#im allowing myself to be absolutely delusioned this once just for him

[hyunrun]

I'm actually lowkey in love with park gunwook actually I want him

[lotsofdogs]

Things I’m Loving Friday #259

Hi friends! How are you guys!? I hope all my American readers out there had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

I cannot believe this is the first time I’m checking in all week. I definitely didn’t intend to step away from blogging for a full week but I didn’t want to isolate myself on my laptop or look through my phone when I was surrounded by family so an unintended break ended up happening. I missed you guys but the break was good for me! It allowed me to feel fully present as a mom, daughter, sister and mother and I didn’t realize how much I needed to disconnect.

Since I missed blogging all week, today’s Things I’m Loving Friday post serves almost more as a catch up recap with a few favorites thrown in the mix. It’s a little different than usual, but hopefully it works!

Thanks for checking in today and I really hope these past few days were filled with friends, family, love, gratitude and good food for all of you. Also, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I hope that you all know just how grateful I am for each and every one of you. I am under no delusion that my blog would be anything without your support, your readership, your participation and your kindness. I’m grateful for our friendship because that’s truly what I feel from you when I read your comments, emails and messages. You’ve lifted me up when I’ve been down and cheered me on through some of the best moments of my life and that’s not lost on me for one second.

I am so thankful for YOU.

Things I’m Loving Friday

First Solo Flight with Chase and Ryder

First, I need to preface this  bulletpoint by saying that travel with kids is far from stress-free! Going into my first solo flight with Chase and Ryder, I kept my expectations LOW. I wasn’t sure how the experience would unfold but ended up feeling grateful we made it to Florida without too many hiccups.

The best part of our travel south was the fact that Chase was in HEAVEN all morning. He’s airplane-obsessed at the moment so everything from going through security and handing the TSA agent his very own ticket (and earning a sticker!) to the pilot of our flight inviting him into the cockpit absolutely made his day. He had a window seat on the plane’s wing which blew his mind and I don’t think I’ve ever heard him ask more questions in my life. (We talked a lot about “inside voices” on this flight. Ha!)

Ryder fought his morning nap all through the airport but once I swaddled him up in my arms and nursed him on the flight, he slept most of the time which was a huge blessing. (The fact that the flight was only an hour long was another blessing.)

I am crossing my fingers for a smooth flight home tomorrow as well!

Callie Snuggles and Cousin Time

I’ve been living for the picture and video updates of Callie I receive all day every day from my sister and mother but nothing can even come close to seeing my sweet niece in person. Callie napped in my arms for a solid 40 minutes the first time I held her and I found myself studying her beautiful face and holding onto her teeny little legs and soaking up every bit of her sweetness. Our whole family is so glad she’s home and so, so grateful.

Chase was also really excited to finally meet his baby cousin and he’s been very into her and wants to help with everything. He wants Callie to join us for story time and thinks it’s awesome that they both have blue eyes, just like his t-rex toy.

And don’t even get me started on seeing Callie and Ryder together.

They are two babies we wanted so badly and prayed so hard for and watching them kick and coo next to each other — there is just nothing better. And I’m waiting for my sister to tell me to stop buying them his-and-her baby outfits because I just cannot resist. I mean just look at our little Christmas elves…

LOVE.

P.S. Just in case any of you are in the market for silky-soft baby onesies, my sister and I love the organic bamboo ones by Kyte! I gave Leslie one for Callie after she was born and then just ordered the red and green footies for our babies and the fabric is so soft and snuggly.

Family Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving this year was a good one! We spent all day at my parents’ place and dug into tons of good food — turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, sweet potato casserole and all the usual favorites — and had fun with our crew.

I think everyone went back for seconds and we all ended up feeling overly stuffed which seems to be a Thanksgiving tradition over here. My sister actually snapped the below picture of me and the boys (Chase is playing with cars behind Ryan’s chair) and it made me laugh when I saw it because it was about 30 minutes after our feast and Ryan and I were “digesting” on the floor. Ooph!

And today we feast on the leftovers!

Nike Training Club

I wasn’t feeling overly creative on the workout front this week and while I’ve taken more than a few days off from any exercise, I did manage to sneak in a couple of short workouts thanks to the Nike Training Club app on my phone. I mentioned this app on the blog years ago, but it’s still a favorite of mine for quick, effective workouts when I don’t feel like making up my own. The app is free and it’s a great one to keep on hand especially when you’re traveling or don’t want to put any time into coming up with your own workout.

