#im also not disabled but seeing people go “why can't you just draw using a pencil in your mouth instead of STEALING!!!!!!!”

[garyfischy]

the ai art discourse is so fucking stupid man (remembers like half my friends go to art school) (clamps a hand over my mouth)

[pien-art]

-FAQ-

Hello! I've gained a whole bunch of followers lately and I've been getting a lot of questions about commissions, what my setup is, what brushes I use, etc, so I thought I'd make a post about it to answer everyone's questions at once !

Putting them under the cut <3

Commissions:

Commission prices are listed in my pinned post. You can send me a private message about your commission idea and we can get to talking :) It is helpful to have enough references handy (character, outfit, descriptions etc)

I am generally a fast drawer but I also have a job and a physical disability so there might be moments I can't work on your commission. But that is never longer than a few days at most.

Payment is upfront, the full amount and via paypal only. I know this might seem a bit scary but unfortunately there are a lot of people who end up not paying for commissions and I want to avoid that.

During the process I will send you frequent updates and will ask for input, to see if it is going in the direction you want. You can ask for changes during the sketching progress but once I've started on line-art and coloring, no big changes will happen. (You can for example ask for a different color for a shirt etc, but not for a different prop or pose or expression)

When it is completed, I will send the drawing to you via email. The drawing will remain mine and it is not to be sold or profited of by the person who commissioned me. If the commission is for something commercial/for selling, that needs to be discussed. I prefer to do drawings only for personal use!

For more questions, my dms/asks are open :)

How long have I been doing digital art:

I've been drawing digitally for about 5 years now i think? But before that I've been drawing and painting traditionally literally since the moment I could pick up a pencil.

Set-up:

It's just me and my ipad and apple pencil laying on my bed. I wouldn't even know where to begin for those whole multi-monitor/screen setups ;-; I draw only with Procreate

Brushes:

I tend to play with different brushes from time to time to get different textures, but generally i use the same few for most of my drawings/styles. My favorite one is the Peppermint Brush, for sketching. I use it in every drawing i make! I always sketch with it, and often do the line-art with it as well! And it makes for a nice textured brush for rendering as well! (i used it for a lot of rendering of the armor in this drawing)

The (procreate) brushes i use a lot are

for medieval style: inking - Ink Bleed (for line-art) artistic - Quoll (for coloring)

for general style: calligraphy - Chalk (coloring/rendering) sketching - Peppermint (line-art/sketching)

for realism: calligraphy - Shale Brush (full rendering) Also using the shale brush for smudging and erasing when drawing realistic

for lineart: smooth pencil from this pack by Heygiudi

How/why do you choose a base color:

I tend to look at a few different things when deciding on a base color/color palette.

the overall color of the reference pic

the color i associate with who or what i am drawing

the feeling/vibe i want to give off with that drawing

color has a BIG impact on the vibe of a drawing, so it is something i keep in mind when im drawing.

Using a color as a base to start, helps a lot with my drawing process. It helps me pick out other colors so they match better. It helps me get light/dark values right. And the chalk brush i use, has gaps between the strokes, so the base color will always come through a little. Having the same color come through in the entire drawing, helps pull all the colors together if that makes sense? I always start with a solid base color when i am painting traditionally as well!

Advice:

PRACTICE!!! just keep drawing and practice. I know this is such generic advice but truly practice is The Way. Learn from other artists but don't compare yourself to them. Everyone's artistic journey is different and there's no "good" or "bad". And most importantly make sure that you have fun when you're making stuff :3

I also learn a lot by studying art I admire and love. Figuring out what it is I like about it. (for example, the line thickness or the shapes or texture etc), and try to incorporate that in my own style in a way that is not directly copying or stealing.

