real issues and conspiracy theory connect them to making it trans women’s faults...but that isnt the same thing as trying to talk abt the misogyny faced by all women. like. obviously. and a man getting holier than thou abt it and trying to shut down that discussion as something transphobic makes me want to pull my hair out.

this is probably rude but it comes off like he’s trying to make it about him when its not. like ‘this is transmisogynist which is a kind of transphobia and that effect ME!!!” when in reality he’s just...a man complaining that women are talking about their own oppression. it isnt misogynist to talk abt fucking misogyny

and at the end of the day the thing being talked about was the INCREDIBLY WELL KNOWN IDEA that women are specifically put-upon by men and society at large. that women have to do all this extra shit just to exist, then more to not be ostracized, then more that the ‘normal’ expected amount of work that ‘everyone’ has to pitch in, then ‘’’women’s work,’’’then more to keep the men around them from falling to pieces and throwing temper tantrums...and after women do and have done all that, for thousands of years all around the world, we’re still the weak and lazy and simple and childlike ones that have to be protected by manly man who, as we all know, totally do All of The Work. that not being the experience in your family doesn’t make it suddenly dissappear. that not being your experience as a woman, because you AREN’T a woman, doesnt....make women’s experiences...different. but im just gonna unfollow that person and hope someday theyll learn ad well all go about our days bc it would be too much of an unneccessary and pointless effort for me to argue with a man about how women apparently don’t have to put tons of unneccessary pointless effort into dealing with and placating men and how saying so, apparently, hurts women?????? Ok