Black Friday Sales

For those who may be getting a jump start on holiday shopping and taking advantage of Black Friday sales, here’s a little roundup of some of the deals that jumped out at me:

Madewell: 25% off with code DEALWITHIT (Includes their flattering high-rise denim!)

Old Navy: 50% off everything (Love this long-sleeve dress — would be so cute with ankle booties, this sweater-knit hoodie and this slouchy turtleneck and they have the cutest baby clothes and Christmas pajamas)

American Eagle: 40% off + Free shipping with code (Includes my fav Cloudspun Sweater

Gap: 50% off everything with code BLKFRIDAY (Their pajama joggers are a personal fav!)

J.Crew: 40% off with code TOGETHER (Lusting after this parka in olive)

Minted: 20% off holiday cards, gifts and home decor orders $150+ and 15% off everything with code BF2018

Nordstrom: Up to 60% off (Includes this beautiful crossbody, this initial pendant necklace and the Dock-a-Tot in a few patterns)

Amazon: Assorted deals on tons of items from kitchenware and electronics to clothing and more

Nike: Extra 25% off select items with code THANKS

Question of the Day

What is one thing you are feeling particularly grateful for today? 

[Read More ...] https://www.pbfingers.com/things-im-loving-friday-259/

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this mentally ill person causes an extreme amount of chaos in my life which is completely not needed because although i lack certain things - i could probably get by without them. like im going to be sad and whatever but im not going to die and ill find a way to live. 

but their illness absolutely causes many of my issues to be triggered which does not in anyway allow me clarity in the moment because i am still working on my issues. and heres what i can give to myself: i never ran away. ive been knocked down and shit on and dragged through the mud and as much as ive even wanted to - ive never run away and i never gave up. this is my strength. this is the resilience. 

i have alot of complex feelings about this and i want to not entangle all of them into this giant lump of grief and sadness but to address each part of it and work through each part on its own to complete the big picture. and i feel im doing this in my own life like ive gone from complete mental break downs to just being really sad. my immediate thought is not ‘i want to fucking die’. like maybe i feel this way and its one of the thoughts but its not the first one. its not the overwhelming one anymore. and i cant even express how this has made things better for me. i am able to cope so much moe when im not in an anxiety attack like death could truly be imminent just by my own hands. 

like heres an overwhelming fact: no one will ever give a fuck. no one will ever really want to help. 

one day im sure ill be romantically surprised by the prince charming that changes everything for me but until that day comes - ive spent a decade involved in other peoples lives because i have no life of my own. i have no family, no traditions, no holidays. no one can join me for a thing - i join them. 

and heres another overwhelming fact: this is not remotely fair. i was dealt a really shitty hand and its not fair but nothing changes this. nothing changes that its not fair. i will not get my parents back. i will not have a family i grew up with. its not fair. this is just a fact, not whining - it’s not fair that this happened. and of course “life is not fair” but its truly not fair to have your parents die at an early age. its not fair to have a child die young. theres many not fairs. its just .. not fair. 

what do i do with this information? this is like .. a real turning point to make. 

i guess to start, how do i feel? and i feel... sad. and frustrated. and lke.. i wish the world was a better place. im angry that like.. people really take for granted what they were just handed and i dont know how to stop being super bitter about it. im not even pissed i didnt live a glamorous life but the older i get the more i realize that my parents were completely and totally unfit parents to their core. and like this is so hard to admit because i loved my father soo much and this person did so much for me and my ungrateful mother but he did so little as well. 

and i repeat this cycle. i was given such little attention as a child that i am absolutely grateful for something i should have gotten purely out of love. like why do i walk around with “i never asked for this” tattooed on me? since i was a small child i just felt like - wow i never asked to be here you know. like im not TRYING to be here. i was just popped out of the womb and now im like this giant burden to your life and like my mother didnt care at all and she held sooo much resentment towards me. and this is what i knew. this is all i have ever known in my whole life. mentally ill people who are completely incapable of caring for anoter human being making me an intregal part of their lives. 

and what really has confounded me for years is whether or not i am mentally ill. like is everyone around me crazy or am i the crazy one? and its like -- no one knows the isolation ive had except me. and they take this as like being lazy or unsociable but ive been terrified to go out and interact with people because am i the crazy one or are they? 

but as i get older i realize i honestly may not be the mentally ill person. how could one ever tell this when ive been under duress since i was 3? its not that i am mentally ill its that im reacting to my surroundings like any normal human being. i am not psychotic or paranoid, i dont have delusions or an ego. im actually, i believe, a pretty fine and sane person who appears mentally ill under these scenarios. i thought i had a mood disorder - no, i just live an extremely stressful life. and have for like two decades. of COuRSE i feel different things quickly and without regard. of COURSE. thats a REACTION to the scenario, usually of which is completely abnormal. 

