#im actually obesessed with these shots

[candescentkpop]

The thunder strikes the world

Dreamcatcher: Vision

Dreamcatcher Part 38 / ∞

[boyitspasturbedtime]

i’m procrastinating

i am avoid work right now, yes. kudo the kid dropped a song. i’ve been listening on repeat. i am. i am. people ask me how i am. i say “i am” they look at me. they are expecting me to go on. i don’t go on. i hold the suspension. i am... they look, and they laugh. “i am?” chuckle chuckle. “yup” i make eye contact so they know i’m being serious. fuck group thinking. have your own opinions. have reasons for your opinions. i don’t care about how other people view me. but i like being nice. i like saying hi. i like trying to talk to someoneone and see things from their perspective. it’s completely knew. every view they have was reach a different way. they are so special and i want to know why they are special. i want to write about them. what is reputation? i don’t think people can think the same way. i don’t think anyone can have the same exact thought. there are different reasons. “are you a gryffindor?” “yeah, how could you tell?” “your shirt” ... i was wearing my red shirt. it has two yellow stripes. i don’t know how i got it. it just appeared in my closet one day. as with all of my clothes. i let them do their thang. i let people give me gifts. none of my clothing is actually my clothing. i don’t go and buy my own clothes. everyone else is so eager to do it for me. i might as well let them. you don’t get to choose what experiences you have, but you get to choose what you take away from them. i didn’t choose the clothes i have, but i choose which clothes to wear. yay that totally connects. im tired. i want to sleep. im stressed. i want to relieve that stress. im insecure about people reading what i write. that’s not true. i love when people read what i write. i love it sooo much. i love writing. i love making an impression. sometimes i think about my funeral. i think about how many people will attend. sometimes i think about dying. but what stops me is that i can’t die yet. i have to get more people at my funeral. i used to get stressed during track season. i would think about getting in a car crash so i didnt have to run. so i didn’t have to create. but i can’t do that to myself. i can’t limit myself from achieveing greatness. i can’t stop myself from winning. i am obesessed with winning. i want to win at everything. i want to succeed. i can’t stop winning. i can’t stop being me. that scares me. i am trapped in my mind. there is no way out. i can’t stop being me. i have to be me all day. every day. i have to do things i do. i can’t be anyone else. im not allowed to switch. it’s hard. i want a break. i want to be someone else for a while. i want to do what i want. fuck. im being me again. im writing. thats what i would do. what is something i wouldnt do. i need to do that. im not too big on one night stands. i need to do that now, just to do it. just to not be me. i need to experience it. like anal sex. try it and realize that you didn’t do the preparation. you are way to big for that hole. you don’t like the smell. hey, you did it. now you know that your penis hurts if you try that. and it smells like shit. zamn. sex. i havent done that thing. i have this thought that one day, im just going to have it nonstop. like, i don’t see it in my near future, but hey, i see it. “you look like a guy who would have a zippo lighter” “yeah, actually, i do” he was right. he made an assumption and it was correct. it didn’t hurt me. it didn’t compliment or insult me. it just was correct. is that bad? are all assumptions bad? is judging bad? i am constantly moving through life. i can’t stop the judgement that follows me. i have a cloud over my head of what people want me to be. i hav their biases. i have their facts. i have their opinions. i am stress. i guess so. i have power and i know it. i have looks. i know i look ways. i know people care about me. one of my professors emailed me to check up on me. it touched my heart. she cared about me. she wanted me to succeed. she helped me. all you have to do is ask. honest is the best policy. tell the truth. hatred is a misunderstanding. anger is when you can’t explain something. violence happens because it makes you feel good. it is an answer. it is a reaction. stop reacting and respond. use your brain. open yourself. write a fucking book. choose something. IT”S GUNNA SUCK. it will be so bad. it will be shit on a page. do it. poop it. let it happen. then ask for help, and you’ll get it. people want to help you. goddammit. can’t you see that by now? haven’t you been through enough? GOD DaMmiT. the best way to get a hug is to ask for a hug. im asking. will you give me a hug? please. im so lost. im scared. im confused. please hug me. tell me things are going to be better. hold me. take away my cold. make me warm. please. im surronded by the hate. im surrounded by torment. help me. let me help you. let me show you how great i am. who said that? mohammad ali. idk spelling. no one is going to read this, so it doesn’t matter anyway. im allowed to make as many mistakes as i want. there is no reprocussion. yay. i have opinions. i have strong opinions. i can’t see myself not taking a stance. i have to stand up for what i believe in. i have to try. i onlyhave one shot. i have to live with myself at the end of the day. i have to look in the mirror. i brush my teeth and i look into my eyes. these are the only eyes i was given. they are very unclear. blurry. i have terrible vision. go away. i can’t see me. you can’t see me. i have to see me. i can feel me. i need to dance. i need to wowk. ive been working all day, but i still need to work.i don’t have time. but i have to make time. i have to let myself write. i look forward to having free time. maybe i will write my book then. maybe ill get a draft. it doesn’t have to be long. i think i know what i want it to be about. i have to be a girl though. i have to pretend to be a girl. i have to say she when i would normally say he. i have to change who i am. ihave to grow into someone new. seana is going to be here this weekend. mike is happy. shit she’s coming TODAY. Mike has gotta be losing it right now. he is away from her all the time. how long until i actually do my work? how long until i can make an impact? i made david smile today. is that my purpose? if i can make one person smile, then i think im doing pretty well. if i can make onegood thing happen a day, then maybe i’ll offset all the turmoil ive caused. not everyone understands. not everyone overstands. fukc fuck. i like working with people. i like people. i need to find more people. i wanto to talk to people. hopefully, people want to talk to me. i am more the approacher. people don’t come to talk to me, so i go talk to people. i make the plans. i schedule because people wouldnt do it without me. just certain instances. i am the planner in most of my friend groups. most of my friends suck at planning, so i take over. one time i had a friend of mine plan something because he wanted to do something and i was indifferent. he asked me to plan. i said no. he failed miserably at doing the thing. he pleadedfor me to plan it for him. i planned it. it all worked out. you just gotta give people incentive. i guess im good at that. im good at getting a group of people into a room. im good at talking. im good at communicating. im good at procrastinating my homework by writing. i officicalljkanfjdnaly made a full cycle, so this thought must be complete. going to do homework now.