#im also mentally struggling a lot so the added frustration of trying to work without pen pressure is lowkey killing me

[dangoulains-devotion]

wip

[nekomasmngr]

unwind

➳ synopsis: You wanted to be warm more than anything. After a rough day at work and the bitter weather that seemed to cloud your mood, you couldn’t wait to get home and shut yourself away from the world. But, as much as you yearned for warmth, that wasn’t the only thing you needed today.

➳ genre: slice of life, comfort to fluff, established relationship between you and Suga!

➳ warning: just in case, there are mentions of being overworked and exhaustion, fidgeting behavior, self-deprecating thoughts, signs of an upcoming breakdown, post timeskip!suga, patient and loving suga <3

➳ word count: 3.861k

➳ a/n: here’s my sfw secret santa gift for @bugmomwrites !! this was a joy to write and i think i have a thing for writing long one shots for suga and i’m really glad you enjoyed reading this! posting this on record cause im quite proud of it hehe (っ◔◡◔)っ

Warmth. 

That was all you had in mind. It was all you needed. 

Feet were being dragged as you trudged along the side of the road. Adjusting your form that was bundled up in layers to trap your own body heat. Yet, every step you took, every breath you released; warmth just kept escaping you. 

Your mind felt so muddy. You fidget and flex your fingers to try to keep them from freezing stiff from the brisk blow of the cold air, yet you had your attention recalling the events that occurred earlier in the day: the mistakes, the slip ups, and the lectures you got from your ever so judgemental inner critic. You’ve probably spent most of your energy making sure to get through the day as best as you can even if it meant feeling more overworked and exhausted than usual. 

Today wasn’t kind to you at all. You just wanted to warm yourself up with a nice bath, maybe order in some pizza and pig out on some ice cream, close the blinds on your windows and turn up a good sob story, maybe even cuddle up with your fluffy blankets and pillows—

A sharp buzz from your pocket pulled you out of your thoughts of relaxation, with a text from Sugawara that read: ‘Hey bubba! how was work? I’m almost at your place! can’t wait to see you!’

Oh no. 

It was date night with Suga. 

How could you forget?! 

Suga’s job at the elementary school demanded a lot of his time and attention. You, being the supporting girlfriend, didn’t want to be a distraction or an added burden to his job. So, you both agreed to focus on yourselves for the meantime. But, you both also decided to dedicate a night, once a week to see each other again— hence, date night.

Knowing the holidays were coming up, both of you had been assigned more tasks that usual, as the year comes to an end. Days were long and nights were lonely, weekends would be filled with other demands and unfinished deadlines. The time spent apart couldn’t be more evident that it was now and this night would be the first date you would have in weeks. You wouldn’t deny it— you missed Sugawara desperately. 

You started to think of what you both could do for date night. ‘Would he want to go out for dinner? Maybe see that new movie that was just released last week? Hm, or maybe we could catch up with some of his old friends, it is the holidays after all. Oh no, I have to change my clothes. Maybe put on a nice dress? But, it is colder at night, maybe some dress pants? Ew, that’s like going out with work friends.’ 

Your thoughts were running through every activity you could do and all the other things you needed to do to prepare for the date. An overwhelming burn rose inside of your chest, bubbling up with a mixture of excitement, panic, and nervousness. 

Another gust of wind blew through your face, biting your cheeks and nipping your nose. You were instantly reminded of the earlier weight you just had on your shoulders. The exhaustion you still felt made you think of how much energy you had already lost and how much you would have to use to get through tonight. It would take too much energy to entertain someone today, even if it was your boyfriend. 

You frowned for even thinking of cancelling date night. What kind of girlfriend would you be if you did? He might think you’d rather not spend time with him at all or worse, he might think you believe that both of you started to drift apart. 

You were slowly feeling more irritable at the different thoughts and little noises that just irked you more than they should. If you had to see Suga today, you definitely didn’t want to accidentally snap at him. Your head started to get dizzy as you kept thinking whilst fighting off your fatigue. 

Inside, you knew you missed Koushi so much. Just seeing him would probably make you feel better, with that smile of his that always brightened your day. However, you couldn’t ignore your aching muscles, the crick in your neck and the stress on your back. Your nerves were on fire and all you really wanted was for it to stop.

It seems as though your thoughts held your attention ever so fervently, because next thing you knew, you were standing right outside the door to your apartment. 