and there is not a single person in my life to pat my back and be like hey, its okay to feel this way you know. its okay that youre angry. its okay that youre sad. ive begun developing the voice in my head that will be this person. i realized its the only way i will be able to survive. when ram dass said you are not your depression, i realized i am not any of my emotions. i am just feeling these things. and there is a reason why i am feeling them. im not just waking up rying to feel this way. thre is a root problem.

but when you are surrounded by mentally ill people, they suck you into their illness and you react to this. so not only do i have my own issues im dealing with seperately on my own but now i have these issues coming up begging to trigger certain emotions and thoughts in me which really are not issues im capable of dealing with because IM not  a therapist or a trained professional and i can barely navigate my own life right now. but i work especially hard not to have this fall on other people. i understand that i was handed this deck. no one else was handed it. this is for me to do what im going to do with it. so i blame no one for me not having parents. it is no ones responsibility to fill their roles. or even be a family member to me. 

for example; hearing constantly about how this political system doesnt work or poor people are disadvantaged or the city is corrupt etc. -- all facts im well aware of which linger in my mind on a daily basis which i have to fight with everything i have to get out of bed and keep doing something. but now i have it being reiterated to me as well on a regular basis and my desire to do anything has dwindled to nothing. 

i have become trapped in this non relationship because it was easy for him to get what he wanted by giving me just a bit of what i wanted. he has been very very very selfish from the beginning because he knows he will not be monogamous or fulfill my emotional needs but continues to maintain this non relationship. he believes i am responsible because he “told me this” and i continued to be involved with a mentally ill person who spent all of his time with me, usually by his own choice because again, it was “easy for him”. he reiterated ENOUGH times that he believes i need to be cared for and that he has done everything he is currently possibly able to do within his own means to care for me. 

but its kind of like .. this stray dog. like you know this dog needs care despite its survival on its own and you feed it every once in awhile maybe give it a bath, hang out with it for awhile but you never give the dog what it needs. 

and also, you’re treating me like a dog. as if i have no emotional brain to feel what it’s like for someone to treat me like this. as if i dont know that you have a home. and you have all the things you need. and youre just feeding me scraps because you feel bad. 

ive lost respect for him because hes running. its not even a jealousy issue becuse i know if i went away for three months and returned, all of my problems would still be there. my parents dont come back in thre months. he never tried to improve his situation and instead ran away from it and ive just lost alot of respect for him for doing that. 

and if i cant respect him i dont know if i can even be his friend. 

and he has not shown appropriate respect for my own issues either so what i am feeling right now is just an overall lack of respect for this person. like i still love them but i feel like i cant hold my own head high or like sleep at night knowing i dont respect this person but im still supporting them. its like nikki sixx. i dont respect him anymore and i probably will never support his projects again. but i had such a deep love and adoration and like i still have that first love kind of feeling like this person really influenced my life and i owe their character alot for my character but omg do i not respect him at all. could i never look at nikki sixx again?

no. 

and thats the confliction. like it does not matter what he does at all. it matters what i do and what i decide upon this and how important he is to my life. i lost all respect for my ex when he cheated and lied. u know its the lieing. its not even the cheating. im not even mad about the cheating, its the lies for months on end. like what a mar on your character. thats who you are now. youre a person who lied. do i still look at him?

yes. do i still talk to him? no. did i talk to him? yes. because being so young i didnt know how i would feel in this scenario like this was anther nikki sixx. five years out of the gate - i would not watch video games to this day if i didnt have this relationship and this is like the most comforting thing in all of my life. like even beyond weed, the most comforting thing is just some guy playing video games. and thats only from my ex. i wouldve never developed this comfort in watching games had i not ha this experience. now thats apart of who i am. and i think about him atleast 10 - 20 times a month. easily. i think about the time we spent together, i think about how much i loved him, how much i loved his guitar playing -  i felt really lucky at the time and that this would be the man i would marry and spend the rest of my life with. i wanted to do this. 

and i talked to him because i wanted this sooooo bad i hoped that he could say or do something that would regain my respect and nothing he did or said made it any better. i never regained respect for him. and its because the action was already done. i dont think i could forgive an abuser, you know? like i dont think i could get punched in the fucking face and be like oh it was just one time they changed. they did not change at all they just learned to not do that again because the consequences are dire. the action is already done. you were a working brain of a person before you cocked your fist and then you completed the action and NOW you’re sorry? NOW you learned? 