[juni-ravenhall]

still seeing posts about problematic made up content in the year of absolute fucking hell 2024 tells me that you guys still dont have friends in indonesia in arranged marriages with men they dont love pregnant with kids they dont want who are lovely and kind ppl being tortured for patriarchy reasons and write toxic incest yaoi to feel some kind of light in their extremely fucked up life. im sorry but im never going to feel more empathy to you for being triggered (i have ptsd and been abused for my whole life) about a drawing or story or ship and acting extreme and unnuanced about it (badly handled trauma response) than the deep, deep empathy and love and warmth and respect i feel to the lovely kind women writing nasty freaky immoral yaoi to cope with a horrifying reality of misogyny and lack of human rights and the amazing sweet and creative suicidal teenagers told by everyone around them irl that they will burn in hell and never be normal who draw bizarre furry porn to try cling on to a glimpse of joy and fantasy in a cruel world that wants them dead. im so sorry i have priorities. im so sorry nobody's teaching you how to handle your trauma about sex and the patriarchy so you can stop projecting blame on oppressed people and abuse victims just bc theyre easy to access on your apps on your phone and you enable yourself to dehumanise them and be cruel to feel some semblance of control and safety in your own cloud of trauma. i cant even imagine saying "yuck" towards a woman in an arranged marriage stuck at home caring for a kid she didnt choose, because she wrote a nasty fanfic. i can't even imagine talking shit about a suicidal queer teenager because they read a nasty comic while spiralling in bed and wondering if they can handle another week of this life. if they are kind and respectful to real people and not sending adult things to minors or abusing anyone or bullying anyone or harassing anyone, then my love to them is boundless and my anger towards those who hurt them is the same. we need to destroy the patriarchy and end oppression and abuse and racism and classism and ableism and queerphobia together but we also need to handle our own triggers healthily and work to view other humans with nuance and empathy and love and equal rights without dehumanisation regardless if they read a nasty book, and focus on actual actions and real impact and actual systemic issues. it will never fail to be impressive in hypocrisy how someone can watch a hollywood movie and post about it as if it's morally neutral but judge or harass a disabled queer artist with the perception that this person is causing more immediate and severe harm than the production and consequences of a hollywood movie. or that sex is the enemy and that a bad ship is causing more immediate and severe harm than any amount of excitement around gore and violence and horror and death. i really wish i was on a planet where things made sense, but that feeling too is not something i use to abuse others. i understand why icky sex and fucked up romance irl traumatised you and makes you scared and upset even when its made up and not affecting you, because i see how you got there. but it's irrational to enable you and your friends to be shit people for it. im never ever tolerating you saying "yuck" or worse towards oppressed people who are just trying to fucking survive and not causing any more harm than you are, often the reverse, in my experience, often they're the kindest friends on earth in the worst fucking circumstances on earth while you sit with your privilege and dehumanise them just like any other pig in power. i love you fujoshi. i love you queers. i love you women. i love you furries. i love you ppl with kinks they live out in fiction or consensually. i love you traumatised kids and teens with no support. i love you traumatised adults with no support. dont hurt each other anymore. you have to choose to see that abused and oppressed people arent the cause of evil in the world no matter if their interests trigger you.

[setoronini]

PLEASE READ IN FULL!!

Before making assumptions or stuff about me or what i like /gen

Would be appreciated!! ^.^

My name is Setoroni! He/Him + Neos that can be found in my Pronouns Page above

Actually all my info is in my Pronouns page. Well most of it

PLEASE TELL ME IF I DO SOMETHING WRONG I AM PROBABLY MISINFORMED OR STUPID

I talk too much. Or tyepe whateve

> TAGS

- Main Tags

#★ = Fav Posts, usually used for reblogs

#seto art = My art tag!

#seto translations = Mainly for @.expungedagalungagoo 's @.ask-unpleasant blog when I feel like being helpful

#backstage textposts = Explanatory. I talk.

#seto shitpost = similar to textpost but this is me doing whatever and acting like I'm talking to a close friend

#seto status = I update random people on the Internet on my wellbeing

- Misc Tags

#artfight creatives = Anything AF related

↓extra info under cut↓

My ssona..

His name is my name (seto) be nice

Why do i use chat and type in blue and white?

Because ican (scratches an itch in my brain and nice to look at)

Socials

Yah...