With a sigh, you squeezed your eyes shut and took a deep breath before jamming your key into the door. Stepping inside, you were greeted by a deafening silence. 

You had some coats and jackets strewn across your common area. The weather had been getting chillier lately and you had different articles of clothing available to you if ever you needed the extra warmth. A few knick knacks, memorabilia, and picture frames decorated the walls and shelves. The slight mess was homey to you. It made the place look alive and lived in, but right now it was an unearthly empty apartment. Something didn’t feel right. You didn’t know what it was, but the walls didn’t hold the warmth you yearned for. 

Frustrated at your dissatisfaction, you took a straight path to grab a glass of water that would hopefully clear your head. 

In the middle of your third glass of water, a knock at the door sounded. 

You flinched at the sound. Suga.

You mentally kicked yourself for getting distracted. You were so preoccupied with your own thoughts and feelings, you completely ghosted your own boyfriend. If only you had better focused and weren’t so bothered by every little thing that did bothered you; you would actually be a better employee or a better significant other— just someone better that deserves love. 

Dejectedly, you put down your glass and timidly inched towards the door. Opening it to meet soft doe eyes that looked at you in anticipation. Suga started out with a simple greeting and a bright smile that slightly put your aching heart at ease.

“Hey,” you replied, giving him a small smile in return. 

Entering your apartment, he started to get comfortable as you always allowed him to do so. Taking off his coat and putting down his bags, he turned to you to start the night’s activities. But you cut him off as soon as he opened his mouth. 

“I’m sorry,” your eyes casted down on the ground, both of your hands coming together to fidget with your fingers. 

“Oh, for what?” 

“I didn’t reply. I—,” with hesitation, you bit the inside of your cheek at how ridiculous you must have looked with your weak excuses, “I had a rough day and I’m just really…” Everything suddenly came rushing back to you: your thoughts of self-criticism, your slip ups at work, the cold that prickled your skin, the wasted time you spent on being preoccupied with your own thoughts, your tiredness and headaches—  all the things that seemed to drive you to your limit. 

You sounded silly with your struggle to form words without getting choked up by your exhaustion. You shut your eyes tightly to try to reset your mind and say what you wanted to say straight. 

Suddenly, gentle arms wrapped around you as you were pulled into a warm embrace. 

“Hey, hey. It’s alright.” A familiar hand rested on the back of your head and soon you rested your forehead onto your boyfriend. “It’s okay, there’s no rush, love.” 

Time seemed to stand still as you took in every bit of reassurance that spilled with his every word. Suga immediately saw your inner battle as he was attuned to most of your quirks and habits. He knew you just needed someone to hold you close. 

Unlike the present, most days, you would be filled with so much energy, just bouncing around, talking about the most random things. Bright smiles, heart-filled laughter, and matched chaotic energy exchanged between the two of you. 

You could easily ease up the most stressful days of work, where he’d come home tired from teaching the kids and administrative work for the school. But as soon as he saw you, all his exhaustion seemed to turn into more energy. You’d be so eager to listen to every word he would say about his day and he’d be just as happy to tell you all the cute little things the kids did— any sign of his own exhaustion had disspelled.

But of course, there are the days when you would be just as exhausted as he would be on those days, if not more with all the extra energy you spent trying to keep yourself together. Perhaps, today was one of those days. 

Tender lips pressed on the crown of your head. You felt soft movement against your skin as you heard your boyfriend’s kind words, “Is something wrong?”

You deeply sighed into his chest, your breath expelling heat that warmed the both of you. Shoulders and back muscles instantly relax into his strong arms. Your head slowly motions into a nod, but you don’t quite want to face him just yet. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” 

You bit your lip and buried your face further into Suga’s chest, shaking your head. 

He smiled at how adorable you had become and piped out a suggestion, “Hmm, how bout a nap first?”

You turned your head to look up at him, but your eyes shifted away as you saw his soft gaze. “But, date night…” you trailed off, not knowing how to say that you didn’t want to cancel on him. 

“It’s okay. You need to rest first, okay? We can talk later, but right now, take as much time as you need.”

Keeping an arm around you, he led you to your room and stopped at the side of your bed. Your own arms instinctively wrapped around your form to trap the leftover weight that lingered from the absent arms. 

“Do you need anything else?” Sugawara asked, fluffing up your pillows and opening the bedsheets up for you to slide right in. 