i think he is not a person right now you can currently admire or respect. and like nikki sixx, he gave me alot. like alot of negative experiences whch couldve been much worse that allowed me the opportunity to learn about myself. life is not fair and life couldve been some fucking piece of shit jamming a dick down my throat. and like for the position im in thats actually alot more likely to happen to someone like me so its lucky that i encountered some mentally ill jerk off living with his mother. 

to be fair, i guess hes right - he hasnt BEEN someone to respect or admire. he has sat on his high horse while crying and then running away. and i cannot at any point n the future see myself saying “wow good job you abandoned all your responsibilities to work on yourself.” because again - you abandoned them; they werent taken from you. you took for granted what youve been given and then took advantage of your priviledge to “take a break from it” and that’s just not respectable in the least bit. no matter if you come out of this as jesus fucking christ - if jesus murdered a dude before he was crucified - fuck jesus. 

i feel as the mostly not mentally ill person n ths situation as i look down upon it i see this person running away and realizing how much they took for granted and how poorly they treated me and the love that i actually provided to them. this of course will take weeks, if not months to realize as lonliness sets in and no one is really interested in being friends with someone mentally ill or he encounters similar situations. 

what i feel like right now is that i have a choice. i could gamble upon my gut feeling whch could very well lead to repeating a cycle again; hes “not monogamous”. so even if he were to realize anything at all, it remains tht hes “not monogamous” and i would have to gamble two years worth of hearing that against it suddenly changing (it wont.) 

or i could walk away and commit myself to the knowledge this person is mentally ill, unlikely to get better an caused a large amount of pain in my life so i should not maintain any communication with them because mentally i will always be thinking like.. i dont care. go fuck yourself. and in turn never provide them with anything they are looking for from me. 

because i would also not detriment any future relationships with maintaing contact with him. not because i would be some cheater but because he has proven to make inappropriate and disrespectful comments to other peoples spouses when he has a failed relationship with the person. and i want to respect my future partner enough that they wont have to endure that kind of treatment from someone who thinks they know me on an intimate level. 

i made a comment some weeks ago like i’m not going to walk away, i know you’re ill and unlike other people i’m not going to blame you for it. and he said that that had made him feel good and like he could lessen the anxiety of going away to work on his illness and then tonight he commented that i would probably “fuck off” within a few days of him leaving. 

and then i think about asia o’hara. and how this is my only reference to anyone without parents in any circumstance that is moderately close to my age. and like all these things she does and says - i get it. i know where its coming from. and one of the last few thngs she said on the runway was that she was put on this earth to serve. and you will feel that way when you lose parents or they become ill before they die. you are here to serve an make other peoples lives better. and  feel that. ive felt that. i felt that standing in my fathers living room realizing no one would ever know what this was. if i did not exist my fathers life wouldve been worse. so my existences purpose was to make his better. not to like go out and succeed and be amillionaire and put him in a house. but to serve, to make it my life to make another persons life better and i could expect absolutely nothing at all for it. like my life mightve gotten worse for it. but to this day i am not regretful at all. i couldve went to school and had luxurious jobs and did all the things. i couldve. but instead i stayed home and cared for this stubborn sick man who got up every day for 35 years at 4am to drive a transport truck on winter canadian highways for 14 hours a day. my existence was to see that. i was supposed to see that. i was put on this earth to see my fathers life and to honor that he existed and he worked and he lived and he breathed and people should know this. 

she said, “ive learned that friendships have become extremely important and i treat them like family to me” and thats not wrong. thats another person just like me who is saying because i have no family, the people in my life are going to take a bigger step because i do not have the responsibilites or obligations to distract me from helping the greater good. 

and m so sad. i could scream from teh top of my building how sad i am and cauterwall like a cat in heat. and im hurt. and im so many things.

but this sick man, who is leaving for months, took the time to ave this conversation because i began the threat that what we currently had was going to be over on his return. and we cannot define what this is. but if you believe you will return and i will be adoring and in love and fascinated and interested by all your tales - probably not. and he is saying, “i may never see you again”, “i cant make any commitments to you.” “i cant tell you whats going to happen” and the ease of the relationship has ended, and he is saying “we are broken up, this is not a relationship anymore” but the conversation continues. no.

no.