Only posting art on Artfight N Tumblr

↑ Yah if u see like 15 stars Thats Me Im Very Specific About It Being 15 Stars

I recommend good music trust. I have 1500 song playlist and their all vocaloid or old rock

Im mainly reposting on this becayse i post my art rarely.kinda. because im a BABY. But eh. usually repost infected art n stuff...

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RAT LIST

(friend list on tumblr in order of chaos or something)

(go follow them)

@.kinoko-draws

My rat child that i hate so much i have known them too long

@.expungedagalungagoo

I found them and now we are friends its called telekinesis i think or something like that its magic.

@.fymo-blogs

Translation stealer

Do not test me

/playful

TBA as i get to run around with free access to the world

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some things to note ≈∞≈

I'm not diagnosed with anything but Anxiety due to my current situation, but I don't care if you make jokes toward me about (an)other disorder(s) (trust me I am way too used to it to gaf and find it a bit funny)

I will usually be online most of the time, and if I'm not I'm probably asleep or doing chores

I have a Disabled uncle with Epilepsy and Intellectual Disability (plus other issues) that I take care of, please take that into account

I take behaviors from people around me/i interact with

I cannot pay attention to multiple fandoms at once and stay heavily focused at one at a time (currently that'd be Regretevator)

I'm a Minor, mid-late teens

I have writing issues so I might use tonetags and misspell often!!

My brain physically starts crashing sometimes be patient with my dumbass

Ill make a card one day with Patience....be patient...

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In reference to Ships :

I ship everything as long as it's legal and not weird as shit. If something exists i like it, if it doesn't i like it, most if not all ships will always be above "no opinion but i like it" or will be "never seen or havent thought much about it to have an opinion."

Plus im a really big polyam ship lover ← polyamorous person

WHERE THE HELL IS MY JEREMY X INFECTED X UNPLEASANT X LAMPERT X POOB X PEST ART. WHERE IT AT. WHERES MY TRASHED PARTY (™ (not really its fun to say)) AT.

I do enjoy ships with Infected more, but that's just because infected is my favorite and I project onto him too much.

^ any ship with the guys above this message is a win 4 me

In reference to my own Headcanons :

I dont push my hcs onto anyone, especially not with things like dynamics, sexualities, gender, etc. I'm the one who steals headcanons and projects onto my favs, and honestly a lot of people are super creative with their own headcanons.

Also I'm very fluid with my headcanons so I can't really state them? I do have genders and sexualities for some characters settled.

In reference to being Mutuals/Friends :

I literally classify anyone as a friend until proven otherwise*, If I am actually all friendly and comfy with you you are friend status. Which is everyone. Their mini-specifics in that but those aren't important everyone is a friend or higher if I interact/interacted with you

* proven otherwise in this situation meaning like basic dni criteria (?) (illegal stuff, in general being a weirdo /neg, not respecting other peoples boundaries). I am not good in agruments

[stimmypaw]

Stimmypaw reads Darkest Night! The fourth text post!

Back with these uh live reading comments! Remember those? yeah! I'm on the fourth book of Warrior Cats: A Vision of Shadows :D I read The Apprentice's Quest and Thunder and Shadow and Shattered Sky and now!! I'm here :D and boy did I have a time. Click read more to see it!

NEEDLETAIL?????????

Needletail???????????

What?????

OH???????

Wh THIS GUY IS TALKIN 2 DEAD PEOPLE????

HOW WHO IS THAT

OH MY GOD

These guys are weak and dumb skyclan is epic and sharing the territory with them is good, but of course sparkpelt isn't dealing well with change wink wink nudge wink nudge nudge huh???? (this is a nod to how I project into her and say shes autistic)

I am getting anxious for tinycloud SERIOUSLY how much longer until those kits??? Everyday you show up and its WOW my tummy ssure is HUGE AND BULGING I just Wonder Oh When They'll Be Born, probably pretty soon!!! :) and then they arent!!!! Birth dammit!!!