You took his hand and tugged him beside you; a signal for him to take a nap with you. 

As comfortable as you may have looked, with your head on his chest and your arms wrapped around his middle; your body didn’t fully relax just yet. You didn’t usually feel this shy when cuddling with Koushi. In fact, being vulnerable with each other was something you loved most about your relationship. But, there are still days when you would retreat into your own shell, when your mind kept up with your racing thoughts that only ever burned at your tired heart. 

Smooth thumbs ever so gently rubbed on your shoulder, pulling you out of the tension you were holding yourself hostage. Like a silent knock of permission, you were reminded of his overwhelming presence; the absolute love and lack of judgement that you would always be reassured of. No amount of shame, guilt, or sadness that you might feel would ever be hidden from Koushi. Just as he could never hide something from you. 

Trying to steady your beating heart from the rush of emotions that just went by you in such a short time. You slowly focused your mind on what's happening now, at that moment. 

With plush covers enveloping you, head resting on your loyal pillow and your favorite part— warm arms that led to careful hands. Suga dragged his palms slowly from your shoulder to your head. 

You felt gentle fingertips push against the middle of your brows, unaware that you had furrowed them in an attempt to make sense of your thoughts. 

“You can go to sleep, love.” Sugawara whispered, with a voice so soft and deep it was like a lullaby to your heart. With a last hum, you acknowledged his words and focused on the steady beat of Suga’s heart that hushed you to sleep.

Cold.

That was what you awoke to. 

Sitting up from your nest of blankets, you pouted at the absence of your boyfriend from your side. Stretching out your limbs from your position, you heard satisfying cracks from aching joints that have been stiffened for what felt like hours. Taking a glance at the clock on your nightstand, it had been a little over an hour since you were sent off to sleep in the sweet arms of home. 

Raising your nose into the air, you gave a whiff of something utterly delectable. Muffled sounds of padding feet and subtle rustling of metal, you suspected someone was in the kitchen area. With the thought of the mystery that was happening outside of your room, your stomach grumbled loudly as to add to the equation. 

As you entered your small common area, you were fixed on a familiar head of fluffy grey hair that seemed to float across the living space. Your boyfriend was carrying a couple of plates and glasses and arranged them on top of the placemats and utensils that rested on the low coffee table. All that was missing was the food.

Wondering if you had just imagined the earlier scent of delight, a couple of paper bags that were placed near the floor of the couch caught your eye. You perked up at the size of the bags and the likelihood of the great amounts of foods and snacks that could be inside. 

As if on cue, Sugawara greeted you with a shining smile that struck a good light into your soul. “Good morning, sleepy Bugs!” He walked towards you and gave you a sweet peck on the cheek. “How was your nap?”

“Um, it was good,” slightly suprised from the amount of affection you had just been given and from the sight before you, you remember feeling rejuvinated after that nap he suggested you take. “It was really good.” 

After having rested, you definitely felt better than you did the whole day. Suga definitely grounded you when you needed it the most and gestures like that never ceased to warm your heart at how he knew you so well. 

Fixiating your gaze on your boyfriend, you observed him unpacking your favorite foods from their packaging, placing them neatly on your dishware. 

“What’s all this?” You gestured to the set-up he had laid out on your coffee table. He gave a little shrug and looked up at you with a small smile, “I figured you would be hungry once you woke up, so I got us dinner.”

He was right once again. Your stomach cried at the sight of your favorite foods spread out infront of you.

“And since, it’s still date night. I thought we could just have a little self-care date just here.” he said as he motions to his little dinner party layout; both of you would be seated on the ground, with backs against the couch facing the television, fresh food on both your plates, a couple of bags of chips and soda on the side. It was comfy and casual, but seemed just perfect for the two of you. 

With a blanket on his lap, Suga looked up at you, head held high in anticipation of praise and a smile that lured you to sit by his side. 

“You sure you don’t want to go out?” you asked just to be sure. Your eyes locking on his, analyzing any hesitation or disappointment he might have over having to have to stay in on date night.

“Any moment spent with you is a date to me already.” He admitted with a grin. Your face scrunched at the sound of his affectionate line. You snorted until you both let out a laugh at how cheesy that sounded. “That was too cheesy, even for you.” You smiled at him. 