its not a conversation as i sit silently tears streaming down my face as he rants on and on about things, contradicting himself at every turn. and hes “angry” but hes not angry, and hes upset that he’s worried about me like he’s never been in love before. he’s upset he doesnt want to leave because hes worried about me like hes never been in love before. and it all sounds so .. psychotic. and he hangs up, and i call back and he answers and he doesnt want to do this and he cant do this and hes done everything he possibly can for me. 

i could choose to put myself aside and serve the “greater good” of this person “becoming better”. and by doing this i take full acknowledgement that i could receive absolutely nothing in return. i could be shit on again. i coul watch this person fall in love with someone else (they will) and i have to have the strength to be happy for them because theyve reached “better”. i guess im like.. disappointed in myself that im not better than i thought i was because of my history. like i should be able to accept this opportunity to fulfill my fucking existence but im really ... begrudging my exstence because im still resentful for not getting anthing for my father.

like not like money or anythng but like you get literally nothing. no praise. people literally question whether you should even be applauded for it like it was your job anyways. and thats such a dark side to humanity that you have to remain positive and loyal and “happy” while witnessing all of this and carrying like the burdens this had all created for you. 

and i guess i kind of lost respect but i dont think ram dass would say thats okay because i lost respect for the fact he became worn out by being a caregiver. but only a few people in the world are legitimately care givers. you have to truly have something in your soul in order to endure the care of others. and not everyone has this. this is why we have to like super respect nurses and people like that because they are care givers. we respect mothers because they are primary (usually) care givers. they are always obligated. mom has to be there, period. many women upon giving birth learn the trait of being a care giver. and like many women will live until they give birth being selfish ungiving pieces of shit and then spend the rest of their lives caring for someone else. 

my care giving is an extremely respectable part of my character. if not the most respectable part. but i have lost alot of this trait over the past three years - i never asked my dad for anything in return. like yeah he already ~ gave me things but i never was like hey ill do ths an this for you if you give me 10$. like hes not paying me to do his groceries. hes not paying me to change his bandages. im not asking him to do that either. nor am i trading any service with him - i dont change hs bandage for him to make me lunch. i am just serving him as a care giver and you will not get anything in return and a good and true care giver expects nothing. i am no longer this person. i went kind of backwards  in life and i worry now that maybe ive become sooo jaded that maybe i will never truly be a care giver again.

and of course. of course i dont need to at all give this care to a capable grown ass priviledged man. i absolutely do not. is this even the most deserving person? 

i dont necessarily have to jump to a decision right now because the next three months will dictate it for me but i would love to break the cycle by making a commitment to myself on a decision/action i will take and living with the responsibility of that action because if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice. 

and my gut says no. my depression says yes. my depression is very desperate and i think holds on to things that arent there. my gut says no, dont support ths person. our call ended with, “ill call you in a few days”. to which i feel like - why bother? i cant actually speak about how i feel about anything and ill just have to sit and listen to his stories about whatever the fuck he did. and i dont care. and i cant pretend to care and i cant pretend to be happy for his decision i barely respect. 

i dont wan tto spend my summer looking forward to his calls, you know? i just want to let it go and have my mourning period and move on. 

and maybe its shitty of me but i hope he feels guilty and i hope its hard for him. i do. because thats the result of a decision that cant be respected. and thats how you should feel when you go through with it. because honestly? none of this is real and its a projection of the fear of losing me. if it doesnt matter we wouldnt have had the conversation. 

and yes, the moment he sleeps with someone else this will all be over for me. and thats the result of being involved with someone who is monogamous. thats a choice he made and will probably make and when youre a hundred miles away, i never have to care about you or choose to see you again. like even with my oshawa ex i fet like i hope he feels like shit. not because i want to be with him but beause he deserves to feel that way. it doesnt even benefit me. you just deserve it. 

i do not regret not spending another night with a mentally ill person. i wish i couldve spent the last night with a person i loved but it wasnt able to happen. 

he told me i should “take this as a wake up call” to have “more than him” in my life nd i dont believe at all thats what it is. its a wake up call to learn how to take care of myself - n all ways. like no one else can or will or should fulfill anything in my life, i should fulfill everything that i need. so that i make a choice as to who to be around. i will have to live more frugally and learn how to moderate my pleasures. 

i am disappointed that again i feel like if i do talk to him that i will begin to lie because i want to be left alone. i do not want to be told what to do or that what im doing isnt enough. i jsut want to tell him what he wants to hear. like i want to tell him that ive gotten a job but the job is on a farm. i want to say that like im already doing what he said he wanted to do. and like i want to be fulfilled with myself so that when i lie and say that this farm is owned by some family who treated me kindly and i felt ths and this its just a personification of my self improvement. llike im half way into it anyways - i lie about a therapist to justify things i already fucking know but no one listens to me so i hve to make up ths story to make it sound like it didnt come from me and now its respectable. 