Cherryfall cut the sick and hurt cats some slack jeez youre Fine, youre not feeding half the forest and you have THREE medicine cats ready to help you if youre not feeling well

Bastard Cherryfall I hate you /lh

Dovewing and Tigerheart have relationship drama again. What is UP with those two I simply do not understand them

Watching Bramblestar trying to control this bizarre situation is actually funny he is so close to screaming "PLEASE dont be mad :c"

SOON WHEN???? JUST KIT THOSE KITTENS DAMMIT

Get her, Alderheart

They LITERALLY said something about sharing the territory, they were like "Stars have five points baby and we need those 5 clans togetherrrr" what else do these cats want??? I know its a big change but its necessary

Wait everyone shut up that cat is named Podlight this is so important to me

Dang these cats are really still struggling :c I wish they didnt blame each other

Harestar is so cool

What the FUCK mistystar????

God what a disaster of a gathering Starclan is gonna be so pissed everyone is doing the opposite of what they should

I was holding my breath oof

I hope thunderclan gives some territory too thats too small a space for Skyclan

Oh boy oh boy oh boy i am Anxious for these Kitties

Violetpaw is me having nightmares every night

Macgyver is a heavily gringue name and I have No Clue how to say it how the hell do you say it

Update its either Mick Guyver or Mac Guyver apparently

Its fun to see how different the sisters are from one another, I love them both

I also love their mom with the name identical to puddleshine wish I got to meet her

IM CRYING BRO........M...MDB.....NFBANN.....VIOLETPAW BELONGS MY DARLING MY DAUGHTER

Sadly Twigpaw is for gender binarism 😔 /j

Twigpaw is often in her thoughts and doesn't pay attention to anything around her and I love her for that

Bad news Finpaw is gonna lose his tail, good news I can draw his tail fin-shaped

Puddleshine surgeon moment!!!

I love Graystripe and Millie

And I love that being flirty is a part of Sparkpelt's personality, I don't know what Alderheart is talking about she's always been dandelion-headed

Ok this is epic, I’m glad we’re breaking gender roles in Warrior Cats my heart dropped when the books called Briarlight cr*ppled, that’s the thing they promised not to do anymore recently right? I’m not sure but, I could use some uh less ableism on my Warrior Cats, the series is old but the newer books should be better, so yeah, good modernize these cats babyyy

OH COOL Skyclan journey!!! Fun I hope they find someone :] also fuck Molewhisker and Cherryfall bastards.

Jayfeather is gonna miss Alderheart too much for him to leave hehehe

ALL of Starclan showed up just to call out Riverclan pahahah

oooo is shadowclan haunted?????

FINALLY TINYCLOUD IS KITTING YES GOD YES GO QUEEN GOOOO!!!!

I wonder why Twigpaw wants to stay behind, there has to be more than just the camp stuff

"I wish I were more positive like Twigpaw, but at least I'm just as scarred by the death of my loved ones as my dad :] I like being like him"

Violetpaw witnesses a car crash 😔 that was a bit messy what happened to those cars also why the hell was one of them smaller was it a bike??? Or ???? Idk what's up with it!!!

Needletail just happens to have slow-down turned on for her on the discord chat so she can only say like a few words each hour :/ why the hell is she here tho Violetpaw needs to get OVER your death!!!!

This short exchange has made me love Dewpaw

Also, I love Twigpaw, I still wonder why she stayed behind tho

Ahh, is it cus she feels too estranged from her family :c ? I wish her mom was around maybe that would help

Jee Twigpaw be a tad more empathic, I can see Twigpaw struggles with that sometimes

You can't cheer him up right now he's grieving, just find him on common ground, talk to him, don't try to make him happy just try to keep him company

Oh wow finpaw that's a dangerous thing to say I hope Twigpaw doesn't crumble under the pressure to never be sad because people like her because she's happy and her being sad would be bad

ALSO I JUST REMMEMBRERD UH TWIGPAW MENTIONED BRIARLIGHT BUT BERRYNOSE IS RIGHT THERE???? HE IS RIGHT HE DIDNT DIE OFF SCREEN IM SURE OF IT WAIY

BERRYNOSS IS RIGHT THERE I CHDCKED!!!! HE LOST HIS TAIL TOO AND HES A GREAT WARRIOR, TWIGPAW!!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED IT ITS MORE RELATABLE