He whined at your tease, but quickly pushed your plates to yourselves eager to dig into your meals. 

As you ate, you conversed about what he had planned for the night, thinking of the time he must have spent devising this lovely impromptu evening. 

“We could watch a movie together,” he offered, “maybe do some skin care, what do you think of that?” 

“Skin care? You want to do that?” 

“Yeah! I want the full experience! I wanna get a fluffy headband to pull back my hair.” As if to show proof, he excitedly shook his head, making his fluffy grey hair bounce around. 

“I want to know about those uh, face washers?” he thought for a moment, turning away to take a peak at another paper bag that you didn’t notice before. “Or was it face masks? You know, to bring a little glow to the skin.” Suga said as he brought out some sheets of face masks that he must have bought when you were sleeping.

You almost awed at the sight of how enthusiastic and prepared he was. But, it was nothing unexpected of your boyfriend. Any spontaneous antics you would come up with, he’d support it either way, whether it was a surprise visit at each other’s work areas or a 2am drive to the nearest 24 hour fast food restaurant for a ridiculous craving; it was always something exciting with Koushi.

After a second to think, you answered honestly. “Yeah, we could do that. My skin’s feeling a little dry lately.” 

Immediately thinking of the other products you had that the two of you could use, but curious eyes pulled you from your thoughts as Sugawara studied your face, “Oh yeah, it does.” He leaned back and nodded, “You might need the whole treatment more than me, Bugs.” Taking a bite of food, he put on a classic innocent smile, but that could never fool you. 

How cheeky he had become all of a sudden. You groaned at his little act of mockery and gave him a sharp shove on the shoulder. 

The little joker lurched forward, spilling his food back on his plate, “Oi! I could’ve choked on my food!” he exclaimed.

“Oh, do you need some prune juice to water it down, old man? ” you retorted back at him. 

The night continued on with your customary jokes and teasing. As Sugawara planned, after your dinner, you were both seated on the couch, swaddled in your comfiest clothes and blankets. Headbands clearing any stray hair away from each other’s line of sight, as fresh face masks adorned your gleeful faces. 

It was refreshing to not have to worry about what happens next and how much energy you had to spend to act as though you were enjoying. It all just came so natural with Suga. You didn’t have to keep up a facade, like a professional one at work, thinking over each task and mistake you inevitably made and repenting for it. 

Tonight was just about the two of you. Addressing each other’s needs and soaking in each other’s genuine presence. It was a slow day, nothing extraordinary, but it satisfied you both to know the security you felt in each other. Feeling as though you were both constant in each other’s lives, especially in this age of uncertainty. 

As the night came to a close, you both retreated to your earlier position. Limbs entangled with one another, the comforting beating of each other’s hearts slowly tuning in sync. You both haven’t quite fallen asleep yet, having felt the air fill up with unsaid thoughts and yet, none were uttered as a blanket of silence covered the entire room. 

You didn’t know how long you both just laid there, but you remembered feeling the dancing fingers that were playing with your hair, halting its movements. Followed by a light poke on your cheek which brought you out of your own trance.

“Hey,” Koushi chimed in, “we forgot to do one last thing.” You hummed as you turned your head expectantly at him. 

“But we don’t have to do it, if you don’t wanna talk about it okay?” You nodded in agreement, paitently waiting for his next words.

“We haven’t talked about your day yet. How was it?”

Ah, you knew this was coming. Sugawara would never let you go to sleep without acknowledging both the good and the bad things of the day. Having spent a good 4 hours on your date night, ignoring the bad and recharging your emotional battery, it seemed like a good time to bring up what bothered you. 

In a way, this was something you were grateful for. Recounting the events of the day felt easier to talk about  now rather than how you would have expressed them earlier that evening. Allowing yourself to understand the bad things in life validated those rush of emotions you felt which didn’t seem as muddy as it was before. Which is why you would always be grateful for Sugawara for being who he was. Knowing that he knows how you work made you feel special, made you feel seen by someone who was a witness to all of the different parts of you. 

As you end your cathartic narrative, you gave your boyfriend the softest of smiles that hopefully showed how thankful you were for being able to have a safe space for your emotions.

He mimicked your look and added, “I know it’s sometimes hard to admit these kinds of things.” His smooth palms took your hand that was on his chest in the softest of grips, bringing them to his lips for a kiss. 

“But, you can always talk to me about them, alright?” 