so fine. ill ‘see a therapist’ and ‘go to work’. but again, i’m not really going to talk in detail about these things. and if he asks  i would just tell him that its just something im doing and im not interested in talking about it. that it doesnt define me or anything in my life at all. it gives me an ongoing excuse to turn down phone calls or texts when im not prepared to answer them at that time as well. remaining silent is just not good enough. 

ive been a very honest person in my life and i think its time for me to be selfish in order to et myself to the next step and it sounds really stupid to be dishonest to better myself and attempt to regain my care giving traits nd maybe itll all blow up in my face and ill learn a new lesson but for now this is how im going to sleep. i will tell him its my therapists advice not to talk to him about these things until weve established a mutually respectful way of communicating and if we dont it doesnt matter what i did or did not tell him because it literally doesnt matter. if he is capable of maintaining his own interest in my life then maybe ill open up more - he can either work towards that to be a mature, respectful human begin or disregard it and any sort of relationship between us. of course, the position is just a summer job, giving me an out if ths somehow lasts the summer. 

tomorrow i have to go through excruciating pain - again for my fucking cyst and i have contract testing at some point and i really want to do these things on my own and grab my last weed for like a week and just exist. not for a week. id like to wake up and do shit on friday too. and i know so hard that depression will be the firs tthing i feel when i wake up. and as the days go on its going be even harder and sadder but i just have to figure it out an get myself through it. 

[xottzot]

2017-11(NOV)-29th---Wednesday--Im in a LOT of PAIN--and MAX is VERY GROWLING--and a recap of my hell because of no Fliss.

2017-11(NOV)-29th---Wednesday--Im in a LOT of PAIN--and MAX is VERY GROWLING--and a recap of my hell because of no Fliss.

I'm in a LOT of PAIN. Terrible pain. Fliss has abandoned me to fucking well die of this pain. And the physical pain. And all other pain.

Max has been VERY VERY growling and prone to attack. I've been as gentle and considerate of, (and for him), as I can but it's not me he wants...it's dear Fliss. The SAME Fliss, Felicity Ann Carthew, of Tamworth, New South Wales, Australia, who took off and abandoned us here to die in late 2015....THEN....Fliss said she and myself would and could be togther in Tamworth and live the life we were both always damn well denied to us beforehand in life.....and THEN she just suddenly went utterly quiet and silent and any and all communications from her ceased utterly. No matter what I did or who I tried, NOBODY would NOT do anything to get us back together. - Oh yes, they said so MANY things to me....'you'll be okay, you'll be back together soon'.......EVERYONE said that...doctors, professionals, Fliss's few friends and work people, all the people here in Western Australia said that........But then afterwards THEY could not at all work out why YOU dear Fliss suddenly stopped any and all contact, as if you had joined a mad cult or something andorr had lost your mind and been locked away forever from any contact with your past life....to 'keep you safe'.....

And I was told my somebody else in 2015 via vicious anonymous emails to fuck off from dear Fliss and to kill myself....NOT just once but several times. That was totally unprovoked. - FUCK THE WORLD.......

I don't know who that person was, they REFUSED to identify themselves, but I believe they are online 'friends' of dear Fliss who haven't got a fucking clue whatsoever except the lies they've spun up for themselves.

And poor dear Sam and Max (the big guard dogs of dear Flss and myself), they became extremely distressed, (AND STILL ARE AND WORSE), and their emotions and trust is utterly destroyed because Fliss abandoned us, in 2015 she came back for less than an hour, stole stuff (YES Fliss, you took stuff that I struggled to save up and pay for us BOTH), but you took that away with the aid of those anonymous women you had with you who were ravaging through our cupboards and taking any and everything they could lay their hands on. (I have lost things FOREVER).....

And strangely, they did NOT take the 2014/2015 Xmas presents that you dear Fliss had brought me with love and I dearly appreciated. Those Xmas presents of 2014/2015 are STILL unopened. I cannot bear to open them or to give them away, let alone use them. AND YOU FLISS, said you were coming back here to help us sort through everything of ours to give away to charity, prior to us moving to wherever YOU wanted and we could start a new life TOGETHER. (in Tamworth). - And then....you NEVER DID THAT. YOU NEVER DID THAT! YOU NEVER CAME BACK. YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD. YOU DECIDED THAT EVENT WOULD HAVE ONLY BEEN FOR A FEW DAYS AND THEN WE COULD GO AWAY AND START LIFE ANEW AND HAVE THE HAPPY LIFE WE WERE BOTH ALWAYS DENIED AS A COUPLE.