Okay I'm glad they're getting along this is nice

Oh look twigpaw you Are like your father :] this is cute

Skyclan begins to fish competitively I'm glad

I like it when medicine cats bicker about their leader's behaviors ehheheh, Jayfeather talking about how weak Shadowclan is, Alderheart being annoyed at his father for wanting to stay silent, the others worried about the tensions this is all cheff the kisser

Jayfeather spitting the truths about how Starclan doesn't know shit, and he is very much one to speak

Puddleshine: Rowanstar stepped up the patrols :c

Leadstar: He has warriors enough for that?? Damn good for him

Dang poor Skyclan I hope they manage stuff better soon

Oooo the girls are fighting!!!

Alderheart starclan anxiety time dang

Sheep :]

Needletail :[

I'm sad Ravenpaw isn't here, this is a lovely reunion scene but knowing Barley will be alone when they all leave breaks my heart

Oh, maybe not, but if they stay I'll be sad also cus Skyclan needs its warriors

Aw man, Twigpaw is struggling :c

OUCH

I WANT SKYCLAN 2 SWIM THO......

Omg crimes

That sounds kinda possessive twigpaw!

DOVEWING?????

T

WhHAHAGAHAHA WHERE DID THAT COME FROM

omg tigerstar 2 real

Whats he gonna do to rowanstar???

ALRIGHT THATA OVER THEN PAHAHA

Aw, I'm glad they're having fun tho, and that twigpaw sees herself as skyclan

Alderheart, as he meets someone for the first time in a while: ARE YOU OKAY???

Blackstar protagonist moment

The medicine cats: our gods are toying with us again and destiny is uncertain

Leaders: I cannot DO this right now PLEASE leave and let me care for The Real Issues

Alderheart: YOU WILL hang out at my house Willowshine this isn't up for debate

Riverclan suffered enough and it's their turn to throw a tantrum about it, honestly good for them hsghahah

Alderheart asks his father to go on a quest to check people's feet

WHAT THR HELL IS A CANTANKEROUS

Alderheart and Willowpelt sitting there watching Shadowclan fight

This is really funny

HEWWO????

Puddleshine, in his eyes: help help

I love Skyclan

Ok this sounds like it's gonna be very very fun

Mission impossible: Escape From São Paulo

Oh, is Fallowfern deaf? That's so poggers omg I wanna see more of her

Edit: fallowfern is an elder that lost her hearing with age and retired after that happened :/ boring

I love leafstar so much

Juniperclaw: aren't you gonna punish her????

Leafstar: why

Juniperclaw: when I tell rowanstar he's gonna be pissed

Leafstar: don't tell him

Juniperclaw: the fuck is wrong with you and your clan??? Where is everyone???????

Leafstar: busy

Icon

I don't trust abled people specially able-bodied people telling disabled people they just have to train harder and feeling sorry for yourself won't help.

But this is the closest to a positive message to disabled people we have ever had in warriors so I guess I'll take it but I want better

IVYPOOL!!!💖💖💖💖💕

Dang ivypool what a way to show someone you miss them hahaha

Twigpaw: uhhhh how's dovewing?

Ivypool: what do you mean did she do something illegal I'm sure she did

Ivypool is a seriously funny character WHY are you yelling at the young adult about your sisters illegal activities she doesn't know anything about it!!!!

Alderheart goes on an adventure

Feet inspector on the road!!!!

Jasper is so funny I love him

Omg what's he got against clan cats??? What's his sad backstory????

YEESSSS SPARKPELT MY LOVE 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💕💕💕💕💕💕💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💕💕💕

Sparkpelt your opinion sucks but I love you

I'm really really glad they had this moment this is really sweet, they hadn't talked for a while but this is genuine like, we hadn't had this sort of relationship in so long in the books with just, dialogue yknow??? THEYRE TALKING ABOUT THINGS

And the pause Sparkpelt takes between her speaking to fix what she's saying "I'm sorry for saving you :c no wait uhh not exactly but like" this is so good so natural so fun I love you sparkpelt

I get why she has a diferent opinion on Skyclan it's good for someone close to Alderheart to have a different mindset from him and for him to have someone like uh be opposites from him a lil yknow contrats his characteristics makes both siblings fun round and full of kitty do you get what I'm saying???