It was in the way his eyes glowed along with the moonlight that spilled in from the window, hinted at something deeper than just ‘these kinds of things’. Trust seeped out from his gaze and into yours as you understood his real message that Sugawara meant. That he was here for anything; anything you wanted to say, anything you wanted to do, and anything you felt like—

He was here for you. 

Sugawara wrapped both of his arms around your frame for a firm embrace and poured every reassuring emotion into his hug. Making it known to you that you can always count on him to be there for you. 

Basking in each other’s arms, you savored in the overwhelming soothing warmth that you both shared. A knowing inkling chimed at the back of your head bringing to light the earlier encounter with the unknown missing presence after having entered your empty apartment.

Warmth was missing.

More importantly, Suga’s warmth. 

This was all you needed to unwind from the worldly chaos that you go through everyday. It is in his arms where you feel the safest and it’s a place you wouldn’t want to leave anytime soon. 

His actions today showed you how attentive and dedicated he was to you. Pure love and care was all that you felt while being with him today and you believed in him to be there, with just as much love and care (if not more), in the days to come.

[inkdemonapologist]

Okay but I do actually want to know both the things you love and the things you could rant about from DCTL?

OH BOY UHHHHHH okay lets see, I'm gonna see if I can do the "add a readmore after you post it" thing and see if that'll keep it stable.......

But also, much like Sammy, I am incapable of shutting up unless you strike me in the head with a blunt object, so uh, forgive my wordiness:

THINGS I ENJOY:

- DCTL gave us Sammy's ink addiction and like, if you had asked me before all this "what would you most like to see in a franchise?" I would not have answered "one of the characters drinks ink accidentally and then discovers that he can't stop" but boy that sure is my favourite concept that I LOVE to see handled literally any other way than how the book handled it!!!

- I like what it added to Tom and Allison and Norman!! Like, it's not big twists on their characters or anything -- we already knew Tom felt he was doing the wrong thing, so getting to see his CRUSHING GUILT over creating the machine isn't New Information, but it's nice to see and understand more of him; for all of them I feel a lot more attached to them after getting to see more of them as people.

- Like 90% of the "I LOVE IT" category for me is how the book handled Joey, and Buddy's relationship with Joey. The way Joey isn't a Sinister Mastermind Who’s Just Screwing With Everyone but just manipulative in a more mundane way -- someone who thinks of himself as just the guy with the vision to call the shots; he wants what he wants and this is how he's learned to get it; he exploits people not through devious schemes, but just by offering them something that they want or need and asking too much in return, expecting their loyalty for his favours. And the way he interacts with Buddy, making Buddy complicit with him and keeping Buddy off-balance and insecure while making him a favourite and treating him as Special is just PERFECT --  gives a lot of content to kind of extrapolate off of when pondering what must've drawn the others in and convinced them to ignore the red flags. I was initially frustrated with the idea of Buddy not being an artist and jUST DECIDING TO LEARN TO ANIMATE ON THE SPOT ("I've never done this before but I'm sure I can just do an artist's job" is a weirdly common throwaway thing in media and as an artist iTS A PET PEEVE) but actually the way they use his plagiarism to make him trapped in a lie in ways Joey doesn't even realise ends up being a neat echo of other employees (coughTOMcough), who were involved in much graver sins but suddenly felt they couldn't object or they'd lose their one chance, just like Buddy. There's a lot here that I think is really great.

OKAY THATS THE GOOD STUFF, LET'S COMPLAIN ABOUT SAMMY:

- Uncomfortable Bigotry Vagueness that we all knew was gonna be in this list -- I dunno man, a guy committing a microaggression and getting startled and defensive when he's called out for it doesn't necessarily completely ruin his character I GUESS, but the way this was handled is just SO WEIRD AND VAGUE that it's uncomfortable and it doesn't seem to serve any real purpose. "Is Tom black?" is a question I actually have to ask because the text sort of implies he is while also dancing around it and apparently Word of God said he's not??? which makes Buddy's comment nonsensical???? And I mean, you could go that route, since Buddy wonders to himself if Sammy talks to everyone like this -- HE ACTUALLY DOES!! Even within the text of the novel, he uses "Joey" instead of Mr. Drew, which is consistent with his audiologs in the game -- but that makes the writing suggest "this character THINKS this guy might be racist but actually they're reading too much into it and it wasn't racially motivated at all, he's just a jerk!!" wHICH IS SOMEHOW EVEN MORE ICKY??? Anyway like yeah I guess it's not inconsistent with his character that while Sammy Lawrence may not have any specific grudge against minorities he has probably not checked his privilege or done the work to challenge his own internal biases, but “Your Fav Probably Contributes To Systemic Racism In Ways He Hasn’t Considered, As Do We All When Our Assumptions Go Unchecked” is still a wild thing to wade through in a fun story about demonic cartoons