But SOMEBODY had ordered you to fuck off and leave me totally.....you know....THE VERY THINGS ALL YOUR 'FRIENDS' DID TO YOU AND BACKSTABBED YOU OVER SO MANY YEARS! - And you had a mental breakdown, on top of all your medical and mental ailments going on within you that you kept hidden from EVERYONE, including me.

And you tried to snatch away poor dear Sam & dear Max. You failed that. And then later you 'politely' (as a callous act to others of you being so 'responsible' to others), you handwritten 'asked' me to hand them over to you. (I still have that as proof) - I refused because I knew you were going through a hell of an ordeal with your family, your physical & mental conditions, (which you covered up DELIBERATELY...and still do so), your breakdwn,.....and you went to the east side of Australia....right across the country of Australia from me here...you were GIVEN a flat/house to live in which made you so proud that you were boasting about it to everyone......and you TOTALLY ABANDONED US HERE TO FUCKING WELL BE IN HELL AND DIE AND SUFFER EVERY DAY UNTIL I DIE.

Oh, and you even let slip to be known to others that dogs were NOT ALLOWED where you were living! - So if I HAD HAVE allowed YOU to spirit them away to places unknown, they would have been KILLED BY YOU, PUT DOWN, OR WORSE. They would even quite very likely have been totally removed from you....thus resulting not only poor dear Sam & dear Max LOSING YOU but also losing ME, losing both of us who they have KNOWN AND WHO HAVE KEPT THEM SAFE AND HOMED ALL THEIR LIVES. And them being consigned into a callous unloving HELL they could have had no hope of ever escaping from until they were DEAD. Or SEPERATED from each other, which would have been just as bad.

Poor Sam & Max are suffering incredibly. They are SO VERY UTTERLY TRAUMATISED BECAUSE OF YOU FLISS ABANDONING US. - THAT WAS THE START OF THE UTTER HELLL FOR THEM HERE. THEN IN ADDITION CAME THE RAMPANT UNTOUCHABLE CRIMINALS....WHICH ARE ABOUT TO RISE UP VERY SOON AGAIN......

BOTH DOGS CONSTANTLY HAVE NIGHTMARES. AND BOTH DOGS EVERY SINGLE DAY RACE OUTSIDE AND GO TO THE GATE TO GREET YOU.....BUT YOU ARE NEVER THERE. AND SO THEY'RE FUCKED UP BY YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN EVERYDAY AND ALL DURING EVERY DAY THEY HOPE YOU'LL BE THERE TO GREET THEM.....AND YOU NEVER ARE!

And YOU (and ANYONE reading this) wonders why poor Max has become vicious and is prone to unprovoked and vicous attacks, upon me, upon his brother dog Sam, upon anyone and anything, and THAT is why I can NEVER EVER take them out ANYWHERE EVER AGAIN IN THEIR LIVES. (they used to LOVE going out for walks and adventures with dear Fliss & I and meeting new people and everything. They were utterly gentle and kind and playful and everyone who met them loved them.)

But now.....since you abandoned us.....Sam & Max and I are in HELL existing with all the criminals about this hellhole. But YOU don't care Fliss!?

One of, if not your most dear closest friends Cath A. of Queensland has swallowed all your lies and delusions, and she refuses to talk or contact me. (I've tried several times.) - I dearly have wanted to communicate with her.

NOW......REVERSE everything around,..........how all this be meted out upon YOU Fliss, (a woman),....but do you KNOW WHAT ACTUALLY REALLY HAPPENS?..... suddenly EVERY BLOODY PERSON, ESPECIALLY WOMEN will jump up and down and shout how terrible YOU are being treated! - But nooooooo, because I am 'the gentle innocent man' in our relationship, I'm painted as somebody evil and shitty and to fucking well die as soon as possible. And YOU dear Fliss absolutely KNOWS that's NOT the truth AT ALL and has never been so! - But you allow it and say nothing in public to counter anything with anyone. You Fliss want your lies and delusions to be the only 'facts'.

You've got EVERYTHING YOU WANT....you have been ACCEPTED BACK INTO YOUR FAMILY & all your relations whereas before you were OSTRACISED BY THEM. And you have a ficticious story to lie to them with and to engender pity and sympathy and to forever get them to like you. - And yet....you're ALWAYS LYING....you KNOW you are.