I love this

I love Sparkpelt, love her lil anxious moments, love her, love that she just wants to fool around with toms and enjoys Larksong but doesn't want to get serious you go girl

They wanted to write smart-ass they wanted to write smart-ass so bad

They're doing this in the rain?????

I'm quite certain Violetpaw is a young adult by this point its valid for her to go

Wh why did you let your cat out in the rain dude!!! When it comes back it's gonna dirty up the whole place it's wet out there!!!! And the cold is gonna get in the house!!!!!!!

I WAS HOLDING MY BREATH OH LORD

That was SO INTENSE AND SO FUNNY AND SO MUCH, IM SO GLAD SHE MADE IT I GOT SCARED

Oh this is so epic

That moment when your cat nearly dies and then it runs off and you go after it and then a bunch of other cats show up and start running with it

I hope Twigpaw can see the others soon

Glad to see her keeping her medicine cat knowledge ehehehe

???????

Sandynose I hate you you are so abled

Sandynose: I don't want my son to feel distanced from his peers so I'm distancing him from his peers

DOVEWING???

SANDYNOSE SHUT UP IM GOING TO KILL YOU ANS MURDER YOU

I'm so upset with Sandynose WHY isn't leafstar seeing this WHY DOESNG ANYONE SEE THIS SOMSONE PLEASE CONFORT AND LOVE MY CHILD TWIGPAW DOESNT DESERVE THIS

Angry sad upset why

Piscina

Thanks graystripe

Ok who's dying this time

Ok no one just a background cat got hurt he will survive otherwise it would be relevant

This was intense though what will happen now???

YES FINALLY

Oh this is lovely so good they're here!!! The rest of skyclan has arrived and we are all happy together

That dream felt good

NEEDLETAIL??? AGAIN

Where were you at!!!!

What!!!

Check this man's feet how many toes are there this could be good

What

Hegshahwha what the fuck is up with this guy

Okay I like him

Ohhh THATS tree

Change your name if you don't like it you sound trans already

Yeah nothing makes one smarter like dying

This is very fun I'm excited for more of whatever happening

Twigpaw :c

HIS SNIFFLES

Oh no

Hhhhnn I want Twigpaw to be happy so bad, I hate seeing her struggles

Sandynose you are so evil and very detested by me

You can and you SHOULD feel angry at Sandynose he SUCKS and he is being needlessly mean at you!!!!! There are much better ways to bring up the possibility that maybe you'd be happier with thunderclan!!! Fuck off Sandynose

Oh so Snowbush hasn't improved, maybe he will die?

Poor Alderheart

Oh fuck there he goes

Yeah

Aw man, rip to the background cat

That was a heavy death too

Aw, I was hoping the rest of Skyclan would show up before the gathering, maybe just after it???

I wonder what's going on in Shadowclan

TIGERHEARTS MISSING HUH???

The couple was kidnapped

HUH????

Oh my lord oh fuck

Can't anyone step up to lead why do they depend on Tigerheart so much???

Jesus christ

Alderheart kills his gods

This is so chaotic and funny I'm worried as hell for shadowclan but excited a lot is happening

HI TREE AGSGAHAH

Tawnypelt >:(

Puddleshine: WAIT DONT KICK HIM OUT, CHECK OUT HIS FREAKY FEET INSTEAD

Oh dear

Twigpaw :c

TWIGPAW :CCCC Man rememebr when I said I hope Twigpaw doesn't crumble under the pressure of being happy for others? yeah

GET OUT SANDYNOSE I DONT CARE YOURE BEING REASOMABLE FOR ONCE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN LATER

:C

I'm so heartbroken for them

Uh pdhsgahab okay then

Bye finpaw

Wow that was easy for him

This is fun

I'm still sad as hell

Okay there's a lot going on right now wow

The owl scene was funny as hell to picture, this dramatic prophetic moment and the cats just "uuggh is that a prophecy??? Nooo"

Okay so

There's some shadowclan cats missing, considering the many sleekwhisker maps I'm sure she's up to no good but I have no clue what happened to the others and I hope they're okay

Wow! That was really something

Fantastic ending to a very good book its, definitely a different energy from the third but I'm really enjoying this I'm still excited as hell!!! I got worried things would get kinda bad from here but nope!!!! Very fun stuff for now this is very very good and I am enjoying it

This is definitely one of the most fun arcs I've read so far!!! The drama the stakes the little moments everything is tying together really well into a very fun story I'm enjoying a lot!

