#im actually going insane I am obsessed with these mentally ill children

[novodontia]

they're all a little silly :3

Im running out of ideas help-

[lastoutpost]

sam stan ask game!!!! @stanfordsams​​ thanks for tagging me!

Sibling status (younger, middle, older, only child…) -   Only child!

How long have you been stanning for -  I started watching in 2012 and stopped watching after I finally watched s8 on boxset, around 2013/2014 sometime? (I *begged* my dad to take me to Walmart so I could buy it the day it was released) and after binging the whole thing I just... thought it sucked really bad....and started to fall out of the fandom. 2020 slingshotted me back into old obsessions though. I can have a little sam winchester to cope

Favorite Sam era -  sam is my baby in every single season BUT hence the URL, i love bitchy sanctimonious grieving psychic awakening sam from s1 SO much. baby faced coconut head bangs king <3

Favorite spn season, but if the only criteria was Sam’s hair - season 2 or 3 definitely. he has a rough patch while it’s growing out for a couple seasons and it finally looks good again in like, season 11, but peak sam is short haired sam. he looks like a lesbian and i love it for him <3

Favorite Sam-centric episode - does croatoan count??? that’s an absolute banger of an episode from start to finish....the codependency....the crying....i love everything about it. if that doesn’t count tho then born under a bad sign, jared is SO good at acting unhinged. honorable mention to playthings, the greatest episode of all time (jirt)

Any ships you may like to mention -   samruby. why? genevieve padalecki sexiest woman alive and sam drinking demon blood was his RIGHT he DESERVED a hot girl summer. one of the fundamental reasons i get obsessed with this show is the extremely fucked up character dynamics and samruby really fits the bill

Favorite song you would/have put in a Sam playlist -  numb by linkin park............this is so chaotically embarassing of me and i don’t even listen to linkin park anymore but that song is such a sam song, esp around s4/s5, that i have to believe it was written about him only

If you could steal one thing from Sam’s wardrobe, it would be - purple dog shirt!!!! i actually used to own one and outgrew it and when i finally get another stable job i am going to order another one <3 it’s my right as a lesbian and as a s1 sam stan

Complete the sentence: If Sam cishet, why... -  if sam cishet, then why unclean in the biblical sense?

Favorite unhinged Sam moment -  full on ugly crying-sobbing about having to kill werewolf gf in heart and refusing to let dean do it because she asked *him* to, and how this parallels the season arc of sam begging dean to kill him if he has to

You must have some intense headcanons you need to talk about, tell me one Sam hc that drives you insane - in the spn that lives in my head, sam is a lesbian so....that is my favorite headcanon i love to imagine lesbian sam struggling to put up with misogynistic dean and his femaleness/homosexuality heavily contributing to her feeling of being unclean and fundamentally wrong/sinful. in terms of headcanons that fit the actual show i love how multifaceted we know sam to be, even though we see so little of it on screen -- he’s smart and nerdy but into health and fitness and is kind and compassionate, likes children and animals, etc. when dean dies and sam settles down with his family, he gets & trains a therapy dog (that looks a lot like riot who he had to leave behind with amelia) and takes it to help sick kids in the hospital <3 ALSO after leaving the hunting life he becomes a nurse since he’s basically been a field medic since birth. oh and ALSO he loves to cross-stitch even though his ginormous hands make it hard <3 OK I AM DONE but i could definitely keep going. oh and btw he’s gay and his blurry wife was actually a man. dean jr is the biological son of a hunter that gets killed on a hunt. OK IM DONE FOR REAL

Tell me something about the hbo Sam that lives in your brain -  i’m gonna be honest i’ve never seen hbo in my life so i don’t really want to say anything inaccurate but i wish in a more gritty or grimdark version of spn sam’s mental illnesses and his suicidality, disordered eating, etc would have more screentime.

Oh no, the writers forgot to give Jess a personality! Now it’s up to you. Tell me, what was Jess like - I feel like jess was the epitome of an all-american girl. I bet she was raised solidly upper-middle-class with two parents who loved her and had respectable jobs. she has a sister who lives in a different state who she is close with but in a normal way. and part of what sam adores about her is she’s just so...Normal...she’s like his embodiment of his ultimate fantasy and desire to live the American dream. i feel like that’s exactly why demon brady introduces her to sam, because he knows she is sam’s perfect fantasy of an apple pie life. And despite being so Normal she’s supportive, kind, insanely witty, and sees through sam’s defenses and deflections instantly. she knows there is something Wrong About His Life and doesn’t care. even if he can’t tell her the truth about his childhood he knows she would believe and love him if he could tell her, and he loves that about her. she pushes him outside his comfort zone a little bit to make him enjoy college a little bit more and always beats him at any game they try and play. i miss jess and i hope she and sam get to reunite in heaven!!!!

)Biggest injustice Supernatural committed against Sam (be as brief or as ranty as you desire) - i’ve only watched up through the first part of s11 so i don’t know what else bullshit will happen in the course of the show, but as of right now I would say gadreel possession. sam was ready to give up his life to shut the gates of hell and dean stopped him, had gadreel take his form to trick sam into agreeing to be possessed, and then lied/gaslit/emotionally abused sam about it for weeks (months?) and gets extremely upset when sam has the gall to be mad about it. after how much he has suffered being a vessel for lucifer, for having no autonomy over his life at all, this was just so cruel of dean and i’m so mad that the show never lets him get really fucking mad about it!

And finally, just say something about him that makes you smile ♥ - he has so much faith in everything and everyone despite how hard his life has been and how much he has been punished for his faith repeatedly throughout his life. he is a good man who will give himself up for others or the greater good in an instant. and he looks like a very huggable puppy despite being extremely muscular <3 sam is my ultimate comfort character.

i tag, anyone who follows me and wants to do this but hasn’t yet! tag me in your responses so I can read them if you do it <3

[420710ge-blog]

my first entry

all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness

Im watching queer eye. SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)

I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old

and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.

what i do know is I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.

I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)

i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.

My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.

i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.

i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.

I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with. I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.

i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.

but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life

I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.

I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition  or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender. 

I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.

i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.

I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.

I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.” 

I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.

I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.

I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.

I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me

I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.

I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.

i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.

i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.

i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.

if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds

i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.

i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.

if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.

I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself. 

idk what this was but its on the internet

-GE