No wonder your fathers mother (your much-loved grandmother) was so terribly shocked when I in-person quietly told her the truth about you and just SOME of all your troubles when you Fliss and I were a couple and had visited her many years ago together in Tamworth, New South Wales for a small social event. - But your grandmother VERY GREATLY MUCH APPRECIATED me telling her the truth. NOBODY else would and they never did. -- And now I have been destroyed for telling the truth !?!? --- I don't know if she's even still alive. - You Fliss, told me that your mother HATED her.

I have NO FAMILY and NOBODY. - But it seems you don't give a shit about me. You don't give a shit about anyone, not really, though you fake that you do. You've lied and cheated and lied so much that your addled, deranged, medically damaged brain & body is actively viciously telling itself that all the lies you've created just MUST be true.....and so you have consigned me to HELL whilst you live the life of a closeted, indulged, spoilt princess. (anything else of, I have no idea of because YOU NEVER TALK TO ME despite you PROMISING ME that if ever we were ever apart for any reason you would ALWAYS STAY IN CONTACT!)

BUT YOU'VE LIED ABOUT THAT FLISS.

And YOU Fliss has consigned poor dear Sam and dear Max to HELL....and ME.

And you wonder why I was so VERY reluctant and fearful of ever happening to ever bringing a child with you into this world, knowing that perhaps the very terror of YOU doing exactly what you have done would eventuate!?

And you cosseted OTHER peoples children....Caths's children, your families children, your relations children........

I love you dear Fliss and so want to be with YOU. - I am in HELL. - I hope you are happy. - When I am dead, you will legally inherit the things we used together, YOUR things, and the things we purchased together for us both, and the things that were my very own.....the scant few things I had because I have so VERY VERY LITTLE, and so very very little money or capital.

And you will inherit the love I still have for you dear Fliss, and you will live out your life and go to your grave knowing at every moment, especially since 2015, how badly you treated me....so utterly, and terribly bad by deserting me just after you PROMISED we would be together and have a new life together AWAY FROM THIS HELLHOLE.

And you wonder why I have DAMNED NIGHTMARES EVERY NIGHT and have done so since late 2015 when you abandoned us!?

You VERY much have the horrendous capacity to abandon your own children Fliss. Your own mother told you that. And you told me she said that. And you hated her for saying that. What else you kept secret.

I love you dear Fliss and so want to be with YOU.

P.S. Dear Cath......count your blessings that this never happens to you. No matter how kind and gentle you are, all that counts for NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING when you get treated like me and Fliss. - I DON'T DESERVE THIS! - FLISS DOESN'T DESERVE THIS! - YOU CATH DON'T DESERVE THIS! - Tell her from me how much I love dear Fliss and want to be with her as a couple and that I never ever stopped loving Fliss when Fliss & I were together when everyone told me to just give up on her, abandon her, the same shit that probably has been told about YOU Cath at some point too though I dearly hope not. You Cath don't deserve that hell. I don't deserve that hell. Fliss doesn't deserve that hell.

I love you dear Fliss and so want to be with YOU just as you promised us both.

No wonder suicide rates go up more around Xmas time with the absolute shit we have had destroying our lives and keeps destroying me each and every day and night awake or asleep. - I truly envy the dead. I look forward to being dead. I wish I was never born. - Fuck being alive and sufering and being forever falsley blamed and having all promises made to me always forever broken. - I fucking well trust absolutely NOBODY. NOBODY AT ALL. - I was NEVER like that until Fliss went crazy in late 2015. -- I love you dear Fliss and so want to be with YOU.

In case of an emergency physically preventing me, let me say this now then......MERRY XMAS......it will be the the 3rd bloody one without being with my dearest Fliss. <:-(

And to everyone else.....you will NEVER get to read the scifi fiction, the fantasy fiction, or the DS9 fan fiction I wrote, and all of which I spent so much enjoyable time on on over MANY years and which Fliss read (some) and enjoyed. - But not YOU Cath, not ANYONE will ever read them. YOU NEVER ASKED. AND YOU NEVER CARED. I hope to destroy them all because nobody gives a shit about me or anything, least of all what I write or ever wrote for enjoyment. - Your losses. Just add them to the rest of your losses. - FUCK THE WORLD. - HURRY UP AND START A WORLD WAR 3 AND KILL US ALL WITH NUKES. JUST DO IT, DO IT, DO IT! AND STOP FUCKING AROUND PRETENDING. - MAKE SURE YOU DETONATE A NUKE WHERE I AM AND KILL ME WITH IT!