I worry for Twigpaw and hope for her happiness, and Violetshine too, hope her and Hawkwing deal well with missing her. Tree is being interesting. Alderheart wasn't much of a focus here but always fun to see him trying to solve the damn prophecy no leaders seem to care about. Mousewhisker was okay??? Lots of very fantastic turns for all events and uh let's see where this all goes next!!!

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

[crepuscularghost]

meh pointless rambling / venting

can we PLEASE skip summer this year I *really* don't want to experience smoke and fires and 105-115 degree heat again. i have lived around this weather for the last 14 years. im so over it. i just want out. california is literally sucking us dry and making it impossible to save more than $10 a month. im really worried that we'll be stuck in sacramento as it gets more expensive here and as our rent gradually increases by $100 a month. i wish i could be sane enough to hold down a job and not lose my shit so we could actually save up to move to the pnw. i need to start looking into disability asap but I'm honestly afraid they won't approve me b/c I don't have enough "proof" as they denied my mum when she was very clearly unable to work and she was fighting to get on disability for 4 years before she died. like i really don't have faith in anything lately. and im just losing more and more money by not being able to work or draw. so disability is literally my only option rn. i just don't even know where to start, the whole process is incredibly intimidating without any assistance or anybody to talk to about it. I've tried applying at the grocery store across the street, and to a few other places down the road, but to no avail. the one job I actually thought I *could* manage, at an art store, never called me back after applying 3 times in the span of 8 months. (they keep telling me to keep applying so I do but it feels rather pointless if I don't even get an email back saying they don't want me lol) - not that i feel i could really be stable enough to hold it down for more than a few months. the entire time i was at PFX i was facing depersonalization and disassociating even while on antipsychotics and would face random bouts of suicidal ideation. I only worked there for a month. i really don't know what to do. the one thing I used to rely on, drawing, to help me get by some months and save up for things I needed or moving-funds, I can't even do that anymore. I *loathe* drawing lately. it just breaks my heart and I go insane forcing myself to do something that literally hurts. i don't know what's wrong with me. why is the artist part of my brain so broken. people keep calling it burn out, but i don't know. i don't think it's just that. im really afraid that im no longer an artist anymore and that's a huge part of my identity and it's fucking with my perception of self. i feel like nobody. i am nothing. im just a whacked out furry art has-been. some people are just saying "just go crazy! just open the canvas and don't think about it!" but you see, i can't even *do* that. i make a line, im angry, im frustrated, i want to turn my computer off and never look at it again. i think to myself "why try, it'll be shit" every single time. the mental process of just doing Art for Art's sake and now Everything Has to be Aesthetic or else it won't get viewed literally broke me b/c social media has taught us that our art is literally worthless if nobody comments or retweets/blogs it. it has created this toxic mental think that you are also worthless as an artist if you can't get anybody to like your personal pieces. that sex sells and you have to sell your soul to it in order to get any level of attention online or irl. that, or you must find your special *niche* and stick to that only so you can find your underground fans.

i miss doing art for myself. purely, just for me. for me to vent, for me to escape, for me to explore. doing commissions was a mistake. having twitter was a mistake. i hate the current art world, so so much.