- but yknow so is T H E   H O L O C A U S T

- Sammy's voice is wrong. I'm actually okay with him being a weird awkward asshole, I already kind of assumed he was and that's part of why I like him!! but there's so many places he doesn't quite... talk like himself? And not just in terms of word choice, like -- so in his monologue at the end, he's described as talking so quickly that his words are "tumbling out faster than he can speak them," which initially seems fine; like yeah, that's a Standard Scene we're familiar with, the person who's been Driven Mad With Insight becoming more and more manic as they try to convey it -- until I tried to imagine it and realised that Sammy doesn't talk like this. That's a really consistent quality I always notice about his voice; whether he's almost giddily excited in prophet mode, or he’s his irritated and overworked human self, or he's violently angry and his voice has that echo effect -- he always speaks very deliberately. He enunciates carefully. There's some circumstances where I'd buy this as showing that he's Not Himself, but I feel like those would kind of need to be in the middle of his transformation, not at the end of it.

- In fact a lot of the scenes with Sammy kind of have this feeling -- that it's not necessarily an exploration of Sammy as a character, but that he is filling a trope or archetype role here. Once he's fully transformed he excitedly describes the process as more of a mental compulsion, which is in contrast to his weird yeerk-infected behaviour when trying to get ink from Miss Lambert. Both of those scenes don't seem wrong on their own because they fit tropes we know -- but they feel weird when you try to fit them together.

- I also just in general am not a fan of the ink acting like a weird yeerk. It can be a parasite I guess but when it starts overwriting and puppeting people and crawling around to enter their body that's just a completely DIFFERENT kind of supernatural story and it’s not what im here for!!!

- THE FREAKIN!!! HE WILL SET US FREE!!!! WHY????????? SAMUEL LAWRENCE WHAT IS HE SETTING YOU FREE FROM??????? Sammy has No Motive for any of what he's doing, other than just Ink Made Me Do It. The whole thing that was INTERESTING about Sammy as a character is the contrast between this frustrated, ornery musician with no specific love for the cartoons he works on, and the manically devoted cultist he becomes. What happened in the middle there? What made him desperate enough to shift his mindset so much? "Something supernatural made him do things that don't benefit him in any way" is a very boring answer to this question!!! Susie was a victim who implies that her transformation has forced her to do things she didn't want to do, but we can still see her motive -- she wanted to be Alice, so she took a sketchy offer to try to get what she wanted. Even now, her violence echoes that goal -- to be a more perfect Alice. What did Sammy want? WHO KNOWS. Even in his ink-addled state at the end, we don't understand what he hopes the Ink Demon will even do for him, and in fact he seems to be responsible for creating the very scenario he's begging Bendy to reverse in the game.

- [sighs loudly into my hands]

- Overall I'm left wondering if the author just..... didn't like Sammy Lawrence? And I don't mean that in the sense of him being a rude jerk -- like, Joey is not a good person, but the author seems to be interested in him and in what makes him tick. There doesn't seem to be that same interest in Sammy. Sammy's role in the story is that of a monster, transformed into something murderous, unable to prevent or choose it. He's not a victim of anyone but the ink, no one had to manipulate him or figure out how his brain worked or what he wanted or what he feared or give him any reason to do the things he does -- ink got in his mouth and overwrote his personality. And we don't even get to see that change, not really. He starts out angry and defensive and continues being angry and defensive up until his very last scene, denying his ink-stealing but not really much else. We see all his prophetic sketches but we never see hints of this in him, we never see him start to act more excited and hopeful, we never see him seek out the demon he desires to please. Why do we never see Sammy struggling between his dismissive angry front and a building religious fervour he can't quite suppress? We don't get to see any of the in-between. There's no interest at all in why or even what it looked like as Sammy became what he became, when, to be honest, I suspect interest in precisely that is one reason he's such a big fav.