[tumblunni]

Okay have some random AF charon thoughts lol

* Randomly headcanon him as asexual and somewhat gender non-conforming. Like, i think he still identifies as male but i just tgought he'd probably be supportive of trans folk even tgough he's normally an asshole to people in general. And i think he'd definately be one for the 'men should be allowed to wear dresses and makeup' philosophy, and probably could go off on quite a long rant about how there's nothing scientific about gendered clothing, don't go bringing my phd into this dammit! Lol.... I dunno really why i headcanoned it exceot 'hey more representation of people like me" + also the motivational value of seeing older lgbt characters and trying to believe that you have a future beyond a life expectancy of 30. And also i guess it kinda makes sense cos rotom is a genderless pokemon, i mean he grew up with a best friend who defied those gender norms so i don't think they would stick to him, even if he was raised in a super traditionalist environment. Also like.. Lol.. I mean.. Part of wanting to write a redemption fic for a villain involves trying to flesh them out and give them some positive traits, yknow? Ehh i just feel awkward about this cos i dont have any sort of solid Proof that this charactet is LGBT, same as how there's no evidence for my nonbinary cyrus or transgirl mars headcanons. WHY DID I RUB MY QUEER LIL HANDS ALL OVER THESE CHARACTERS

* uhh completely randomly i recently wrote up some plans for an amv i wish i could do for charon if i knew how to animate. Like a full on feelsy thing to a sad song about how rotom misses him and how he's changed over the years and generally self indulgent fluff of this unconfirmed stupid backstory headcanon of mine. And its not very fun cos its just a wordswordswords description of stuff i cant draw. But uhh anyway i showed it to two of my friends and i dunno if anyone else wants to see?? Im a bit embarassed but like.. If people are actually interested i'll make more stuff like this with all the other amv ideas i have for other franchises. Who knows, maybe i can learn enough to someday make them!

* another thing i might post more of: The Gremp Test. This is a thing i've started doing to test the choice variety/sexism in videogame character creators. I ask the question "Is it easier to make Galactic Commander Charon from Pokemon Platinum (tm) than to make a non sexualized female character?" (Or someone who isn't stick thin, or a poc character, and etc) Its funny just how many games have enough choices to create wildly specific characters like this yet only lack the choices in certain areas. Hell, often if there's some sort of grandpa option there isn't an equivelant for grandmas! And in Champions Online the sliders go from wispy elf boy to literally the hulk, but those same sliders are disabled and women can only be hourglass shaped. Charon test exposes the cowardice of these developers! (And also gives us loads of funny pictures of charon. Win win!)

* i think if i go thru with that thing of turning my charon headcanons into an oc in an alternate fantasy setting i might go with calling him Nicodemus. Or Erebus? Something equally as fancy as being an obscure moon, lol. And i might just give him a huge poofy hairstyle if he can't have that complicated crescent shaped nonsense. I cant think of an equally weird hairso i'll go for the traditional einstein look. And maybe use that design i once drew of him with a bowler hat and bolo tie?

*also

*did i mention that

*i really like this character

*is once again reminded of how much i lovv the gramps*

Aaaa minor character appreciation why are u my curse….! Thank u loads to that blog cos srsly this is the most fanart he’s had in a year! Everyone’s probably sick of me whining about my faves tho lol

[makiruz]

#🐟#i rlly cant see it as anything but a moral panic. ive read panicked editorials panning the use of computers in art#if it causes mass layoffs while simultaneously making every movie look like shit (have you SEEN THAT FUCKING AI GENERATED MARVEL MOVIE OUTR#then thats capitalism treating artists like it always has#im also not disabled but seeing people go “why can't you just draw using a pencil in your mouth instead of STEALING!!!!!!!”#is arguably more ableist than saying “hey lol lets see what disabled people can make with an image scraper”#ai is going to be regulated through god knows how much legal discourse. But if the act of “scraping other peoples art with an computer” its#Lf becomes illegal? Say goodbye to popart and superflat. Adobe is already lobbying for stricter copyright#im mainly concerned abt the layoffs soon to arise from this but why be morally opposed to ai itself as a tool? It's not going away#we need stronger emphasis on unions and ending harsh layoffs of artists and crunch#idk whats going to happen#i jist dont want stricter copyright thats the death of art#not a vague abt any of my followers

the ai art discourse is so fucking stupid man (remembers like half my friends go to art school) (clamps a hand over my mouth)