- It's funny, in a "cries into my hands" kind of way, when Sammy is just knocked in the head while monologuing and immediately removed from the story without further mention, like...... that sure is the pattern with him, isn't it, he just tries very very hard and never actually gets to matter, but it also fits right in here, too, in this book that doesn't want to think about his motives -- he rambles nonsensically, explaining nothing, gets one trademark phrase, and then is hastily removed so the story doesn't have to think about him anymore.

...................I think that's most of it.

...

Y'all............ I'm not ready for Sent From Above.......... I'm just not.... I'm not emotionally ready...... like..... Sammy has to be in that right..... he’s Susie’s boss and she has that big crush on him..................................... I’m not ready

[crows-murder]

ADHD Mac

oh yeah im doing this

there are two things im 100% about Angus MacGyver

1 he is a bi disaster

and 2 he has ADHD

before elementary school, no one really thought anything was out of the ordinary with Mac. his parents thought his hyperactivity and inability to focus well was normal for a toddler.

even if they got suspicious, Ellen got sick and she became a priority, not Mac’s odd behavior.

after Ellen MacGyver’s death, James couldn’t even look at his son, seeing his late wife in his blue eyes and blond hair, much less worry about his son’s attention problem that were increasingly frustrating the teachers.

Mac’s teachers in first grade aren’t too hard on him and his wandering attention and inability to sit still for too long since his mother had died recently.

they blame it on the trauma of losing a mother and dismiss it, though get more frustrated with Mac.

as early as second grade, Mac shows signs of having an exceptionally sharp mind, but his teachers are frustrated with him because he can’t seem to concentrate in class and struggles with his homework. Mac gets exceptional grades despite that.

his grades are so good the administration bumps him up two grades.

Mac starts fifth grade at 8, but it doesn’t get easier for him, or less frustrating.

he has occasional emotional outbursts, he’s always fidgeting, leaves a lot of tasks unfinished and has problems focusing. the other students find him weird on top of him having skipped two grades and he has no friends other than Bozer.

Mac works on his homework for hours, trying desperately to focus long enough to finish it, missing obvious details and getting reprimanded by the teachers.

his father becomes more secluded so Mac can’t ask him for help, and instead tries to force himself to study until his head hurts and the words swim around the paper like unintelligible squiggles.

Mac’s teachers complain about his poor organisation skills, unable to understand that this “mess” is Mac’s own version of organized.

Mac feels like no adult believes him when he says he can’t focus in class, that he couldn’t finish the homework, so he stops trying to convince them and instead takes it in.

he’s in sixth grade when his dad leaves for good, and it makes Mac’s already low self-esteem worse and wonders guiltily if James left because Mac struggled with simple tasks.

and so he works even harder, makes more efforts, tries harder.

it’s a real struggle that drives Mac’s frustration to tears many times, but it never feels like it’s enough. he still struggles working in group projects, he procrastinates, he loses track of time.

sometimes he can’t even physically bring himself to do his homework and ends up rushing it in the morning.

and of course, sometimes he gets lost in a personal project for hours on end without even realizing it.

Mac was always fidgeting, and started twisting up paperclips to keep his hands occupied and found that it helped focus his mind on the task ahead.

people thought he was distracted, but twisting paperclips meant that he was actually focusing much more easily.

as Mac grew older, he still couldn’t take criticism well. only Bozer really knew this, and even light criticism could make  his low self-esteem plummet.

this paired with Mac being often bored and under-stimulated (mainly in school) made Mac’s school experience difficult.

he graduates at 16 and goes straight to MIT where things slightly get better, feeling like some of the stress of grade school finally leaving him and giving him more room to breathe.

when his grandfather's call came, Mac was 18 and finally felt like things were going right.

he went to join the Army, hoping his history of lack of focus won’t hinder him much.

in Afghanistan, Mac is (usually) able to put all his focus on the IED and forget the world around.

the other soldiers think he’s just a really good EOD tech who can ignore the gunfire surprisingly well, but it’s actually because oh his hyper-focused brain.

when he and Jack are discharged and hired by DXS, Mac starts to suffer from secondary depression.

he finally goes to see a doctor who gives him his diagnosis and prescribes him antidepressants and suggests he sees a mental health professional.

Mac does and he gets diagnosed with ADHD and his prescribed ADHD medication and his doctor even suggests seeing a therapist.

despite Mac's hatred for pills, he still takes his antidepressants, but refuses to take the ADHD meds, refusing to be dependent on pills for the rest of his life.

he manages to keep it a secret from everyone, even Bozer.

but Mac decides a therapist would be helpful, and so he schedules a meeting.

and then he keeps going, every week.

therapy helps.

a lot.

though he felt like he was back to square one, like in school, feeling under-performing, but only this time with mild depression.

his therapist explains that the depression was caused by his brain being constantly under-stimulated, and of course war didn’t help.

over the months, Mac slowly gets better and feels like he’s finally moving forward, and talking to someone about a mental issue he never knew he had really helped him.

he feels guilty not telling anyone, but he isn’t ready to tell them yet.

months later, Mac decides to tell Bozer and sits him down and explains to his best friend how he was recently diagnosed with ADHD (Bozer told him it explained a lot) and mild depression because of it

Bozer understood and respected Mac’s wish to keep it under wraps and tells him that if Mac needed anything, he could always (always) come to Bozer. Mac felt even more grateful for his best friend (I love their friendship oh wow--)

no one but Bozer knew for a long time.

it wasn’t even added to his file, so not even Patti (later Matty) or Oversight (screw him anyways) knew.

after fifteen months on antidepressants Mac’s therapist decides he could come off the medication.

the withdrawal is… rough

but Mac refused to take any days off (despite what his doctor said), lest he roused suspicion.

Mac just powered through the intense stomach cramps, sweating, shivering and nausea as best as he could.

Jack was suspicious, but Mac assured him it was just a stomach bug, and Jack let it be since he could see no physical wounds that could cause this.

Mac’s withdrawal lasted a little over three weeks, and Bozer was trying to be there for his best friend as best as he could.

Mac would sleep in fits, threw up every other night and couldn’t stand eating or even looking at anything salty or sweet

when Mac started to get better, looking and feeling more healthy, Bozer took him out to one of the best restaurants in LA as a way to celebrate and made Mac pancakes for breakfast all week.

Mac told him it was entirely unnecessary, but Bozer cut him off by telling him that if someone could beat depression, it was worth celebrating.

it effectively shut Mac up and made him wonder for the thousandth time how he was lucky enough to meet someone like Bozer.

for the whole week, Mac is in a much happier and brighter mood than he’d been in in a long time.

it took everyone by surprise and caused Jack to ask if he was okay. Mac had just smiled and said that he’d never been better.

Bozer was just glad to see Mac act the way he used to when they were still in grade school. he missed this version of Mac.

Matty being Matty found out bout Mac’s therapy sessions and his antidepressant prescription and ADHD diagnosis and asks him about it (more worried about his well-being than his performance in the field)

Mac apologizes for keeping it a secret but told her that he’d gotten off the antidepressants months ago (to Matty’s relief) and that the ADHD was nothing to worry about.

Mac knows that he won’t be able to keep his therapy sessions and ADHD a secret from everyone forever, but still doesn’t feel ready to tell anyone.

Mac told them one by one, all at different times

he told Jack first, who was concerned for his partner but couldn’t bring himself to be mad at Mac for keeping it to himself.

telling Riley and Cage took a while, but he finally got it out, and felt relieved that he didn’t have to keep it a secret anymore.

after season 3, when Mac gets reinstated, his first order of business is to schedule an appointment with a therapist (Nigerian villages, as it turned out, don’t have therapy clinics)

James MacGyver tries to be the dad he hasn’t been to Mac since he was five, but missed a lot and doesn’t believe his son’s claim to have ADHD.

it destabilizes Mac’s firm belief in the diagnosis and sends him spiraling

Matty is not happy.

you do not want Matty to not be happy with you

whether or not you’re her boss.

she and James have a heated discussion when James says he wants to remove Mac’s ADHD from his personal file.

let’s just say Mac’s mental health is something no one talks about unless they want to really go at it with James.

and Mac tells them to drop it. he doesn’t have to listen to his father’s opinions (as he is an adult himself) and doesn’t want anyone fired on his behalf.

idk if it’s just me really liking the idea of Mac seeing a therapist (boy needs it)

or just thinking that it would explain a lot about Mac (his habit of playing with paperclips, his hyper-focus, etc...)

but i like the idea of ADHD Mac.

also it would make a lot of sense idk